To bring you up to speed: Ross and Rachel are back together, but not married. Ross has asked Rachel to move in with her.
Chandler and Monica were secretly married in Las Vegas. The gang knows, but nobody else does. They are planning the
wedding of Monica's dreams — or nightmares. You decide. Phoebe has renovated Chandler and Joey's apartment because she's
moving in there after the wedding. Purely platonic.

(Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler, Joey, Rachel and Phoebe are there hanging out.)

RACHEL: So, I'm sitting there in his apartment watching TV, waiting for him to come home so we can go out. I pull out this home video. It's of Ross being potty-trained. He's wearing the cutest little pair of Scooby Doo underpants and he's jumping around screaming, "I went pee. I went pee." It was so cute!

CHANDLER: Sure, when I say it, it's not cute.

(Enter Ross. Various hellos are exchanged.)

ROSS: Monica's right behind me. Whatever you do, don't say anything to set her off. It's bad. Very bad.

CHANDLER: OK, Shaggy!

PHOEBE: Zoinks!

JOEY: Scoobie Doobie Dooooooooooo!

(Ross stares at them, confused. The phone rings and Rachel answers it. Enter Monica)

RACHEL: Monica, it's for you. It's your mom.

(Monica takes the phone and chucks it out the kitchen window.)

RACHEL: That's alright. We don't need a phone.

JOEY: Hey, now we can try my two-cans-and-a-string idea!

PHOEBE: What happened?

MONICA: (She's pacing around the room.) She's driving me crazy! (Imitates her mother) You're serving fish? Your brother doesn't like fish! You're wearing your hair up? Your ears aren't your best feature. Tulips are for funerals. Nag! Nag! Nag!

ROSS: It wasn't that bad.

MONICA: Ross, she told me I should wear black! (Imitating her mother again) If you wear white, everyone will think you're a liar! (To Chandler) I came this close to telling her we were already married and that we could hold the reception at a Chuck E. Cheese's for all I care! I can't believe she's going with me to my final dress fitting today.

RACHEL: (Hugs her.) In a few days it will all be over. You'll be Mrs. Bing publically and she can find something else to nag you about. Like grandchildren and will they be born with a third nipple like Chandler was.

MONICA: OH, MY GOD! (To Chandler) Is that hereditary?!

CHANDLER: Thanks a lot, Rach. Mon, it's going to be fine. Forget about what she says. It will be the greatest day of our lives. (He hugs her and they kiss — somewhat more passionately than they should in front of company.)

ROSS: On that note. ... Rach, I think we have a lunch reservation to keep.

JOEY: Are you going to take her in the Magic Mystery Machine?

OPENING CREDITS ...

(Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Chandler and Joey are there. Enter Phoebe.)

PHOEBE: It was so great!!!! Great! Great! Great!

ROSS: What? What? What?

PHOEBE: Your mom was letting Monica have it left and right. Don't do this. Don't do that.

CHANDLER: And you enjoyed that?

PHOEBE: No, impatient one. ... So, she was really driving her nuts. But when Monica came out of the dressing room in her wedding gown, your mom started to cry. She was sobbing and saying, "I can't believe my baby's getting married." It was so sweet!

(Enter Monica and Rachel. Monica is beaming.)

MONICA: I had the best afternoon. (The phone rings. She picks it up.) Hi, Mom. . .But ... But ... Fine! (She slams down the phone.) I knew it wouldn't last.

RACHEL: Oh, Honey, your motherless wedding shower will make up for all of this tomorrow. And don't break the new phone.

CHANDLER: (Feigning enthusiasm) Oh, wedding shower. Wohoo! Sounds like a real party!

PHOEBE: You're not invited.

(Chandler and Ross high-five.)

(Scene: Hallway. Chandler and Ross are coming up the stairway. They hear the music blaring from Monica and Rachel's apartment.)

ROSS: I bet they're doing really girly things — waxing their legs, painting their nails, gossiping.

CHANDLER: (Snide) Bet it's a real fun fest.

(Two women come up the stairs carrying presents. They say hi to Chandler and Ross.)

ROSS: (Sarcastically) So, are you girls ready to pahtay!

GIRL: Oh, yeah! It's such a great idea, disguising a bachelorette party as a wedding shower. Monica had no idea, huh?

CHANDLER (Panicked) No! And neither did I! What happens at a bachelorette party?

GIRL2: Whatever happens at a bachelor party, but for girls. (Rachel opens the door and they enter the apartment. Chandler tries to get a peek in the door but fails. ... A police officer comes up the stairs and stops in front of Rachel and Monica's door.)

