[Scene: Central Perk. The gang is all there (except
Chandler, of course.)]

PHOE: He'll be here any minute, so act non-chalant,
okay everyone?

ROSS: Where exactly did you meet this guy, Pheebs?

PHOE: Oh, I met him before we went to Las Vegas in
this coffee house a few streets away.

RACH: "This *coffee house*???" Pheebs, what were you
doing in another coffee house? What's wrong with
Central Perk?

PHOE: Nothing's *wrong* with it. My friend Lauren and
I were planning to go for coffee, and she suggested
this place. And that's where I met Donovan. He was
there with someone Lauren happened to know, and so we
were introduced.

JOEY: Your *friend* Lauren? You have friends besides
us?

PHOE: Of course! Is that so surprising? Hello? I'm not
Fat Monica from high school!

[Joey, Ross, and Rachel grimace at the comment and
wait for Monica to fight back. They all look at her.
She's just sitting there. She didn't hear what Phoebe
said.]

ROSS: Boy, are you a lucky dog, Pheebs. If she had
heard that, you'd be dead meat.

PHOE: Okay, no. An over-cooked veggie-burger, perhaps,
but never dead meat. Not ever.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene, inside of a plane. Chandler's sitting by the
window and Joey's sitting next to him talking.]
 
GJOEY: So, don't you agree with me?
 
[Chandler doesn't answer]
 
GJOEY: Chandler, Chandler!!!
 
CHAN: Yes Monica?
 
GJOEY: Never mind!!!!
 
Okay, i hope that's okay, because i'm not going to
write more for it. Next Scene, it's the audition
 
[Scene, a big room with a stage at one end. There are
a lot of actors/actresses walking around. We catch a
glimpse of Joey T before we go to the entrance. Joey B
and Chandler are walking in]

CHAN: Wow, i've never been to an audtion before.
 
GJOEY: I thought you said that you're roommate was an
actor.
 
CHAN: He is, i just never went with him to auditons.
 
GJOEY: Okay, well i've got to go and sign in. Why
don't you just sit down at the back. I'll see you in a
few minutes
 
CHAN: Sure!!
 
[GJoey walks away and Chandler heads over to the
seats. He sits down when from behind a voice calls
out.]
 
VOICE: Chandler?
 
[Chandler turns around. Joey 's (T) standing behind
him]
 
JOEY: What are you doing here?
 
CHAN: Well, i ran out of money so i found my dad. I
found out i have a twenty five year old sister and
well, to convince my dad and my stepman to give me
some money, i told them that i'd take care of my
sister when she came out here for an audition.

JOEY: So, where is she?
 
CHAN: She's signing in or something like that. She's
should be here in a minute. [pauses] So how's things
at the apartments. What's everyone like?
 
JOEY: Well, Rachel and Ross are mad at each other,
over something, Phoebe's Phoebe, and Monica, well...
 
CHAN: What? What about Monica?
 
JOEY: She's really depressed man. You've got to talk
to her. Phoebe said something about not being fat like
Monica in high school and Mon didn't even flinch.
You've got to talk to her. Monica hasn't been cooking
lately, so we've all been living on take out and ...
 
[Just then Joey B walks up]
 
GJOEY: Hey Chandler. Who's this?
 
CHAN: Hey. Oh yeah. Joey, this is Joey. [Pause] Oh,
that sounded so weird.
 
JOEY: Who's Joey?
 
CHAN: Okay, Joey [speaking to Joey] this is my sister
Joey. Joey, [talking to his sister] this is my
roommate Joey.
 
GJOEY: Ohh!!! Well, that's confusing. What were you
guys talking about?
 
JOEY: I was telling him that he needs to talk to
Monica. She's been so depressed. Worse then Ross and
THAT, says a lot.
 
[Just then a voice calls out]
 
VOICE: Okay, everyone sit down. We're about to start.
Now as i call your name, please come up to the stage.
 
[cut to later]
 
VOICE: Okay, now can we have Joey Tribianni and Joey
Bing please come up.
 
[Joey and GJoey stand up, surprised to hear them
called together and walk to the stage.]
 
VOICE: Okay, Joey T, you're reading for Dereck,  and
Joey B, you're reading for Jamie. Now this scene is
supposed to be romantic, and happy. Jamie's finally
decided to confess to Dereck that she has more then
platonic feelings for him. Okay, and action.
 
