[Scene: Joey, Phoebe, Rachel,
Ross, and Monica are
getting off the airplane. Joey stops as the rest go on
to get their luggage. He faces the camera. Shows clips
from last episode as he speaks.]
JOEY: Last time on Friends,
or should I call us
enemies? - Phoebe was mad at me because I dragged her
away from the casino. The whole plane ride back we
were arguing. She even called me a . . . I can't even
remember what she called me. It was mean though! Even
Rachel and Ross were battling it out. Ross won their
little bet but was too chicken to kiss Rachel, even
though that's what he wanted. And Monica, she was off
in a dreamworld. And Chandler's in Las Vegas after
Kathy kissed him! I don't know what's goin' on, but .
. . [camera goes back to Joey and he turns back to
the others.] Hey, Mon! Are you going to make some jam
MNCA: Why would I do that?
JOEY: You know . . . because
jam rhymes with man . . .
hey! No it doesn't!
[Scene: In Monica's bathroom.
She's in her bathrobe
getting ready for bed, brushing her teeth. She's
singing a little ditty quietly so no one hears.]
MNCA: Brush my hair and brush
my teeth. I wish I
looked like Yasmine Bleeth. [She spits and rinses her
mouth. Then she opens the door to find Phoebe and Joey
standing right in front of her. Ross is on the couch
with his feet up on the coffee-table on top of a
magazine, watching a discovery channel program on
PHOE: Y'know, Mon, you're a
pretty good singer, but
you *could* use some song-writing lessons.
MNCA: Speak for yourself. [She
goes over to check her
messages. Joey follows, Phoebe sits on the couch
beside Ross and opens a newspaper.]
JOEY: If you looked like Yasmine
Bleeth I never would
have let Chandler have you, Mon.
MNCA: Ross, can't you turn
the volume down if you must
watch something about mushroom reproductive organs?
ROSS: You mean the hyphae and the septae?
MNCA: I don't know what they're
called, but called you
ROSS: Then there's the coenocytic
hyphae that are
single-celled without septae, but look and act as a
multi-cellular structure because of the plentiful
MNCA: Would you just shut up
about the mushrooms?
There goes the idea of stuffed mushrooms tonight.
PHOE: Gross! Stuffed mushrooms?
Ross, turn up the
volume to get that idea completely *out* of her head!
[MNCA hangs up the phone and starts over to her room.]
MNCA: G'night everybody, I'm
off to-[she notices some
suitcases near the door]Joey, what is your luggage
JOEY: Oh, I haven't been home yet.
ROSS: So you brought your luggage
over *here*? Why?
Why would you do that?
JOEY: It's a secret.
MNCA: Oh, for crying out loud.
Come on, Joe, I'll help
you. [She picks up a couple suitcases and Joey does
the same. They both head out the door. Rachel comes
out of her room.]
RACH: Oh, I thought I heard
voices. What are you two
still doing over here?
PHOE: Well Ross didn't want
to miss this program. And
I, well, I, I used to live here . . .
[Rachel spots the magazine under Ross's feet.]
RACH: Phoebe, will you please
inform Ross that I would
like my magazine.
PHOE: Ross, Rach wants her magazine if you don't mind.
ROSS: Well, Phoebe, you can
tell her that I don't feel
that I owe her anything.
PHOE: Rachel - hey wait a sec,
just tell her. She's
right there. [Ross and Rachel both stare at her.] Oh!
Ohhhhh. Okay. Rachel, he doesn't feel that he owes you
[Monica enters, followed by
Joey. Monica has a dazed
look on her face. She walks slowly over to her
MNCA: (repeatedly) Oh my God. Oh my God.
PHOE: What's with her? [By
now Monica is in her room,
the door shut behind her.]
JOEY: Chandler's anniversary gift.
ROSS: Well come on, what is it?
JOEY: See for yourselves.
ROSS: I don't want to miss this show though!
[Phoebe stands up and drags him to his feet.]
PHOE: Oh, come on.
