The One With the Worst Thanksgiving Ever Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there. Phoebe is absorbed in a book, the rest of them are listening to Monica talk.]

Monica: ...and then he said he loves me! Ooh!

Rachel: Mon. After the second date no guy actually means he loves you. Where have you been?

Monica: (dreamily) He's coming for Thanksgiving.

GJoey: Isn't this a little soon, Mon? You just met the guy.

Ross: Not that he's a bad guy or anything. We were fairly good friends back in college. Until...

Monica: Until what?

Ross: Until...he was caught selling copies of exams. Ahem.

Monica: Yeah right, Ross. You just don't want me to date him because...wait a minute. You don't want me to date him?

Ross: Well...

GJoey: My God, Ross. She's your own sister!

Ross: I know, but...

GJoey: I mean, what is this? The thirteenth century? You want her?

[Everyone stares at her except Joey, who nods, eyes wide. Even Phoebe looks up from her book. Ross shakes his head clear of GJoey's muddling words and turns back to Monica.]

Ross: Anyway, Mon, I just don't want you to get hurt again. He always seems nice in the beginning, but...

Chandler: Hey, Monica, remember Philip? He said he loved you after the first date. You wound up in a dumpster with a shoe in your mouth.

Monica: Oh yeah! I guess my singing to impress Philip didn't really impress his neighbours...well, I've gotta go. Time to start cooking for Thanksgiving! Yea!

[Exit Monica. Joey leans in.]

Joey: (quietly) Hey, do you guys think that girl sitting over there is a hooker?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is cooking. Phoebe is reading and Chandler is playing gameboy. No one else is there. SFX: Knock at door.]

Monica: It's open! [She wipes her hands on her apron and sits down. Enter Dave.]

Dave: Hey, Mon.

Chandler: (mimicking quietly) Hey, Mon. [Phoebe glances at Dave, then at Chandler sympathetically. Monica and Dave kiss.]

Monica: So what's up?

[Chandler turns around and is about to say something.]

Dave: Well last time I checked, some cirrocumulus clouds were...

[Chandler bares his teeth and turns back to his gameboy. Monica laughs.]

Dave: So, Chan, how have you been?

Chandler: Well, let me see...lonely, needy, pathetic. Well, basically, all around jim-dandy!

Dave: Like always, hey?

[Chandler turns back to his game, disgusted.]

Chandler: No, I mean it. It's Thanksgiving, my least favorite holiday, and I'm...lonely, needy, pathetic. [SFX: Scary music playing from the gameboy.] Aw, man! And now I can't even pass the stupid game.

Dave: Yup, like always. [Dave turns away and Chandler pounds his head against the side of the couch.]

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Rachel are cuddling on the couch. Enter Mark. Rachel notices him immediately.]

Rachel: Ohmigod, Mark! [She jumps up. He walks over and hugs her.] How have you been?

[Ross's eyes widen and he stares at Rachel and Mark.]

Ross: (mouthing) Oh my God!

Mark: Oh, I've been all right. I've missed you; haven't seen you forever! How are things at work?

Rachel: Oh, boy. I guess you haven't heard. I was fired. I have a new job at the museum.

Mark: Oh, that's awful. Which museum?

Rachel: Natural History.

Mark: Oh! Oh! You mean that one that your geeky friend works at. How is he, anyway?

Rachel: Ask him yourself. He's right here! [Mark takes notice of Ross for the first time.]

Mark: Ross, Ross.

[Ross stands and they shake hands.]

Ross: [smiling a fake smile] Mark, Mark.

Mark: Ross.

Ross: Mark.

Mark: Ross.

Ross: Mark.

Mark: Ross...

Ross: (tiredly) Yes?

Mark: Um...I don't know. So how are you?

Ross: I? How am I? Well...wonderful!

Mark: Really.

Ross: Well basically. (blurting) Rachel's my girlfriend!

Mark: I thought as much. What with Rachel's kind and caring heart, she always goes back to the jerks.

Rachel: Oh my God, Mark-

Ross: Well it seems to me,...Marky-Poo, that she left you and never came back.

Mark: Hm, really. Well things aren't always as they seem.

[Rachel's jaw drops.]

Mark: Later.

[Exit Mark.]

[Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment. Joey and GJoey are sitting at the counter. Joey hangs up the phone.]

Joey: Operation Porn, underway.

[GJoey laughs.]

GJoey: Man, Chandler is gonna love this.

Joey: I know. And he owes it all to me.

GJoey: You? What do you mean, you? I'm the one who came up with it!

Joey: Oh yeah? I came up with porn, not you!

GJoey: And I came up with porn that you pay for!

Joey: What's so great about paying for porn when you can have it free?

GJoey: We can't have it free!

Joey: But free porn is still a way better idea than porn you pay for.

GJoey: But we don't have free porn!

Joey: We used to!

GJoey: But...

[Enter Phoebe with her book. She shivers.]

Phoebe: Ohh. You can feel the negative vibes in this room. What are you two fighting about?

GJoey&Joey: Porn.

