The One With the Baby Name Book

[Scene: Central Perk. The gang is there minus Monica. Enter Monica. She's holding a little book.]

MNCA: Hey guys! Guess what I've got!

CHAN: Is it contageous?

MNCA: [shooting him a look] No! It's a baby name book! [She sits down next to Rachel.]

ROSS: What are you doing with *that?*

RACH: Not the baby plan again.

JOEY: Aw, man, you skipped the jam plan.

MNCA: no, no. This is just wishful thinking. I know it's stupid, but I'm just thinking about what I want to name my kids.

CHAN: That's cruel! You haven't yet named your children???

MNCA: Chandler, *you* know that if I had children already, you would be the first to know.

PHOE: So this isn't part of a plan? Because if it is, save yourself now. Your plans *suck.*

MNCA: I'm already over my man. [She smiles at Chandler.] We're back to just best friends.

PHOE: Okay. Um, also, just how sick *are* you? Cos I'm not in the mood for being sick just now.


[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's there, just how they were before the credits...] ROSS: Ahem. Um, we have some news.

JOEY: Who's "we?" PHOE: "If you are you and I am I and together we are we, of course it then makes sense to say that they
are he and she. But if you and I and he and she are all in one big bunch, then where are they and who are we and is it time for lunch?"

CHAN: Very nice.

PHOE: Thanks.

ROSS: Well...[glaring at Phoebe] I'm pretty sure that "we" is me and Rachel.

PHOE: Ooh, what's the news?

RACH: [taking Ross's hand] We're together again.

EVERYONE: Really, wow, great, etc.

PHOE: (on the side to Chandler) See I told you they were lobsters. And Joey and Joey are lobsters. And you and Monica are

CHAN: Last time I looked I didn't have any claws.

PHOE: I'm serious. Just you wait.

[Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment. The Joeys are getting ready for a luncheon. Enter Chandler.]

CHAN: Hey, where are you two off two?

GJOEY: We're lunching with the producer of Residence and also some of the other leading actors. I know two of their names...Patsy Something, Something Something.

JOEY: Yeah, I'm pretty nervous about it.What if they think I'm too stupid, or two old for the part? Everyone else is younger
than me.

GJOEY: It doesn't matter! Fred is supposed to be the oldest one, and supposedly he's not too bright either. [Joey T. looks
downcast. Joey B. smiles at him.] But I don't care at all.

JOEY: That's because you're my girlfriend.

[They kiss and Chandler turns away, sticking out his tongue, disgusted.]

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, monica, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross are there. monica has her book out. Everyone is watching her face intently as she reads. Across her solemn face spreads a smile.]

PHOE: What, what is it?

MNCA: (dreamily) This name sounds wonderful. [She points to one and Rachel takes the book from her, reading aloud.]

RACH: Courteney: English. Courtly, courteous. notable name bearer: Courteney Cox. [Author's note: in the book that I got this information from, it really did say, Noteable Name Bearer: Courteney Cox!]

CHAN: man she's hot. I'll have to add her nam to my 5 Famous People List.

ROSS: Aw, she's not so great. She seems too, I dunno, sisterly, I guess.

PHOE: Oh, Monica, can you tell me what my name means? I've always wanted to know.

MNCA: Sure. [She flips to the P section and finds the name.] Here it is, Pheebs. Phoebe: Greek. Bright, radiant. A reference to Apollo, the God of Light.

PHOE: Cool! I've always viewed myself as, you know, a bright-type person.

CHAN: Funny, because I view you as a ...dim-type person. [Phoebe gives him a look.]

PHOE: Thanks.

CHAN: Hey, what's my name mean?

MNCA: [She reads in her head, then giggles.] Chandler: English. Candlestick-maker.

CHAN: That's it??? [He grabs the book.] Great, Phoebe's Apollo, the God of light, and I'm a lowly candlestick-maker.

ROSS: The butcher, the baker, the candlestickmaker...

RACH: Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub...ohh, you really *are* gay.

MNCA: Rach, don't bug *him.* Your name means mother sheep or ewe.

[Chandler starts to baa, then turns the baa into a laugh, then attempts to turn the laugh into an inadvertant cough. Believe me, it's a lot funnier ON TV.]

