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This script has nothing to do with "TOW They Shrunk Themselves", this one takes place somewhere in season 6. It's the first of a two-part remake of "Grease" that I wrote some while ago. Some of the songs (mostly the ones featured in part2) I had some difficulty with, so I'm not sure the lyrics are right everywhere... it's pretty hard to hear what they sing sometimes... Anyway, feedback would be nice... You can send it to me at radio_cities@hotmail.com
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[Opening Scene]
[SCENE: Monica’s. Chandler and Monica are cuddeling on the couch. Rachel sits with them. The others are seated in different places around the table]

RACH: You know what we should all do?

JOEY: [quips] Stage-Dive from the Eiffel tower?

RACH: We should watch “Grease”!

MNCA: Yawn!

RACH: Oh, come on, the movie’s cult!

[Monica reaches for the candy on the table]

MNCA: So is “Nothing New on the Western Front”, but you don’t make us watch THAT.

CHAN: Oh, come on honey, I think it could be fun.

PHOE: Wow, I didn’t know you liked musicals!

CHAN: On second thought I might be wrong.

ROSS: Oh, come on, let’s watch it!

JOEY: Yeah! I always wanted to be like Danny, when he dances on the car!

MNCA: Yeah, well it’s allot less fun when you got compared to Jan your entire second year of High School. [mockingly singing, angry] Brusha, brusha, brusha. Get the new Ipana. With the brand new flavour. It’s fabby for your teeth!

CHAN: [thinks] Is that why you stared using the phrase “bite me”?

MNCA: [ticked] No, and you know what? Bite me!

[Opening Credits]

[SCENE: Later, they’re all watching the movie, exept for Monica who appears to be sleeping]

CHAN: [low] Monica’s asleep.

JOEY: I always wonder what people are dreaming when they fall asleep to a movie.

PHOE: [joking] Maybe she’s just dreaming about [singing, mocking] “oh-oh, oh those summer nights”.

CHAN: Nah. She’s probably not even dreaming at all…

[Close Up on Mon’s face as she drifts of. Fade to…]

[Dream Sequence]

[Monica is dreaming the whole following. She and Chandler, dressed in late 50’s clothes, are standing on a beach. A wave splashes in]

MNCA: [troubled] This has been the best summer of my life… and now I have to go back to Sweet Valley and… what if I never get to see you again! It isn’t right!

CHAN: Monnie, don’t say that.

MNCA: But it’s true!

CHAN: I know, I was just trying to look at things objectivly.

MNCA: Oh, Chandler are we through now?

CHAN: Of course not… of course we’re gonna see each other again… this is probably just the beginning…

[Another wave splashes in]

MNCA: [cries out] Ouch, jellyfish sting, oh it hurts, it hurts, it hurts!

[Cut to: A High School somewhere in New York]

[It’s the first day of school. The Blue Ladies (Phoebe, Rachel and Mindy) enter the school yard]

PHOE: Well here we are again… same old school. Nothing big ever happens… Ever!

MINDY: Yes but atleast now we’re seniors… Oldest students around, you know…

RACH: YES! Older rhymes with colder, my friends. And we’re gonna RULE the school!

[They walk past the T-Bones (Ross, Joey, Frank Jr and Barry), not noticing them. The camera stays with the guys, who are all in T-Bone outfits, just like the girls have their jackets. They also have really dorky hairdoes]

BARRY: Joey, what have you been up to all summer? Picking up chicks at the pizza place?

JOEY: And what’s that to you? What are you, my mother?

FRNK: Exactly, what are you, his mother?

BARRY: Just asking.

JOEY: Well, I haven’t just hung around like some other people I know… I’ve worked and earned cash.

BARRY: Right! YOU… WORKING! [chuckles]

FRANK: Precisly… YOU… WORKING! [chuckles]

JOEY: That’s right FREAK! I’ve been logging boxes at Seven/Eleven. Sometimes I even got to run earends.

ROSS: [sarcasm] Nice job.

JOEY: As I said I earned cash. Hey, check it out… ain’t that Chandler? And out finding chicks already!

BARRY: Hey! CHANDLER!

[Chandler spots them and walks over]

CHAN: Hey guys! What’s up?

JOEY: Hey! What have you been up to all summer… picking up chicks? Flirting with oldies?

