TOW THE IN-LAWS

by: Eileen
 

TOW the In-laws. This takes place after Monica returns home from the hospital. To bring you up to speed: Monica and
Chandler are secretly married, but Joey, Phoebe, Ross and Rachel know about it. Ross and Rachel are back together. Joey and
Phoebe, well, they're Joey and Phoebe. That's why we love them so much.

(Scene: Chandler's and Joey's apartment. Chandler is talking on the phone. Monica is listening intently.)

CHANDLER: Hi, Mary. It's Chandler. ... Chandler Bing. Is my mother there?... What do you mean she's
not available for comment? ... (Sarcastically) Well, tell MOM that her son's getting married and that he
thought she might like to know. (He hangs up. To Monica) Well, that was a Kodak moment.

MONICA: One parent down. Another set to go. I thought we should tell them this weekend. I'll have them
over for dinner. I can't wait to see my mother's face when we tell her.

CHANDLER: What does my mom look like again?

(Joey comes out of the bathroom.)

JOEY: She's hot with a great rack!!!

(The both stare at him in disbelief.)

(Scene: Monica's and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is there except Joey. They're eating breakfast.
Phoebe gulps down some coffee. Rachel comes up behind her, holding the coffee pot.)

RACHEL: Do you want a refill, Pheebs?

PHOEBE: Aaahh!

MONICA: What's wrong, Phoebe? You're so edgy.

PHOEBE: You would be too if you drank five cups of coffee. My neighbor, you know the geeky guy who
carries that lunch box with him all the time? He's got a girlfriend now, and they're keeping me up every
night doing it. He squeaks more than the bed does. (To Chandler) He says you were his inspiration.

CHANDLER: (Impressed) Really?

PHOEBE: He thought that if you could get a girlfriend, so could he.

MONICA: Why don't you just tell them to quiet down? Bang on the wall or something.

PHOEBE: I tried that. He said I ruined his rhythm and he got all pissed off. Now, he blasts polka music to
drown me out. All I hear all night is "Roll out the barrel, we'll have a barrel of fun."

(Joey enters holding the telephone.)

JOEY: Chandler, it's your mom's secretary.

CHANDLER: I should send HER the cards on Mother's Day. (Takes the phone.) Hello? ... OK. When? ...
Thanks. Bye. (Hangs up. To Monica) My mom is flying into town today, and she wants to take us out to
dinner tomorrow night. She's going to be on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" tonight.

ROSS: Your mom is so cool.

CHANDLER: Just keep your hands to yourself, there, Mother Kisser. (Ross steps back.)

(Scene: Monica's and Rachel's apartment later that night. They're watching TV, waiting for Nora Tyler
Bing to come on. Phoebe is sound asleep with her head on the coffee table. Joey sits down in the armchair
and sets his beer down on the table.)

MONICA: Joey use a coaster!

(Joey looks around for one, adjusts Phoebe's hair and sets his drink on it.)

CONAN: Next up we have the always sexy Nora Tyler Bing, who's just published her latest book, "Denim
Prison." (Music plays and out she comes, wearing a slinky dress.)

JOEY: Wow! (Chandler shoots him a dirty look.) Ah, look how tall Conan O'Brien is.

CONAN: (Kisses her on the cheek. The audience woohoos.) Wow, so you've been a busy lady. Writing new
books, jetting off to Argentina with a hunky 20 year old.

CHANDLER: I bet his mother calls him.

EVERYONE: Sshhhh!!

NORA: Well, the bad news is that relationship ended. The sex just wasn't what I had hoped.

CHANDLER: Oh, my God!

NORA: The good news is that I'm here in New York because my son, Chandler, is getting married. I'm so
proud.

EVERYONE: Awww. (Monica is beaming.)

NORA: He's marrying one of his closest friends. She's a chef, and she's sweet and beautiful. Hi, Monica!
(She waves at the camera.)

MONICA: (Touched) That's so sweet!

PHOEBE: (Jumps up, sending the beer flying all over Monica on the couch). What?!

MONICA: Aahh! (She jumps up and grabs towels from the bathroom. She tries to clean up the floor and
herself. The phone rings. Ross answers it.)

ROSS: Hello?... Hi, Mom. ... Calm down, calm down. ... She's right here.

MONICA and CHANDLER: Ohhhh.

MONICA: (Nervous) Hi! ... It's true. ... (Agitated) Yes, yes. We can't. ... Fine. (Hangs up. To Chandler)
She's pissed and she wants us to come over for dinner tomorrow night.

CHANDLER: Well, that gives me an appetite! We're having dinner with my mom tomorrow night. We can't.

MONICA: Chandler, this isn't an option. She's ticked off. Just bring her.

ROSS: I've gotta see this! Rachel and I are coming, too. We should sell tickets.

JOEY: Can I come, too?

MONICA AND CHANDLER: Nooo!!

(Scene: The next morning. Monica's and Rachel's apartment again. Chandler and Monica are there having
coffee. There's a knock at the door. Chandler opens it)

CHANDLER: Mom!

NORA: There's my boy. (She kisses him and hugs him.) Where is she? (Spies Monica, runs over and hugs
her.)

