[Scene: the hospital waitingroom. A nurse enters from the maternity ward to the waitingroom and walks over to Monica.]
Nurse: Are you Monica Geller?
Monica: Yes...is something wrong?
Nurse: Your friend Phoebe Buffay is having a bit of trouble. her second child came out feet first and wasn't breathing. She needs a bit of moral support.
Monica: Oh my God! Well did you revive him?
Nurse: Yes, and Phoebe is all right too. It's just that she was already a bit upset that the father isn't here, and now she's just, er...having a cow.
Chandler: Man, and it's hard enough to have triplets.
[Chandler and Monica follow the nurse through a door into a hallway.]
Chandler: Oh my God. This is so scary for Pheebs.
Monica: Well you better get ready for when we have kids...
[Chandler's eyes widen and he hangs back. Monica grins at him.]
Monica: I'm just kidding! We just started dating, Chandler.
Chandler: Ohhh.
[Scene: Phoebe's hospital room.]
Phoebe: Where are they? Where are they?
Chandler: No one knows...
Phoebe: Frank Jr. Jr. almost died! What would Frank say? What would he do?
Chandler: Well seeing as he hasn't learned to speak yet...nothing!
Phoebe: I mean Frank Jr., not Frank Jr. Jr. But what can I do???
Monica: It's okay, sweetie, it's all going to be all right. Frank and Alice will turn up...hey wait a
second-did you even call them?
Phoebe: Um...oops.
Monica: Chandler, go phone them!
Chandler imitates Monica: Manler, mememe.
[Monica gives him a hard stare and he hops out the door.]
Phoebe: I'm so scared Mon! What will Frank and Alice think of me? I probably got Frank Jr. Jr. all messed up when I went jogging the other day-
Monica: Shh. Shh. The love you for what you're doing, Pheebs. [She strokes Phoebe's hair.] it's not your fault at all. To the babies, I'm sure you're perfect too.
Phoebe: But...but I'm not their mother. And I'll never get to see them.
[Enter Chandler.]
Chandler: I couldn't get ahold of them-they must be out.
Phoebe: Man! Today is NOT my day.
Monica: But think, Phoebe, it is your day. You don't have to lug around so much weight anymore. You dont' have to worry about how much milk to drink.
Phoebe: I was supposed to worry about that? Oh, man!
[Scene: Lydia's hospital room. Enter Joey and MIllicent.]
Millicent: Mommy!
Lydia: Hi, sweetheart.
Joey: So it's all over?
Lydia: Yup. ALL over. I have nowhere to go now.
Joey: What? You mean Milly was telling the truth?
Lydia: I don't know what she told you, but my jerky boyfriend threw me out of the apartment
yesterday. When I told him my water had broken, he said, "Not another damned kid around here.
It's time you fend for yourself."
Joey: Couldn't he tell that you were going to have another kid?
Lydia: Nope. Not before that. He was an alcoholic, of course, thought I was just getting fat. I sure hope his alcoholism has no effect on little Billy here, though I'm pretty sure it's only passed from
mother to child.
Joey gazes at Billy: He's so beautiful.
Millicent: Yeah...
Lydia: Billy's a girl, you two. You have a baby sister, Milly.
Millicent: Wow...
Joey: Hm...Billy and Milly. Where did that come from?
Lydia: My mother. My sister's names were Millicent and Willamena, God rest their souls-both died ten years ago when a train flipped off the tracks right on to their little bug.
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. But-Willamena doesn't start with a 'b.'
Lydia laughs: Okay, I'm not even going to start to explain that.
Joey: So I guess it's not exactly the happiest day of your life, is it?
Lydia: Actually, yes...yes, it is. I have to beautiful, healthy little girls, and-[Lydia faulters.]
Joey: Not much else than that?
Lydia: Right.
Joey: Tell you what, Lydia, you come and stay with me, until you find another place at least.
Lydia: Well...
Joey: Come on, my roommate won't mind. He can find another place.
