[Opening Scene] [Scene: Central Perk. The gang’s there]
JOEY: So when are we gonna get to go out partying with this wizard guy?
ROSS: Soon.
RACH: How soon?
CHAN: Rachel, didn’t your mother ever tell you that you don’t get things any faster by bitching about it?
RACH: [annoyed] Didn’t your mother ever tell you that you do?
ROSS: Anyway, since both Chandler and I are working allot this week it’ll probably be this weekend. Gandalf says he’s gonna stick around for a week or two minimum, so we won’t risk missing him.
MNCA: So where are you guys going partying?
CHAN: Oh just, you know… all around the globe.
[Monica makes a “ha, ha” face and rises to get some coffee or something]
RACH: “You guys”? Aren’t any women allowed to come?
CHAN: No, we don’t bring any women to our partying.
JOEY: That really sounds sad.
GNDLF: [enters] Hey guys.
PHOE: [bowing in her chair] Great magician.
GNDLF: [low, to Ross] Hey I was thinking, why don’t we bring your sister to the partying?
[Opening Credits] [Scene: Joey’s. Joey and Chandler are there]
CHAN: So you just took off?
JOEY: Well, yeah!
CHAN: Well, the word “idiot” comes to mind.
JOEY: I don’t know, I just felt all… all… Well I just felt really nervous to kiss her.
CHAN: Nervous?
JOEY: Yeah! I mean, we’re having a great time and all when we go out, it’s just…
CHAN: [finishing sentence] … making you nervous to try and kiss her.
JOEY: Yeah, how did you know?
CHAN: You… told me.
JOEY: Oh. Anyway, I don’t know what this is, I mean… How can I be nervous about kissing a woman? I wasn’t even nervous when I was eight and got my first French kiss!
CHAN: You were EIGHT?
JOEY: Yeah. Why, how old were you?
CHAN: I was nine… [low] teen. But you know Joe, even though it makes you nervous to kiss her you can’t just take off like that on a date. She’s not gonna want to see you again if you do that.
JOEY: I know, I know.
CHAN: So why did you take off?
JOEY: Well… Okay. We were at her place, right? And we were listening to some music. By the way, have you ever realized Eagle-Eye Cherry is pretty good?
CHAN: [confused] Who?
JOEY: Anyway, we got to sitting on the couch, talking. She told me about the two boyfriends she’d had before me, I told her about the five of mine…
CHAN: Five?
Joey: I’VE had more girlfriends than that.
JOEY: I know, I just didn’t think it would be a great idea to tell her that I sleep with, like, five girls a MONTH! And besides, one night stands aren’t the same thing as a relationship. [pause] Right?
CHAN: Well of course not!
JOEY: Good. Anyway, all of a sudden we were getting… kinda’ close with our heads, you know what I mean?
CHAN: [sarcasm] No.
JOEY: [ignoring the comment] And I could tell from the look on her face that she was about to kiss me… And I just couldn’t, so I took off.
CHAN: What, just like that?
JOEY: Well yeah!
CHAN: Joey that is so lame! You could have done something allot nicer than just run out! You, you could have told her… that you don’t want to kiss someone who’s just eaten garlic.
JOEY: She’s allergic to garlic.
CHAN: Then you could have told her you’d just eaten garlic! Joey, the point is, you like this girl, right?
JOEY: Well I THINK so… We have a good time and all… [The phone rings]
CHAN: Aren’t you gonna answer?
JOEY: No, I’m gonna let the machine get it.
CHAN: Why?
JOEY: So that I can, uh… filter my incoming calls. You know, only pick up if I hear that it’s someone I want to speak to, yeah.
CHAN: Okay, but if that is Monica and you’re letting her wait that long before you pick up, I’m gonna kick your ass.
JOEY: [from answering machine] Here comes the beep, you know what to do.
[Joey listens carefully. Although, after the beep you can hear the person hang up]
JOEY: [upset] Oh this is just great! This is just great, how can people do that to their fellow citizens?
CHAN: I don’t know, how can people let their fellow citizens wait before picking up the phone like that?
JOEY: [sits] Oh man!
