Joey: Chandler? What are you doing here? It's three a.m.!!!

Chandler: Um...I'm-helping Monica...?

[Joey folds his arms across his chest.]

Joey: (suspiciously) Helping her with what?

Monica: See Chandler here was helping me decide how to get this stain out of my couch.

Joey: At this ungodly hour???

Monica: Yes. See, I learned in Home Ec long ago that early morning is the best time to get stains out because of the...damp air, and the...

Joey: (smugly) ...humidity...? And the heat? That's a pretty tough combination...

Monica: Oh, SHUT UP, Joey.

Joey: Looks like maybe you invited CHANDLER in for a little lemonade.

Monica: I said shut up...

Chandler: Am I missing something here? Am I ACTUALLY missing something here?

[Monica pushes Chandler out of her way and stalks up to Joey. She pokes Joey in the chest with every word.]

Monica: Listen, Joey, it was you that made that disgusting assumption way back when, and you're bringing it up now...

Joey: (matter-of-factly) Then a year later I found out from Phoebe that you had a crush on me...I don't get why you didn't just go along with it!!

Monica: I had just met you, you-you-you-you...slug!

Joey: So now I'm a slug. Is that it?

Monica: You have no right to come barging into my apartment at three o'clock in the morning, Joey.

Joey: Oh! and Chandler does! Besides, you screamed. I didn't know what was the matter with you!

Monica: I screamed "Phoebe!" All of a sudden your name is Phoebe?

Joey: Yeah! Oh. No...Anyway, what were you doing over here Chandler?

[Both Monica and Chandler start to laugh, then their eyes widen and they shut up.]

Joey: Okay, now I KNOW something's up here. Monica?...and and and Chandler? I don't believe this.

Chandler: Well...good...because it's not true. Nope! not true at all!

A girl's voice calls from Joey and Chandler's apartment seductively: Joey...

Joey: Oh! I gotta go...get back to bed.

Chandler: Great, now I'll never get any sleep.

Monica: Why don't you stay over here, Chandler? You can use Rachel's room.

Chandler: Okay, thanks!

[Joey leaves. Monica and Chandler both hurry into MONICA'S bedroom. Joey pokes his head back in the door.]

Joey: I'm not sure Chandler will be getting any sleep here, either.

[Scene: in an airport at the gate. Rachel and Ross have just gotten off the plane.]

Ross: (repetitively) I just can't believe it. I just can't believe it.

[Rachel holds her head in her hands, frustated, and shakes her head.]

Rachel: Ross, would you please just stop it? I'm tired of listening to you!

Ross: Listen, Rach, Emily is back there in London, or in New York or Lord knows where! And I'm on vacation with you, ohhh, Emily will hate me forever!

Rachel: (muttering) I don't see anything wrong with that. (out loud) Listen, maybe I should just go back to New York. This isn't fair to either you or Emily.

Ross: Oh, Rach. Don't do that! I'm sorry I shouted. You're my friend. It's just as well that you stay and max out on the beach or something. [He takes his credit card out of his wallet.] Here. Take my American Express. Go shopping. Make yourself at home.

Rachel: (rolling her eyes) Hmm, thanks!

Ross: Sorry, Rach, but I've got to find out where Emily is. I need to explain...although I can't! (He hangs his head and shakes it.) God, Rachel, how could this have happened?

Rachel: Ross, whatever you believed happened, that's fine, but...it's not my fault! I didn't switch the tickets or anything. Just so you know. I didn't want to ruin your honeymoon.

Ross: I know, Rachel. It's okay. I'll figure it all out. Now you skedaddle and go shop or whatever. [He walks away toward a desk. Rachel turns sadly and walks toward another desk.]

[Scene: Monica's room. Monica and Chandler are sleeping. A phone beside Monica's bed rings monotonously about ten times. Finally Chandler grabs it.]

Chandler: (mumbling) Hello?

Phoebe: Chandler? What are you doing there? Where's Monica?

[Chandler falters and shoves the phone in Monica's face.]

Monica: Mmm. Hello?

Phoebe: Oh! Monica. You sounded like Chandler for a second there.

Monica: Umm, yeah, I met this guy in London that taught me how to do great impressions.

[Chandler raises his eyebrows at her and she shrugs.]

Phoebe: Hmm, well! Anyway! Guess what! I'm pregnant.

Monica: I know that, Pheebes. That's old news.

Phoebe: Umm, yeah. What I meant was I'm like, really pregnant. Actually, no. I'm not pregnant anymore. No! Umm, I don't know how to describe it. Y'know that thing...where, y'know, like, the babies come out of me?

Monica: (vaguely) Yeah...? Oh my God! [She sits straight up.] I'll be right there.

Phoebe: Um, yeah, thanks, but I'm already at the hospital.