OFFICER: Is this the home of Monica Geller?

ROSS: Yes, officer. I'm sorry the music is so loud. I promise you they'll keep it down. My sister's getting married. She's just excited and they're throwing her a party.

OFFICER: I know. That's why I'm here. I'm the stripper.

CHANDLER: What?!!! No strippers!! Brides don't get strippers! For grooms only!

OFFI CER: Man, I don't do that kind of thing. You'll want to call 56-JUMBO. (He knocks on the door and Rachel answers it.)

RACHEL: (Feigning fear) Mon, it's the police! (Monica hurries over.)

MONICA: We're so sorry officer. We'll try to keep it down.

OFFICER: That's not the point. (He goes in and shuts the door. We hear Monica scream from behind the
door.)

MONICA: Oh, my God!!! ... Now, that's what I call a moving violation!

CHANDLER: Oh, my God! She's in there with a stripper! A stripper!!!! (He tries the door, but it's locked. He starts pounding on the door.)

RACHEL: (From behind the door) Chandler you're not invited. Get lost! ... Well, hello, officer!

(Ross starts pounding on the door. Joey walks up the stairway.)

JOEY: Having a little trouble on Lover's Lane?

CHANDLER: They have a stripper in there!

JOEY: A stripper!!! Is she hot????

ROSS: A male stripper!!

JOEY: Oh. Ohhhh!!!

(Chandler is trying to look through the peephole.)

CHANDLER: I can't see a thing and they're probably seeing everything!

JOEY: To the fire escape, men!

(Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. The balcony. The guys are climbing up over the side. They crawl on the ground commando-style.)

ROSS: Do you see anything?

JOEY: The stripper's gone. But he could be in another room, like the bathroom or the bedroom.

CHANDLER AND ROSS: What?!!!

CHANDLER, JOEY AND ROSS: Shhhhhhhh!!!

(They listen.)

GIRL2: So, how did you and Chandler get together anyway?

MONICA: It was so sweet. It was in London at the rehearsal dinner for Ross's wedding.

(Flashback: The Interlude restaurant.)

CHANDLER: The guy was hammered. There's no way you look like Ross's mother.

MONICA: Then why would he say it?

CHANDLER: Because he's crazy! Earlier, he thanked me for my very moving performance in "Titanic"!

MONICA: (half-smiles) My mother's right; I'm never going to get married.

CHANDLER: You know that's ... who wouldn't want you?

MONICA: I'm a single mother with a 30-year-old son!

(Monica walks over the bar and pours another shot of scotch.)

CHANDLER: Put that down. (He takes the glass from her hand and sets it down.) Come're. (He hugs her.) You'll get married, and that guy's going to be the luckiest guy in the world, in my opinion. ... You don't know how beautiful, how wonderful you are, do you? (He hugs her tighter, and she hugs just as tightly
back. She has her head on his chest.) And like I said before, if worse comes to worst, I'll be your boyfriend.

(Silence)

CHANDLER: I at least thought I'd get a chuckle out of you for that.

MONICA: (Looks up at him.) I guess I don't think it's funny anymore.

(Chandler is startled. He looks down at her confused. He looks into her eyes, then sweetly kisses her on the lips. They pull apart for a second, then kiss again. The kiss becomes really intense, then we hear ...)

ROSS: Dad, what if you pay for the lawn ornaments, but forget the wine cellar?

GELLER: Why doesn't he just pick my pockets?

(Chandler and Monica quickly push away from each other. Nervous.)

ROSS: (To them.) Hey.

JACK: Chandler, can I ask you a favor?

CHANDLER: (Still nervous.) Yeesss.

JACK: Can you escort Monica back to the hotel, see that she gets back safely? We have to settle the bill here.

CHANDLER: (He looks at Monica nervously.) Suuure.

(Scene: The hallway of the London Marriott hotel. Chandler is walking Monica back to her room. It's very awkward. They stand in front of her door.)

MONICA: Sooo. ... It's getting late. I guess I'll see you at breakfast.

CHANDLER: Yeah, breakfast. Um, goodnight.

(Monica goes into her room and leans against the door. Chandler goes to his room down the hall and starts pacing.)

CHANDLER: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That was unbelievable! ... I should go back there. ... That's insane!

(There's a knock on the door. Chandler opens it. It's Monica.)

MONICA: Chandler, I just wanted to ...

(Chandler grabs her and kisses her passionately, leading her into his room. She shuts the door. They're still kissing.)

CHANDLER: You wanted to what?

