This takes place after Chandler's New Year's Eve Party. Even though Monica likes Tina, she was having a difficult time excepting them as a couple. During the party, Chandler and
Monica were making out while Tina was downstairs along with everyone else. Now Chandler and Monica feel guilty.

Monica sat there listening to Tina complaining about Chandler. She felt incredibly guilty. Even though Tina wasn't as close to her as Phoebe and Rachel, she felt that she
had betrayed her. Every day for a month, the thought of kissing Chandler stayed on her mind. They still hung out together, but things were different. There wasn't any
tension between them, but they flirted with each other a lot more when no one was around. Chandler spent time with Tina, but she noticed a change in him.

"I just don't know what it is. I mean, it's not like he just started acting different, but it's been like this from the beginning. Now it's gotten worse."

"It has?"

"Yeah. It's like his mind is always elsewhere."

"Have you talked to him about it?"

"Yeah, but he keeps telling me nothing's wrong. Do you think there's something wrong?" Tina asked.

"Well, you know Chandler. He doesn't like to reveal too much."

"I know, but you two are so close. I thought that he might have mentioned something to you."

"We talk and everything, but it's hard to get anything out of him."

"I know."

"I'm sure he'll come around."

"I hope so."

When Tina left her room, Monica pulled out her diary. She felt so bad for having to lie to Tina about why Chandler is so distant towards her. She went over to her desk, got
out her pen, went back over to her bed, and began writing.

I still can't stop thinking about New Year's Eve. I thought I would have a horrible time, but instead, I spend that night in Chandler's arms kissing him. Neither of us
remembered that Tina was downstairs while we were enjoying each other's company. I can't even describe how amazing it felt. I expected things to be weird between us
after that, but it hasn't been. We can't seem to help ourselves, but we've been flirting with each other a lot lately. Then I have moments when I feel so guilty about it all.
Tina was just here wanting to know why Chandler is so distant and I couldn't say anything. She's a really nice person and I don't wanna hurt her. Even though I wish
Chandler were single, I don't want him to break up with her for me. It seems as though situations like that never work out. I just wish that they never starting dating in the
first place. Like I said before, I don't wanna be selfish, but that's what I am. Chandler has become my bestfriend and I don't want to do anything to destroy that. We've
already crossed that line, but I just don't want things to get weird and intense. I know that he wants to break up with Tina, but I told him not to. If we're ever gonna get
together, I want it to be right. And it's just not right this way. I feel as though I have to take Tina's feeling into consideration as well as Chandler's.

Being in his arms that night, just reminded me of how crazy I am about him. I find myself grinning from ear to ear when I think about something he said to me. I feel so
connected with him now. I've never experienced this stuff before. It's scary. I'll be thinking about him, and he'll call or show up. We haven't talked about us kissing on New
Year's Eve after that night, but it's clear that we still think about it all the time. I've even had dreams about it, but then again, I'm always dreaming about him. It's nothing
new. I don't know when, or if we ever will, but I really hope to kiss him again, under better circumstances.

Monica

While Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel were sitting in the cafeteria eating their food, Joey came over to them.

"Hey, what are you guys doing for the summer?" Joey asked.

"We don't know yet." Monica said with a frown on her face.

"Why Joey?" Phoebe asked.

"Well, my sister is getting married in July and I wanted you guys to come."

"Oh, that's nice Joey." Phoebe said.

"Now, which sister is this?"

"My oldest sister. She's marrying this doctor, and they have a huge house. We can stay a whole week."

"Where do they live?" Monica asked.

"Okay, are you ready for this?" They live in the Hollywood Hills."

"Are you kidding me?" Rachel said.

"No, I'm serious."

"I'm SO going." Rachel said excited.

"Mon, Pheebs?"

"Well, I would love to go, but I can't afford it."

"Me either." Phoebe said.

"Come on, it's five months away. You can save up for it." Joey said.

"He's right."

"Oh that's easy for you to say, Mrs. my father will buy me a country." Phoebe said.

Monica and Joey started laughing, but Rachel wasn't amused.

"Don't listen to her Rach." Joey said.

