This is my Journey of Love series. It's Monica's wedding day, and everyone is invited, including Chandler. Monica is about to marry a guy named Tyler Montgomery, who was Chandler's roommate in college for six months. Tyler moved in for six months when Ross moved out their senior year. Chandler and Monica dated for four months years ago, but the relationship ended when Chandler started acting weird about the two of them being serious. Monica was hurt when Chandler didn't want to further their relationship. They still remained friends, pretending that they were over one another. Now, Chandler stands at the closed doors of the church deciding on whether he should go in......
 

I still can't believe I'm standing here. How can she being marrying someone else? Part of me wants to go in and stop the wedding, but the other part of me doesn't have the guts. I want her to be happy. So I should go in and show her that I'm still a good friend. I take a deep breath, and push open the door. I slowly walk in the church until I reach another set of doors. From the other side, I can hear the minister speaking. They haven't said their vowed yet. What  am I doing here? I still love Monica. I can't watch her marry someone else. I should be the one standing up there about to marry her, but instead I wrecked the best thing that's ever happened to me. Although it was years ago, I can't seem to let it go. I was too immature for a serious relationship, and I wasn't willing to grow up and face my fear of commitment. This is indeed the saddest day of my life. The woman I love more than anything is about to belong to another man, and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it. I walk through the doors just as the minister asks the question, do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband? At the sight of her in her wedding dress, I felt as if someone had knocked all the wind out of me. I wanted to run down the aisle and tell her not to marry Tyler. She looked directly at me. I stood there, unable to take my seat. I was paralyzed. She looked surprised to see me. The minister asked her the question again. She didn't answer. She kept her eyes on me. I was glad that she couldn't see the tears in my eyes, but I'm sure everyone else could see. Their eyes were now on me too. I was extremely nervous and uneasy. What I'm I doing here? I asked myself again. She finally turned her gazed away from me and looked at her fiance'.

"Tyler....I'm....I'm sorry, I can't do this," she said with tears in her eyes.

The people who were gathered couldn't believe what they were witnessing. Tyler stood in front of Monica looking shocked, along with me and everyone else in the church.  I'm standing here with my hands in my pockets, waiting to see what's about to happen next.

"Monica, what's going on?" Tyler asked.

"I just can't marry you, I'm so sorry."

Tyler glared at her, and seconds later, he stormed down the aisle. I moved out of the way, feeling relieved at what Monica had just done. I watched as she tried her best not to cry. She stood at the alter and apologizes to everyone and thanks them for coming. She won't look at me now. The gang goes over to comfort her, but I just stand there staring at her. I'm still shocked at what happened. I can see that she's trying to hold herself together, but it won't be long before she breaks down.

Twenty minutes later, I'm still standing in the back of the church watching Monica. The gang finally leaves her alone. They walk pass me without a word. They knew what a tough time I was having with Monica getting married. I don't know if she's aware that I'm still here because she hadn't turned around to look at me. She's sitting in the very first pew. For the first time since I arrived, I'm  able to move. I slowly walk to where she's sitting. When I reach her, I stand in front of her. She doesn't acknowledge my presence, so I kneel in front of her. She keeps her head down so I take my hand and put my finger under her chin to lift her head up. She looks at me with tears in her eyes. I don't know what to say. She leans over and we hug. I hold her tightly in my arms while she cries.

Seconds later, I pulled back. Since Chandler and I broke up, I haven't been able to hug him for more than a couple of seconds. My feelings for him still looms over me like clouds on a rainy day. I can see the concern in his eyes. He takes my hand in his and I stifle the urge to snatch it away. I still love Chandler, but when he touches me, part of me likes it, but the other part of me gets angry. I still carry around a bit of anger from our break up. I've never mentioned this to anyone. I see his eyes watering. He's always hated to see me in pain. Joey told me that Chandler cried a lot when we broke up. I don't know why, but it was hard for me to believe. Not now though.

"I'm sorry about this Mon."

"So am I."

"I hate to see you like this."

"I'll be all right. I've been through worst," I said with a slight touch of anger.

"You ready to go?"

"I just wanna make sure everyone's gone first."

"Oh."

"You don't have to stay."

"I want to."

