The One With The Cracker Jack - Part 2

Fanfic by: Laura Barnett

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Apartment. Joey is in one of the chairs.]

Joey: Hey! Last time, Ross wants to start dating Rachel again. But she doesn't want to. What else is new? Oh, Chandler and Monica were having a little miscommunication. Chandler first thought that Monica wanted to break up with him. Monica actually just wants to let the cat out of the bag. I really didn't help matters out. Chandler now thinks that Monica wants to get married. Chandler decided to take Monica out for a very special dinner. Ross, Rachel and Phoebe happened to catch him as he was picking up Monica for their date. Chandler wasn't quite ready to announce their relationship so I told everyone that they were going on a double date which they seemed to buy. But then, Rachel went to ask Danny if he sent her the flowers. And Danny, who hardly knows us, suggested to Rachel that Chandler sent Monica the flowers.


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. The apartment is dark. Monica peeks in the apartment. Rachel is lying on the couch, out of sight. Monica enters followed by Chandler. Chandler closes the door quietly. Chandler and Monica kiss. Monica pulls away.]

Monica: Rachel's home. (BEAT) Thanks for dinner tonight. It was really nice. Kinda weird but nice.

Chandler: I know. Dinner, dancing. It's like we're really a couple. I mean.

Monica: It's all right. I know what you mean.

(Monica hugs him and then kisses him.)

Chandler: I hate this. (BEAT) Uh, I don't hate this. (Gesturing to Monica and himself) I hate having to leave.

Monica: Well, maybe it's time we told everyone.

Chandler: Well, it's 3 am. Ross might take it better at 10am and you know how Rachel needs her beauty sleep.

(Rachel sits up on the couch.)

Rachel: Rachel already knows although she's having a hard time understanding the part about Chandler being the best sex Monica's ever had.

(Monica and Chandler jump. Monica turns on the light. Rachel shields her eyes.)

Chandler: See, she does need her beauty sleep. Okay, well, I'm gonna go then. (Nervously.)

Monica: You know? (She grabs a hold of Chandler's arm before he can exit.)

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: You're not mad, are you?

Rachel: (Yawn) Maybe just a little because you didn't tell me. I'll get over it.

(Rachel gets up off the couch and heads towards her room.)

Monica: How did you know?

Rachel: The flowers... (Yawn) The flowers were for you from Chandler. Joey has the card. (Yawn) He was going commando. (BEAT) Don't ask.

Monica: (To Chandler) The flowers were for me from you?

Chandler: Yeah.

(Monica kisses him.)

Rachel: Okay, just because I know, doesn't mean I want to see it live.

(Monica gives Rachel a sheepish grin.)

Chandler: Mental note. Flowers are good. (He picks up Monica) Excuse us.

(Chandler carries Monica into her room and closes the door. Rachel exits to her room.)


[Scene: Monica's bedroom. Chandler and Monica are under the covers. Chandler is holding the pillow tightly over his face. Monica looks like she's in shock.]

Chandler: (Muffled through the pillow) OH - MY- GOD!

(Monica looks as though she wants to say something but is speechless. Chandler sits up. He puts the pillow on his lap and covers his face with his hands. He is rustling in the bed, putting on his clothes. He gets up and puts his shirt on.)

Chandler: Oh my God.

Monica: Uh, I don't know what to say.

Chandler: I, uh, have to go. I'm sorry.

(He starts to put his socks on.)


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. It's morning. Phoebe and Joey are seated next to each other at the table eating breakfast. Ross and Rachel are in the kitchen. Ross picks up a piece of burnt toast. He starts scraping the black off into the sink.] 

Ross: So Monica's still sleeping? That must have been some date.

(Joey chuckles. Rachel suddenly looks worried.)

Rachel: Ah, hey. Why don't we all go out for coffee? My coffee sucks! And I burned the toast. Let's go! Bagels and real coffee.

Ross: I like your coffee, Rachel. Besides, I'm not done with my toast.

Joey: No, Rachel's right. Her coffee sucks.

Rachel: Thanks Joey.

Joey: (Winks at Rachel.) You're welcome.

(Ross has his back to the living room area while putting butter and jelly on his toast. Chandler walks out of Monica's bedroom. In the clothes he had on last night and stops cold when he sees everyone. A deer in the headlights. Ross goes to turn around. Rachel reacts quickly and grabs Ross and starts kissing him passionately. He's startled but then gets into it. Rachel turns so that Ross is facing the other way. Joey starts kissing Phoebe. She is not getting into it. Chandler walks quickly and quietly out of the apartment. Rachel stops kissing Ross.)

