Chandler and Joey’s. 8 a.m. Joey comes out of his bedroom and makes for the bathroom. Chandler enters home in the same moment.

CHANDLER / Hey

JOEY / Hey

CHANDLER / Footing …

JOEY / Where? In a mine?

CHANDLER (looking at himself in the window) Uhmmm … well .. I was down … in the storage room helping …

JOEY / Monica warming up! Didn’t you say - textual words - "the bright days ended"?

CHANDLER / Yes, I did.

JOEY / So …

CHANDLER / I said "DAYS" …

JOEY / Yeah! (entering the bathroom) Ahhhhhhh ….

ROSS / Ahhhhhhhhh …

CHANDLER – Will you drive into your head that now we are 3!

Monica and Rachel’s. Later that morning. All in having breakfast.

JOEY / Hey Pheebs, this jam is fantastic … here is …

PHOEBE / Oh no, no thanks … I ate a lot last night … I just get a cup of tea.

JOEY – Other restaurant?

PHOEBE (who is still dating the health inspector) Yeah! I know this is his job but … I can’t go on eating in that way … I’m getting fat … I wasn’t so fat not even when I was pregnant!

ROSS (to Monica) Is .. is this soot?

MONICA (quick look at Chandler) Well … maybe … Well, Rachel … ehm .. how is with Danny?

RACHEL / Oh, well, very well. He’s finally realised I’m living and asked me to go to a movie tomorrow night.

MONICA / Great! Y’see, there are a lot of free men around the world, waiting for you!

RACHEL / Yeah!

ROSS / Who is this?

MONICA / That good looking guy who lives downstairs.

ROSS / Oh, the one cross-eyed!

RACHEL / He’s not cross-eyed!

ROSS / Yes, he’s.

RACHEL / No, ok, maybe just a little but this makes … makes him cuter!

ROSS / Oh yeah, if you like someone who while is talking to you, looks at the person on your right, yes he’s really perfect!

MONICA / Ross!

CHANDLER (to Rachel) / Never mind! He’s nervous. Joey saw him naked this morning Y’know … Someone could do comparisons.

Rachel is going to retort something.

ROSS / Don’t say it! You’ve always told me I drove you crazy when I was naked!

They look at each other, maybe remembering something and pretending not to care what’s just been said go on having breakfast.

Chandler and Joey’s. Next evening. Chandler and Joey are watching an old film on TV and Ross is on the couch reading.

JOEY / WOW, how is romantic. She is so nice … why, why has any woman been so nice with me?

CHANDLER / Joey in the reality this kind of woman doesn’t exist!

JOEY / Yes, she does.

CHANDLER / Phew, a name, give me just a name.

Joey communes with himself.

CHANDLER / So? You can’t! Phaf!

Joey communes with himself even more and "gives birth".

JOEY / Rachel! Phaf, phaf!

CHANDLER / Rachel, our Rachel?

JOEY / Sure, you believe it’s been easy for her to tell Ross "congratulations" instead of "I’m still in love with you" at his wedding? … What’s up? What your idiot look means? I’m just right, phaf, phaf, phaf!

CHANDLER / We bet that my idiot look is going to move on your face? Will you another name? (Joey shrugs) Ross … (Joey shrugs again) Who is here phaf! with us phaf, phaf! and is listening to you, phaf, phaf and phaf!

The password is: Panic. Joey looks at Ross having a look asking "How many possibilities there are that you wasn’t hearing", the answer in Ross’s eyes says "none".

JOEY / Oh dear, Chandler it’s your fault .. Yeah you always make me talk nonsense.

Meanwhile on the couch … Ross, after that on his face passed all the colours of the rainbow due to an unexpected lacking of breath and an increasment of heart beats of about 1000 %, is in London and is reliving that moment.

RACHEL / I just needed to tell you … Congratulations. (They hug for a long while)

Now Ross is back in N.Y. on Chandler and Joey’s couch who, seeing him in catalepsy, are close to him waving magazines.

ROSS (recovering) I’m an idiot!

JOEY / What?

ROSS / An idiot, how couldn’t I realise that?

He stands up and heads for the door. Joey jumps next to the door and blends with it.