JOEY: Hey Jamie! What'd you want to talk to me about?
 
GJOEY: Well... I don't know how to say this.
 
JOEY: Come one, it's me. You can tell me anything.
 
GJOEY: Okay, if you're sure. Well... you see lately,
i've been having, well, having feelings for you. I've
loved you since we first met, but didn't want to ruin
our friendship. But, the question is, do you?
 
JOEY: You even have to ask? I thought it was obvious.
 
[Joey and GJoey grab each other in a hug, that is
followed by a loonnnggg kiss. Camera moves to
Chandler, the other actors are applauding but Chandler
looks shocked. Sort of like how we all imagined Ross
should have looked when he found out about Chandler
and Monica.]
 
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe
are sitting there drinking coffee.]

PHOE: I still don't understand why he didn't show up.

RACH: It serves you right for having other friends!

PHOE: Hey, this is my life, and my horoscope said I
should make new friends. And it looks like it's right.
You and Ross aren't talking, Chandler and Monica are
broken up, and Joey might get a new job.

[Enter Lauren. (LAUR).]

LAUR: Hi, Phoebe!

PHOE: Where is Donovan, Lauren? He said he'd be here
yesterday!

LAUR: I know, he tried calling you, but you weren't at
home. He has a bad case of the flu.

PHOE: Well, Lauren, this is Ross, Rachel and Monica,
guys, this is Lauren. [Ross and Rachel say hi, but
Monica doesn't do anything.]

RACH: Have we met before?

LAUR: I don't know. You look familiar. Oh, what. Yes.
Yes, that's it. You're the girl that lives across the
hall from Joey Tribbiani. Oh yeah, you three came to
the play!

ROSS: What play?

LAUR: Remember, I was an understudy. I also saw you
after Joey slept with me when I was leaving. Then he
broke up with me.

RACH: Oh yeah, I remember now. Oh, your play was
great. You're a wonderful actress.

LAUR: Thanks a lot! I just came from an audition. A tv
show called residence. Saw Joey there actually. He's
come a long way since that one little play. I still
hate 'im though.

PHOE: You hate Joey?

LAUR: You *know* Joey?

PHOE: Of course I know Joey. He's like my best friend!

LAUR: I see.

RACH: Are you going to order anything?

LAUR: Nah, I, I think I should be going.

PHOE: Why?

LAUR: I - I forgot I have a date with Jimmy. See you
later, Pheebs.

PHOE: Bye. [Phoebe, Ross and Rachel exchange a look.]

 [Scene: audition place, Joey, girl Joey and Chandler
are talking, but Chandler seems depressed.]

JOEY: You're a really great actress, y'know, you could
really get somewhere with your talents.

GJOEY: Thanks, you're really good yourself. [Chandler
tries not to laugh at her comment]

JOEY: No I really mean it. I've been after my dream
for 12 years, and nothing. But you, I know you'll make
it. I really hope you do, too.

GJOEY: I think we've both got good chances.

JOEY: Really?

CHAN: Joey!!!

JOEY and GJOEY: Yes?

CHAN: Sorry, Joey, I meant my sister. We've got to go.

JOEY: Oh, where are you going?

CHAN: Back to our hotel.

JOEY: Do you have to? Why don't you come back home?

CHAN: Because I don't think I can face Monica, Ross
and . . . Rachel's punches.

JOEY: We really miss you, though. [puts on a puppy
face]

GJOEY: Come on chanchanman, I want to meet your
friends. [Gives him a playful punch on the arm.]

CHAN: Ow!

JOEY: Yeah, and they'll love to meet you, too! Come
on, Chan. You need to talk to Monica, anyway. Phoebe
gave this one comment about Mon being fat in high
school, and she didn't even flinch! She's out of it.

CHAN: Boy, Phoebe's lucky. When I called her fat, she
cut off my toe.  (to Girl Joey) It's a long story. (to
both) And no,  I just can't face her. She thinks I'm
cheating on her or something.

JOEY: Um, no she doesn't. But she said something about
a book. I'm not exactly sure. Hey, I think she's
pretty excited about your gift though!

CHAN: Oh, no!!! I'm going to kill Ross!!!