CHAN: Let me guess… You’re afraid it’s gonna be her, right?
JOEY: No way! [The phone rings again]
CHAN: [answering] Hello? [Joey gives him an “Ill kill you” look]
CHAN: [on phone] Yes, he lives here, you’ve got the right number. Hold on, I’ll see if he’s around. [covers the phone with his hand, to Joey] Well, it’s Kathryn.
JOEY: [nervous] Uhm, tell her I uh…
CHAN: I can tell her that you will take this call! Come on, you owe her an explanation!
JOEY: [nervous] So does Pinochet for Chile! Uhm, okay, PLEASE Chandler could you tell her that I’m down at the coffee house?
CHAN: What if she goes down there?
JOEY: Too bad, she just missed me! [begging] PLEASE!
CHAN: Fine. [on phone] Yes, Kathryn? Joey says he’s at the coffee house. [listens] Okay, I’ll give him the message. Bye now. [hangs up] Well Joey, she says to call her whenever you imagine yourself to be back from the coffee house and to not imagine that you stop by somewhere else on your way home.
[Cut to: Central Perk] [Phoebe, Rachel and Ross are there]
ROSS: … so then the scientists discovered that there has been a mass extinction, wiping out nearly all the live on this planet, FIVE times!
RACH: [scoffs] Oh pah, you just saw than on “The X-Files”.
ROSS: [long pause] Yes that’s true.
PHOE: Speaking of “The X-Files”, did you guys see last weeks episode of “Millennium”?
RACH: Uhm, no Phoebs… That show has been closed down for ages.
PHOE: It has?
ROSS: Yes.
PHOE: Then what did _I_ see? [mystical] Maybe it was Gandalf’s magic…
ROSS: [rises] I’m gonna get some more coffee, anybody want anything?
RACH: Yeah, I’ll have the money it would cost you to buy me a doughnut, please!
PHOE: Oh cool, I’ll have that too!
ROSS: Rach, are you short on money?
RACH: No, just a little…
ROSS: [sits again] How much?
RACH: $7000.
PHOE: Whoa! What did you do, drive off to Atlantic city?
RACH: No, I… invested in this thing and it turned out it didn’t give me any money, so if I don’t get a hold of $7000 pretty soon then I won’t be able to pay rent.
PHOE: Oh you’re gonna need the money from allot of doughnuts, in that case.
ROSS: Well that’s no sweat, I mean, we’ll all loan you the money?
RACH: [disbelief] You’re gonna loan me $7000, just like that, when we owe that exact sum to the IRS?
ROSS: No, I was thinking me, Phoebs, Joey and Chandler and Monica could loan it to you. [beat] Kinda’ what I meant with “we”.
PHOE: Oh sorry, you’ll have to count me out. I only have $5000 on my bank account. I REALLY should start searching for work.
RACH: Yeah you should. ROSS: Okay, then it’s $7000 divided by four, that’s $1750 a piece.
PHOE: You really think Joey would be able to cough up that kind of money? Especially since she technically needs $10050?
RACH: What, wait, how come I need THAT much?
PHOE: Well half of the audit thing.
RACH: Yeah, Ross I was thinking about that, you don’t think there’s any chance you could pay for all of that, is there?
ROSS: No. What I WILL do is loan you $2512 and 50 cents.
RACH: Oh, it’s just gonna take me forever to pay you guys all back!
PHOE: Oh, I have a WONDERFUL idea!
RACH: [eager] What, what’s your wonderful idea, what?
PHOE: All of you who loan her money can throw in a 6% interest.
RACH: Okay Phoebs, HOW does that help me?
PHOE: Oh we were trying to help YOU? Well okay then, it help you get a job faster, ‘cause you’ll want to repay everyone sooner.
RACH: But Phoebs I HAVE a job.
PHOE: [remembers] Right… Who was it that didn’t have one, again?
ROSS: You.
PHOE: Yes, that makes sense.
GNDLF: [entering] Hey guys.
ROSS: Hey.
GNDLF: [sits] I was just gonna wait for Chandler here.
ROSS: [jealous] Where are you going?
GNDLF: We’re going to have lunch. Why?
