The One With Chandler’s Last Try
[Opening Scene] [Scene: Ross’s place. Ross, Monica and Rachel are there]
ROSS: Oh man, this is so hard! I can’t decide! Should the main character be dark, mysterious, and bold, or more like a blond, blue-eyed, Nordic god?
MNCA: [sarcasm] Go with the Nordic god, Loki might just turn a few women on for you.
RACH: Ross, I don’t understand, wasn’t this book supposed to be about you?
ROSS: Yeah, it was, but Joey and Chandler told me no woman would be interested in reading that.
MNCA: So write a book for men.
ROSS: No, women are easier to sell books to.
[Monica and Rachel make offended noises]
RACH: Thanks allot, Ross!
ROSS: What, don’t get me wrong here!
MNCA: Actually, sure, I believe you. See, more women are capable of reading than men, so...
ROSS: Did I mention the main character’s sister is a pain in the ass?
[Opening Credits] [Scene: Joey and Chandler’s, later. Joey’s alone, reading. Chandler enters]
JOEY: Hey man.
CHAN: Hey.
JOEY: Where have you been?
CHAN: At Monica’s. We fought. [pause] Now she has forbidden me to talk to her or go anywhere near her apartment.
JOEY: And that’s how you plan on getting back together?
CHAN: [sits, sighs] You know what, Joe? I’m starting to get the feeling that she won’t take me back.
JOEY: The woman’s told you so every day for eight weeks and NOW you START to realize?
CHAN: She’s just being stubborn. But believe me Joe, one of these days, she’ll change her mind and we’ll be [gestures] right there again.
JOEY: One of these days when you’re FORTY?
CHAN: Fine, you don’t have to believe me! But I KNOW her, I can tell when she lowers her guard and starts letting me in.
JOEY: So has that happened?
CHAN: No, she’s never even been close. [pause] Wait a minute, I just thought of a way!
JOEY: [mocking] All ways are the QUEEN’S ways.
CHAN: Yeah, you make fun.
JOEY: So what’s this brilliant, “best-plan-since-the-idea-to-try-and-cure-cancer” plan?
CHAN: YOU’LL talk to her.
JOEY: Me?
CHAN: Yes, that is perfect! She listens to you!
JOEY: [hesitant] No, I don’t know man... taking sides like that kinda’ makes me uncomfortable.
CHAN: Oh, what’s the worst thing that can happen, she starts to dislike you too! How would that effect you?
JOEY: Other than the fact that I loose one of my best friends?
CHAN: Sure, look on the DARK side.
JOEY: Look, as much as I want to help, I think this is a thing between the two of you.
CHAN: Not anymore, go over there and talk to her! Come on, she trusts you, she listens to you!
JOEY: She won’t anymore, if I go over there to talk to her! Look, I asked her last week how things were between you, and she flipped out and got mad at me.
CHAN: Then you should see how she reacts when _I_ talk to her about us.
JOEY: That’s the problem Chandler, there IS no us between you guys. Do yourself a favour, do MONICA a favour, let it be. [beat] If you really loved her, then you’d leave her alone.
CHAN: What are you, a woman? Joey, I’m not leaving her alone BECAUSE I love her!
JOEY: Look, what is the most important thing to you? That YOU’RE happy or that SHE’S happy?
CHAN: Well, the ideal thing would be if we both were happy. But I guess her happiness means more to me than my own, yeah.
JOEY: Then let her get on with her life. She’s trying to put all of this behind her now, you keep tearing up the wound. If you want what’s best for her you should just leave her alone.
CHAN: [sarcasm, like a TV-commercial] Whenever you need comfort and guidance, you can always come to Joey.
JOEY: Yeah, go ahead and make fun. [wise] I KNOW what I’m talking about, man.
CHAN: [pause] So this means you’ll talk to her?
[Cut to: Ross’s place] [Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are there]
ROSS: Okay, now I’ve come up with a plot and a synopsis for the first two chapters.
RACH: Here, let me see. [reads] Ross? Everything IN your plot happens in these synopsises.
ROSS: You think I should spread it out a bit more?
RACH: Yeah.
ROSS: Okay, back to square one. [erases what he’s written]
RACH: Ross, why don’t you just make it easy on yourself and just write a book about dinosaurs? That will sell and it’ll be a subject that you KNOW something about.
