(Itís the girlís apartment.† Rachel is sitting on the couch- reading a copy of Vogue and Monicaís at the counter, eating cereal.† In case you didnít get the cereal tip, itís morning.† Oh yeah, and Ross is walking around the apartment.)
ROSS:† Maybe I should just call her.† I mean, I really donít have the guts to tell her this in person.
RACHEL:† Oh, great idea!† Next youíll want to just write her a letter.
ROSS:† No, Iím not Chandler.
MONICA:† Now guys, letís put this in perspective here.† Ross, you donít even know if Susanís really cheating on her!† You have no real evidence.
ROSS:† Hey, why would Susan not want to tell Carol she was having dinner with this so-called ďfriendĒ?
MONICA:† You didnít even give her a chance to explain!
ROSS:† When Carol and I were married, she got involved.† She committed adultery.† Whoís to say she wonít do it again?
(An awkward silence.)
RACHEL:† He got you there, Mon.
MONICA:† All Iím saying is at least give her a chance to explain.
ROSS:† Explain, explain, explain what?!† Monica, you have no idea how dangerous this woman is.† I mean she is, is sneaky, convincing, sheís - sheís evil.† Pure evil is what she is!
MONICA:† (To Rachel.)† Am I really related him?
RACHEL:† Well, I dated him for a year.† I guess this is what happens after you break up with me.
ROSS:† (Walks to the door, opens it, turns to face the girls and gives Rachel and Monica that ďway of giving the finger without actually giving itĒ with his fists, before closing the door.)
(Itís the guysí apartment.† Joey and Chandler are sitting in their leather chairs, eating breakfast.† The TVís on but theyíre not watching.)
CHANDLER:† So do you think I should?
CHANDLER:† OK, Jo.† You do know that if I broke up with Kristen you wouldnít be able to go out with her, right?
JOEY:† That sucks!† What about Kathy?
CHANDLER:† Well are you in love with Kristen or are you just looking for weeklong fling?
JOEY:† (Admits.)† Yeah, all right.
CHANDLER:† So, if you were me, would you?
JOEY:† Why would you want to dump her?† Was she bad in bed?
CHANDLER:† No, No.† I havenít even slept with her yet.
JOEY:† Then you still havenít really explained to me why you want to dump her.†
CHANDLER:† I donít want to dump her.† I like her a lot.† And- I mean look at her!† The odds of me being with someone like her ever again are very, very slim.
JOEY:† Then whatís the problem?
CHANDLER:† Well, thereís somebody else and-
JOEY:† (Cutting Chandler off.)† Whoa!† Whoa!† Thereís someone else?† How did this happen?† Since when have you been getting more women than me?
CHANDLER:† First off all, you have more women in a month than I have in my entire life and second of all . . . how did this happen?
JOEY:† So, who is she?
CHANDLER:† Her name is um- Kathy.† (Realizes what he just said and his eyes widen.)
JOEY:† Kathy. Man donít tell me itís the same Kathy that-
CHANDLER:† (Cutting Joey off.)† No, itís not!
JOEY:† So whatís she like?
CHANDLER:† Sheís cool.† We get along great.
JOEY:† (Cutting Chandler off.)† What does she look like.†
CHANDLER:† She . . . she has this really sexy smile.
JOEY:† Is she hotter than Kristen?
CHANDLER:† That would be a judgment call.
JOEY:† Well, whatís your judgment?
CHANDLER:† Well I, um-
ROSS:† (Enters.)† OK, guys, I need some advice on this whole Susan thing.
CHANDLER:† Well, why donít you just ask the girls?
ROSS:† Just because theyíre female doesnít exclude the fact that they are my sister and my ex-girlfriend!
JOEY:† Call Phoebe then.
ROSS:† Again.† Just because sheís female doesnít exclude the fact that sheís Phoebe!
JOEY:† Wow, we really need some new girls in the group.
CHANDLER:† Why donít you call Kristen?
ROSS:† I barely know her.
CHANDLER:† Well is she your sister?
ROSS:† (Flatly.)†† No.
CHANDLER:† Is she your ex-girlfriend?
ROSS:† (Thoughtfully.)† No.
CHANDLER:† Is she Phoebe?
ROSS:† She does hang out with Phoebe.
CHANDLER:† You obviously missed the entire point.† Just call her!
