Phoebe sighed as she stepped down from the stand. She had been strumming her guitar and singing broken chords for the past two hours while her friends sat sipping cappuccino carelessly.

"Why the long face, Pheebs?" Joey asked, watching her pack away her guitar. "Your songs sound great!"

"Excellent!" added Ross, glancing inconspicuously over at Rachel before he could muster the courage to say anymore. "And, um, I was thinking, Pheebs...maybe sometime I could bring in my keyboard and we could do a duet. I have some great song ideas- 'It's Not Easy Being...'"

"Green?" Monica guessed, a starry look in her eyes.

Chandler gave her a funny look.

"What?" She put on her most innocent face, then gave up. "Oh, fine. I was in love with Kermit the Frog when I was little."

Chandler nodded. "I've suspected it for a long while now."

"As I was saying-" Ross glared at Chandler and Monica "-'It's Not Easy Being Married To Someone Who's Gay When You're Not' and oh! also 'Threesomes are Just Wrong.' So what do you think, Phoebe?"

Phoebe reached for her jacket and began to button it up slowly while she spoke. "Thanks for the offer, Ross, that would be great, I suppose, but I just don't know. Now don't get me wrong, your song ideas sound awesome, but I ask myself, is this how I want to spend the rest of my life? And the answer is 'no.' No control over people..." A far-away look drifted into her eyes. "...No one to boss around. I just don't think I can do it!"

"Sounds a bit like Monica," Joey commented. "No seriously, maybe you just need a change of pace."

"Yeah, Pheebs," Chandler chimed in. "Maybe the rat race was catching up with you. That, or maybe you were a rat and the cat was catching up with you. Yeah, the cat is definitely catching up with you when you have two heart attacks in the same week."

Their words seem to float right through her. "Well I do know one thing," Phoebe said, lighting a cigarette and heading for the door, "at least I have my smokes." With that, she disappeared in a cloud of grey.

"I'm really worried about her," Monica declared. "She'll smoke herself into a coma-she's got nothing better to do." Monica sighed, then glanced all around her in desperation. "Gunther!" she cried in exasperation. "Where are my petits fours?"

"I don't know what petits fours are," Chandler teased, but they're definitely not on you! Just kidding. Anyway, maybe I'd better go talk to Phoebe. It would have been an awful mistake if I had stayed at my job. And even a more awful mistake if I had kept up my smoking. I'd probably be dead by now."

"You're only thirty," Ross reminded him.

"Oh, I didn't mean from the smoking," Chandler said, standing. "I meant from Doug slapping my butt once too many times. Maybe I can follow her and make her see the light."

"Ah, I'll come with you!" Monica jumped up excitedly and they both left in a flash.

"Boy, they were in a hurry." Gunther had come over with the plate of petits fours. "Well, uh, Monica already paid for these, so I guess you guys can have them."

Joey and Ross cheered and each reached for a petits fours, not noticing that Rachel sat in unusual silence and stillness, staring at the blank space where Gunther had stood a few moments earlier.

"Rachel, would you like a...um, Ross, what are these called again?"

"Petits fours." Ross rolled his eyes and sipped his coffee.

"Right. Thanks, man. Rach, would you like a petits fours?" Joey offered the plate her way.

Still Rachel sat as still as a zombie. "I-I recognise that guy, was his name Gunther? Was he on 'All My Children?'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Outside of Central Perk, Monica grabbed hold of Chandler's arm and held on tight. "Um, Chandler, we're not really going to go talk to Phoebe, are we?"

"Nah, of course not!" Chandler giggled. "I just said that so we-"

Chandler stopped not only in mid-sentence but in mid-step.

"Chandler, what is it?" Monica turned her head in the direction of Chandler's held gaze. He was staring at a young, gorgeous, big-boobed blond girl-the typical cheerleader. But that wasn't what

Monica noticed most about her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh, finally!" Rachel gasped. "I thought he would never leave!"

"Who, you mean Ross?" Joey grabbed the last petits fours from the plate and stuffed it in his

mouth vulgarly.

Rachel crawled up on Joey's lap and whispered in his ear. "Yes, Ross, you cutie-pie."

"What're you doing?" Joey spewed crumbs everywhere as he spoke. "Seducing a hungry man like that, when he's eating?"

"I'm glad you're hungry," Rachel murmured, running her fingers through Joey's hair. "I'll feed you anything you want." She smield, baring shining white teeth.

"Wow..." Joey's eyes glazed over. "Even sandwiches?"

After he sat spaced out for a moment, he suddenly jumped up, throwing Rachel off balance. She fell back on the couch with a thump. "No, Rachel, I-hey, you have really white teeh!" He reached for her hand and helped her up gently.

"My husband is an orthodontist," she explained, flashing the pearlies once more.

Joey gazed at her, for a moment forgetting what was important. "Your husband! Right! Rach, you can't cheat on your husband! Remember the ring!" Joey held Rachel's hand up to her face.

"I remember the ring," Rachel said. "But look at my hands, Joey. I'm only wearing Caprice's ring, the one you gave me-not my wedding ring."

"What are you saying, Rachel?"

Rachel sat back down and pulled Joey with her. She took a deep breath. "When I got back from your apartment yesterday, I found my husband in bed with another woman. We're getting divorced! Don't you see, Joey? I'm a free person again! And there's no one I'd rather share my freedom with than you!"

"Now hold on." Joey looked into space seriously, deep in thought. "Isn’t that a line from the show?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Ross got home, Ben flew into his arms.

"Daddy! I made something for you in kindergarten today!"

"Oh, I can't wait to see it," Ross said. "What is it?"

"It's a..." Ben pulled something magically out from behind his back "...doll! Just for you. Mommy said she doesn't love you anymore, so I'm giving you someone to love you."

Ross' smile wavered. He lifted his son high into the air and tickled him all over. "Aw, thanks, Ben. But as long as I have you to love me, I don't need anyone else."

"Daddy, will you play me a song on your keyboard?"

"Sure, I just made up a new song. I composed it last night when I couldn't sleep."

"Oh goody!" Ben raced to the keyboard. "Come on, Dad!"

Ross smiled and took his place at the keyboard. He cleared his throat and began to sing. "Three is a crowd, even two is too many. Cavemen were independent. But when they got married they stayed that way. Now marriage is just horrendous!"

Ben cheered. "That was wonderful, more, more!"