JOEY / If you want to go out, you have to pass on me!

CHANDLER / Where are you going?

ROSS / A perfect idiot!

CHANDLER / Y’know what time is it? The girls will be already in bed …

ROSS / Get out Joey ..

JOEY / Ever, I love this door!

Ross "kindly" pushes Joey away and enters the hallway finding Rachel and Danny who are flirting. Moment of defaiance.

JOEY / Y’see, it was better you stay in there!

RACHEL / Hey guys …

Ross gasps a "hi".

JOEY – Hey … Nice evening, isn’t it?

DANNY / Well, yeah … at least up to 5 seconds ago!

ROSS (get angry) Hey, the hallway belongs to everyone.

JOEY / Don’t be unkind Ross and then … you and Rachel always flirted in there, once.

Ross has a look meaning "thanks for remembering this to me, Joey". They get in their apartment again, Ross, looking miserable, slams the door.

JOEY / What’s going on between Rachel and you?

ROSS / I don’t know … You do tell me, what’s going on! I just know I was there (pointing the couch out) reading and I was fine!

CHANDLER / Ahhhhhhhh …

Joey and Ross look at each other both wondering "is that coming from the window?" In a rush they are near the window. Chandler is outside with the nails driven in the wall. They watch at him with a look "Y’know you’re on the entablature".

CHANDLER / … walking … trekking … Help … Help … Draw me in, I’m afraidddddd!

JOEY (knowing very well what or rather who Chandler was going to reach) This is a door and this its handle, if you turn it, you can go out and take any sport or whatever you want!

Girls’. Few evenings later. Rachel and Ross are there eating chinese food. He is having a hard job to move the conversation on "those London congratulation things" but it needs to be said that, quite that evening, he and Rachel aren’t on the same wavelength.

ROSS / Y’know … when … uh .. you were there …

RACHEL / What? Where?

ROSS / There … with … uh …

RACHEL / Where? Who?

Ross makes a weird and unsuitable movement putting his thumb down wanting to mean "back in London".

RACHEL / Oh yeah, the guy downstairs. Danny, his name is Danny … Well, honesty … lately … we are seeing a lot and we also should meet later … Y’know … stuffs are really going well, very well … he’s fantastic …

ROSS / Good … fantastic.

RACHEL / And the sex …

ROSS (worried) Have you already had sex?

RACHEL / Yeah .. well, not completely … I mean … Y’know, we are, yes, we are near the latest step and I guess we'll jump over it very very soon (She giggles).

ROSS / Perfect!

RACHEL / Yeah!

ROSS / Ok, Chandler is calling me. See ya …

RACHEL (stunned) See ya …

Boys’s. Joey is playing chess by himself, with the duck and the rooster as viewers. Ross sits next to him looking miserable and starts staring at him. The duck, maybe perceiving that he’s depressed, sits in Ross’s lap with a "quack quack". The rooster looks at her giving a weird sound off, meaning "coquette !".

JOEY / Hey!

ROSS / Hey!

JOEY / Damn! He’s won again. This isn’t a happy evening for me … will you play?

ROSS / No.

Joey stars settling the pawns again perceiving Ross’s miserable glance on him.

JOEY / Do you need someone to talk to, Ross?

ROSS / No.

JOEY / Ok .. King here … queen and horse …

ROSS / Rachel is going to have sex tonight … with this Danny guy.

JOEY / Haven’t they had sex yet? What are they waiting for?

ROSS / Hey, sex is important for a couple … for a woman … for Rach.

JOEY / Yes, you’re right and the sooner they do the better it is.

ROSS / Sillinesses!

JOEY / No, they aren’t. If you had had sex with Emily after the wedding, now you wouldn’t be alone.

ROSS / If I had had sex with Emily after my wedding, maybe I wouldn’t have said Rachel’s name in my vows and … and you can’t make head or tail of it!

JOEY / Hey! Wait for a moment! I was there, playing and losing chess by myself, you came in with this horrible miserable look entreating my attention and I generously gave it to you and at which point we came? That I’m an idiot!

ROSS / I didn’t say you’re an idiot!

