[Opening Scene] [Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. All present but Phoebe, who enters]
PHOE: Hey.
JOEY: Hey. Phoebes, what would be a good job for me?
PHOE: Uhm… [thinks] Landlord.
JOEY: Okay, let me put it this way. What would be a good job for me, a person who doesn’t own an apartment building?
PHOE: [thinks] Superintendent.
MNCA: [confused] Joey, I thought you said you had an audition next week.
JOEY: Yeah, I did, but it turns out they were looking for a guy to play Rocky’s younger cousin in a play and I don’t feel like getting beaten up.
RACH: [sarcasm] Did Edward Norton tell you that?
MNCA: Who said Rocky’s younger cousin gets beaten up?
JOEY: Well, no one, but the play’s called “The Slaughter of Rocky’s Cousin”, so I had a pretty good idea.
CHAN: Quick question, who would go to the movies to see something like that?
ROSS: No one, Joey just said it was a play.
CHAN: I know, but I’m talking Box-office here.
JOEY: Oh, speaking of movies, I was thinking that if they ever make a “Titanic 2” then I should try and get the role as Leonardo DiCaprio’s friend.
CHAN: You mean the one who DIED?
JOEY: No, not the Irish one, the ITALIAN friend.
CHAN: Who also dies.
[Opening Credits] [Scene: Central Perk. Everybody’s there. Joey and Ross are reading the classifieds, Rachel and Monica are talking in the background and Chandler and Phoebe are by the counter]
PHOE: You know what I just realized?
CHAN: That the sun does in fact not circle around earth?
PHOE: Yeah, you can say what you want, I still think the sun circles the earth and not the other way around.
CHAN: Okay. Then let’s never discuss this again, you and I. So what was it that you realized?
PHOE: That you’re missing a part of your middle finger and a part of a toe on your right foot, plus, you had a third nipple. How does it feel to be deformed?
[Chandler avoids answering, makes a face and goes over to the couch]
JOEY: I don’t believe this, for almost every job here you have to have, like, a Yale diploma.
ROSS: Actually, this job as a bartender right here only requires a boy scout diploma.
JOEY: Hey Chandler, can I have one of yours?
CHAN: [sits] Looking through the “blassifieds” again? [chuckles at his joke]
JOEY: The what?
CHAN: The blassifieds. The blassified ads.
JOEY: Still not following ya’.
CHAN: It’s from the Python gang.
JOEY: Oh. Hey, you know what, if they ever decide to make a movie about them then I could play John Cleese!
CHAN: You don’t think John Cleese would do a better job than you with that?
JOEY: Only if he thinks he can outshine my talent as an actor.
CHAN: Compare your careers and you’ll see that the answer is a screaming yes.
JOEY: [to Ross] Hey, do you think I could land the role as Michael Palin?
[Chandler moves from the chair to the couch and sits with Monica. Phoebe comes over and sits where Chandler just sat]
CHAN: [whiney] Monica, Phoebe just called me a deform.
PHOE: [grasps] I can’t believe you told!
MNCA: [breaking from her conversation with Rachel] Sorry, what?
CHAN: Did you just hear what I said?
PHOE: If you didn’t you should know that Chandler’s just trying to make me look bad.
MNCA: [to Chandler, jokingly overly dramatic] I’m sorry honey, what did Phoebe do?
CHAN: [annoyed] Loose that phoney-caring voice. [whiney] She called me a deform.
PHOE: [accusingly] You did it again!
MNCA: [feigned anger, to Phoebe] Bad Phoebe. [to Chandler, feigned overly caring] All better now, pumpkin?
CHAN: How come you don’t love me?
MNCA: How come I can’t talk to Rachel? [goes back to talking to her]
CHAN: [to Phoebe] Okay, so you won THIS round.
JOEY: Guys, check this out, they’re looking for a person to test new cosmetic products.
RACH: [snatches paper] Give me that!
ROSS: Sorry Rach, you’re too old. It says sixteen to twenty-eight.
RACH: I’m twenty-eight.
MNCA: And twenty-eight months.
JOEY: I guess this means I’m too old as well. Too bad, I would enjoy trying out some new cosmetics.
CHAN: Joey, are you aware that you’re not a woman?
JOEY: I wasn’t gonna WEAR it. Free cosmetics saves me allot of money buying gifts to women I sleep with.
CHAN: You’d still have to wear it.
ROSS: [points to something] Oh here’s an idea, they need a new waiter at Denny’s.
JOEY: I’m not gonna wait tables. I’m to good for that.
RACH: Should I take that as a negative remark?
JOEY: Well we all know I suck at it. Seriously, could you see me in one of those stupid outfits they make their employees wear?
MNCA: [laughs] No, but I’d be sure to bring a camera the first time I visited you at work!
JOEY: [to Ross] Do the people who work at Denny’s even HAVE uniforms?
ROSS: How the hell should I know, I’ve never even BEEN there.
PHOE: Seriously, you know what you should do? You should try and coach some other young actors trying to get into the business. Just think of what a great job you did with that kid in that class you taught. Isn’t this his third year in “All my Children”?
JOEY: No, I think the part was for “The Young and the Restless”.
MNCA: I think not.
RACH: Monica is right, it was TOTALLY for “Melrose Place”.
CHAN: Anyway, I think Phoebe’s got a great idea there. You can get a chance to give some young actors a few helpful tips.
JOEY: [sarcasm] Yeah, ‘cause THAT’S what I need. Competition.
MNCA: Correct me if I’m wrong, but how is a bunch of actors in their early twenties going to be a threat to you? You don’t even get offered the same parts as people who are, like, twenty or so.