[The three of them go over
to Joey and Chandler's
apartment. They come back with shocked looks on their
RACH: Oh my God. I can't believe
he would do this for
PHOE: I believe it, but I can't
believe he kissed
Kathy. I can't believe they aren't together anymore.
RACH: I can't believe he would stay in Las Vegas.
PHOE: I can't believe he's not here.
ROSS: I can't believe I didn't want to miss my show.
JOEY: I can't believe you were watching that.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey
is watching Baywatch.
The phone rings four times and Joey doesn't stir. The
message comes on, and then you hear Chandler's voice
on the answering machine.]
CHAN: (V.O.) Joey, I know you're
there, and even
though you're watching Baywatch, pick up the phone.
It's urgent. [Joey doesn't move.] I said "PICK UP THE
PHONE!" [Joey jumps with surprise, then he grabs the
phone. Split screen.]
CHAN: Hi, Joe. Listen, my credit
card's maxed out. I
don't know what to do!
JOEY: Well I can't help you
there, buddy. You're in
Las Vegas, an' I'm in New York! Hey, what's the deal
with that anyway? We're all worried sick about you!
[Shows other room. Monica is sitting at the table,
with a dazed look. Phoebe is carelessly flipping
through a magazine. Rachel is on the phone, chattering
away. Ross is reading a newspaper without a care in
the world. Back to Chandler and Joey, split screen.]
CHAN: Is Ross there?
CHAN: Lemme talk to him. He's
a wee bit more
resourceful than you are.
JOEY: All righty then. [His
eyes are attached to the
tv screen as he disappears. A few seconds later Ross
takes his place.]
ROSS: What do you think you're
doing? First you use
Kathy as a weapon against Joey, now against my
*sister*? One of these days, Bing, you're gonna get
what's coming to you.
CHAN: Yeah, yeah, save it for
when I come home. Come
on Ross, help me here.
ROSS: Sorry, Chan, my only
suggestion is to look up
your father. He's a male hooker or something, isn't
he? He'll have money to spare.
CHAN: Gee, thanks, Ross. Um . . . how's Monica been?
ROSS: Hmph. She's getting along
just fine without you,
if that's what you mean. By the way, we found your
anniversary gift. How in the world did you get money
CHAN: Well if you must know,
I helped my mom with a
ROSS: Ooh, what's it called? What's it called?
CHAN: Arrgh. "Candles on the
Floor." But don't tell
anyone, okay? I don't exactly think they'd like it.
ROSS: Fine, fine. Good luck, ol' pal.
CHAN: Can you put Joey back
on for a sec? [Shows
JOEY: [slowly, his eyes full of wonder] Lifeguards.
ROSS: He's a little busy now.
CHAN: Okay, well here's the
payhpone number for the
motel. 207-555-1119. [Ross writes it down as he
speaks.] If anything happens, call, okay?
ROSS: Sure thing. Bye bye.
[Monica's apartment. Ross enters. Monica looks up.]
MNCA: Is he coming back?
ROSS: I don't know. He's pretty
well stuck there if
he's got no money.
MNCA: Well it serves him right.
PHOE: You don't want him there
- stuck with Kathy - do
MNCA: Nooo. I miss him so much,
but what can I do
about it? He's there and I'm here.
RACH: I hope so much that you
two will stay together,
PHOE: Me too.
ROSS: Here's the number of
the payphone at the motel
he's staying at, Mon. [He hands her the piece of
paper.] You should call him. I think he'll be glad to
hear from you. He sounds pretty down.
MNCA: If he's any less than
pretty down, I'll pound
him into the ground.
PHOE: There you go!
PHOE: Set music to that, and you're good to go!
[Scene: Chandler's motel, the
payphone. Chandler is
flipping through the phonebook. He stops at B.]
CHAN: Bing! Here we go. [mumbling,
as he runs his
finger down the page] Bing, Bing, Bing. Who knew there
would be so many Bings in one phonebook? His name was
Theodore Bing. There's three T. Bings! Oh, man, just
what I need right now. [He opens his hand and counts
the change inside.] I've only got two quarters left.
Well, I guess I've got to try something. [He puts in a
quarter, picks up the phone, and dials a number. It
rings. A girl answers the phone.]
