[Scene: the interior of a quaintly
restaurant. Monica (very dressed up) is talking to an
older man and woman at a table. Enter Phoebe. She
waves to monica and Monica saunters over, weaving
MNCA: Hi, Pheebs. Thanks for coming.
PHOE: No problem. I was passing
by here on my way to
the dentist anyway, and besides, I *really* have to go
to the loo. [Monica points down a hallway and laughs.]
MNCA: It's right down there.
[Enter a guy pushing a wheelchair.
Inside is Pete in a
PETE: Congratulations, Mon.
[Monica leans down to kiss
him (not like she would kiss Chandler, but you know.
She can't find a place without cast on it, so she
MNCA: Oh, how havae you been?
Made your way to the top
of the Ultimate-Fighting World?
PETE: Not quite. But as soon
as I ditch the cast I'll
be well on my way. Uh, is there a wheelchair wasshroom
here? [Monica points the way.]
MNCA: See you.
[Joey comes running in.]
JOEY: Where's the bathroom?
[He's jumping around and
doesn't even notice for a while that he's talking to
Monica.] Oh, hi Mon.
MNCA: This is not a public
washroom! It's a
restaurant! Why does everyone need to go to the
bathroom??? [The crowd stops and looks at her.] Uh,
complimentary donuts this way, everyone.
[Scene: Chandler's office.
A voice comes through the
SECR: Your boss would like a word with you, Mr. Bing.
CHAN: [in a big-shot type voice] Send him in.
SECR: Make that, your boss
would like a word with you
in his office, Mr. Bing.
CHAN: (sheepishly) Oh. Thanks.
[Scene: in a hallway. Chandler knocks at a door.]
BOSS: (from within) Come in!
[Chandler comes in.
There's a pretty girl standing there next to his
boss's desk. She eyes Chandler as he walks in. He
pretends not to notice. His boss gets up and pats him
on the back.] How ya been, ol' buddy?
CHAN: Um . lousy?
BOSS: (in a bored voice) Fine,
fine! Anyhow, I've got
a bit of a favor to ask of you. This here is my
sister, Tara, and she needs a dadte for tomorrow to my
country club. She always comes along, but it's couples
only and at the moment she's.
CHAN: (nervously) Only half a couple?
BOSS: Right-o! [He slaps Chandler
in that one spot.]
So, what do you say, my man?
CHAN: Um.well actually.
BOSS: Great! Meet her at the
Spring Gardens Country
Club at seven tomorrow. [Tara winks at Chandler as he
heads for the door.]
TARA: I'm looking forward to our date, Chandler.
CHAN: (sarcastically/nervously) So am I, so am I.
[Scene: at the restaurant.
First we see a workman
hanging a sign above the doorway to the bathroom
saying "Washrooms are this way" in bis bold letters.
Camera goes to Phoebe sitting on a stool at the
counter. Monica walks up, taking off an apron.]
PHOE: So where's Chandler?
I thought he'd be here.
After all, he bought this place for you.
MNCA: I don't know. I don't
care. But it's hard not to
think about him when he made my dreams possible.
PHOE: I thought your dream was to have children.
MNCA: I-I.I guess it is.
PHOE: (slyly) Don't worry,
I'm sure he can still make
that dream possible too.
MNCA: I'm not so sure. I don't
think we're getting
PHOE: Oh, shoot. You two are
so perfect for each
other. [pause] So what are you calling this place?
MNCA: Oh. Well for a while
I was thinking of calling
it "The Rest Stop!" But maybe I'll call it Monica's
Place. It's simple and easy to remember.
PHOE: Good idea.
MNCA: Hey, Pheebs, don't you
have to be at a dentist
appointment? [Phoebe glances at her watch.]
PHOE: Yep. In negative twenty minutes.
MNCA: Phoebe! Come on!
PHOE: But someone always dies
when I go to the
MNCA: Trust me, there's nothing
to worry about. Now
get out of here before you scare customers with your
talk of dying.
[Scene: at the place where
Joey auditioned. There is a
crowd of people around a paper on the wall.]
JOEY: There it is!