JOEY / And .. for you a person who can’t make head or tail of it who is? A genius?

The duck and the rooster move their heads from Joey to Ross and viceversa, following the speech.

ROSS / Yeah .. sorry … really sorry.

JOEY / Ok, it’s allright. Maybe the idea that she might have sex with somebody else drive you mad, doesn’t it?

ROSS / No! … No, it’s just … Well I would like that she had sex with the right person, this Danny is so … she should wait for someone else, yes, Y’know the right person.

JOEY (smiling) Yeah, a tall guy, with brown eyes and brown hair named Ross …

Ross sighs and Joey gives him a powerful slap on his shoulder meaning "Come on guy work on it"

CHANDLER (getting in) Hey men, the sun shine (Joey and Ross watch outside, there is pitch dark) the birds chirp and …

JOEY (interrupting and taking something from Chandler’s hair) Is that an apple peel?

CHANDLER / Well … uhg … I was … I was having an unbelievable frenzied race and .. and I had an accident with a sack of waste.

Ross looks at Joey, Joey looks at Ross, both having a look meaning "Will you go on investigating?". Meantime Joey trows the peel away, the duck and the rooster jump on it, flapping and peaking each other to death, and this is Chandler’safety. Ross and Joey’s attention is captured by them and the argument "race" is over.

Central Perk. Next day. All in less Rachel. Phoebe doesn’t miss any opportunity to sniff every tray passes under her nose.

MONICA / Pheebs, for God’s sake … if you won’t eat drink at least something! You can’t go on fasting!

PHOEBE / Yes, I can! And you don’t tempt me!

Ross is asking for the Magic 8 Ball "if Rachel had sex last night" and the reply is always the same "yes".

ROSS / It’s broken, it’s broken!

Rachel radiant enters.

RACHEL / Hi everyone!

ALL / Hey, hi … (and everyone, less Ross, maliciously smiles).

MONICA / I let you sleep this morning, I thought you could be tired. (She giggles)

JOEY / Well …

RACHEL / Well …

JOEY / Come on, go on …

RACHEL / Well .. It was …

ALL (less Ross, standing around Rachel) Yeah …

RACHEL / It was a pleasant evening

CHANDLER / That means?

RACHEL / Pleasant! (all – less Ross – have a look "come on Rach, talk") Ok, we talk, we laugh, we drink, we flirt and …

ROSS (getting up and trying to wear his jacket but he can’t find the sleeve) Well, it’s enough. I rather go …

RACHEL / and we hadn’t sex!

ALL (yeah, less Ross) No? … Why?

Ross, who is still trying to find that damn sleeve, stops as he had to deal with something unexpected, then catches and throws the Magic 8 Ball away.

ROSS / I knew it’s broken! See you later people.

Ross goes without wearing his jacket and giving a deep look at Rachel through the window.

ROSS (entering) Hello, there is no one?

RACHEL / Under the sink.

ROSS (kneeling) Hey, what are you doing?

RACHEL / I’m mending the drain … there was a leak … may you give me the pliers? (Ross hands her the pliers) … Thanks … Ok, allright … Open the water please … (Ross opens the water) Ok, done mended and greased.

RACHEL (re-emerging from the sink) Hi.

ROSS (smiling) Hi.

RACHEL / What’s up?

ROSS / You greased your face too.

He takes his tissue and cleans Rachel’s face. A quick and deep glance follows.

ROSS / Uh… well, may I watch your TV? Joey is watching the MUPPETS’ SHOW and there is an interesting documentary on the Discovery Channel … Y’know.

RACHEL / Is Joey watching The Muppets?

ROSS / Oh yeah … and he’s identify himself with them very very well … They are so boring.

TV / The southern Africa soil is rich of prehistoric … bla … bla … bla

Rachel watches the TV and tenderly smiles sitting near Ross.

ROSS / Look, that tiny tiny fur might show a lot of stuffs … Y’know?

RACHEL / Ohhhhh ….

Later.

The interesting documentary made Ross fall asleep. Rachel switches the TV off and turns towards him finding Ross’s head exactly next to hers.

RACHEL (whispering) Ross …. Hey … It’s time to go … Ross???

