TOW the Hasty Retreat
                                        by: Eileen
 

This takes place on the day that Rachel and Chandler move out. It is has nothing to do with my other fanfics. ... Rachel moves in
with Joey. Yeah, let's give Joey a break. He wanted her to move in so much, let's make it happen.

(Scene: In the doorway of Monica and Chandler’s apartment. (Wow, I love saying that.) Their apartment
door is open and so is Joey and Rachel’s. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Joey are saying their goodbyes.
They have the appropriate moving attire on — jeans, cruddy shirts, sneakers.)

MONICA: Well, I guess that’s everything.

(Rachel and Monica look at each other and hug. They’re very emotional.)

RACHEL: I’m gonna miss you so much.

MONICA: Me, too.

(Joey and Chandler aren’t looking at each other. Joey turns away from the rest of the gang and wipes a
tear from his eye.)

CHANDLER: (All choked up) See you tomorrow for the Knicks game, right, Joe?

JOEY: (Mutters) Yeah. (He leaves. Rachel follows and Chandler and Monica shut the door.)

CHANDLER: Could that have BEEN any more difficult?

MONICA: No. (They hug.) Well, I guess it’s just us.

CHANDLER: Yeah.

MONICA: What do you want to do? (They look at each other ... then Monica grabs Chandler and kisses
him against the door.)

CHANDLER: You’re the best roommate ever.

(Scene: Joey and Rachel’s apartment. They’re sitting there staring at the television, depressed.)

RACHEL: What do we do now?

JOEY: What about strip poker?

(Rachel gives him a dirty look.)

JOEY: Hey, how about ultimate fireball??

RACHEL: No, the last time we played that, you burned all the hair off my calves.

JOEY: Well, you didn’t have to shave for a while. It’s both fun and a time-saver.

RACHEL: Hey, "Weekend at Bernie’s" is on. Do you want to see if those guys want to watch, too?

JOEY: Yeah, I do!

(They get up, go to the door, open it and step out into the hallway. They hear sounds of passion up against
Monica and Chandler’s door. It’s not what you think. Well, not exactly.)

RACHEL/JOEY: I don’t think they’re interested. Nah.

(Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Monica is looking frantically through the bathroom.)

MONICA: I can’t believe you don’t have one in your wallet.

CHANDLER: Well, I did earlier when we had that what-does-it-sound-like-on-bubble-wrap adventure.

MONICA: They’ve always been in this drawer. ... It’s Rachel. The bitch took them with her.

CHANDLER: Bitch? This is the same woman you were crying over this morning when she packed up the big
plate. You told her you love her like a sister.

MONICA: That was before she took all the condoms. And, technically, she is my sister; Ross never got the
annulment. Our first night living together and no sex.

CHANDLER: Hey, it’s just like college. (Monica gives him a snide look.)

(Scene: Monica and Chandler’s late at night. They’re in bed and restless. They look at each other and start
making out.)

MONICA: Wait! Wait! I think there’s a condom in my purse.

CHANDLER: (Frantic) Get it! Get it! (Monica stares at him.) Please.

(Monica comes running back in with her purse. She’s rummaging through it madly.)

MONICA: I found it! I found it! ... Oh, God.

CHANDLER: What?

MONICA: It’s the Vegas condom.

CHANDLER: The glow-in-the-dark kind?

MONICA: No. The one that you’ve had since you were 12. The one your mother gave you.

CHANDLER: (Disappointed) Oh.

(They stare at each other. Chandler grabs her and they fall down on the bed.)

(Scene: Chandler and Monica’s apartment. Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are having breakfast.)

PHOEBE: So, Monica, what time should I come over Thursday?

MONICA: For what, Pheebes?

PHOEBE: You know, Turkey Day. Thanksgiving. The bad day to be a bird. What time is dinner?

MONICA: Phoebe, Thanksgiving isn’t for another week. I haven’t even thought about the menu yet. I don’t
want to freak Chandler out. You know how he hates Thanksgiving, let alone hosting it.

RACHEL: Mon, today’s the 23th. Thanksgiving is two days away.

MONICA: No, it’s not. It can’t be. (She runs over to the calendar.) That would make me late. (Stares at
the calendar shocked.)

PHOEBE: Late for what?

MONICA: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It can’t be unplanned!

(She runs out of the apartment.)

PHOEBE: (To Rachel) Now you’ve done it.

(Scene: Ross’s apartment that afternoon. There’s a knock at the door. He answers it.)

ROSS: Hey, Mon. (He leans it to kiss her hello and notices she’s been crying — hard.) What’s wrong?

MONICA: Help me.

(Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Joey and Rachel are there. Chandler and Joey are up at the counter
getting coffee.)

JOEY: (To Chandler) It’s so cool. I’m thinking, Rachel’s friends come over and I hit on them.