GJOEY: I can't wait! [She pulls
Joey behind her, but
heh olds his hands against his stomach.]
JOEY: I don't feel so good.
GJOEY: Relax. I'm positive
we both made it, *slave.*
[A guy walks past them sadly.] Yes! [Joey looks at her
strangely.] The more people that didn't make it, the
more of a chance there is that you made it!
JOEY: Oh! Cool. [They hurry to the list.]
GJOEY: Oh! Oh! Here we are!
You're Fred, and I'm . I'm
Jamie. Oh.we did it! [She spontaneously throws her
arms around him and we see Joey T.'s face. He looks,
well - in love.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica,
Rachel, and the Joeys
are hanging out. Phoebe walks in.]
JOEY: Oh, hi Pheebs. How was the dentist?
PHOE: (in a muffled voice) I ha bla cang vedani fafa!
RACH: You.danced naked through a field of corn?
PHOE: Ko! Gie ga sen du a ornogonga!
[Phoebe points at Rachel. Then
she points at her watch
and moves her finger in a counter-clockwise
MNCA: Rachel went back in time to change history!
PHOE: Arrgh. Koo na par ca vanina!
GNTH: She's saying she saw
the person that Rachel
calls Mr. Potato Head. She had to go see Barry!
[Phoebe points at Gunther nodding vigorously.]
MNCA: Oh, honey.why?
RACH: (to Gunther) How did you know that?
GNTH: When you're in love, you know everything.
PHOE: Gie lone go I gut. Eated
ne nanana! [She breaks
down in tears as she speaks and flops onto the couch.
Ross and Rachel jump away.] I ust lone go!!!
MNCA: We need some ice over here, quickly. Go, go, go!
[Scene: The museum that Ross
works at. Ross and Rachel
walk in. They walk over to a door that says employees
[Scene: Cut to lunch time.
Rachel's sitting at a table
with some others. They're laughing and joking around.
There's an empty chair next to Rachel. A person walks
up and goes to sit in the chair.]
RACH: Oh, excuse me, but I'm saving that for Ross.
PERSON: Oh, I don't think he'll
be eating with us. He
always eats with his girlfriend.
RACH: His girlfriend?
PERSON: Yeah, Suzanne. How do you know Ross?
RACH: He's one of my best friends.
We went out once.
He never mentioned to us that he's got a girlfriend.
PERSON: Yeah, well he does.
They do everything
[Just then Ross walks in, with
a girl, Suzanne,
holding onto his arm. Rachel looks shocked.]
ROSS: Hey Rach.
RACH: You gonna eat over here with me?
ROSS: Umm, no I think I'm gonna sit over here.
PERSON: So can I sit here?
[Rachel doesn't answer. She
looks even more shocked
and devastated. She finishes her lunch quickly and
[Scene: Joey and Chandler's
apartment. Joey Bing is
watching tv. Joey T. is in the kitchen making what
appears to be a sandwich.]
JOEY: Please! Baywatch is on
in ten minutes. Can't I
*please* watch it, master?
GJOEY: We'll see. If you finish
my sandwich and clean
up the apartment by then, I may just allow you to
change the channel.
JOEY: Clean the apartment? That's Monica's job!
GJOEY: What do you mean? *Monica*
apartment? God, you must be in so much debt to her!
JOEY: What's debt?
GJOEY: Oh my gosh! Never mind.
By the way, we're all
out of beer.and soda.
JOEY: So? Beer - uh, kills
your braincells. And soda!
Soda has too much asper- too many bubbles. It makes
you burp and makes you sick!
GJOEY: Don't worry about it.
(laughing) I can take
care of myself. Now go get some, slave!
JOEY: I guess I could go get
some from Rachel and
Monica. But they're not home! they're both at work!
Besides, last time Chandler went over there to get
GJOEY: Then go to the store, dodo!
GJOEY: Yeah, you know those
shops that sell clothes
and food and CD's and stuff!?!?!
JOEY: Shops? Oh oh right, those
Right!But...but-what about Baywatch???
GJOEY: Life goes on after baywatch. Now GO!!!!
JOEY: (grumbling) All right.
But you're wrong! Life
*only* goes on after Baywatch. There's no such thing
as life *before* Baywatch!