ROSS: [jealous] Oh yeah, like THAT’S all you’re gonna do!
PHOE: You know what you should do?
GNDLF: What?
PHOE: You should go try make the Statue of Liberty go away, that thing is an eyesore.
RACH: What, no it’s not!
PHOE: [scoffs] Oh, and I suppose the hanging gardens of Babylon were beautiful too.
RACH: Well… Yeah!
PHOE: Oh you’re SO easy to fool!
RACH: Hey Gandalf, you wouldn’t happen to be rich, would you?
ROSS: What? RACHEL!
PHOE: VERY unsubtle. Both of you.
GNDLF: Well, Ross’s ex-wife, how much money would you think a CPA makes?
RACH: Well, it’s a paper job and most paper job guys just rip you off!
ROSS: Rachel behave.
PHOE: [mystical] I think he has all the money he needs… He know how to get it…
GNDLF: [confused] Sure, I guess.
RACH: Well, see the thing is, I’m in need of some money, and I was thinking I could possibly borrow some from you, since I’m not very likely to see you again, so I won’t have to pay you back… [pause] That last thing was a really stupid thing to say out loud… [pause] So, do you have $10050?
GNDLF: Sure, if you divide it with ten, or possibly a hundred.
RACH: Yeah, but give me a break, where can I find ten more guys I’ll never meet again?
GNDLF: I don’t know, but a piece of advice, don’t tell them what you just told me.
ROSS: Can we please talk about something else?
GNDLF: YES! RACH: Yeah, you’re not so subtle yourself.
PHOE: I can tell you all that I’ve decided not to dump Scott.
ROSS: Oh that’s good.
PHOE: Yeah. I was going to, but then it turned out all his friends will be going back to Spain next week.
ROSS: Oh that’s… good.
PHOE: Yeah, good reddens to bad rubbish.
RACH: You might wanna re-think that attitude.
PHOE: I was thinking though, that maybe I should take some Spanish classes after all, so then I can impress Scott by saying [says something in Spanish… I won’t write anything down, ‘cause I don’t speak Spanish myself].
ROSS: Learned some already?
PHOE: Just a little. [Meanwhile, Gandalf’s taken out a few small pieces of paper, and is trying to get them in the right place]
ROSS: [noticing] Dude, what the hell are you doing?
GNDLF: I found a torn up note on the kitchen table of Chandler’s apartment this morning, I think it’s Monica’s.
ROSS: You’re SPYING on her? I would never think something like that of you!
PHOE: I would. I mean no offence Gandalf, but you IRS people must be pretty used to puzzling together small pieces, this is really just a force of habit.
ROSS: Yeah, well I still don’t think it’s like you, Mike. [pause] That piece goes over there. [moves it]
[Cut to: Chandler and Monica’s] [Monica’s at the coffee table, laying a patience]
MNCA: [her thoughts] There really is nothing as calming and soothing as a good old patience. I just… stop thinking of all the crap in my life… Like for example why my apartment is so dusty today, what those weird looks from Mike means, where Chandler is right now, what I’m making for dinner, why my mother hates me, why the shower curtain won’t straighten out, money problems, when will Chandler leave me, can’t you prohibit nuclear bombs and weapons, won’t there ever be justice, where does space end, will Mulder and Scully ever kiss, who killed Kennedy, will they ever find a cure for HIV…
[Chandler and Joey enter and see her sitting there]
CHAN: [low, to Joey] Oh look, she’s laying a patience. That means she’s thinking on one of her “horrible problems”.
JOEY: [low] That doesn’t sound very good.
CHAN: [low] I know, [emotional] but she is so CUTE, don’t you think?
JOEY: [shrugs shoulders] She’s okay.
CHAN: [low] No, she’s absolutely adorable! [walks up to her] Mon, what do you say you and I elope and move to Jamaica where we can hide away from everyone and everything?
MNCA: [turns and smiles] I was just thinking about stuff like that!
