I was watching them from outside the room. My husband and me. My body. He was talking to me, and crying. Then he kissed me and flipped a switch. I felt free, my body was no longer working to keep me alive and I was a free spirit.
I looked down. My two-year-old daughter was standing next to me, also watching.
“Mom!”
“Sweetie? Is that really you?”
“Yep.”
“Come on.” Said a voice behind them. “It’s time to go.”
I took my daughter’s hand in mine, and followed the stranger toward a bright light.
*************
I looked at Chandler. My husband. My best friend. My soulmate. He was sitting in our apartment, at the kitchen table. In his hands was a family portrait, taken two months before my death. Tears were running down his face, although he was silent.
I could see him but he couldn’t see me. I was a spirit, something like a ghost, and was watching over my husband, to protect him.
*************
Chandler was watching my face as the priest spoke.
I could hear and see what Chandler was thinking. He wanted my body to open her eyes, even though he knew that could never happen.
It was my funeral, and my daughter’s. Chandler, Ross and my parents sat in the front row. Behind them sat Rachel, Phoebe & Joey. Chandler didn’t move as the tears ran down his face. I sat next to Rachel, my best friend in life, and tried to imagine what they were feeling.
I knew that of all the people there, Chandler’s sadness would be the greatest. As much as my parents and Ross loved me, I knew that Chandler loved me more than the three of them put together. As he had said in our wedding vows ‘my love for you could know no boundaries. No words could ever describe the way I love you. And I will continue to love you for the rest of my life, and even in death. I love you, always and forever.’ And he had double the grief to deal with. Not only was his wife gone, his daughter had died too.
Looking around, I was surprised to see so many people. There could have easily been 200. I didn’t know my life had impacted so many people. I picked out some faces. Richard Burke. Pete Becker. Gunther. Kathy. Rachel’s parents and sisters. Phoebe’s parents, brother and sister-in-law.
Looking back towards the altar, I saw Ross standing at the microphone. He was reading my eulogy.
“Monica was a very special person to me, to all of us. And although we may have not been the best of friends when we were kids, we were very close as adults. I was angry when she first started to date Chandler, my best friend. But when I saw how in love they were, my anger drained away. I have never seen two people more in love than Chandler and Monica. Many of you were at their wedding, and you would have seen the love that shone in their eyes as the recited their vows. There were six of us who used to hang out together. Rachel, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, Monica and myself. We had been friends through sicknesses, break-ups, deaths, marriages. The happy times and the sad times. But now that is all gone. Now there are only five of us.”
With that, Ross stepped away from the microphone and went back to his seat. I saw that he had tears in his eyes.
“This is a song that Monica’s friends believe expresses their feelings towards her death.” The priest said, pressing play on a CD player. Goodbye by the Spice Girls began to play.
No, no, no, no
No, no, no, no
No, no, no, no
Listen little child, there will come a day
When you will be able, able to say
Never mind the pain, or the aggravation
You know there's a better way, for you and me to be
Look for the rainbow in every storm
Fly like an angel, heaven sent to me
Goodbye my friend
I know you're gone, you said you're gone
But I can still feel you here
It's not the end
Gotta keep it strong
Before the pain turns into fear
So glad we made it
Time will never change it, no, no, no
No, no, no, no
Just a little girl, big imagination
Never letting no-one take it away
Went into the world (into the world)
What a revelation
She found there's a better way
For you and me to be
Look for the rainbow in every storm
Find out for certain, love's gonna be there for you
You'll always be someone's baby
Goodbye my friend
I know you're gone, you said you're gone
But I can still feel you here
It's not the end
You gotta keep it strong
Before the pain turns into fear
So glad we made it
Time will never change it, no, no, no
No, no, no, no
You know it's time to say goodbye
No, no, no, no
The times when we would play about
The way we used to scream and shout
We never dreamt you'd go your own sweet way
Look for the rainbow in every storm
Find out for certain, love's gonna be there for you
You'll always be someone's baby
Goodbye my friend
I know you're gone, you said you're gone
But I can still feel you here
It's not the end
You gotta keep it strong
Before the pain turns into fear
So glad we made it
Time will never, never, ever change it
No, no, no, no
You know it's time to say goodbye
No, no, no, no
And don't forget you can rely
No, no, no, no
You know it's time to say goodbye
And don't forget on me you can rely
No, no, no, no
I will help you, help you on your way
I will be with you everyday
No, no, no, no
I will be with you everyday
No, no, no, no
I will be with you everyday
When the song finished, Rachel stepped up to deliver my daughter’s eulogy.