"I don't have any more new ones, sorry, big guy."

"I have one."

Ross looked up. Carol was standing in the kitchen doorway.

"Really!" Ross gave a nervous little winnie. "Well why don't you play it for us, Carol?"

"I'd be glad to!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Chandler? Why were you looking at that girl out there?" Monica slammed the apartment door behind her.

"What girl?" Chandler grabbed a water bottle from the refrigerator, without the slightest idea what Monica was talking about.

"That-that blond bimbo out there. The thin one!!!" Monica placed much emphasis on the word 'thin.'

"Oh, the thin one." Chandler nodded, rolling his eyes. He still had no clue what Monica was saying.

"Look, Mon, I see why you're upset-but I love you just the way you are! You're perfect in any shape or size."

"Thanks a bunch," Monica huffed. "Let's go see Phoebe."

"But-but-" Chandler sighed. He followed Monica. "Yes, Captain Geller."

Monica shot him a hate look and twisted the key in the lock.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monica rang the bell at Phoebe's house - mansion, to be exact - upstate, and outside of the city. Frankly, she was feeling rather intimidated by Phoebe lately. Ever since she had moved out a year ago,s he had changed a lot-her personality, her looks, her whole belief system. Monica really missed the old Pheebs she once knew and loved. She could only hope that now that Phoebe had lost what was most important to her, that she could transform back into her real self.

"Are you okay?" Chandler sensed that something was wrong. That was one thing he liked about

Monica. Not that he could sense things about her, but that their minds connected. They were on the same wavelength. If only he could figure out what she was ticked about, then everything would be all right.

"No," Monica confessed.

Chandler sighed. So Monica was still hung up on this skinny thing.

The door was thrown open. Phoebe smiled thinly down at her friends. She attempted to appear cheerful, but her run-down body told otherwise. Her hair tousled, her fingernails ripped and snagged, her face long, white and pale.

"Hey, guys. What up?"

"Phoebe, we're worried about you," Chandler began frankly. "For gosh sakes, your maid isn't even answering the doorbell for you anymore!"

"I had to, um, make a few cutbacks. My maid was one of them. Come on in, guys." Phoebe widened the door and gestured inside.

Monica and Chandler accepted the invitation and stepped inside. Moncia did a doubletake.

"A few cutbacks?" Monica shrieked. "That's a total understatement! This place is absolutely empty!"

"You must have sold every single one of your possessions!" Chandler agreed. "By the way, Pheebs, speaking of possessions, I think you're posessed by your job."

Monica and Phoebe followed Chandler's gaze to an In/Out box filled with file folders, receipts and other assorted papers. Her laptop sat crookedly at the top of the pile.

"Oh those," Phoebe said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "Well the paper company wouldn't take back the paper and...well you know I've got a soft spot for that laptop of mine."

"But of course," Chandler said with a nod of his head. "But of course."

"What happened to all your money?" Monica cried. "Don't you have a savings account!?"

Phoebe sighed. "You wanna see my savings account? This way." Phoebe led them to a closet with gold plated hinges. "It's in here."

"Wow," Chandler cooed sarcastically. "A walk-in vault."

"Yep." Phoebe threw open the door.

"Oh my God."

Chandler and Monica gasped simultaneously. So this was Phoebe's savings account. She definitely had some explaining to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I really love this dog," Rachel cooed, patting the grey hound affectionately.

"I'm glad you do," Joey replied, flipping on his stereo.

"And this couch. Oh! And did I tell you? I love your toilet, and how it's shaped like a fishy-fish. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen!"

"And I'm sure if it hadn't seen you barf, that you would be the cutest thing the toilet has ever seen!"

Rachel giggled. "I just love being free, Joey."

"And I just love you-"

"Really?" Rachel giggled again, falling into Joey's arms.

Joey shrugged. "Well, I was actually gonna say 'I just love you being free,' but however you wanna take it!" He grinned.

Rachel grinned back. "I get you."

"Sit down," Joey said. "Let's talk."

Rachel giggled and sat. "Well, okay. What is it?"

Joey shrugged. "I dunno. Girls like to talk. I thought you'd have something to say!"

"Actually," Rachel started, "Yeah, I do, now that I think about it. Joey, you know that blond-haired guy?"

"I know lots of blond-haired guys." Joey counted them off on his fingers. "There's Leo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt-"

Rachel interrupted with a shriek. "You know those guys?"

"Well, I've seen them around," Joey fibbed, thinking of when he had seen Titanic and Eyes Wide Shut.

"Do you think you could introduce me sometime?" Rachel's eyes shone with excitement.

"Um, maybe some other day. But I do have another celebrity I’d like you to meet."

"Who is it?" Rachel inquired eagerly, stars in her eyes.

"You’ll see," Joey replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Twosomes are gruesome and threesomes are...threesomes are..."

"Carol, when you said you had a song, I thought you meant you already had one composed in your head."

"Well, I had the gist of it!" Carol protested. "Threesomes are...are-"

"Gleesome!" Ben cried with exuberance. "That rhymes!!"

Ross gave a high squeak of a laugh and leaned in towards Ben. "Now, Ben, do you mind doing Daddy a favour?"

"Sure, what is it?" Ben leaped up, set to do whatever his father requested.

"Why don't you go paint me a picture? I need to talk to Mommy for a few minutes."

"Okay!"

Ben ran into the kitchen and Carol looked up. "What's going on?" she asked.

"We need to talk, Carol." Ross drew in a deep breath. Even though Carol must know that she herself was gay, what possible way was there for him to tell her that he knew? "Come sit down."

"What is it, Sweetheart?"

Ross gulped. "R-remember when we had that threesome?" He stammered out the question shakily.

"Oh, yes." Carol got a far-off look in her eyes. "You know, Ross, that threesome really turned me on." She crawled into his lap and leaned in close. "What about it?"

"Well," Ross tittered, "I know it sounds funny, but...are you gay?"

"What?" Carol jumped away from Ross as if he were an angry bumble bee. "Whyever would you say that?"

"Oh, come on, Carol!" Ross' temper was working up to a frenzy. "I was hardly included in that stupid thing! And then that song! How do you explain that? And Ben told me that you told him you don't love me anymore! What is with that? You can be gay all you want, I don't care! But telling him that is just the last straw! I can't live with this anymore!"

Carol was evidently taken aback. She spoke quietly, staring down into her lap. "I don't know what you're talking about-" Her voice trailed off to a murmur.