JOEY: I'm lost here. (to Girl Joey) You?

CHAN: I can't really tell you what's going on. It's
too difficult to explain.

GJOEY: Well, problems or not, it's settled, we're
going back to your apartment. Besides, you have to
face your fears.

[Scene: Monica/Rachel's apartment. Ross, Rachel,
Monica and Phoebe are watching television.]

ROSS: Monica, would you please tell Rachel that this
program is the most boring thing I've ever encountered
and that there's a dinosaur show that I want to watch.

[Monica doesn't answer.]

ROSS: Pheebs?

PHOE: No, no, no! I'm absolutely tired of this!

RACH: Don't worry, Phoebe, I won't make you do it.
[She jumps up.] Ross, we're enjoying this show and you
have your own tv at home. Use it!

ROSS: No way!

RACH: Well that's mature.

ROSS: The discovery channel is broken on my tv. What
am I supposed to do?

[Rachel flops back down into her spot and ignores him.
Suddenly there are voices in the hall belonging to
Joey Bing, Joey Tribbiani and Chandler. There's a
knock at the door. Rachel gets up and answers it. Joey
T. is standing in front of her.]

RACH: Since when do you knock?

JOEY: Uh, just being polite for our guest.

CHAN: Hi. [he sounds like Ross.]

ROSS: Chandler!

CHAN: Ross!

RACH: What guest? [Joey B. comes out from behind him
and Chandler.] Oh, hi! Um, I'm Rachel.

GJOEY: Sorry. I'm kind of short.

RACH: Well hi, Kind of short!

CHAN: Ha ha. This is my half-sister, Joey.

ROSS: Your mom is married?

CHAN: Nope. Who would marry her?

PHOE: Your dad????

GJOEY: Yes. Theodore Bing is my father.

RACH: Well she doesn't!

JOEY: Whatever! Everybody this is Joey. Joey Bing.

PHOE: Wow. I didn't know there were any Bings in this
world besides Chandler!

CHAN: Well she's my half-sister.

PHOE: Your mom is married?

CHAN: Nope. Who would marry her?

ROSS: Your father???

GJOEY: Yes. Theodore Bing is my father.

PHOE: What happened . to the gay thing?

CHAN: It turns out he only said he was gay to break up
with my mother. He was having an affair with this
woman-

GJOEY: My mom!

CHAN: Right. And was basically living two lives! Oh,
God. My life is totally screwed over. [Joey B. and T.
both pat Chandler on the back sympathetically. Joey B.
walks over to where Monica is sitting.]

GJOEY: Hi, Monica.

ROSS: How did you know that was her?

GJOEY: Because she's more fazed out than Chandler was
on the plane!

PHOE: So you heard the story, eh?

GJOEY: Yep. I got the whole low-down on Chandler and
Monica.

CHAN: Can you shut up soon?

GJOEY: I'll try.

MNCA: Wow, Joey, your voice is really feminine today.

CHAN: Since when was Joey ever masculine?

JOEY: Hey!

MNCA: Oh, now you're back to normal.

JOEY: So it turns out Joey is here auditioning for
Residence. We were auditioning across from each other!

CHAN: More like auditioning stuck-together!

[Scene: Joey/Chandler's apartment. Joey Bing is
examining the foosball table. Joey Tribbiani walks
in.]

JOEY: Hey. Wanna play some foos?

GJOEY: I don't know. I've never played before.

JOEY: Oh come on, you'll do fine. No one's bad unless
they're related to Chandler . oh, you are related to
Chandler.

GJOEY: Hmmm, I'm not sure.

JOEY: It's an easy game unless you're playing Monica.
She is the undefeated champ.

GJOEY: Well, all right. It must be cool to have a
roommate like Chandler.

JOEY: Hey, he's your brother.

GJOEY: Yeah. I wish I had had him growing up.
Sometimes I just don't understand my dad! Why didn't
he tell me?

JOEY: I don't know. But at least you have him now.

GJOEY: You're right. I'm lucky.

JOEY: [mostly to himself] Yup, the stars are shining
down on us today.

GJOEY: What?

JOEY: What what?

GJOEY: I didn't hear what  you said back there.