“When Monica first announced she was pregnant, I was extremely happy, but also very jealous. She had someone to love, someone to give her a child. But then, as her pregnancy progressed, I grew less and less jealous. I saw how much both Monica and Chandler loved their unborn child. And then, when she was born, we were all there to celebrate. Joey, Phoebe, Ross and I were just as much a part of her life as her parents were, Monica made sure of that. She wanted her daughter to feel loved by the same people who loved her. And during her short life, the newest edition to our gang brought happiness to us all. Christmas, Easter and her birthday were always very special times because she made them special. It is a whole different experience when there is an 18-month-old toddler unwrapping gifts alongside your. When she wakes you up at 5 am on the morning of her birthday, demanding presents. And while these may not seem like good times, everything was fun when she was around. But now she is gone, and while I hope things will continues to be good, they will never be as fun.”
*************
After the service, Chandler stood front of the two coffins, long after everyone else was gone. Ross and Joey watched him from the car, to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. I leaned against a nearby tree, and watched as he placed a stuffed rabbit onto our daughter’s white coffin. It had been her Cuddly. She had slept with it everyday since she was born.
“Mom?” came a voice from beside me. It was our daughter. “Is daddy very sad?”
“Yes honey, he’s very sad. Because he doesn’t have us anymore. We can see him but he can’t see us.”
“Why?”
“I think it’s because we’re dead. Our bodies are in those boxes and our spirits are here. You’re a spirit and so am I. Daddy is still alive, and so he can’t see spirits.”
She fell silent and I continued to watch my beloved husband. He was speaking softly, almost whispering. I walked closer and stood beside him.
“Mon I’m so sorry. We should have crossed at the pedestrian crossing. Why didn’t you refuse to cross where I said? I know you knew it wasn’t safe.”
I knew and Chandler knew that, as much as he wanted to blame himself for our deaths, there was nothing he or I could have done to prevent the accident. If only we hadn’t chosen to cross at that very place. If only we had crossed a little earlier, or a little later. If only we had woken up on time that morning, we wouldn’t have been late. If only I had insisted we crossed at the crossing. So many “if only’s”. The bus was out of control. The driver was unconscious. It was a busy street. If it wasn’t us that had been hit, it would have been someone else.
“Oh Mon I love you so. I know you know that. I’ll never stop loving you. But I don’t know how I can live without you or your love. I’ve lived near you for so long. I’ve loved you for eight years, known you for more than twenty. You were such a big part of my life, you still are. And our daughter. I hope the two of you can be together in the afterlife. I want you to be happy even if I’m not. Your happiness is worth more than mine.” Chandler took something from his pocket.
When I saw it, I was deeply touched that he had kept it for so long. It was a sock bunny. I had given it to him many years ago, for a present the second Valentine’s day we were together. Chandler had known I hadn’t really made it myself, like we were supposed to, but he didn’t say anything. That year, we almost broke up. We had a huge fight, and I was so angry with him I could have killed him.
Chandler had sprayed it with my perfume ages ago, and he slept with it every night when I was away.
Giving it a kiss, Chandler placed the bunny on top of my coffin, among the many flowers. Then he produced a small bouquet of white roses. Resting it near the bunny, Chandler blew a kiss towards my coffin, then one towards our daughter’s. then he turned around and left, not looking back once.