Ross: Wow! What was that?

Rachel: I'm, uh, just happy to see you?

Ross: I'm happy to see you too. I'm happy, you're happy to see me.

(In the meantime, Joey is still kissing Phoebe. Phoebe finally pushes him away.)

Phoebe: Hey! I already knew!

Joey: (Sheepishly) Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Ross: Knew what?

Phoebe: That Ch...

(Joey cuts it off with another kiss. Phoebe pushes him away.)

Phoebe: All right.

Ross: You knew what?

Phoebe: That Rachel wants to get back together with you.

Joey: (Quietly to Phoebe) You're evil.

Phoebe: That happens when I get the air sucked right out of me. Depletes the oxygen going to the brain.

Ross: (To Rachel) You want to get back together?!

(Ross hugs Rachel. Rachel gives Phoebe a withering look.)

Phoebe: Oh, y'know, I need to go. to do. something. C'mon Joey.

(Joey and Phoebe get up and exit.)

Ross: I know I've been a jerk. I'm sorry.

Rachel: I'm afraid...

Ross: I'm afraid too. But that was some kiss.

Rachel: Ross, I'm sorry. I lost my head. You looked, sexy spreading that jelly.

Ross: I did?

Rachel: Yeah, you did. (BEAT) But look, I'm sorry. I'm just not sure I can go through this again.

Ross: What if we try to forget everything that's happened?

Rachel: Ross, not yet. We've said and done a lot of things to hurt each other, sometimes even on purpose. Can we concentrate on being really good friends first?

Ross: Okay. (Disappointed.)

Rachel: Thanks.

Ross: Hi, I'm Ross Gellar.

Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel Green.

Ross: I know this really great coffee place. It's the kind of place friends can hang out and talk. Maybe, I'll see you there sometime?

Rachel: Yeah, I'll be there.


[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting in the recliners. Chandler looks miserable.]

Joey: How bad could it be?

Chandler: My worst nightmare.

Joey: The little general couldn't stand at attention?

Chandler: No, that's your worst nightmare. This is much worse.

Joey: What could be worse than that?

Chandler: We were in the middle of ...y'know, and I was thinking about other stuff because... well, y'know and...

Joey: Don't tell me you said someone else's name. You didn't say Janice's name, did you?!

Chandler: No, worse.

Joey: Kathy's?

Chandler: No! (BEAT) I was thinking about what a great time we had last night, and then I was thinking about the fact that we were really this couple. And then one thing kind of led to another and suddenly I was picturing us at Ross' wedding, but it wasn't Ross' wedding. It was our wedding.

Joey: And? (No response from Chandler.) And then the little general couldn't stand at attention?

Chandler: No. And then I blurted out in the middle of sex, 'Will you marry me?'

Joey: (Jumps up) Did not!

Chandler: Oh, but I did! (Chandler covers his eyes.)

(Joey has a look of disgust on his face.)

Joey: Thanks. You just gave me a new worst nightmare!

Chandler: What am I going to do?

Joey: Well, how did... What did she say?

Chandler: She was pretty much in shock I think. She didn't know what to say.

Joey: Did you mean it?

(Chandler takes a moment to formulate an answer.)

Chandler: Yeah, I guess I did. (BEAT) I just had this feeling that everything was coming together when I pictured us getting married.

Joey: Are your sure that's what you were feeling? I mean, you were having sex and you really weren't concentrating on the task at hand. (Chandler gives him a look.) Okay, well at least she didn't say yes.

Chandler: Oh and that's supposed to make me feel better.

Joey: If she said yes, then you two would be engaged and that brings up two problems. Well, actually three if you count Ross.

Chandler: What other two problems?

Joey: (In a fake, almost Rachel voice) Oh, let me see the ring. And, how did he propose?

Chandler: Could this be any worse?

Joey: Oh man, it's definitely time for Plan Cracker Jack.


[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there talking and sipping coffee, except for Chandler. Chandler enters.]

Ross: Hey Chandler! How was the date last night? You didn't do anything I wouldn't do, did you?

(Chandler smiles weakly.)

Chandler:  Uh... Hey, Monica, could I talk to you for a minute in private?

(Monica goes to get up.)