[Scene: a fancy restaurant. The Joeys are sitting in that little coat-check room where there's a bench, you know.]

JOEY: How will we be able to tell who these people are?

GJOEY: Don't worry, I've seen the producer in pictures.

JOEY: What's her name again?

GJOEY: Cassandra Dekra. Don't be so nervous, Joey. You'll do fine. It's not they can fire you or anything.

JOEY: I'm not so sure. Did you ever stop to wonder why the producer invited the cast out for lunch? maybe she's going to be
checking us out, making sure we're perfect for the job.

[Joey B. ponders this, then her eyes widen.]

GJOEY: Oh, great.

[Enter Cassandra Dekra (CASS), the producer of Residence, followed by four more people, 2 guys, 2 girls. (BEN, CASE, PATS, MICH)]

GJOEY: (to Joey T.) There she is. [They stand and greet Cassandra.] I'm Joey Bing, and this is Joey Tribbiani. [Cassandra looks them up and down, then smiles approvingly.]

CASS: Ah, my Jamie and Fred. You two are perfect for each other. [Joey B. smiles and begins to say something but Joey T. elbows her.] This is Patsy Lovitt, Ben Jensen, Casey Ryland and michelle Olivieri. [They smile and the cast members all exchange salutations.] Better known as Jessica, Dereck, ______, and ______. Well, now that we've all met, shall we eat? [The four actors and CASS enter the main eating rom, but Joey B. holds Joey T. back.]

GJOEY: You see that? She's already acquainted with the other actors. This lunch was only meant for us! - not to scare you or anything. Just watch your step. And suck!

JOEY: You want me to suck? But-

GJOEY: [patting Joey T. on the back as they walk in.] I meant suck *up* Sweetie.

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She's sitting at the table reading. There's a knock at the door. Phoebe gets up and answers it. A guy (who, I must say is a lot better looking than any guy she's ever gone out with) is standing there. (JEFF)]

JEFF: Hi. I'm Jeffrey Avonlee. Are you Kathryn Giles?

PHOE: No. I'm Phoebe Buffay - oh. [ She gets a distant look in her eyes.] Yes, yes. Just kidding. I'm Kathryn Giles.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is playing her guitar. Rachel and Ross are sitting on the couch. Jeffrey is sitting at a nearby table listening to phoebe.]

PHOE: (singing to the tune of Let's Get Together) They got together, yeah, yeah, yeah. I always knew they wou-uld. They got together, once again. It is so happy and goo-ood. [End Phoebe singing. She stands.] Thank you!

[The camera goes the Gunther behind the counter, glaring at Rachel and Ross and grumbling. Jeffrey stands up and applauds.]

JEFF: (to Phoebe) Listen, kathryn, that was just wonderful. Sorry baout this, but I've got to run. It was good seeing you again. [he stands up.] I'll call you. [He leaves after kissing Phoebe on the cheek. Phoebe sits down with a happy sigh.]

RACH: Thanks for the song, Pheebs.

[Phoebe doesn't answer.]

ROSS: Who *was* that guy? And why did he call you Kathryn?

PHOE: His name is (sigh) Jeffrey Avonlee. He comes to my door asking for a Kathryn Giles. I know this is silly, but I'm certain he was looking for me. In my last life, my name *was* kathryn Giles. And I *married* a Jeffrey Avonlee! Coincidence? I think not!

[Ross raises his eyebrows. Rachel reaches over and takes Phoebe's hand.]

RACH: But Pheebs, honey, think about this for a sec. Would his name be the same in this life as it was last life? And how would he track this Kathryn to you? I think it may just be a coincidence of names and a misunderstanding.

PHOE: No way! I never thought for a second that his *real* name is Jeffrey Avonlee. He just once *was* Jeffrey Avonlee. He figured out that I was Kathryn Giles and he just *told* me he's Jeffrey Avonlee!!!

[Ross and Rachel exchange a look.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch looking through the book. How appropriate - if only they were still together. Well you never know...perhaps Phoebe is right...]

CHAN: Okay, what does Ross mean?

