TOW Valentine's Day
(Opening Scene: Valentine's Day. Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are sharing a coffee during lunch break. Chandler walks in.)
CHAN: (Excited) You'll never believe it. Something wierd just happened to me.
PHOE/MNCA/RACH: (Turn around to face Chandler) What?
CHAN: (Hopping up and down excitedly) Take a guess!
PHOE: Oh! Oh! Oh! You just got abducted by aliens!
CHAN: (Eyes Phoebe) No.
RACH: (Snaps her fingers.) Oh! You had sex!
CHAN: No. (Excited) I got a date for Valentine's Day!
MNCA: That's great. With whom?
CHAN: Cheryl.
PHOE: Who's Cheryl?
CHAN: She's the new girl at work. She's got the hottest body.
RACH: What does she do?
CHAN: (Sits down) Pssst...I don't know.
MNCA: Chandler, how can you ask a girl out if you don't know what she does.
CHAN: That's the thing. I didn't ask her out. She asked me out. Me!
RACH: Wow! That IS wierd.
CHAN: What is? The fact that I have a date and you don't?
RACH: No. For your information I have a date. What I fine wierd is the fact that she asked you out.
CHAN: What's wrong with someone asking me out?
MNCA: There's nothing wrong. It's just something that doesn't happen... at all.
CHAN: (Smiles smugly)
(Joey walks into Central Perk)
PHOE: Oh, Joey! Guess what just happened to Chandler?
(Joey looks at girls and looks and Chandler smiling bobbing head up and down)
JOEY: (Smiles) Alright, Chandler! I told you you'd have sex sooner or later!
OPENING CREDITS
(SCENE: Chandler and Joey's Apartment. Chandler is working on his laptop. Ross walks in.)
ROSS: Hey.
CHAN: Hey.
ROSS: I heard about your date. Congratulations.
CHAN: Thanks.
ROSS: Are you sure you're ready for this?
CHAN: What do you mean?
ROSS: It's just that every time you go out with someone you always seem to reject them the next day.
CHAN: Cheryl's different. She's pretty, she's... pretty.
ROSS: See? Tell me who your last date was with and why you broke up.
CHAN: Hmm... (amplifies) Kathy! And she slept with another MAN!
ROSS: Ok, bad example...
(Joey walks in.)
JOEY: (points finger at Chandler) How's my boy?
CHAN: () Same as 5 minutes ago.
JOEY: Good. Good... So are you nervous for tonight?
CHAN: (sarcastic) Why should I be? I mean a girl asks me out on a date. She's hot. She's sexy. Plus, I've got butterflies flying in my stomach!
JOEY: Well, as long as you're not nervous.
(Joey walks into his bedroom, comes back out.)
JOEY: Chandler, you should see a doctor about those butterflies. How did they there anyway?
CHAN: The butterfly man visited me in my sleep and put butterflies in my stomach!
JOEY: (snaps fingers) Gotcha!
(Joey walks back into his room)
ROSS: Ok!
CHAN: (nods his head) And he gets all the women!
(SCENE: Monica's Apartment. Phoebe, Monica and Rachel are inside. Monica is cleaning, Phoebe is sitting around doing nothing. Rachel is reading a magazine.)
MNCA: I don't get it.
RACH: Get what?
MNCA: Chandler has a date! I don't believe it.
RACH: Oh... You seem upset.
MNCA: Of course I'm upset. I'm not supposed to be the only one without a date on Valentine's day.
PHOE: Oh, Mon. If you want I can set you up with one of my old boyfriends. He's smart, he's cute, and he's pyschic.
MNCA: No. That's alright, Pheebs. Thanks anyway.
RACH: I know someone at work who doesn't have a date. He might be interested in going out with you.
MNCA: Really? What's his name? What does he look like?
RACH: His name is Paul. He's good looking.
MNCA: How good looking?
RACH: (Sits back, folding arms behind head) Good enough...
MNCA: Oh, I don't know.
PHOE: Oh. Oh! I know someone else. He used to be a gypsy. But then he shaved his head and now he's into pig wrestling.
MNCA: So, Rach? How soon can you ask Paul?
(SCENE: Monica's Apartment much later. Chandler walks in. Rachel is sitting on the couch. Monica is getting ready for her date.)
CHAN: Hey.
RACH: Hey.
CHAN: Do you have any unused deordorant?
RACH: Why do you need deordorant? Don't you have some?
CHAN: Sure I have some. Unfortunately, I just found out Joey uses my deordorant for his (beat) nether region.
RACH: Huh?
CHAN: You know! His friend! Little General!
RACH: (confused)Oh...(beat) OH!
CHAN: My point exactly!
RACH: I'll see what I can find.
(Exits room and heads for bathroom. Monica come out in a dazzling black dress.)
CHAN: What are you dressed up for?
MNCA: I have a date. How do I look?
CHAN: Wow! You look great.
MNCA: Thanks. So do you.
CHAN: Thanks.
(Monica and Chandler stare at each other for a few seconds. It seems like an eternity for both of them. Rachel emerges from the bathroom to break the silence.)