Ross: Wait! She won't talk. What's this guy like?

Chandler: Huh?

Ross: The double date. Is he good enough for my sister?

(Joey starts chuckling. Monica and Chandler both give him a sharp look. He immediately stops.)

Chandler: Well, I don't know. She probably deserves better.

Phoebe: C'mon Chandler. Tell us all about him.

Rachel: (To Phoebe) What's got into you lately?

Phoebe: I know it's like I'm my evil twin.

Joey: Ursula, is that you?

Phoebe: No, it's like I'm my evil twin.

(Ross looks confused. Chandler looks extremely uncomfortable.)

Chandler: Well...

Ross: Wait, wait! Let's take some bets first. Ten dollars says he's a carbon copy of Richard!

Joey: I'll take that bet, but let's make it a hundred!

Rachel: Guys! Cut it out.

Ross: Okay. Is he married?

Monica: No he's not married. (Monica smiles.)

Ross: Divorced. Never mind, that's not important.

Phoebe: So Chandler, what's the love machine like?

(Joey laughs. Chandler looks like he wants to die.)

Rachel: Pheebs!

Ross: Yeah, what's Monica's love muffin like?

(Joey and Rachel laugh this time. Monica gives both of them the death stare.)

Joey and Rachel: Sorry.

Monica: Ross...

Chandler: I'm the guy. There I said it.

(Ross starts laughing now. The others are not.)

Ross: Good one Chandler. (BEAT) How come no one else is laughing? It's funny.

Chandler: I'm the guy Monica's been seeing.

Ross: Yeah, I know. You live across the hall. She sees you all the time. Joey too. Ha, ha.

Joey: Oh no. Not me!

Rachel: Ross, Chandler is the guy.

Ross: No, Chandler isn't the guy. The guy can't keep his hands off my sister.

Phoebe: Not just his hands.

Ross: Okay. So now that we've determined that it is not Chandler. Tell us about this guy.

Monica: I can tell you I love him.

Joey, Phoebe and Rachel: Awww.

Ross: Really? Because the way you were sneaking around with this guy, I thought it might only be a fling.

Monica: No, it's more than a fling. It's actually gotten pretty serious.

Ross: Then why keep it a secret?

Phoebe: Duh, because it's Chandler and you'll get all freaked out.

Ross: Would you stop it with that already? It's not Chandler, duh.

Joey: Duh, back to you.

Chandler: Ross, it's me. Look at me. I'm dead serious.

Ross: (Incredulous) You've been doing my sister behind my back?

Phoebe: Well, I don't think they'd want to do it in front of you. (The others give her a look.) Okay, I'll stop.

Ross: My best friend can't be the guy who's been taking the free ride on the Monica express.

Monica: Excuse me!

Phoebe: Ow, ow, ow! I didn't see that one coming.

Chandler: (Angrily) Ross, this isn't just about great sex! (BEAT) I mean, I love your sister.

Joey, Phoebe and Rachel: Awwww.

Chandler: So I guess the question is, do I have your blessing?

Ross: What? To keep .... with her? No. You do not have my blessing. She does deserve better than you.

Joey: I think what Ross is trying to say is that he never pictured you and Monica as crabs.

(Chandler storms out. Monica gets up.)

Phoebe: Lobsters, Joey, lobsters!

Monica: You! (Pointing to Ross) Later, you and me. I'm gonna kick you're little caboose!

(Monica exits.)



[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel is looking through a catalog. Phoebe is the table shuffling cards. Joey enters with some beer and some cigars.]

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe and Rachel: Hey.

Rachel: So what did you bring us?

Joey: Beer and cigars.

(Rachel gives him a look.)

Joey: Aw, c'mon. It's not poker if there are no cigars, (BEAT) unless of course it's strip poker.

Phoebe: Oh, I'll take one. What? A little air freshener and Monica will never know.

(Joey smiles and goes to hand one to Phoebe. Rachel gets up off the couch and joins them at the table. Ross enters.)

Ross: Hey. (No one responds.) Hey. (No response.) All right! I'm sorry. Maybe I overreacted. This is just going to take some getting used to. My sister, my best friend....

Phoebe: Y'know what Ross? I'm only going to say this once, so listen up! This is not about you! Monica and Chandler did not go out of their way to hurt you. Chandler's a great guy. You should feel lucky your sister found such a great guy.

Ross: But...

Phoebe: This is definitely lemonade. Now sit down, shut up and cut the deck.