I want to yell at him and tell him to leave me alone, but his heart is in the right place. Chandler is the sweetest guy I've ever met, but sometimes when I look at him, I instantly become irritated. I never expressed how angry I was at him for throwing away what we had together, which I realize now, was a huge mistake. Now I'm forced to carry around anger that I've been holding in for years. He could barely face me after we broke up. I try really hard not to think about that day, but ever since I've been engaged, it's all I think about. Chandler and I never talked about that day. We didn't want to. Well, I really can't speak for the both of us, but I didn't want to talk about it. It was really painful for me to lose him as my boyfriend. I'm just glad that we were able to remain friends. I look down at his hand covering mine, and tears began to leave my eyes. Why did he have to be such a jerk before? We were so good together. We got along really well. Why did you do this to us? I silently scream at him. He took his left hand and put it to my face to wipe the tears away. Here I am, on my wedding day, which is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and I'm crying my eyes out. Not because I'm happy, but because I'm miserable. I just broke up with my fiance' in front of all our friends and family, and all I can do is sit here and wish that Chandler and I had stayed together. I love Tyler, but not enough to marry him. I should have never accepted his proposal, knowing that I wasn't over Chandler. It was incredibly stupid of me to do.

"Chandler, you really don't have to stay."

"I know. I just wouldn't feel comfortable leaving you like this."

Well, you certainly didn't feel that way when we broke up, I wanted to say. I don't like carrying around this anger toward Chandler, but I can't help the way I feel. This anger I feel has consumed me and I hate it. I watch Chandler's face. I can tell he's searching for something else to say, but he's at  a lost for words.

"I appreciate this Chandler."

"I'm always here, remember that."

"I know."

I was waiting for Chandler to ask me why I didn't go through with the wedding, but he didn't. I'm sure it's on his mind though. I know everyone's dying to know why I broke it off, but I won't mention that Chandler had a lot to do with my decision. Chandler's a tough act to follow, and I can't see any other guy in the position of being my partner for life. I made the mistake of thinking I could get over him. I don't know why. There were a number of times when I was cuddling up next to Tyler or making love to him, and Chandler would enter my mind. Especially while we were making love. Chandler was amazing in bed. The best I've ever had. No one else could compete with him. He knew exactly how to please me without me having to tell him, both in and out of bed. It's why I was so devastated when things went south. When Chandler got tired of kneeling on the floor, he sat beside me.

"Mon, I'm sorry that I don't have any encouraging words right now. I don't really know what to say."

"Do you think it was a mistake to break off the wedding?" I asked without looking at him.

"I think you did the right thing."

"In front of everyone?"

"Well, no, but you were obviously having doubts."

"I feel so stupid."

Chandler put his arm around me, and let me put my head on his shoulder. I remember how safe I used to feel in his arms. How special I felt. Now I just feel like the biggest loser on the planet. This was not how I pictured my wedding day to be. When I told Tyler that I couldn't marry him, I could feel the disappointment coming from my mother. I never did anything right in her eyes and probably never will. I always manage to get into one dead end relationship after another. Which says a lot about me rather than the guys I've chosen to date.

A half hour later, Phoebe and Rachel came back in the church to check up on me. I lifted my head up off Chandler's shoulder when they stood in front of us.

"How are you feeling?" Rachel asked.

"I'm a little better."

"Well, everyone's gone now. Are you ready?" Phoebe asked.

"Yeah, I guess. Have you seen Tyler?"

"No," Phoebe answered.

"Mon, what happened up there?"

"I don't want to get into it right now."

"We understand," Chandler said.

Chandler kept his arm around me until we reached his car. I don't say a word on the drive home. I don't feel like talking. Phoebe and Rachel are conversating with Chandler about something, but I'm not really paying attention. Instead, my mind keeps drifting away. I keep replaying how I could have done things differently with Tyler. I didn't want to hurt him and I've done it in a way that he'll hate me and never forgive me. I wonder if I'll ever see him again. I wouldn't blame him if he never wanted to speak to me again.

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I waited until she fell asleep to leave her room. I quietly closed the door behind me. Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey were in the living room when I came out of Monica's room.

"How is she?" Joey asked.

"She's sleeping now, but she's not doing too well."

"She never mentioned to us that she was having doubts," Rachel said.

"Did she mention anything to you?" Joey asked.

"No."

As soon as I sat down, Ross walked in.

"Where's Mon?"

"She's in her room sleep," I answered.

"What did your parents say?" Phoebe asked.

"The usual. My Mom went on and on about how she's always screwing up relationships and that she would be happy if Monica could do at least one thing right in her life."