JOEY: Oh, just talking to myself again. It rubs off
when you hang with Monica a lot. [All of a sudden Joey
Bing scores against the other Joey.] Wow! Maybe you
*should* play Monica.

GJOEY: Well, since I'm actually good, why don't we
make this a little more interesting.

JOEY: What do you mean?

GJOEY: I mean, make a little bet.

JOEY: I don't know.

GJOEY: Come on, spice up your life

JOEY: All right. I can handle a bet. you're on

GJOEY: Okay, what do you want to bet?

JOEY: You made the bet, it's your call.

GJOEY: Well, let's see. I bet that if I win I get to
... hmmm. I get to.... If I win, you have to be my
slave for a day.

JOEY: And if I win...you're my slave?

GJOEY: It's your call, you can do the slave or
something else.

JOEY: No. No, you know what? I can't bet with
Chandler's little sister! He's already had a hard
enough few days with the Mon thing.

GJOEY: Oh come on. It's just a bet.

JOEY: Well if he asks, it's your idea.

GJOEY: Fine, i don't care.

JOEY: Well it was your idea! Ok, if I win, you're my
slave for a day.

GJOEY: Okay, here we go!

[Scene, Monica and Rachel's Apartment. Rachel's
watching TV when Ross walks in]
 
ROSS: Hey
 
RACH:...
 
ROSS: Hello... oh please tell me your over our little,
i'm not talking to you phase now... Your not are you,
that is SO immature.
 
RACH: Just leave me alone will ya?
 
ROSS: What's wrong? [He moves over in front of Rachel.
We finally notice that she's been crying.] Oh my god,
Rach. What happened?
 
RACH: None of your buisness.

ROSS: Come on, what's wrong. Can't we go back to being
like friends again?
 
[He moves over to sit next to Rachel. She turns and
buries her face in his chest and he hugs her as she
cries. After a moment, she moves back a little.]
 
RACH: I, I, I was fired today.
 
ROSS: What??
 
RACH: They said I messed up an order or something.
Supposedly it was going to cost the company thousands
of dollars to fix. They fired me. Now what am i
supposed to do. Like anyone else will ever hire me!
 
ROSS: Don't think like that. Of course you'll get
another job.
 
RACH:  Maybe i should've just married Barry. That
would have been easy and, and safe.
 
ROSS: Come on Rachel. You don't mean that. I mean, if
that had happened, we probably would never have seen
each other again, you would never have known what it
was like to have a job. You came out here to fall in
love, find a job, be independate.
 
RACH: I know. But look, i've been independate, i got
fired from my job and when i did fall in love, all i
did was mess up and lose it.
 
ROSS: But you've found love more then once. It wasn't
your fault it didn't work out.
 
RACH: But that's where you're wrong. I've only been in
love once. Truly in love, and i don't think that i'll
ever be able to find someone else, like you have.
You've had Carol, and Emily.
 
ROSS: And you, don't forget yourself.
 
RACH: But, you didn't love me as much as Carol and
Emily. You proposed to them, married them. That's more
then you can say about me. We never even thought about
Marriage. nor got in engaged. You went out with Emily
for what, six weeks and new, sorry thought that it
would last. We went out for a year, and it was never
even thought of in that direction.

ROSS: But, Rach. I never knew what proposing would do
to us. Besides.

RACH: Besides what?

ROSS: I was . I was planning on proposing the night we
broke up.

RACH: Oh-oh. [She sinks into a chair.]

[Scene: in the hall. Chandler and Monica, on their way
to work, come out of their doors.]

MNCA: Hmph.

CHAN: Hi. [depressed like Ross]

CHAN AND MNCA: Look, we've got to talk. You first.

MNCA: Okay. Um...I don't know what to say. [She thinks
for awhile.] Okay, now that I've had time to think.I
was about to forgive you for kissing Kathy when Rachel
came home with that stupid book! How could you sell
our lives like that?
CHAN: Oh, yeah that...I didn't mean to "sell our
lives!" I just wanted to be able to afford a perfect
anniversary gift for you.

MNCA: I know you did it for me, but...you've disgraced
us all! Look at this Peter dude...Joey???

CHAN: No one knows the characters are based on us!

MNCA: *I* do! And I'll never live knowing that my
private life is published!