"Oh, you know exactly what I'm talking about, Carol! Now I'm sorry if this is confusing for you, but think of how confusing it is for me, your husband! What do you want from me, Carol?"

For a moment, Ross thought he saw a glint of malignance in his wife's eyes. But it was gone the next second, and he ignored the feeling.

"Ross, the question really is, what do you want from me?" she whispered.

"I want a divorce."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What is all this, Phoebe?" Monica demanded. "What is it???"

"Geez, girl, you must be blind!" Phoebe rolled her eyes and lit a cigarette. "They're business-suits, can't you see?"

"I can see," Chandler replied, "I just can't believe my eyes."

"I know what you mean," Phoebe agreed. "It is kind of mind-boggling, you know, like one of those 3-D puzzles."

"It's exactly like one of those 3-D puzzles!" Monica hissed. "All the suits are exactly alike!"

"There must be hundreds of them! What are they all for?" Chandler asked.

"Eee...yeah. Well...Monica, remember when you asked me how I keep the hair off my suit, especially with Shiva and her cat-hair all around the house?"

"Ye-eah..." Monica said cautiously.

"Well, I replied 'magic,' correct?"

"Right."

"Well it wasn't exactly magic. The truth is, I wore a new suit every day. Every time I ran out, I would buy another one."

"Oh my God, Phoebe!" Chandler hooted. "Haven't you ever heard of a dry-cleaners?"

"Of course!" Phoebe replied. "But you know, I've always been scared of dry-cleaners."

"Any particular reason?"

"Yeah. Because every time I watch 'Candid Camera,' they have a scenario at a dry-cleaners. And do you realize how embarassing those things are? I've had nightmares about having someone pop out of nowhere, crying 'Smile, you're on Candid Camera!' "

A smile tugged at the corner of Monica's mouth and spread into a wide grin. "You spent all that money on a new suit for every day? Boy, and I thought Rachel was obsessed with clothes."

"Anyway, I have to sell the house. So, Mon, I hope you don't mind, but I'll be moving back in with you tomorrow."

Monica's smile faded. Her face turned a pale, sickly color.

"Hey, Mon, are you all right?" Chandler asked. "You're turning positively green."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Back to Central Perk already?" Rachel questioned, eyeing the door as Joey lead her through to the coffee house.

"Yep," Joey replied casually, removing Rachel's coat and hanging it on the tree. "What's so weird

about that?"

"Oh, nothing, I suppose." Rachel raised her eyebrows but accepted the fact with grace. She took a place on the couch in the middle of the room and Joey sat beside her. Joey motioned for Gunther.

"Gunther!"

Gunther put down the glass he was cleaning and ambled over to the couple. "What is it, Joey?"

"This young lady was wondering if you were a guest on All My Children." Joey motioned to Rachel.

Gunther gazed down at Rachel, reverent by her beauty.

"Well?"

Rachel gazed back at Gunther, wondering what was going through his head as he looked at her. He certainly was not thinking about Joey's question.

"So, um, were you?" Rachel's cheeks colored with sudden realization that this guy was not just looking at her. He was gazing at her. Ah, it really was nice to be free. She had Joey now, but she wasn't sure how long it would last, him being a big television star and all. It was nice to know she had options. Rachel looked down at herself. It won't be difficult for me to get a date when I need one, she decided with an air of confidence. My only loss is Barry's money.

"Was I, was I what?" Gunther reddened as he drifted from his meditation.

"Listen, Gunther," Joey said harshly. "Were you or were you not on All My Children?"

"Yeah, I was - ahem - Bryce." He placed emphasis on the character name, hoping it would make him sound more prestigious.

"Bryce..." Rachel murmured. "I don't recall such a character on All My Children. Oh! But there was a Bryce on As The World Turns. He played an evil doctor..." Rachel turned to Joey with admiration. "The total counterpart of Dr. Drake Remoray."

"Oh, no, there was definitely a Bryce. I wasn't a doctor-"

"Ahem!" Joey interrupted coarsely. "I'm not a doctor, Rach. You watch it every day! Remember? I'm a neuro-surgeon!"

"Oh, of course!" Rachel giggled. "Silly me. I'm sorry. But, er, Gunther was your name? Do go on."

"All right." Gunther shot Joey a dirty look. "I wasn't a doctor, but I wasn't evil either. I was Devon's half-brother. Remember? She was searching for her long-lost family and through anonymous sources found me!"

"Oh right!" Rachel cried, remembrance dawning on her. "I remember now. Then her friend Jill, secretly a lesbian, got jealous of you because Devon was spending so much extra time with you. So then she killed you. Oh, how did you die again?"

"An avalanche. The three of us went on a skiing trip. Jill and I were skiing a black-diamond ski trail in a blinding snowstorm when a rumbling came up from behind us and-"

"-And it was an avalanche! And Jill, the better skier, had a chance to save you, but instead she went away laughing evilly, leaving you to die."

Joey sighed. Maybe introducing Gunther and Rachel had been a bad idea.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Close your eyes and drift away……breathe deeply. You have no need for your sight with Unagi - the external power."

Ross popped open one eye and looked at his karatay instructor. "Don’t you mean eternal power, not external power?"

The instructor glared at Ross. "Excuse me, Mr. Geller, what is that you say? The power is, in fact, external, which signifies the awareness of everything happening around you. Now close your eyes and drift away……breathe deeply. You have no need of your sight with Unagi - the -" he stared at Ross "- external power."

Ross grinned sheepishly and shut his eyes tightly. Breathe, he repeated silently to himself, with the deepest concentration that was possible. Breathe deeply…I must be ready for any attack from a gay wife. Unfortunately, Ross’s level of concentration depth, was in fact, not that possible.

"Hyyyyyyyyyaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" It was a long, anticipated yell, but Ross was the last to notice his attacker’s - or rather, his instructor’s - foot connecting with Ross’s head in one grand flying leap. For several moments, the world from Ross’s point of view, was quite blackened. After a lengthy recuperation from reality, Ross’s eyes fluttered open and he sat up woozily. A group of people stood crowding around him, including the karatay instructor.

"Ah, the victim awakes, only to find his wallet missing, cellular phone destroyed, and his stomach full of butterflies!" The instructor grabbed Ross’s hand and pulled him to his feet. "I had to do that when I realized you were not concentrating on the power of Unagi, Mr. Geller. It is a lesson you have learned from, and a lesson that could only benefit you."

