The One in Las Vegas Part III

 

[Clips from last episode. Starts with Joey singing his hand song, then phoebe getting kicked out, then the part at the chapel where Monica and Chandler are talking, finally with Ross and Rachel running out and Monica and Chandler’s shocked faces.]

[Setting: chapel. Monica and Chandler stare at each other with shocked faces.]

CHAN&MNCA: Oh my God!!!

[Setting: The next morning. Rachel and Ross are lying asleep on a hotel bed. They are still dressed. Ross wakes up and slowly stretches. He spots Rachel.]

ROSS: ‘Morning, Rach! . . . RACHEL???

[Rachel wakes and sits up.]

RACH: What am I doing here?!?!?

ROSS: Good question. [They both exchange looks, then look down at themselves.] Oh, God. What happened? I can’t remember a thing. [He begins to stand up, but then falls back on the bed.] But something tells me that I was *very* drunk. Very, very drunk.

RACH: All I remember is . . . being upset about the drawing. Then my mind goes totally blank.

ROSS: You don’t think we did anything stupid last night, . . . do ya? [They look at each other.]

BOTH: Nah!

RACH: Besides, we still have our clothes on and . . . well I don’t think we would have gotten dressed again. [Just then there is a loud pounding on the door. Rachel tries to get up to answer it, but falls back on to the bed as well.]

RACH: Who’s there?

CHAN (V.O.): Yeah.

ROSS: [rolling his eyes] Yeah who?

CHAN: You don’t have to get excited - [ he opens the door and Chandler and Monica poke their heads in] - it’s only us!

ROSS: What is it?

MNCA: Well? Why did you do it?

ROSS: Do what?

MNCA: You guys don’t remember?

RACH: What are you talking about, Mon?

CHAN: Are you sure you don’t know what we’re talking about?

ROSS: For God’s sakes, know what? [Chandler and Monica look at each other, surprised.]

BOTH: They don’t remember!!!

RACH: Okay, Mon, would youu please tell me, I mean *us*, what’s going on here? You’re scaring me here.

MNCA: Well, last night we were at this Chapel and you’ll never guess who we saw.

ROSS: Okay, let’s play guessing games at this ungodly hour!

CHAN: It’s one o’clock! PM!

RACH: Hold it. Back up to that chapel part. You two what . . . got married?

MNCA: No. We were going to . . . but that’s beside the point. We were sitting there waiting, because a wedding was already going on and then . . .

ROSS&RACH: And then what?!?

CHAN: And then you two came out, calling yourselves Mr. Rachel and Mrs. Ross!

RACH: That’s silly . . . Mr. Rachel. Why -[Everyone gives her a look.] Sorry.

ROSS: So technically what you’re saying is . . . [Ross turns to Rachel, then they both turn to Chandler and Monica.]

ALL: OH MY GOD!!!

[Cut to later.]

ROSS: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay . . .

MNCA: Okay, you’ve GOT to stop doing that.

RACH: Everybody, look! [Chandler, Ross, and Monica all look at where she’s looking, which is at the ceiling.]

CHAN: What’re we looking for?

RACH: If we got married, we should have a marriage certificate, right

ROSS: Right!

RACH: Soooo . . . everybody look! for one!

[For a little while, they all search the room. Rachel is tearing everything apart. Ross is still a little stunned and can’t do much but look under the bed. Monica and Chandler are patiently searching. Chandler opens the minibar door.]

CHAN: Well, well . . . someone was thirsty last night. [He gestures to the empty minibar.]

[Setting: hotel restaurant. The whole gang is there, telling the stories of last night.]

PHOE: Oh, so you guys aren’t married?

ROSS: We don’t think so, we’re going to check today after breakfast at the chapel.

PHOE: Chapel of lo-ove.

JOEY: Hey, what is with you and that lo-ove thing, Pheebes?

PHOE: Kind of like you and the way you can make everything sound disgusting.

JOEY: Oh, you mean like this: chapel of loooove.

PHOE: Exactly!

ROSS: So, Phoebe, I can’t believe you actually got kicked out of the casino.

