( We have a mystery visitor, a jilted Joey, and a tub with a giant bug. As a refresher, I'll pick up where I
left off. ...)

(Joey and Phoebe's. Chandler enters.)

JOEY: Hey, listen. If you're gonna be all sorry for me and tell me to leave Phoebe alone ...

CHANDLER: Oh, no. I think you should go for it.

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: I wasted so much time, you know, lusting from afar. And Ross and Rachel, I don't have to get
into that whole on-and-off fiasco, do I? ... You go after her. You kiss her sweetly on the lips. Then you kiss
her again. (Gets faraway looks in his eyes.) Then you get interrupted, but she comes to your hotel room and
kisses you, really hard. And then ...

JOEY: Uh, hello!

CHANDLER: Sorry. Don't let her go, man. I've gotta go. ... Jamaica, Baby!!! (Does his little dance out the
door into the hallway. Monica is at the door, talking to a person whom we can only see from the back. She
has a shocked look on her face. Upon seeing this, Chandler stops dancing. The visitor slowly turns around.)

CHANDLER: (Pointing his finger at the person) No. No. No. Make that the second thing I didn't want to
see today. What is this, Freak Out Chandler Day?

VISITOR: I guess I deserve that after not seeing you for 10 years.

CHANDLER: Let's make it another decade. MONICA: (Nervous.) Would you like to come in?

CHANDLER: No. No, he wouldn't. Don't you have some football player to chase, Dad? Not enough action in
Vegas? (He pushes his way through the door past Monica and slams it shut, leaving her and Mr. Bing
outside.)

MONICA: I'm sorry. I ... BING: (Interrupting.) Considering I wasn't invited to your wedding, I should
have known that I wouldn't be invited inside your home. (He walks off, obviously hurt and depressed.)

(Opening Credits and theme song)

(Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler is wheeling their luggage toward the door. The duck comes
waddling out of the guest room.)

DUCK: Quack. Quack.

CHANDLER: (Agitated) Get over it! We're only leaving for a week. ... If you're so upset, fly south and
meet us there! (Monica enters.) Hey. Come on, our plane leaves in an hour.

MONICA: Chandler. Don't you think you should talk to ...

CHANDLER: (Interrupts) If you're going to say Joey, I already did. If you're going to say my father,
I'm going to say mind your own business.

MONICA: Don't get mad at me because you and your father don't get along.

CHANDLER: (Sincere) You're right. I'm sorry.

MONICA: You should give your father a chance to say that.

CHANDLER: You're one to give advice. You cower before your mother. Here's a great relationship. (In
whiny high voice) Monica, stand up straight. Monica, get a real job. Monica, fluff up those pillows. Monica,
your looking a bit hippy. You didn't even tell her you had a miscarriage for God's sake!

(Monica storms out.)

CHANDLER: Oh, she's going to divorce me over that.

(Central Perk. Joey is there talking to Gunther. Phoebe enters.)

JOEY: Hey, Phebes!

PHOEBE: Hi.

JOEY: Listen, I wanted to talk to you about ... (Chandler comes running into the coffeehouse, distraught.)

CHANDLER: (Out of breath) Have you seen my wife?

JOEY: How Chandler is starting to sound an awful lot like Ross.

PHOEBE: What happened?

CHANDLER: (Huffing and puffing.) Huge fight. Missed flight. No honeymoon. Father's here. Stupid ass.

JOEY: You're father or Monica?

CHANDLER: No, me. (Regaining composure.) I said something stupid.

JOEY: So did Phoebe.

PHOEBE: What?

JOEY: I said, "That's unseemly."

CHANDLER: Oh, my God. It's the apocalypse. My father's in town. Joey said "unseemly."

JOEY: (Trying to get rid of Chandler so he can talk to Phoebe) Hey, look, there's Monica! (He points
outside. Chandler runs out.)

PHOEBE: That's not Monica. That's Mr. Heckles.

JOEY/PHOEBE: Oh, my God!!!

(Ross and Rachel. Rachel comes home. The walls of the apartment are covered with displays of giant dead
bugs. She screams. Ross enters from the kitchen.)

ROSS: You like it? I call it Land of the Ross.

(Rachel backs up into the door in horror and jumps. There's a giant grasshopper display on the door.)

(Chandler and Monica's. A day later. Chandler is pacing about the room. He still hasn't heard from Monica.
There's a knock on the door. He opens it.)

CHANDLER: Bing. There's the bell folks. Second round.

BING: I didn't come here to fight. I came here to reconcile -- and to help. I saw Joey in the hall. He told
me Monica left.

CHANDLER: What could you possible do for me? Hit on the houseboy? No, oh, you already did that!
Abandon me? No, uh, you already did that? Guess we have all your skills covered.

BING: Why don't you call your detective friend? Gary, is it?

CHANDLER: Why? Do you like ... That's not a bad idea. He could put out an ABP on her. It's been 24
hours. (Picks up the phone and dials.) (The coffeehouse. Joey and Phoebe are there.)

JOEY: Uh, Phebes. (Takes her hand.) I think you're making a big mistake. And I'll prove it. (He goes over
to the stage and picks up a microphone.) This song is for you. (He turns on a karaoke machine. Phoebe looks
at him in horror.) He sings: What would you say if I told you I always wanted to hold you. What do you
think we're afraid of? Nothing would change if we made love. And I'll be your friend. And I'll be your
lover. And I know in our hearts we'll agree We can be both to each other.

PHOEBE: Wait. Wait. Stop. ... You know I can't resist your voice. (Gary enters. Gary spots Phoebe.
Phoebe spots him. Everyone is staring at Gary.)

JOEY: Great. Busted.

(Chandler and Monica's. Chandler and his father are there.)

CHANDLER: How did you know about Gary?

BING: Your mother tells me everything.

CHANDLER: Nice try. I hardly ever talk to her.

BING: No, but Monica does. She and your mother have talked once a week since Monica had the
miscarriage. Listen, I'm sorry for your loss.

CHANDLER: Thank you. I almost lost Monica, too.

BING: I know. She seems wonderful, and she's pretty hot. (Chandler gives him a strange look.) Well, I still
know a beautiful woman when I see one. (Jokingly) I don't wear my "gay goggles" all the time.

CHANDLER: (Laughs) OK.

BING: And she understands how important family is.

CHANDLER: (Realizing) Yeah, she does. (Monica enters.)

CHANDLER: Thank God. Where have you been?

MONICA: My parents.

CHANDLER: That would have been the last place I checked.

BING: (Uncomfortable) Chandler, I'll be in town for a few weeks. Why don't you call me ... when you get
back from your honeymoon.

CHANDLER: I will Dad. Thanks for being here. (Mr. Bing smiles and leaves.)

(Tag: Rachel and Ross's. Rachel enters with her hand over her eyes. Ross is there.)

RACHEL: Ok, Honey. As much as I love the whole Arachnid atmosphere you've got going here, I think we
need to redecorate.

ROSS: Well, first of all, these aren't all arachnids. Arachnids are ...

RACHEL: (Interrupts) OK. OK. Missing the whole point. (She throws a flyer at him.)

ROSS: Pottery Barn is having a big sale? Everything in the store is 20 percent off? Oh, my God. They
never do that.

RACHEL: I know! (They hurry out the door. Movers come in and start taking the bugs off the wall.)