"Benefit me?" Ross said, head swaying ominously to and fro. "It couldn’t have benefited me…at least, well, um, what’s benefit mean again?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Your stuff is still here." Monica sighed heavily as she opened the door to Phoebe's old bedroom. "Your bed, your portable massage table, your candles. It's all here."

Phoebe shoved past her disappointed roommate into the bedroom.

Monica's mouth dropped open wide as Phoebe swept the candles from the bureau in one great movement.

"Phoebe!" she cried in protest. "What are you doing that for?"

Phoebe lit a cigarette and shrugged carelessly. "I don't know, I guess I just don't like candles anymore."

Monica put her hands on her hips and glared at Phoebe. "Pick them up. I don't care if you don't like them anymore! I don't care if you throw them away! But you're not going to make a mess in my apartment!" She stepped forward and grabbed the cigarette from Phoebe's long fingers. "And no smoking! I won't stand for it!"

Phoebe knocked Monica back on to the bed and grabbed her cigarette back, heading for the door. "Then sit for it!"

Phoebe slammed the door behind her.

Monica flopped back on the bed, trying in vain to ignore the candles littered on the floor. She sighed and crawled down to pick them up when she realized they were also littered in her mind.

She slowly replaced them, one at a time, contemplating her present situation.

Phoebe moving back in...that in itself was almost too much to handle. Her smoking bothered Monica. Not just because Phoebe's cigarettes filled Monica's apartment with a mist of smoke at the ceiling, but because of the heart attacks. It seemed Phoebe had already forgotten about the existence of her attacks. She was lucky to get through them both. Most people don't make it through two, let alone one.

The day before, Monica had broken up with Roger. It had been easy. But had it been worth it?? She had done it for Chandler. Monica couldn't stop thinking about him long enough to worry about Phoebe much. He was so wonderful, so sweet, her best friend; but something bothered Monica. He had fallen for her, but then he was looking at other girls. Was it because he didn't like her looks? That was the only solution Monica could come up with. Nothing else made any sense! He loved her as a person, of that much she was sure. But as for her appearance, well, that was another story.

"My shape was never my favorite thing," Monica murmured. "But now that it actually matters for something, I downright hate it!"

Monica stood and stared at herself in the mirror, long and hard.

"I'm going on a diet," she said, determined. And this time she meant it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This is so cool!" Rachel cried, spontaneously hugging both Joey and Gunther at once. "To know and to be hanging out with two television celebrities like this! It’s just unbelievable! Un-buh-leev-able!"

"It sure is a blast, isn’t it?" Joey replied disparagingly. "But remember, Gunther isn’t really a television celebrity. He played a short-term character on ‘All My Children,’ but I play a long-term character on ‘Days of our Lives.’ And just check any top-rated soap list. ‘Days of Our Lives’ is first-rate, but ‘All My Children’ is always less than fifth."

"Yeah, I know. I subscribe to all those things - Soap Weekly, The Soap Opera House, and Who’s Who on the Soaps. I know ‘Days of Our Lives’ is the best, but I never miss ‘All My Children’ either. And Bryce was a really cool character, I must admit. He definitely had charm."

"I know," Gunther agreed. "Bryce was really cool. But I must admit, Rachel, not as much charm as Dr. Drake Remoray. That guy has got some smooth moves and cool looks."

"Watch it man," Joey warned.

"Can I get you some coffee or anything, Rachel?" Gunther asked politely.

"Gee, I don’t know," Rachel replied. "I’d like to, but until my divorce is settled, I’m not sure how much cash I’m gonna get from the whole deal. God, I wish I had kids."

"Er, that’s OK, Rachel. It’s on me."

"Well in that case, for sure! Can I have a latté with cream and cinnamon shavings?"

"Anything for you," Gunther promised.

Joey was too angry, Rachel too ecstatic, and Gunther too in love to notice Chandler’s arrival as Gunther handed Rachel her drink.

"Oh my God, Gunther this is not what I ordered!" Rachel cried. "I asked for cinnamon shavings, remember?" Rachel sighed and shook her head. I swear, she thought, tv celebrities are hot and great actors, but they just don’t have brains in their heads!

"I’ll get those right away, Rach."

Chandler raised his eyebrows, deep in thought. His mind began to clank. Who did Rachel remind him of? And who did Gunther remind him of? Joey was just Joey, but…

"Rachel, I’ve won several awards for my find performances as Dr. Drake Remoray. And one award for Excellent Celebrity Citizenship when I helped out at the soup-kitchen last Christmas."

Nope! Joey was definitely not just Joey!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Not employed…told Ben she didn’t love me - now is that good motherhood? - …she’s a lesbian…"

Ross was compiling a list of things to use against Carol in court. So far he didn’t have much. He wasn’t sure how far the latter two would get him. He was pretty sure that unless Carol had actually abused Ben, that Ben wouldn’t be allowed to testify. Even if he was allowed, it would be horrible for Ross to request for his son to testify against his mother. He wanted to do anything he could to make Ben as comfortable as possible through this difficult time of their lives.

"Dammit." Ross crumpled the list and threw it across the room, then, deciding it would be bad if Carol found it, he retrieved the paper and ripped it to shreds.

He just had to get custody of Ben. Ben was partially what Ross lived for, and with Carol gone, Ben would be wholly what he would be living for.

As Carol entered the apartment, Ross quickly slammed the wastebasket down behind him, on the keyboard. He didn’t want Carol to see what he had been doing. That would only make her more insistent on keeping their lives the way they were. Lately she had been discussing not getting divorce and nothing could annoy Ross more.

Carol smiled sweetly at Ross.

"Ross," she said. "I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the divorce."

Ross glared at her. "Well, what is it?"

"Well…I just wanted to make sure that you’re absolutely sure you want to go through with it. I mean, living without a woman can be tough. Think about it - I do all the cooking and cleaning, and I take care of Ben all day while you’re at work."

He narrowed his eyebrows and stared at Carol through slits in his eyes. "We eat out nearly every night, we have a weekly cleaner, and Ben goes to day care from eight to one every day. You do nothing, Carol!"

"Okay…well let’s focus on Ben. You do realize that I’ll be getting custody of him and you’ll no longer be able to see him daily."