PHOE: Oohh, I know. It’s not fair! I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was like, you know, walkin’ along, doin’ my little Phoebe-things, when all of a sudden . . . this stupid old hag takes my slot machine! She was the lurker!

CHAN: Maybe you should put a little note on your slot machine like Ross did on his sandwich. "Knock, knock. Who’s there? Phoebe’s slot machine. Phoebe’s slot machine who? Phoebe’s slot machine please don’t take me okay?"

ROSS: Yeah, yeah, we get the point.

JOEY: Or she could use the one that she gave him.

CHAN: Nah, if it got Ross fired, it would definitely get her thrown out.

ROSS: I was on sabbatical!

JOEY: [sideways to Chandler. No one else notices.] I wonder if he was on sabbatical when he slept with Chloe . . ! [Chandler rolls his eyes.]

[Phoebe glances at a clock on the wall.]

PHOE: Oh, I better go, since today’s our last day, I want to be there all day and make some Mon-ney.

JOEY: [He talks in his sick way.] Money. Anyway, would someone please help me today? My hand twin won’t listen to me. I had even made a song. Wanna hear it? [Nobody answers.] Well it goes like this. "This hand is your hand, this hand is . . . oh look, there he is. [Joey jumps up and heads after the guy. Ross and Chandler head after him, leaving Rachel and Monica alone at the table.]

RACH: SO, Mon. Why didn’t you guys get married?

MNCA: Well, you see, I so wanted to, cos I love Chandler more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my whole life. Even more than Richard. But then we saw you and Ross, and well . . . Chandler just wasn’t really ready.

RACH: Oh, Mon. Are you okay?

MNCA: Well, yeah, I guess. I guess that shows that he loves me a lot. I mean, he’s never gone this far with any of his other girlfriends.

[Monica starts to cry and Rachel gives her a hug.]

[Setting: chapel. Ross and Rachel walk in and over to the desk looking nervous. The person at the desk looks up. (why don’t we call this person PERS)]

PERS: Hello, may I help you?

RACH: Hi. Um . . .

ROSS: Uhh . . . well last night we were both pretty drunk and well . . .

RACH: Our friends saw us here and we’re wondering - did we or did we not get married last night.

PERS: Well, what are your names?

RACH: Rachel Geller, I mean Green.

ROSS: And Ross Geller. [The person looks through a book, then looks up at them.]

PERS: It’s not recorded here. It does say that the two of you witnessed a couple of other weddings for other people. That’s probably the only thing that happened.

RACH: Right! Thanks.

[Rachel and Ross sigh in relief. Then they walk a couple steps away from the desk.] R
OSS: Well, that’s a relief. At least I’m not looking at my third divorce.

RACH: Two!

ROSS: Two what?

RACH: That’s two weddings I haven’t been able to go through with. Maybe I’ll never be able to go through with one. I must be like Chandler, afraid of commitment.

ROSS: Um, Rachel. We witnessed other people’s weddings. We didn’t have one of our own.

RACH: Ross, why else would we come here? We must have been planning to go through with it and then like Mon and Chandler, couldn’t.

ROSS: Oh, Rach.

[They hug each other. Both their faces are sad.]

[Setting: at the slot machines. The lurker (LURK) is at one. Phoebe walks up, wearing Joey’s costume hat. It’s covering most of her face.]

PHOE: Excuse me, ma’am, you’re wanted on the phone.

LURK: What phone?

PHOE: Um, a phone. Erm, over at the information desk.

LURK: What information desk?

[Suddenly someone (PERS) bumps into Phoebe accidentally. It knocks her hat off.]

PERS: Oh, I’m terribly sorry. [He picks up her hat, hands it to her, then walks away.]

LURK: You again! I thought you got kicked out!

PHOE: Um, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Er . . . you must be talking about my twin sister, Phoebe. I’m . . . Ursula. Yup, I’m Ursula.

LURK: Buffay? Ursula Buffay?

PHOE: Yes! Have we met before?

LURK: Yes! Don’t you remember? I’m Celia Brinks?

PHOE: Oh - oh right! We met at that . . . thingy!

LURK: Yes, that convention.

PHOE: Right, I remember now.

LURK: So, Ursula, why did you say I was wanted on the phone?