Monica: Phoebe! How did you get there?

[Scene goes to Phoebe lying in a hospital bed talking on the phone.]

Phoebe: I took the cab. I tried to phone you before, but no one answered. Anyway, um, are you gonna come?

Monica: Yes! I'm sorry, Pheebes, I was just, um...kind of busy, I guess.

Phoebe: (slyly) Do you have a guy in there, Mon?

Monica: Um, no...

Phoebe: Yes you do! Someone you met in London?

Monica: You might say that...

Phoebe: Oh, okay-now get your asses over here!

[Scene: at the hospital. Enter Monica, Chandler, and Joey (and a girl, presumably the one that Joey was with) into the waiting room. Alice jumps up off of the couch and runs to them.]

Alice: Oh my goodness, the babies are coming. The babies are coming. (screeching) Oh my God, the babies are coming!!!!!

Monica: It's okay, now calm down. There's no reason to be afraid. All you need is something to keep your mind off it.

Joey: Hey, I know! Monica has a stain on her couch. How would she get it out?

Alice: Oh. Oh dear! This is terrible! Well. What type of stain is it?

Monica: Juice! Red juice! Juuuuuuuuice...

[Chandler pats her on the back.]

Chandler: Yeah, that evil evil juice. Just when you think it's gone, it gets you!

Alice: Well, you'll have to start with some club soda. Then sprinkle a little bit of salt on top. Now, not too much! or the color will come out of the sofa.

Monica: Oh, thank you so much. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Joey: And I bet you don't know what you'd do without Chandler, either...

Monica: Where's Frank?

Alice: He's in the hospital room with Phoebe.

[Frank runs out into the waiting room.]

Frank: I have a baby boy.

[He and Alice run to each other and hug, shrieking.]

Monica: It's n-n-not fair!

[She hangs her head, hiding the tears, and leaves to go to the washroom. Chandler discreetly follows.]

A little girl approaches Joey and tugs on his shirt: Hello.

Joey: Well, hi, little girl.

Little girl: My name is Millicent.

Joey: And my name is-

Little girl: Joey.

Joey: Right. Are you a psychic?

Little girl: I don't know. What's a psychic?

Joey: Um...I'm not sure.

[A woman comes and stands behind Millicent.]

Woman: Joey, hi!

Joey: Lady, hi! Are you psychic?

Woman: I don't know. What's a psychic?

Joey: Um...I'm not sure. And you are?

Woman: Not psychic.

Joey: Your name please.

Woman: Lydia.

Joey: Lydia. Hmm.

[Joey's newest girlfriend comes up behind him.]

Girlfriend: (whining) Joey. I wanna go.

Joey: Yeah, well my friend's having triplets. So we can't right now.

Girlfriend: Fine! I'm leaving then!

[Joey looks stunned that someone would actually give him the brush-off.]

Lydia: Girlfriend troubles?

Joey: How did you know my name?

Lydia: We've met before, I believe, Joey. Millicent is four-and-a-half years old. Kapiche?

Joey: So? Everyone's four-and-a-half at some point in their life. Namely the time when they're...four-and-a-half.

Lydia: You really are slow, aren't you? Hmm...how about this? (yelling right in Joey's face) Celtics Rule!

Joey: Oh! Ohhh. Ha ha ha. You're that Lydia. Nice to see you!

[Lydia hugs Joey.]

Lydia: Yup, long time no see.

Joey: So what are you doing here?

[Lydia points down at her stomach.]

Lydia: Same thing I was doing here four-and-a-half years ago.

Joey: Oh! Well in that case, follow the doctors, follow the doctors!

Lydia: Don't worry. I'm okay. If you're not busy, could you watch Millicent?

Joey: Yeah, sure.

Lydia: You're not here because you're having your own kids, are you?

Joey: I'm not female!

Lydia: But, the other...

Joey: Nope.

Lydia: Oh, okay. See you around then.

Joey: Good luck!

[Exit Lydia.]

[Scene: a quaint Grecian hotel. Rachel is signing in.]

Person behind the desk: You like a room?

Rachel: Yes. Um...actually, I'm here with the Gellers.

Person: Ah, yes! The...new-weddings.

Rachel: Yes, something like that.

Person: They are in honeymoon suite. Where will you sleep?

Rachel: In the bed.

Person: Oh, but even large bed not big enough for three.

Rachel: Do you have a cot?

Person: A cot? What is a cot?

Rachel: A bed that can be moved around. Um...a bed that you can bring into the honeymoon suite that I can sleep in.

Person: Oh! yes. Right away, Miss...

Rachel: Green. Miss Green.

[Scene: airport waiting area. Enter Emily from the gate. Emily flies into Ross's waiting arms.]

Emily: Oh, Ross.

