The One After London (#1): The One Where Joey Loses "It"
by: Ariel

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fanfic takes place right after season 4, i.e. Ross' infamous wedding in London. It is the first chapter of my trilogy about what happened after Ross said Rachel in the season finale in season 4.
I'd love to receive feedback so please drop me a line at ! Thanks!

DISCLAIMER: These characters do not belong to me. I'm just writing this for fun!

[Scene: The chapel right after Ross said those infamous words "take thee, Rachel")

VICAR: Uh, shall I go on??

EMILY (still shocked): Oh my god.

JOEY (still talking with Phoebe on the cellular phone): Hey, Pheebs, did you hear that?

(Cut to Phoebe sitting on the couch in Monica and Rachel's apartment.)

PHOEBE: Ouch, that's got to hurt! So Joey, what's happening now?

JOEY (whispering to Phoebe and looking around like a spy): Well, Emily's pretty upset.

(Cut to Ross and Emily at the altar.)

ROSS (reassuringly): Emily, I do want to marry you, really, I do!! My tongue just went nuts, that's all!

EMILY (smiles, but Ross doesn't see that it's fake): Oh, I see. Never mind. That explains the whole thing.

ROSS (happily): Oh, that's my girl, that's why I love you! You're just the most understanding person I've ever met!

(Cut to Rachel, who's on the verge of tears.)

RACHEL (mumbling): Oh, no, what have I done?


[Scene: Continued from earlier.]

(Cut to Ross who's smiling.)

ROSS: 'Cause I love you so much, Emily!

EMILY (suddenly furious): Yeah right. Why did you say that gadabout's name then? And, by the way, I hate you and your tongue, and I agreed to marry you just to get back at Colin, my ex, who's having an affair with some Felicity-person.

(She grabs her bouquet and hits Ross in the head with it. He's flabbergasted and has flowers in his hair and several rose-petals in his mouth. Needless to say, he looks ridiculous.)

(Emily storms out.)

PHOEBE (on the phone): Now what?

JOEY: Well, Emily ran off. (BEAT) Hey, wait, did she say Felicity??

(Cut to Ross. He's very depressed.)

ROSS: Oh, what have I done?

CHANDLER: Well, it seems to me that you're returning to the hippie era. (To the guests.) So, any of you guys go to want to return to Woodstock? Ross certainly has the flower-power we need!

(Nobody laughs.)

CHANDLER (frustrated and humiliated): Oh, come on, you people, we helped you during the war!!

(Cut to the British guests. They seem to be pretty angry by now.)

CHANDLER: Okay, I understand you. (Runs out of the church.)

[Scene: The reception. Jack and Judy are talking together.]

JACK: I know what's going on here! Really, I do!

JUDY: What?

JACK: Don't you see? It's a conspiracy! A conspiracy against us, the Americans! Emily's parents probably planned the whole thing, and Ross is in on it! He probably got a damn wine cellar for it! These people tricked us to pay for the wedding, but what they really needed was a new house!

JUDY: Oh, come on, Jack. You're talking nonsense. And that wouldn't have crossed Ross' mind at all.

(Monica walks up to them without them noticing.)

JUDY:  Our poor little Harmonica on the other hand. (Rolls her eyes.) She's so desperate to get a boyfriend or a husband by now that she'd probably do it.

MONICA (crying): Mom!! How can you say such a thing? Am I really that bad? And what do you know about my love-life anyway?

JUDY (consoling): There, there, Monica. I do know that your so-called "love-life" hasn't existed since you split up with Richard and that Pete guy.

(Monica runs away, crying.)

[Scene: The hall. Some guests are standing there chatting. Chandler's there, and he's sipping a cocktail. He looks very depressed. Monica comes running.]

MONICA (sobbing and out of breath):Thank God, you're here. I need to talk to you.

CHANDLER (sees her state): My god, Mon, what's the matter?

MONICA (sobbing): I just can't take it anymore. My mother! She almost blamed me for this fiasco.

(Chandler puts his arms around her and kisses her gently on the head.)

CHANDLER: Well, I hate this day, too. Nobody laughs at my jokes anymore. Please tell me, have I lost it completely?

MONICA (dries away her tears and grins at him): Well, if you've lost that comedy-thing of yours, then you've certainly gained something else, something I discovered last night! (nudges him)

CHANDLER (grins): Thanks, I really needed that! So, you wanna get some more of my newly acquired talent?

MONICA: Sure, why not? I mean, it's not like they're going to throw the bouquet or anything..

