The One With the Dog

[Scene: the hallway between the apartments. Joey and Joey are returning from what seems to be a date. They open the door. What they DON'T see is that a dog has followed them up the stairs and sneaks into the apartment. Cut to inside apartment. The dog hides under the foosball table. The duck comes quacking by and the dog backs away from it, frightened. The duck sniffs all around the dog then curls up beside it. The dog accepts the duck's presence and lies down as well. The Joeys still don't notice the dog. They're too, uh, busy. Well there's no punchline here because Chandler's not here to make one. So on to the next scene.]


[Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment. The Joeys are gone. We hear a strange monotonous panting noise (oh well, so WE know what it is) Chandler comes out of his bedroom.]

CHAN: Sounds like Monica's vacuum went haywire again. [He glances at the clock. It is 3:28.] Oops. I'm wrong. 3:30 is dusting time. [He looks all around him.] What IS that noise??? [He spots a trail of clothes leading to Joey's room. He nods.] Oh.

[He looks disgusted but still searches for the noise-maker. He spots the dog and screaming, jumps in the air. He runs out of the apartment. Cut to hallway. Chandler bangs on Monica and Rachel's door.]

CHAN: Monica! Lemme in, lemme in!

MNCA: (from within, tiredly) Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin.

[Chandler laughs.]

CHAN: You don't have chin hai-let me in!!!

[Monica opens the door.]

MNCA: What is it this time? If this is to plot breaking up Joey and Joey again...

CHAN: (shouting) There's a dog in my apartment! There's a DOG in my apartment!

MNCA: You expect me to believe that after the time you woke me up crying "Wolf! Wolf!"?

CHAN: (explaining) That wasn't me. See, Joey, my sister that is-

MNCA: Save it. What really made you get me up at this ungodly hour.

CHAN: Well I thought you'd be up dusting.

[They both glance at a rag in her hand which Monica quickly hides behind her back with a nervous grin. Rachel comes out of her room yawning.]

RACH: What's going on here? Some people are trying to sleep.

CHAN: Yeah, well I was trying to sleep, too, before this stupid dog in my apartment wakes me up with all this panting!

RACH: A dog? Yeah right. After that "Wolf" incident...

CHAN: THAT WASN'T ME!!! There's a dog in my apartment keeping me awake!

MNCA: And there's a dog in our apartment keeping us awake! Now get lost!

CHAN: You gotta believe me!

[Suddenly Joey and Joey come rushing out of their apartment.]

JOEY: A dog! There's a dog in there!

CHAN: Thank you!

MNCA: Really?

GJOEY: Not only that, you guys. I think you better come take a look.

[Joey leads them all back into the apartment. They all gather around the foosball table.]

MNCA&RACH: Awwwwww!!! [Monica begins to cry. Joey B. hugs her.]

JOEY: Eww, Phoebe was right. They DO eat the placentae!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, the next morning. The Joeys and Chandler are carrying the dog into the apartment.]

JOEY: Man, she's heavy!

CHAN: Kind of reminds me of Monic-[Monica gives him a look]-ah, does anyone have the time?

[Rachel and Monica are leaning over a box with a heat lamp hanging over it, oohing and ahhing.]

MNCA: Oh, I love them, I love them, I love them! But I still don't understand why we have to bring the puppies into MY

GJOEY: Hey, you asked for them. You're like, "I wish I had puppies." Well just call us your lucky stars.

RACH: Oh, come on, Mon, this'll be fun!

MNCA: And who exactly has time to look after them? I'm working full time at Monica's Place and you're full time at the museum!

GJOEY: Joey and I will take care of them.

[Chandler snorts.]

CHAN: Yeah right.

JOEY: What do you mean by that?

CHAN: Well, you know, when we leave you two alone...

GJOEY: Now I resent that.

CHAN: How do you explain the panting I heard BEFORE we got the dog?

[The Joeys look at each other guiltily.]

MNCA: Ew! If that's the case, you'd BETTER move the puppies back into your apartment.

JOEY: No, it's okay. We'll take shifts so we're never together.

RACH: (laughing) Of course, of course. Mon, don't worry about it. You let Phoebe and Jeffrey-oops!

MNCA: WHAT? Chandler, get Phoebe on the phone.

CHAN: Huh?


[Scene: inside Monica's Place. Phoebe and Jeffrey are sitting at the counter talking to Monica.]

PHOE: Ooh ooh, this is so exciting! Can I get a puppy?

MNCA: Well I don't know, Pheebs. We need to find the owner of the dog. They'll have to take the puppies. None of them
belong to us.

JEFF: In our last life, Kathryn-I mean Phoebe-and I had one dog. Anymore and we'd have gone bankrupt. It was a poodle-sheltie cross. The children loved him so much...