PHOE: Um, right. That. Well, um, you are. LURK: Okay. Well, I guess I better go check it out.

[Phoebe gets an evil glint in her eye. The lurker stands up, still staring at the slot machine. She sits back down.]

LURK: You know what? I’ll just skip it for now. Well, nice seeing you again, Ursula.

[Phoebe smiles weakly, then walks away shaking her head and gritting her teeth.]

[Setting: Chandler and Monica’s room. Monica is lying on the bed staring sadly into space. Chandler walks in.]

CHAN: Hi. [Monica doesn’t acknowledge him.] Hello? Mon?

MNCA: Oh. Hi.

CHAN: You been taking Ross lessons? You sound just like him. [Monica smiles sadly.]

MNCA: We get that from our dad.

[Chandler walks over and sits on the edge of the bed. Monica sits up and scoots over next to him.]

CHAN: So what’s up? It’s our last day here. I thought you’d probably be playing craps.

MNCA: Nope.

CHAN: Oh. Why?

MNCA: I’m . . . tired of it, I guess. I feel like I lost.

CHAN: But you were on a winning streak!

MNCA: Yeah, I guess I was.

CHAN: I’m sorry, Mon.

MNCA: Hmm. About what?

CHAN: You know! Not . . . going through with it.

MNCA: Mm. I’m not sure I was ready anyway.

CHAN: It’s weird. We’ve been to the end of the tunnel now, but then we got shoved back half way. I propose . . . [Monica raises her eyebrows.] . . . that we start at the beginning again.

MNCA: (whispering) Okay. [They hug.] "I’m a single mother with a thirty-year old son."

[Setting: at the casino where Joey’s hand twin works. Joey sidles up and sits down.]

JOEY: So, listen. We’ve really got something here! Together we can practically rule over the television world!

TWIN: Uh-huh. [He turns away.]

JOEY: Because of our hands, we - connect! We totally connect!

TWIN: Listen. I don’t "connect" with anyone. [Phoebe runs up, the helmet covering her eyes. She accidentally bumps into Joey. She removes the helmet.]

PHOE: Oh, Joey. I’m glad it’s you. I need your help! I couldn’t get that lurker away from the slot machine.

JOEY: But how can I help you?

[Phoebe leads Joey away.]

PHOE: Just come with me.

[When Joey looks back, his hand twin is gone. Joey looks down sadly.]

[Setting: at a bar counter at the casino. Rachel is sitting there, very forlorn, over a drink. Joey’s hand twin comes running up, wary of everything around him. (He’s making sure Joey doesn’t spot him.) He hops on the stool beside Rachel. Rachel takes no notice of him.]

TWIN: Ahem. [She still doesn’t notice him.] A-HEM! [She glances up.]

RACH: Oh, hello.

TWIN: Hi. Are you busy?

RACH: Just drowning my tears in a drink.

TWIN: [He examines the drink Rachel’s holding.] Oh. Well, good. Listen, you’re friends with that hand-twinny guy, right?

RACH: You mean, Joey? Yeah, I guess I am. Why?

TWIN: Well, he has this thing going where he thinks . . .

RACH: I’ve heard the story.

TWIN: Oh. Well, I was wondering . . . is there any way I can get rid of him?

RACH: You mean *dispose* of him? Listen, you stay away from Joey. He’s not so bad that he should be murdered! Why . . . security guard!

TWIN: Sh-sh-sh-sh! I don’t mean *murder* him! I just mean get him off of my back! Make him forget about the hand-twin thing.

RACH: Oh, come on. That’s *worse* than murdering him! Joey’s real excited about the hands. He thinks it’s his ticket to fame!

TWIN: Some friend you are! You’re going to *let* him think it’s his ticket to fame? The guy’s nuts!

RACH: Ooh. Well, I suppose you could be right. Well, are your fingerprints the same?

TWIN: I have no idea!

RACH: ‘Cause if they were, we could always burn your fingers. Then they’d be different! [The hand twin stares at Rachel. Rachel smiles slowly.] I’m not serious. Please, just give Joey a chance! He hasn’t been so happy since he was Dr. Drake Remore!