"No, I do not realize that, and the reason I don’t realize it is because I’ll be getting custody of him, much to your dismay. Carol, I have a job! You don’t. Where is that going to leave you and Ben if you get custody of him?!"

"We’ll be living off your money, honey," Carol said with a sideways smile. "I won’t need a job. With how much you make (and we’ll be getting at least half of it), we’ll be living it up! We don’t actually need you, Ross, just your money."

"Well what are you going to do with Ben while you’re off with your girlfriend?" Ross’s face was reddening and he felt like he was about to blow up.

"Oh, simple!" Carol replied, her smile widening. "I’ll keep Ben in daycare from eight to one. That will give me how many? oh, five hours alone with Susan…and you won’t be there to force us to make it a ‘threesome.’ My plan is perfect!"

"No! No, it isn’t. If possible, Ben should always be with his parents. I don’t even know why he is in day care now! You never told me why!"

"I didn’t think you’d be pleased," Carol confessed. "It’s not something you and I do often."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monica entered the apartment with her groceries only to find herself in a thick cloud of smoke. "Oh my God, is the apartment on fire?!" she screamed.

"Oh, for God’s sake, Monica, shut up!" Phoebe yelled impatiently. "It’s only me, smoking."

"Phoebe, I told you, no smoking in my apartment!!!!!!!!" Monica groped her way through the smoke to where Phoebe sat on the couch and grabbed the current cigarette from her mouth. At least she tried to. The cigarette wouldn’t come. "Let go!"

"No!" Phoebe cried through her teeth. "I won’t!"

"Do you want to have to move out???" Monica shouted. "Cos if you don’t surrender all your cigarettes to me right now you’ll be looking for another place to live that isn’t exactly free!"

"Oh all right." She slammed her pack of cigarettes into Monica’s palm and spat out the other.

"Oh God!" Monica dove for the cigarette. "You really are going to start a fire! Phoebe!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ross’s heart was in his throat. Soon would come the moment of truth. The moment he would discover if Ben was his - or if his life was over. Yeah, yeah, get on with it, Ross thought hurriedly. Couldn’t they go any faster? The bed is Carol’s, the couch is Ross’s, the bla-bla-bla-bla. The Ben is whose?

Ross glanced up eagerly when he realized that the judge was quickly getting to the bottom of her papers.

"Custody of Ben Geller goes to Carol Geller with Ross Geller paying child-support in the amount of 55% monthly, with 45% of that used only on the child. Ross Geller may see the child only on Fridays from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. Court dismissed."

Ross’s mouth dropped open. That was it? It was that simple? That was the final decision? How could that have happened in only three seconds? He had lost his wife, his son, and his battle. Still in a daze, he sauntered up to the bench and leaned his elbow on it.

"So, Mr. Judge…I mean Ms. Judge. How did you come to the decision that Carol should get custody of Ben?"

"Easily," she replied. "I noticed what a jerk you were."

"What?!"

"I’m just kidding," she snapped. "Don’t you have a sense of humour at all? The truth is, I’ve got evidence from your wife’s lawyer that I’m under oath to withold from you. I have to tell you something man-to-man, Mr. Geller. Rarely does the ‘daddy’ get custody of the children unless the wife is abusive or has a drinking problem. Sorry to tell you that."

"Well is there any chance the case will be recalled?"

"I’m afraid that is also rare, Mr. Geller unless new evidence is found or if a jury member consorts with someone involved in the case. But in this case, there is no jury is there?"

"I don’t see one…"

"And that’s why!" the judge boomed. "Talk to your lawyer, Mr. Geller. And I’m afraid I’ve got to ask you to leave now."

Ross walked out of the courtroom, completely dismayed. He hung his head. It just wasn’t fair. It was practically only because he was a man that he was losing his son. Why else would they allow Carol custody of Ben? It made no sense.

"I’ve got to do something about this," Ross murmured.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joey smiled at Rachel as she wandered to the washroom, then he turned to stare over at Gunther, who was humming a happy tune as he wiped down the counter at Central Perk. It was the type of tune one might hum if one was in love. Joey’s eyes narrowed and he jumped up.

"Gunther, we need to talk."

Gunther glanced at Joey. "Sure, what can I do for you? You want a coffee? It’s on the house! Any friend of Rachel’s is a friend of mine!"

"She’s not my friend," Joey explained viciously. "She’s my girlfriend."

"Right, your girlfriend," Gunther replied. "Let me rephrase my previous comment: ‘Any boyfriend of Rachel’s is a friend of mine!"

"Oh-ho, you wish!" Joey cried. "I am your sworn enemy, Mr. - Mr. - what is your last name?"

"Are you implying that you don’t like me?" Gunther’s usual cool - scratch that - calm had left him now.

"That’s exactly what I’m implying!" Joey exclaimed, as he waved a clenched fist in Gunther’s face. "I don’t like you, and I don’t like the way you flirt with my Rachel! She picked me so you’d better just stay out of it!"

"Oh yeah!" Gunther snapped. "Well it just so happens that Rachel likes me just as much as she likes you…maybe even more!!! She told me so!"

"Yeah, only after you fed her free coffee for two days straight," Joey argued. "She doesn’t like you. She just likes your coffee!"

"At least I have that, dim-bulb! You couldn’t even make a pot of decaf, and let me tell you, being able to make coffee is one good thing to know for when you’re married!"

"Oh, so now you’re marrying her? And by the way, how do you think Rachel will like her without all your teeth?"

Joey’s fist connected with Gunther’s jaw. Gunther swung back, but missed, and he had to duck to avoid another punch from his counterpart. But when Gunther hit Joey down with a haymaker - Knowing how to play hockey helps me out once in a while, Gunther said to himself - someone in the crowd yelled "Fight!!!!," and fight they did.

Only Chandler noticed, as he stood with his watchful eye on Gunther and Joey, that Rachel returned from the bathroom and slipped out the door to the street.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monica put the groceries down on the kitchen table, and after the smoke subsided, Phoebe joined her.

"What’d you get for food, Mon? Anything decent? What are you making for din tonight?" Phoebe rubbed her hands together and decided that if she couldn’t smoke, at least she could eat.

"Nothing," Monica replied. "I’m on a diet.

"What???!!!" Phoebe screeched. "I need my food!!!! Well what did you get for groceries?!" She grabbed one of the bags and began to unpack. "Unsalted soda crackers - those will never do." She threw the box of soda crackers over her head and they landed on the couch.