RACH: Sorry, Chandler. We have no spare deordorant.
CHAN: Huh? Oh yeah. (beat) Well I gotta go. I'll be seeing you tonight. Well maybe not tonight. I mean look at you. I mean...(Chandler stumbles and almost knocks over the lamp. He sets the lamp back up.) Bye.
(Chandler exits.)
RACH: Did I miss anything?
MNCA: Huh? Oh no... (beat) Nothing...(beat) Well, I gotta go.
(SCENE: Chandler and Joey's Apartment. Much, much later. Say 2 hours. Chandler walks in with his date, Cheryl. She's a CHER.)
CHAN: Well, here it is.
CHER: It's certainly (beat) cozy.
CHAN: Can I get you something to drink? Water? Wine? Whiskey?
CHER: Wine would be nice.
CHAN: Wine it is.
(Joey and his date enter the room, Heather. She's a HTHR.)
CHAN: Joey, I'd like you to...
CHER: Joey!
JOEY: Cheryl!
HTHR: Cheryl!
CHER: Heather!
JOEY: Heather?
HTHR: Joey?
(Everyone, and everything stops. Big silent pause.)
CHAN: Great! Now that you're all acquainted...
CHER: Joey, what are you doing here?
JOEY: What am I doing here? I live here. What are you doing here?
CHER: I'm Chandler's date! Heather, what are you doing here?
HTHR: I'm Joey's date!
CHER: So this is who you've been seeing behind my back!
HTHR: I wasn't seeing anyone. I heard you had a date with someone so I went to a pub and picked up Joey!
JOEY: Wait a minute. This seems to be a big misunderstanding. You two know each other?
HTHR: Cheryl and I... we live together and sleep together...
JOEY: So that means you two are lesbians?
CHER: I suppose you can call us that. We also like men.
JOEY: Cool.
CHER: (To Chandler) Wait. Are you and Jo...
CHAN: (Interrupting.) NO!
JOEY: Oh no. We're straight.
(Heather motions for Cheryl to talk to her. After a few moments of talking...)
HTHR: Come on you two. We're both gonna give you two a night to remember.
JOEY: Far out.
(Heather and Cheryl lead Joey to the couch. Chandler stands at the kitchen counter in disbelief.)
CHER: Come on Chandler! It'll be fun.
CHAN: No thanks. Seeing Joey naked isn't exactly my idea of fun. I'm sorry. I'm going to leave now.
HTHR: Suit yourself.
(Chandler is about to exit when Joey speaks up.)
JOEY: When you leave, put the tie up on the doorknob.
CHAN: Sure thing. Oh yeah, if you're going to do... (beat) stuff. Do it in your room.
JOEY: Sure. (To girls) Follow me, girls.
(Joey, Heather, and Cheryl enter Joey's bedroom. Chandler exits apartment. Scene changes to hallway where Chandler tests door to Monica's Apartment. Surprised to find it open.)
CHAN: Hello?
(Sees Rachel sitting on couch reading a magazine.)
RACH: Hi. What are you doing here?
CHAN: Just thought I'd stop by in an EMPTY apartment. How did your date go?
RACH: (nervously)Oh fine. Fine. Very fine. It was perfect.
CHAN: Really? Than tell me this? Why are you wearing the same T-shirt as before? Oh my god! You didn't really have a date, did you?
RACH: Listen Chandler! If any of this gets out I'll kill you.
CHAN: Sure, no problem. Your secret's safe with me!
RACH: That's very reassuring.
CHAN: Mind if I hang around?
RACH: (Walks into her bedroom.) Sure. (Exits bedroom standing near doorframe.) So, what happened with your date?
CHAN: Nothing important. Only that she is a lesbian and right now she's having sex with Joey and his date!
RACH: Poor Chandler. Your secret's safe with me.
CHAN: It doesn't matter. I'm a failure with women. You know what? I'm going to quit women all together! (A few seconds pass.) Ok, Rach? This is where you tell me I'm crazy.
RACH: Huh? Oh. Chandler? You're crazy.
CHAN: Thanks, that was very reassuring. (plops down on couch)
RACH: (Leaves scene by entering her bedroom.)
(Monica walks in.)
CHAN: (Turns around.) How did your date go?
MNCA: (Starts sobbing) There was no date! He stood me up!
CHAN: (Gets off of couch to console Monica. Hugs her closely.) There, there... If it makes you feel better my date is now having sex with Joey and his date.
MNCA: (Looks up at Chandler.) How does THAT make me feel better?
CHAN: I don't know. It sounds worse than getting stood up, though.
MNCA: Why do I always date jerks? I deserve better than that.
CHAN: That's right. You do deserve better.
MNCA: (Puts her head on Chandler's shoulder.) Why can't I find someone who's smart, cute, and makes me laugh? Am I that detestable?
CHAN: Oh. Come on, Mon. You're not detestable. You're smart. You've got a great sense of humour. Plus, you're a very beautiful woman.
MNCA: (Looks up at Chandler.) Really? You think I'm beautiful?
CHAN: Yes, I do.