ROSS: Excuse me, I happen to know allot about love, I’ve been married twice. YOU snuck out through the window when YOU were getting married.
PHOE: And the second time she was drunk. [remembers] Oh, wait, yeah, Ross was drunk too. And it was his THIRD. [amused] Ha, ha, Ross has been divorced three times.
CHAN: [enters] Hey guys.
PHOE: Hey! Ross finished a plot and synopsis for two chapters, but then Rachel realized the plot HAPPENS in the synopsis so then Ross erased everything!
CHAN: Then why did you tell me that?
ROSS: You guys can say what you want, I know this book will make money.
CHAN: [sits by the counter] Yeah, when they sell them for 4:99 and you get a free microwave with it.
RACH: Hey Chandler, you come from a family of writers, you must have all kinds of ideas and tips for Ross.
CHAN: Yeah, I do. [to Ross] Don’t write a book!
ROSS: I believe in this, you guys. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you.
Sometimes you’re allot more supportive when you don’t know what I’m up to. PHOE: Chandler, don’t you have any USEFUL tips? [rises and walks to another room]
CHAN: That WAS useful.
ROSS: Anything else?
CHAN: Yeah, make sure your plot is spanned out over the entire book, and not just over the first few chapters.
RACH: You should have come over earlier, he could have used that kind of thinking.
ROSS: [rises, goes to the kitchen] Nobody writes a terrific first novel, you just have to give it time and know the second book will be better.
CHAN: Did you know that Stephen King’s first book was “The Stand”?
ROSS: [beat] Okay, so SOME people write a terrific first novel.
PHOE: Ross, I don’t get why you’re so hooked up on the idea that it has to be a romance- or a dinosaur book. You can write about a ton of different other stuff.
CHAN: Yeah, you can write... [thinks] “Musings of a Lousy Writer”.
ROSS: How do you know I’m lousy, all you’ve ever read that I have written has been reports about dinosaurs and stuff.
CHAN: Which just proves my point.
ROSS: [The phone rings] Yeah, I’m gonna answer that, but I think you should change your attitude...
RACH: I say you go right ahead and try to talk him out of this, Chandler.
ROSS: [answering phone] Hello? [listens] Yeah, hold on for a second, I'll see if she's here.
CHAN: Your sister used to be there.
ROSS: [on phone] Yeah, let me check, I think she's here. She should be.
CHAN: I thought your sister was there. She should be.
ROSS: Okay, shut up Chandler.
PHOE: [reentering] That’s a great title for a book!
CHAN: You hear everything, don't you?
ROSS: Phoebs? It’s for you.
PHOE: Oh.
[Ross throws her the phone. She talks in the background more or less throughout the scene]
CHAN: Look, I’ll tell you what Ross. I will help you with your book if you help me with your sister.
RACH: Oh gosh, Chandler, you are not still hoping on that, are you?
CHAN: I happen to be a firm believer that hope is the last thing that abandoned the man.
RACH: Yeah, but you’re not a man you’re a wuss.
ROSS: Look, I’m on your side on this, you know that, but Chandler I don’t think I should go talk to Monica. That won’t do any good, she knows I side with you and she starts yelling at me if I even bring up the subject of relationships.
CHAN: Right now I’d settle for just some sex, she and I can discuss the relationship bit afterwards.
RACH: And you think she’ll take you back if you say that to her?
CHAN: [ignoring her comment] Right now I’ve got Joey to over there to talk to her.
ROSS: Joey? How’d you get him to do THAT?
CHAN: Hey, he’s my friend, he’s there for me... and also, I promised him to try and help him find a replacement for Monica on that stupid TV-show.
RACH: _I_ can replace Monica.
CHAN: Actually you could, apparently they’re not looking for a girl with acting talent.
ROSS: Maybe I should start hanging out on the set and, you know, write the book about people that work on a television show!
CHAN: [thinks fast] I could get you in on the set if you try and help me get back together with Monica.
ROSS: Forget it, no means no.
RACH: Hey Chandler, would you get ME a job there, preferably as an actress, if _I_ get you back together with Monica?
CHAN: Maybe... but at least I will forgive you for that popcorn thing in Cornwall.
RACH: [annoyed] Oh come on, you haven’t gotten past that yet? Nothing HAPPENED!
ROSS: You burned Joey’s house down.
RACH: But Joey and Monica were just fine.
CHAN: Yeah, ‘cause they decided to go get some fresh air right before the fire started.