[Scene: The museum, Ross is
working and Chandler walks
ROSS: Hey Chan, what's up?
CHAN: Um...Ross. I...uh, have a problem.
ROSS: Okay, what is it?
CHAN: I, uh...have a date.
Not with Monica. [He puts
his hands in front of his face to shield himself from
ROSS: You have a what?? What about Monica?
CHAN: Um...I have a date. And
about Mon...she won't be
on it...[he shields his face again.]
ROSS: Well, if it isn't with Monica, I assumed that.
CHAN: Uh...huh. I didn't mean
to get it! It's my
ROSS: You're going out with your boss? So you are gay!
CHAN: No! No! No! His sister.
I'm going out with his
sister. He's making me!
ROSS: Why didn't you just say no?
CHAN: Honestly, I don't know
how I got into it. But I
don't wanna go! Monica will hate me!
ROSS: Now, that I can agree
with you on. She's already
devastated as it is.
You've got to do something!
CHAN: I don't know *that* to
do. If she finds out
about it...[he spots Rachel a few meters away.] What's
she doing here?
ROSS: She works here now.
CHAN: Oh. Why?
ROSS: Didn't you know she got fired?
CHAN: Yeah, but why is she
working here? Isn't that
ROSS: It is now. I'm going
out with someone who works
here. Her name's Suzanne.
CHAN: Way to go man!.In two
ways...it's gonna kill
Rach when she finds out.
Also, you haven't gone out with anyone in ages!
ROSS: Rachel knows. They met at lunch.
CHAN: Wow. So I'm not the only cheater around here.
ROSS: I'm not cheating on Rachel!
We're not going out!
Anyway, all I can say is you need to tell Monica
what's going on.
CHAN: Whatever. Listen, I've
gotta go. You frankly
haven't been that much help.
ROSS: Sorry! I'm not a psychiatrist or whatever!
CHAN: Goodbye, Ross.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's
partment. Rachel walks in
dazed. Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch
(as far away as possible from each other) watching TV.
Phoebe, Joey and Joey are in the kitchen. They all
look up as Rachel enters.]
MNCA: So how was your first day of work?
RACH: Good, good. [She pauses]
Did you guys know that
Ross is going out with Suzanne?
JOEY: He's got a date?
CHAN: Yeah. I went down there today and he told me.
MNCA: When did you learn this?
RACH: Well, at lunch, I was
waiting for him to come in
and had saved him a seat. Some one else came in
instead. They asked to sit in the seat I'd saved and
when I said I had saved it for Ross, he said that Ross
always sits with his girlfriend Suzanne. Then Ross
walked in with a girl. Can you believe this?
PHOE: So, Ross got a date?
RACH: It's even harder to believe
when someone else
[The door opens and Ross and
Suzanne walk in. Everyone
stops talking and turns and looks at them]
MNCA: Well, aren't you going to introduce us?
ROSS: Oh, sorry! Guys this
is Suzanne. Suzanne these
are my friends, Phoebe, Joey, Rachel, Chandler, and
SUZA: You.already said Joey.
ROSS: Oh! I know. Would the
real Joey please stand
up?! [Joey B. and T. both stand up.] See? They're both
SUZA: Oh! How wonderfully curious.
[Rachel and Phoebe exchange looks.]
JOEY/GJOEY: Hi, hey, how are you?
RACH: Oh, hello. (under her
breath) Oh, it's so
wonderfully *curious* that you're dating Ross.
PHOE: Ike a eel u!
SUZA: Hi. We were just stopping
by so I could meet
you. But we've got to go. We're going to that new
Chinese restaurant a few blocks away.
ROSS: Right! Bye.
EVERYBODY: See you.
PHOE: Ee u waita!
RACH: How wonderfully curious to have met you!
GJOEY: Joey, get me a cappucino. And make it quick.
JOEY: Please, please have mercy!
RACH: Er, Monica, can I talk to you for a minute?
MNCA: Sure, why?
RACH: Just come here. [they go into Monica's bedroom.]
MNCA: What is it?
RACH: Have you talked to Chandler lately?