CHAN: Well… I’ve hung out quite allot at Mountauk, you know, at the beach there.

BARRY: Yeah, I bet the “view” ain’t that bad over there, huh?

FRANK: Exactly… “view”…

BARRY: Tons of girls, just throwing themselfes at you, squeezing you like you’re a helpfull hand during a delivery, huh?

FRANK: Squeezing?

ROSS: [quippy] The only thing squeezing YOU is your mother. [chuckles]

FRANK: Don’t you talk bad about my mommy!

CHAN: Hey guys, chill.

JOEY: Yeah dudes, relax!

ROSS: Come on Chandler… How was the action down at the beach?

CHAN: So so… But there was one chick there, she was pretty cool.

BARRY: COOL? You mean she had big boobies? Was she willing?

CHAN: Forget it Barry, is that all you think about.

BARRY: Totally.

[The last Blue Lady (Janice) walks by in the background with Monica. The camera pans with them. Monica looks just like Sandy Oleson, only she’s a brunette]

JANICE: I know you’ll like it here. It’s a terrific school. Everything’s really great… Exept for the teachers and the lessons.

MNCA: Yes, but I loved it at Sweet Valley High… I had tons of friends, and I can’t help but wish I was there now.

[Cut to: The principal’s office]

[The principal (Ross’s boss Donald) and his assistaint (Chandler’s boss Dough) are there. Monica enters]

DOUGH: Can we help you?

MNCA: Yes, this is my first day here, and I don’t know where to go.

DGLS: Right, I forgot. Well, welcome to our High School, and fill out these forms.

MNCA: Do you have a pencil, please?

DOUGH: No… But I have the time for a date!

MNCA: [uncomfortable] Uhm, no thanks.

DOUGH: You sure?

[Monica nods]

DOUGH: [dissapointed] I can’t catch a break! [sighs] I’ll just go see if there’s any pencils in the faculty room.

[He leaves, and passes by the T-Bones in the hall]

ROSS: Man! All the teachers I’ve got these year have flunked me atleast once!

BARRY: So, what are you doing about it?

ROSS: I’m telling you, this year I’m gonna be cool!

CHAN: Yeah, so?

ROSS: The principal is gonna wish he never saw me!

CHAN: Speaking of, you’re late for class, and hear he comes.

[Ross yelps, and hides behind a locker. Donald passes by. The Scorpion gang (Mark, Joshua, the Bullies and Danny-the-Yeti) walk up]

MARK: So, big T-Bone guy’s afraid of the principal, huh?

ROSS: What? I’m not scared of a bloody thing! What are you talking about?

FRANK: He’s cool. Red Ross.

ROSS: And you’re quiet! [glares at Frank Jr]

DANNY: Oh yeah? And who was it who his behind the locker as soon as she showed up?

ROSS: [denial] Not me!

MARK: He’s being rude… Should we kick his ass all the way to New Gloukenshire?

DANNY: No, we’re late for home-ec.

JOEY: We should settle this once and for all with a car race someday.

MARK: Whatever. Bye, ladies.

[They walk away]

FRANK: So, who’s exited about the live-broadcast soon, huh?

[The T-Bone’s glare at him]

[Cut to: Central Perk]

[In this dream sequence Central Perk is the school cafeteria]

PHOE: [to Rachel] So, got a good look on Ross, earlier? Looking good this year, huh Rach?

RACH: That’s older than that shirt of yours. Ancient history.

MINDY: History repeats itself every now and then. Haven’t you ever read the lyrics for “Waterloo”? History likes repeating, and it does all the time, you know.

RACH: Yeah, well not in this case it doesn’t.

[Janice walks up with Monica in trail]

JANICE: Hey girls, say hello to Monica Geller from Sweet Valley. She’s new. Monnie, meet Phoebe, Rachel and Mindy.

RACH: So how sweet is Sweet Valley this time of year?

JANICE: [laughs, then firm] Knock it off! Hey Mindy, are those new glasses? I haven’t seen them before

MINDY: Yeah, don’t they make me look smarter?

RACH: Not as long as you can still see your face.

MINDY: How would you like some rice pudding in your bra?

PHOE: I don’t think you’d wanna do that, I don’t wanna hang out with her for the rest of the day if she smells!

