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AUTHOR'S NOTE*** This is my first attempt at a "Friends" fanfic.  I've
written a whole bunch of "General Hospital" ones, but never "Friends".  I
absolutely love the show, so I figured I'd give it a try.  This is just a one
part episode fanfic. Well, I hope
you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought by emailing me at
ILUVNYYANK@aol.com.  Thanks!  ~Steph

BACKGROUND***Monica and Chandler are not together and never have been. (I
love them together, I just didn't want them together for this fic.)  Ross and
Rachel, however, did get married while drunk in Vegas, she did think they
were divorced and she did find out that he lied to her.  She's bitter at him
for that.
 

F * R * I * E * N * D * S

TOW the Murder Mystery Weekend Part 1
 

    Ross rushed into Monica and Rachel's apartment, a grin occupying his
face. He whipped six tickets out of his pocket and held them up to all five
of them.

Ross: Guess what I got us?

    Chandler and Joey's faces lit up.

Joey: Please tell me those are tickets to tomorrow's Knicks/Heat playoff
game!

    Ross shook his head.

Ross: Nope, better than that.

    Joey looked confusedly at Chandler and spoke in a distressed tone.

Joey: What could be better than Knicks' playoff tickets?!

    Chandler shrugged and then looked worriedly at Ross.

Chandler: They wouldn't be tickets to a museum exhibit, would they?

    Ross shook his head, his tone emerging disappointed.

Ross: No, I wish.

    Rachel rolled her eyes and spoke sarcastically.

Rachel: Oh, darn!  My hopes are dashed!

    Ross gave Rachel a little snarl, while she glared at him.  Monica finally
spoke up.

Monica: Okay, Ross, just tell us.  What are they for?

    Ross' smile returned.

Ross: What would all of you say to spending a weekend filled with mystery and
intrigue?

    Chandler grinned.

Chandler:  Ah, but how could it possibly top the mystery and intrigue that
this conversation has already brought us?

    An irritated Ross held his hands up in defeat.

Ross: No, you know what, just forget it.  I thought this would be something
cool for all of us to do, but you guys seem to only be interested in mocking
me.  So just forget it.

    Rachel sighed.

Rachel:  Ross, we were only kidding.  Just tell us what the tickets are for.
We REALLY want to know.

    Ross' face brightened.

Ross: Really?

    The group nodded and answered with forced enthusiasm.  Ross smiled widely.

Ross: Well, okay then.  My boss was going to take his wife and kids on a trip
this weekend, but his father had a heart attack and he couldn't go.  So, he
gave me his six tickets to this Murder Mystery Weekend upstate...Isn't that
great?

    Monica, Rachel, Joey and Chandler responded with mild excitement, while
Phoebe screamed in delight.

Phoebe: Oh yes!  I've always wanted to do this! I so hope I am the one who
gets killed.  I've always thought I'd be a GREAT ghost...I'm kind of sick of
the whole reincarnation thing anyway.

    Monica, Rachel, Ross and Chandler just stared silently at Phoebe, while
Joey nudged Chandler, whispering...

Joey: Too bad his boss' father didn't have a heart attack when he had Knicks'
tickets.
 
*  *  *  *

    Ross, Joey and Chandler entered Monica and Rachel's apartment, each
holding a small suitcase.  They watched Monica who was sitting at the kitchen
table, a list in her hand, while she mumbled to herself.

Monica: Disinfectant...Check!

    Chandler shook his head.

Chandler: What do you need disinfectant for? We're staying at an inn, not a
hospital, Mon.

    Monica put the list down and shook her head at them.

Monica: Do you have any idea how many germs can be lurking in those rooms?
Do you really expect me to trust some maid to clean them sufficiently?

    Chandler eyes narrowed and he gestured outward with his hand.

Chandler: And throw caution to the wind like that, of course not!

    Ross and Joey laughed, while Monica rewarded Chandler with a sardonic
smile.

    Just then, Rachel came out of her bedroom holding a blue dress in her
right hand and a black dress in the other.  She held the blue one up to her
figure.

Rachel: Okay, guys, which one says I'm available?

    Joey smiled at her.

Joey: Well, Rach, naked says that. So, neither, I guess.

    Rachel rolled her eyes.

Rachel: Someone besides Joey please answer.