MONICA: Finish that kiss and any others that follow.

CHANDLER: Is that the booze or you talking?

MONICA: It's me, but if it's the booze, I'm listening. (More kissing.)

(Present day)

GIRL1: That's so sweet!

RACHEL: Oh, yeah! And then they did it seven times!!!!

(Screams of laughter are heard from the room.)

ROSS: (Really loud) OH, MY GOD!!! THAT WAS YOU, YOU AND MY SISTER!?

(The women run over to the window and see the guys sitting out there.)

(Scene: Outside Rachel and Monica's apartment. The girls are pushing the guys out. Phoebe is pulling Joey by his ear.)

PHOEBE: And stay out!

ROSS: (To Chandler) I can't believe it. I can't believe it was you.

CHANDLER: (Agitated) What? What?

(Flashback: Yes, I'm sorry another one. The London Marriott. Ross and Emily are walking down the hall.)

ROSS: I just want to make sure Chandler has the ring, then we can call it a night.

(He hears sounds of passion coming from Chandler and Joey's hotel room.)

ROSS: Looks like someone got a bridesmaid!

EMILY: What?

ROSS: Looks like Joey hooked up with your bridesmaid.

EMILY: Felicity and Joey? Oh, my.

(They laugh.)

ROSS: Come on. Chandler's probably downstairs at the bar.

(Present day.)

CHANDLER: Sorry, not meant for brother's ears.

JOEY: Seven times? (Looks at Chandler confused.) You?

ROSS: (Punches Chandler lightly in the arm.) Don't worry, man. Their party is going to be nothing compared to ours. The Amazing, The Fantastic Gandolf the Wizard!

CHANDLER: (Excited) We are so going to party!

JOEY: Seven? Seven times?

(They leave a confused Joey standing in the hallway.)

(Scene: The rehearsal dinner. Mrs. Geller is trailing Monica around the room, picking on her.)

JUDY: Have you thought about the rice? We're not throwing rice, are we? The birds eat it, then they die.

(Monica runs up to Chandler)

MONICA: Let's run off together. Save me.

CHANDLER: Sorry, we have some partying to do.

(Enter David Spade as Gandolf the Wizard.)

WIZ: And no chicks are allowed. Wait to you see what I have planned for you, my man!

(Scene: An Iowa cornfield. Chandler is passed out drunk, face-first in the dirt.)

CHANDLER: (Groggily) Monica, I'm telling ya, this mattress you bought sucks. (He lifts his head up slowly, dealing with a vicious hangover.) Oh, oh. Toto, I don't think we're in the village anymore.

JOEY: What? Where the hell are we?

ROSS: Please, stop with the yelling. Where the hell are we?

CHANDLER: Well, there's nothing but corn, so I'm gonna say MANHATTAN! Oh, oh, that hurts. What time is it?

ROSS: 10.

CHANDLER: Oh, my God! I'm getting married in four hours and I smell like Mr. Ed. (To Ross) Give me your cell phone. I'm so dead. She's gonna kill me dead. .. (He takes the phone, dials, listens then chucks it.)

JOEY: God, is that a couple thing?

CHANDLER: Of course we're out of the service area; we're on Old McDonald's Farm!!!!

(They hear a tractor. They start running. Well, as fast as people with bad hangovers can run. The farmer sees them and cuts the motor.)

ROSS: (To farmer) Um, excuse me. What state are we in?

FARMER: I'd say drunken.

(Cut to scene of the guys riding on the tractor with the farmer.)

CHANDLER: At this rate, we'll get there like NEVER!

(Scene: A really old and beautiful church. Ross, Joey and Chandler come stumbling in. They are dressed in their tuxes.)

RACHEL: Where have you been?

ROSS: (Panting) Why is everyone leaving?

RACHEL: Monica called off the wedding.

CHANDLER: What?! I'm here! (Yells at people passing by.) The wedding's not off! Everyone get back in there! False alarm! False alarm!

RACHEL: Well, you better set things straight with Monica. She's in there. (She points to a room off to the side of the vestibule. Chandler heads toward it.)

ROSS: Wait! Wait! You can't go in there. You can't see the bride before the wedding. You'll jinx it!

CHANDLER: (Freaking out) What else could go wrong? She could call the wedding off. No, she already did that!

(Ross opens the door and goes in.)

ROSS: Mon, why aren't you dressed? AHHHHH!!!!

MONICA: Is HE out there with you?

ROSS: (Weakly) Can't speak. Too much pain.