(The two stare at each other for a long time. Then they passionately kiss. After, five seconds Rachel walks out of her bedroom.)
RACH: Oh my GOD!
(Chandler and Monica release one another.)
CHAN: Gee, Mon. You're right. Your breath does smell like cheese.
MNCA: (Slaps Chandler's arm playfully.) See? I told you so.
RACH: Oh my God! You two were kissing! I knew it! I alway knew it would happen! Wait 'til the guys here this! (walks towards the door)
(Chandler and Monica cut Rachel off.)
CHAN: Now, about that! You don't want to tell anyone!
RACH: Why not?
CHAN: Because, if you tell anyone! I'll tell everyone about your secret about tonight!
MNCA: What secret?
CHAN: She didn't have a date tonight on Valentine's Day... OH!
RACH: That's it! No deal!
(Monica blocks door.)
MNCA: Rach, please! You don't want to do this!
RACH: Sure I do.
MNCA: No, you don't. Please? (Motions for Chandler to look around for something.)
(Chandler enters kitchen and looks around he thinks up an idea.)
RACH: Ordinarilly, I would. But this is too juicy to not tell.
(Chandler pours a glass of wine.)
CHAN: They won't believe you either if you told them.
RACH: (Turns around.) Why not?
CHAN: Because you were... DRUNK! (Splashes wine on Rachel)
RACH: (Shocked, while dripping with wine) Why, you little prick!
(Chandler starts running around. Rachel starts chasing him. Monica tries to calm down Rachel. Phoebe walks in. Sees Rachel chasing Chandler.)
PHOE: Oh! Oh! Can I play tag too?
RACH: Oh Pheebs! Monica and Chandler were ju..
(Monica covers her mouth with her hand.)
MNCA: Chandler and I were just cleaning up the mess Rachel left.
CHAN: Yeah. Rachel is so DRUNK! She made a terrible mess.
PHOE: OH! Is that why Chandler has lipstick on his mouth? (Points to lipstick on Chandler.) Oh look! It's the same shade as Monica's lipstick... (covers mouth) Oh my god!
MNCA: It's not what you think! Chandler's a part-time crossdresser!
CHAN: What?
RACH: (Mouth still covered) Hmmf?
PHOE: That's exactly what I'm thinking. Chandler. It's ok to be a crossdresser. There's nothing wrong with it.
CHAN: I'm not a crossdresser!
MNCA: Yes, you are!
PHOE: But if you're not a crossdresser, then why is...Oh my god!
MNCA: (Releases Rachel. Grabs Phoebe.) Phoebe, you can't tell anyone this. Got that? You can't tell anyone!
PHOE: Ewww! Chandler, eating lipstick is bad!
RACH: Pheebs! Don't you get it? (Chandler grabs Rachel trying to cover her mouth.) Monica and Chandler were kissing!
PHOE: Oh.. (beat) OH!
CHAN: (On floor) Don't listen to her! She's DRUNK!
MNCA: Yeah! Chandler was actually checking my breath for fish!
RACH: HA! Before you said it was cheese!
CHAN: See how drunk she is? She can't tell the difference between cheese and fish!
(Ross walks in.)
ROSS: Hey guys. What's going on?
RACH: Monica was just kissing Chandler!
ROSS: What? (To Chandler) Is this true?
CHAN: Don't believe Rachel! She's drunk!
ROSS: No she's not. I've seen her when she gets drunk and that's not a drunk Rachel!
RACH: Thank you!
CHAN: Well, I wasn't kissing Monica.
RACH: Yes, he was! I bet he was giving her tongue too!
CHAN: Now hold on. Look at Rachel! She's drunk. She smells of alcohol! Cheap, cheap alcohol! (Ross chases after Chandler.) Uh Oh!
(Chandler runs at the main door. Rachel blocks the door. Chandler runs into Monica's room and shuts the bedroom door. Ross slams into it and is now knocking on it.)
ROSS: Come back here! Why did you kiss my sister?
MNCA: Stop it, Ross! I can kiss whomever I choose!
RACH: Aha! I was right!
PHOE: Your auras are all conflicting! Violence is not the answer!
(Knocking on the front door.)
JOEY: HEY! Quiet it down!!! Some people are trying to have sex!!!
(Everyone looks at the main door.)
CLOSING CREDITS
(SCENE: Chandler and Joey's Apartment. Chandler is sitting down in his recliner. Ross standing over him with Joey behind him wearing a robe.)
ROSS: (To Chandler) Why did you kiss my sister?
CHAN: I don't know.
ROSS: How can you not know? You don't just kiss someone because you don't know.
CHAN: Look, I'm sorry Ross. It won't happen again.
ROSS: Damn right it won't.
JOEY: Let me get this straight. (To Chandler) You kissed Monica?
CHAN: Yes, Joey. I kissed Monica.
JOEY: Did you..uh...slip her the tongue?
CHAN: If I told you Big Bully Ross might kick my ass!
ROSS: Why Monica? Why not Phoebe? She's tall! She's blonde!
JOEY: Did you...(whisphers in Chandler's ear.)
CHAN: No I didn't fondle her breasts!
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