TOW The Dog Biscuits
(Opening Scene: Central Perk. Everyone but Phoebe is there. Phoebe walks in and is her "normal" self.)
PHOE: Oh, Oh! Guess what!
CHAN/JOEY/RACH/MNCA/ROSS: What?
PHOE: You guys are so bad at this. (sighs) I'm getting a pet! (happy again)
JOEY: That's great Pheebs!
PHOE: I know!
MNCA: Whatever it is just don't bring it over. I have enough problems with Dick and Little Yasmine already. (Looks at Chandler)
CHAN: Why are you looking at me? It's Joey's pet too!
ROSS: Have you decided what to get?
PHOE: That's the problem, I haven't decided yet. Oh! Does anyone want to help me decide?
(Everyone pretends that they are busy, Except Joey.)
JOEY: I'd love to help Pheebs.
PHOE: Great! Ross?
ROSS: Well..I..uh..I kinda have a date.
MNCA: Really with whom?
ROSS: (Reaches for Rachels hand and smiles.)
(Chandler and Joey smile and start bobbing.)
PHOE: Yeah! You're back together!
MNCA: When did this happen?
RACH: I don't know. It just kinda did.
PHOE: Ok! That means Rachel is out. Monica will you come too?
MNCA: Well..I..uh..I promised Chandler I'd show him how to..uh..
CHAN: (Finishing sentence) Remove stains using Club Soda!
JOEY: (smiling) What kind of stains? "President Clinton" stains or "Oops spilled my food stains."?
CHAN: (Sarcastically) "President Clinton" type stains!
JOEY: Alright, Chandler!
(Everyone but Phoebe and Joey make a whatever face.)
ROSS: (Looks at watch.) Come on, sweetie. The out reservations for dinner should be ready.
(Ross and Rachel get up.)
RACH: Bye guys.
JOEY/CHAN/MNCA/PHOE: Bye.
(Ross and Rachel exit.)
MNCA: That reminds us. Chandler we should get going. The uh.. stains should be removed!
CHAN: (Sarcastically) Oh YEAH!
PHOE: Joey we should also get to the pet store.
JOEY: Ok, Pheebs. Hey Chandler can I speak to you in private?
CHAN: Sure man. (Phoebe and Monica exit) What's on your mind?
JOEY: About those "President Clinton" stains. (Reaches into wallet and gives Chandler a condom.) I got something to help you prevent them. Here you are, buddy.
CHAN: (Stunned) Thanks, man. I don't know what to say. Really.
JOEY: Don't say anything! (Exits leaving Chandler staring at the condom. Joey returns.) Oh, by the way. They're ribbed for HER pleasure!
OPENING CREDITS
(Scene: Pet Store. Joey and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is looking at the fish. Joey is chewing on one of the dog biscuits.)
JOEY: Hey! These aren't bad!
PHOE: (Making fish faces) This is so cool! I'd love to be a fish!
JOEY: Why not get a fish?
PHOE: Nah.. Too messy.
JOEY: (Looks and sees a parrot (PRRT) Hey a parrot.
PHOE: Aww! Hey there... Polly want a cracker?
PRRT: (Squawky) Awwk! No. I'd like what he's having.
JOEY: Here ya go. (Feeds parrot. Stop manager sees. (SMAN))
SMAN: Hey! No feeding the animals! Get out! Get outta my shop!
(Manager shoves Phoebe and Joey out the door.)
PHOE: What's his case? (pause) Joey?
(Joey is passed out on the sidewalk.)
(Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. Monica is reading a magazine. Chandler walks in carry a box full of CLEAN shirts.)
MNCA: What is that?
CHAN: You promised you would teach me how to remove stains with club soda. Well here's all my stained shirts. Shall we get started? (Places box on kitchen table.)
MNCA: What? I didn't promise you anything. I was just saying that to get out of helping Phoebe choose a pet.
CHAN: You LIED to Phoebe!!! (acting shocked)
MNCA: (laughs) So did you!
CHAN: You have a point. I won't tell if you won't.
MNCA: Deal. (pause) So Chandler, are those really all your dirty shirts?
CHAN: No. Those shirt are all clean. (Sits down on chair besides couch.) So Mon, what are you reading?
MNCA: Huh? Oh nothing. (Hides magazine beneath the cushion she's sitting on.)
CHAN: Come on, Mon. It can't be that bad!
MNCA: Believe me it is.
CHAN: If you don't let me see, I'll tell the guys you were reading Playboy magazine.
MNCA: You wouldn't!
CHAN: Watch me. (Picks up the phone.) What's Ross' number again?
MNCA: Ok! Ok... (Grabs magazine from cushion. Gives it to Chandler. Looking at the floor ashamed.)
CHAN: (Grabs magazine, looks at it.) Oh my god!
(Scene: Front of Pet Store. Joey is passed out on the sidewalk. Phoebe is beside him.)
PHOE: Oh my god! Joey! Joey! (Shaking Joey trying to wake him. Looks around and sees a pay phone. Picks up the receiver.) Hmm... What's the number again? 119? Oh yeah! (Dials 911) Um hello? Hi, how are you?... There's nothing wrong with me, it's my friend... He passed out... I don't know... In front of a pet shop... I don't know... Um..ok... Oh! While we're waiting, if you wanted a pet what would you get?
(Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. Chandler has Monica's magazine.)
CHAN: You were reading Playboy!
MNCA: What? (Looks under cushion.) Oops! This is what I was reading. (Hands Chandler the real magazine. Chandler grabs it.)
CHAN: Housekeeping Monthly? (Starts to laugh) You read Housekeeping Monthly?