    Monica gestured towards the black one, a short, low-cut, spaghetti strap
dress.

Monica: I really like that one, Rach.

    Rachel held it up to her figure, while Ross eyed it. He muttered beneath
his breath.

Ross: Yeah, if you're looking for a dress that also says I'm a slut.

    Rachel glared at him, having heard his comment.

Rachel: Excuse me?  You didn't seem to mind this dress when we were still
going out.

    Ross shook his head, thinking of how beautiful she always looked in that
dress.  It was one of his favorites.

Ross: Look, forget it.  Wear whatever you want, Rach.

    Rachel sighed.

Rachel: Well, thank you so much for your approval, Ross.

    Ross waved her off, as he went to sit down in the living room.  Joey and
Chandler followed him.  Joey whispered to Chandler.

Joey:  So does someone really get murdered during this thing?

    Chandler's eyebrows peaked in shock.  Then he smiled slightly and slowly
replied.

Chandler: Yes.

    Joey's eyes widened and he sank back in the couch.

Joey: Dude, that's harsh.  You'd think they would just hire some actor and
make him pretend to die.

    Chandler hid his smile.

Chandler:  You know, you'd think so.

    Joey sighed, shaking his head.

Joey:  Whoa, well, I hope it's not one of us...That'd really ruin the
weekend.

    Chandler nodded in agreement.

Chandler: Sure would.

Joey: So once the murder happens, we're supposed to try and solve it, right?
And the murderer could be, like, anyone, right?

    Chandler nodded, with a well hidden smile.

Chandler:  Yup, anyone.  Hey, it could even turn out to be one of us.

    Joey's expression turned from shock to suspicion as he now eyed Ross.

Joey:  In that case, don't turn your back on Ross, man.  Remember, he came up
with this whole thing.  It could be a trap.  He went kinda crazy once,
remember the sandwich? Plus, he's the quiet, smart type...Al Bundy was the
same way.

    Chandler lifted his hand in a confused gesture.

Chandler: The "Married with Children" guy, Joe?

    Joey smirked, shaking his head.

Joey: Hey, I don't know if he had a wife and kids, I just know he's the guy
who lured all those girls by making believe he was injured and then killed
them.

    Chandler silently laughed at Joey's misconception of his question and
then nodded at him.

Chandler:  Oh, you mean Ted Bundy.

    Joey held his hands up, as if defending himself.

Joey: Look, man, I didn't know he had a nickname, I just know he killed
people.

    Chandler shook his head and placed his face in his hands.

*  *  *  *  *  *

    Phoebe entered the apartment, carrying a small suitcase.  She collapsed
exhaustively into one of the kitchen chairs.

Phoebe: I had NO idea it was so hard preparing to be killed.

    Monica smiled sympathetically at her.

Monica: Phoebs, you do know that no one is actually going to get murdered
this weekend, right?  It's just an interactive show.

    Phoebe shook her head, not believing her.

Phoebe: No way am I falling for THAT again.

    Monica look at her in confusion.

Monica: Honey, what are you talking about?

Phoebe: While I lived on the street, my friends and I went to this party one
time.  And they swore that nobody would get killed, like the last time.  But,
sure enough, my friend, One-eyed Carl, dropped dead right in front of me.
They said it was a heart attack, but I've never been convinced.  After that,
I swore I'd always be prepared for the possibility of being killed. You see,
Carl wasn't prepared and the contents of his shopping cart and cardboard box
were just given away to any old bum.

    Monica eyes widened at Phoebe's story.  She just patted her hand and
nodded.

Monica: Well, then it's best to prepared, now isn't?

    Phoebe smiled.

Phoebe: Exactly.

*  *  *  *  *  *

    Ross raised himself out of the chair and clapped his hands together.

Ross: Okay, is everyone ready to go?  We have to be there by five.

    Everyone nodded, while Rachel emerged from her bedroom.  She was dragging
two large suitcases and a garment bag behind her.

Rachel: I'm ready!

    Everyone stared at her abundance of suitcases in disbelief.  Chandler
snapped his fingers.

Chandler: That reminds me...Thanks, Rach...I knew I forgot to pack everything
and the kitchen sink!

    Rachel feigned a laugh.

Rachel: Very funny, Chandler.  But I'll have you know that I could not do
without one thing in these suitcases. I packed only the bare essentials.