Lydia: On such short notice?
Joey: Don't worry about it. He's an easy going guy.
Lydia: Well...I normally wouldn't, but under these circumstances, I mean, there isn't much else I can do.
Joey: It'll be cool, I promise. I'm not a murderer or anything. "The Shining is in my freezer, for Heaven's sake!
[Lydia gives Joey a weird look.]
[Scene: a beach in Greece. Emily and Ross are lying in the sand. Emily whispers something to Ross and he giggles.]
Ross: See, Emmy, this will all work out for the best. We love each other and haven't a care in the world.
[Rachel walks up and Emily rolls her eyes.]
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey, Rach. What have you been up to?
Rachel: Nothin' much. I was actually just taking a nap. Doing all this flying in the past few days has been making me nautious.
Emily looks at Rachel coldly: Then maybe you shouldn't do it.
Rachel: So Ross, I've been thinking. I want to go back to New York early.
Emily; Gee, isn't it too late for that? You were supposed to be there yesterday!
Rachel: Anyway, I was just wondering when you and Emily were planning on leaving.
Ross: Well I thought we'd stay here a couple of weeks. Then we'll go back to London, get married, and then come to New York.
A small boy walks up: Excuse me, Miss Green?
Rachel: Yes? That's me.
Boy: You're wanted on the tellyphone.
Rachel: All right, thank you. [She drops a quarter into his palm and he grins and runs away.] And right after I take this call, I'm going to bookmy flight home for as soon as possible.
[Scene: Intercut with hospital payphone and the phone on the hotel desk.]
Monica: Rach?
Rachel: Monica? Is that you? Why did you do this to me? Put me through this?
Monica: No time for that-Phoebe had her triplets!
Rachel: Oh my God, that's so great! Oh, tell her congratulations for me.
Monica:-AND no one can find Frank and Alice...
Rachel: Oh God, where could they be?
Monica: I don't know! So...how are things going?
Rachel: I already told you! It's hell. Emily told Ross that my room was their room so that I would see them making out when I went in!
Monica: But, um, Rach, wasn't that what you did to Emily in London?
Rachel: Well, yeah, maybe, but mine was an accident. Ross thought I was Emily.
Monica: Listen, Rachel, if you still love Ross, you have to be nice to Emily. The only thing that will drive him away from her is the comparison between your niceness and Emily's meanness. So just promise me you'll do that. Okay?
Rachel grumbles: Okay. Bye, Mon.
Monica: See you sweetie.
[Scene: hospital waiting room. Chandler, Monica, Phoebe and the triplets in a stroller are sitting there waiting for Joey. Chandler glances at his watch and yawns.]
Monica: Pheebs, I'm sure Frank and Alice are just out of the house, but until we find them, you're staying with me.
Phoebe: Oh, thank you, Mon. I was dreading going home by myself. I mean, I wouldn't be completely alone, but my roommate hates babies. She says her baby brother stabbed her once.
Chandler: You have a roommate?
Phoebe: Yeah. She moved in after Grandma died. She knew her from a book club, and Grandma left her her bedroom. Sandra's pretty nice, but...a little cuckoo, if you get my drift.
Chandler: Oh, I know the term pretty well.
Monica: Really, Pheebs, I REALLY don't mind. [Monica gazes happily into space.]
[Enter Joey, Lydia, Milly and Billy.]
Joey: Hey, everyone. Meet Lydia, Millicent, and Willamena Lauderdale.
[Ad-lib hellos.]
Joey: Oh, and by the way, Chandler's moving out and Lydia's going to live with me, bye!
Monica: Hold it, Joey! What in the world are you talking about?
Chandler: Yeah!
Joey: Come on, guys! Her alcoholic boyfriend kicked her out and she has no place to go.
Phoebe: Okay, all of a sudden MY situation seems a whole lot brighter.
[Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, Lydia, the triplets, Willamena and
Millicent are all gathered around.]