MINDY: So Rachel, shut up!

MNCA: Anybody want my baloney? It smells kinda’ old.

PHOE: Well, duh! It’s meat!

MNCA: You don’t eat meat?

PHOE: No food that I ever could have given a name if I wanted to. And besides, I’m gonna be a beautician, and meat is bad for… [thinks] beauty. Besides, how would YOU feel if some stupid farmer comes up to you and wants to make hamburgers and sausage out of you?

[Alice comes walking up]

ALICE: Hi! [laughs]

RACH: [low, to Monica] Alice Knight, biggest geek on campus.

MNCA: [low] Isn’t she a bit… old to be in High school?

PHOE: [low] The only one who’s been here longer than Rachel.

[Rachel glares at Phoebe]

ALICE: Don’t you just love the first day of school? [laughs]

RACH: [sarcasm] Couldn’t live without it.

ALICE: Oh, a new girl! Hi, I’m Alice Knight, welcome! [shakes Monica’s hand] Guess who just got elected vice-president of students counsel? Me! Isn’t it the most? To say the least!

MINDY: Wow.

ALICE: Yes, isn’t this amazing? I think politics are a great line for me. I think I might pursue it!

MINDY: [sarcasm] Great.

JANICE: [low, to Blue Ladies] Hey, how do you all like Monnie?

PHOE: She looks like a terrific friend.

RACH: Yeah, kinda’ familiar… But so much thinner…

JANICE: Well, can she be a Blue Lady?

RACH: You have to have colour to be blue.

[Cut to: The stairwell to the apartments]

BARRY: [telling a story] So, after being dumped by Celia again I kinda got the feeling she’s not in to me.

FRANK: [chuckles] Even _I_ get babes easier than you, Barry.

CHAN: Yeah. You go ask Celia out.

FRANK: No…

BARRY: [trying to trick him] Come on, the girl wants you!

FRANK: Yeah, I’m just not comfortable with the whole “bug” thing.

JOEY: [mocking, like Rachel in the first season] Nwe, nwe, I love you Barr!

ROSS: Yeah, some chicks are WEIRD.

JOEY: While we’re on the subject, I wanna hear about the babe Chandler met this summer.

CHAN: Nothing to tell…

BARRY: Sure… How far did you go?

CHAN: Why should I tell you guys about her?

BARRY: ‘Cause we wanna hear. Were her boobies bigger than Annette’s?

ROSS: NO ONE’S boobies are bigger than Annette’s.

JOEY: [chuckles] Bing, the Boobie King…

[Cut to: Central Perk]

JANICE: By the way, saw the Chan-Man earlier. The guy still lusts for me. [laughs her laugh]

MINDY: NOBODY lusts for you.

JANICE: Give it a rest.

RACH: I don’t see either one of you with any guys.

JNCE: Knock it off!

PHOE: Yeah, can’t we discuss something interesting? What did you do this summer, Monnie? Or is it Monica?

MNCA: Oh, I spent most of it down at Montauk. I met a boy there. And he was cute too.

RACH: Take the buss all the way there every morning during the summer for some GUY?

MNCA: He was sort of special… [dreaming] It was really romantic…

RACH: [sarcasm] Sure it was.

[Quick Cut to: The stairwell]

[A certain song begins to play in the background]

FRANK: Come on, spill it! Was she cute, intelligent? How were her grades?

CHAN: Come on, you don’t wanna hear all the horny details!

[The guys press him up to the wall, threatening him with squirt guns]

CHAN: All right, I’ll tell you! [singing] Summerlovin’, had me a blast.

MNCA: [at C P, singing] Summerlovin’, happened so fast.

CHAN: [at the stairwell, singing] I met a girl, crazy for me!

[For the sake of convenience… The people never leave the “stages” they where in the past two scenes. The dancing and other choreography is a copy of the movie’s, only no people flock around the guys]

MNCA: [singing] Met a boy, cute as can be.

BOTH: [singing] Summer days, drifting away to, ah, oh the summer nights.

T-BONES: [singing] A wella-wella-wella-huh. Tell me more, tell me more.

JOEY: [singing] Did you get very far?

BLUELAD: [singing] Tell me more, tell me more.

MINDY: [singing] Like, does he have a car?

[Here follows that dudu-aha thing]

CHAN: [singing] She swam by me, she got a cramp.