MONICA: Hi, Mrs. Bing.

NORA: We'll, that won't do, considering you're going to be a Mrs. Bing, too. Call me mom.

MONICA: (Moved) OK!

NORA: What happened to your arm? (Remember Monica is still in a cast.)

MONICA: It's a long story.

CHANDLER: Mom, what are you doing here? I thought you were tied up until tonight.

NORA: I wanted to take my son and daughter-in-law-to-be out for breakfast. You free?

CHANDLER: No, I've got to get to work.

NORA: Well, Monica, how about just us?

MONICA: OK!

NORA: We can talk about your arm ... over a few drinks.

CHANDLER: (Walks toward them.) Be good.

MONICA: I will.

CHANDLER: (Kisses his mom.). I was talking to you.

(Scene: The apartment again. About lunchtime. Chandler, Rachel, Joey and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is
asleep on the couch. Monica saunters in. She's a little tipsy.)

MONICA: Hey, there. Hi, there. Hello, there. Pick one.

CHANDLER: Oh, my God! You're loaded.

MONICA: Yup. I was good until we started drinking mimosas. We talked for hours. I'm going to go lie
down now. (Heads for her room.) Chandler? Come on, Mr. Big.

CHANDLER: (Excited) Thanks, mom! (Hurries into Monica's room.)

JOEY: All you guys have plans tonight. What am I supposed to do?

RACHEL: Phoebe doesn't have any plans. Do something with her.

JOEY: Yeah, I want to sleep with her, not SLEEP with her.

(Scene: Later at the Geller home. Ross, Rachel, Chandler and Monica come through the front door.)

JACK: Judy, it's Ross, Rachel, Monica and the Bing boy!

CHANDLER: (To Monica quietly) Boy?! I'm 31 years old.

MONICA: Relax. Just think how much he'll like you when we're married.

JUDY: Hello. Hi, Rachel, you look great. How are your parents?

RACHEL: Fine. (Plants a kiss on Mrs. Geller's cheek.)

JUDY: Hi, Ross. (Hugs him, then hugs Monica.) (To Chandler) Hi. You'll be relieved to know we're not
serving turkey tonight.

CHANDLER: (Uneasy) Hi. Great, thanks.

JUDY: Well, dinner's on the table. (Aside to Monica) You know, honey, you shouldn't wear green; it makes
you look hippy. (She turns around and walks off. Monica makes a move toward her, but Chandler holds her
back.)

MONICA: Think I could take her? I've got one good arm.

CHANDLER: Ok. Ok. Understanding a little more about Monica. (He leads her toward the dining room.)

MONICA: I need aspirin ... and a lot of wine.

(Scene: Chandler's and Joey's apartment. Joey and Phoebe are there eating Chinese takeout.)

PHOEBE: Have you started looking for a roommate yet?

JOEY: What?

PHOEBE: Have you thought about who you're going to live with when Chandler moves in with Monica?

JOEY: Oh, my God! I can't afford this place by myself. What about the chick and the duck? Who'll get
custody of them?

PHOEBE: Don't get all freaky. Monica doesn't want them in her place. They smell. ... But, in a cute way.
She might accidentally cook them or something. (Yawns.) Hey, why don't I move in with you?! ... I wouldn't
cook them. I'm a vegetarian. They're safe with me! Then, I'd be rid of the Pokey Polka guy.

JOEY: I don't know, Pheebs.

PHOEBE: What? Do you want to end up with someone like Eddie? You could dry fruit together, then it'll
be like, hey, Joey, lets see what happens when I chop off your head while you're sleeping.

JOEY: Nooo! You have to live with me!! Please.

PHOEBE: Well, if you insist. But, we have to make some changes around here first.

(The Geller house. They're all in the dining room, waiting for Mrs. Bing to arrive. Ross is babbling about
dinosaur DNA found in North Dakota.)

ROSS: When they mapped out the DNA they found ... (The doorbell rings.)

RACHEL: Thank God!

ROSS: What? You don't like my story? Am I just a big old bore?

CHANDLER: Well, ya.

ROSS: I was talking to Rachel. Am I?

RACHEL: Ross, your my big old bore, and I love you. (Ross looks startled. She kisses him. In walk Judy
and Jack Geller with Mrs. Bing.)

JUDY: Oh, you guys are back together. That's wonderful!!

NORA: Hi, everyone!

JUDY: Oh, yeah. Sit here. (She offhandedly motions toward a chair.) So, tell me all about it. (About a
half hour elapses. They're eating and still talking about Ross and Rachel. Monica and Chandler are
growing angrier by the second. Nothing has been said about them getting married.)

JUDY: (To Ross and Rachel) So, when do you think you two will get married?

MONICA: (Angrily) Why don't we focus on one wedding at a time, mom!

ROSS: (Uneasily) Why don't we listen to what Chandler and Monica have planned.

JUDY: (Exasperated. To Monica) How long are you going to keep up with this charade?

MONICA: What are you talking about?

JUDY: What wedding? We know you guys aren't dating.

MONICA: We've been going out for over a year!

JUDY: We know you just told us you were going out with Chandler so we wouldn't pressure you about
getting married. We know he's gay.