    Ross snickered and grabbed the garment bag from her, unzipping it down
its full-length.  He pulled out a very dressy evening ball gown, with a full
skirt.

Ross: A ball gown, Rach?

    Rachel shrugged, speaking hesitantly.

Rachel:  You never know how fancy things will get...or...if an impromptu ball
will be thrown.  It's best to be prepared.

    Phoebe smiled and pointed at Rachel.

Phoebe: Exactly!

    Ross shook his head at Rachel.

Ross: Everyone else is only taking one suitcase, Rach.  You're just going to
have to  choose one.

Rachel: One?!

    Rachel looked dejectedly at the three bags.  Chandler smiled and
whispered to Joey.

Chandler: Ah, it's never easy watching a mother being separated from her
young.

*  *   *   *  *
 
    After Rachel finally decided on what to take, the six headed out and
traveled upstate.  They made good time and arrived a little before five. They
headed up to the inn, luggage in tow.  The door was opened by a man
resembling Frankenstein and he greeted them coldly, as Ross handed them their
tickets.

    Joey elbowed Chandler.

Joey:  Watch out for that guy.

    Chandler nodded, as they followed him to their rooms.  The guys were
given a spacious room to share and the girls were given the same.  Joey
spotted the TV and ran over to the remote, his eyes brightening.  He smiled
widely at Chandler and Ross.

Joey: With any luck, this place gets unscrambled porn.

    Chandler and Ross smiled at Joey.  Joey turned on the TV and flipped
through the few channels that it had.  He worriedly got up and banged on the
television.

Joey: Damn thing must be broken!  It only gets, like, three channels.

Ross: Uh, Joe, it's not broken...It just doesn't get cable.

    Joey's eyes widened in alarm.

Joey: No cable!  What kind of hell have you brought us to, man?!  Next thing
I know, you'll be telling me they don't have sandwiches and pizza here,
either...Oh, man!

*  *   *   *   *

    Monica, Rachel and Phoebe each sat on their own beds, while they chatted..
 Monica rubbed her hands together excitedly.

Monica:  I cannot wait for someone to be murdered!

    Rachel shrugged.

Rachel:  What's the big deal, Mon?  I mean, some actor is going to pretend to
die and he'll be all covered in fake blood and stuff.  And then we've got to
go around and ask all of the other actors questions to try to solve it.  It
sounds pretty stupid to me.  I'll just be checking out the cute guys.

    Monica shook her head at her.

Monica: Stupid?!  It is that kind of attitude, Rach, that will cause us to
lose!  There are other guests here, you know.  They'll want to solve the
murders, too.  We have to win!

    Phoebe shook her head.

Phoebe:  Actors! Ha!  That's what they WANT you to believe. That way you'll
think you're safe.  Did you see that guy at the door?  Now, did he look like
an actor to you?

    Monica and Rachel nodded, responding in unison.

Mon&Rach: Yeah, he did.

    Phoebe nodded with a smile.

Phoebe: That's right, because they want you to believe that he is an actor
when he's really not.

    Rachel brought a hand up to her head.

Rachel: Okay, you know what, Phoebs, I think I now have a headache.

    Phoebe's eyes widened and she briefly covered her mouth.

Phoebe: See!...They've already gotten Rachel!

*   *   *    *  *

    The friends dressed for dinner and then walked down to the large dining
room together.  There were fifteen round tables set around the room.  Each
table held six to eight people.  The room was already filled with guests that
were mingling.  Some milled around the buffet and the open bar.  Joey spotted
a leggy blond at the buffet and sauntered over to her.  He grabbed a plate
and came up close behind her.

Joey: How you doin'?

    The woman turned around and frowned at him.  Her face was heavily caked
in makeup and a fancy hat was perched atop her head, it matching her scarlet
dress.

Woman: I'm afraid that I am in a dreadful situation.

    Joey smiled and put his arm around the woman's shoulder.

Joey: Tell Joey.

    The doe-eyed woman smiled slightly at him.

Woman: Oh, thank you.  By the way, my name is Lorena.  I am so scared, Joey.
You see, my husband is a dangerous man.  He-

    Joey let his hand drop from her shoulder and backed away from her, his
eyes now roaming the room.  He spoke nervously.

Joey: Is...is he...he here?  He's not a big man, is he?