Monica’s mouth dropped open.

"What’s this?! Watercress leaves, skim milk, non-fat cheese?" As Phoebe replaced them from the bag, each flew over her head and landed in the livingroom.

"Phoebe!!!!" Monica cried for the second time that day.

"I need my food!!!" Phoebe argued in return. "Listen, Mon, I’m sorry you’re fat and I’m sorry I’m normal-sized, but I need my food! And I’m not sacrificing that for the sake of you. I’m going out to get real food. Gimme your credit card."

"What?!"

"Now!"

"Oh, fine then!" Monica stamped her foot and threw her purse at Phoebe. "But keep the food out of my kitchen! Keep it in your room where I won’t think about it!"

"Fine!"

Phoebe slammed the apartment door behind her.

Monica looked at her livingroom. "Just look at this mess!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His picket sign read ‘Equal Rights For Men!’ in big, block letters. If him parading with this sign in front of the courthouse didn’t get people’s attention, nothing would. Unless, of course, it was a woman parading around with the sign.

"Ross?!"

Ross whirled around to come face-to-face with his highschool sweetheart - the imaginary one, of course. "Rachel! What are you doing here?"

"The question is," Rachel replied, "what are you doing here? What’s with these ‘Equal Rights for Men’ posters?"

Ross laughed nervously and quickly hid the picket sign he held behind his back, even though Rachel could still see it as plain as day. "Well, the judge told me I didn’t get custody of Ben, my son, because I’m a man. I figured I should do something about that. So, ahem, what are you doing here? Have you come to picket as well?"

"No," Rachel laughed, quite amused by how cute Monica’s brother looked with such an innocent face. And just the idea of his picket was so sweet that she had to laugh! "I’m here to get a divorce. See that guy over there with the sixteen-year-old cheerleader? That’s hubby-dear. He’s a sleazeball with extra bounce, and the second I found out, I blew him off. I didn’t love him in the first place." Rachel examined her nails, hoping she didn’t look too stupid for marrying the jerk.

"What a jerk," Ross said, his eyes narrowing. "How could anyone do such a thing to you, such a beautiful girl?" He clamped his mouth together the moment he said it. What an idiot he was! Did Rachel notice?

She didn’t seem to. She glanced at her husband who was motioning for her. "Listen, I’ve gotta go do my little divorce thingy, but I don’t think it will take too long. I’ll be back in a minute. Don’t go away!"

"I won’t," Ross promised. "Unless the police come and shoot me down."

"Oh, what a joker you are!" Rachel cried. "We don’t live in Canada, Ross."

As Ross watched Rachel run into the courthouse, he shook his head. She was a little dim, but otherwise seemed perfect. Perfect for him. Those grade-nine feelings all came flooding back into Ross’s head. It seemed he had just found the angel that he had longed for then, come to him now. But he mustn’t get carried away. It would never work out. Things never worked out the way he hoped they would.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Phoebe returned later that evening with three bags of groceries. With good food, in her opinion.

Monica wasn’t around when she arrived, so she put the grocery bags down on the kitchen counter and decided to relax a bit before she put them in her room. She lay down on the couch and felt her eyelids drooping. She had shooting pains up and down her arm, she felt run-down, her voice raspy, and her breathing uneven.

It’s okay, Phoebe said to herself as she let herself drift off. Monica would be home soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow." Joey held his head against a pack of ice, trying to get the pain to subside.

"You think you hurt," Gunther said in reply to Joey’s pain, "at least you still have your job."

They were sitting outside Central Perk on the curb, cleaning off dry blood and bandaging their wounds.

"Yeah, yeah." Joey was tired of listening to Gunther complain about losing his job. "Well I’m never allowed back in there…it’s my favorite hang-out!"

"I can’t believe you’re worried about your ‘favorite hang-out’ when I have no place to go and no other training. I’m totally dead. And neither of us has Rachel. Her coat is gone. She probably saw us brawling and left."

"And it’s all your fault!" Joey cried. "Couldn’t you just keep your little love-nose out of our business! She probably never wants to see me again!"

"Let’s shut up now," Gunther said, crying out in pain. He clasped his head in his hands. "I have a pounding headache."

"I agree," Joey conceded. His head hurt so badly it might as well have been ripped right off and thrown into the gutter. And on top of that, he was pretty sure Rachel was gone. Oh, well, he thought to himself. I’ll just find another pretty woman. I’m sure there’s one out there that will want me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I’m back, Ross!" Rachel said, throwing her arms around Ross as she ran out of the courthouse. "The divorce is finalized and I got a pretty penny from the deal, too! Ah, single life! It’s so great to be alive and single!"

Oh! The sign not to ask her out on a date came when she said she enjoyed single life.

"But you’ve only been single for five minutes," Ross reminded her nervously. "It totally sucks! You’re going to hate it! I think you need to find a man right away, the sooner the better. Besides, living all alone in New York is dangerous…you’ll need a man around."

"Well I’m kind of with Joey," Rachel said reflectively. "And I’m even kind of with Gunther. Although he’s just good for laughs. And you know, Joey is a little self-centered for me, I think. At first, I thought it was cool to be with a tv celebrity like him, especially the one that’s my favorite character on ‘Days of Our Lives!’ But now the novelty has worn off, y’know? And guess what! When I left the coffee house, Joey and Gunther were a little too close to each other for comfort, if you know what I mean!"

"Yeah, um, sure. So how about a plain, ordinary man?"

"I’m not sure," Rachel replied. "Hey, can I give you a hand with your picket?"

Ross was so taken aback he could not answer for the life of him.

"I see you have an extra picket sign," Rachel went on, picking the sign up and holding it high into the air. "I’d be glad to help you out a bit."

"S-sure, that’d be great," Ross stammered. And as he walked the street with Rachel, he realized that with Rachel as the girl doing it, a woman picketing for men’s rights didn’t look so weird.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh my God." Monica entered the livingroom from her bedroom and stared in shock at what lay still on her couch. It was Phoebe. "Phoebe!" she cried, kneeling by her friend. She took Phoebe’s wrist in her hand. She had a pulse.

At that, Monica breathed a sigh of relief, but it took her awhile before she realized that still, all was not well.

"Oh my God, I have to phone 9-1-1!" Monica grabbed for the phone, nearly losing her grip in the process. "I’ve got to pull myself together." She dialled the number as calmly as possible, but began screaming into the phone as soon as the operator picked up.