*************
Four months later came the real test. My birthday. Or, what would have been my birthday, had I been alive.
I watched Chandler sleep from the corner of our bedroom. It was still exactly the same. Chandler hadn’t so much as moved my novel from my bedside table. He still slept the way we had always slept, in the middle, together. Although now the thing his arms were wrapped around was a teddy bear. One of our daughter’s huge stuffed bears.
It was a Saturday, and so Chandler didn’t have to go to work. Not that he had been going to work anyway. His boss had given him six months off, and but Chandler had quit soon after the funeral.
At eight o’clock, he woke up and turned to where I would have been sleeping. “Morning Mon.” he said smiling, before his eyes focused and he realised he was talking to a stuffed animal.
After he showered, Chandler sat at the breakfast table, staring into space. Then Joey and Phoebe entered, greeting him. They didn’t look surprised when he didn’t respond.
“Hey Chandler, do you know what the date is today?” Phoebe asked.
Chandler shook his head.
“It’s the 15th man,” Joey informed him.
“So?” Chandler still didn’t comprehend.
“The 15th of March. It’s Monica’s birthday today.”
“What? Are you serious?” Chandler’s head snapped up to look at Joey.
“Yep. What are you going to do today?”
“I have to visit her and wish her happy birthday.” He said, as if I lived somewhere else.
“Do you want us to come with you?”
Chandler shrugged his shoulders.
*************
At the cemetery, Chandler knelt before my gravestone and placed a bouquet in the vase there. It was his customary birthday bouquet for me, daffodils and lavender which he knew were my favourite flowers.
“Happy birthday Mon. You would have been thirty five today. You never got to see your present. I bought it for you before your accident. It’s a gold necklace. The pendant is a heart with the initials ‘C’ and ‘M’ on it. I had it specially made. I’m sorry you can’t see it, and I can’t leave it here coz someone will take it. I’ll keep it at home, with all your precious stuff.”
I was astounded. The necklace was gorgeous. It must have cost him a fortune. And, now that he wasn’t working, he should have sold it to make some money. But he kept it. For me.
*************
Two weeks later, I was standing behind my husband’s chair when he found my letter. I had hidden it with my diary, in a place I knew he would never think to look, at least not until my death anyway. I listened as he read it aloud.
My dearest Chandler,
If you are reading this, then that must mean I am gone. I know you would never search my things if I was alive.
From the very first time I kissed your lips, I knew you were the one I would marry. But I’m glad we were friends first.
You were, and still are my best friend. You lent a shoulder when I needed one. You held me when I needed to be held. You listened when no-one else would. I told you things I could never have told Rach or Pheebs. You were always there when I needed you.
I don’t know how I got through my life before I met you. I only know that my life was always wonderful when you were by my side.
You are everything I ever wanted in a man, boyfriend and husband. You are my rock, my best friend, my soulmate, my lobster.
At the mention of these familiar words, Chandler smiled slightly. This was a good sign. I hadn’t seen him smile for over a month. Our friends were worried about him, he hardly ever did anything these days, except sit around and mope.
My wedding ring is a constant reminder of your eternal love for me. It is a circle, with no beginning and no end, and that symbolizes our ever-lasting love.
I assure you that I will love you from my grave, forever and ever. My love could never be put into words, as you very well know.
I love you, always and forever
Monica
x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o
*************
I think the letter pushed him over the edge. A week later, on the 5th of April 2006 Chandler committed suicide.
He took an overdose of anti-depressants, then shot himself in the head.
Ross, Rachel, Joey & Phoebe found him the next day. Phoebe read his suicide note aloud:
I couldn’t live any longer without her. I’m sorry guys, but you don’t understand the pain I’ve gone through. It’s more than anything you’ll ever experience. I hope you guys have happy lives. Ross, look for my will in my bottom drawer. Now I will be forever with my beloved Monica and our baby daughter.
TO BE CONTINUED…