[Opening Scene]

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's. Monica and Chandler are cuddling in Chandler's recliner, Phoebe and Joey are seated on the couch, Ross is on the floor and Rachel's at the kitchen table, reading a newspaper]

MNCA: Hey, did we all once walk in on Chandler singing "Respect" to himself and dancing with a Barbie doll?

ALL: No.

MNCA: Okay. Then that was just a dream.

RACH: Oh, I can't believe this! There are no apartments out there that I can afford.

PHOE: Well Rach, you have to hurry, Denise comes back by the end of the week.

JOEY: I can't remember Phoebs, is she hot? 'Cause if she is, make sure you set me up with her.

ROSS: Rach, you can always move in with me for a while if you need to.

RACH: Oh thanks but no thanks.

MNCA: Hey Rach? Come over here with the paper.

RACH: Why can't you come over here?

MNCA: I don't feel like getting up. I'm way to comfortable.

[Rachel walks over with the newspaper. Monica starts looking through it. Rachel sits at the armrest of the chair]

CHAN: [waves her away] Hey, hey, hey!

RACH: What, I can't sit on the armrest of your chair?

CHAN: No.

PHOE: You know, it really makes sense that Monica didn't want to live with both of you at the same time.

MNCA: Rach? How come you said there was nothing in here, there is a PERFECT apartment right there! [points]

RACH: [looks] Yeah.

MNCA: And it's only a hundred dollars a month.

JOEY: [hurries up and snatches paper] Let me see that!

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: Joey's place. Chandler and Joey are in Chandler's old room, searching through the closet]

JOEY: Man, are you sure you left it here?

CHAN: Positive!

JOEY: Maybe Janine took it when she left.

CHAN: What would Janine do with my orange tie?

JOEY: What? She could go clubbing in it. Those dancers are all lunatics.

CHAN: Hey, what's this? [takes out a box] I don't remember leaving this behind.

JOEY: Same thing happened to me when we moved back here after living across the hall. I forgot a pack of condoms. Hey, you wouldn't know if there's a pack of banana-flavored condoms in Monica's room, would you?

CHAN: [looking through box] Oh, those were yours? Yeah, we used them all.

JOEY: Oh man! I was for the first time gonna check if a woman cared to find out if they really taste like they're supposed to.

CHAN: They don't, Monica tried.

JOEY: I did too. [off Chandler's look] What? They can also be used as bubble-gum, than you very much.

CHAN: [sarcasm] Pretty hard to blow bubbles that pop with them, huh? [checks in box] Hey look, this are some of my records that I left here! I was wondering where these went!

JOEY: [looks at one] Mariah Carey? Chandler, your taste in music sucks. You're a guy, listen to Christina Aguliera.

CHAN: Never mind the Mariah Carey album. I can give it to Rachel for her birthday. No problem.

JOEY: Wow. Check THIS out.

CHAN: Go ahead, take it out. [Joey does] But be careful.

JOEY: Yeah, sure. [mimics throwing it like a Frisbee]

CHAN: Joey! You have got to be CAREFUL with that! Okay? It's a Nat King Cole record my dad got from HIS dad on his wedding day.

JOEY: Oh. Then make sure you don't give it to Mon if you guys get married. It might be a bad luck charm.

CHAN: Well, I don't know about that, but it's signed, okay? My grandfather met Nat King Cole, who signed it for him. It's extremely valuable.

JOEY: Yeah, I can understand that. I'll tell you what, I'll place this somewhere safe.

CHAN: Or, you could just let me take it.

JOEY: No, no. You wouldn't want Monica to accidentally take it for garbage and throw it away, would you?

CHAN: "When I Fall in Love" is one of Monica's favorite songs, the chances of her throwing that record away is pretty much minimal. [sees a record, picks it up] Oh hey, check this out! I've been searching for this record since, like, always! [puts the box down] You know what, I'll be back later on, I'm gonna go play this for Monica!

JOEY: What record is it?

CHAN: Actually, a various artist one.

JOEY: Really? I have tons of their records!

CHAN: [eyes him oddly] Okay. Anyway, there's a song here that I've wanted to play for Monica ever since we fell in love.

JOEY: Really, what song?

CHAN: "When I Die", No Mercy.

JOEY: Okay, okay, fine, I won't be nice to people trying to get a hold of your stuff! Geez, you don't have to get so worked up about it! [recoils]

CHAN: No, no it's, you've got it wrong. "When I Die" is the title of the song, and, and No Mercy is the group.