ROSS: By the way, what did your bosses at Ralph Lauren say when they found out you’d lost one of their originals in the fire?
CHAN: I don’t work for Ralph Lauren. [of Ross’s glare] What, am I not allowed to make a joke?
PHOE: [jumps in] No. [goes back to talking on the phone]
RACH: Well, they were upset, but what could they do? The dress was gone.
ROSS: You can consider yourself lucky they didn’t fire you.
RACH: I know, but I told them the fire wasn’t my fault... totally ignoring the popcorn bit, but still.
CHAN: Man, those Ralph Lauren people must be real idiots if they think a fire just starts by itself.
RACH: [defensive] Hey, this fire did!
PHOE: Could you all be just a little bit more quiet, I’m talking on the phone here.
RACH: I still think it’s unfair that the only bag that made it was one of Monica’s.
CHAN: What’s “one of”, she only brought one.
ROSS: Well Rach, out of ten bags five were yours, you had the odds on your side.
RACH: Isn’t there a song that’s called something like that?
CHAN: Yes there is, “Against all Odds”... whenever I hear it I think about Monica... and get depressed.
RACH: Maybe you should just try and get on with your life.
CHAN: Do I have to?
ROSS: No, you could help me with the book.
CHAN: [pause] On the other hand, I need to move on SOME time.
RACH: Great, so listen, I have this colleague who’s single and who doesn’t want to be single any longer--
CHAN: [down] I wish _I_ wasn’t single.
RACH: Anyway, what if I set you two up on a date? Huh? What do you say?
CHAN: I say not ever.
PHOE: Why not, Monica’s dating again!
[She goes back to the phone. Rachel gestures “cut” to her and Ross gives her an angry look]
CHAN: What?
ROSS: Nothing.. Phoebe’s joking, Phoebe’s crazy...
RACH: Phoebe’s insane!
PHOE: Phoebe’s right. Now if you’ll excuse me. [goes back to the phone call]
CHAN: Monica’s DATING?
RACH: [gives up, sighs] Well she had two dates last week with this guy called Tom...
ROSS: Way to go Rach, we could easily have convinced him that Phoebe was talking gibberish.
CHAN: [hurt] She, she went out with him more than once? Why, why, why didn’t she TELL me? Why didn’t YOU tell me?
PHOE: We just DID.
CHAN: [angry] Oh would you just go back to your phone call?
ROSS: Sorry man... But hey, nothing says it’s getting serious, right? I mean, it could just be a short fling.
CHAN: Oh please, two dates in one week? He’s practically moved in and taken my side of her bed!
RACH: Chandler, calm down would ya’, I mean you HAD to have known this was gonna happen sooner or later.
CHAN: But why did it have to be SOONER?
ROSS: You hang in there, as long as she hasn’t slept with him she’s still... up for grabs.
CHAN: Eww, she’s gonna SLEEP with that Tom guy? Tom’s disgusting, Tom’s bad for her, I HATE Tom!
RACH: You don’t even KNOW Tom.
CHAN: Yeah, well all I know about him I hate.
PHOE: [on phone] Yeah. [to Chandler] Don’t look out the window Chandler. [back on phone] I KNOW!
CHAN: Why shouldn’t I--
[Before he can finish, Ross dives in front of the window and closes the blinds. Rachel stands in front of the window, arms stretched out, as if trying to prevent Chandler from seeing]
PHOE: [on phone] Yeah, it’s nothing, Chandler’s just freaking out.
CHAN: I’m not freaking out!
RACH: Not yet, but soon enough!
CHAN: Hey Ross, found a new title for your book. “We’re all a Bunch of Immature Babies”.
ROSS: Yeah, you can say that now, but you’ll thank me later on.
RACH: And me! Don’t forget me!
CHAN: Okay. [rises] Thank you Rachel. [leaves]
RACH: Where do you think HE’S going?
PHOE: Probably to check what it was you wouldn’t wanna let him see. [goes back to the phone call]
RACH: [her typical] No.