TWIN: Drake . . . Remore? From "Days of Our Lives???"

RACH: Well, yeah. That’s who he was until he fell down that elevator shaft. Sad, isn’t it? The poor guy was eternally wounded! You’re letting him down by ignoring him that way.

TWIN: He - was - Dr. - Drake - Remore? Dr. Drake Remore? Dr. Drake Remore? Dr. Drake Remore!!!!!! [He jumps up.] He was my favourite character! He was the only reason for watching Days of Our Lives! Dr. Drake Remore! I had a chance to meet him! Aaaaaahhhh!

RACH: You still can!

TWIN: Where did he go? Where did he go?

RACH: I don’t know. But it’s your loss if you can’t find him. Now I hope you’ll treat him with a little more respect!

TWIN: [as he walks away] Drake Remore is my god! Of course I’ll respect him. Thank you!!!

RACH: You’re welcome!!! [She spins back toward the bar.] What a freak. [Ross comes up beside Rachel.]

ROSS: Who was that guy?

RACH: Joey’s hand-twin. I sure showed him. It turns out that Dr. Drake Remore is his god and now he *loves* Joey.

ROSS: Whoa. So, Rach. What’s going to happen now?

RACH: Well, I suppose he’ll find Joey, get his autograph and-

ROSS: No. I mean between us.

RACH: Oh. Well, nothing I guess. I guess last night was just . . . you know, one of those nights in Las Vegas. You know, like an impulse buy. You know how you see something you *really* *really* think you want? And it turns out to be useless? It’s like that . . . I - I guess.

ROSS: [He forces a smile.] Mmm. I wouldn’t know. [There’s silence for a few moments. Then Ross jumps up.] Is that what I am to you, Rach? Useless? Admit it, we were both upset that we weren’t really married!

RACH: I know, Ross! But what are we going to do about it? We haven’t gone out for months! I’m not sure I really love you! What do we do if we get married and it doesn’t work out? Everything would be ruined. We can’t do this.

ROSS: Oh. Well, could we at least just give "us" a try? Please? We both want to!

RACH: We can’t. We can’t, we can’t, we can’t. Let’s just try to be friends. Okay?

ROSS: No, it’s not okay.

RACH: Well, Ross, you’ll have to live with it, honey.

ROSS: (to bartender) I’ll have what she’s having.

[Setting: Monica and Chandler’s room.]

MNCA: Oh - my - God.

CHAN: What is it, now?

MNCA: I just remembered - I stole something new last night. Or was it blue?

CHAN: Oh - my - God. Oh well!

MNCA: No, no, I can’t do this. I used to shop lift, and now if I don’t return that thing, I’ll feel like a heel.

CHAN: Oh well! Like they’ll ever miss it, Mon. People probably steal from there all the time!

MNCA: Yeah, well I don’t.

CHAN: You did last night!

MNCA: You made me!

CHAN: I did not!

MNCA: Okay, just a second. If we’re starting this over, how come we’re fighting already? They haven’t even found out yet, and now it’s like we’re fighting about my massages already!

CHAN: Might I ask what you’re talking about?

MNCA: It’s obvious! Last year, in London, only Joey found out about us. This is like our first night together, so no one should know yet! And we weren’t fighting that night!

CHAN: Right. Okay, okay. So we’ll return the shirt.

MNCA: How?

CHAN: I don’t know. We’ll figure something out.

[Setting: in the store where Chandler and Monica stole the new thing (what is it?) Monica pokes her head conspicuously around the corner into the store. No one else is around. She signals to Chandler to hurry up.]

MNCA: The coast is clear. [Chandler tiptoes into sight.] Be careful!

[Chandler tiptoes to the rack where the thing (shirt?) came from. Suddenly a girl who works there pokes her head out from the other side of the rack.]

GIRL: Can I help you, sir?

CHAN: Oh, no. That’s okay. Thanks anyway. [He notices her eyeing the shirt warily, and, thinking quickly, holds it up to his body, pretending to try it on. Then he looks down to see how it looks.]

GIRL: (dryly) That colour is very becoming.