JOEY: But you just said it was Various Artists.

CHAN: Yeah, whatever. Anyway. [sees Joey's look] What?

JOEY: You're really gonna play a song called "When I Die" to your girlfriend? That doesn't sound very romantic.

CHAN: Trust me, it, it is, okay? Now, I'll see you later. Don't ruin that record, okay?

[Joey follows him out to the living room. So does the camera. Chandler exits]

JOEY: Now, let's see, a safe place for the valuable record. Where might that be? Oh! I've got it!

[He walks up to the bread maker and places the CD there]

JOEY: Good! That was one smart thing, Tribbiani. Chandler's record is completely safe!

RACH: [enters, carrying cards] Hey Joey. Great news, guess what?

JOEY: You got the apartment?

RACH: Wow, how did you know that?

JOEY: The "I'm moving to a new place" card kinda' gave it away.

RACH: Oh. Right. Anyway, I was kinda' wondering if you'd help me move?

JOEY: Sure thing.

RACH: [accidentally pushes something on the bread maker] Oh! Joey, I think I accidentally turned on the bread maker, how do you turn it off?

JOEY: Well, you. [realizes what that means, does Rachel's typical] Noooo!

[Cut to: Chandler and Monica's]

[Chandler enters, looking for Monica. He's got the record. The place is empty]
CHAN: Monica! Honey! Sugar? [starts looking for her] Honey, are you here?

[He looks in Rachel's old room, then sticks his head into the bedroom]

CHAN: Honey?
[He goes over to the coffee table, trying to think of other places she could be]

CHAN: Hey, what do you know. the answering machine is blinking. [pause] Maybe there's a message.

[He presses the button. A voice tells him he has two new messages]

JUDY: [from machine] Monica, it's mom, give me a call. [pause] By the way, don't forget to take down your curtains, it's time to chance them.

[There's a beep and then the next message plays]

MNCA: [from machine] Sweetie, it's me. I'm stuck at work for another two hours, the time is now. 15:48. I know I said I'd be home early, but I promise you I'll make sure I won't have to work this weekend. So. Love you. Oh, and don't forget to feed the Furbee. You know how upset Joey gets when
you kill them off. Bye.

[Chandler sighs and places the CD on the coffee table. He goes into the bedroom. The camera cuts to inside the bedroom as he enters. A diary lies on the bed]

CHAN: [thoughts] Is that Monica's diary? Or is it mine? [gets closer] No, that's got to be hers. Mine has a cute little lock.

[He throws himself on the bed and stares into space. Then he realized he wrinkled the sheets, and quickly fixes it. The diary falls to the floor as he does. He reaches down and picks it up. Then he can't resist the temptation to read a bit from it]

CHAN: [reading] Saturday, March 4th. Worked overtime again. Chandler was displeased. He can be so unfair sometimes. I never complain when he has to work late. [to himself] Yeah, well maybe that just means I love you more, Mon. [reading] Chandler himself probably sees that as a sign that he loves
me more than I love him. But that's impossible. [to himself] Aww. [reading] Although sometimes I feel like I just want to tell him to shut up and leave me alone. [looks up] This doesn't sound good!

[Cut to: Rachel's new place]

[Rachel is packing up her stuff. It's three boxes plus the infamous apothecary table and a few other items from that episode. Ross enters]

ROSS: Hey.

RACH: Oh hi.

ROSS: Wow, I. knew you said it was available soon, but I didn't realize that meant today.

RACH: Yeah, it's been free for two weeks, apparently. So I moved in today. You know, 'cause it might take some time to get all of my stuff over here. Could you grab the box outside for me, please?

ROSS: Sure. [gets it] So how much stuff do you have left?

RACH: Now that you've taken in that box. nothing.

ROSS: Oh. So I guess there's no use that I offer you some help moving in, huh?

RACH: No. Although you could fill up my fridge for me.

ROSS: Sure.

RACH: Great, then you just go down to the nearest supermarket.

ROSS: What do you want me to get you?

RACH: Oh, just anything you think Ill need. Thanks, Ross.

ROSS: No problem.

RACH: Just watch out for that mud puddle right outside. I dropped a spoon there this morning. You wouldn't mind taking that spoon with you and washing it, would you?

