This is a Chandler and Monica fanfic that takes place after TOW the Unagi. "Friends" is the property of Bright, Kauffman, and Crane, not me. Please don't sue me.
(Opening scene: Out on Grove Street, near Central Perk. The two women Ross attacked have him pinned on the ground. A crowd has gathered. A police officer breaks through the crowd.)
COP: What's going on here?
WOMAN1: This weirdo attacked us!
(The officer motions for the women to get off Ross. He pulls Ross up off the ground by the scruff of his neck.)
COP: Is this true?
ROSS: (Very Nervous ... and suddenly in a British accent.) I thought she was my ex-wife!
COP: Yeah. Let's go to the precinct and talk about what exactly you had planned for your ex- wife.
ROSS: But ... Oh, bloody hell!
(Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler is lying on the couch, a grimace on his face. We still can hear Janice singing "My Funny Valentine" in the background.)
CHANDLER: Killing me softly with her song, killing me softly.
(He gets up and shuts off the stereo/boom box. Monica comes out of the bedroom.)
CHANDLER: Thank God, honey. (Smiling.) I knew you couldn't live without the Chan-Chan- Man.
MONICA: Uh, huh. (Holds up a navy blue nightie in front of herself.) Say, honey, do you like this?
CHANDLER: Yeah, I do!
MONICA: So did Richard; he gave it to me.
CHANDLER: That's not funny!
MONICA: It's not meant to be funny. There's a reason why you've never seen it! I threw it in the back of the closet. See, when you break up with someone, you either throw the stuff they gave you in the back of the closet or you pack it up and give it back to them! You don't give it to your new girlfriend!!
CHANDLER: Why didn't you give Richard his stuff back? ... (Freaking out and accusatory) Is it because you still love him? Is that it?
MONICA: Don't be ridiculous. You're being childish.
CHANDLER: Speaking of children, why don't you just admit it? You still love him, and the only reason you're with me is because you want children!
(He sees the hurt look on her face and immediately regrets what he just said. He reaches for her, but she storms out of the room and into the bedroom, slamming the door.)
(Scene: Central Perk. Rachel and Phoebe are still sitting by the window.)
RACHEL: Oh, my God! He's arresting Ross! Do you think we should help him?
PHOEBE: Yes ... No.
PHOEBE: We'll let him rot in jail for a while. Teach him a lesson.
RACHEL: Well, that's kinda mean, don't you think?
PHOEBE: Well, do you want him like jumping out on us, lurking in stairways all the time?
RACHEL: Good point.
(They watch him being hauled away.)
(Scene: Chandler and Monica's. Chandler is
sitting in the barcalounger, head in his hands. Remember how
he looked in TOW Joey's Dirty Day. Monica comes out of the bedroom carrying a box.)
CHANDLER: Oh, so you packed up all his stuff. Great. But don't go give it back to him. No, don't do that. (Smug) Why don't we go throw it down the trash chute and celebrate with a latte at the coffeehouse?
MONICA: Oh, you wouldn't appreciate me throwing it away.
CHANDLER: Yes, I would! (Suddenly realizing.) Why-why wouldn't I?
MONICA: Because it's your stuff. (She throws
the box in his lap and
leaves the apartment.)
CHANDLER: Ouch! In SO many ways. (He gets up and runs out the door after her in. The phone starts to ring.)
(Joey's apartment. He's lying in his chair, cuddling with Hugsy, his bedtime penguin pal.)
JOEY: The one good thing about Chandler moving
out is that we get to spend a lot more time together,
huh. Just you and me. (The phone rings.) Dammit.
JOEY: (He picks it up.) Hello?
ROSS: Thank God you paid your phone bill.
JOEY: Well, I gave up taking dates out to dinner. I just take them to the library. It's free and they think I'm really smart.
ROSS: OK, no time for that, Joey. I'm in jail. You gotta bail me out!
JOEY: Oh, my God! What did you ... Where do you think I have the money to do that?
ROSS: Please. Please find someone who can bail me out.
JOEY: Why didn't you just call Chandler?
ROSS: (A police officer walks by the desk where he's calling from. He picks up the British accent again.) OK, Joey ol' chum. I'll see you when you get down here. (He hangs up. We cut back to Joey who has a mystified look on his face.)
JOEY: He must be drunk.
(Joey rushes over to Chandler and Monica's. Chandler is lying on the couch with his hands over his eyes.)
JOEY: Chandler. Chandler. We've got big problems. Big. (See's Chandler is upset.)