PHOE: I remember...we scrimped and saved to get him a license. His name was Oscar, wasn't it.

JEFF: Yeah.[They kiss and Monica's lip curls in disgust.]

MNCA: By the way, Pheebs, Rachel let something slip to me this morning...

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Ross and Chandler are there. Enter Monica and Phoebe.]

MNCA: I SWEAR I would have punched your lights out if it weren't for the customers.

PHOE: Sorry, Mon. I'll never do it again.

RACH: I see you got Phoebe in trouble, Mon.

MNCA: Oh, yeah. Hey, are Joey and Joey with the puppies?

ROSS: Yup.

MNCA: I wonder how they're doing.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Joey are making out on the couch. Joey B. pulls away.]

GJOEY: Um, I'm going to check on the puppies.

JOEY: I guess you should. Yeah, it's been about an hour.

[Joey B. checks her watch. Her eyes widen.]

GJOEY: Um, only if an hour is all day. [She runs to the box. Five puppies are drinking from their mother. Two are sleeping
soundly.] You know, it really is a miracle that they're here. I mean, one day there's just the seven of us dumb ol' humans hangin' out, drinking coffee, the next, there's seven baby puppies curled up with their mother in the same room as us.

JOEY: You're right. I totally agree.

GJOEY: Hmm. [She looks thoughtfully at the dog.] I think we ought to name her

JOEY: Ah, but we're assuming this dog is a female...

GJOEY: Joey, it just gave birth to seven pups. I'm PRETTY sure it's a female.

JOEY: Oh yeah. Well what should we name her?

GJOEY: I don't know. She seemed to like foosball. So how about foosy or something?

JOEY: Nah, that's too conventional. [Joey B. looks at him strangely.] We need an absolutely wild name.

GJOEY: Hey, have you seen Cats?

JOEY: Well, where I grew up we didn't have too many of those. But once Phoebe found a cat outside Central Perk which she
was convinced her mother was reincarnated into...

GJOEY: No, I mean the Broadway show Cats.

JOEY: Oh. No.

GJOEY: Well there's lots of cool names in there for pets. How about Demeter? Or Grisabella? Or Rumpleteazer?

JOEY: Or how about Asparagus?

GJOEY: So you HAVE seen Cats.

JOEY: No, I just thought that was a really cool name.

[Cut to later. The rest of the gang is there.]

RACH: (bored) Don't the puppies DO anything?

MNCA: It'll be a while before they can actually run around and stuff, Rach.

GJOEY: Oh, guys, guess what. We named the mother today.

JOEY: Oh yeah. We forgot to tell you!

PHOE: Well, what did you name her?

GJOEY: Rover-

ROSS: Rover? How unoriginal can you get?

GJOEY: No. Rover-Ann. Now how about that?

MNCA: Ugh.

RACH: That is CRUEL.

[The dog hides her face under her paws.]

JOEY: All right, all right. Well what do YOU suggest?

[Monica grabs her baby name book from the table.]

MNCA: I'm sure THIS will help. Okay, well how about Alyssa? Or Amy? Belinda? Maybe Candy?

PHOE: Candy is DEFINITELY out. Dogs can't eat candy, so it's not fair to name her Candy.

CHAN: Right...I think.

[Suddenly Monica stops at a page. She giggles.]

MNCA: Hey, did anyone here know that Chandler is also a girl's name?

[Everyone bursts out laughing.]

CHAN: (to Monica) Some things are better kept to yourself...

PHOE: Hey! I know. The next word any of us sees will be her name. Kay?

RACH: Oh, I see one! [She points to a magazine on the table.] "How to Keep Your House Clean Without Going Crazy?" Hey, Mon, you should read that.

MNCA: (through clenched teeth) I did.

ROSS: So that's it? The dog's name is How? [He laughs.] What a stupid name!

GJOEY: (slowly) You know, Ross, it's not that stupid. Like what if it were short for Howette or something?

JOEY: Howette? That still sounds kind of dumb.

RACH: No, I like it. Let's call her that.

MNCA: Wait guys. We're forgetting one thing. This dog has an owner. Someone is missing their pregnant dog.

CHAN: OR, it could be one of those dogs from the other side of the tracks.

PHOE: Look, Mon, it has no dog tags. She's not registered or anything. No one can just claim their dog without proof. How
would we know they were telling the truth without registration?

GJOEY: So? Joey has no dog tags, but he belongs to me.

CHAN: (sarcastically) And my teeth have no dog tags, but they belong to me.

ROSS: I don't know, guys. Someone could be really upset. I think we should at least advertise a bit. If no one replies to the
advertising, then we'll keep her. Agreed?