NORA: WHAT! My son's not gay. Just because his father is doesn't make him gay.

CHANDLER: Yeah, thanks for the help, Mom. I AM NOT GAY!

MONICA: He's not gay!

NORA: Monica, tell them what you told me this morning.. about how great he is in bed.

JACK AND JUDY: What?!!

CHANDLER: (To Monica) OH, MY GOD. HOW MUCH DID YOU TELL MY MOTHER?

JUDY: Now, I understand. Are you pregnant?

JACK: Judy!

(Monica, remembering the miscarriage, is visibly upset by that comment. Chandler grabs her hand under
the table, but Monica stands up quickly.)

MONICA: (Crying.) Excuse me. (She darts from the room. Chandler goes to follow her, but Rachel puts
her hand on his arm to stop him.)

RACHEL: I'll go. You guys do damage control.

(Scene: Monica's room. It's full of exercise equipment. Her parents have converted her room into a home
gym. Monica is by the window, crying.)

RACHEL: Oh, honey. (She hugs her.) I know it's not the response you expected.

MONICA: Why does she do stuff like that? Is it so hard to believe that he loves me and wants to marry
me?

RACHEL: I think it's harder for her to believe that you love him.

(Outside Monica's room. Chandler approaches the door, but he stops and listens.)

MONICA: We'll she's going to have to get used to it. He's family now. (They hug, then Monica pulls one
curtain aside and looks out the window.) Remember my dream?

RACHEL: The one about Brad Pitt?

MONICA: (Smiling) Yeah, that was pretty good. ... No. The one about the window. Every time I had a
fight with my mom, I used to come up here and look out the window, hoping that my knight in shining armor
would come and rescue me from her and we'd live happily ever after. I have the knight, but some things
never change. (Rachel hugs her again. Chandler looks hurt, then moves away from the door and heads
downstairs.)

(Scene: The dining room. Jack, Ross, Judy and Mrs. Bing are there. Chandler enters..)

JUDY: This is just another one of Monica's bad decisions. What are we going to do with her?

CHANDLER: What the hell is wrong with you?!

JUDY: Excuse me? You can't talk ...

CHANDLER: You don't know what a great daughter you have! She's sweet, she's beautiful, she's smart
and she's marrying me! And you better get used to that! So, just get off her back!!!!

(Judy storms off into the kitchen.)

JACK: (He goes over and shakes Chandler's hand.) Welcome to the family.

CHANDLER: Thanks. ... Do you have a ladder? (Jack Geller looks at him as if he's crazy.)

(Scene: Monica's room. Judy enters.)

RACHEL: (Knowing she should leave) We'll I'm going to see my big old bore.

JUDY: Monica. I'm sorry.

MONICA: Wow. We're did that come from?

JUDY: Well, you're boyfriend told me--

MONICA: Fiancé.

JUDY: Well your fiancé set some things straight with me.

MONICA: He did?

JUDY: Yes. I guess I'm just hurt that I found out about your engagement from the TV, not from you.

MONICA: I'm sorry. We we're going to tell you this weekend.

JUDY: You're going to make a beautiful bride. (They hug. There's a knock on the window. Monica pushes
aside the curtain and sees Chandler on a ladder, looking in.)

JUDY: (Sarcastically) Good luck with him. I'm going down to join our dinner guests. I'll see you in a few
minutes.

MONICA: (Opens the window) Chandler! What are you doing?

CHANDLER: (Scrambles in the window and falls on the floor) I came to rescue you. (Sees all the gym
equipment.) How were you fat in high school?

(Scene: Joey's and Chandler's apartment. Chandler enters. The kitchen cabinets are painted orange.
There's a hot tub in the living room and a disco ball hanging from the ceiling. All the doors have been
replaced with strands of beads.)

CHANDLER: JOEY!!!!!

JOEY: Yeah. I'm in the bathroom.

(Chandler goes over the bathroom to talk to him.)

CHANDLER: OH, MY EYES! MY EYES! I can see you in there, right through the beads. ... What did you
do to this place?

JOEY: (Come out of the bathroom, zipping up his pants. He's all upset, all squinky.) Ah, I let Phoebe put
up the beads so I could see her getting dressed every day. I don't want people seeing me when I'm doing,
you know, my business.

CHANDLER: (Sees the duck swimming in the hot tub) Where's the chicken?

JOEY: In your room.

(Chandler goes over to his room and looks in.)

CHANDLER: WHAT'S WITH ALL THE HAY!?

(Rachel and Ross enter)

RACHEL: Oh, my God!

ROSS: I really like what you've done with your pad, man. It's groovy.

JOEY: It was Phoebe's idea. She's moving in here.

RACHEL: What? Why?

JOEY: When Chandler and Monica get married AGAIN he's going to move in with her. I needed a
roommate. You better start looking, too, Rach.

RACHEL: (Upset) Oh, God, I never thought about that. What am I gonna do?

ROSS: You could live with me.

(A startled Rachel looks at Ross.)

Credits roll.

(Next up: Big decisions, family angst, a wedding shower, and corn, lots of corn.)

The end.