CHANDLER: Not now, Joe. I've got problems of my own.
JOEY: What's wrong?
CHANDLER: Monica broke up with me.
JOEY: Oh, my God! Have all the Gellers gone crazy?
JOEY: What happened?
CHANDLER: I didn't know what to make her
for Valentine's Day, so I gave her this tape of love songs
Janice made me. But I forgot that Janice sings on the tape.
JOEY: Why would you do that? Why didn't you just run your fingernails up and down a chalkboard for her?
CHANDLER: Then she packed up all the stuff I gave her and threw it at me. (He opens the box and starts pulling things out. The earrings I gave her for our 10-month anniversary. The rose I gave her on our first date.The Roll-os.)
JOEY: (Excited) Hey!
(Chandler just looks at him.)
CHANDLER: And ... (He slowly pulls out the blue sweatshirt they stole when they were going to get married in Las Vegas. He starts to cry.)
JOEY: Oh, you're not dead inside. (Chandler just looks at him.)
(Scene: The jail house. Joey comes in.)
JOEY: Hi. I'm here to post bail for my friend. Ross Geller.
COP2: Oh, the British guy.
JOEY: Yeah, OK. Whatever.
COP3: Hey, you look familiar to me. (Realizing) Does the phrase "Hot Girl" mean anything to you?
JOEY: (Grinning) Yeah, it does!
(Scene: The jail house. Ross in a jail cell. They throw Joey in with him.)
JOEY: They arrested me for looking for hot
girls in your building. I do that everywhere! I'm not a
pervert; I'm a guy!
INMATE1: (To another cellmate) The Italian-looking one's mine.
INMATE2: I want the Brit. I love that accent.
JOEY/ROSS : Oh, my god!
ROSS: What are we going to do?
JOEY: Relax. Relax. I called Phoebe and Rachel,
and they're going to come bail us out. I just wish
Chandler was here. We could throw him at them as a diversion.
(Rachel and Phoebe walk up.)
RACHEL: Hey, guys. How's life in the slammer? Made any friends yet?
ROSS: Thank God. Rachel, let us out. This guy has been eyeing me.
RACHEL: Well, you better be Unagi, then.
PHOEBE: Yeah, we're going to let you rot in there!
JOEY: What did I ever do to you?
PHOEBE: You just ... you ... I don't know. Maybe we could just bail Joey out.
ROSS: No, you gotta bail me out please. They're going to deport me.
RACHEL: What? All right. All right. But you guys are going to owe us some slave time!
JOEY: (Sexy voice) What kind of slave time?
RACHEL: Not that! Cleaning the bathroom. Running errands. Painting our toenails.
JOEY: I'm not going to do that!
INMATE2: (comes up behind Joey and says to Joey) How you doin'?
JOEY: How many coats?
(Scene: Joey's apartment. He's ironing a dress for Phoebe. Monica comes in. She's a wreck and looks as if she hasn't slept in days.)
MONICA: Joey, can you do me a favor? Can
you take Chandler out somewhere so I can pick up my
toothbrush and some clothes? No strip clubs or anything, OK?
JOEY: You're really breaking up, huh?
MONICA: I'm afraid so.
JOEY: Well, I bought this for you guys when
you first moved in together, but I was kinda of saving it.
(He reaches into a kitchen cabinet and pulls out a rectangular box. It's wrapped.) I think you could use
MONICA: Joey, I don't want any presents. I've had enough of presents.
(She opens it. It's a sign that says "We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool." She looks up at Joey.)
JOEY: I don't see you with a guy named Hoyt anymore. I only see you with Chandler. And, I think way down deep inside you do, too. (Remember from TOW All the Jam.)
(Monica puts down the sign and walks out. She walks over to her and Chandler's apartment and goes in. Chandler is on the window seat staring out the window.)
CHANDLER: (Stands up and rushes over to her.) Monica, I --
MONICA: (Touches his face) I'm sorry. (She
kisses him and hugs him.) I don't see you as just a guy who can give me
children. Any guy can do that. ... I admit that I do think about
having children with you .. a
lot. But I love you, and I already think of the two of us as a family. That's the difference.
CHANDLER: I've missed you, Roomie. (He holds her close.)
(ENDING: Ross and Joey are cleaning the girl's bathroom. Ross is scrubbing around the bottom of the toilet with his toothbrush. Joey is cleaning the shower.. Joey turns around. He's grinning and holding up a pair of panties that had been drying on the shower rod.)
PHOEBE (off-stage): You better not be touching my underwear, Tribbiani!