MNCA: Ross: Scottish. Red.

CHAN: Hmm. Red Ross. He seems to like to call himself that, but I'd say he's more of a Yellow Ross. how about Joey?

MNCA: Joseph: Jewish. Son of Rach-Rachel's Joey's mom? That's funny!

CHAN: (beat) Hilarious.

[Enter Rachel and Ross.]

MNCA: Well if it isn't the latest pair of lovebirds!

RACH: Actually, Mon, we're not the latest pair of lovebirds. Phoebe and this Jeffrey Avonlee guy are.

MNCA: Oh that's so great for her. She's been pretty down since she found out Gary was a bird assassinator.

ROSS: Oh, no. It's not great at all. He thinks she's someone else. A kathryn Giles or something.

RACH: Yeah. And according to Phoebe, it's okay, because in her last life her name was Kathryn Giles and her husband's name was Jeffrey Avonlee.

MNCA: Uh oh. What are we gonna do about it?

RACH: Nothing I guess. There's really nothing we can do. It's kind of like when she thought her mother was in that cat. It's gonna be difficult to tell her that this Jeffrey guy is *not* her husband.

CHAN: (sarcastically) Well, we could...beat around the bush a bit...

[Scene: the restaurant. The Joeys, Cassandra, and the rest of the actors are sitting around a table eating.]

CASS: So, Joey, how long have you been in the acting business?

[The Joeys both speak at once.]

GJOEY: Oops! Who were you talking to?

CASS: Well, you, actually, but I'd like to know for both of you.

GJOEY: Well, I haven't really done any acting before. [She laughs nervously.] I was once in a school production of - (beat)
Mary Had A Little Lamb.

JOEY: [forgetting where he is] Oh, yeah, you told me about that! You were the lamb, right! [Suddenly realizing where he is.]
Ahem. I mean, you were the, the teacher!

GJOEY: Right, so, um, Joey, why don't you tell Ms. Dekra *your* acting history.

CASS: Yes, well I'd really like to hear about it, but I need to speak to Joey privately.

[Both Joeys stand.]

CASS: I *meant* Joey Tribbiani.

[Joey T. watches Joey B.'s upset face as she plops back down in her chair, but Cassandra pulls him away. Casey Ryland turns to Joey.]

CASE: (seriously) I've been trying to perfect my baa. Could you help me out?

[Cut to Joey and Cassandra.]

CASS: Joey, I've read up on your history. Not very impressive, but you've got potential. I'm worried about your friend, though. I'm not sure she's right for the part.

JOEY: Of, of course she is! She's perfect! (his voice softens) In every way.

CASS: Mm-hm. I'm sure she is. Now I'm positive you'd make the perfect Fred, but Fred and Jamie are quite the couple getting into the first season a bit. There's just one thing I need to good a kisser are you?

JOEY: Um-[He's cut short as Cassandra grabs him and kisses him. Joey is clearly VERY worried.]

CASS: Wow. (seductively) Mm, we'll have to work on that a bit.

[Cassandra is just about to go back to the table when Joey holds her back.]

JOEY: Listen, I don't know if you know this, but Joey is my girlfriend. I love her a lot.'d better back off.

CASS: Hmmm. [Cassandra looks deep in thought.] Well, then, my friend, just remember what I said before. Joey Bing is dispensible. I can drop her at any time because of her lack of acting history. If you don't want your girlfriend to get hurt, then you'd better not complain about what I tell you to do.

[With that, she walks back to the table, self-satisfied. Joey now is EXTREMELY worried.]

JOEY: What's dispensible mean?

[Scene: back at Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe bursts in happily.]

PHOE: Hi everyone!

EVERYONE: Hi, hello, etc.

CHAN: So, uh, Pheebs, how's Jeffrey?

PHOE: (dreamily) Jeffrey? Jeffrey is...perfect.

ROSS: Jeffrey is *not* your husband, Phoebe.

PHOE: I know - but he used to be.

MNCA: NO, Phoebe, he didn't use to be. He's Jeffrey Avonlee looking for a Kathryn Giles!

PHOE: I know, Mon, it happened to *me.* I should be telling *you* the story.