MNCA: [singing] He went by me, got my suit damp.

CHAN: [singing] I saved her life, she nearly drowned.

MNCA: [singing] He showed off, splashing around.

BOTH: [singing] Summer sun, something’s begun, but oh, oh those summer nights.

T/BLUE: [singing] A wella-wella-wella-huh.

BLUE: [singing] Tell me more, tell me more.

PHOE: [singing] Was it love at first sight?

T-B: [singing] Tell me more, tell me more.

ROSS: [singing] Did she put up a fight?

[The guys sing aha, the girls da-dubidu, or something like that… really hard to tell]

CHAN: [singing] Took her bowling in the arcade.

MNCA: [singing] We went strolling, drank lemonade.

CHAN: [singing] We made out under the dock.

MNCA: [singing] We stayed up ‘till ten o’clock.

BOTH: [singing] Summer fling, don’t mean a thing, but oh, oh the summer nights.

T-B: [singing] Tell me more, tell me more.

BARRY: [singing] But you don’t got to brag.

BLUE: [singing] Tell me more, tell me more.

RACH: [bored] ‘Cause he sounds like a drag.

T/BLUE: [singing] Sho-dabopbop, sho-dabopbop- sho-dabopbop, sho-dabopbop, sho-dabopbop, sho-dabopbop, sho-dabopbop, yeah!

MNCA: [singing] He got friendly, holding my hand.

CHAN: [singing] Well, she got friendly down in the sand.

MNCA: [singing] He was sweet, just done nineteen!

CHAN: [singing] Well, she was good. You know what I mean.

BOTH: [singing] Summer heat. Boy and girl meet, but oh, oh those summer nights.

BLUE: [singing] Tell me more, tell me more.

JNCE: [singing] How much dough did he spend?

T-B: [singing] Tell me more, tell me more.

BARRY: [singing] Could she get me a friend?

[The music tunes down, a sad mood lays on the two groups at Central Perk and the stairwell]

MNCA: [singing] It turned colder, that’s where it ends.

CHAN: [singing] So I told her we’d still be friends.

MNCA: [singing] Then we made our true-love vow.

CHAN: [singing] Wonder what she’s doing now.

BOTH: [singing] Summer dreams, ripped at the seams. But, oh… Those summer nights!

T/BLUE: [singing] Tell me more. Tell me more, oh tell me more!

[In the end the picture cuts in two, showing both Monica and Chandler]

[Cut to: Central Perk]

[The song is ended. The Blue Ladies are on their way out]

PHOE: He seems pretty nice. You know, no hunger strikes and chalk eating…

RACH: True love and he didn’t lay his hands on you? Sounds like a faggot to me!

MNCA: Well, he wasn’t! I know for a fact that he’s straight, [dreamingly] I could feel it.

PHOE: [snorts “yeah, right”] That’s what everybody said about Carol Willick, and look at her now.

JANICE: Yeah, you never know. He could be bisexual too. [laughs]

MNCA: No way.

PHOE: Well, you know, sometimes men love women, sometimes men love men. And then there are bisexuals… [thinks, singing] But some just say they’re kidding themselves… Oh, I think I have a song written, guys! Isn’t it cool?

MINDY: I like the one about grandparents better.

PHOE: What was this guy’s name, Monnie?

MNCA: Chandler… Chandler Bing.

[The Blue Ladies cover their mouths not to laugh]

RACH: Who knows? Maybe Prince Charming will turn up again sometime… When you least expect it.

JANICE: [bitter] Yeah, like on a date.

[Cut to: The next week, Central Perk]

[The T-Bones can be spotted in the background. Monica’s at the couch. At the counter Coach Kathy sits with Pete Becker]

KATHY: It’s great to have people like you around, Pete… People who are willing to give it all!

PETE: I’m hoping this will help me fulfil my dream… I would really like to be the Ultimate Fighting Champion!

KATHY: I know, and that’s EXACTLY why I’m so glad you’re on the team!

PETE: With every right reason!

[Monica eyes Pete, flirty]

MNCA: [thoughts] What a guy…

[Pete notices her. He looks around to see whom it is she’s looking at. When he notices it’s him he straightens up]

PETE: [thoughts] I… I think she’s looking at me…

MNCA: [thoughts] He’s kinda’ cute.