ROSS:† Fine.† (He goes over to the phone, picks it up, and sets it back down.)† What of sheís not home?
CHANDLER:† She sleeps until like eleven oíclock.† Her kickboxing class doesnít start until twelve.
ROSS:† (Picks up the phone again and then sets if back down.)† Well, what if, what if she gets mad at me for waking her up?
CHANDLER:† Nah, sheís not the whiny type . . . unlike some other people.
ROSS:† (Picks up the phone and brings it to his ear before lowering it.)† Hey-
CHANDLER:† (Cutting Ross off.)† Oh my gosh!† Just call her!
ROSS:† I was just going to ask for her number.
CHANDLER:† Oh.† 555-4697
ROSS:† (Begins to dial.)† And people say Iím whiny.† (Stops dialing and waits.)† I mean youíre the one whoís all overreacting.
(Cut to Kristenís place- well her bedroom.† Sheís sleeping peacefully when the phone rings.† The phoneís sitting on a nightstand next to her bed.† Yawning, she picks it up.)
KRISTEN:† (She says sleepily.)† Hello.
(Cut to Ross.)
ROSS:† Hey, Kristen.† Itís Ross.
(Cut to Kristen.)
ROSS:† Chandlerís friend.
KRISTEN:† Oh right, the whin- um, what can I do for you Ross?
(Cut to Ross.)
ROSS:† I just need some advice.
(Cut to Kristen.)
KRISTEN:† What on?
ROSS:† Well, if you know someone is cheating on someone you really care about, would you tell that person?
(Cut to Kristen.)
KRISTEN:† Why are you asking me this?
(Cut to Ross.)
ROSS:† Actually, it was Chandlerís suggestion.† (Glances at Chandler menacingly.)
(Cut to Kristen.)
KRISTEN:† I donít know.† I would depend on the circumstances.
(Cut to Ross.)
ROSS:† Well, can I tell you about the circumstances?
(Cut to Kristen.† Her eyes are closed and she has appeared to have dozed off while holding the phone.)
(Cut to Ross.)
(Cut to Kristen.† Her eyes are fluttering.)
KRISTEN:† I think you should do what you think is right.† Iíll . . . (yawns) Iíll talk to you later.
(Cut to Ross.† He turns around and looks at Chandler.)
ROSS:† (Sarcastic.)† Gee, thanks.† That was a fantastic idea.
CHANDLER:† You gotta stop complaining man.
ROSS:† (Stares angrily at Chandler.)
JOEY:† (Gets up to bring his food to the kitchen.)† I think he mean whining.† (He pats Rossís back on his way.)
(Itís Central Perk, Joey and Monica are sitting on the couch, Joey on the right and Monica on the left.† Phoebeís up on stage.)
Sunlight falling every day.
Slowly shining yellow ray.
Perfect moment freeze today.
Timeless words, what can I say?
MONICA:† (While Phoebeís on her la-la-las.)† You know I donít ever think Iíve heard Phoebe sing a song so . . . so normal.
JOEY:† I donít like it.
MONICA:† Why not?
JOEY:† It confuses me.
PHOEBE:† (Still singing.)
Magenta lizard with silver feet,
Do you want something to eat?
A strawberry poptart, the corner broke?
Letís hope you donít gasp and choke.
(Speaking now.)† OK, thank you.† (Begins to put her guitar back in its case.)
JOEY:† Now that I can relate to.
MONICA:† (Rolls her eyes.)
PHOEBE:† (Come over and sits in the right chair.)
ROSS:† (Enters.† He goes over to the left chair and sits down.)† Hi.† (He says glumly.)
PHOEBE:† Hey Ross!
MONICA:† Whatís wrong?
ROSS:† I canít find anyway to tell Carol.† Iíve tried to go over to her place and confront her, but I canít even get through the door.† Iíve tried calling her like hundreds of times but I can barely make out a sound.† I think she may get Caller I.D.
JOEY:† Anything else?
ROSS:† Iím considering that note idea.
MONICA:† Ross, thatís crazy!† This is probably just some big misunderstanding.
ROSS:† But what is it isnít?
MONICA:† You wonít know unless you ask Susan?
ROSS:† But what if sheís lying?
MONICA:† Then I donít know.† But telling Carol something like that, it could ruin her life if you donít know all the facts.† You do realize that donít you?