GIRL: (V.O., from the phone) Hello, Bing residents, to
whom would you wish to speak?
CHAN: (V.O., in his head) Whoa,
a girl. I must have
the wrong number!
GIRL: (V.O., from the phone) Excuse me? Hello?
CHAN: Um, I think I must have the wrong number. Sorry.
GIRL: (V.O., from the phone)
Wait a minute, you sound
familiar. Daddy? I thought you were here, at home!
CHAN: Huh? I have no kids!
Well, I guess I've got
nothing to lose. Listen, is there a Theodore Bing
GIRL: (V.O., from the phone)
Sure! I thought I was
*talking* to Theodore Bing! [There's a fumbling on the
other end of the line. A male's voice answers. It's
Theodore Bing. He'll be THEO.]
THEO: Hello? Who's speaking?
CHAN: Um, um, um . . . er -
THEO: Hello? What's wrong? Speak up, I can't hear you!
CHAN: Um, hi. Is this Theodore Bing?
THEO: Yes. What can I help you with? What's your name?
CHAN: Um, is this Theodore *Elliot* Bing?
THEO: Yes! Now what's going on???
CHAN: This is Chandler Bing. [pause] Your son.
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's
there except Rachel.
RACH: Hi, everyone! Guess what I got . . !
PHOE: Okay, it was *extremely*
strange to not hear
Chandler's voice follow that sentence.
RACH: Well, Pheebs, the thing
I've got has to do with
Chandler. [Everyone stares at her expectantly.] Okay,
okay . . . I got the new Nora Bing book!
ROSS: Uh . . . oh. [No one notices.]
JOEY: Oh, what's it called?
[Rachel glances at the
RACH: "Candles on the Floor."
ROSS: Oh nooooooo. [This time
everyone takes notice
and looks up at him.
What? What? I didn't say a thing! [He hides his face
behind his coffee cup.] So Rach, how was, er,
RACH: Hmph. Joey, please inform
Ross that I'm not in
the mood for speaking to him at the moment.
JOEY: He heard. I'm not going
to strain myself if I
don't need to.
MNCA: Rachel, if you read that book, you're history!
PHOE: Mm-mm. That doesn't rhyme.
[Scene: In a motel restaurant.
Chandler is sitting
alone at a table, tapping his foot impatiently. He
glances at his watch. Suddenly a man (THEO) (he's in
his late-fifties) and a girl (not GIRL this time, but
GJOEY) walk in. (The girl is about 18.) A lady (DANA)
follows. (She's in her mid-fifties)]
THEO: [to the girl and lady,
pointing at Chandler]
That's him, I guess. [They walk over to his table.]
Are you Chandler?
CHAN: Mm . . . I don't know! Are you Theodore Bing?
THEO: Yes. Are you Chandler?
CHAN: Yes, I suppose. [His voice is kind of dazed.]
THEO: [It's like he's suddenly
lost his confidence.]
Ahem. Um, Chandler, this is my wife, Dana. And my
daughter, Joey. Joey and Dana, this is my son,
CHAN: [Laughs nervously.] Really!
My roommate's name
is Theodore, I mean Chandler, I mean, Joey, too! What
GJOEY: Yeah, what a coincidence!
[She laughs, but she
isn't nervous.] I can't believe I have a brother! [She
elbows her dad playfully.] How come you never told me?
THEO: Ahem. Ohhhh, I had my reasons.
CHAN: So, what happened? You
married a woman that was
really a man? [Dana gasps.] I thought you were gay!!!!
THEO: Hey, not so loud.
CHAN: I'll be as loud as I
like. You owe me an
explanation, BIG TIME!
THEO: All right. I suppose
you're right. I was having
an affair with Dana. I didn't want to hurt your
mother, ChanChan, I-
CHAN: Don't call me that! Don't
call me that! Never
call me that! It's . . . [in a masculine voice]
THEO: Okay, ChanChanMan. But
anyway, I didn't want to
hurt her. I did love her. But in a different way than
I loved Dana.
CHAN: Where'd you come up with
the *gay* plan???