[Commercial Break] [Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, the next day. Chandler’s on the couch when there’s a knock on the door. He goes to open. Kathryn (“played” by Sandra Bullock… and I’m pretty sure everyone knows who she is) is on the other side]
KTRYN: [nervous] Hi… I’m uh… Looking for Joey Tribbiani and I don’t know if he lives here or across the hall, so I thought I’d take a chance…
CHAN: Well, you half won. Joey lives across the hall, but I’m his best friend. Can I do anything for you?
KTRYN: Look, no offence, but I don’t think you’re my type.
CHAN: Oh, no, no, no, I didn’t mean it like that. No, I actually have a girlfriend. Yeah.
KTRYN: Well okay then… Do you know if Joey’s home?
CHAN: He’s at an audition.
KTRYN: Actually, do you think I could have a word with you?
CHAN: Uhm… Yeah, okay.
[He lets her in and they go to sit on the couch. Chandler mouths “wow” behind her back]
KTRYN: You said you’re Joey’s best friend, right? Well maybe you could help me understand.
CHAN: Well if you want to understand Joey I hope you have allot of time on your hands.
KTRYN: Well it’s just… We were on a date, right? And everything was going really well until I tried to kiss him. Then he just made some lame excuse and left!
CHAN: Okay. Yeah, I know about that, he told me. And believe me, he feels pretty bad about it.
KTRYN: Then can you tell me why he did that?
CHAN: [thinks] No.
KTRYN: Look, I really like Joey and I think this might go somewhere. But I don’t understand why he got so afraid. Maybe it’s the “just five girlfriends” thing, maybe he’s not all that used to kissing people after just a few dates. It was just our fifth.
CHAN: Well he sure isn’t used to kissing a woman for the first time after five dates. [they rise] Look Kathryn, I promise you I will talk to the insane Italian boy… again.
KTRYN: You think you know what the problem is?
CHAN: Sure. I know EXACTLY what’s going on here!
KTRYN: Great. Nice talking to you. [leaves]
CHAN: [to Monica, who’s exiting the bathroom] What in the name of Ulysses E Grant is going on here?
[Cut to: Central Perk] [Everybody in the gang is there]
RACH: So here’s the deal. To help me, [persuasive] your best and sexiest friend, you all, with the exception for Phoebe, have to pay me $2512 and 50 cents.
MNCA: We ALL?
RACH: Yeah. Oh, except you guys, you can give me a joined check for… [looks at Ross]
ROSS: $5025.
RACH: $5025
MNCA: Forget it. We don’t have that kind of money to loan people left and right. And you know what, Chandler and I are like one, we should only have to pay for one.
ROSS: Which means the rest of us have to cough up $3350.
PHOE: Not me!
ROSS: You not included.
CHAN: Rach, this is insane, why can’t you loan some money from your father? He’s got much more than we do!
RACH: Oh, but whenever Joey’s in need of some money you’re always willing to loan him!
CHAN: Yes, but I like him better… Plus he rarely takes it.
GNDLF: [storms in] Excuse me, but I happen to be annoyed here!
ROSS: What, what is it?
CHAN: You look really upset, man!
GNDLF: [sees Monica, sweetly] Hi.
MNCA: Hi. What’s happened?
ROSS: [sees Gandalf’s weird stare at Monica] Yeah, why don’t you look at ME and tell us?
GNDLF: Your ex-wife has stolen my best jacket while I left it at Chandler’s!
PHOE: Rachel! How could you steal something that’s the wizard’s?
CHAN: Well has our kleptomanian friend ruined it?
RACH: No, but I lent it to her friend who lost it. MNCA: MINE?
RACH: Okay, so I thought it was Chandler’s, but you guys are all “what’s his
is hers”-y…
MNCA: Mike we’re so sorry, Rachel has to replace it.
GNDLF: [lovingly] No that’s okay, I’m not angry…
CHAN: Not angry, you stormed in here looking like someone who’s two minutes
away from a stroke!
GNDLF: [eyes on Monica, lovingly] Oh that has passed…
MNCA: [rises] Well you’re gonna need a jacket. Come along, I think Chandler
has an extra one you can borrow.
GNDLF: [follows her] I’ll borrow whatever you lay in my hands! [They exit]
RACH: Okay, to tell the truth, I didn’t loan it to a friend who lost it, I
sold it to Joan for $500.