CHANDLER: Great plan, Joe. But Rachel’s friends are Phoebe and Monica, and I know which one you’re not
going to hit on.

JOEY: Yeah, Phoebe and I have been friends for too long. I don’t want to mess that up.

(Chandler shoots Joey a look. From the doorway we hear ...)

JANICE: Oh, my God!!!!! My Bing-a-ling is back!

CHANDLER: Oh, no no no.

JANICE: (Runs over to him.) Oh, we can pick up right where we left off.

CHANDLER: Oh, no no no.

(She kisses him passionately. He’s caught totally off-guard. Monica walks into Central Perk and sees them.
They stop kissing. Chandler is grossed out. He notices Monica.)

CHANDLER: Oh, no no no.

(He runs after her.)

JANICE: Chandler! Where are you going?

CHANDLER: I’m needed in Yemen.

(Scene: Chandler and Monica’s apartment. Chandler bursts in, looking for Monica. He runs toward their
bedroom. She comes out, rolling her suitcase behind her.)

CHANDLER: Where are you going? It’s not what you think! Where are you going?

MONICA: (Crying) I’m going away for a week. I want you and your stuff out of here by the time I get
back.

CHANDLER: Monica, you don’t understand. It was a mistake .. uh, an accident.

MONICA: (Cuts him off) I know what I saw. .. Goodbye, Chandler. I never expected this from you ... and
after all this time.

(The door slams.)

(Scene: Monica and Chandler’s the next morning. He’s on the phone. He’s wearing sweat pants. He’s a mess.)

CHANDLER: She’s not staying with you? Are you lying to me?!! .... Hello?

(Enter Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel. They stop and stare at him.)

JOEY: You and Monica didn’t make up, huh?

CHANDLER: She didn’t even give me a chance to explain.

ROSS: What did you do? What did you say to her?

CHANDLER: I told her it was a mistake, an accident.

ROSS: Oh, man! I told her you’d freak when she told you she was pregnant, but I thought you’d behave like
a standup-kinda guy.

CHANDLER: WHAT!!!!??? (Imagine the shocked look on everyone else’s faces.)

ROSS: I told her that you’d freak out but that you would calm down and talk about it rationally.

CHANDLER: SHE’S PREGNANT?! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! (He stumbles into his
Barcalounger and sits down.)

ROSS: I take it she didn’t tell you.

CHANDLER: (Sarcastic) No.

JOEY: She never got a chance to after she saw Chandler and Janice making out.

PHOEBE/ROSS: WHAT!??

CHANDLER: We weren’t making out; Janice was kissing me.

PHOEBE: No wonder Monica was so upset. She burned rubber when she took off in my Grandma’s cab.

CHANDLER: (Grabs Phoebe by the shoulders and starts shaking her) Where is she? Where is she?!

PHOEBE: I don’t know. She just asked for the keys.

ROSS: She’s gone to Florida. She called me this morning to get directions to our grandmother’s.

(Scene: Grammie Geller’s oceanside home in Fort Pierce, Fla. There’s a knock at the door.)

GRAM: You must be Chandler.

CHANDLER: Hi, Mrs. Geller.

GRAM: She’s really upset. ... And you love her, coming all this way to make things right.

CHANDLER: I do.

GRAM: She’s out on the dock. ... Here bring these crackers with you. They’re good for morning sickness.

CHANDLER: You know about that?

GRAM: Now I’m sure of it. ... I’m not stupid, Chandler. She keeps running out of the house to throw up
behind a sand dune.

(Chandler awkwardly takes the crackers and leaves.)

(Scene: A dock. Monica is sitting with her legs hanging over the edge on the end.)

CHANDLER: (He walks up behind Monica, kneels down, and places the saltine crackers next to her.) I hear
these are good for morning sickness.

(Monica looks up and is shocked to see him.)

CHANDLER: Are you feeling better, ‘cause we have a lot to talk about.

(Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. The apartment is dark. They’re walking in. They’re all dressed
up. It’s obvious that they have been out for the evening.)

MONICA: That was the best dinner I’ve ever had.

CHANDLER: Well, when you’ve only eaten goldfish crackers for a week, anything tastes good.

(Monica kisses him.)

MONICA: Well, I guess we found a way that we can both enjoy Rachel’s room. (Chandler looks at her,
puzzled.) ... A nursery.

CHANDLER: Right. (He walks toward their bedroom, passing by the picture window.) Hey, look what Ross
did to his apartment!

(Monica runs up and looks out the window. Her facial expression turns from studious to shocked. She looks
at Chandler, back out the window, then at Chandler again.)

CHANDLER: How’s that for a sign?

(She looks out the window again. There’s a big sign taped up in Ross’s window that says, "MONICA, WILL
YOU MARRY ME?"

What will she say?