TOW Too Many Bings
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
Written by: Anne Pascal
This takes place in season 7. Joey is living alone. Rachel and Phoebe are at Phoebe’s and Ross across the hall.
Scene: Joey’s – Chandler is pacing around talking to Phoebe and Joey
CHANDLER: So I am introduced to all of them. I mean all of them. Every last living Geller that exists – Great Aunts, cousins 8 times removed. I felt like exhibit A – and – like I was the new member of the family.
PHOEBE: So what’s the problem? Didn’t you always want to be part of a family – a proper family?
CHANDLER: Yea but they’re all pretty normal. What am I going to do when they meet the Bings?
JOEY: Your Mom’s OK. You should be proud you have an attractive mom.
CHANDLER: Yea but she rarely gets through a whole meal without mentioning the contents of men’s pants. And look what happened between her and Ross already. And then there is Dad..
JOEY: (Looking alarmed). Is he in New York?
CHANDLER No but he’s coming – he’s coming. New York has just over a month to prepare.
PHOEBE: Can’t you put him off until the wedding – I mean its not like he has been around a lot?
CHANDLER: No I might as well let Monica in for the full Bing extravaganza. It might put her off having children with me if she knows what’s in the genes..
Joey (looking confused): If she doesn’t know what’s in your jeans your’re going to have problems having children man.
(Chandler just stares at Joey in disbelief then puts his head in his hands). Oh God then there is Uncle Ernie and Aunt Edna, they want to be at the wedding.
PHOEBE and JOEY: Who?
CHANDLER: Dad’s brother and sister. They make the Adams family look like the Brady bunch.
PHOEBE: A bit intense ha?
CHANDLER: No Phoebe. A lot intense.
JOEY: Well they sound like they’ll be fun. Any more relatives that are going to be dug up?
CHANDLER: No I think that’s just about the whole neurotic bunch. It’s amazing I turned out so level headed and normal….
Scene: Doctor’s surgery with Chandler and Monica sitting nervously across the table from the doctor
DOCTOR: The reason I wanted you to bring your fiancée with you is that I’m afraid I have some bad news – for both of you.
MONICA: What – what is it? Stress – the stress of the wedding. I told Chandler it was stress but he insisted I came to see you. It is stress isn’t it?
DOCTOR: No the test results show the reason that you have been suffering the symptoms you have is… Miss Geller – I’m afraid you are going through an early menopause.
CHANDLER: The change – you mean that Monica is becoming an old lady … oh.
MONICA: Can I still have children?
Dr: No. I’m sorry. Your uterus is showing unusual signs of degeneration. Your eggs may be OK for another couple of months – if, as you say, you are still bleeding every month? That is unusual with the state of your uterus. You have a slight chance of having a baby then if you used a surrogate. But you would need to act now. And I mean this month or next.
Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Rachel and Chandler are sitting at the kitchen table.
RACHEL: I can’t believe it.
CHANDLER: I know. Life sucks.
RACHEL: You know Monica has done a lot for me. She put me up when I left Barry… She’s like a sister and she has been desperate to have a baby for as long as I’ve known her. She used to knit booties in grade 2 when the rest of us were playing hopscotch
CHANDLER: I know. Rach… He looks at her with a question on his face
RACHEL: Do you think she would let me do this for you guys?
Monica enters carrying laundry
MONICA (angry): You told her? Why did you tell her? I thought this was between us Chandler.
RACHEL: He guessed that I could be the one person to help you out. I could be your surrogate – I mean Phoebe did it.
MONICA: That’s very sweet of you but I couldn’t ask you to do that ..
MONICA: Because I know how you really feel about it. I mean we discussed this when Phoebe went through it. And you don’t like pain.
RACHEL: Yea but I would prefer to go through that pain than watch the pain of you guys not having children.
CHANDLER: Ahhh Rach…
MONICA: You would really be prepared to put yourself through that for us?
RACHEL: Well you’d do it for me. I know you would. (They hug) Anyway Ralph Lauren are doing this really cool new range of maternity clothes.
Scene: Chandler at the hospital at the reception desk.
NURSE (handing him a tube): We need it in there within the next half-hour.
CHANDLER: (looking at the receptacle in horror) Don’t you have a bigger pot. I mean one with a bigger hole at the top. I mean (in a whisper) my aim has never been that good and I don’t quite see how I can get the right angle on it.
NURSE: (looking disinterested): Those are the only ones we have. Now you should find everything you need in the room to the right.
CHANDLER: Really?! Everything?
Scene: Central Perk: Chandler very nervous, jumping around all over the place, unable to sit still. Ross, Joey and Phoebe on the couch.