Ross is motionless and Rachel gazes at that face so close to hers stopping her look on Ross’s lips.

RACHEL / Ross???

Those beloved lips are too inviting, she kisses one of her fingers and leans it on Ross’s lips waiting for a possible reaction, but there is none. She gazes at his face again then close her eyes moving her lips on Ross’s and lightly kisses them. Once … twice … the third time Ross’s lips give back the kiss. Rachel opens her eyes. The deeply look at each other without parting their mouths. He hints another kiss, Rachel hesitates just for a tiny while, then the 2 mouths blend together again.

MONICA – almost screaming – May I know what’s the hell happening in there?

Rachel and Ross start. Chandler and Monica are looking at them. Rachel moves back from Ross trying to gasp something.

MONICA (to Rachel) He is married, married y’know?

(to Ross) Is this the way you are using to save your marriage?

(to Rachel) Do you remember Danny?

RACHEL (mortified) Well … Why … Why are you wearing Chandler’s pants?

Monica looks down, realises and looks at Chandler, who is wearing her long skirt.

ROSS / What’s the hell happening out there?

MONICA / Hey, I’ve put this question first! Goodnight!

CHANDLER / Hey, my pants … Come on Ross go to bed without speaking … ehm … Joey might already sleep, y’know?

He firmly takes Ross’s hand and heads for his apartment. Ross looks at those hands feeling a bit uneasily.

Some evenings later. It’s snowing. Rachel is coming out of the Central Perk, she wears her gloves heading for home, Ross gets to her shoulders.

ROSS / Rach?

RACHEL (turning) Hey!

ROSS / Hi, y’see how is snowing? (covering her with his umbrella) Haven’t you the umbrella?

RACHEL / No. I forgot it in my office when I came away it didn’t snow yet.

ROSS / Uh … Are you going home?

RACHEL / Yes, I’d like to take a hot bath and go to bed, I’m a little tired, tonight. You are going out with Joey, aren’t you? He’s waiting for you in there.

ROSS / Yeah, Joey and Chandler …

RACHEL / No, Chandler won’t come.

ROSS / Oh … (both perceive that that speech is a bit unusual and formal … but after what’s happening few evenings before, Rachel is trying to get some distance, mainly because certain Monica’s words are still thundering in her ears).

RACHEL / Well … see tomorrow, ok? Hi (she moves few steps parting from him)

ROSS / Wait …

Rachel stops, Ross approaches at her and smiles.

RACHEL / What’s up?

ROSS / You’re so funny with all that snow in the hair.

Rachel looks at himself in a shop-window and smiles too.

ROSS (showing her his umbrella) Meet you?

Rachel waits a moment before answering and Ross removes the snow from her hair. Rachel hints to go.Ross stops her leaning his hand on her arm, she looks at that hand – which it seems to mean "stay" and then at him, one of those unbelievable Ross and Rachel’s glances follows.

RACHEL (recovering and going) I really must go Ross. See ya.

Ross nods and Rachel goes away. He stands watching at her who is blending with the crowd.

JOEY / Hey Ross, hi (Ross nods a greeting) we go … Chandler doesn’t come, he has to help Monica to clean the kitchen of the restaurant …

ROSS / Oh… well, I was figuring out he had to take another sport ..

JOYE / Well … yeah .. it is the same!

Chandler and Joey’s. Ross is at the phone.

ROSS / Mom … Will you please let me speak … Yes I know, but she didn’t trust me … Ok I .. I … I don’t know if I really want to save my …

RACHEL (entering) Monica can you give me … (mouthing at Ross) "where is Monica?"

Ross shrugs "I don’t know". Rachel mouths again showing her back at Ross "help me please with this zipper". Ross draws the zipper up. Rachel mouths "thank you" and gets back in her apartment.

ROSS / Ok mom, there is an emergency. I’ll recall you later.

He hangs up and gets to Rachel. There is no one in the sitting-room, which is prepared for a romantic evening: table with candles and low lights. Ross tries in Rachel’s bedroom.

RACHEL / Tell me I’m beautiful, aren’t I? I mean can I take his breath away?

ROSS / Isn’t that neck-hole a bit too deep?