Ross: I... Okay.

Phoebe: Do you want a cigar?

Ross: Okay.

(Ross sits down next to Rachel and sulks. Joey and Rachel are stunned for a moment.)

Joey: Oh, wait. Where's the Cracker Jack?

(Phoebe pulls out a few boxes of Cracker Jack and passes them around.)


[Scene: Movie Theater. Chandler and Monica sit down. The movie hasn't started yet.]

Chandler: About last night...

Monica: I wondered when we were going to talk about that.

Chandler: Oh, here, before I forget. (He hands her a box of Cracker Jack.)

Monica: Thanks. Aren't you sweet smuggling in some Cracker Jack for me.

Chandler: It's amazing, isn't it? I'm actually turning into a world class boyfriend.

Monica: (Slightly disappointed.) Yeah, you are. (BEAT) You know, we could still sneak into that Bruce Willis movie if you want.

Chandler: No, no. Just eat your Cracker Jack.

Monica: You wanted to talk about last night? (Uncomfortably)

Chandler: Hmm, after you have some more of your Cracker Jack.

(Monica looks confused, but then digs in. The lights dim and Chandler suddenly looks a little panicked. Previews begin.)

Chandler: Monica, I'm sorry about last night. I...

Movie Patron: Shhhh!

Chandler: (He turns to the Movie Patron) It's just the preview for the new Star Wars movie. How many times do you have to see it? (He turns back to Monica.) As I was saying,...

(A couple starts coming down the row. They are making their way to seats on the other side of Monica and Chandler. Chandler and Monica have to stand up so they can pass by. Monica spills her Cracker Jack.)

Monica: Oh!

Chandler: Oh - my - God! Don't move.

Movie Patron: Sit down!

(Monica sits down. Chandler is kneeling on the floor. He is feeling around for something on the floor.)

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: Oh God! Ugh!

(Chandler pulls up his hand, napkins are stuck to it.)

Movie Patron: Shut up!

Monica: Chandler, get up here!

(Instead, Chandler lays down on the floor. We hear the sound of pop and ice spilling.)

Chandler: No!

Monica: Get up!

(Chandler struggles to get up from between the seats, but can't in time. The movie patron gets up and leaves. Chandler stands up. His hair and clothes a soaked, and he has candy wrappers, napkins and popcorn stuck to him. Monica tries not to laugh. Chandler ignores her and makes his way to the aisle. The movie patron and the usher come in.)

Usher: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

(Monica pretends she doesn't know Chandler.)

Chandler: No, no, no! We can't leave without her toy surprise.

Monica: I have it already. (BEAT) What's the big woop? There just tattoos.

(Chandler looks defeated. The usher escorts Monica and Chandler out of the theater.)


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Everyone but Chandler and Monica are there. They are all still playing cards. Ross looks miserable. Joey is gets a card and makes "Hey! Look at that face."]

Ross: Okay, none of you finds this... this...

Joey: Weird?

Ross: Not quite the word I was going for, but it'll do.

Joey: Well, yeah it's weird. Try being in the next room sometime. (Joey nods knowingly.)

(Ross covers his ears.)

Ross: La, la, la, la, la. Too much information. (Singing)

Rachel: Okay, Joey, you're not helping.

(Rachel takes Ross' hands from his ears.)

Rachel: Ross, you love your sister?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: Do you love Chandler?

Ross: Nooooo.

Rachel: In a "He's my best friend" kind of way?

Ross: (Reluctantly) Not so much right now.

Phoebe: Oh, hey! Look at this!

Joey: Oh no!

Rachel: What?

Joey: Let me see that.

Phoebe: No. I gave you all of my tattoos. I get the ring.

Joey: No, no, no!

Ross: What's the matter Joey?

(Phoebe puts the ring on her finger and she flashes it to Rachel.)

Rachel: That looks so real.

Phoebe: Joey, will you be mine?

Joey: No, no, no.

Phoebe: Okay, I got the point, one no will do. (BEAT) So, um, Ross would you be mine?

Ross: Sure Pheebs. Third time's the charm, right?

(Rachel laughs. Ross kneels in front of Phoebe and takes her hand. Joey looks like he's about to have a nervous breakdown.)

Joey: Give me the ring, Pheebs.

Ross: Wait a minute, Joey. (BEAT) Phoebe Buffay will you marry me? (BEAT) Oh my God. That's not a toy!