CHAN: (smiling) I think so too. [The girl disappears again behind the rack. Chandler mouths the word "whew." He quickly shoves the shirt on the rack. Then he tiptoes back over to Monica and gives her two thumbs up.]

MNCA: Oh, God. Thanks, honey. I couldn’t have done it without the Chan-Chan-Man.

CHAN: That’s what I’m here for. [The camera shows the girl talking into a phone.]

GIRL: That’s right. He was acting all suspicious-like, and I’m positive he was the one I saw last night. [The camera goes back to the much-loved couple, and they’re going ballistic.]

MNCA: Unfortunately, I’m not sure the Chan-Chan-Man can talk his way outta this one! Let’s go! [Cut to later (actually very soon afterwards) at the check-in desk. Monica and Chandler run up, carrying all their luggage.]

CHAN: We’re checking out. Room 429. [Chandler smiles a bragger-like smile.] The name’s Bing. [The clerk gives him a weird look. Chandler turns to Monica.] You know, that sounded a lot better in my head.

MNCA: What you just said made me realize that last night I almost became Mrs. Chandler *Bing.*

CHAN: Not time to worry about that now. How long does one bill take?

CLERK: Be patient. The larger the bill, the more time it takes to total.

MNCA: What do you mean by that? We stayed here for two nights. How hard can that be to calculate?

CLERK: It also appears that you two had a few little drinks last night. Everything in the bar from room 429 is gone. [Monica grabs the bill from him and examines it.]

MNCA: Ohhh God. We were in room 430! This is *Rachel’s* bill!

[Monica and Chandler notice some guards running for the desk, pointing at them.]

MNCA: No time to explain. Pay the man!

[Chandler slaps his credit card down on the desk and they both run.]

CLERK: You forgot your credit card!

[Monica and Chandler don’t hear him. He hands the card to a nearby guard, and points at Chandler and Monica. She starts to chase them to return the credit card.]

[Setting: the slot machines where the lurker is. Joey walks up and stands over her like a hawk. The lurker turns around suddenly and Joey jumps.]

LURK: May I help you? You! I thought you got thrown out with your blond friend!

JOEY: Er, what blond friend?

LURK: That girl with the long hair. What’s her name again?

JOEY: You mean Phoebe, right? [Suddenly he realizes his mistake and stamps his foot before walking off.]

[Setting: Rachel’s hotel room. She’s throwing all her stuff into a suitcase when Ross walks in. As the scene goes on, they walk down stairs, into the lobby and out side]

ROSS: Hi.

RACH: Hello, Ross.

ROSS: Getting ready to leave, I see. [Rachel tosses the last item, a hairdryer, into her suitcase.]

RACH: Yup. And now I *am* ready. [She attempts to zip up the suitcase, but it’s too full.]

ROSS: Oh, here, let me help you. [He plops down on top of the suitcase while Rachel zips it up.]

RACH: Thanks.

ROSS: No prob. [Rachel attempts to lift her suitcase up, but it’s too heavy. It falls to the ground.] Let me help you with that. [He lifts it up (grunting) and Rachel opens the door for him. They both enter the hall.] So where am I taking this thing?

RACH: To the reception desk, I suppose.

ROSS: You’re going to the airport already?

RACH: I’ve got a cab on its way.

ROSS: Oh . . . well, there’s still a lot of time left and I thought we might be able to - you know, do some serious *gambling.*

RACH: Nah, I’m not in to gambling.

ROSS: Oh . . . oh. Is that why you lost your apartment to Joey and Chandler?

[Rachel suddenly turns to him, making him drop the suitcase, on his toe. He grabs it in pain.]

RACH: That wasn’t my bet, Ross, it was your sisters’. And it’s really none of your business. You were just . . . the game show host.

ROSS: Oh, right. Sorry . . . Welcome to our show - RACHEL-LAND! And heeeere’s today’s returning champion, Rachel Greene. Come on down! Her competitors will be . . . [he spots Joey and Phoebe walking towards them with luggage] Joey Tribbiani and Phoebe Buffay! [Joey and Phoebe exchange a look, Joey shrugging.] Okay, our first question today is - who does Rachel refer to as Mr. Potato Head?