"My friend is dying!" she screeched. "She’s just lying here on the couch and I think she’s having a heart attack!"

"Calm down," was the first thing the operator told her. "Has your friend ever had a heart attack before?"

"Yes!" Monica screamed into the receiver. "Two in the last two weeks!"

The operator bit her lip. This was one case that was going to be difficult!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the ambulance arrived and Phoebe was fully loaded on, Monica flopped down on the livingroom sofa and sighed. If Phoebe didn’t live through this, Monica would be…simply lost.

She peered through the tears welling in her eyes all around her apartment. It had been awhile since Phoebe had lived with her here, but if she didn’t return, the apartment would be empty - as empty as Monica’s heart. If Phoebe died, it would even take the fun out of having a great boyfriend. "Which I am very mad at right now," Monica reminded herself aloud.

Her eyes landed on the kitchen table, where Phoebe’s grocery bags still sat untouched. Monica rolled her eyes. Phoebe couldn’t have even put the groceries away before she got another heart attack? Damn it.

Monica stood and began to unpack, forgetting for a moment of her friend. Her mind switched gears to food. "Look at all this stuff!" she cried as she grabbed goodies from the bags. "Twinkies, potato chips, Sour Kids." Monica stopped and her eyes filled with undying love as she reached for another occupant of the bag. "KitKats…"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ross, I need to talk to you."

"Anytime you need to talk to me I’m here!" Ross declared, as he and Rachel approached Central Perk.

"Well, good," Rachel replied, glancing over at Chandler who was standing near the door to Central Perk watching them closely. She couldn’t help but feel a bit flustered. Joey and Gunther were watching them too, as she couldn’t help noticing their curious eyes staring up at her from the curb. "Um…I have two tickets to tonight’s Rangers game and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me."

Gunther and Joey’s jaws dropped simultaneously, and they shut them quickly, wincing in pain.

Ross was completely shocked. He thought he would faint dead away. But he didn’t. "I-I’d love to!"

"Great!" Rachel said. "See you at seven."

"Yeah, see you." Ross dropped back on the couch, a light-headed feeling coming to him suddenly. Or was it light-hearted?

Chandler smiled as Rachel bounced past him. This was a great happy ending.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey, Mon."

Monica looked up to see Chandler coming in the door to her apartment. She made a bit of a grunting noise and turned away.

Chandler sighed but continued on conversation ignorantly. "How’s Pheebs doing? Is she awake yet?"

"She wasn’t when I last saw her," Monica said quietly.

"Oh…" Chandler took a seat at the kitchen table and stared down at the floor. "I hope she’s okay…"

"The doctor is predicting that she’ll be out of the coma soon, so don’t worry about her. Anyway, she brought it upon herself."

"Yeah…" How could he tell her now? She was furious with him, upset about Phoebe’s coma, and…well, he had to tell her! She would be so proud of him! "I hate to interrupt the bittersweet conversation, Mon, but… I did it! I did it! I sold another story to Archie comics!" Chandler leaped into the air and rejoiced in his victory.

Monica had trouble ignoring Chandler as he grabbed her in a great big hug. "I’m still mad at you…" she reminded him, a twitch of a smile coming to her lips. She couldn’t help but feel excited for him. "But tell me about it."

"I got the idea from Rachel and Joey."

"Hm, they’re not exactly the brightest people in New York, so how’d that happen?"

"Easily!" Chandler replied. "Remember how they were going out for a while?"

"Yeah…"

"Well when Joey introduced Rachel to Gunther a whole little ‘triangle’ thing began, and it so reminded me of the Archie-Veronica-Reggie triangle! So I began to watch them, and each time I watched them, I scribbled down what they said, and it was all so perfect! They played their roles so well. Rachel was having trouble deciding between Joey and Gunther - Gunther was so nice to her, and she could step all over him, just like Archie! Joey on the other hand was so cool and handsome and a big soap star, just like Reggie! Then Joey and Gunther had a huge fight over Rachel and she just walked out on them both! And in the end, when she has two tickets to the big game, she decides to take neither of them and chooses the handsome stranger."

"And who might that handsome stranger be?"

"Ross!" Chandler cried.

"Ross?" Monica was surprised. "Rachel asked Ross to the ‘big game?’ "

"Yup. And I sold another story to Archie comics!" He couldn’t let her forget about his victory.

"That’s so wonderful! But I’m still mad at you and after this conversation I’m never talking to you again."

"Oh, come on, Mon. Why are you still mad at me? You lost some weight - I thought that made you happier and more secure!"

"I gained it back," Monica pouted. "Phoebe made me eat. It’s all her fault."

"Then why aren’t you mad at her?" Chandler asked hopefully.

"Because she’s not the one who thinks I’m ugly!"

"Mon, you are not ugly! Could you be any beautifuller?"

"That’s not a word."

"It’s the word that describes you," Chandler replied.

"Well…what else describe me?" Monica asked.

"Great," Chandler began.

"Go on," she prodded him.

"Wonderful…amazing…drop-dead gorgeous…"

"You don’t have to exaggerate, Chandler."

"I’m not exaggerating."

Monica grinned. She couldn’t stay mad at Chandler anymore. He loved her and that was obvious. She threw her arms around him. "So, Chandler, you’re not going to look at other women anymore?"

"Well, it’ll be difficult with Phoebe around all the time, but I’ll try," Chandler promised, a smile crossing his face. "But you’ll still let me watch Baywatch, right?"

"Only if I’m around to supervise."

"Done."

Monica ruffled Chandler’s hair and pulled away. "How about a KitKat to celebrate? Phoebe went grocery shopping for us and she made sure to buy some…"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"That was absolutely a great game!" Ross clamored, holding the door to his apartment open for Rachel.

"Yeah!" Rachel agreed, although she didn’t know much about hockey. "But I still don’t understand how the Rangers won. They had a lower score than the Senators."

"What?" Ross looked at her, very confused. "They beat the Senators 2 to 1."

"See, I don’t really understand what went on there," Rachel confessed. "That’s what the scoreboard said, but it also said something like S.O.G.-25 for the Senators and only 23 for the Rangers. Doesn’t that mean…that the Rangers lost?"

Ross laughed out loud as he slipped off Rachel’s coat. "No, no. S.O.G. stands for Shots-On-Goal! That means how many times they shot at the opposite team’s net, and it is counted whether or not the puck goes into the net!"