Lorena:  He's a very big, strong man.  And...and he wants me dead!  Please,
help me.

    The woman spoke dramatically, while raising a hand to her forehead.  Joey
took another step back and placed his hands out in front of him.

Joey: Whoa...Whoa...Whoa!  Look, lady, I'm not looking for trouble.  I don't
need a basketcase right now.  If your husband wants to kill you, well,
there's nothing I can really do about it.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
some pizza and sandwiches to find.

    With that, Joey hurried away from the woman and practically ran towards
Chandler, who was talking with a woman.  He grabbed frantically onto
Chandler's arm.

Joey: Dude, I need you!...I need you right now, man!

    Chandler smiled embarrassedly at the woman, who was looking strangely at
Joey.  Chandler spoke to Joey through clenched teeth.

Chandler: Go away!  Go away now if you value your life!

Joey: It's not my life that's endanger, Chandler!  It's that woman over there
who's endanger.

    Chandler turned to the woman he had been talking to.

Chandler: I'm sorry, my friend was just recently released from an insane
asylum.  He's still adjusting.

    The woman raised her eyebrows and then turned away from him without a
word.  Chandler angrily turned to Joey.

Chandler: What did you think you were doing?!  Do I have to remind you how
much work I have to go through to get a woman to even acknowledge my
existence, never mind talk to me!

    Joey shook his head at him.

Joey: For once, can we not make everything about you!

    Chandler sighed and relented.

Chandler: Fine, Joe, tell me what's going on.

    Joey pointed to Lorena, who was still standing at the buffet, now talking
to another man.

Joey: That woman told me that her husband wants her dead!  He's going to kill
her, Chandler!  She's the one who's going to be murdered!  What do we do?!

Chandler: Calm down, it's only pret-

    Chandler almost found himself saying that it was all pretend, but quickly
stopped himself.  Joey thinking it was real was way too much fun.

Chandler: I mean, calm down and let's think this over.

    Joey nodded and raised his fingers to his mouth as he thought.  In a few
moments, he spoke excitedly.

Joey: I got it!  Look, man, I know that someone is supposed to get murdered
this weekend, but, frankly, I think that's just plain mean.  I say we save
the lady.

Chandler: And how would we go about doing that, Joe?

Joey: We'll just find her husband, tie him up, put him in a closet and then
wait till the weekend is over...Problem solved.

    Joey nodded proudly, gently tapping his temple.  Chandler smiled and
nodded in agreement, while he tried to keep his laughter in check.

*  *   *  *   *   *

Ross: So everyone is always making fun of my job as a paleontologist, but I
really enjoy it.  I mean, sure I work with fossils that have been extinct for
millions of years, but that doesn't mean they aren't good company.  And do
you know how I decided to become a paleontologist?  Funny story--

    The eyes of the woman Ross was talking to were just about to roll back
into her head, when Monica anxiously grabbed onto his arm.

Monica: Ross!

    Ross turned to Monica and then back to the woman, who was now gone.

Ross: Hey, where'd she go?

    Monica shrugged.

Monica: Well, if you were talking about paleontology, then my guess would be
she went to find a fork that she could use to plunge into her eyes.

    Ross snickered at Monica and then brought his fists up to bang them
together.  Monica shook her head and glared at him, but decided not to
respond.

Monica: Look, Ross, our team is losing.  Some teams already have a list of
people that might be killed.  We are going to lose!

    Ross brought his finger up to his lips to try to calm a shrieking Monica..
 

Ross:  Okay, Mon, but I don't think shattering all of the champagne glasses
will help us.  Lower your voice.

Monica: I'm sorry, I just hate to lose.

    Ross nodded knowingly.

Ross: Yeah, I know.  I have a scar from the time I beat you in Monopoly and
you stabbed my hand with the wheelbarrow game piece.

Monica: I didn't stab you, Ross!  I was just...I was frustrated and I forgot
I had it in my hand when I gave you your congratulatory handshake.

    Ross rolled his eyes and mumbled a "yeah, right" beneath his breath.

Monica:  Just forget about all of that, okay!  We have some clues to gather!

    Monica turned on her heel, with Ross following behind her.

*  *  *   *    *   *
 
    Rachel touched the arm of the man she was talking to, while she smile
flirtatiously at him.