CHAN: Sorry. I didn't think you'd get this upset. I
mean, the characters are not that obvious. [A
neighbour comes out]

NEIGH: Hey Chandler! Read your mom's newest book. Did
you know she used your lives?

MNCA: Ohhhhhhhh, God. [she puts her hand to her head.]
Thanks, Chandler. Thanks so much.

CHAN: Okay, well not everybody.

NEIGH: I told all my friends who the book was based
on. Just thought I'd let you know.

MNCA: How gracious of you.

NEIGH: Yep, got to go though. Bye! [Neighbour leaves]

CHAN: I hope the sequel never comes out.

MNCA: Now let me ask you something, Chandler.

CHAN: Yeah?

MNCA: What did you hope to accomplish by buying me
that present?

CHAN: Nothing. I just wanted to show you how much I
love and support you.

MNCA: Oh thanks. Now that's what I call supportive. By
the way, it was real helpful the way you gave the pay
phone number. Someone was always on the phone!

CHAN: No one touched it. I watched it like a hawk.

MNCA: Okay, then, who picked up the phone and made a
busy signal into the mouth piece?

CHAN: No one! Well i sure phoned a lot, anyway. It was
always busy. Who were you guys talking to?

MNCA: I don't believe you, Chandler Bing. You didn't
care about calling me at all!

CHAN: I phoned about every 15 minutes when I knew
you'd be home.

MNCA: I was home the whole time! Home worried sick
about you, and me and [faltering] us.

CHAN: Yeah well, maybe you should've stayed off the
phone so I could call.
[JoeyB. And T. come out of Joey and Chandler's
apartment.]

MNCA: I talked only to myself.

JOEY: (to Joey B.) See what I mean? [JoeyB. And T.
leave.]

MNCA: So what do you have to say for yourself, Bing?

CHAN: All I can say is that no one was on the phone
but me, and Joey can verify it!

MNCA: Joey? What do you mean, Joey? He was here with
us!

CHAN: No, not that Joey, have you still not realized
that my sister is here?

MNCA: Sister. Okay, now I see. You have been lying to
me!!! You have no sister!!!

CHAN: I went to my dad when I was in Las Vegas. I had
maxed out my visa paying for Rachel and Ross's hotel
room.

MNCA: Your  gay dad?

CHAN: He's actually not gay, beleive it or not. He was
having an affair with my half-sister's mom. Basically
he was living two lives. She's twenty five. That was
her with Joey back there.

MNCA:...and where does Joey come into  this?

CHAN: Joey is my half-sister's name too.

MNCA: Oh. Well that's fine. Now why didn't you call???

CHAN: Well, if you hadn't been on the phone I would've
told you this before!

MNCA: Ok well i don't care what you say. I called you
again and again and it was always busy.

CHAN: Wait a minute, if you called me and it was busy,
and I was the only one on the phone.and i only used
the phone to call you,
[They both (finally) realize what's been happening]

CHAN AND MNCA: We called each other at the same time.

MNCA: Oh.

CHAN: Interesting. So what now?

MNCA: I don't know. I don't want to get back
together.(quietly) for a while anyway.

CHAN: I see. [pause.] Well, I guess I should be going.
[He saunters off down the hall.]

MNCA: Wait!

CHAN: (hopefully) What is it?

MNCA: You forgot your briefcase.

CHAN: Oh. [He retrieves it.]

MNCA: And.oh, I don't know what to say again. [She
thinks for a minute.]

CHAN: Hm. [He leaves.]

MNCA: Wait! [Chandler doesn't stop.] (whispering) I
still love you.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene:Joey and Chandler's apartment. Chandler is
checking his messages.]

PHOE: (V.O.)Hi, Joey, it's me, Phoebe. Well Donovan
dumped me. Just thought I'd let you know that I'm
picking you over him. [Chandler's eyes widen.] I blame
you totally for-[she gets cut off with a beep] It's me
again. I don't think you even remember Lauren that
Kate's understudy, but thanks a lot for sleeping with
her. You make me so-[she gets cut off with a beep] You
make me so angry! Now, although I've never dated you,
I think you're the lowest of the low for sleeping with
girls and dumping them the next day-[she gets cut off
with a beep] Grr, you are a.oh, I'm wasting my breath.
*Goodbye.* [Beep.]