[Cut to: Joey's place]

[Joey's on the phone with Phoebe, pacing around nervously]

JOEY: [on phone] Phoebs? Yeah, hi it's me. [listens] NO, not your dead mother, it's JOEY! [listens] Listen Phoebe, I'm in the middle of a major emergency, you don't think you might be able to come over, do you? [listens] Well when does "The Bold and the Beautiful" end? [listens] Really? They are?
[long pause, listening] No, no. I can't get into that series right now, I need you to help me out. Please? [listens] Well, I've. sort of. ruined something valuable. [listens] No, he's not dead. [listens] No, I didn't
break Ben's leg. [listens] No, they're still together. [listens] Well, I. sort of ruined this really valuable record of Chandler's. [listens] Yeah, but on the bright side I can blame it all on Rachel. [listens] Oh yeah, I'm sure.
[He holds the record up. You can imagine how it must look]

[Cut to: Monica and Chandler's]

MNCA: [entering] Hello?

[The camera cuts to the bedroom. Chandler quickly throws the diary over his shoulder. Then he looks over his shoulder and notices that it's laying open, so he grabs it and looks for a better place to hide it. He ends up throwing it under the bed]

CHAN: In the bedroom, sweetums.

MNCA: [entering] Oh there you are. Hi.

CHAN: Mon, let me ask you a question. Do you hate it EVERY time I tell a joke?

MNCA: You never tell jokes. You just make sarcastic comments about OUR jokes. And not just our jokes, you make fun of everything.

CHAN: Is that a yes?

MNCA: What is with you? Why are you so. I don't know. acting like a normal person?

CHAN: You don't think I'm normal?

MNCA: Of course I don't. Who wants a completely normal guy? It's the fact that you're NOT normal that attracts me.

CHAN: That's just a big load of crap.

MNCA: Sweetie. have I done something? I mean, why are you so annoyed with me?

CHAN: Oh, no reason. [rises] Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go listen to Nat King Cole.

MNCA: Do we have one of his records? Play--

CHAN: Oh come on, you don't fool me, I know you don't like that song!

MNCA: [slightly confused] Personally I think "Skip to my Lou" is pretty cool.

CHAN: I'm not talking about that. I know you hate that, that other song. And do you know why?

MNCA: No.

CHAN: Damn it, I was hoping I'd find out from you!

[He leaves. Monica looks confused]

[Cut to: The living room]

[Chandler is on his way to leave when Monica comes out of the bedroom, holding her diary]

MNCA: Chandler, I'm kinda' freaked, you will never guess where I found my diary?

CHAN: [guilty] No, 'cause you have it somewhere where I don't know where it is and even if I knew I would never move it.

MNCA: I found it under the bed. How'd it wind up there?

CHAN: How should I know, who are you, Jim Garrison?

MNCA: [sarcasm] Yeah, and I was just examining the case of the magic diary.

CHAN: Well I don't know how it ended up there.

MNCA: [beat] Oh my god. oh, you READ it, didn't you?

CHAN: N, no.

MNCA: You read my diary!

CHAN: How do you know? You don't know! And a man is innocent before proven guilty by the court of law! I don't see judge Judy here, do you?

MNCA: I know you read it, it's in your eyes!

CHAN: What's in my eyes?

MNCA: "Even though I love Chandler he can sometimes be so frustrating".

CHAN: [pause] You're good at that. [pause] I just gave myself away, huh?

MNCA: [hurt] I can't believe you would do that!

CHAN: Okay, Mon, is, is this whole thing over yet?

MNCA: No. It's not.

CHAN: Look, I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. But I only read about two months! And that made it worse, not better, huh?

MNCA: Why did you DO that?

CHAN: You, uh. probably just want me to shut up and leave you alone, huh?

MNCA: Yeah, go!

CHAN: [opens door] Oh, just so you know. it DOES mean I love you more.

MNCA: [angry] Get out!

[Chandler leaves]

[Cut to: Joey's]

[Joey's pacing in near panic. Phoebe enters]

PHOE: Whoa! Calm down a few degrees. You're on a five on panic scale, and you're not born in May.

JOEY: What?

PHOE: What, you never saw "Titanic"?

JOEY: [thinks] The one with the boat, right?

PHOE: Yeah.

JOEY: Well never mind that movie, Phoebs you've got to help me out here!

PHOE: Okay, relax please. You're closing in on a six and you're not born in June either. Now what is it that you've ruined and what am I expected to do about it?