CHANDLER: Are you sure Ross I mean if you’ve changed your mind I’ll understand man - we can manage. I just, at the moment, I don’t want to put Mon to any more trouble and you know what she is like when we have guests.
ROSS: No you’re good. I was married to a lesbian. I mean, if anyone can deal with your Dad I can and he’s only staying for two nights.
PHOEBE: And it gives Ross a chance to know the rest of your family – now you’re going to be brothers - of course he knows your Mum really well already.
Chandler stops bouncing around for a moment to give Phoebe a dirty look.
JOEY: You never know they may find they have lots in common… Where’s Mon?
CHANDLER: She’s asleep again. Oh my God Dad!?
Grey haired man (Steve Martin) enters with blonde bombshell (Pamela Anderson).
JOEY: Is that – she has to be real – oh my God she has to be real – don’t tell me that she’s a guy…
PHOEBE: (looking at PM) Wow! Chandlers’s Dad looks young for his age.
Chandler goes to his dad and guardedly greets him with hands in pockets.
CHANDLER: Well Dad – how have you been these last – 10 years. This a "friend" of yours?
CHANDLER’S DAD: Sorry to spring this on you – but I couldn’t find a way to tell you on the phone – this is… not what you think.
CHANDLER: No? (whispering) She’s a guy – she’s not a guy in drag is she? I mean I think I would know…
CHANDLER’S DAD: No! You remember the neighbours we had before the split. You know Dave and Cynthia and little Stephanie?
CHANDLER: Vaguely. Cynthia was a bit of vamp. Didn’t quite compete with Mum but…
CHANDLER’S DAD: This is Stephanie, Chandler.
CHANDLER: Little Stephanie – I don’t understand - Nooooo! You didn’t. Oh hell you did didn’t you? How could you – I mean you’re gay….
CHANDLER’S DAD: Not always.
CHANDLER Can’t you commit to anything!
ROSS: Hang on a minute I don’t quite understand.
STEPHANIE: Could this guy be any slower. I’m his sister – his half sister. I thought it time we should meet. I mean weddings being family affairs an’ all.
JOEY: (Jumps up to introduce himself) How you doin…
CHANDLER: Ahhh no.
JOEY to ROSS: Time we avenged our sisters man.
ROSS: So is she I mean is she, is she, staying with me? (Very broad grin)
Scene: Chandler and Monica’s:
Monica comes out of the bedroom still yawning. Rachel is in the kitchen reading a magazine.
Monica: There’ll be here soon. You should have woken me. So how do you feel? You know I just can’t believe you are doing this for me. I mean I had you down as…
Rachel: As what Mon?
Monica: erm my dearest friend.
Rachel: You were going to say I was selfish and spoilt. But that is why I wanted to do this. To pay you back for all the times I have not done the dishes, or taken out the trash, or moaned at you about your brother….
Monica: I can’t believe it worked.
Rachel: How are you feeling?
Monica: Well I had to have some more tests before they start to put me on medication. You know hormone replacement therapy.
Rachel: Yea my mom was on that. You know you don’t strike me as someone going through the change.
Monica: Well maybe that is because I’m only 31.
Rachel: No I mean you still glow. I know you have been a bit tired and icky feeling and you’ve been moodier than normal but it still doesn’t add up.
Chandler’s Dad, Stephanie, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and Ross enter:
Chandler: So Mon, Rachel this is Dad and my half-sister Stephanie
Monica: Sister? – Chandler never mentioned…
Chandler: Well nor did my Dad.
Monica: But I thought…
Stephanie: So is this the Rachel that you got pregnant?
Monica (a little put out): I see the way with words runs in the family. Rachel is acting as our surrogate.
They all sit in the sitting area. Monica on Chandler’s lap.
Ross: So how are you feeling Rach?
Rachel: A bit freaked, but not bad.
Ross: I am so proud of you.
Monica: Oh go on you’re all freaked out that she is carrying Chandler’s child.
Ross: Well it does seem a bit – ya know.
Monica: What worse than Phoebe carrying her brother’s baby?
Joey to Monica: Doesn’t it make you feel a bit weird that Chandler got Rachel pregnant?
Monica: It’s not like he slept with her. It’s my baby too.
Stephanie: Well I think it is an amazing thing to do for someone.
Steve: Yea me too.
Knock, Chandler goes to open the door.
CHANDLER: Mum?! You chose this weekend to come – why did you choose this weekend to come?
CHANDLER’S MUM: Well I heard about Monica and I thought I would come and cheer you up and…(spots her ex-husband and Stephanie) oh I see.