ALL: WHAT?
CHAN: You, you sold my jacket to a friend for $500?
RACH: No, it just turned out I sold GANDALF’S jacket for $500.
CHAN: Well you thought it was mine!
RACH: Yeah, well look at it this way, now you won’t have to lend me as much.
ROSS: [sarcasm] Yeah, the great relief of getting to loan you $125 less.
CHAN: No, Monica and I are only paying for one, it’s $166,666666 less… You
can continue on with the sixes for as long as you want.
RACH: [rises] Well I’m gonna go talk to Joan and try to convince her that I
was only RENTING her the jacket.
[Cut to: Joey’s] [Chandler and Joey are there. Monica enters with a bowl of
grapes]
MNCA: Here you go, guys. Found some grapes.
CHAN: Oh, thank you sweetheart.
JOEY: Good, thanks.
MNCA: Chandler your friend Mike is pretty weird… I found one of your oldest
jackets that he could borrow, and, and he looked like I’d just given him a $2500
Armani suit.
CHAN: Yeah, Gandalf’s a bit… easy to please, I guess.
MNCA: Well that’s not all, then he said he was actually glad Rachel lost his
jacket, because otherwise him and I wouldn’t be having as much fun.
JOEY: That is weird.
CHAN: Not to me, I always have fun with Monica. [Monica leaves]
CHAN: So Joey, guess who stopped by earlier?
JOEY: June Clever?
CHAN: No, why would she?
JOEY: I don’t know. You said guess, and I guessed.
CHAN: Well that answer won’t give you $1000. If you’d said Kathryn you would
have gotten to the next money level.
JOEY: Wait, Kathryn stopped by?
CHAN: Yes. She wanted to know why you bailed on her the other night.
JOEY: Women. They want to know everything. Yeah, what your REAL name is, how
many women you’ve slept with, if they were better in bed, if you’ve had any VD…
CHAN: Let’s not get me started on questioning those questions. Look man,
don’t you even know yourself why you ran?
JOEY: No. That’s the problem. See, it’s not that I don’t like her. She’s
great! She’s smart, funny, sexy. AND she used to work as a mechanic, so she’s
got sort of a lovely tomboy touch.
CHAN: Then why did you leave?
JOEY: I don’t know, how many times are you planning on asking that question?
CHAN: Well I just can’t figure this one out. I mean, it sounds like you’re
into this girl.
JOEY: Well I am. I think about her when I wake up in the morning. The only
time that’s ever happened without the woman in question lying next to me was
with Kate.
CHAN: [smiles] Yeah, I take what I said back, I know exactly what’s going on
here.
JOEY: You do? Tell me!
CHAN: You’ve fallen in love with her.
JOEY: I have?
CHAN: Well, let me use the checklist I used on myself when I realized I was
falling madly for Monica, and we can see if I’m right. Do you think about her
when you wake up?
JOEY: Dude, I already told you that I do.
CHAN: Do you think of her right before you go to sleep?
JOEY: Sometimes…
CHAN: Do you count the minutes until you get to see her again?
JOEY: Kinda’.
CHAN: Does a smile from her make you incredibly happy?
JOEY: Yes.
CHAN: I don’t think I have to ask you anything else. You’re in love, pal.
JOEY: Oh… [long pause] Man, I’ve gotta break up with her!
CHAN: What? You can’t do that!
JOEY: Sure I can! It’ll be just fine!
CHAN: No it won’t! Not if you’re in love!
JOEY: Chandler, I’m too afraid! I’m afraid of being in love with her!
CHAN: Okay, let me use a metaphor that sucks, but is the only one I can think
about. Kissing the person you’re in love with for the first time, is, is like
jumping out of a plane.
JOEY: Exactly, you fall down and die.
CHAN: With a PARA SHOOT you idiot! And yes there’s a chance your Para shoot
won’t open and you’ll fall down faster and faster and splatter on the ground
with the blood everywhere and limbs laying all over the place…
JOEY: CHANDLER!