I was glad I wasn't there to hear her talk about Monica like that. Ross hasn't been that successful in his relationships either, but you never hear them say anything negative about him. It pisses me off when they treat Ross like a king and Monica like a foster child. I feel so bad for Monica. I just hope her mother doesn't call to tell her exactly what she told Ross, or I'll be forced to go over there and give her a piece of my mind. It's no wonder Monica gets involved with guys like me. I had a sudden urge to go back into her room and stay there until she woke up.

"This pretty brutal," Joey said.

"Yeah, I couldn't take it anymore so I got out of there."

"Poor Mon," Phoebe said.

We all sat in silence for a while. No one had anything to say. After five minutes or so, Joey and Ross left. Phoebe left ten minutes after them, and Rachel went into her room. I sat on the couch staring up at the ceiling. All day I've been thinking about the day Monica and I broke up, but forced the images out of my head. Now, it's virtually impossible. I remember it is if it happened yesterday.....

We were all in Monica and Rachel's apartment. I was playing cards with Joey, and Phoebe and Rachel were in the living room talking. Tyler and Monica walked in with big smiles on their faces. They walked past the kitchen and into the living room. They stood in front the tv holding hands. Tyler seemed more excited than Monica. I remember looking at them wondering what was going on, and why they were so happy.

"Guys, we have some news," Monica said.

"You're pregnant!" Phoebe blurted out.

"No. The other thing."

"What other thing?" Joey asked.

"We're engaged!" Tyler said.

My heart immediately dropped and I stopped breathing for about ten seconds. I already didn't like the idea of Tyler dating Monica, or anyone dating her, but we were good friends and he knew how I felt about Monica. I didn't realize how serious they were about each other until that moment. I remember feeling sick to my stomach. The gang went over to them to congratulate them  but not me. I remained at the kitchen table. I was in shock. I was also angry. Angry with myself for letting Monica go. When the gang was through making a fuse over Tyler and Monica's engagement, I forced myself to get up out of the chair to congratulate them also. I slowly walked over to Monica with a fake smile plaster on my face, and I hugged her and told her that I was happy for her. That couldn't have been further from the truth. I also congratulated Tyler and shook his hand. What I really wanted to do was strangle him. Monica was the love of my life, and now he was taking her away. Ten minutes after that, I left. I didn't feel like going to the apartment. Instead, I went for a walk to clear my head. I stayed out for hours. When I came home, Joey was sitting on one of the stools at the counter.

"Where have you been!"

"Out."

"Out where?"

"Why?"

"Do you know what time it is?" Joey asked.

"It's time for you to stop questioning me."

"It's two in the morning."

"So."

"So, what's going on?"

"I was out, what's the big deal?"

"This is about Monica and Tyler getting married isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry man."

"It's nobody's fault but mine. We should still be together."

"Why don't you just tell her that."

"I can't do that."

"Well, that's why you're sitting here instead of being in bed with Mon."

He was absolutely right. I sit here staring at the ceiling, reflecting on one of the worst days of my life. I'm tired of sitting here, so I get up and go into Monica's room. She's still asleep. I sit on the edge of her bed and watch her sleep, wishing that I could lay next to her and hold her in my arms. She was asleep on her stomach with the right side her face resting on her pillow. I find myself tempted to kiss her lips. There were so many times when I had to fight the urge to just take her in my arms and kiss her. I loved kissing Monica, among other things. She was really good to me. I miss her so much. I look back at our relationship and I realize how perfect we were for each other. Things were so good between us that it scared the hell out of me. I began to push her away from me without even realizing I was doing so. I never wanted to push her away, but it's all I know how to do. I don't know how to get close. It's such a miserable feeling when you can't let that someone you love so much, get close to you. I look at her angelic face, wishing that I hadn't hurt her. Wishing that I was a better man for her. Wishing that we were still together. I know I can't change what happened in the past, but I can still be here for her as a friend.  I think about us getting back together someday, and the thought scares me. I want to be everything she needs in a boyfriend. I don't want her to have any complaints. She deserves the very best, and right now I'm not it. I'm determined to be what she needs, but it'll take time. I just hope that next time she's not standing at the alter ready to marry someone else. I also hope that she still loves me. I wonder if she thinks about me the way I think about her. I even dream about her. I can't get her out of my system and I don't think I ever will. When I finally turn my gaze away from her, she wakes up. I turn my head to look at her and I can tell she surprised to see me sitting here. I offer her a weak smile, but she doesn't smile back. Instead she looks at me with those sad and lonely eyes. She looks as though she might start crying again. I quickly melt, and neither of us say a word.
 
 
 

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