CHANDLER: Mum this is Dad – Dad this is Mum. Oh and Stephanie…
CHANDLER’S MUM: Yea I always knew about Stephanie.
CHANDLER: Well isn’t this nice the whole family together .
Ross, Joey, Phoebe and Rachel look around and sense the tension:
All together: Yea we should go (Try to dash out)
CHANDLER (barring the door): No no no. I mean Ross - you will be part of the family – and Rachel well you have part of the family in you. (whispering) please guys.
CHANDLER’S DAD: So Nora who’s in your life right now.? Is the boy old enough to drink?
CHANDLER’S MUM: Yes is yours?
STEPHANIE (trying to change the subject): Monica I just love your dress.
CHANDLER’S MUM: Why did your dad have one just like it?
CHANDLER: Does anyone know if Madeleine Albright is available?
CHANDLER’S DAD: So Nora are you going to tell "your public" when you are a grandmother - granny.
CHANDLER’S MUM: Oh my God I hadn’t thought of that. Chandler how could you do this to me?
Chandler: Well it was difficult actually I mean the top of the tube they gave me was so small that you had to…. Monica why don’t you and Rachel take Mum shopping.
RACHEL: Do we get your credit card. For baby stuff I mean?
CHANDLER: Why not!
Scene: Central Perk – Chandler and his dad on the chairs. Joey, Ross and Stephanie over by the counter.
CHANDLER: So – Dad – you’ve not told me how it happened – you and the vamp I mean
CHANDLER’S DAD: You mean Cynthia
CHANDLER’S DAD: Oh it was nothing really. I had quite a bit to drink and I got a little overly affectionate.
CHANDLER: Overly affectionate!
CHANDLER’S DAD: What - you never been there?
CHANDLER’S DAD: So how did you and Monica start out? You’d been friends for years – don’t tell me that there was no alcohol involved?
CHANDLER: There may have been a little alcohol. But I’m not gay and Monica didn’t get pregnant.
Over at the counter:
Joey: So wouldn’t you rather stay nearer your brother – I mean across the hall.
ROSS: She has a place with me and she can see Chandler from my place.
JOEY: But you don’t have the spare bedroom with his Dad there as well.
Stephanie: He has a point.
Ross looks very glum
Scene: Joey’s apartment later that night. Joey and Stepahnie.
STEPHANIE: So we should establish some ground rules. Chandler has spoken to me about you.
JOEY: What? It’s not like Chandler grew up knowing you were his sister.
STEPHANIE: But we did grow up together. I was the girl next door.
JOEY: Chandler grew up with you living next door? So did you ever…
STEPHANIE: (Shocked) No!
JOEY: OK. You’re right. Chandler is like a brother to me. I don’t want to over step the line.
STEPHANIE: Well I think it would be OK if you treated me like your own sister. I don’t think that would upset Chandler.
JOEY: I’m good on that. I have seven sisters.
STEPHANIE: Well we should get on just fine then.
JOEY: I still think I should check. I assume it is all right to give you a hug goodnight.
STEPHANIE: Yea – that’s just friendly like.
(He gives her a hug)
JOEY: I give my sisters a kiss too.
STEPHANIE: Yea that’s OK too.
(He kisses her on the cheek)
JOEY: What about a kiss on the lips.
STEPHANIE: Only on special occasions – you know – birthdays and Christmas and stuff.
JOEY: Well this is the first time you met Chandler since you knew he was your brother.
STEPHANIE: Yea I guess that’s OK then
(He kisses her on the lips – but it goes on several seconds – She pulls away)
JOEY: But this might be going a bit too far.
S: Yea that’s probably too friendly.
(He gives her a really passionate kiss. She breaks away and looks him in the eye)
S: Now that’s really very friendly indeed.
(She goes back to kissing him)
Scene: Morning. Chandler and Monica are in bed, apparently naked.
CHANDLER: You feeling better?
MONICA: Yea – much better thanks.
CHANDLER: Well at least its not affecting your interest in me
MONICA: No (laughs) apparently not.
They start kissing. Nora comes in with two cups (without knocking)
CHANDLER’S MUM: Hi – thought you two kids would like some coffee.
CHANDLER: Don’t you knock?
CHANDLER’S MUM: (sitting on the bed much to both of their embarrassment) Knock! – I’m your mother and Monica doesn’t mind do you Monica? We’re almost family.
Phoebe, Ross and Rachel come into the apartment
CHANDLER’S MUM: We’re in here guys.
CHANDLER Do we have any privacy?
The gang enters the bedroom. Ross makes a face when he sees the state of Monica and Chandler and hangs back by the door. The others get on the bed.