MNCA: Well, the last time we
talked was this morning
in the hallway.
RACH: Did you know that Chandler's
going on a date
MNCA: With me?
RACH: No. His exact words were:
"And about Monica.she
won't be on it."
MNCA: What? I didn't know we
were dating other
people!!! [pause.] Although, this morning when he
walked away it was kind of like.that was it. Kind of
like Rhett when he leaves Scarlett. I sat down and I
said, "I still love you" and I could hear Rhett's
voice in my mind: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a
RACH: Oh, God, sweetie. [She
pulls Monica into a hug
as Monica cries.]
MNCA: But what about you? I should be comforting you!
RACH: Don't worry about me.
There *is* no Rachel and
Ross. But there *is* a Monica and Chandler. You need
[No matter what Rachel says, they're both crying.]
[Scene: the Spring Gardens
Country Club. Chandler is
standing near Doug. Tara walks up.]
TARA: Hi, Chandler. I'm SO glad you came.
CHAN: Oh. Hi, Tara.
TARA: Let's go play some tennis!
CHAN: I love tennis!
TARA: Really! So do I.
CHAN: But I'm not really dressed
for tennis. And
frankly [he looks at her] neither are you.
TARA: Don't worry, we can rent some outfits.
[Scene: the tennis courts.]
CHAN: Okay, it's been a long
time since I've played,
so you'll have to give me some leeway.
TARA: Well, it's been awhile
since I've been here, so
don't worry. I'm out of practice too.
[Chandler serves the ball (or
tries to) and misses it
TARA: That was a *great* shot!
CHAN: No it wasn't. It sucked!
TARA: Oh, I think it was great.
But you may need a
little help. Come here, I'll teach you a little trick.
[Chandler doesn't move so she hops over the net and
walks over to him. Then she puts her arms around him
and helps him hold the racket.] Try holding the racket
CHAN: I don't think so. Step
away from the
CHAN: I mean.er,
TARA: Never mind. You're obviously
not up to tennis,
so let's do something else.
CHAN: I.I wanna go home.
[Tara pats his head.]
TARA: Oh, don't worry, honey. I'll protect you.
[Chandler backs away.]
CHAN: Protect me?
[Tara looks at him thoughtfully.]
TARA: Do you have a girlfriend, Chandler?
CHAN: Yes. Oh wait. No.
TARA: I'm sorry. I'll back
off. Do you want to talk
[Chandler nods in a sad sort of way.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross
and Suzanne are there,
cuddling on the couch. Monica, Rachel and Phoebe walk
MNCA: Ross can I talk to you for a sec? Over here.
ROSS: Sure. [They walk over to the counter.]
MNCA: Ross, did you know that
Chandler went on a date
MNCA: Yes you did! Why didn't you tell me???
ROSS: It's none of my business
what Chandler does. Who
told you that he's on a date, anyway?
ROSS: How did she find out???
MNCA: I don't know but she
said she heard you talking
to Chandler about it!
ROSS: Excuse me. Rachel can I talk to you?
RACH: Sure thing, Ross. [Monica
goes to sit down and
Rachel statnds up and walks over to Ross.] What is it?
ROSS:Why did you tell Monica about Chandler's date?
RACH: How was I supposed to know it was confidential?
ROSS: Usually when two people
are talking, it means
they don't want others to eavesdrop on them! Besides,
you didn't know the whole story! Chandler is taking
out his boss's sister as a favor!
RACH: Well Chandler sure thought it was a date!
ROSS: Doug's sister seemed
to think it was a date,
too. According to Chandler, she was throwing herself
RACH: That's not at all what I heard!
ROSS: I don't care what you
heard. Your ears are too
small and your mouth too big.
[Rachel storms out.]
[Scene: Monica's restaurant.
Monica is standing behind
the counter, wiping up. Enter a guy.]
MNCA: Hi. Um, we've already closed. Sorry.
GUY: Oh. Sorry. [He turns to
leave, then stops.] Hey,
I heard you were the girl in that book, "Candles on
the Floor". Is that true?
[Monica looks sick, and she
drops her head on the
counter, shaking it. The guy shrugs his shoulders and