(Ross quickly drops Phoebe's hand and hops back on the couch.)

Rachel: Joey? What is this?

Joey: Plan Cracker Jack! Except Monica was supposed to get that box.

Rachel: Monica?

(Phoebe quickly takes off the ring and hands it to Joey.)

Phoebe: Bad karma, bad karma.

Ross: The ring is for Monica?

Joey: Yeah. (Defeated.) Chandler was going to propose tonight.

Ross: Chandler wants to marry my sister? (Softly)

Joey: Well, yeah. (Gives Ross an uh, duh look.)

Ross: Pheebs! Give me that Cracker Jack Box! (Phoebe hands him the box.) Rachel, get me some tape.

(Rachel goes to the kitchen and gets tape from one of the drawers.)


[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Apartment. It is dark. Chandler and Monica enter. Chandler closes the door and turns on the light. He still has some popcorn and candy wrappers stuck to him. He looks beat until he sees the lone box of Cracker Jack on the counter. He grabs it quickly and inspects the box.]

Monica: Hey, are you going to talk? (BEAT) I don't know if I like mute Chandler.

Chandler: Yes! Yes! (BEAT) Come with me!

(He opens the door and grabs her arm and pulls her out of the apartment.)

Monica (O.S.): Like I have a choice!


[Scene: Hallway Between the Apartments. Seconds later. We hear footsteps running up the stairs. The door to Monica and Rachel's Apartment opens. Rachel peeks out. She steps out into the hallway and motions to the others. Ross, Phoebe and Joey enter the hallway. They quietly walk up the stairs.]


[Scene: On the Rooftop. Monica and Chandler walk out from the stairs onto the roof. The moon is out and the lights of the city light up the sky.]

Monica: Chandler, about last night...

(Chandler hands Monica the box of Cracker Jack.)

Monica: I don't want anymore Cracker Jack. I want to talk about last night.

Chandler: Monica, please don't make this any harder than it's already been. (BEAT) Open the box.

(Monica looks at Chandler and goes to open the box. She starts trembling and can't. Chandler takes the box and opens it and gives it back to her. She looks in the box and gasps. She takes the ring out of the box and drops the box. Chandler panics briefly until he sees she's holding the ring.)

Chandler: Monica, will you marry me?

Monica: Yes! (Monica starts crying. He takes the ring and puts it on her finger.)

Chandler: This baby never comes off, okay?

(Monica nods and Chandler wipes the tears running down her cheeks.)

Monica: Well, this is a first for you. (BEAT) First time, you were ever glad you made a woman cry.

(Chandler laughs and embraces her.)

Chandler: This is the story you're going to tell everyone, right?

Monica: Yeah, definitely.

(Monica and Chandler break apart. Monica now has popcorn and wrappers stuck to her. Chandler picks some of the food and wrappers off Monica and then himself. He laughs.)

Chandler: This is going to give you nightmares though, isn't it?

(Holds up a couple of sticky wrappers. Monica laughs. Rachel, Phoebe, Joey and Ross fall out from behind the rooftop door. Rachel gets up and runs to Monica. Rachel is also crying. Monica and Rachel, yell and jump around. Phoebe comes over and does the same. Ross walks over towards Chandler. Chandler tries to back away but before he can Ross, grabs him in a bear hug. Joey gives Chandler a thumbs up sign.)


[Scene: Rooftop. Moments later. Everyone is there. Joey walks over to the door. He pulls on it. It doesn't open. He turns the knob anxiously and pulls, nothing happens. He turns the knob and pushes the door and hits his head.]

Joey: Guys? I think we have a slight problem. The doors locked.

Rachel: You were supposed to watch the door.

Joey: No, no. Not me.

Ross: Here, maybe it's just stuck a little.

(Ross walks over to the door. Rachel follows them.)

Joey: Oh, it's definitely stuck -- a lot.

(Ross pulls the door, but it won't open.)

Ross: But the knob turns! Joey, c'mon.

(Ross and Joey try to open the door together.)

Phoebe: Oh my God! Where did Monica and Chandler go?

(Ross, Joey and Rachel turned around stunned.)

Phoebe: Oh no! They must have... they must have.... (Panic and fear is written on the faces of Joey, Rachel and Ross.) taken the fire escape down.

Ross, Rachel and Joey: Pheebs!

Phoebe: Okay, gotcha!


Go To Part 1