[She and Ross share a look, then they race out the hall to try and catch Chandler: Phoebe hangs up the phone]
PHOE: No, wait, you guys stay here in case he comes back! I’ll go to Central Perk and get Joey, the two of us can wrestle him away! [She runs out after Ross and Rachel]
[Cut to: Monica’s] [Monica’s on the couch, making out with her date Tom (David Duchovny... I just had to throw him in... :)) Chandler enters. Monica and Tom break from their kiss and look at him, slightly surprised. Chandler looks surprised, hurt and angry, Tom looks surprised, confused and impatient and Monica looks surprised, ashamed and guilty]
[Commercial Break] [Scene: The hallway. Joey and Phoebe come running up the stairs]
PHOE: Hurry Joey, hurry!
JOEY: Okay! [looks up] Uh-oh, too late!
[Just as he says “uh-oh”, Chandler exits Monica’s apartment. A song begins to play in the background, on very low volume. Chandler looks hurt, jealous and upset]
PHOE: Chandler wait!
CHAN: Not now Phoebs.
PHOE: [like a general] Stop this very second!
[Chandler halts and raises his hand in a salute]
CHAN: [realizing what he just did] Why am I doing that? [beat] I saw Monica with that... that... what’s his name again?
PHOE: Well, are you sure you saw someone else than Monica?
CHAN: Just... Leave me alone! Monica has left me and she’s never coming back.
[He goes into his and Joey’s apartment. Phoebe and Joey share a look]
JOEY: What, he didn’t know that already?
[At this point, the music goes up and we cut to a montage sequence of Chandler and Monica’s relationship... I just had to throw one of those in… :Þ. Anyway, I’d only seen up to “TOW Ross’s Denial” (which I by the way think is a really bad title) when I wrote this, so the sequences are only up to that episode (with the exception of one). And as in “TO in Cornwall”, the clip is written after the lyrics...]
SONG: No matter what they tell us. - Chandler and Monica, the morning after they first slept together.
SONG: No matter what they do. - Phoebe’s dance for Chandler, in “TOW Everybody Finds Out”.
SONG: No matter what they teach us. - At Central Perk, when Chandler talks about the time he bumped into Dough at the strip club (strip church).
SONG: What we believe is true. - Right after Ross stormed out when they wouldn’t call of the moving-in, in “TOW Ross’s Denial”.
SONG: No matter what they call us. – Chandler talking on the phone with Phoebe, in “TOW Everybody Finds Out” .
SONG: However they attack. – Ross storming into Monica’s apartment and chasing after Chandler in the beginning of “TOW the Girl Who Hits Joey”.
SONG: No matter where they take us. - Chandler and Monica at Caesar’s Palace.
SONG: We’ll find our own way back. - The two on the plane back from London.
SONG: I can’t deny what I believe. - Chandler and Monica on his bed, in “TOW Everybody Finds Out”.
SONG: I can’t be what I’m not. – Monica and Chandler on her couch in the beginning of “TOW Ross Hugs Rachel” (which is another episode with a really lame title… no offence to any R&R fans, but the friends hug each other in every other episode…).
SONG: Ill know our love forever. – The classic men’s room scene.
SONG: I know no matter what. – Chandler lifting Monica up in “TOW Phoebe Hates PBS”.
SONG: If only tears were laughter. – Chandler consoling Monica after revealing that he doesn’t like her massages.
SONG: If only night was day. – Their early morning rendezvous in “TOW all the Kips” (this episode title is in Sweden translated so that it means “TOW all the Kids”… was there a single child in that episode?).
SONG: If only prayers were answers. - Their flirt-talk in “TOW Ross Can’t Flirt”.
SONG: Then we would hear God say. – Monica claiming she’s disgusting, to explain why “she slept“ with Joey.
SONG: No matter what they tell you. - The opening scene of “TOW the Ball”.
SONG: No matter what they do. - Phoebe and Rachel spotting the couple through the window in Ugly Naked Guy’s/ Ross’s apartment.
SONG: No matter what they teach you. - Joey telling them to “get ready to come out of the non-gay closet”.
SONG: What you believe is true. – Chandler explaining to Monica what “goofing around” means, according to his dictionary.
SONG: And I will keep you safe and strong. – Chandler and Monica’s reaction when Rachel asks if Chandler and Joey have a tape measure.
SONG: And sheltered from the storm. – Chandler running out of Monica’s apartment in “TOW the Inappropriate Sister”.
SONG: No matter where it’s barren. – Chandler’s living room proposal.
SONG: A dream is being born. – The couple cuddling in a recliner in “TOW the Girl Who Hits Joey”.
[Instrumental verse here… The instrumental verse has as many “lines” as the other verses, only it’s played on a violin. The following four clips are shown…
- Chandler and Monica telling Joey they’re moving in together.