The gang: Hey
CHANDLER AND MONICA (glumly, holding their covers up even tighter to their chests and looking away): Hey
CHANDLER’S MUM: Oh you two – getting all bashful? We’ve all had to sleep next to you guys.
RACHEL: Tell me about it! Did they start up again in the middle of the night. Just when you thought you were going to get some sleep?
PHOEBE: I think it comes from the time they were creeping around and had to get up in the middle of the night to avoid being caught.
CHANDLER: We’re still here!
ROSS: So have you seen Joey and Stephanie this morning? Your Dad thought he might take us all to dinner tonight.
CHANDLER’S MUM: Do they have any gay strip clubs in New York?
CHANDLER: A few…… (they all look at him strangely) so I have heard. So Joey and Stephanie not up yet?
Ross and Chandler do a double take. Chandler goes to get out of bed and stares pointedly at his mum, Rachel and Phoebe. Rachel and Phoebe make a dash for the door.
Scene; Joey’s apartment. Chandler and Ross come bursting into the apartment just as Joey and Stephanie are emerging, semi-dressed, from the bedroom.
CHANDLER (to Joey): I just don’t believe you could do this to me. This is my sister.
ROSS: Hang on a minute – who exactly are you sleeping with at the moment?
CHANDLER: Your sister – but it’s different I mean I’m marrying her.
JOEY: I don’t notice you marrying my sister.
CHANDLER: Which sister?
JOEY: You tell me!
CHANDLER: That was years ago and I was drunk – we just fooled around. I didn’t sleep with her.
ROSS: So the first night you slept with Monica – you weren’t going to marry her then.
CHANDLER: I don’t remember sleeping much.. But this is about Joey and my sister.
JOEY: Yea but Chandler we all know what you and your family are like after a drink. Your gay father managed to get a woman pregnant when he was drunk and when you’re drunk you get so affectionate you would mount anything that stayed still long enough. You’re hardly in a position to lecture me…
CHANDLER: Once, maybe twice, I have got a little drunk and maybe a bit too friendly. But I didn’t sleep with your sister and I didn’t go to bed with Monica because I was drunk. Monica was a little drunk and, well she was upset and I was just comforting her.
ROSS: Comforting her! You mean she was vulnerable and you took advantage!
CHANDLER: I’m marrying her for God’s sake doesn’t that suggest to you that it wasn’t a drunken fling? And you weren’t even drunk when you kissed my mum!
STEPHANIE: He kissed Nora Bing! So hang on a minute boys – let me get the whole grizzly history between you guys right. Chandler you "fooled around" (whatever that means) with Joey’s sister, are sleeping with Ross’s sister and her best friend is carrying your child. Ross, you kissed Chandler’s Mum (ewwwww) and tried it on with Chandler’s sister (yea you did). Joey, you slept with Chandler’s sister and tried it on with Ross’s sister (yea I heard about the lemonade too)…. I think everyone’s even in this little Greek tragedy here don’t you.
ROSS: I didn’t sleep with anyone’s relative.
STEPHANIE: But you kissed his Mum. I think that must count the same as sleeping with at least two sisters.
CHANDLER: He doesn’t have any other sisters for me to sleep with.
STEPHANIE: Yea but you "fooled around" with Joey’s sister.
CHANDLER: But he’s now slept with my sister.
STEPHANIE: Half sister. So "fooling around" with a full sister is probably the same as sleeping with a half-sister.
CHANDLER: OK then.
JOEY: So Chandler. Monica was upset and vulnerable. What happened then?
Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Monica, Pheobe, and Rachel are sitting round the table having breakfast
RACHEL: So come on Monica its about time we found out how this all started. I mean Chandler…
Chandler’s Mum comes out of Rachel’s old room
PHOEBE: Yea! Chandler.
CHANDLER’S MUM: Would it make a scene in one of my books?
RACHEL: I don’t think we want quite that level of detail.
PHOEBE: So come on Mon – you were at the dinner in London and…
MONICA: And we spent the night together.
RACHEL: Yea I think we need a little more detail than that. I mean Barbara Cartland wrote more detail than that.
PHOEBE: Yea. I mean how drunk were you – did you remember anything in the morning?! (looking at Chandler’s Mum) Not that you would need to be drunk. How did you step across that line…
MONICA: Well the line was kind of fuzzy. I mean I had had a lot to drink. He was just sort of cuddling me because I was upset and kissing my hair and my cheek
PHOEBE and RACHEL: Ahhh
MONICA: And then somehow he was kissing my lips. And to begin with I thought - I can’t stop him because he is being so nice and such a good friend and it would be so awkward in the morning.