PETE: [thoughts] Holy Boloney!

MNCA: [thoughts] Check out those shoulders!

JANICE: [comes up] Hey Monnie, we’ve got a surprise for you!

MNCA: What is it?

JNCE: Okay, wait. Where did Rach go?

[She pulls Monica to her feet. Monica notices Chandler]

RACH: Chandler, we have a surprise for you.

[She pushes him in Monica’s direction]

MNCA: [surprised] Chandler?

CHAN: [equally surprised] Monica? What are you doing here, I thought you’d gone back to Sweet Valley!

MNCA: [happy] We had a change of plans!

GUNTH: [at counter, sarcastic] Touchy.

[Chandler notices T-Bones staring at him. He goes back to his cool style]

CHAN: Cool, that’s cool baby.

MNCA: Ch… Chandler?

CHAN: Yeah, what?

MNCA: What’s the matter with you… What are you DOING?

CHAN: What’s the matter with me? What’s the matter with YOU?

MNCA: What ever happened to the Chandler Bing I met at Montauk?

CHAN: How should I know? Perhaps I’m cloned or something. Try checking through the yellow pages, babe.

MNCA: You animal!

[She runs out, composing sobs. Phoebe follows her]

PHOE: [consoling] Monica, it wasn’t THAT bad, was it?

MNCA: No, worse! He was so nice to me all summer!

PHOE: Okay, men are PIGS, okay? We should all have, like, a boyfriend bonfire or something someday! Oh, that reminds me! We’re having a sleepover at my place tonight. Why don’t you tag along?

MNCA: Okay… As long as I don’t have to burn anything.

[Cut to: Phoebe’s place]

[The Blue Ladies are gathered along with Monica. She’s on the floor next to Phoebe. Rachel and Mindy are on the bed. Janice is by the transistor]

JNCE: [singing to a jingle] Brusha, brusha, brusha. Get the new Ipana! With the brand new flavour. It’s fabby for your teeth! Brusha, brusha, brusha. You might--

[Monica looks extremely uncomfortable, and throws a stuffed animal at her]

RACH: Phoebs, gimme a smoke! I’m gonna smoke ‘till I croke.

MINDY: Yeah, one for me too while you’ve got the package out.

PHOE: And what about you, Monica, you want one?

MNCA: Oh, no thanks. I don’t smoke.

RACH: No? [sarcasm] Weird. Try. It won’t kill ‘ya!

PHOE: At least not the first two or three packages.

MINDY: Phoebe, give the girl a puff.

[Monica tries, and starts to couch]

JNCE: I think they forgot to tell you you shouldn’t inhale unless you’re used to it.

MNCA: [crouching] Yeah, maybe!

PHOE: You should try to not inhale the next time, like I do… No, wait, like I USED to do. Yeah, there’s a difference.

RACH: Okay, how about some alcohol to get the party going? Well, guess who’s got it?

JNCE: [grabs bottle] So now tell me, is this Italian vine imported or hitched? By the way, anybody wants a Twinkie?

MNDY: Twinkies to vine?

JNCE: It’s a DESSERT vine, okay?

RACH: Hey, Monnie didn’t get any vine.

MNCA: No, that’s okay.

RACH: What? I bet you’ve never had a drink before, have you? You know, alcohol and stuff.

MNCA: No, I had some at my brother’s wedding in London once. Champagne and some brandy.

RACH: Okay, then.

[She hands the bottle to Monica]

JNCE: You know, _I_ started drinking when I had this really dull boyfriend. If I didn’t drink then I couldn’t stand him.

[Monica drinks from the bottle, and looks grossed out]

PHOE: Hey Monica, want me to pierce your ear again? I’m gonna be a beautician!

MNCA: Now?

PHOE: Yeah!

RACH: What, you scared?

MNCA: No, but…

PHOE: Come on, in the bathroom… I don’t wanna get blood all over the carpet, I’m a vegetarian.

MINDY: Wanna use my virgin pin?

RACH: Nice to know it’s good for SOMETHING.

MNCA: I… think I’m gonna be sick! [runs to the bathroom]

PHOE: I think she didn’t like my idea very much. She looked kinda’ grossed out, maybe it’s the vine.