PHOE: Ooh, ooh, I know! Mr. Potato Head!

JOEY: That works. That’s what *I* refer to him as.

ROSS: And you’re both wrong! Now let’s give Rachel a chance!

RACH: (quietly) Barry. [She rolls her eyes.]

ROSS: Right-o! Ten points for Rachel Green!

RACH: I know where you’re going with this, Ross. Take my advice - don’t try to be funny.

[Joey and Phoebe exchange another look, this time a "let’s get out of here" look. And they do.]

PHOE: Umm, we’ll just leave our luggage in the lobby. You’ll still take it with you right Rachel?

RACH: [distracted] Yeah, whatever!

ROSS: Well (he does his little nervous laugh) I thought we were going to be friends. That was a friendly enough game.

RACH: A little too friendly, I might add. Well, here’s a "friend"-ly question for you. Bet you can’t tell me the time, place, and date of our break-up, Mr. We-Were-On-A-Break. ROSS: WE WERE ON A-Bet you I can.

[They are at the front desk and Rachel hands the person her info.]

RACH: Well let’s raise the stakes. Instead of ten points, let’s make it… ROSS: I get it right, you kiss me?

[The person at the desk looks at them funny. She hands Rachel a piece of paper, Rachel signs and she and Ross walk outside]

RACH: Okay, forget it.

ROSS: No, you wanted to raise the stakes, that’s what I’m doing!!

RACH: Fine, then what do I get if you get it wrong?

ROSS: Respect?

RACH: I should hope you already give your friends that, though when you slept with Chloe, I think I realized…

ROSS: [Interrupting her] Okay, why can’t you just forget about Chloe? Why?

RACH: Because it was at the moment that I asked you for a break and you slammed the door without saying a thing, that I realized that… [trails off]

ROSS: Realized what?

RACH: Nothing, nothing at all! As Chandler once said, 100% nothing! So what do I get if I win? [Chandler and Monica run over to them]

CHAN: Did I hear my name?

RACH: Perfect, you guys can be the witness to our little bet!

MNCA: What bet is this?

RACH: Ross decided that he likes to be on game shows, so was asking me questions. I said they were a little too friendly so I asked him one of his "friend"ly questions back.

MNCA: What was the question?

CHAN: Actually guys, we don’t want to know. We have to get going! Right HONEY? [he says the last word forcefully as a female guard runs out the door.]

MNCA: Right! [They jump in their cab, when suddenly, Kathy (the guard) runs to the cab.]

KATH: Chandler? Chandler Bing?!?!?!? [Chandler opens the door slowly and he and Monica peek out. He spots his credit card in her hand. He steps out of the cab]

CHAN: Oh, my credit card. Were safe, Mon. We’re not in trouble. Thanks a lot, Kathy. What are you doing here?

KATH: That’s all the thanks I get?

CHAN: Well, how about . . . it means a lot to me..?

KATH: No way. I was thinking more along the lines of this.

[Kathy begins to kiss him. At the beginning Chandler seems to be into the kiss. But then pulls away when he sees Monica staring at him with a shocked look in her eyes! Monica pulls the door shut to cab and motions to the cab driver to leave. Chandler grabs at the cab door, but misses and watches with his heart breaking as his one true love drives off into the sunset. Ross and Rach stare at Chandler with shocked looks as well. Ross walks over to Chandler]

ROSS: You promised you wouldn’t hurt her. You promised man! [Pulls his arm back like he’s going to punch him, then stops] I can’t do this! I want to soooo much but I can’t!

CHAN: [Nervously] uhhh, good?

[Rachel walks over and punches Chandler in the face. This happens in slow motion, so you can see Chandler go flying backwards against the wall]

ROSS: Thanks Rach!!

[Rachel and Ross jump into a cab and drive off. Chandler is stuck there with a stunned face, not sure what just happened! Scene fades out.]

END CREDITS

[Shows the door to the Casino. Lots of people walk in and out. Then you see Joey pulling Phoebe out the door.]

PHOE: STOP, JOEY STOP IT!!! LET ME GO! I WANT TO KICK SOME LURKER ASS!!!! JOEEEEYYYYY!!!!!!!