- Chandler offering to be her boyfriend when they go to the beach.
- That cute little dance they do when they’re watching Joey’s porno movie in “TOW Phoebe’s Husband”.
- In Vegas, when they walk up to Phoebe right after they made up]
SONG: No matter who they follow. - Monica complaining that no one’s eating her Tuscan-style finger-food and Chandler wanting the snow-cones.
SONG: No matter where they lead. – Ross dragging Chandler into Monica’s apartment in “TOW Ross’s Denial”.
SONG: No matter how they judge us. – Monica telling Ross she loves Chandler too, “TOW the Girl who Hits Joey”.
SONG: I’ll be everyone you need. Monica welcoming Chandler to an adult relationship.
SONG: No matter if the sun don’t shine. The duo doing a crossword puzzle.
SONG: Or if the skies are blue. – Chandler and Monica in her apartment after having “allot of sex”.
SONG: No matter what the ending. – Monica telling Chandler not to be in a real relationship if he’s to afraid, and then leaving Central Perk.
SONG: My life began with you. – Chandler’s “hats off to Phoebe” line after the “they don’t know that we know they know we know” thing.
SONG: I can’t deny what I believe. Monica leaping into his arms after saying “yes” when he wants to live with her.
SONG: I can’t be what I’m not. – At the dinner with Dough and Cara, when Monica tells him she won’t come with him to any more work things.
SONG: I know this love’s forever. – Their kiss in the end of “TOW Everybody Finds Out”.
SONG: That’s all that matters now no matter what. – Their first on-screen kiss, their lips meeting at the word “matter” (not matters… matter… I’m picky… :~)).
[At this point of the song, the lines “know no matter what” and “know no matter” are sung in the background]
SONG: No, no matter. That’s all that matters to me. – Chandler’s inappropriate kiss in “TOW all the Kisses”, before he goes to work.
SONG: No, no matter. That’s all that matters to me. – The opening scene of “TOW the Yeti”, when they’re making out in a recliner.
SONG: I know no matter, that’s all that matters to me. – Monica giving him permission to go on a road-trip to Vegas.
SONG: I know no matter, that’s all that matters to me. – The kiss in the beginning of “TO in Vegas“, right before Phoebe declares that she’s going too.
SONG: I know no matter what, that’s all that matters to me. – The two discussing the “merge” sign.
SONG: I know no matter what, that’s all that matters to me. – The scene from “TO in Cornwall”, where Monica sees Chandler kissing Pippa.
[Cut to: Chandler and Joey’s, later] [Chandler’s sitting on the window pane. Joey enters, having talked to Monica
CHAN: [hopeful] Well?
JOEY: [shakes head] No, man... [pause] I’m sorry. She’s determined to keep it like this. She’s even got another date with Tom.
CHAN: Oh... it was, it was a long shot, anyway.
JOEY: I don’t understand how you managed to keep going like this for this long. I mean, that woman is sure hard to fight with. I can’t argue with anything that she says!
CHAN: Joey? Don’t tell me stuff like that.
JOEY: Sorry.
CHAN: So she... didn’t seem the least bit ready to forgive me?
JOEY: I’m sorry, dude...
CHAN: No, no it’s my fault... I... didn’t treat her right and so I lost her.
JOEY: Right! Like when you’re a kid and your parents throw away your magazines if you loose them or break them.
CHAN: How can they throw away a magazine that you’ve lost?
JOEY: Well, they FIND it first.
CHAN: Let’s just face it, Joey... god gave me a change to be happy, I didn’t take it and therefore I’ll never be happy.
JOEY: Can’t argue with THAT either... but, uh... I forgot my keys at Monica’s, I’m gonna go get them... if she’ll let me in... [exits]
[Cut to: Monica’s] [Joey enters and picks up his keys from the counter. He looks up and sees Monica. She’s on HER windowpane. She’s got her arms around her knees and she’s resting her face against her knees. Joey slowly walks closer]
JOEY: Monica? Oh, Monica. [hugs her]
MNCA: I miss him Joey... I admit it, I do.
JOEY: I know... since you're crying and all.
MNCA: I miss him so much it hurts, and I want him back, I hate myself for it, but I DO.
JOEY: But Mon... if you want him back, then he's just right across the hall.