Rachel:  So, you're a detective.  That must be a very interesting and
dangerous job.

    The handsome man nodded.

Man: Yes, and I hope that there will not be trouble tonight...I am supposed
to be off duty.

    All of the sudden, Phoebe came to stand next to Rachel.  She'd been
listening to their conversation.

Phoebe: A detective. So I guess you'll have your hands full tonight...You
know, with the murder and all.

    The man, Jim, raised an eyebrow exaggeratedly.

Jim: A murder?  What murder?  Tell me what has occurred.

    Rachel was growing irritated with Phoebe for interrupting their
conversation, but she remained silent.  Phoebe laughed at him.

Phoebe: Oh my God!  I can't believe they actually think they can pass you off
as an actor!  You're a real detective, admit it!

    Rachel touched Phoebe's arm.

Rachel: Phoebs, you have to lower your voice.  And, of course, he's a real
detective.  He wouldn't lie to me about that.  There really are actors here,
but he's not one of them. You wouldn't lie to me about being a detective,
would you, Jim?

    Jim leaned forward and spoke softly.

Jim: Look, I really like you, so I'll tell you the truth.  I really am an
actor playing a detective for this weekend.

Rachel:  You did lie to me!

Jim:  It's my job.

    Phoebe shook her head defiantly.

Phoebe: No, it's not!  Stop trying to trick us.  We know what's going on.
They want us to THINK you're all actors, so we'll feel safe and then we can
be easily murdered.  I figured you out.  Now, I am not afraid to die, I have
made the appropriate preparations.  But my friends have not, so you'll just
have to protect them, Mr. Detective guy.

    Jim held his hands up to her.

Jim: Look, lady, this is all fake.  No one needs protecting.

    Phoebe shook her head, grabbing Rachel and Jim by their arms and dragging
them with her.

Phoebe: Oh, we'll see about that.

*  *   *   *  *  *

    Chandler and Joey scanned the room.

Chandler:  So, which one do you think is Lorena's husband?

    Joey shrugged.

Joey: I don't know.  But I do know he's big, strong and dangerous looking.

    Chandler smiled.

Chandler: Well, that eliminates me.
 
    Joey nodded and then his eyes widened as he spotted the woman talking to
Ross.

Joey: Look!  She's talking to Ross!   And he's making weird, aggressive
motions with his hands towards her.

Ross:  So, I've taken KaraTE lessons for a long time.  KaraTE is a very
intricate art form, as you can tell by the motions I am demonstrating for you.

    Joey turned to Chandler, his eyes wide with shock.

Joey: Look at him Chandler!  It's Ross!  Ross is her husband!

    Chandler looked at Joey with an absurd expression.

Chandler: What?

    Joey rolled his eyes.

Joey: Do I have to spell it out for you?

    Chandler nodded.

Chandler: Apparently so.

    Joey sighed.

Joey: Ross is Lorena's husband.  I mean, it makes sense.  He's always
marrying women, what's one more?  But now he's going to kill her!  I told you
he was the right type!  Just like that Bundy guy...We have to stop him!

    Before Chandler could stop him, Joey was darting towards Ross and Lorena..

Ross:  Many people do not understand the purpose of KaraTE.  But I-

    Ross' sentence was cut off when Joey rushed towards him, quickly engaging
him in a choke-hold.

Joey: Don't do it, Man!  We can get you help!   So you married another girl,
made another mistake.  You don't have to resort to killing her!

    Ross' expression turned to shock, as he struggled to speak.

Ross: Wh...ha...at?!

    Chandler reached Ross and Joey.

Chandler: Oh noooo...noooo....noooo....Joey let go of Ross.

Ross: Yeah...let...go...of...Ross.

    Joey looked down at him, speaking through clenched teeth.

Joey:  You be quiet!

    Just then, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe and Jim surrounded the three men.

Monica: Oh no!  What did we miss?!  What did we miss?!

Phoebe: Jim, you were supposed to be protecting my friends!  What kind of
detective are you?!

    Jim spoke through clenched teeth.

Jim: I am NOT a detective!  I am an actor!

    Phoebe rolled her eyes.

Phoebe: Oh, would you let it go already?!  The jig is up, Columbo!

    Rachel frowned.

Rachel: This sucks!  I finally meet a nice guy with a cool job and he turns
out to be an actor!  If I wanted an actor, I'd date Joey.