Phoebe: Ohhhhh-kay.

Joey: So what's up with you, Pheebs?

Phoebe: Aw. Dave's over at Mon's. That's why Chandler's so upset.

Joey: Ohhh. [He turns to GJoey.] See? I told you he was gay.

Phoebe: No, no. He's upset because he's still in love-with Monica.

Joey: Ohhh. I get it. And since Dave is there...gee, Phoebe, don't make things so cryptic all the time. Sheesh!

GJoey: Oh, what are you reading, Phoebe?

Phoebe: Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie.

Joey: Hm. Never heard of it. "Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie." Kind of a long title, isn't it? Who's it by?

Phoebe: Agatha Christie!

Joey: Sheesh, kinda stupid to include your name in the title, isn't it?

GJoey: No kidding.

Phoebe: Okay, now all I'm getting are stupid vibes. Bye. [Exit Phoebe.]

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel and Ross are still unmoved, in the exact same positions as when we left them.]

Ross: Oh my God. What did he mean by that?

Rachel: Mean by-mean by what?

Ross: Things aren't always as they seem...

Rachel: Ohhh, oh that! Well haven't you ever heard that phrase before? It means not always as they seem! Things are sometimes... different than you-believe them to be...?

Ross: But, heh heh, what he was referring to?

Rachel: No, I don't think he was referring to anything. See, Mark likes to coin that phrase a lot. "Hey, Rach." "Hey, Mark. What's up?" "Things aren't always as they seem." See? He does it all the time!

Ross: Really? Really. Really.

Rachel: Um...

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica, Phoebe, and Dave are there. Enter Ross and Rachel.]

Rachel: I don’t know what he meant, Ross!

Ross: Oh, and I’m sure he just said that because!

[Rachel stomps into her room and slams the door. Ross bangs on it.]

Ross: You can’t just end this conversation, Rachel!

Rachel: Just watch me!

Ross: Well, I can’t…I, I, I can’t see you.

[Rachel pokes her head out.]

Rachel: Can you see me now? [Ross nods tentatively.] Just watch me. [She closes the door slowly.]

Monica: What’s going on?

Ross: I don’t know.

[Monica hugs him. Phoebe shrieks and everyone jumps.]

Monica: What is it, Pheebs?

Phoebe: I knew, I knew it! I solved Murder on the Orient Express!

[Phoebe jumps up and dances around and then out of the room.]

Monica: It’s a book.

[Ross nods and they hug again.]

[Scene: Joey and Chandler’s apartment.]

Joey: It’s a channel called PPV.

GJoey: Oh, it’s a Pay-Per-View channel? What about that $250 down payment we sent already?

Joey: No, it’s not that. PPV stands for Pornography Pour Vous. It’s French. The cheapest channel I could find.

Gjoey: Ohh.

Joey: It should be activated by tomorrow. Oh, wait. It’s twelve! Yes!!! [He switches on the tv.] There it is! PPV. Oh yeah.

Gjoey: Ooh, they’re talking about a rendezvous romantique. Sounds like they’re going to have a romantic evening of candlelight and dinner.

Joey: Oh! Ooh. They’re undressing; getting ready for the date. Ew…skipping the date, looks like.

Gjoey: Disgusting!

[Enter Chandler from his room.]

Joey: Hey Chandler. Remember that cute French girl you used to have a crush on? Ask her on a romantic rendezvous and you’re golden!

Chandler: I don’t want to go on a date.

[The Joeys burst out laughing.]

Joey: Oh this is no date, Chandler. This is nooooo date.

Chandler: What are you watching? Oh…oh. How come they’re speaking French?

Gjoey: Because French was the cheapest we could find.

Chandler: You bought this? Man, it’s okay when you get it accidentally, but…that’s just disgusting. [He opens the door.]

Joey: Aw. Where are you going, man? It’s past midnight.

Chandler: Just great. It’s Thanksgiving, the holiday of my recurring nightmare. I’m going to get a beer. Last time I checked, we were out.

Gjoey: When did you last check?

Chandler: Two years ago. Anyway, if it’s not gone by now, it’s definitely moldy by now.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Enter Chandler. The apartment is dark. Enter Dave from Monica’s room.]

Dave: Buddy! What are you doing here?

Chandler: (defensively) I could ask you the same thing!

Dave: And I could answer, only I don’t think you’d be pleased with the reply.

Chandler: …but I won’t!

Dave: So you used to be hooked up with Monica, huh? She told me about all the terrible stuff you did to her. Like writing that book for example. That’s pretty cruel.

Chandler: I didn’t write the book, okay? I just told everyone that!

Dave: And why would you do that? Where did you get the money for the restaurant?

Chandler: (stammering) I-I…

[Enter Monica.]

Monica: Chandler? What are you doing here?

Chandler: Monica. Mon. That book-pure coincidence. I came across it, saw how it would be a good excuse…I never told my mom anything about us. She didn’t even know we were dating! I’m sorry I caused you all that grief! I just didn’t want you to know what I really did to make the money for your restaurant!