MNCA: I know, but Joey if we got back together I'd still hate him for what he did to me...
JOEY: You would?
MNCA: Yeah. [looks up] And then I'd just start hating everything else about him until I...
JOEY: Kill him?
MNCA: Not exactly where I was going... Joey, I can't take him back, 'cause if I DO then I've lost him forever...
JOEY: And now you haven't?
MNCA: I still have his friendship... rather that than nothing.
JOEY: [pause] I can’t argue with that... I can’t argue with ANYTHING.
MNCA: Yeah, I know.
[Cut to: Chandler and Joey’s] [Chandler’s still on the windowpane. Joey enters. “Unchain my Heart”, Joe Cocker, plays in the background]
JOEY: Wow, that’s so freaky. When I left she turned on the radio and “Unbreak my Heart” was playing. And now you’re listening to “UnCHAIN my heart”. [mystical] There’s still a connection between your souls...
CHAN: Forget it, I give up.
JOEY: Finally. No offence, but [relieved] how I’ve waited for you to say that!
CHAN: [bitter] If she doesn’t want me, then fine! To hell with her! She can take a hike! I mean, she’s only the only woman who’s ever understood me, the only woman who’s ever cared to find out whom I am behind the sarcastic exterior. The only woman whom I’ve ever showed all of my sides to... [pause] Why the hell am I giving up on her again?
JOEY: Uhm... because she told you to?
CHAN: Yeah, but I never listened to her.
JOEY: [scoffs] Never listened to her? Dude, if she told you to jump of the Chrystler building, you would only ask her from which floor.
CHAN: And you get that I listen to her from that?
JOEY: Come on... if she came over here and told you to ask no questions, just follow her into the bedroom and have sex all night long, what would you say?
CHAN: Can I lie? [pause] Yeah, I’d say “of course, immediately”!
JOEY: And if she came over here and told you to ask no questions and drink a glass of arsenic, I’m quite convinced that you’d say the same thing.
CHAN: [scoffs] Oh come on Joey... I mean... where would she get arsenic from at these hours? [pause] So, wait a minute, did you say she was listening to the radio?
JOEY: [thinks] Yeah.
CHAN: Okay. Then I am gonna give this one last chance. One more. Not two, not two hundred and eighty-six. ONE.
JOEY: You think one is right between two and... that other number you said?
CHAN: What? [grabs phone] No, I’m gonna give her one last chance to be happy with me again... and if she doesn’t take it I’ll go around calling her a heartless bitch. That way I can get my frustration out SOME way.
JOEY: I think you’d be better off borrowing my “Playboys”. Wouldn’t it be easier to go across the hall and talk to her? I think you’d make a more serious impression.
CHAN: Oh I’m not calling HER.
JOEY: [realizes] Oh good god! No Chandler! This is something ROSS would do!
[Cut to: Monica’s] [She’s sitting where Joey left her, on the windowpane, staring out the window. She turns her head, slightly confused, when she hears what the radio-DJ’s talking about]
DJ: [from radio] Our next song is dedicated to Monica from Chandler. He says he wants you to know that he’s sorry and wishes you to give him one last chance.
[Bryan Adams’s “Please Forgive Me” starts to play]
MNCA: [annoyed] Oh great... he HAD to chose one of the songs he didn’t know I love?
[Cut to: Chandler and Joey’s]
CHAN: Do you think this’ll work?
JOEY: I highly doubt it.
CHAN: I know...
[Cut to: Monica’s] [Phoebe enters]
PHOE: Hey.
MNCA: Hi Phoebe.
PHOE: Wow, are you listening to the radio? ‘Cause I got this freaky sense that either you, Ross, Joey, someone in Texas or Bob Dole was.
MNCA: [sarcasm] Wow, with those odds it’s amazing that you were right!
[Cut to: Chandler and Joey’s] [I made a little time-cut here... It’s somewhere during the second verse]
JOEY: You know what I think?
CHAN: No and I don’t care.
JOEY: I think that if you wanted to win Monica over you should have requested another song. You want her to feel special, right?
CHAN: Well actually, I was mostly looking for feeling a change of heart.
JOEY: Well, I still think you should have gone with “Sex Bomb”.
CHAN: No wonder you’ve never had a long term relationship.