"Oh, I see!" If anyone else had attempted to explain, Rachel would still be befuddled. But the way Ross explained it…She glanced up to see Ross gazing lovingly down at her.

"Ross?"

Before she knew what was happening, the world was blurry and Ross’s mouth was on hers. "I think I love you, Rachel. I-I know it sounds stupid, and I haven’t seen you for a long time, but you’re so special…when you helped me with my picket, I was just…completely stunned. A woman - picketing for men’s rights. You could only have done that if-"

"-I loved you," Rachel finished.

Ross nodded, and stared down at her, his eyes pleading.

"I do."

A smile started to spread over Ross’s lips, but he couldn’t help but let a tear drip down his cheek. This was who he was meant to be with. This was it.

Ross broke away from Rachel’s embrace for a slight moment. "Carol and Ben are staying at Susan’s toni-"

Rachel didn’t let him finish his sentence. She started up their kiss again, only this time it was brimming with more passion and more devotion. She felt herself being lifted up as Ross set her down - what was she on? She let her eyes wander downwards. Oh! Ross’s keyboard?!

They sprang apart when they were startled by Carol’s voice.

"Ross. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the divorce."

They glanced at each other with confused eyes. Then they heard Ross’s voice say: "Well, what is it?"

"A tape?" Ross guessed as Carol went on.

"Well…I just wanted to make sure that you’re absolutely sure you want to go through with it. I mean, living without a woman can be tough. Think about it - I do all the cooking and cleaning, and I take care of Ben all day while you’re at work."

"A tape!" he cried, pulling Rachel off of the keyboard. "A tape! A tape of our conversation the other day! Just listen to what goes on…"

Rachel listened and at several points her mouth dropped. She could not believe that anyone could be so low. In fact, she could not believe that poor Ross had been stuck with this woman for who knows how many years. Was it fifteen?

"Rach, this might be the evidence I need to recall the case! Maybe I can get custody of Ben after all!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Look at what the nurse found in your pocket, Phoebe," Monica said, narrowing her eyes, once Phoebe had woken up, and holding a pack of cigarettes in Phoebe’s face.

"Oh no."

"Oh yes. Guess where you are."

"The hospital," Phoebe replied begrudgingly.

"That’s right. I found you lying half-dead on the couch in my livingroom when I - when I - um…"

"Out with it girl!" Phoebe shouted. Once she had raised her voice, she regretted it. Breathing was really really painful and her chest killed.

"When I came home - ahem. That’s all. So guess what. You’ve been in a coma for two days. But I knew you’d pull through. You’re so strong - you always do."

"I’m not so sure, Mon. This time I really better watch myself…I could die sometime."

"I know!" Monica cried. "Phoebe, you’re my best friend, and even if you’ve changed, I still want you to be my best friend. If not pull through for yourself, pull through for me. And that includes no smoking! Just a friendly little reminder, I thought you might have forgotten when the nurse showed me the cigarettes."

"Um, yeah, sure! I forgot, that’s it."

Monica rolled her eyes but smiled at her friend. She took Phoebe’s hand, which was unusually warm.

"But, Mon, you can’t just make a one-way deal with me. I want something in return."

"Anything." Monica knew she would do anything for Phoebe, especially with her in this condition. "Anything to make you feel better."

"Quit your diet. I can’t stand to see you this way." Phoebe glanced up and down Monica’s body. "You’re a lot thinner than you were yesterday."

"You mean three days ago. But isn’t that a good thing? I lost ten pounds!"

"No!" Phoebe cried. "It’s not a good thing! I know the other day I said - that you weren’t normal-sized, but I regret that. I’m sorry. I liked you better that way. I can see by your face that you still aren’t happy with yourself."

"That’s only because Chandler-" Monica stopped in mid-sentence.

"Because Chandler what?" Phoebe demanded. "Was he teasing you?"

"No…it’s only that he didn’t notice."

"So what?" Phoebe chided. "What does he have to do with all this?"

"He’s the one that made me go on a diet."

"What? How could he convince you? That seems totally unreal."

"It is unreal," Monica replied dismally. "It’s not that he convinced me or forced me to go on a diet. It’s that he - well, I just felt like he didn’t like me fat. So I went on it."

"Why does Chandler matter so much?" Phoebe asked puzzedly.

"He’s - he’s my boyfriend," Monica stammered.

"Really? I never would have suspected it."

"Really?"

"Nah, I knew all along. So, Mon, as I was saying, I want something in return for not smoking. You stop your diet."

"Oh, Pheebs, no…"

"Yes! Okay, fine. Then I’ll start smoking again. See?" See replaced a packet of cigarettes from the pocket of her hospital gown. "See? I have connections and you can’t stop me if I don’t want to stop…"

Monica’s mind flashed back to how she had felt about Phoebe’s bad habit. How horrible! And three heart attacks was too much to live through - literally. "Okay, fine!" Monica threw up her arms in disgust. "You’ve got it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monica grabbed the phone, leaving Chandler to eating the romantic candle-light dinner she had fixed for them.

"I did it, Mon, I got custody of Ben! And I owe it all to Rachel!" Ross shouted excitedly into the phone.

"That’s great, Ross! I’m so happy for you-"

She giggled as Chandler pulled her into a kiss.

"Boy, you sound happy," Ross went on. "Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. Bye!"

Monica replaced the receiver and rejoined Chandler at the table. "I guess it’s a happy ending," she reported. "Ross got custody of Ben, he’s dating Rachel, and Phoebe’s all better."

"And," Chandler added as he embraced her, "you’re not mad at me anymore."

"Oh, I guess life is great for everyone but Joey," Monica said thoughtfully.

"Nah, he’s all right," Chandler replied. "I talked to him earlier after I got the news about the comic story. He’s totally over Rachel."

"Still, I feel bad for him," Monica continued.

"Trust me, there’s nothing to feel bad for," Chandler chided. "He hooked up with Gunther’s roommate earlier - trust me, he’s fine!"

"Oh!" Monica laughed. Then she sighed. Life was perfect again. Actually, not perfect, she decided as she glanced down at Chandler’s feet, which still had on muddy shoes, which had been tracked all throughout the apartment. Semi-perfect, she decided. No, perfect! She looked at the mud thoughtfully. After all, what would I do if I had nothing to clean?