JOEY: Would you mind telling Chandler Monica's pregnant, so that he'll be going crazy over that? 'Cause I figured, while he's busy panicking over that I can switch the record and get Nat King Cole to sign it.

PHOE: [feigned seriousness] Yeah, great plan. Oh, and while you're up in heaven, make sure you get Paul McCartney's autograph for me.

JOEY: But. Paul McCartney isn't dead.

PHOE: [remembers] Yes, that's true. Come on, let me see what you've ruined.

JOEY: Well. [shows her the record]

PHOE: What is that? Did you ruin his tie rack?

JOEY: It is, or WAS a record signed by Nat King Cole.

PHOE: Oh, that guy's so cool!

JOEY: I know. Unfortunately, so thinks Chandler. My god, I'm gonna be mincemeat before he's through with me!

PHOE: Did he tell you to be careful with it?

JOEY: VERY careful.

PHOE: Oh. That's too bad, 'cause otherwise you could always tell him he never said anything about you having to be careful with it, and just pretend that you're stupid. How did this happen?

JOEY: Well, I figured I needed to rank it. You know? And, and I put it in the bread maker and Rachel accidentally turned it on, and.

PHOE: You know, that pretending you're stupid thing might just work after all.

JOEY: [sits in a recliner] Chandler is going to kill me. Or let Monica inflict some pain.

PHOE: Yeah, he sure is.

JOEY: [sarcasm] Thanks, big help, now I know why I called you.

PHOE: Well what do you want me to do? I write songs Joey. Not magical spells that repair broken records.

JOEY: It's not as much broken as it is melted.

PHOE: You know what you should do, just give me a phone book, I'll look up a few numbers and you can call them and ask if they know of any records similar to that one.

JOEY: Okay. [gets record] But do you really think Natalie Cole will be listed in there?

PHOE: Don't know, but Paula Cole might be.

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: Joey's, later on. Phoebe's looking through the phone book, writing down helpful numbers]

JOEY: Do you really think this will work?

PHOE: Just shut up and dial.

[Joey takes the phone and dials the first number on Phoebe's list]

PHOE: Oh, hey! If this doesn't work out, did you know there's a phone number for Daniel Day Lewis's New York residence in here? We have so got to call that number later on!

JOEY: How is that gonna help with the record?

PHOE: It's gonna help get Phoebe a date. And a dating Phoebe is a happy Phoebe and a happy Phoebe is a helpful Phoebe.

[Cut to: Rachel's new place]

[Rachel is putting up her books in a bookshelf. She's got four of them. Then she backs away and proudly looks at them. Ross enters with three filled grocery bags]

ROSS: Hey.

RACH: Hey. I just finished putting up the books. It looks really great, don't you think?
ROSS: Yeah. And by the way, that copy of "The Mammoth Hunters" is mine.

RACH: Well, you can't take it back yet. It looks much better if you have all the books.

ROSS: It looks even better if they're in the right order.

[He puts the bags down and walks up to the bookshelf. He switches places of three of the books]

RACH: "The Plains of Passage" wasn't first?

ROSS: Ever wonder why it's called the "Clan of the Cave Bear" series? And your copy of "The Valley of Horses" is Chandler's. He's been looking for it.

RACH: So, groceries, what did you buy?

ROSS: Oh, just a little bit of everything. I thought you could need some butter, milk, stuff like that. But, you know, you need other stuff too, so I bought some of that also.

RACH: Great, thanks.

ROSS: By the way, I dropped the oranges in this big mud puddle just outside, so you might wanna wash them before you eat 'em.

RACH: [lifting up the lightest bag] Or, how bout I just peel them?

ROSS: Yeah, that might work too.

[He takes the other two bags and follows her into her tiny kitchen]

RACH: I have to admit, I always miss Monica's kitchen. It's allot bigger, has allot more stuff and allot better food is made there. But, she traded me for Chandler, so what can you do?

ROSS: I wouldn't call it traded. Anyway, it came out to. uh. [checks receipt] $97.

RACH: $97?

ROSS: And 75 cents.

RACH: What did you do, buy the store?

ROSS: I just thought you should come off at a good. kitchen start. And I made a list of everything that I bought.

RACH: [not knowing what to say] Oh. thanks. Pretty good if I run out of toilet paper.

ROSS: No. See, you can put this on your fridge or wherever, and when you run out of something on the list you just buy some more. And if you buy something that's not on the list, you can add it too!