ROSS:† (Looks down and then back up.)† But-
MONICA:† (Cutting Ross off.)† Oh my gosh!† Just talk to Susan!
ROSS:† Whatís up with you?† Do I freak out every time you ask for advice?
MONICA:† Ross, itís like youíre arguing with my advice.
ROSS:† Well I just donít know what to do.
MONICA:† Youíre right.† Iím sorry, Iíve just been stressed lately.
ROSS:† Over what?
PHOEBE:† Over love.
(Ross and Monica turn to Phoebe.)
PHOEBE:† Itís so obvious!† Youíve been doing the routine.
MONICA:† (Defensive yet smiling.)† I have not.
ROSS:† Whoa, whoa, wait.† What routine?
PHOEBE:† When Monica and I used to live together whenever we were depressed about a guy, every night we would eat Haagen-Dazs strawberry ice cream before we went to bed, watch at least two movies, one a romance, the other a romantic comedy, and then I we would listen to at least five sad love songs.† Iíve seen two pints of strawberry in Monicaís fridge, walked in on her watching Love Story, and I noticed a couple of depressing CDs in her room.† Thatís when I figured it out.
MONICA:† OK, so maybe I have been doing the routine.
ROSS:† Whoís the guy?
PHOEBE:† Do you even have to ask?
MONICA:† (Looks at Phoebe, surprised.)
ROSS:† You know?
MONICA:† (Has a worried look on her face.)
PHOEBE:† Donald Trump.
(Itís a restaurant, a fairly nice one.† You can picture it any way youíd like.† Rachel and Joshua are having lunch.† *I didnít include him in the last fanfic so just to bring everyone up to speed, they are still going out.† Rachelís sitting on the right, Joshuaís on the left.
RACHEL:†† So I was thinking maybe we could stop by your place after the movie tonight.
JOSHUA:† Sure, any reason in particular?
RACHEL:† I just . . . wanted to see it.
JOSHUA:† So how come I havenít seen your place yet?
RACHEL:† Oh, my roommateís a mess.† Sheís been acting really weird lately.† Over some guy I think.
JOSHUA:† Thatís too bad.
RACHEL: †Yeah. So later tonight we could-
JOEY:† Rach, hey Rach!
(We then see Joey approaching the table with some pretty brunette.)
JOEY:† Mind if we sit with you?
RACHEL:† Joey!† I am on a date.
JOEY:† A lunch date.† Iím having lunch too.
RACHEL:† (Boy if looks could kill!)
JOSHUA:† No, really, itís fine.
RACHEL:† (Through clenched teeth.)† Oh, gee.† Thatíll be great.
(Joey and the brunette sit down.)
JOEY:† So, what are you guys talking about?
RACHEL:† Donít you want to introduce us to your friend?
JOEY:† Oh, sorry.† Rachel and Rachelís um date . . . this is Denise.
DENISE:† Pleased to meet you.
RACHEL/JOSHUA:† You too/hello.
DENISE:† (To Joshua.)† Do you have a name?
JOEY:† (Eyes widen and begins smile.)† You- youíre Joshua?
JOEY:† Well, that makes sense.† Itís been really quiet since you got together with Rachel.
RACHEL:† (Angrily.)† What?
JOEY:† She used to talk about you like everyday!
RACHEL:† (Gets madder.)
JOEY:† (Imitating Rachel.)† ďJoshua still hasnít asked me out.Ē†
DENISE:† (Notices Rachel.)
JOEY:† ďIíve tried everything.† Iíve-Ē
DENISE:† (Cutting Joey off.)† Joey, honey.† Why donít we talk about something else?
RACHEL:† (Looks at Joshua frantically and then back at Joey . . . menacingly.)
(Itís still afternoon.† Ross is in a hallway standing in front of Susan and Carolís apartment door.)
ROSS:† (Takes a deep breath.)† Well, here goes nothing.† (He opens the door.)
A ROOM FULL OF WOMEN:† Surprise!
ROSS:† (As you can imagine, that just scared the hell out of him!)† Ah!
(Susan steps toward Ross.)
SUSAN:† Ross?† What are you doing here?
ROSS:† I, I came to see Carol.
ROSS:† Oh, I donít know, maybe just to tell her that youíre† . . . cheating on her!
ROOM FULL OF WOMEN:† (Gasp and talk amongst themselves.)
SUSAN:† I am not cheating on Carol!