[They quiet and listen to the “first half” of the second chorus... and since it’s not much use to ya’ if you don’t know the lyrics, I’m writing ‘em down :-)]
SONG: So if you’re feeling lonely don’t. You’re the only one I’ll ever want. I only wanna make it good. Still waiting for love, yeah I need her more than I should.
CHAN: Seriously though. You think this’ll work?
JOEY: I don’t think you should have asked me that. [beat] Maybe you’re just taking the wrong approach.
CHAN: No no, I’m actually taking ALL the approaches.
JOEY: No, just let her know that when she feels ready there will be a spot open for her.
CHAN: She already knows she’ll always be my friend.
JOEY: As your GIRLfriend.
CHAN: I miss calling her that... my girlfriend... it sounded so right.
JOEY: Look, all I’m saying is that, you know... don’t put pressure on her, just let her know all of her options and leave her at that. And besides, maybe she’s like guys and sex.
CHAN: What?
JOEY: You know... ever if you don’t want it, you want it if you can’t HAVE it.
[Cut to: Monica’s]
[There’s been another slight time-cut. Phoebe’s sitting with Monica by the window, hugging her. The bridge of the song is playing. Chandler enters, quietly. Phoebe looks up, sees him, excuses herself and goes to Monica’s bedroom. The chorus starts to play]
SONG: Please forgive me, I know not what I do. Please forgive me, I can’t stop loving you. Don’t deny me this pain I’m going through. Please forgive me, if I need you like I do.
[Monica looks up and sees Chandler. He slowly walks closer]
SONG: Babe believe me, I don’t know what I do. Please forgive me if I can’t stop loving you. No, believe me, I don’t know what I do. Please forgive me. I can’t stop loving you. Can’t stop loving you.
MNCA: [risen, walking closer] Chandler, I know what you’re gonna say--
CHAN: Sch, just... just hear me out, okay?
MNCA: Yeah, but does it take long, ‘cause I’ve got buns in the oven. [of his look] ACTUAL buns. They’re with saffron.
CHAN: Oh... Uhm... Okay, listen. I was gonna tell you something other than this, but I just thought of this and it’s a good argument.
MNCA: [unenthused] Oh boy.
CHAN: Did you know that loving someone means that you love them by heart, soul and body? Yes, I kissed another. But that was just the body. The other two--
MNCA: Chandler, Chandler. Listen, what happens to a fire if you take away heat, oxygen or, or fuel?
CHAN: What?
MNCA: The fire burns out.
CHAN: I know that, I DID go to school. [beat] Although no one has asked me that for ten years. [sentimental] Mr. Boboos would be SO proud of me for remembering.
MNCA: You had a teacher named Boboos? Anyway, it’s the same thing with us. Picture our relationship like a fire. When you kissed another you took something away, say the fuel! So the fire burned out.
CHAN: I’ll just nicely change the subject into what it was I came here to tell you.
MNCA: [relieved] Good idea.
CHAN: I was planning on coming over here and... well, pretty much go through the usual routine... but instead I... Listen. I know I don’t deserve you any longer.
MNCA: According to Richard you never did. Although Richard has his ideas.
CHAN: All I know is... that I love you, okay? You can force me to live without you, but you cannot force me not to love you. And that emotion is all I have right now, so please don’t force me to give up on that. That’s all I want, to get to love you. And I don’t care if you think you don’t want me back right now... if you should ever change your mind... then you know where to find me.
MNCA: [soft] Chandler, you’re not doing either of us a favour by waiting for me.
CHAN: Because of Tom?
MNCA: Because it doesn’t matter if you wait for a week or fifty years. If you meet a woman then I want you to allow yourself to fall in love with her.
CHAN: Yeah, just know... if you ever need a boyfriend... you have my phone number.
MNCA: And if you ever need a friend, you have mine.
CHAN: I promise, I won’t join a convict ‘till you come back to me. But nothing you say can keep me from waiting.
[She smiles sadly and hugs him. He seems unsure of how hard to hold her. Then he awkwardly smiles and leaves. Phoebe exits Monica’s bedroom]
PHOE: Okay, so it’s still okay that I’ve declared peace with him, right?
[Closing Credits] [Scene: Ross’s place. He’s talking on the phone]
ROSS: [on phone] Yeah, hi, is this Danielle Steel? [listens] Hi, I’m Ross Geller and I’m writing a book, I was wondering if you had some tip-- [gets cut off] Damn it! That was the THIRD ONE! [thinks] Peter Pohl! [dials]
The end!