murder2

F * R * I * E * N * D * S
TOW the Murder Mystery Weekend Part 2
By Steph

Ross and Rachel were given "Suspicious Males". All of the actors and
guests were wearing name tags, so Monica had written their names down.
Rachel read the first name.

Rachel: We have to find Troy.

Ross: Oh, I remember that guy, he did look suspicious. He had shifty eyes.

Rachel quickly spotted him and they walked over to him. He was a strange,
little man. He was balding and did seem to have shifty eyes shining from
behind his glasses. Rachel held the card up in front of her and read from it
verbatim.

Rachel: Extend your hand and introduce yourself.

Ross: No, Rach, that-

Rachel: Oh!

Rachel laughed, realizing that she'd read Monica's instructions on how to
approach them. She realized then just how weird Monica could be. Rachel
then extended her hand and introduced herself. Ross did the same. Rachel
read the first question to the man.

Rachel: Did you know the victim?

Troy: Yes, we were having an affair.

Rachel and Ross' eyes widened in surprise.

Ross: You and her? No offense, buddy, but you don't really go together.

Troy rolled his eyes and leaned forward to whisper.

Troy: Look, man, I just play the character, I didn't create him.

Ross chuckled, realizing he'd blurred the lines of reality and fiction.
Rachel asked the next question.

Rachel: Do you know her husband?

Troy: Until that strange man announced that he had killed her, I didn't even
know she had one.

Rachel snickered, mumbling beneath her breath.

Rachel: Well, at least she didn't marry you, tell you that you were divorced
and then tell you that he lied about it!

Ross rolled his eyes.

Ross: That and the "we were on a break" thing, I'll never live down!

Rachel nodded, folding her arms across her chest. Suddenly, Ross' eyes
brightened. He'd been thinking about what Troy had just said.

Ross: Hmmm...Then maybe the husband didn't kill her...Maybe you found out she
was married before and, in a jealous rage, killed her!

Rachel smiled, as she excitedly jumped up and down.

Rachel: Ohhhhh, that's gooood!

Troy: Nice theory, but no. When the murder occurred, I was in the bathroom.
The attendant can vouch for me.

Ross' and Rachel's faces fell.

Ross: Damn it! I thought that was so good!

* * * * *

Monica and Phoebe received "Suspicious Females". The first on the list
was Esther, an elderly woman with light blue hair and a cane. Phoebe spotted
her from afar.

Phoebe: Her? You think she looks suspicious?

Monica glared at her.

Monica: Oh, yeah. I saw her double dip over at the vegetable platter.

Phoebe rolled her eyes.

Phoebe: Oh, so we have a hardened criminal on her hands, I see.

They both walked over to the woman, who smiled sincerely at them.

Ester: Oh, hello dears. It is so nice to-

Phoebe interrupted her.

Phoebe: Okay, listen up Grandma, we've got-

Monica interrupted Phoebe with a tap on the shoulder. She spoke softly.

Monica: Um, Phoebs, that was not on the card. You...you didn't even extend
your hand and introduce yourself.

Phoebe turned to Monica agitatedly.

Phoebe: Mon, do you want to solve this murder or do you want to play by your
stupid rules?!

Monica: But-

Phoebe: No, no buts. What's it going to be?

Monica looked down and spoke quietly.

Monica: I want to solve the murder.

Phoebe smiled.

Phoebe: Good, that's the spirit. Now, I know how to talk to suspicious
people because I used to be one. Just watch.

The little old lady smiled at Phoebe.

Phoebe: Don't give me that innocent smile, Granny. I can tell you've got a
closet full of skeletons.

Ester: I beg your pardon!

Phoebe: So did you do it? Did you off the gal?

Ester: I most certainly did not!

Phoebe: Did you know her?

Ester nodded hesitantly.

Ester: Yes.

Phoebe: How?

Ester: She was my daughter-in-law.

Phoebe: So her husband is your son then?

Ester: Yes.

Phoebe: And did you have any reason to dislike her?

Ester nodded.

Ester: Yes, she cheated on my son!

Phoebe and Monica both gasped in surprise.

Phoebe: Ohhhh, juicy! So, you killed her to avenge her betrayal of your son!

Ester: No!

Phoebe: Oh yeah, why not?

Ester: Because my hands are so arthritic that I could never have pulled the
trigger.

Phoebe eyed her and nodded.

Phoebe: You better be telling the truth, Grandma. You don't want to find out
what I do to liars.

With that, Phoebe and Monica left the old woman. Monica shook her head in
amazement.

Monica: Wow, you really are a bad ass sometimes, Phoebe.

Phoebe smiled and nodded.

Phoebe: I know, it's an immense gift.