Reminds me of my gi-ahem, my *friend's* jam plan. Or
baby plan. [They both give him a strange look.] Never
mind. So all these years. I can't believe. I just
can't believe it!
GJOEY: Believe it! I'm here,
right in front of your
CHAN: I didn't ask for your input.
THEO: So what have you been
up to these days,
CHAN: Don't "what's up" me,
Dad. I'll get straight to
the point. I came to you for money. I don't live here.
I came here for my anniversary and now I'm stuck! My
credit card is over the limit!
GJOEY: Who's the lucky girl?
CHAN: [mumbling that you can't hear.]
GJOEY: Oh, I once met her!
Great gal, that is, that
DANA: [to Theodore] Oh, honey,
you sure owe him
something after what you did to your previous family.
CHAN: Uh huh!!! Now this lady, I agree with.
DANA: You're a nice kid. Theo,
how could you have ever
CHAN: Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you! Finally someone
who knows how to act around me!
GJOEY: Oh stay with us! It'll
be so cool to have a
CHAN: Aren't you a little *old*
to be still living
with your parents?
GJOEY: Actually, I'll be going
to New York in a few
days. I'm an actress. I'm auditioning for a sitcom
CHAN: Hey, another coincidence. I live in New York.
DANA: Really. Well, then, I
think we can arrange a
loan for you, Chandler. We can get you a ticket back
to New York on Joey's flight. To tell the truth, I was
a little upset about her going to New York alone. But
this way, you can be with her the whole time!
GJOEY: Oh cool! Could I stay
with you? Then I'd have
like . . . instant friends!
CHAN: Oh, I don't know about
that. But if that's okay,
with dad, that would be great . . .
THEO: It *would* be great!
The flight's in two days.
You'll have to come home with us and stay until then.
Even if it doesn't seem like it, I've always wondered
how you've been doing all these years, Chandler.
CHAN: Thanks. But y'know, now
I can't make any more
jokes about my gay father. I kind of enjoyed that.
THEO: Well, if it makes you
happy, you can pretend
that I'm gay.
CHAN: Thanks, dad! [They kind-of
hug. Then Joey and
Dana join in.]
DANA: We're lucky, Joey. We
get to hug two of the
handsomest, nicest men I've ever met all at once.
CHAN: But dad, if you don't
mind, could I just stay
here? I gave my friends the payphone number in case
they need me. Anyway, I'm not up to moving around all
that much right now.
THEO: That will be all right.
But we'll stay here with
THEO: No buts. I insist. Besides,
we have a lot of
catching up on to do.
CHAN: Okay. Thanks.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's
apartment. Monica is
cooking. Ross is sitting in a chair reading a book.
Rachel comes out of her room holding her book, her
finger stuck half way through it to mark her page.
Ross spots the book and hides his face behind his
RACH: Hey, Mon, I think you
should take a look at
MNCA: What is it? [She dries
her hands on her apron
and comes over to Rachel.]
RACH: I'm not sure. But listen
to this. [She quotes
from the book.] "'Peter takes naked pictures of us,
and he eats chicken soup, and he looks at them!' cried
Ashley." Sound familiar?
MNCA: Vaguely. Hmm.
RACH: Okay, how about this.
[She flips to a later
page.] "'But they don't know that we know they know!'
MNCA: Oh my God! [She covers
her mouth with her hands
and shakes her head.] It can't be! Read something
RACH: Okay. "'You don't think
he saw me, do you?'
Elizabeth said with fear as soon as her brother left."
MNCA: WHAT? Give me that! [She
grabs it from her hand,
reads a passage and throws down the book. Then she
jumps on it.] This is practically our lives!
I don't believe it!!!!!! How could Nora Bing get this
ROSS: Well I don't know . .
. [Rachel and Monica turn
to him and suddenly Monica dives for him.]
MNCA: You know something! What
is it? [She twists his
arm behind his back.]
ROSS: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.
[Monica wrestles him to
MNCA: Prepare to die.
ROSS: Okay, okay! (quickly)
Chandler helped his mom
write that book to get money for your anniversary
[Monica drops his arm and jumps away.]