ROSS:† But I heard you talking the other day.† You were meeting that Sylvia woman behind her back!
(We see a shot of Sylvia in the crowd, looking confused.)
SUSAN:† I was meeting Sylvia to plan this surprise party!† And in case youíve forgotten, itís Carolís birthday!† Didnít you notice all the presents and the gigantic cake on the table?!
ROSS:† (Takes a good look around the room and realizes heís made a fool of himself.)† (Embarrassed, he mutters: ) Oh.
(Weíre back at the restaurant.† Joey, Rachel, Denise, and Joshua are still all sitting together.)
JOEY:† So then, I suggested Rachel could get Knicks tickets so that-
RACHEL:† (Cutting Joey off.)† So that Joshua would see how nice I was when I gave him two tickets just for him.
RACHEL:† So, what are you guys doing tonight?
DENISE:† We donít know yet.† What about you guys?
JOSHUA:† Oh, Rachelís coming over at my place.
JOEY:† Ooo, can we come?
JOEY:† I mean weíve got nothing better to do tonight.† What do you say?
DENISE:† Joey, you really shouldnít impose.
JOSHUA:† No, no, itís all right.
RACHEL:† (As sweetly as she can.)† Iím just gonna go to the bathroom now.† If youíll excuse me for just a little bit.† (She walks over to the bathroom and motions for Joey to come while Denise and Joshua are conversing.)
JOEY:† (Mouthing ďwhat?Ē)
RACHEL:† (Motions again.)
JOEY: (Gets up.)† Iíve gotta go to the bathroom.† (Goes over to Rachel and she pulls him by the ear and drags him into the womenís bathroom.)
(They are now inside the bathroom.)
JOEY:† (As Rachel releases his ear.)† Ow, what was that for?
RACHEL:† That was for embarrassing me and ruining my date with Joshua! (Hits Joey with her purse.)† And that, that was for ruining my date with him tonight!
JOEY:† What are you talking about?† Rachel do you realize this is the womenís bathroom?† I mean a woman could walk in here at any second!
RACHEL:† I donít care if a woman walks in here.† What embarrassment youíll feel then is just a teeny fraction of the embarrassment you put me through just now!† Oh and just a fraction of the suffering you will feel compared to what Iím going to do to you later!
JOEY:† Huh?† (Frightened, he takes a few steps back.)† Rach, youíre not making any sense!
RACHEL:† You come here and you interrupt my date with Joshua!† Then embarrass me by telling him how much I wanted him!† And then you butt in on the night when Iím supposed to sleep with him!
JOEY:† (Realizing.)† Oh, gosh Rachel, Iím so sorry!
RACHEL:† Well you should be.† About the embarrassment, and the interrupting, and the-
JOEY:† (Cuts Rachel off.)† Sex.
RACHEL:† Yes, but Joey you utterly humiliated me!† Iím mortified, I just want to crawl underneath a rock and die!
JOEY:† Yeah, yeah, Iím really sorry about all that too but youíve always gotta think about the sex.
(Itís a typical New York City sidewalk.† Itís evening now and Kristen and Chandler are walking together.)
KRISTEN:† So I was thinking tomorrow we should do something different, maybe go to a club or something.† You never seem to get out enough.
CHANDLER:† (Flatly.)† Yeah.
KRISTEN:† Whatís wrong?
KRISTEN:† Youíve been acting kind of weird.† Is something on your mind?
CHANDLER:† (Stops and faces Kristen.)† Kristen, how serious would you say we are?
KRISTEN:† Not very . . . yet.† Why?
CHANDLER:† Are we not so serious that you would forgive me if I did something . . . stupid?
KRISTEN:† Oh, well.† Iíve been doing that ever since I met you.† (Smiles.)
CHANDLER:† I really want to know.
KRISTEN:† Well, it would depend on what you did.
CHANDLER:† What if I cheated on you?
KRISTEN:† (Surprised, but not angry.)† What?
CHANDLER:† What if I cheated on you?
KRISTEN:† (Critical.)† Youíve been sleeping with someone else since we started dating?
CHANDLER:† No, of course not.† I just . . . kissed her.
CHANDLER:† What do you mean ďso?Ē
KRISTEN:† Weíve only been dating for two weeks and kissing isnít cheating.
CHANDLER:† Itís-itís not?
KRISTEN:† Not at all.† Well, maybe if your married.