CHANDLER (sarcastically): No, Emily already did that. (BEAT) At Ross.

MONICA (grabs his arm): Come on, let's go.

(They run off)

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom. Chandler and Monica are cuddling together on the bed.]

CHANDLER: Well, you know what? This just keeps getting better!

MONICA (grins): I know. (BEAT) But what are we going to do about this whole thing when we get back to New York? You know, the other guys will freak out about it.. Just look at Ross and Rachel! We all got involved in their problems and all that mess.

CHANDLER: OK, but (BEAT) shut up, Mon! Haven't you heard of "Carpe Diem"?

MONICA: Well, er, I remember having heard of the phrase, but.. hey, wait! It's that new fish course Martha Stewart made, right? It was the only show I didn't get to tape. (Glares at Chandler.) You and Joey stole it to tape Yasmine Bleeth doing aerobics while she was giving CPR to a homeless man..

CHANDLER: Yeah, but that proves how talented she actually is..

(Monica throws her hands back in disgust.)

CHANDLER: OK, point taken. (BEAT) Well, what I intended to say was that it is not a fish course. It means..

MONICA (interrupting): Oh, I know, computer processing?

CHANDLER (slightly frustrated): Noooo... It means "seize the day" in Latin, and I think we should do exactly that. But I agree with you on that it will be very difficult to continue this back home..  Maybe we should call it our European fling or something.. But let's do it here in London, thousands of miles away from home. On the other hand, what else is there to do in London anyway?

MONICA: Well, there is Madame Tussaud's..

(He gazes into her eyes and leans over and kisses her, gently at first and then with building passion. After a couple of seconds they break apart)

MONICA (out of breath): ..but who cares about seeing Michael Jackson in wax anyway? The difference between the doll and the real thing is kind of a blur anyway..

(Chandler grins at her, and they dive under the covers.)

[Scene: The next morning. Monica's bedroom. Ross is lying on the bed staring at the ceiling. Joey enters looking very upset.]

JOEY: Ross, you've got to help me! I'm so confused, and I have some trouble involving a girl..

ROSS (glaring at Joey): You don't say! (Angrily) Well, I guess I'm the man to tell you about those things!

JOEY: Geez, calm down! So I see you want to be left alone again? What's the matter? Isn't the wedding night supposed to be the greatest night of them all?

ROSS (angrily): I screwed up my wedding, remember?

JOEY: Oh, sure I remember, but there are hundreds of, you know, strip clubs out there..

ROSS: Joey!!

JOEY: Okay. But I enjoyed the clubs!

(Rachel comes running into the room.)

RACHEL (shouting): Monica? Are you here?

(Sees Joey.)

RACHEL: Oh, hi Joey, you've got to help me. I need to talk to you.

(Sees Ross. Stops.)

RACHEL: Oh, hi.. You know, I need to talk to you too..

JOEY: OK, good. I'll be going now. I need to check out this whole Felicity-thing. (exits)

ROSS: Well, Rachel, I want to thank you for coming to my wedding..(BEAT) that didn't turn out to be a wedding after all..

RACHEL (beams): You're welcome! Oh, honey, I love you so much..

ROSS (interrupting): No! Rachel, let me get this out, OK?  I know that what I said sounded really weird and all, but it didn't mean anything.. You're one of my best friends, if not the best, but I love Emily! She was going to be my wife!

RACHEL (interjecting): But what about us??

ROSS: I don't think I can be together with you anymore, because there are just too many obstacles in the way, you know?

RACHEL (on the verge of tears, furiously): Yeah, like certain girls working at Xerox!

ROSS: Rachel, I..

RACHEL: No, Ross. I came here to see you get married to that British (BEAT) ..whatever.. and what do I get? You're almost angry with me! Let me see.. who said the wrong name in the church.. (points at Ross) That would be you!

(Ross tries to say something, but Rachel slaps him.)

RACHEL: Damn you, Ross. I hate you! (storms out)

(Cut to the hotel corridor. Monica and Chandler are walking and holding hands. They walk around a corner, and suddenly Rachel comes running towards them. She crashes into Chandler and knocks him over.)


RACHEL (sobbing): Oh, I'm sorry, Chandler..

MONICA (to Rachel): Oh, honey, what's the matter?

CHANDLER (thinking Monica was asking him): Well, my back hurts..

MONICA (whispering, to Chandler): Oh, honey.. er.. Chandler, not you, Rachel!

MONICA (to Rachel): So, what's up?