    Joey heard Rachel and looked up from his choke-hold to smile and say...

Joey: How you doin'?

    Due to Joey's brief lapse in attention, Ross was able to wriggle free of
his grip.  He rubbed at his throat.

Ross: Damn it, man!  You know I have sensitive skin!  Why the hell did you do
that, anyway?

    Chandler raised his hand up, before Joey could answer.

Chandler: Let's just go out into the hall and discuss this, okay?  Come on,
Ross, Hulk.

    The guys headed out the door, with the girls following behind them.  They
had no sooner left the room, when a shot rang out from inside the room.
Monica's eyes widened.

Monica: NOOOOO!!!

    They all hurried back into the room and found that Lorena had been "shot"
and now lay in a pool of "blood"...She was "dead".

Monica: We missed it!  Now, it'll be much harder to solve the murder!

    Joey solemnly knelt down to the floor.

Joey: Oh, Lorena!  You're not doin' so well now!   And my friend, Ross,
couldn't have killed you because he was outside with us.  So, I guess he
isn't your husband.  Oh, Lorena...My poor Lorena!

    Joey stood up, wiping at his eyes.  He raised a finger up.

Joey: I know who killed the lovely Lorena.

    Monica's eyes lit up.

Monica:  You do?!   Wait, don't say it-

Joey: It was her husband!

    Monica stomped her foot in frustration.

Monica: JOEY!

    Joey ignored her and continued.

Joey: And, as God is my witness, I swear that I will find him and make sure
that he is punished.

    Chandler bit his lip to keep from laughing.  Jim stepped forward.

Jim: Sir, that is my job.  Please, let the police handle this.

    Phoebe snickered at him.

Phoebe: Oh, now you want to handle this!  Where were you when that lady was
being killed? Bad, Detective...Bad!...No, I'll handle this.

    Phoebe put two fingers between her lips and let out a shrill whistle.

Phoebe: Okay, now nobody leaves these premises!  Everyone is a suspect and
you will all need to be questioned.  A murderer lurks in our midst.  Be
careful, my friends, be careful.

    The crowd dispersed when Phoebe was done and they began to question
various guests. Monica gathered them all around her and forced them into a
huddle.
 
Monica:  Now, we have to learn how to work together or we will lose!

Joey: Monica, it's not about losing, it's about justice for-

Monica: That's exactly what I am talking about!  When one person is talking,
everyone else is silent.  Is that understood?

    The group begrudgingly mumbled a "yes."

Monica: Now, I have taken the liberty of preparing these note cards that have
questions that we must ask the guests.  They are divided into three
categories in accordance with the suspects. We cannot be sure that her
husband is not disguised as a woman, so the women are included. The
categories are: "Suspicious Males", "Suspicious Females", and "Males and
Females Who Gave Me an Uneasy Feeling, yet Could Not be Categorized as
Suspicious."  Now the questions must be followed to the letter, do not
improvise.

    Chandler snickered at her.

Chandler: Are you going to tell us when to pee, too, Mon?

    Monica shook her head.

Monica: Considering you wet your bed till you were thirteen, that might not
be a bad idea, Chandler.

    Chandler lowered his eyes in embarrassment, while he grumbled something
about her being fat as a kid.

Monica: Okay, now we will be breaking up into pairs.  Joey and Chandler, me
and Phoebe, and Ross and Rachel.

Rachel: Mon, I don't want to be with Ross.

    Ross glared at her.

Monica: I'm sorry, Rach, but the pairs were painstakingly picked by drawing
names out of a hat until I received the highest probability for two names.
So, you see, there is no switching.

    Rachel responded sarcastically.

Rachel: Well, if it's written in stone like that.

    Monica nodded and handed the cards out to everyone.

Monica:  Um, I've also taken the liberty of laminating the cards, so that
spillage will not be a problem.

    Chandler looked at her with an expression of absurdity.

Chandler: You brought a laminator with you?

    Monica looked down, while she shrugged her shoulders.

Monica: You...um...never know when you're going to need it.

    Chandler smiled, adding in a haughty tone.

Chandler:  And me without mine!  How foolish do I feel?

    Monica scowled at him, before turning back to the group.

Monica: Okay, now go get them!

*  *   *  *   *   *