Monica: So HOW exactly is this going to work?
Joey: Well I figure Chandler can move in with Ross, Lydia can move in with me, and that's it!
Chandler: Okay, first of all, Ross won't be back for two weeks, and second of all, when he comes back EMILY will be with him-
Joey: Oh, yeah, I forgot, living with her would be hell. Sorry, man.
Chandler:-and THIRD of all, wouldn't it be easier just for me to move across the hall?
Monica's eyes light up: Yeah! That would work well!
Joey: Well what about Rachel?
Monica: Um...well, if all goes according to plan, it WON'T be Emily with Ross, it will be
Rachel, by the time they get back from Greece.
Lydia stands: I have something to say: Everyone, it's so nice of you to do this for me. I mean, you shouldn't go to all the trouble. Maybe I should just-
Monica jumps up and sits Lydia down again: Oh, no no no no no no no, it's no trouble at all! NO trouble at all!
Lydia: Well if you insist...
Chandler: We insist! We insist!
Phoebe: Wow, I wish I had known you guys when I lived on the streets. Maybe I wouldn't have
lived on the streets so long then. You guys are so nice!
Chandler: Well, I personally see humanity as-
Monica leans toward Chandler and whispers: Tone it down a bit.
[Chandler nods.]
[Scene: a street in Greece. Rachel is shopping She spots a couple walking towards her.]
One of the people: Look! It's Phoebe's friend!
Both of the people: Hey! Hey!
[Rachel waves at them reluctantly before realizing who it is.]
Rachel: Oh my God! Alice! Frank! What in the name of Heaven are you DOING here?
Frank: Well...Alice's sister is married to a millionaire, you know...so as kind of a late wedding
present, she sent us to Greece. She's so nice...
Rachel: Oh my God, are you crazy? Are you aware that your triplets were born today, just a few hours ago???
Alice: No, we did NOT know that.
Frank: Yes! I'm a father!
Alice: Oh thank goodness our flight out of here is tomorrow morning! Ohhh, Frank, we missed the birth of our children! Ooh, I knew my sister was always out to get me!
Rachel: Hey, I'm our of here tomorrow morning, too. Listen, call Phoebe, and if she's not home, call this number. [She hands them a piece of paper.] She'll probably be there.
[Scene: the hotel. Ross is waiting for Rachel when she arrives.]
Ross: Rach-
Rachel: Phoebe had her babies! And no on eoculd find Frank and Alice, and it turned out that
Alice's sister sent them HERE as a wedding gift and I just bumped into them! And their flight is the same one as mine!
Ross: Yeah, great about all that stuff, but about that flight? When is it?
Rachel: Tomorrow morning. Why?
Ross: Cos Emily and I discussed it and we're coming back with you. Emily said there's no point in going back to London because Montgomery Hall is demolished by now, and she thinks it will bring back horrible memories. What could she have meant by that?
Rachel: Hm, I have no clue, Ross. But, Ross, don't do that. Don't end your vacation early because of me. I'm sorry I'm here, but it has nothing to do with you...
Ross: No, Rachel, really. Emily wants to come back.
Rachel: But why? Don't you want to stay in Greece?
Ross: Well I kind of do. We haven't seen the sights yet. But, it's just that, wel, Emily wants to keep an eye on you.
Rachel: (angrily at first) Oh my God! (sweetly) Oh my God! That is just so nice of her, you know, wanting to make sure I'm safe on my flight home and everything! Ohhh, she is just the sweetest cookie I've ever met. Oh! Except Phoebe's oatmeal-raising cookies. You should try those-you'll fall in love, I swear!
Ross: That's so good of you Rachel, I thought you'd be mad.
Chandler: Where's Phoebe?
Monica: I know. But it's worth it to be with you.
Chandler giggles: Really?
Monica: Really.
[Scene: Joey's apartment.]
Lydia: So, Phoebe, do YOU know why Joey has a copy of The Shining in his freezer?