RACHEL What? (looking at herself in the mirror) Y’think?

ROSS / Yes, I do. And the skirt is too short! … (Rachel looks at him with an inquiringly glance and Ross feels bound to justify himself) Well .. (puppy eyes) … Y’know men like to discover their woman little by little …

RACHEL / You liked that!

ROSS / Yeah!

RACHEL / Ehm .. (trying to change the way the speech is going) Damn, I was guessing I were explosive!

ROSS / Yes, You’re …

RACHEL / Really? Well, do you think I’ll impress him?

ROSS / May … May I know what are you doing?

RACHEL / I’ve got a date.

ROSS / What’s this turn about?

RACHEL / Sorry?

ROSS (aping Rachel’s voice) I’m still in love with you. (Ross’s voice) ‘Cause if I good remember it’s been you who said that to me, right?

RACHEL / Well … Yeah I’ve been me…

ROSS / And, correct me if I’m wrong, was it yours the mouth which was pasting at mine just a few nights ago?

RACHEL / Yeah .. it was.

ROSS / Fine, why now are you withdrawing everything?

RACHEL (moving in the sitting-room) I’m not withdrawing!

ROSS / No???? Well .. what … what this supper with candles thing means?

RACHEL / Means … means … Ross you are married!

ROSS / No, no, no … Oh dear Rachel, I was married … Was, y’know … Emily and I broke up … broke up and … Do you know what "to break up" means?

Ross realises what he’s just said, well both realise and stare each other.

ROSS / Sorry, I didn’t want …

RACHEL / It’s ok … Yes, now I know what that means.

Ross’s deep glance "Ok, allright. You’re great Rach!"

ROSS / Well, ok …I’m waiting … I’m trying to make the stuffs work in … in the right way!

Someone knocks at the door.

RACHEL / That would be?

ROSS / Would be … I do know how it would be …

RACHEL (get a bit angry again) Are you jealous?

Other knock.

ROSS (get angry too) Jealous? Why should I be jealous? Maybe ‘cause you are just splendid with that dress? .. Maybe ‘cause you are the only one able to make my heart beats as much as no woman is able to do? … Maybe ‘cause might I start loving you again? … Yes. I’m jealous!

RACHEL (turning white) May … may you repeat the last 6 words you said after "maybe ‘cause"?

There is a powerful knock at the door.

ROSS (opening the door) What’s up?

DANNY / Well, I’ve a date with Rachel.

ROSS / Really?

RACHEL / Hi, Danny.

DANNY / Hi, is it allright Rachel? Well, do you need …

ROSS / Nothing from you!

RACHEL / Hey, it’s up to me to decide this, allright? … Oh dear, well … what a mess! …Well, silence! (to Danny) Ok, what do you want?

DANNY (bewildered, almost without voice) The supper … you and I … together … the supper …

RACHEL / Oh yeah, the supper (she takes a baking-pan) Here the supper …Pay attention, the baking-pan burns!

DANNY / Rachel???!!!

RACHEL / Oh sorry, do you like some wine too? … Here’s the wine … Ok, enjoy and have a nice evening. (She shuts the door on Danny’s face)

RACHEL (turning towards Ross) Well, the supper is allright … Ok, we … Where were we?

In the hallway. Danny, looking miserable, is going away and meets Phoebe and Joey who are coming back home.

PHOEBE / Hey, are you waiting for Rachel? What’s that baking-pan?

DANNY / Lasagnes … I guess … Do you like?

PHOEBE (disgusted look) Oh no, no …

From inside.

ROSS / You are juggling the stuffs.

JOEY / Oh dear, is it Ross?

DANNY / Yeah … Goodnight .. (he goes looking a beaten dog)

PHOEBE / Ross is arguing with his lobster … Good, very good … Oh dear, I’ve said "lobster", it’s a foodstuff! Why can’t I help thinking of that … maybe I should eat something.

JOEY (with the ear against the door) Shhhhhh …..

PHOEBE (approaching her ear at the door too) Joey, you can’t … (her belly grumbles)

JOEY (to Pheebs’s belly) Shhhhhh …Yeah, you should!