ROSS: He helped his mom-
MNCA: I heard you! I just can't believe it!
RACH: You mean to say that
this book is actually about
*us*? He's publicizing our lives???
ROSS: He didn't actually tell
me what was in it. When
I asked him how he got the money for Monica's
anniversary gift, he told me he helped his mom write a
book. Then he told me you guys wouldn't like it.
RACH: I still can't believe you didn't tell us!
ROSS: Well, I didn't know what
to do! It was *his*
mistake, not mine!
MNCA: [mumbling] At least you two are talking again.
[Scene: Chandler's motel room.
Chandler is lying on
the bed, doing nothing. Enter Joey. She sits down on
the bed beside him.]
GJOEY: Are you okay, Chandler?
CHAN: I guess so.
GJOEY: It's your anniversary!
Perk up! By the way,
where's your wife?
CHAN: Wife? Oh, oh oh, I see.
You three think I'm
*married.* Well I'm not. I *wish.* It's just my
anniversary with my gir- I mean, my friend.
GJOEY: You and your friends
Wow, you must be sophisticated.
CHAN: Ohhhh, not really! Actually,
I'm not even sure
she's my friend anymore.
GJOEY: Where is she?
CHAN: Back in New York. All
my friends went home. I
GJOEY: *All* your friends came
on your anniversary
CHAN: It's too hard to explain for a man so tired.
GJOEY: So why did you stay?
CHAN: Also a long story.
GJOEY: I've got all the time
in the world - until two
days from now when we fly to New York!
CHAN: Was that a joke?
GJOEY: It was supposed to be
. . . but actually, I
don't think so. So what happened?
CHAN: Okay. My girlfriend and
I came here for our
anniversary, and I bumped into my ex-girlfriend. I
guess *she* was happy to see me all right! She grabbed
me, and she kissed me, and Monica drove off. And flew
back to New York. And Ross almost punched me, but
couldn't, so Rachel did it for him. And then I had to
explain it all to Kathy, my ex. Ohhhhhhhh. How did I
get myself into this?
GJOEY: Sounds like this Rachel is my kinda woman!
CHAN: Oh, her bark is worse
than her bite.
Unfortunately, her punch is worse than her bark. [He
rubs his nose where she punched him.]
GJOEY: Sounds like you have a pretty cool life.
CHAN: I s'pose it would be
okay if my life were a soap
opera. Oh God. All I ever *really* wanted was Monica.
What if she won't forgive me? What if that kiss was
the end? Oh, if only we hadn't even contemplated
getting married. Then none of this would have
GJOEY: Do you want to keep talking about it?
CHAN: I don't know. No. I just
want to talk to her. I
just want her to be here with me. Ross said she found
her anniversary gift. I wonder if that was all a
waste. I hope she still takes it.
GJOEY: What is it?
CHAN: Oh . . . never mind.
It was so special. But now
I feel like a copycat. In fact, that's probably what
she thinks I am. She thinks I'm a heel. She thinks I'm
a cad. She thinks . . .
GJOEY: Don't worry, Chandler.
I'm sure she doesn't
think you're a body part. And I'm absolutely positive
she doesn't think you're a Rhett Butler wanna-be.
CHAN: Y'know, you're pretty
cool for a kid. I'll be
happy to have you stay with us. I just don't know how
I can face everyone. Mon probably hates me, Rachel
probably hates me, and if Monica and Rachel hate me,
Phoebe hates me, too. Ross might be on my side, but,
but . . . he's Monica's brother. He'll never forgive
GJOEY: I'm sure your roommate
will be happy to see
you. I bet they miss you like crazy.
CHAN: Thanks. I know I miss them.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe
is singing a song, while
the rest of the gang is just hanging out on the
couches, chairs, etc.]
PHOE: She left him stranded,
in another land Far away
from here. She wants him back but isn't sure and now
she's full of tears. She brushes her hair, she brushes
her teeth She wishes she looked like Yasmine Bleeth.
But if he's less upset than she, she'll pound
him..........Into the grounnnnnnnnnnnd!