Monica looked over at the table where Chandler and Joey often sat, and noticed that he was sitting next to Tina with his arm around her. When he noticed Monica looking
at him, he slowly took his arm from around her. Monica turned her attention back to the conversation.

"Why don't you two just ask your parents?" Rachel asked.

"Because Rach, they're not rich." Monica stated.

"I know they're not, but I'm sure they can save some money so that you can go."

"That's what you think. They'll do it for Ross, but not for me."

Tina looked at Chandler and noticed him looking over at Monica's table.

"You wanna go over?" She asked.

"No, we can stay here."

"Come on." She said getting up.

She grabbed Chandler's hand and practically dragged him over there. They sat directly in front of Monica. Tina didn't notice how Chandler and Monica looked at each other
because she was talking to Rachel and Joey. Phoebe noticed how Monica blushed when Chandler smiled at her. She hoped that Tina wouldn't notice.

A month later, Chandler and Tina were in his room talking.

"I don't understand you Chandler. I mean, you were distant with me from the start, but now, you're worst. What's going on with you?"

"Like I've told you before, nothing."

"That's your favorite word. Every time I ask you what's wrong, you say nothing. Why don't you talk to me?"

"Look, I'm just not a talking kinda guy. I wasn't raised like that."

"Now I see why you can't keep a girlfriend."

"That's not fair." Chandler said angrily.

"Fair? You wanna talk about being fair? Monica knows more about you than I do. I mean, sure she was your friend before I came along, but you talk to her more. You don't
tell me anything. It's obvious to anyone who's around you all the time to figure out that you and your mother don't get along because of the way you act. It took me a while,
but I figured it out, because you wouldn't have told me. You walk around pretending that your life is so perfect, when in fact, it's the opposite."

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I'm not good at expressing my feelings. I wish I was, but I'm not."

"You don't let people in, and that's not good."

"I've been this way all my life, don't you think I know that. When you push people away, it leaves you feeling empty and alone."

"Then why do it?"

"It's all I know how to do."

"Well, I can't take it anymore. I sympathize with your situation, I do, but I'm tired of all this. You obviously don't want a girlfriend right now so I'm not gonna stand in your
way."

"You're breaking up with me?"

"Yeah, I am. I know you're used to doing the breaking up, but I can't deal with this anymore. I mean, I told you that I was being transferred to another school and you acted
as if you didn't care."

"Tina, just because you're being transferred, doesn't mean that we won't still see each other."

"That's not the point. You show no emotion when it comes to you and me. I need to be with someone who actually cares about me."

"I care about you."

"You sure have a funny way of showing it."

"I'm sorry." Chandler said.

"I know. You can't help it."

Chandler hugged her tightly for a few seconds and then she left. He sat on his bed feeling sad. He feared that all of his relationships would end like that. It was so difficult
for him to get close to people, and he hated it. At that moment, he began to realize that if he kept on blocking people out, he would be alone for the rest of his life. Five
minutes later, he got up and left the house.

Monica was coming downstairs when she heard a knock on the door. When she opened the door, Chandler was standing there looking miserable. Monica motioned for him
to come in.

"Chandler, what's wrong?" She asked as he came in and took a seat on the couch.

"We broke up."

"You didn't break up with her because of....

"No. She broke up with me."

"Why?"

"She said that I'm distant and I don't act like I care about her."

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I will be. I knew it was coming."

"You really liked her huh?"

"Yeah."

"You want me to talk to her?"

"No. It's over. She was right. I show no emotion."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't put anything into my relationships."

"Chandler, don't be so hard on yourself." Monica said putting her arm around him.

"You're one to talk." Chandler said grinning.

"I know, but I got you to smile."

"I'm sorry I came over here with all this."

"Chandler, I don't mind. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"Everyday."

"It seems like it."

"So, how are you?"

"I'm fine."

"Did you ask your parents for the money yet?"

"No."

"No? Why?"

"Because I know they won't give it to me."

"Well, Joey said that I could ask Ross, and I know he'll ask them."

"Yeah, and they'll give it to him too."

"I'll tell you what...if you're really having a hard time asking them for the money, I'll pay your way."

"Chandler, I can't ask you to do that."