[Rachel tries on a dark wig]

RACH: That babe can make me puke! [turns, singing] Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee. Lousy with virginity. Won’t go to bed ‘till I’m legally wed. I can’t, I’m Sandra Dee. Watch it! Hey, I’m Doris Day. I was not brought up that way. Won’t come across even Rock Hudson lost. His heart to Doris Day. I don’t drink. Or swear. I don’t wrap my hair. I get ill from one cigarette. Keep your filthy paws from my silky drawers. Would you pull that crap with Annette? As for you, Troy Donahue. I know what you wanna do. You’ve got your crust, I’m no object of lust. I’m just plain Sandra Dee. Elvis? Elvis? Let me be! Keep that pelvis far from me! Just keep it cool, now you’re starting to drool. Hey. Van Gogh! I’m Sandra Dee!

[Monica opens the bathroom door]

MNCA: Are you making fun of me, Rach?

RACH: [shameful] No big deal, chill out.

[Commercial Break]

[SCENE: Outside. T-Bones come walking]

CHAN: You know what? I’ve changed my mind, let’s get the hell out of here.

BARRY: Why?

CHAN: [testy] What do you mean, “why”?

BARRY: No, nothing.

FRANK: As usual.

BARRY: Now you slipped again.

FRANK: Sorry.

[They look up to the window. Inside the girls flock around the window]

JNCE: Hey, it’s the manly-squad! [laughs]

JOEY: [down with the guys] Did you guys hear that?

ROSS: [quips] Okay, check this out, this is how you should do. [dramatic] Monnie! Where are you, my Monnie?

CHAN: [angry] Knock it off! Let’s beat it!

JOEY: Hey, check that out!

[Rachel is still starting to climb through the window]

MINDY: What is she gonna do, climb out the window?

PHOE: Uhm, Rach, the door is open, you can go through there.

RACH: Oh.

[She goes out that way, out to the guys]

JOEY: That is one desperate chick! Wonder what she wants?

RACH: What a bunch of gentlemen, helping a lady out the window.

JOEY: I don’t see any ladies around here.

ROSS: Quit it!

RACH: So, what’s up tonight, Ross?

ROSS: Guess.

FRANK: Yeah, guess!

RACH: You’ve got some kicks to offer a girl, Rossy.

ROSS: You betcha’.

RACH: Chandler?

CHAN: You’re out for romance, Rach.

RACH: So, in or out?

CHAN: Old mattresses have bad springs.

RACH: Oh yeah? Well, let me tell you something, Bingonova! That little virgin up there isn’t exactly busy crying over you! In fact, she’s at the moment telling Phoebe’s toilet what she had for dinner! So, in or out?

CHAN: I’m out.

[He starts to walk away. Rachel tries to save her face, and turns to the rest]

RACH: So what do you think this is, gangbang?

JOEY: Apparently it was a few minutes ago, until Chandler left.

ROSS: Hey, you heard the lady, beat it!

[The girls are watching through the window. Monica comes out from the bathroom]

MNCA: Yuck, men are the lowest scum on earth!

MINDY: Never mind Chandler. There’s plenty of guys!

MNCA: I can’t understand that I ever saw anything in that guy…

MINDY: Hey, I happen to be a terrific pen pall. And I’m hopelessly devoted to them all. You can have one if you like!

[She hands Monica a bunch of photos]

MNCA: There’s so many of them! How can you keep them all apart?

PHOE: With the help of good memory and a ranking process.

[Monica rises and goes to the door]

JNCE: Hey, where are you of to?

MNCA: I… I just need to get some air…

[She walks out. Music starts playing]

MNCA: [singing] Guess mine is not the first heart broken. My eyes are not the first to cry. I’m not the first to know. There’s just no getting over you. I know I’m just a fool who’s willing. To sit around and wait for you. But baby, can’t you see. There’s nothing else for me to do. I’m hopelessly devoted to you. But now there’s no way to hide. Since you’ve pushed my love aside. I nodded my head. Hopelessly devoted to you. Hopelessly devoted to you. Hopelessly devoted to you. My head is saying fool forget him. My heart is saying don’t let go. Hold on to the end. That’s what I intend to do. I’m hopelessly devoted to you. But now there’s no way to hide. Since you’ve pushed my love aside. I nodded my head. Hopelessly devoted to you. Hopelessly devoted to you. Hopelessly devoted to you.