[They just hug for a moment or two.]

Emily: (shouting) What happened, you? Why did you come here-with, with Rachel?

Ross: Now calm down, Emily. There's no reason to get upset. You're here now.

Emily: First you say her name at the altar, then I catch you kissing her, then youcome with her to Greece? What do I have to do to win you Ross? What do I have to do?

[People are staring at Ross and Emily, and giving Ross dirty looks. Ross smiles sheepishly and waves to passers-by.]

Ross: Listen, I don't know how it happened. But when I said her name, I was just surprised to see her there; when I was kissing her, I was in the dark, and thought it was you; when she got your ticket to Greece, well that wasn't my fault! It was Monica who dished out the tickets!

Emily: What I'm wondering, Ross, is why all your friends hate me so much. Monica obviously does. She switched the tickets on purpose! She must have done! And Rachel is trying her hardest to steal you from me, I just know it. And Phoebe wouldn't even come to the wedding, she hates me so much.

Ross: She's in the last stage of pregnancy. It was impossible for her to come.

Emily: (grumbling) She probably just got pregnant so she would not have to go to the trouble to attend.

Ross: No she didn't, she got pregnant because...long story. Emily, honey, let's just go. We'll have a nice vacation. You'll loosen up. Rachel won't be in our way.

[Scene: the honeymoon suite. Rachel, Emily, and Ross are there.]

Ross: (yelling) What?

Rachel: Well, there must have been a slip-up. I have no idea why they thought I was Mrs. Geller! And they must have thought that, if they put me in here!

Ross: Why didn't you do something about it?

Rachel: Oh, well you know, it's a strange, foreign land. How was I supposed to know what to do about it?

Emily: It's all right, Ross. Just go downstairs and warn them of the mix-up. We'll get it straightened out right away.

Ross: I suppose you're right. Okay.

[Exit Ross.]

Rachel: So Emily. How's it going?

Emily: Don't "how's it going" me, Rachel. I know you're trying to steal Ross away from me.

Rachel: Listen, hussy, he was never yours to begin with. No one owns him!

Emily: But he wants to be with me!

Rachel: Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn't. But nevertheless, I'm not trying to steal him from you! I just wanted to tell him that I love him. I thought he ought to know.

Emily: What good would that have done? Then he'd just feel guilty about marrying me. And I know that you arranged this little room mix-up just to be a nuisance.

Rachel: So what if I did? Like it matters now. Ross is going to "straighten it out right away."

Emily: By the end of this vacation, Rachel, you'll be sorry you ever flew to London in the first place. Mark my words.

Rachel: Okay, I mark them "F" for originality, and "C" for attempting to frighten me.

Emily: I don't quite understand you-

[Enter Ross.]

Ross: Okay, Rach, we've got you a room. It's right down the hall, so you needn't feel unsafe or anything.

Rachel: You're too kind, Ross. [She picks up her bags and heads for the door.] Too kind.

[Scene: in the hospital waiting room. Joey is giving Millicent a piggy-back ride. Monica and Chandler are sitting next to each other in waiting room chairs.]

Joey: Whee! Whee!

Millicent: Whee! Whee!

[Joey sets her down on a chair.]

Joey: Coming in for a landing...[he begins to tickle her]...oh no, it's a crash landing!

[Millicent giggles and pushes him away.]

Joey: Whew, I'm tired.

[Joey flops down in the chair beside Millicent. She crawls into his lap.]

Joey: So Millicent...why isn't your daddy here?

Millicent: I don't have a daddy. Mommy told me that I'm not like other babies. I'm specialer cos the stork brought me.

Joey: Ohhh. But I was there when you were born. And-I thought I saw your daddy.

Millicent: You can't have. I don't have one.

Chandler: Or maybe you do, but your mom is too humiliated to tell you...like my dad!

Monica: Your mom is so lucky, Millicent.

Millicent: Why?

Monica: Because she has you...and now she's going to have another son or daughter.

Millicent: Oh. Will that son or daughter be specialer like me? Or will it have a daddy?

Joey: I don't know. I really don’t know.

[Scene: the hotel. Ross, Emily, and Rachel are standing at the top of the stairs.]

Ross: I won’t be happy until you two stop all this bickering. Now hug and make up. Come on!

[Emily and Rachel bitterly hug each other.]

[Cut to the person from the front desk and a chambermaid talking as they walk along.]

Chambermaid: Well I heard that the blond one is their daughter.

Person: No. And they’re so young!

Chambermaid: Oh, yes.

Person: Well that’s nothing to what I heard. I heard that the two women are … how do they say … gay?

[They have reached the bottom of the stairs and see Rachel and Emily hugging at the top.]

Chambermaid: Oh, my.

[The person from the front desk nods gravely.]