"You didn't. I'm offering."

"Chandler, we're not talking about a hundred dollars here."

"I know. What do you think, I'm some poor guy?" He said smiling.

"No, but I hate taking money or anything from somebody."

"Well, ask your parents then."

"Chandler, you don't have to do this."

"I want you to go Mon."

"And I want to go."

"Well, if you don't ask them, then I'll pay for you to go."

"You're not gonna give up on this are you?"

"Not likely."

A week later, Monica was sitting in the kitchen watching her mother cook. She was a little afraid to ask her for money to go with the gang to California. She had a strong
feeling that they wouldn't give her the money, and she didn't want Chandler to pay her way. Ross had already ask for them for money and they said yes. She suddenly
decided that she wouldn't ask them and left the kitchen. She went up to her room feeling helpless. Five minutes later, the phone rang. It was Chandler.

"Hey."

"You don't sound too happy to be talking to me." Chandler said.

"It's not that."

"Let me guess, you still haven't asked your parents for the money yet."

"I'm not gonna ask them. I just won't go."

"Mon, I told you that I'll give you the money."

"I know, but it doesn't feel right."

"Well, it feels right to me and I'm not taking no for an answer."

"What am I gonna do with you?" Monica said.

"Haven't figured that out yet."

"Thanks Chandler. I'll pay you back."

"Don't worry about it."

"I'm paying you back, and I'm not taking no for an answer."

"Okay, but I won't hold you to it. I don't mind doing this for you."

"You are so sweet Chandler."

"Not as sweet as you." He said grinning.

"No, you're actually sweeter than I am."

"This could be true." Chandler said jokingly.

"So, what are you up to today?"

"I'm on my way to your house."

"Okay. I'm not going anywhere."

"All right. I'm on my way."

"I'll be here."

"Bye."

"Bye."

A half hour later Chandler entered her room. She stood up and gave him a hug. When she was in his arms, she didn't want to let go of him, but forced herself to.

"You're looking good, as always." Chandler said grinning.

"So are you gorgeous." Monica said touching his face.

They stood there inches away from one another, gazing into each other's eyes. Chandler leaned in to kiss her, but Monica stepped back.

"I'm sorry Chandler, but this feels a little weird."

"I know. I just couldn't help myself." He said smiling.

"You're not mad?"

"Of course not. You kissed me before. It might happen again."

"Maybe." Monica said kissing him on the cheek.

"See now you're teasing me."

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to."

"I know." He said gazing at her.

Monica blushed and went over to sit on her bed. She chastised herself for not kissing Chandler. She didn't know what had gotten into her all of a sudden. She knew that
Chandler often covered up his feelings and she hoped that she didn't make him feel bad.

Chandler stayed over for three hours. When he left, Monica began to write in her diary.

I just realized why I didn't kiss Chandler a few hours ago. I can't believe that I didn't realize it before. I'm scared. He's one of my bestfriends and we're really close, but
when I think about us being together, I get really nervous and tense. When we kissed New Year's Eve, I was extremely nervous, but after being in his arms for a while, I
was fine. Today, when he was about to kiss me, I started shaking. I didn't want him to notice. It's so weird. I've never gotten like this over other guys, but when it comes to
him, I don't know how to act. I'm so stupid. I should have just kissed him anyway. Sometimes I really don't understand myself.

It is good to know that he likes me too. I just hope that he doesn't give up on me. I also hope that I can start learning how to act when he's around. I wonder if he knows
how nervous he makes me. It's crazy because the whole time I'm around him, I'm nervous. I can't relax. I've been finding out a lot about myself lately, and I realize now
that I'm more afraid of Chandler than I was before. I guess it's because this is unfamiliar territory and my feelings have gotten stronger. He really means a lot to me and I
don't want things to be weird between us. So far it hasn't been. We just flirt with each other. I want to talk to him about how we feel about each other, but I don't know how
to bring it up or even know what to say. I know that we'll eventually talk about it again, but it's been kinda hard not talking about that night. Every time I see him or talk to
him, I think about us kissing and me being in his arms. It's something that I hope to experience again.
 

Monica
 
 

STRONG FEELINGS.......IS NEXT