RACH: I think what they're trying to tell you, Pheebs, is that you're *not* Kathryn Giles. You're Phoebe Buffay. You may have once *been* Kathryn Giles, but you're not anymore. There's some poor girl out there waiting for Jeffrey to come to her door,
but he won't, because he thinks that *you're* Kathryn Giles.

PHOE: (refusing to listen to reason) We had seven kids.

[Monica starts crying at that and sobs in Chandler's shoulder (kind of like in The One With the Birth.) Chandler takes the baby name book from her.]

CHAN: What were their names?

PHOE: I was in the middle of an arranged marriage but loved Jeffrey. We ran away together. We were married for 62 years...then he passed away and my daughter Summer moved her family in with me and took care of me...that was the life. The perfect, perfect life.

ROSS: Phoebe! Snap out of it! [She does.]

RACH: Pheebs, that was then. Life was perfect then. Jeffrey is still dead. Kathryn is still dead. But phoebe is alive! Just tell Jeffrey who you really are. It shouldn't matter to him. He seems to love Phoebe.

PHOE: (stammering) Really-really?

RACH: Really, Pheebs. But you can't pretend to be Kathryn Giles for the rest of your life.

PHOE: Oh-okay. I-I guess I'll have to go tell him, right?

[Everyone nods.]

RACH: Do you want me to come?

[Phoebe nods.]

[Scene: the restaurant. Back at the table.]

JOEY: Joey, can - can I talk to you?

[Cassandra raises her eyebrows. Joey Bing stands up and follows Joey T. away.]

GJOEY: What is it?

JOEY: What does dispensible mean?

GJOEY: It means someone that is not really needed, someone that can easily be replaced, I suppose. Why?

JOEY: Uh, no reason.

GJOEY: Is that all?

JOEY: Yes. Um, no!

GJOEY: What then?

JOEY: Um, I don't think we should - we should see each other...ahem...anymore.

[Joey B. stares at him for a moment, then turns and runs. Assume she's gone the washroom. Joey sadly returns to the table.]

CASS: Bravo! What a performance.

JOEY: What do you mean?

BEN: Don't be fooled by Cassandra. When she pulled you away to talk to you, did she perchance - kiss you, or suggest
-ahem- things to you?

JOEY: Yes...

PATS: Ooh, boy. She does that to everyone. Well not *females*, but to every male that is going to be in one of her pictures or sitcoms.

JOEY: B-but why?

MICH: Patsy's wrong. She doesn't do it to everyone. Only to those that she's planning a love story for. She wants to see the
couple at work, if you know what I mean.

JOEY: That's it? That's it?

CASS: That's it.

JOEY: Okay, but I'm not explaining it to her. You'll have to do it.

CASS: Oh, I already have. She knew about it all along! PATS: When you went to the salad bar earlier we all told her what was going to happen. She absolutely loved the idea!

[Joey B. appears, laughing.]

GJOEY: have you told him yet?

MICH: Yeah, we just did.

GJOEY: I wish I had seen it!

[Joey T. glares at her momentarily, then grabs her and kisses her.]

JOEY: That's what you get for doing that to me.

GJOEY: If that's the case, I'll have to do stuff like that more often!


[Scene: Central Perk. The gang is there plus Jeffrey.]

RACH: So it turns out that Jeffrey here was looking for Kathryn Giles because of those personal ads in the paper.

ROSS: And you don't care at all that you met Phoebe instead?

JEFF: Oh no. Phoebe's really cool. And you know, when she told me about how she thought I was her husband from a past life, I got a flashback. I think maybe I *was* her husband from a past life!

[Cut to a flashback of Jeffrey and Phoebe as Jeffrey and Kathryn in their last life.]

[Phoebe is standing in front of a line of seven babies on the floor of a tiny cottage.]

PHOE: Honey, we need more diapers!

JEFF: Coming! [He runs in with a pile of diapers in hand. He runs off.]

PHOE: Honey, we need more bottles!

JEFF: Coming! [He runs in with a bunch of bottles. He runs off.]

PHOE: Honey, we need more eggs!

[Jeffrey staggers in.]

JEFF: Oh, no we don't.