Chandler and Monica come down from the garret.

JOEY / Where are you coming from?

CHANDLER / Garret. Very interesting stuffs …happen in the garret (giggles)

PHOEBE / Interesting stuffs in the garret?

MONICA / Yeah, spiders’ web … dust ….

CHANDLER / I like dust, especially with whipped cream.

PHOEBE / Please, might you be so kind and stop mentioning foodstuff? I’m dieting … dieting Y’know?

JOEY / Shhhh ….

ROSS / The point is … the point is …

RACHEL / What’s the point?

ROSS / You can’ t shift your ground … No, you can’t!

RACHEL / I’m not shifting my ground.

ROSS / Yes, you are!

RACHEL / Ross, stop that!

She deeply breathes for a few times trying to recall to her mind the mainst thing she’s heard in the latest minutes.

RACHEL / Few minutes ago you said you might start loving me again, might you?

ROSS (shaking his head) No …

RACHEL / Oh … She can’t keep her tears anymore and let them plentifully come out.

ROSS / Rach … listen …

RACHEL / I won’t listen ... (looking straight his eyes, in a sad voice) Ross, I have to move on .. I can’t go on loving by myself.

ROSS / Rachel listen to me …

She shakes and lowers her head giving up.

ROSS (approaches at her, insisting) Rach please look at me (she fearfully watch at him) … I’ve already started loving you again … The truth is … Well, I realised little by little I always loved you Rach.

Outside the door. Chandler takes Joey’s hand, thinking it were Monica’s, Joey glances at him, Chandler realises and quickly lets Joey’s hand go. Phoebe’s belly goes on grumbling. Monica grabs the handle determinated to go in and stops that ignoble speech, Chandlers grabs Monica’s hand. She looks at him, he shakes his head.

MONICA / Let me in. (Chandler shakes his head again) I must enter, Chandler!

CHANDLER / They are in love …

MONICA (hesitates, then lets the handle go) Yeah .. ok.

Suddenly the ignoble speech ends and no noise comes out of the apartment. The 4 friends in the hallway strain their ears. Silence. Only Phoebe’s belly go on grumbling. All look at it and she almost blushes.

PHOEBE / Ok, ok, I’ll eat something, swear.

Inside the apartment the silence persists.

PHOEBE / Maybe … they killed each other …

All watch at her with a reproached glance.

PHOEBE / I’ve said "maybe" …

JOEY (to Monica) Go in …

MONICA / No, no.

JOEY / Why not? It’s your home!

MONICA / Well …

JOEY / Ok, I’ll get in… If I scream call the policy

Joey opens and gets in but stops on the door

PHOEBE / Blood?

Joey shakes his head. The others peep behind Joey’s shoulders.

PHOEBE / Ohhhhh

CHANDLER / Yeah, yeah, yeah …

MONICA (hugging Chandler) … in love.

Ross and Rachel are near the window that leads on the balcony. Rachel is against the wall and Ross is close to her. He is kissing away all the tears are coming out of Rachel’s eyes.

ROSS / I love you.

RACHEL / I can’t believe you’re kissing me. How many time, Ross … A lot of time … Y’kno I love you?

ROSS / Yeah, Rach, Rachel, Rachel yes, yes, yes, now I can … now I really can yell your name every time I want.

RACHEL (nodding and smiling) Yes, you can.

They kiss to death a lot of time.

ROSS (turning towards the gang) We really need privacy so please go away shutting the door there is draught!

Rachel’s bedroom. She and Ross are in bed, taking and flirting.

ROSS / I couldn’t help convincing myself I didn’t love you anymore and the more I did the more I loved you .. and then that damn, stupid Magic 8 Ball which went on saying "yes" …

RACHEL / Magic 8 Ball?

CHANDLER (entering, naked) Hello my London baby, here is your tritooooon (sees Ross and Rachel) onnn … nnn… nn … n.

RACHEL (covering her eyes in horror) Oh my God!

ROSS (helping Rachel to cover her eyes) Which is the sport this time?

CHANDLER / … Swimming? …

THE END.

This fanfic is based on the characters of sitcom FRIENDS created by Marta Kauffman and David Crane.