* * * * * *

Joey and Chandler had the last group of suspects: "Males and Females Who
Gave Me an Uneasy Feeling, yet Could Not be Categorized as Suspicious."
Joey sighed.

Joey: I just can't believe Lorena is dead. We had some great times together.

Chandler: Joey, you talked to her for two minutes at the buffet.

Joey nodded and responded wistfully.

Joey: I know, we'll always have the buffet.

Chandler rolled his eyes and then looked down at the card. The first one
they had to talk to was Tito, a middle-aged Spanish man, with a great
physique. They spotted him across the room and approached him. Joey eyed him
suspiciously.

Joey: You Tito?

Tito nodded, pointing to his nametag. Joey grumbled at him.

Joey: Well, Tito, did you murder the luminous Lorena?!

Joey glared at Tito, while Chandler nervously whispered to him.

Chandler: Easy, Joe. His arms are bigger than your thighs.

Joey nodded, while his face struggled to hide his fear.

Joey: Did you know the victim?

Tito nodded, speaking in a strong, yet poor Spanish accent.

Tito: Yes, I did. We were lovers twenty years ago and just recently
reunited.

Joey's face softened.

Joey: Oh, that's nice.

Chandler elbowed him and Joey's face once again hardened.

Joey: Did you and Lorena have any problems?

The man's eyes darted down and he spoke quietly.

Tito: Yes, she hid that fact that she bore me a son almost twenty years ago.
I just found out that I have a son.

Chandler and Joey's eyes widened. Chandler spoke.

Chandler: Did that make you angry?

Tito's eyes flared, his voice rising.

Tito: Of course, it made me angry!

Chandler and Joey were startled and both jumped back a bit. Joey finally
spoke around a lump in his throat..

Joey: Did it also make you angry to find out she had husband?

Tito shook his head.

Tito: No, her husband died a few months ago, before we reunited.

Joey and Chandler looked at him in confusion.

Joey: But...But she told me her husband wanted her dead.

Tito shook his head.

Tito: Lorena was clinically paranoid...She always thought someone was out to
kill her.

Chandler and Joey looked surprised by the man's revelation. Chandler
smirked and then spoke nonchalantly.

Chandler: Yeah, but she's dead now, so I'm thinking the lady might've had a
point.

Tito glared at Chandler, and Joey just shook his head at him. Joey
swallowed hard, preparing to speak.

Joey: Were you...uh...angry enough to...uh...kill her?

Tito's eyes pierced Joey's, causing his face to twist with fear. Then
Tito silently raised his right arm up.

Tito: They determined that the shooter was right-handed. I have a hook for a
right- hand, as you can see, so I could not have committed the murder.

He raised his hook up and placed it right in front of Joey and Chandler's
faces. Their eyes widened, as the metal of the hook sparkled from the light
of the chandelier above them. Joey and Chandler hesitantly stepped back a
few steps, clinging to each other's arms. They both stumbled over their
words.

Joey: So..uh...you couldn't have done it then.

Chandler: Nope...not you...not you with your big, shiny, sharp
hook...Co..couldn't have hurt a fly.

Chandler and Joey abruptly turned around and began to walk away.
Chandler whispered to Joey.

Chandler: Did you see how sharp that thing was?! I think it could have
gutted a fish!

Joey nodded, wiping at the sweat on his brow.

Joey: A fish, a Joey, either way I wasn't about to stick around and find out!

* * * * * *

All six friends gathered in the corner of the room to compare their notes
so far. Monica spoke first.

Monica: Okay, Ross, Rachel tell us what you found out.

Ross: Well, our guy, Troy, was having an affair with Lorena. He just found
out she was married. But his alibi checks out.

Monica nodded.

Monica: Okay, Phoebe, tell them what we found out.

Phoebe: Well, we had a slippery little bitch, but we made her squirm until
she gave us the truth. She was Lorena's husband's mother. She hated her,
but she couldn't have killed her. She's got arthritic fingers, couldn't have
pulled the trigger. The old bat was barely holding onto her cane.

Monica turned to Joey and Chandler.

Monica: Your turn.

Joey: Well, our guy, Tito, was her lover and they just reunited after twenty
years. But he found out she had his son and never told him.

The group said a collective "ohhhhh".

Joey: And Lorena's husband couldn't have killed her because he's dead. Turns
out she was just paranoid.

Ross snickered.

Ross: Apparently not paranoid enough.

Joey and Chandler nodded. Chandler continued, his voice still shaky from
the recent incident.

Chandler: And he couldn't have shot her, because...because he had a...a very,
very sharp hook instead of a hand.