RACHEL: Boy are you easy.
MONICA: And it was only a kiss. But then I kinda got into it.
Scene: Joey’s – continued from previous scene there.
CHANDLER: No I don’ t think we made it to the bed – not the first time.
ROSS: Ewww - How many times were there?
CHANDLER: (nervously) Seven
ROSS, STEPHANIE and JOEY: Seven!
CHANDLER: Yea well once I started I couldn’t seem to stop.
JOEY: That’s one hell of a lot of comforting.
ROSS to STEPHANIE: Does that mean I am owed at least one sister?
STEPHANIE: I’ll ask Dad if there are any others lurking around.
JOEY: Yea but didn’t you kiss Rachel’s sister?
ROSS: Well you slept with Phoebe’s sister. And she is a twin so that must count double.
CHANDLER: My Auntie Edna will be at the wedding – you’re welcome to her….
Scene: Monica and Chandler’s – continued from previous scene there.
PHOEBE: So it still must have been awkward
MONICA: No it was good, really good. It just felt right. I mean he’s loving and passionate
RACHEL: And taught by you
CHANDLER’S MUM: What?
RAACHEL: Well before this happened Mon and Chandler were so close that Chandler used to ask Monica how to get his girlfriends to "agree" with him. Monica taught him what she likes so it is hardly surprising if they hit it off in bed …. when they finally dragged themselves across the floor to the bed.
CHANDLER’S MUM: And he has physical attributes
RACHEL AND PHOEBE: He does? (they look in horror at Chandler’s Mum)
CHANDLER’S MUM: You don’t need to look at me so strangely. I used to change his diaper.
RACHEL: A few year ago presumably.
CHANDLER’S MUM: Yes but your born with what your born with. And Chandler relaxed would not feature in one of my books but even babies are sometimes less than relaxed and it was quite a transformation.
RACHEL AND PHOEBE: Really?
MONICA AND CHANDLER’S MUM: Oh yea
(Chandler walks in)
ALL:… Hi Chandler.
CHANDLER: (senses they have just stopped their conversation and looks nervously at them all) So what have you been talking about?
MONICA: Oh girls’ stuff
RACHEL: Now why do men think that we girls discuss nothing but the physical attributes of men?
ALL: Yea (laughing – awkwardly).
Monica: So how are you honey? Stephanie OK?
Chandler: What with Joey as a chaperone. What do you think?
Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. All the gang present.
Phone starts to ring
Chandler picks it up
CHANDLER: Hey Mon it is for you. It’s the doctor (stays nearby – clearly concerned)
DOCTOR: Miss Geller I am afraid we have made a terrible mistake. Your original test results seem to have got confused with another Miss M Geller. We only discovered it when we had some incompatible results from the last lot of tests we did. We really are very sorry.
MONICA: (glancing nervously at Rachel) I don’t understand. What are you telling me?
DOCTOR: You are fine and healthy except….
MONICA: (listens for a second or two more then-): Nooooooooo. She throws the phone down
CHANDLER: (jumps and put his arms around her – she buries her face in his shoulder): What, what is it?
MONICA: (moves away from him nervously) Well I suppose it is good news. It seems that they made a tiny little mistake at the hospital. My last lots of test results were incompatible with the first lot so they rechecked everything.
RACHEL: Oh my god do you mean….
ROSS: Why are they incompatible?
MONICA: Because the last lot of tests show that I am about four weeks pregnant.
Chandler spit out the drink he had just taken
CHANDLER: You’re pregnant?
MONICA: I’m about two weeks behind Rachel. The thing is that with the drugs I was on leading up to the egg extraction for the surrogacy the doctor said that there is a good chance of this being a multiple pregnancy.
CHANDLER: How multiple?
MONICA: I have a scan tomorrow. We find out then.
ROSS: Don’t they normally control the levels of those fertility drugs so this doesn’t happen?
MONICA: Well they thought I was infertile so they zapped me up with a high dosage to get the eggs for Rachel.
PHOEBE (starts to laugh) : Did you guys hear about that woman who gave birth to seven babies? That could be you Monica! Yea!
CHANDLER: Oh my god. This can not be happening.
ROSS: You know it’s kind of ironic. We all thought Chandler would be the last one to become a Dad and now he has gone into mass production in a way that Henry Ford would have been proud.
JOEY: Anyone else you plan on knocking up Chandler?
RACHEL: I suppose now would be a bad time to tell you guys that at my scan yesterday they told me that I am expecting twins?
Chandler collapses on the floor.