RACH: [sarcasm] Really? The list supervisors won't kick my ass?

ROSS: Bemused.

RACH: Sorry, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Hey, add Russian caviar and tropical Skittles to the list.

ROSS: Uh. okay.

RACH: Oh, and before I forget, thank you so much for buying all this stuff for me. I'll owe you one.

ROSS: [slowly realizes she's not paying him back, then] Well, you know. what you wouldn't do for your ex-wife.

[Cut to: Joey's place]

JOEY: Phoebe this is hopeless! Not a single record store has got a signed copy of a Nat King Cole record! Well, except for one, but it was the wrong record.

PHOE: Then get him a signed Elvis CD, that's gotta be worth more.

JOEY: Yeah, well how am I supposed to find THAT?

PHOE: I don't know, try. sending out good vibrations.

CHAN: [enters] Hey guys.

JOEY: [defensive] It was not my fault!

CHAN: [talking about him and Monica] No I know, it was all mine. Do you think it's safe for me to go over now? Or should I give Monica another ten years?

PHOE: Why, did you have a fight?

CHAN: I. read her diary.

PHOE: [angry] Oh, you. evil--

JOEY: Uh, Phoebs, not now, okay?

CHAN: Anyway, Joey where's my Nat King Cole CD?

JOEY: [feigned ignorance] You have a Nat King Cole CD?

CHAN: Enough with the games, where is it?

PHOE: Oh, speaking of games, Joey and I were just playing one, so goodbye Chandler, read Monica's diary again and I'll kick your ass. [pushes him out the door]

CHAN: Slow down, I'm out of here as soon as I get my record.

JOEY: [feigned ignorance] What record?

CHAN: Come on now, no jokes, where did you put it. You didn't misplace it, did you? That is a very exclusive record.

JOEY: Yeah. it's hot all right.

CHAN: So just give me it and I'll. [sees it] kill you.

[Cut to: Monica and Chandler's]

[Chandler enters, with the damaged record. He picks up the Mariah Carey one from the kitchen table. Monica's seated by the couch, listening to a record in a portable CD. She's singing to the record]

MNCA: [singing] Yesterday. Love was such an easy game to play. Now I need a place to hide away. Oh I believe in yesterday.

[Chandler walks up to her and takes the headphones off]

CHAN: Can we talk?

MNCA: [whiney] Chandler, you made me miss the humming in the end!

CHAN: About the diary thing.

MNCA: Chandler. [beat] If you wanted to read my diary then why didn't you just say so?

CHAN: W. what?

MNCA: Yeah. I mean. if you wanna read my diary that's fine by me, but you have to ask for my permission first.

CHAN: Wait, I thought a diary was a totally secret thing for a woman.

MNCA: And so you decided to read mine?

CHAN: I have no explanation for that. I just need to know that there are no hard feelings.

MNCA: There aren't. But just. just ask me the next time, okay? Because I want to be there when you read it. There are some things in there that I might need to explain to you, stuff that I've written while I was in a bad mood, or so.

CHAN: Like.?

MNCA: Like?

CHAN: Like an example, please.

MNCA: [thinks] Oh! That thing you said earlier about me finding your jokes annoying. Stuff like that are stuff I've written when, when I've had a fight with you. 'Cause then I tend to get angry at everything and everyone.

CHAN: Oh, so. so you don't find my comments annoying?

MNCA: Well, yeah, actually. But I can handle that. And I actually think it's kinda' adorable.

CHAN: Adorable? Wow, I never thought I'd find myself a woman who thinks it's adorable when I make sarcastic comments to her.

MNCA: Well, it does bug me sometimes. But most of the time I accept them because they're part of who you are. And I don't want you to change.

CHAN: Good, 'cause neither do I. It's fun to poke fun at other people. [off her look] Ah, except when it's your girlfriend, that breaks your heart.

[Monica flashes him a "yeah right" look]

CHAN: Okay. I admit it. It's kinda' fun to make comments about you too.

MNCA: Yeah I know. That's why I comment on YOU.

CHAN: Now THAT is NOT funny!

MNCA: Yes it is.

CHAN: No it's not. [annoyed] Here, give me your diary, let me tell you what I think of them.

MNCA: [chuckles] Chandler calm down. You know you have to put up with quips when you quip allot yourself.

CHAN: Sure, but I can also be a big baby.