While speaking, Chandler raised his hand up and crooked his forefinger.
Everyone's eyes widened at his statement and they nodded at him.

Monica: Okay, everyone time to proceed to the next-

Monica's sentence was interrupted by the scream of a male voice. The
voice was coming from where Lorena's body lay. The group hurried over to the
scene and looked at a young man, who was bending over her body and wailing
dramatically.

Man: Not my mother!...Not my beautiful mother!...Oh, Mama!

Joey elbowed Chandler.

Joey: I think that's her son.

Chandler smirked at him and nodded.

Chandler: Wow, you really are good at this mystery solving stuff.

Joey smiled and nodded proudly. The young man stood up and faced the
crowd.

Man: Who did this?! Who killed my Mama?! I am Juan, her son, and I demand
to know the truth!

Joey authoritatively walked forward and then around Juan. His eyes
perused him, sizing him up. Suddenly, Phoebe yell out and came towards the
body.

Phoebe: Look, she's holding something in her hand!

Ross came forward and knelt down near the body.

Monica: Ross, hon, watch out for the "blood", that stuff's hard to get out of
clothes.

Everyone turned around and rewarded Monica with looks of absurdity. She
then averted her eyes downward. Ross pried open her hand and pulled a small
picture out of them. It was a picture of Lorena and a small boy.

Juan: That picture was taken when I was five years old. Give it to me,
please. I'd like to have it to remember my mother by.

Monica and Rachel gathered around Ross, studying the picture. Monica
wrinkled her nose in disgust.

Monica: Eww, there's blood all of over the picture. I think somebody could
have benefited from my laminator.

Rachel's eyes narrowed as she looked at the picture and then at the hand
that had been clutching.

Rachel: But there's no blood on the hand she was holding it in.

Joey and Phoebe now joined them and were studying the picture and the
body. Joey's eyes widened as he looked at her right hand.

Joey: Look, her forefinger has blood on it...But only on the fingertip.

The group was pondering this when Phoebe suddenly spoke up.

Phoebe: I got it! Ross, turn the picture over. I think she wrote something on
the back.

Ross turned the picture over and, sure enough, she had scrawled a few
words on it with her own blood right before she had died. He read them aloud.

Ross: Juan did it.

The group, as well as the other guests, gasped at the revelation and
turned to face Juan. Joey glared at him.

Joey: You are NOT a good son!

Juan snickered evilly.

Juan: She was not a good mother! She cheated on her husband, the only father
I have ever known. And kept me away from my real father. She deserved to die!

Joey looked at him angrily.

Joey: Look, man, I knew your mother. We had some good times. She was a nice
lady, she didn't deserve to die.

Juan shook his head, angrily studying the six friends.

Juan: Yes, she did. And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for
you pesky kids!

Chandler smiled and whispered to Monica.

Chandler: Okay, when did this turn into, like, every Scooby Doo episode?
Next thing you know, he'll be pulling off a mask and revealing he's really
Ester, the little old lady.

Monica smiled and stifled her laughter. Just then, Jim came up behind
Juan.

Jim: Juan Vazquez, you are under arrest for the murder of your mother, Lorena
Vazquez. You have the right to remain silent...blah, blah, yada, yada.

Phoebe snickered.

Phoebe: And he calls himself a real detective.

Rachel shook her head at Phoebe and then rubbed at her temples. Joey
came up to Juan and got into his face.

Joey: You should be ashamed of yourself. You killed the woman who gave you
life. You're going to rot in jail. And, you know what, they don't have
pizza, sandwiches or cable there, either. So, you'll suffer and-

Ross came up behind Joey and interrupted.

Ross: Actually, Joe, most jails do have that stuff.

Joey's face fell.

Joey: Then why couldn't we have gone there instead of here!...They don't have
unscrambled porn do they?

Ross shook his head.

Ross: If they do, I don't think it'd be the kind you like and I'm pretty sure
it'd be a live version.

Joey scrunched his face disgust.

Joey: Ugh...This is good then...Take him away, Jimbo!

Jim led Juan away and the group of guests erupted into applause. Joey
smiled proudly, thinking that they were applauding for him. He bowed.

Joey: Thank you, thank you. It was really nothing. I've seen the movie
Clue, like, sixteen times. And, I don't want to brag, but I'm an actor and I
played a detective once.

The guests looked at him strangely, while they continued to applaud. The
rest of the six gathered around Ross and Joey, and Monica screamed in
delight.

Monica: Yes! We won! And it's still only Friday night! We solved it before
the weekend practically started!

Suddenly, a man walked forward, parting the crowd, and stopping at the
friends. He looked disdainfully at them.

Man: Yes, you did. You've ruined the weekend and the show for all of the
other guests.