MNCA: Ross is right. EVERYONE ELSE: (reluctantly) Okay. Agreed.

[A week later. Everyone's there. Rachel is searching through kitchen drawers for something. Joey Bing and Phoebe are looking at the puppies in their box.]

MNCA: Well, no one's answered to the ads.

CHAN: Maybe you should WHISTLE for them, then they'd come.

RACH: Hey, Mon. What is all this?

MNCA: (nervously) What's all what?

[Rachel takes a stack of papers out of the drawer.]

RACH: What's all THIS? I mean all these Found Dog advertisements.

MNCA: Oh, those old things. I keep case of an...emergency...?

ROSS: Monica! You said you were going to put them up on your way to work!

MNCA: Well, I tried. But I just couldn't! I want to keep How! I want to keep the puppies!

CHAN: We can't do that, Mon. You know that.

MNCA: I know I know. But, but...

RACH: What is it, honey?

MNCA: Well it's like the puppies are my own children now. I stay up with them all night. I can't help it. I love them so much.

JOEY: It's going to be hard to say goodbye, Monica. But we'll have to at some time or another.

RACH: The vet's coming tomorrow. He'll tell us how long we can keep the puppies before we have to give them away.

MNCA: You mean we don't have to find the owner?

GJOEY: Chances are the owner doesn't want the puppies. It could very well be that someone abandoned How because she
got pregnant.

MNCA: You could be right. That makes me feel better.

[Ross rolls his eyes.]

ROSS: You guys are always so soft-hearted. And soft-headed! Like when Phoebe found that cat! Just another example of...

[Everyone is staring at him with puppy eyes. How pops her head out of the box and stares at him with sad eyes as well.]

ROSS: All right all right. Go ahead and keep them. But don't go naming the pups! You'll get too attached that way!

[Monica turns her head away trying to be inconspicuous. But she doesn't succeed.]

RACH: Mon...

PHOE: You named them?

MNCA: Well...

ROSS: How could you?

CHAN: Yeah, how could you? I mean, I already had names picked out!

PHOE: Me too!

[Everyone except Ross echoes Phoebe and Chandler. Ross rolls his eyes and shakes his head.]

[A month and a half later. A man and his daughter are in Monica and Rachel's apartment peering into the box. Besides them,
the rest of the gang is there.]

MNCA: (to little girl) Would you look to hold one?

GIRL: There is only one.

[Monica suddenly remembers that they've all been given away except this one. She starts to cry and falls on to the couch sobbing. Phoebe strokes her head sympathetically. Rachel reaches into the box and picks up the remaining puppy. She places it into the little girl's arms.]

RACH: Here you go. [The puppy licks the girl's face. The girl giggles. So does Rachel.] Aw, she loves you.

MAN: She certainly is a nice looking pup, although she's not purebred.

ROSS: Well we're not sure what kind of cross the puppies are. How, their mother, is a cross herself.

MAN: Yes, she looks a bit like a shep, but she's also got a little collie in her as well. That's a beautiful cross.

GIRL: Daddy, can I please have this dog? I love her.

MAN: Well that's what we're here for. Okay. Thanks a lot.

RACH: Thank YOU. [waving to the puppy] Bye Goldie.

[Chandler, Phoebe, Monica and the Joeys all say their next sentence at the same time.]

CHAN: Bye Penny.

PHOE: Bye Sandylion.

MNCA: G-g-g-good bye Penny.

JOEY: See ya, little Pamela.

GJOEY: Bye Rumpleteazer.

[Ross rolls his eyes, but also looks sad. Then, right as the people are about to close the door, he jumps up and rushes over to
the door where he kisses the head of the puppy.]

ROSS: (whispering) 'Love you, Whinnie.


[Central Perk. Only Chandler, Monica, and Joey are about to enter. No one else is there. They have How on a leash with them.]

GNTH: Hold on. No dogs allowed in here.

JOEY: All right. I'll take her back upstairs.

[Monica and Chandler sit down.]

CHAN: Hey, did you notice that we named that last puppy the same name?

MNCA: N-no. You named her Penny too?

CHAN: Yeah. Hey, remember that thing I was talking about a few years back? How if we were both forty and single we would get together?

MNCA: I remember.

CHAN: Well okay. If we have a kid then we'll name her Penny.

MNCA: Now wait a second. Who said we were having a girl? What if I want a boy?

CHAN: It's not like there's a store where you choose what KIND you want, Monica. You get what you get.

[Joey walks in.]

MNCA: Well we'll find out when I have an ultrasound.

CHAN: Hold on there! Ultrasounds have a lot of radiation that can hurt you AND the baby! Forget it! You're not having one!

MNCA: I'm the one having the baby! I'll do as I please!

CHAN: No way! [They continue to argue.]