MNCA: (Serious) What's so funny about that?
CHAN: (Stops laughing) Uh nothing! Nothing at all! I was only laughing at the irony.
MNCA: What irony?
CHAN: Well, the best housekeeper around read Housekeeping Monthly. It's ironic!
MNCA: That still doesn't explain the Playboy under my cushion.
CHAN: (Flipping through it.) No it doesn't. Hey Mon, I'll be glad to dispose of it for you! (Looks at the centerfold) Wow! (Monica grabs the magazine from Chandler.) Hey!
MNCA: (Throws the magazine out the window) There. What do you find so interesting about those magazines?
CHAN: I don't know. It's probably the fact that I can't see a girl like that naked in real life.
MNCA: Like what?
CHAN: Forget it. It's nothing important. (Sits down on couch)
MNCA: Um.. ok. (Starts grabbing some cleaning agents) Chandler?
CHAN: Yeah?
MNCA: Remember the other night when we were stuck on the roof.
CHAN: Vaguely.. Oh? Oh? I remember it now!
MNCA: (Smiles) When I shivered and you gave me a jacket, what did you mean "At least you've got a chance"?
CHAN: (Uncomfortable) It meant nothing!
MNCA: You're obviously hiding something.
CHAN: (Defensively) No I'm not!
MNCA: (Grabs one of Chandler's shirts) Tell me, or I'll bleach this shirt. (Opens a bottle of bleach.)
CHAN: (Stands up and looks at Monica.) You wouldn't!
MNCA: Wanna see?
CHAN: OK! ok... Put down the bleach first. (Monica puts down the bleach) When I said that, I was..uh..freezing. I didn't want both of us to freeze so I gave you the jacket. (Obviously lying)
(Phone rings)
CHAN: Great! NOW the phone rings!
(Monica picks it up.)
MNCA: Hello? Oh hi Pheebs... What?... We'll be there as soon as we can! Bye. (Puts down the phone.)
CHAN: What?
MNCA: Joey passed out and now he's in the hospital.
CHAN: Oh my god! What happened?
MNCA: I'm not sure. They're trying to determine that now. Come on let's go.
(Scene: Hospital. Waiting Room. Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there.)
MNCA: Pheebs, have you contacted Ross and Rachel?
PHOE: No.
MNCA: Why not?
PHOE: How? They're on a date and I don't know where.
CHAN: She's got a point. (Sees Monica and Phoebe on the edge of their seats.) Don't worry, I'm sure Joey will be alright. (Doctor comes out of examination area. (DCTR))
DCTR: I've got some interesting news.
CHAN: (Practically screaming.) OH MY GOD! He's going to DIE!!! (Grabs onto the doctor.)
DCTR: (Obviously looking uncomfortable with Chandler hugging him.) Don't worry, you're boyfriend will live.
CHAN: (Lets go of Doctor) Wait.. Boyfriend? He's not my boyfriend!
DCTR: Hey! Don't be ashamed about it. I'm ok with it.
CHAN: He's NOT my..(Monica covers his mouth with her hand.)
MNCA: What's the news?
DCTR: Well, it turns out that he had a bad stomach ache from something he ate and then he passed out...
MNCA: Well it can't be my oumlet. I bought those eggs yesterday.
DCTR: (Eyes Monica.) Right... Anyway, we emptied his stomach contents to see what he ate. We'll be back to tell you what he ate.
PHOE: Oh! It could be those Dog Biscuits he was eating!
MNCA/DCTR/CHAN: What?
PHOE: We were in the Pet Store and Joey was eating the Dog Biscuits because he thought they were free. He even thought they tasted good.
DCTR: Well! Problem solved. I'll be back.
(Doctor leaves.)
MNCA: You let Joey eat Dog Biscuits?
PHOE: I didn't let him eat it! He let himself eat them. Duh!
CHAN: Right! (Disturbed)
MNCA: What's wrong Chandler?
CHAN: That doctor thought I was gay! What is it with me that makes people think I'm like that?
MNCA: Perhaps it was your crying.
CHAN: I wasn't crying! I was.. acting to honour Joey.
PHOE: Uh huh, and I'm crazy.
(Monica and Chandler look at Phoebe wierdly. Phoebe doesn't notice.)
CLOSING CREDITS
(Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. Ross and Rachel are watching TV. The rest of the gang enter minus Phoebe.)
MNCA: Where were you guys? Didn't you see my note?
RACH: Sorry, we were kinda occupied...
ROSS: ..with each other.
CHAN: Right...
JOEY: Way to go Ross!
ROSS: What's with you Joey? You look kinda pale.
MNCA: He was in the hospital.
RACH: Oh my god! Why?
CHAN: He got a stomach ache from eating DOG Biscuits!
JOEY: (Defensively) Hey! They were good!
(Phoebe walks in.)
PHOE: Oh! Oh! I got a pet!
RACH: That's great! What did you get?
PHOE: Hold on it's in my bag...
MNCA: It's in your bag?
PHOE: Duh! You don't expect me to put it in my pocket do you? (Phoebe reaches into her bag and pulls out...)
CHAN/MNCA/ROSS/RACH: A rock?
JOEY: Cool! Have you named it yet?
PHOE: Uh huh. I call him Stone!
CHAN: How original!
MNCA: Pheebs? Why did you get a rock?
PHOE: Well, I was thinking... Joey got sick from eating Dog Biscuits, right? So if Joey got sick, imagine what would happen if I gave them to a dog!
JOEY: Good thinking.
RACH: Ok...
ROSS: Uh huh...
(Long pause.)
CHAN: Well, at least it won't leave a mess.
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