Joey looked at him in confusion.

Joey: Show?

Just then, the apparently "dead" Lorena stood up, brushing the fake blood
off of her as best she could. She looked at the man, who was the manager of
the show.

Lorena: I'm still gonna get paid for the weekend, right, Lenny?

Joey turned around and was startled to see her alive. Phoebe was
noticeabley startled, too.

Joey: Oh my God! But you were..I thought you were...Weren't you dead?

The actress shook her head at him, her voice emerging in its New York
accent.

Lorena: I'm an actress, hon. This was all just a big show, it was fake.

Joey's eyes widened in shock.

Joey: What?...But?

He turned to Chandler.

Joey: But you said...

Chandler shrugged.

Chandler: Well, you'd think you being an actor and all you'd be able to tell
the difference.

Joey: Dude, you let me think Ross could be a killer.

Chandler: Hey, you drew that conclusion all by yourself.

Ross shook his head, rubbing at his sore neck. He looked at Joey.

Ross: I can't believe you could think I might be a killer, man.

Joey shrugged.

Joey: I'm sorry, man. I just got confused. I mean, your like that Bundy
guy. And I remembered how you got after Emily and stuff, like with that
sandwich.

Ross pointed a finger at Joey.

Ross: Hey, that wasn't just ANY sandwich. It had a moist maker in it.

Joey: Yeah, but you still went a little wacko. Anyway, I'm really sorry,
Ross.

Ross nodded, accepting his apology. Joey looked at Chandler.

Joey: So, there really was no murder.

Chandler nodded with a grin.

Chandler: By George, I think he's finally cracked the case!

Everyone laughed, while Phoebe shook her head.

Phoebe: There could still be a real murder. We've got the rest of the
weekend.

The manager, Lenny, shook his head.

Lenny: Sorry, folks, but since you solved it so quickly and ruined the
weekend for the rest of us, we've decided to end your stay right now.

The group sighed at him and Monica spoke up.

Monica: Fine, but we still won. You can't take that away from us! No one
can!

Rachel whispered to Monica.

Rachel: Let it go, Mon.

With that, the group headed to their rooms to pack.

* * * * * *

A half an hour later, they were in the car and on their way back home.
Rachel sighed in exaggeration.

Rachel: Well, this "weekend" sucked. I didn't meet any cute guys and the
ones that I did meet were fake.

Phoebe: Well, what about me? There goes my dream of being a ghost.

Monica smiled, patting Phoebe's hand.

Monica: Oh, honey, don't worry. It'll happen someday.

Phoebe smiled at Monica.

Phoebe: Aw, that's so sweet.

Ross also sighed.

Ross: I still can't believe you thought I was going to kill her. I was only
showing her my KaraTE.

Joey smiled.

Joey: Well, at least I saved her until you bored her to tears.

Chandler laughed and looked over at Ross.

Chandler: Just get over it, man.

Ross shook his head, looking at Chandler and then Joey.

Ross: That's easy for you to say. I think I have whiplash...Plus,
well,...uh..when you first got me into that choke-hold, I thought it was
because you were jealous. I thought you wanted her and were afraid I was
stealing her away from you, Joe.

Joey and Chandler both laughed hysterically. Joey smiled at Ross.

Joey: Dude, it was a fake murder, not a fake universe.

Chandler laughed and put his hand out for Joey to slap. Ross' face fell
and he scooted away from Joey.

* * * * * *

The next day, Phoebe, Ross, Monica, Rachel and Chandler entered Monica
and Rachel's apartment. In the middle of the kitchen floor, lay Joey. He
was sprawled on the floor, unmoving. Ketchup was smeared across his chest
and some was on the floor. The friends held their laughter in and began to
move around the apartment as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Joey opened
one eye and saw that Chandler and Ross were watching TV on the couch.
Monica, Rachel and Phoebe were busily preparing dinner, while carefully
sidestepping Joey's figure. Joey closed his eyes and moaned dramatically.

Joey: Ohhhhh...Help me...Help me, please.

In unison, everyone turned around and looked at Joey. They smiled and
said...

Joey: Oh, hi, Joe. How you doin'?.

An aggravated Joey stood up, brushing at his shirt.

Joey: Come on, guys. I looked so dead. That was some of my best acting.

Chandler smiled.

Chandler: I was certainly moved.

Everyone laughed and nodded. Monica handed Joey a mop and pointed at her
messy floor.

Monica: Okay, how about you try and act like a janitor and clean my floor!
That was driving me CRAZY!

Joey lowered his head dejectedly and began to mop, while the smiling
friends watched him.

****************************************THE
END**********************************************
Steph (ILUVNYYANK@aol.com)