Phoebe: No, but I do know that he put a copy of Little Women in Monica's freezer. She got so mad because he put it on a loaf of bread.
Lydia: Hm! Weird...
Phoebe: He's a sweetie, though, you'll like living here.
[Monica rolls her eyes and hops impatiently on the spot as phoebe leaves.]
Lydia: Anxious to get to sleep?
Monica: It's been a long day, you know.
Lydia: I know what you mean.
Monica: Oh, Lydia, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so selfish. Your day has been much rougher than
mine.
Lydia: Don't worry about it.
Monica: Thanks.
[Enter Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Frank and Alice are in Greece! Rachel found them. They're coming back tomorrow
morning! Isn't that great? Oh, and by the way, they said Rachel is on the same flight as them!
Isn't that cool?
Monica: Oh my...oh great! Great! But, um, Pheebs, why wouldn't they tell you?
Phoebe: I dont' know. Does it matter?
Monica: I guess not! Bye!
[Monica runs out of the room. Enter Joey.]
Joey: Hey, Pheebs, since you're already here do you want to stay here overnight?
Phoebe: No. At least there's a couch at Monica's.
Joey: okay, if you're sure. So Lydia, in there is Chandler's room.
Lydia: Thanks.
[Enter Monica lugging a crib behind her.]
Monica: I forgot about this. The babies can sleep in it together.
Joey: Why do YOU have a baby crib, Mon?
Monica turns to go: Hey, you can't blame a girl for wishing. Oh, and by the way, there are somet maternity clothes in there too if you need them...I like to see how they look on me.
[Exit Monica.]
[Scene: next evening in Monica's apartment. Everyone is eating pizza.]
Monica whispers to Chandler: Oh, I don't know what to do! She's going to be home soon, and-
[Enter Rachel, Frank, and Alice.]
Monica: Rach! Oh, how are you?
Rachel: Ross and Emily came back with me.
Frank: Where are they? Where are they? Where are they?
Rachel: Over at Ross's apartment, remember?
Alice: THE BABIES!
Phoebe: Over in Joey's apartment. Come on!
[Scene: Joey's apartment.]
Alice: How...how come there are four babies?
Phoebe: Oh...one of them is Lydia's. (shouting) Lydia!
[Enter Lydia.]
Lydia: What is it?
Phoebe: Um...which one is Billy?
[Scene: Monica's apartment.]
Rachel: I just want to sleep now.
[Rachel goes into her room. Chandler and Monica glance at each other nervously. Enter Lydia
with Billy. Enter Rachel from her room.]
Rachel: What the hell happened go my room? [She spots Lydia and screams.] Who are you? What's going on here?
Lydia: Um...I'm Lydia...
Monica: Yeah, I kinda forgot Rach, but you don't live here anymore.
Rachel: Excuse me? Did I just hear you say something?
Monica giggles nervously: Can we talk to you for a minute on the balcony, Rachel?
[Rachel follows Monica and Chandler to the balcony.]
Rachel: WHAT'S going on around here?
Chandler: Joey invited that Lydia to move in with him because she had a kid yesterday and her
drunken boyfriend kicked her out of the apartment. Therefore, I had to move out. And I moved into your room.
Monica: Okay, listen, Rachel, you can live here and so can Chandler. We'll move a cot into my room-
Rachel: I don't WANT to sleep on a cot!
Monica: But no one will be sleeping on it. We'll just pretend.
Rachel: Where does that leave me?
[Monica and Chandler glance at each other. Chandler nods.]
Monica: Um...in London, Chandler and I...got together. So...we'll share my room and you'll keep your room. We'll just tell everyone that you are in my room and Chandler's in your room, cos, um...we dont' actually want anyone to know about us.
Rachel: Um, could you back up to that part about London?
Chandler: Look there's Ross and Emily!
[Ross waves from his apartment.]
Rachel: About-
[Monica slaps her hand over Rachel's mouth.]
Monica: See you later Ross!