CHAN: Sorry, bad experience with Kathy… But there’s a greater chance your
shoot will open and you’ll fall slowly and softly down to the ground where your
loved one waits with open arms…
JOEY: Wow, that sounds tacky.
CHAN: Maybe so, but it’s absolutely incredible.
JOEY: I’m still too afraid. You don’t understand.
CHAN: Of course I do. I had a thing for Mon before we got together, so I was
kinda’ nervous when we kissed for the first time. But I’m telling you, the first
time she and I kissed after I’d realized I was totally crazy about her was truly
frightening. And truly amazing. You just have to dare, Joe.
JOEY: And if my Para shoot doesn’t open?
CHAN: Then at least you will know. If you don’t kiss her, you just break it
off with her, you’ll never know if you could have been a great, loving couple.
JOEY: Yeah, okay… Can I ask you a question?
CHAN: As if you haven’t already… No wait, I asked the questions earlier.
JOEY: How can it be good to kiss someone when you’re that nervous?
CHAN: I don’t know, it just is. And you’ll share a great one when you first
tell each other you love one and other.
JOEY: Please spare me another “Monica and I” moment.
CHAN: Okay, okay… But you know what the great thing is? The feeling never
goes away. It feels just as wonderful for me to kiss Monica today as it did that
first time after I fell for her… And THAT’S what a real kiss is.
JOEY: Wow… I feel like such a virgin.
CHAN: I know it might seem hard to be in love but it’s worth it.
JOEY: Wow… You know, things were allot easier when I was just a horn dog.
[Cut to: Monica and Chandler’s] [Monica is brushing off the old jacket
Gandalf’s wearing]
MNCA: I’m telling you, you look great.
GNDLF: Tell me again.
CHAN: [enters] Hello, my dear fellow Pleasantville residents.
MNCA: Oh hi dear.
[Gandalf goes to sit by the coffee table, looking at Monica the whole time
and nearly falling over the coffee table. Chandler wraps his arms around
Monica’s waist]
CHAN: You know, Joey and I were just talking about kissing someone you love,
and it got me in the mood for a little lip-locking…
MNCA: Sounds great…
[They kiss. Gandalf recoils and shields his eyes with his hands]
[Cut to: Joey’s] [Joey’s opening the door for Kathryn]
JOEY: Come on in.
KTRYN: Thank you, Joey. I’m so glad you called.
JOEY: Uh, so am I…
[They sit on the couch. There’s a few seconds of awkward silence]
JOEY: Look Kathryn, I’m sorry about running out on you like that before… I
just… I’d eaten garlic.
KTRYN: Well I could say that it’s okay, but I must admit I wondered some over
it… You know, if it’s me, if I’m the problem.
JOEY: No, no Kathryn it’s definitely not you. It’s just… Well, I happen to be
REALLY afraid of sky diving.
KTRYN: [confused] Okay… Okay, that sounds like a reason…
JOEY: And well… I’ve kinda gotten to thinking… Chandler came over and talked
some sense into me, so I promise that will NEVER happen again… I think.
KTRYN: I must say that’s nice to hear.
JOEY: So… Uhm, where were we? [They move closer, as if to kiss. Then Joey
recoils]
JOEY: I don’t have any Eagle-Eye Cherry music.
KTRYN: That’s okay.
[They move closer to kiss again. A song by… you’ll never guess… Eagle-Eye
Cherry plays in the background. It’s “Save Tonight” (okay, I know it’s not the
best song for the situation, but I only know that one and “Falling in Love
Again” and “When Mermaids Cry”). Joey and Kathryn kiss as the screen fades to
black]
[Closing Credits] [Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Everyone’s there except for
Joey. Gandalf is also there, watching Monica]
RACH: Well, I called my dad.
MNCA: Will he loan you the money?
RACH: Yeah. If I promise to let Jill come and stay with me for a few days.
CHAN: Rachel your sister is a grown woman, it’s not like she needs a
babysitter.
RACH: We can discuss that for hours, BELIEVE me.
ROSS: So we won’t have to loan you any money?
RACH: You’re gonna have to do that, ‘cause I don’t want Jill to come over.
[The others hit her with pillows and voice their protests] The end!