MNCA: I'll tell you what. You don't read my diary without asking again and I don't make sarcastic remarks about you. At least not this week.

CHAN: Deal.

MNCA: Great.

CHAN: May I just say that you're amazingly cool about this whole diary thing? I mean, if you'd read mine I wouldn't be very nice, you know.

MNCA: I thought you said yours was a JOURNAL.

CHAN: Uh. yeah.

MNCA: [smiles] Maybe I'll get to read it sometime.

[She leans over to get her head phones plus portable CD and start listening to her record again]

CHAN: You know what, I've got a better idea.

MNCA: Oh yeah? You want to share head phones?

[She pulls one of them down and it's apparently broken 'cause it detaches. She extends it to him]

CHAN: No. Not what I had in mind.

MNCA: Oh, about the diaries?

CHAN: [correcting] Okay, diary and JOURNAL. But actually, you were on the right track about the CD thing. Although I wasn't gonna suggest we both listen to your CD-Style.

MNCA: You know what? I think you might be right. I'm almost out of batteries anyway. [puts head phones away] So what did you have in mind? A little naked dancing perhaps?

CHAN: Darling, you know I never repeat myself.

MNCA: Okay, now you've got me curious.

CHAN: See, I found this box of records in my old room earlier today. And I found one with a certain song.

MNCA: That Mariah Carey one you're carrying?

CHAN: No. [throws it on the table] It's uh. a various artists record. And there's a song on it that I really like.

MNCA: Then why did you bring over a Mariah Carey CD?
CHAN: Oh that was in the box too. And since Rachel's birthday's coming up, I figured now we have something to give her. Anyway, I'm uh. gonna play that song for you now.

[He goes over to the CD, places the record in it and hits play. No Mercy's "When I Die" starts to play]

CHAN: Would you care to dance?

MNCA: With you? Absolutely.

[He makes sort of an Elvis move, stretching out his hand to her while looking down on the floor. it's hard to explain. if you've seen the black and white episode of "The X-Files" and remember how Mulder asked Scully to dance then you know what I'm talking about. Monica takes his hand and they start to dance. I know they would never dance throughout an entire song on "Friends" without talking, but hey, this is my fanfic and I decide what they're doing! Lol. And in case anyone's interested in the lyrics they'll be
written down after the fanfic]

MNCA: [as the song ends] Wow, I'm. sure glad you asked me to dance. I always thought you were a great dancer.

CHAN: I am, aren't I?

MNCA: Yes, as long as we stay within the cheek-to-cheek genre.

CHAN: [flips of stereo with remote] Yeah. Too bad I have to flip it off now. It kinda' ruins the mood.

MNCA: Why can't you just leave it on?

CHAN: 'Cause the next song is Queen's "Who Wants to Live Forever?". And that would DEFIANTLY ruin the mood.

MNCA: What kind of record is that, "The Death Collection"?

CHAN: Monica? Don't make jokes like that.

MNCA: What do you care, you never get mushy over any kind of comment.

CHAN: Okay, I think we've scared off all the mood by now.

MNCA: Sorry, I'm sorry.

CHAN: [snickers] Yeah, you'd better be. [heads for the stereo]

MNCA: Here. [hands him the cover]

CHAN: Thanks dear.

[He walks up to the stereo and takes the CD out]

CHAN: Mon? Hand me the Mariah Carey CD, I think I know a way to recreate the mood.

MNCA: Okay.

[She takes the CD out of it's cover and hands it to Chandler. He places the CD in the stereo, while checking something with the remote]

CHAN: Mon, what does this button do?

MNCA: That's the randomizer.

CHAN: Oh.

[He closes the CD "door" and goes back to Monica]

CHAN: Then let's let it decide what song I'm gonna use to seduce you.

MNCA: Oh my.

[He smiles and presses the button]

CHAN: And it doesn't work.

MNCA: Sure it does. You just need to press the button down in the corner at the same time.

CHAN: Oh.

[He does so and then throws the remote on the couch. He and Monica start to dance closely]

NATKINGCOLE: [singing from CD] Unforgettable.

[Chandler and Monica look up and exchange a questioned look. Then Chandler shakes his head, knowingly]

CHAN: Okay, now I get it.

MNCA: Get what?

CHAN: I once exchanged the record in the Nat King Cole cover with the one in the Mariah Carey cover 'cause I knew Joey would never touch the later one and therefore it would be protected from him.