[Cut to: A park bench]

[Ross and Rachel are making out on the bench]

RACH: Woa, woa, woa, cool down a bit! What are you so stressy for, huh? Feel like telling me?

ROSS: What do you think? I love a woman with a tattoo! Especially when they’re on a place that doesn’t see the sun all the time.

RACH: Yeah, well I know what you’ve got in your pants, mister, so you can just keep it cool, okay?

ROSS: What, you don’t wanna?

RACH: No, I wanna!

[They start making out again]

ROSS: Oh Rach… Rach…

RACH: Can’t you at least use my full name?

ROSS: Sure. [thinks] Rachem? No, no wait! [thinks, triumphant] Rachel. I knew I could get it!

RACH: I think you’ve been hanging out with Joey too much. That guy never remembers a girls name after a shower or two…

ROSS: Oh, Rachel… Rachel…

RACH: Woa, woa, woa, wait a minute!

ROSS: Okay, the next time you owe me ice-cream!

RACH: Do you have any protection?

ROSS: What?

RACH: A condom! Ever heard of the concept? You have to protect yourself these days!

ROSS: [sighs] Okay. [He starts going through his wallet, which is full of paper notes and other garbage. Rachel oddly eyes him]

RACH: What are you doing?

ROSS: I KNOW I had one here somewhere… wait a sec… I can’t seem to… YES, here it is! I knew I would find it! [holds it up] Strawberry taste and all! Cool, huh?

RACH: [dry] Totally awesome. Now, put it on, while my hair is still free from any grey straws!

ROSS: Will do! [He opens the pack, and takes out a broken condom]

ROSS: Uh… You’re not gonna wanna hear this… I know _I_ don’t wanna… And I think you’ll agree with me that it kinda’ blows.

RACH: Why, what is it?

ROSS: It’s the condom.

RACH: What about the condom?

ROSS: Well, it’s uhm… It’s kinda’ broken.

RACH: Broken?

ROSS: Yes.

RACH: As an oppose to unbroken?

ROSS: Kinda’.

RACH: But how can it be broken?

ROSS: Well, I bought it when I was in the fourth grade. I have another one, but that one’s in my locker at school, Chandler gave it to me when we started High school.

RACH: Oh.

[She rises and gets of the bench]

ROSS: I didn’t know condoms had a “best of use before” nature. [looks at the package] And it doesn’t say anything about it on the package… No date or anything.

RACH: Well, in that case nothing is gonna happen. I’m not risking getting all those diseases you hear so much about, like, like… [thinks] chickenpox…

ROSS: You sure? The Xerox-girl didn’t mind.

RACH: Yeah, so?

ROSS: Look, please? I wanna have some sex!

RACH: [touched] That is so sweet!

ROSS: Rachel, please?

RACH: Oh, what the heck! Come here!

ROSS: Why don’t you come here instead? The bench is allot more comfortable than the ground.

RACH: Okay, but if we’re gonna do this then you’d better stop being all bossy and stuff.

ROSS: Oh, I’M being bossy?

RACH: Yes.

ROSS: Comes from the girl who always wants to be the leader, who always wants to decide…

[Rachel climbs up in his lap, strattelling him]

ROSS: On the other hand I’m quite all right with you making all my decisions for me.

[Closing Credits]

[SCENE: Chandler and Monica’s. The movie’s just finished. Monica is still asleep. Joey rises and stretches]

JOEY: [yawns] I’m beat!

PHOE: The movie was good, though.

[Rachel notices Monica sleeping. She doesn’t look very pleased. She points at her]

RACH: [to Chandler] Is she proving a point or something?

CHAN: [to Monica] Honey? [He lightly shakes her. She makes an annoyed noise and turns her head closer to him, away from the light]

CHAN: Honey, the movie’s over, you can wake up now.

[She sighs, and wakes up. She squints at the bright light]

MNCA: All right, that movie pretty much sucked.

RACH: Mon, you fell asleep during the opening scene.

MNCA: Too lovey-dovey for my taste. [She rises, stretches and walks to the bedroom]

MNCA: Well, I’m calling it a night, you guys! [yawns] God, I feel like I haven’t slept in WEEKS!
 

The End!