(Ross opens the door and crawls out of the room. The door closes with a slam. Chandler starts pounding on the door.)

CHANDLER: Monica, come on. I'm sorry I was late. It wasn't my fault. Come on.

(A tiny, meek-looking old woman walks up and taps him on the shoulder.)

WOMAN: Are you Chandler?

CHANDLER: (Startled) What? Yeesss.

WOMAN: Welcome to the family. She sweetly squeezes his arm.

(She opens the door and walks in.)

WOMAN: There's my Monnie.

MONICA: Grammie Geller. Oh, my God. You flew up here from Florida for this? Oh, I'm so sorry. ... AAAHHHH!

(The door opens.)

GRAMMIE: (Barks her orders.) Chandler turn around. You can't see her before the wedding.

(Grammie is pulling Monica by the ear. Monica is dressed in jeans and a sweater.)

GRAMMIE: Chandler, do you love her?

CHANDLER: Yes.

GRAMMIE: Do you want to marry her?

CHANDLER: More than anything.

GRAMMIE: Monnie, do you love him?

MONICA: Yes.

GRAMMIE: Do you want to marry him?

MONICA: Yes, but ...

GRAMMIE: Then get in there and get your damn dress on. I didn't fly all the way up here to listen to your mother bitch. (To Phoebe who's standing off to the side watching all this with Joey.) Hey, blondie. Get over here and help her get dressed.

(Scene: Inside the main part of the church. Chandler is standing in front of the altar. The music starts. Joey and Phoebe are walking up the aisle.)

JOEY: Phoebe, you look great.

PHOEBE: Yeah, thanks. That doesn't mean your getting Chandler's room, though! Nice try!

JOEY: Damn it.

(Rachel and Ross start walking down the aisle.)

RACHEL: Phoebe said I could rent her place when she moves in with Joey.

ROSS: (Disappointed) Really.

RACHEL: I'd rather live with you.

(She leaves a startled Ross standing at the front of the church. In walks Ben, escorting two of Phoebe's nieces. He gives Ross a wink as he escorts them to their seats.)

JOEY: Taught him everything he knows.

(Ross gives him a stare. The "Bridal March" starts. All eyes are fixed on Monica. She beautiful.)

JOEY: Wow, look at Monica.

(Her father escorts her down the aisle and up to Chandler.)

MINISTER: Who gives this woman away?

JACK: Her mother and I do. (To Chandler) Take care of my Little Harmonica.

CHANDLER: I will, Dad. (Mr. Geller stares at him. Shocked.) Um, sir.

(Chandler and Monica step up onto the altar. The music stops. Pan of the audience. Everyone is there: Nora Bing, Mr. Treeger, Gunther, Richard, everyone.)

MINISTER: Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to share in the love that Monica and Chandler have for each other. Marriage is not something to take lightly or to enter into inadvisably.

CHANDLER: (Whispers to Monica) Deja vu, huh?

(Monica just smiles back.)

MINISTER: Monica and Chandler have written their own vows.

MONICA: (Crying softly.) Chandler, you were my friend first and then you became my soulmate. When you kissed me that first time, I saw stars. When you told me you loved me, I went to the moon. Now, I see Heaven. ... I, Monica, take you, Chandler, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and
in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love, honor and cherish you all the days of my life.

CHANDLER: Monica, you're marrying a stupid man. I went searching all over New York trying to find Mrs. Right, the one, but she was living across the hall from me the whole time. I wish I had figured it out sooner. ... I, Chandler, take you, Monica, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in
bad, in sickness and in health. I will love, honor and cherish you all the days of my life.

MINISTER: The rings please.

MONICA: With this ring, I thee wed.

CHANDLER: With this ring, I thee wed.

MINISTER: Chandler and Monica have declared their love for one another. If anyone should object to this union, they should speak now or forever hold their peace.

(From the back of the church, we hear a nasal cry of )

JANICE: Oh, my God!!! It's true. I read it in the paper and it's true!!!!!

MONICA AND CHANDLER: (Saying it like Janice does.) OH, MY GOD!

MINISTER: Miss, are you objecting?

JANICE: (Hesitantly) No.

MINISTER: Then, please take your seat!

JANICE: Goodbye, my Bing-a-ling.

MINISTER: Does anyone have any objections to this union. ... By the power vested in me by the city of New York, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

MONICA: Deja vu, huh?

(Chandler smiles then kisses her. The kiss ends and he kisses her on the forehead.)

MINISTER: It's my pleasure to introduce to you Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Bing.

(Applause.)

CHANDLER: It's official.

The End