RACHEL (crying): He hates me!! He doesn't want to get.. (sniffles)

MONICA (consoling): He doesn't want to get back together with you? Is that it? Do you love him, Rachel?

RACHEL: Yes, I guess I still love him.. And I guess I thought we'd get married and grow old together..

(Cut to around the corner. Ross is approaching them, but he stops to hear what she's saying.)

(Cut to Rachel again.)

RACHEL: OK, that's a clichi.. but I pictured the whole thing; a small house.. white picket fence.. Ross studying some old bones he'd dug up in the backyard..

(Monica and Chandler look at each other.)

RACHEL: ..and I'd go shopping at Bloomingdales or Macy's and buy him a set of artificial teeth.. If I'd still have my discount, that is..

(Chandler tries not to laugh. Monica makes a face at him.)

MONICA: Oh, Rach, I'm so sorry..

(Cut to Ross who's looking surprised and sad.)

ROSS (whispering): Rachel.. Oh, no..

(Cut to Monica, Rachel and Chandler.)

RACHEL(calmly): No, Mon, it's OK, (furious again) but I need to get out of this place right now!!

(Cut to Ross. He's very sad and walks away quickly.)

MONICA: OK. You want to get out of here.. er.. Why don't we go to a pub?

RACHEL: No, I mean out of this city. Out of this country. I want to go home immediately.

MONICA (hesitatingly): But our plane leaves in three days! We can't reschedule that!

RACHEL (interjecting): Oh, yes, we can! Or at least, I can. 'Cause I'm going home right now, and if that doesn't fit into your perfect little schedule, then.. You can do whatever you want, I don't care.. (starts sobbing again)

MONICA (whispering to Chandler): What are we going to do?

CHANDLER (whispering to Monica): Isn't that obvious? Look at her!

(Monica gazes into Chandler's eyes, and finally nods. She goes over to Rachel.)

MONICA (softly): Don't worry, Rach. We'll go with you.

RACHEL (looks at Monica. Surprised): Wow, thanks Monica! And thanks to you, Chandler. You guys are the best! (She walks away.)

CHANDLER: Yeah, we're the best.. in bed..

(Monica laughs and kisses him. She walks away.)

[Scene: The hotel lobby later that evening. Monica is frantically looking through her suitcase checking that everything's there. Chandler is paying for their stay at the desk. Rachel is sitting next to Monica looking very depressed. Joey enters looking very upset. He runs over to Chandler.]

JOEY: Hey, what's up?

CHANDLER: We're leaving.

JOEY: You're going home to the land of the free and to the big and beautiful apple?!? Back home, to New York City, the city that's full of my friends and ex-girlfriends?

CHANDLER (glares at him): Yes. Are you going to join us, or are you just describing a typical Woody Allen movie?

JOEY: Oh, no way! I went to audition for him once, and I got kicked out when he found out I had flirted with his daughter or something.

CHANDLER: Was she named Soon-Yi?

JOEY: Yeah, so?

CHANDLER: Oh, never mind.. (BEAT) But what about Felicity?

JOEY: Oh, yeah. I need to talk to you about that.. Felicity, well, she's together with Colin, right? She told me to meet her at this pub, and then she told me that she'd compared me to Colin.. and.. and (starts whining) she said I wasn't good enough!!

(He says the last part pretty loud, and everybody in the lobby turns to stare at him.)

JOEY (tries to smile): How ya doin'

(Rachel starts to cry again. Joey freaks out.)

JOEY (hysterical, to Chandler): See? I've lost it! I'll never get a girlfriend again!

(Joey stops.. He gets a shocked expression on his face and points his finger at Chandler.)

JOEY: I'm turning into you!

CHANDLER (sarcastically): Oh, really? Seen any nipples lately?

MONICA (walks up to them): Hi Joey! Are you going home too?

JOEY: Yeah, let me go and get my bags. (Runs off.)

[Scene: The airport. Chandler, Rachel and Monica are waiting in a cafeteria.]

CHANDLER: So, did you tell Ross that we're leaving?

MONICA: Yeah. He's going to stay here, though. He's trying to find Emily.

CHANDLER: Meanwhile I still can't understand why we let Joey buy our new tickets.

(Joey runs up to them.)

JOEY: I've got the tickets! Four tickets for the flight that leaves for New York at 10 P.M.

MONICA: Great! (Stares sadly at Chandler for a second.) May I see them?

JOEY (hands her the tickets.): Sure!