MNCA: So. this means?

CHAN: That Joey didn't burn up my signed NKC record, he burned up my unsigned Mariah Carey record. [pause] There goes our birthday present for Rachel.

[Cut to: Outside of Rachel's apartment building]

[Rachel comes walking up to the door at the same time as a guy with shopping bags comes from a different direction. Rachel tries to avoid walking in the mud puddle just in front of the door. She stands there for a few seconds, then decides she wants to jump. She leaps over the puddle, but doesn't jump
far enough. She lands in the mud, slips and falls. She falls backwards, knocking down the guy with the grocery bags, tripping him too, and finally lands on her back, on the grocery bags. A loud, sort of cracking sound is heard. The guy gets up but Rachel stays on her back]

RACH: [scared] Oh gosh. oh my gosh, that crunching sound is my back! Oh my gosh, my back! Oh, I KNEW mud was bad for me whenever it wasn't the type you get at the beauty salon.

GUY: Do you need help, miss?

RACH: [annoyed and scared] Well of COURSE I need help! My back is broken!

GUY: Miss, I think--

RACH: And while you do that, call an ambulance!

GUY: Miss, I think that you just--

RACH: Oh my goodness. oh, I'm gonna end up in a wheelchair. or, or like one of those human vegetables.

GUY: Miss, please, let me--

RACH: Just call an ambulance, okay? Please?

GUY: Oh my! This, this.

RACH: Oh my god!

GUY: Oh, my, my, my, my, my!

[He reaches out his hand to help Rachel up]

RACH: No!

GUY: Sorry.

RACH: No, don't touch me! Call an ambulance, how many times do I have to tell you? It sounds as if my back is broken.

GUY: Oh , my, my. I just thought it was my pack of Cornflakes in the bag that you're laying on!

[Rachel realizes that makes more sense, rolls over and notices that she is in fact just laying on a box of Cornflakes]

[Closing Credits]

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom. They're seated on the bed together. Chandler's reading Monica's diary. She's reading over his shoulder]

CHAN: Wow, I don't even remember saying that.

MNCA: [smiling] I remember it as if it was yesterday.

CHAN: But Mon, it WAS yesterday.

MNCA: I know, I know. But I'll remember that for a long time.

CHAN: Yeah. I can be really sweet at times, don't you think?

MNCA: Yeah. Oh, here, let me show you another page you can read.

CHAN: Okay!

[She takes the diary and flips pages. Then she hands it back to Chandler, who looks at the date]

CHAN: Oh, I remember this date! It's the day you first said you loved me!

MNCA: That's right, sweetest.

[They kiss. Chandler then goes back to reading. After a few lines he looks up]

CHAN: Hey Mon, how come you don't mind me reading this? After all, this is private stuff for you.

MNCA: Yes it is. But it's really nice also, because when you read things I've written about you, like that I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before, you know it's true. And that it's not just something I'm telling you.

CHAN: Aww, that's so sweet!

[He goes back to reading. After a few lines he looks up again]

CHAN: Okay, you're a liar, give me your REAL diary!

The end!

When I Die, by No Mercy

VERSE: You give me strength when I start to worry. You lift me up when I'm
feeling sorry. Building me up with love and affection. When I'm in danger
you're my protection. And I'm the one you can depend upon. I'll always treat
you right, never do you wrong. Just speak of love burning inside of me. It's
gonna last for eternity. For eternity. For eternity. 'Cause baby I love you.
Baby I need you, yes I do.

CHORUS: And when I die I keep on living. You'll always have my love seeing
you through. I'll be your angel up in heaven. Forever all my love will shine
on you. 'Cause baby I love you. Baby I need you, yes I do.

VERSE: Now you've got someone you can believe in. No one can take away what
we're feeling. Our love is strong, it goes on forever. No one will ever love
you better. And when I'm gone I'll still be true to you. The seed of love
lives inside of you. I'll be your angel up in heaven. And all my love will
shine down on you. For eternity. For eternity. 'Cause baby I love you. Baby
I need you. Yes I do.

CHORUS: And when I die I keep on living. You'll always have my love seeing
you through. I'll be your angel up in heaven. Forever all my love will shine
on you. Baby I love you. Yes I do. And when I die I keep on living. You'll
always have my love seeing you through. I'll be your angel up in heaven.
Forever all my love will shine on you. Baby I love you. Baby I need you. Yes
I do.