Monica: Oh, honey why?

Dave: Hey-

Monica: Shh. Let me hear this, Dave.

Chandler: Because. Because. Because I know how much you want children…

Dave: Man, you can come up with something better than that-

Chandler: It’s true. [He takes a step forward.] What I really did was-was-well, remember that thing Joey did a couple years ago at the university?

[Monica nods tentatively.]

Monica: Oh! Oh, ew…

Chandler: Yup. Well I went a lot and made a lot of money to pay off the loan I got for the restaurant. Part of the tests was-was that other thing that Joey did. I really didn’t realize that would be a part of it or I wouldn’t have gone at all.

[Monica begins to cry.]

Monica: Oh my God. It’s okay. It’s okay. Some girl out there is thankful for you…

Dave: What are you talking about? What’s going on? I’m lost.

Monica: It’s okay, sweetie, forget it. Let’s go.

[Monica takes Dave’s hand and they return to Monica’s room. Monica looks strangely sad. Chandler does too. Instead of getting a beer he goes to the kitchen table and lays his head on it.]

[Scene: Next day. Chandler is gone. Only Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are in the apartment.]

Monica: How could this have happened, Rachel? You mean Mark just appeared out of nowhere and hinted that you two were going out behind Ross’s back?

Rachel: No…I mean yes, oh I don’t know!

Monica: Well were you?

Rachel: No! Monica, honey, I have no idea what he was talking about!

Phoebe: But it sounded like he was implying that?

Rachel: I guess so…

Monica: Well it sounds like it’s Mark who should pay, not you and Ross!

Rachel: You think so?

Monica: Definitely! Now go call that stupid Mark and give him a piece of your mind. Ross did nothing!

Phoebe: That bastard.

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Oh I wasn’t talking about Ross. Or Mark. Just this guy in the book. He just called Monsieur Hercule Poirot "Mr. Perrot."

[Scene: Rachel’s room. If she doesn’t, pretend she has a phone. She’s on her phone.]

Rachel: Mark. Hi! Yeah, it was nice to see you again yesterday. Listen, about what you said…what did you say? You said things aren’t always as they seem.

[Cut to Mark’s apartment.]

Mark: Oh, right, that. Oh. Oh! Oh, I didn’t mean anything by it. Oh no. You don’t mean I was trying to imply…but that’s just silly! You and me, we are not together! Don’t be silly!

[Cut to Rachel.]

Rachel: Obviously I know that, Mark. But Ross doesn’t. How could you say-

Mark: You mean to say Ross doesn’t trust you? What does that say about your relationship?

[Cut to main apartment. Rachel bursts in.]

Rachel: You guys are wrong! Mark meant nothing by saying that! What it really is is that Ross doesn’t trust me!!!

Monica: Did Mark by any chance tell you that, Rach?

Rachel: Well, yeah. But I should have known!

[Phoebe looks up from her book.]

Phoebe: Rachel, Rachel. Ross’s jealousy just shows how much he loves you and cares for you. He doesn’t want to lose you to Mark again.

Rachel: He never lost me to Mark, Phoebe. He lost me to his own egocentric-ego-egocen-dumb attitude!!!

Monica: But Rachel. Listen to me. It’s not worth it to leave Ross because he loves you too much to understand Mark.

Phoebe: Which is pretty much how the rest of us feel, too…

Rachel: (meekly) But…but Mark is my friend-

Monica: That’s okay, honey. Mark can be your friend. But you have to patch things up with Ross.

Rachel: Will-will he listen to me?

Monica: I don’t know. Probably not…

Phoebe: You mean probably not with his ears. But he will with his heart.

Monica: What are you reading now, anyway, Pheebs?

Phoebe: The Murder of Roger Ackroyd. [She turns back to her book, then slowly looks up, disgusted. She flings the book away and jumps up screaming.] EWWWWWW!

Monica: What is it!!!

Phoebe: A person in this book is named Ursula, ohhh, I'm never reading again!!!

[Scene: Joey and Chandler’s apartment.]

Joey: Man, I can’t believe that even the porn didn’t work.

Gjoey: Yeah, we need another plan to cheer Chandler up.

Joey: Well y’know something that cheers any normal guy up-

[Cut to Joey on the phone.]

Joey : Yeah, eleven o’clock should be fine. Oh wait. He has work tomorrow. Better make it ten. [He hangs up.] Okay! We’ve got our hooker! [The Joeys high five each other.]

[Scene: on a street. Rachel and Ross come running from opposite sides of the scene and hug.]

Rachel: I’m so sorry, Ross.

Ross: No, I’m sorry, Rach.

Rachel&Ross: I’ll never hurt you again.

[Scene: outside Chandler and Joey’s apartment. The hooker comes up to the door and knocks. Chandler answers it.]

Hooker: Are you Chandler Bing?

Chandler: Last time I checked.

Hooker: I’m here to give you super-loving…

Chandler: I’ll take the soup.

[Chandler goes back into his apartment.]

Chandler: (screaming) Joey!!!!!!!