(Monica starts to examine them.)

MONICA (shocked): OH NO! Joey, you idiot!  There are only TWO tickets here!

JOEY: What? But I said to the ticket agent.. er (grabs one of the tickets) Then I guess this is mine.

RACHEL (quickly grabs the other one): And I am going home tonight!

CHANDLER/MONICA: What about us? (Look at each other, then they grin slyly) Well..

CHANDLER: Well, we'll just do.. something.. er.. and go home later. Don't you think so too,  Monica?

MONICA (grins): Yeah..

RACHEL (starts crying again): No, Monica, I need you! You've got to come with us! Go and buy two tickets now!

MONICA (hesitatingly): O-o-okay. Chandler, can you come with me.. (Grabs his hand. They run off.)

JOEY (hopefully): So, do you think I've still got it?

(Rachel starts to cry even harder.)

JOEY (shocked): Oh my god! I am Chandler!!

[Scene: At the ticket desk at the airport. Chandler and Monica are waiting in line.]

CHANDLER: So, about us.. (kisses her)

MONICA: Yeah, I know, but don't you think it'll be too difficult to do this in New York? (kisses him)

CHANDLER: Well, I do think that people in New York are kissing each other as well. (BEAT) But I guess you're right. It'll be too hard, although this is not hard at all! (kisses her passionately)

MONICA (sadly): Our European fling..

(They reach the counter and continue making out.)

MONICA (in between the kisses): Two tickets for the flight to (mumbles) New York at 10 p.m., please.

TICKET AGENT: Pardon? Which destination? (Glances at the two of them kissing.)

TICKET AGENT (thinking): Oh, well, those guys are obviously on their honeymoon, and there are only two flights leaving at 10 p.m.: One bound for Paris and one for New York. And didn't she say Paris? I think so..

TICKET AGENT (hands Monica the tickets): Here you are.

MONICA (pays): Thanks.

(They leave, and they're holding hands.)

[Scene: The cafeteria at the airport. Rachel and Joey are looking for Chandler and Monica.]

JOEY: Where are those guys? (Glances at his watch.) We'd better get going to the gate.

RACHEL (hesitatingly): Yeah, they'll show up there.

JOEY: Perhaps they're there already!

[Scene: A huge hall at the airport. Chandler and Monica are running.]

MONICA: 25 minutes! Come on! The plane leaves in 25 minutes!

CHANDLER (slyly): I know, but (kisses her) don't you want to do something European first?

MONICA (grins): Sure!

(They head for the restrooms.)

(Time lapse.)

(Cut to the restroom-door.  Chandler and Monica hurry out the door. Their clothes are wrinkled, and they're pretty much out of breath.)

MONICA: Wow, I fancy this European stuff. (Glances at her watch.) OH MY GOD!! The plane leaves in 5 minutes!! (Starts running towards the gate with Chandler in tow.)

[Scene:  A gate. Joey and Rachel are standing next to the gate looking for Chandler and Monica.]

RACHEL: What's taking them so long?

JOEY: Maybe they're already on board the plane.

RACHEL: Yeah, they've got to be. Monica is never late.

JOEY: Right. Let's go.

(They board the plane.)

[Scene: Another gate. Monica and Chandler come running. They're carrying their bags.]

MONICA: OK. The gate-number is A47. (Sees it.) There it is!!

(They run over to the gate and throw their tickets to the gate agent.)


GATE AGENT: OK. You're lucky. We just announced our last call for this flight to..

(Monica and Chandler have already boarded the plane.)

GATE AGENT: ..Paris. (To another gate agent) Oh, didn't they look like two cute lovebirds? (Giggles and closes the gate.)

GATE AGENT #2 (shaking his head): No, it looked like they were having one of those European flings.


[Scene: On board the plane bound for New York. Rachel and Joey are sitting next to each other looking for Chandler and Monica.]

RACHEL: I don't understand this! Where are they?

JOEY (points at a button on the seat's elbow rest.): What's this for, Rachel?

RACHEL: Oh, you can push it if you want anything from the air hostesses.

(She sees his excited face and realises what she has said.)


(Joey pushes the button and an air hostess comes up to them. )

JOEY (To Rachel.): I've got to find out whether if  I've still got it, Rach! (To the air hostess.) How ya doin'?

AIR HOSTESS (just looks at him): Excuse me, Sir, but may I help you? Did you have a request? Otherwise I need to go and start serving the dinner.

JOEY (desperately): Oh, no!! I have lost it!!