CHANDLER:† (Relieved yet critical.)† Youíre not really a woman are you?
KRISTEN:† (Hits Chandler on the arm, playfully.)
(Itís Central Perk.† Itís still evening and Ross, Monica, and Phoebe Ė from left to right-are sitting on the couch.† Joeyís in the left chair.)
ROSS:† So then Carol walks in with Ben and everyone yells out ďsurprise!Ē again.
PHOEBE:† Anything else?
ROSS:† Yeah.† Susan officially hates me now for ruining Carolís precious party.
JOEY:† But sheís always hated you.† At least now she has a reason.
ROSS:† (Sarcastically and through clenched teeth.)† Wow, thatís great.† Real supportive of you, Jo.
MONICA:† Well, I hate to say it but I told you so!
ROSS:† Hey, what is this national gang up on Ross day?!
PHOEBE:† No it isnít.† I havenít said anything.
ROSS:† Thatís right.† Thank you Phoebe.
PHOEBE:† Youíre welcome, although you really should start minding your own business.
ROSS:† (Gives Phoebe a mad look.)
MONICA:† Hey, whereís Chandler?
PHOEBE:† Well he went out with Kristen around seven so he should be back by now.
MONICA:† OK, I guess Iíll be heading to bed now.† (Gets up.)
ROSS:† Now are you sure about that?† Joey just managed to put eight sugar packets in his tea and it still hasnít overflowed.
JOEY:† (Looks up and frowns at Ross.)
(Itís the hallway.† Monicaís standing in front the guysí apartment.)
MONICA:† (Knocks on the door.)
CHANDLER:† (Opens the door in a T-shirt and boxers.)† Mo-Monica!† Hey!† (Steps out and closes the door behind him.)
MONICA:† Hey.† I know I really shouldnít be bothering you but these past few days have been really weird.† I donít think anyoneís noticed that weíve been avoiding each other but still I-I just wanted to talk.
CHANDLER:† OK.† Iím sorry, if you wanted to talk, I just- I didnít know and-
MONICA:† (Cutting Chandler off.)† No, donít say that.† I think we should stop apologizing to each other.
CHANDLER:† Yeah, OK.
(An awkward pause.)
MONICA:† What do you think about this?
CHANDLER:† What do I- what?
MONICA:† I mean whatís happening between me and you.† What do you think?
CHANDLER: I um-
KRISTEN† (Opens the door wearing a robe.)† Chandler are you- Hey Monica!
MONICA:† (Is surprised and hurt.)† Hi.
KRISTEN:† Iím sorry.† Iíll just let you get back to talking.† (Goes back in and shuts the door behind her.)
(An awkward moment.† Chandler looks down.)
MONICA:† (Clearing her throat.)† So you slept with her.
CHANDLER:† Iím sorry, I just, Iím sorry!† I wish I hadnít.† I . . .
MONICA:† Donít apologize, remember?
CHANDLER:† No, I should.† I really should.† I canít believe I did this!
MONICA:† Iím gonna go to bed.† (She turns and walks over to her door.† She stops and turns around.)† You know what I hate?
CHANDLER:† (Looks confused.)
MONICA:† I hate, the fact that I canít hate her because she has no idea whatís going on between you and me and sheís blameless.
CHANDLER:† Yeah, well-
MONICA:† (Cutting Chandler off.)† And I hate the fact that I canít be mad at you because technically you didnít do anything wrong!
CHANDLER:† (Guiltily.) Iím sorry.
MONICA:† (Takes a deep breath before opening the door.† She turns and looks at Chandler.)† So am I.† (She shuts the door.)
(Itís Joshuaís apartment.† Itís a decent place and you can picture it any way youíd like.† We see Rachel and Joshua entering.)
RACHEL:† (As soon as the door is closed she kisses Joshua.)
JOSHUA:† What was that for?
RACHEL:† Do you have any um . . . candles?
JOSHUA:† Yeah.† Why?
RACHEL:† Just to be romantic.† (She sets her coat on the rack by the door.)
JOSHUA:† You know that friend of yours . . . what was his name- Tony?
JOSHUA:† He gave me this.† (Holds up a condom.)
RACHEL:† He did what?!
JOSHUA:† Yeah, I know.† As if either of us would do that our fourth date!
RACHEL:† (Makes a disappointed and fed up face.)