JOEY: Maybe I could stick to teaching women.
PHOE: No, Joey you are NOT gonna use my helpful tips just to get your little general to work!
JOEY: Geez, relax Phoebs. I heard you the first time.
PHOE: That WAS the first time.
JOEY: And now I’ve heard.
[Cut to: Chandler and Monica’s] [Chandler and Monica are watching a movie with Joey]
JOEY: [points something out] See that? Now tell me that actress couldn’t use a little Joey-help.
CHAN: It’s “Pocahontas”.
JOEY: Yeah. I mean, look at that Indian girl. She doesn’t even look like she’s an Indian!
MNCA: She’s a cartoon, Joe.
JOEY: Fine, gang up on me.
PHOE: [enters] Hi.
CHAN/MNCA: Hi.
JOEY: [grumpy] I would say hi, but then Chandler and Monica would start complaining.
MNCA: Trust me, if you say what you just said then I’ll complain as well.
PHOE: How come you’re watching Disney?
CHAN: Joey needed to watch something where the actors did a worse job than HE usually does.
PHOE: But it’s a Disney film. All the actors have to do is talk.
CHAN: [feigned upset] And they call themselves actors!? Shame on Mel Gibson!
PHOE: No, but I mean, isn’t, like, body language and stuff like that important too?
CHAN: Hopefully not, or Joey’s got trouble.
MNCA: You wanna sit, Phoebs?
PHOE: No. [sits] But I would like to know why you didn’t decide to watch, like, “The Rescuers”.
CHAN: Because Joey didn’t have that one, he only has “Pocahontas”, “Sleeping Beauty”, “Cinderella” and [to Monica] which was it again?
MNCA: “Bambi”.
CHAN: “Bambi”, that’s right.
PHOE: [to Joey, containing laughter] Wow, all manly films for you, huh?
JOEY: It so happens that “Bambi” was Disney’s favourite.
PHOE: And it so happens that “Sleeping Beauty” was NOT.
ROSS: [enters] Hey.
PHOE: Hey. Ross, Joey has got a bunch of girly movies.
ROSS: What, you mean his collection of Julia Roberts films?
PHOE: No, but I am DEFINETLY gonna mock him for that later on!
CHAN: She’s talking about the animated films.
ROSS: Oh. Okay. By the way Joey, if you still need a job then I’ve got one for you. There’s a lack of tour guides at the museum, and since you’ve done it before I was thinking that maybe you’d like to do it again.
JOEY: Sure. As long as it puts money in the Joey pocket.
MNCA: [feigned worry] Oh, you’ve gotta be careful though, ‘cause remember, Donald Trumph wants his blue blazer black. [All except Chandler laugh at the joke]
ROSS: [to Joey] Okay, and you can start by tomorrow.
JOEY: That soon? I need to rotate my hours back first.
CHAN: Told ya’ it was a bad idea to sleep from 4AM till 1PM.
JOEY: It so happens that I get allot of useful sleep during those hours.
MNCA: I think you’d sleep better if you went to sleep when the sun was still down.
ROSS: Okay, so this flipping back hours thing is gonna take you what, two days?
JOEY: Try two weeks.
ROSS: In two weeks time the job will be taken.
CHAN: Why don’t you just call him up real early and wake him up?
MNCA: Hon, he’s just gonna go back to sleep.
CHAN: Okay… okay, then after you’ve called him, go by to pick him up.
JOEY: Why can’t you make sure I get up?
CHAN: [feigned seriousness] I don’t know if you’ve heard yet, but I’ve moved out, man.
JOEY: It’s not that far away.
MNCA: Yeah, but he will wake ME up when he goes over to wake YOU.
ROSS: Mon, since when do you sleep ‘till it’s past eight on a week day?
MNCA: I don’t, but do you have any idea how early Chandler will have to get up to have Joey ready by eight?
CHAN: Probably about ½hour before I go to sleep.
JOEY: Seriously, it does NOT take me several hours to get dressed and ready.
CHAN: [sarcasm] Gee, that explains why you need two weeks to wake up at eight, doesn’t it?
PHOE: Shh! Guys, you’re talking too loud! This is the part where Pocahontas sings about the colours of the wind!
ROSS: [scoffs] Pah.
PHOE: Excuse me?
CHAN: [to Monica] This could get ugly.
MNCA: Should we get the water hose?
CHAN: Do we actually HAVE one?
JOEY: Be quiet, I don’t want to miss what’s coming next.
PHOE: So, Ross, could you explain please what is so wrong with showing a little consideration for nature?
ROSS: It’s not THAT, it’s just that… well this musical sequence is totally unrealistic!
CHAN: [sarcasm] Yeah, and we all know how realistic it was when the Genie told Aladdin about his powers.
JOEY: Chandler, I told you to shut up.
PHOE: Okay, so Ross, [pauses the video] how come you don’t like the sequence?
CHAN: She is your judge, your prosecutor, your jury and your hangman.
MNCA: I agree with Joey, you shut up.
ROSS: [to Phoebe] Well, I mean just LOOK at it. One second they’re at the corn fields, the next they’re under water for, like, ever, then they’re holding eagles and then walking on a cliff. That makes no sense.
PHOE: There’s something called imagination, Ross.
ROSS: [mocking her tone] There’s something called reality, Phoebs.
MNCA: Okay, cut it out, could we please watch the rest of the movie? And by the way, you can quit behaving like a bunch of children, it’s enough that Chandler does.
CHAN: Okay, I don’t wanna SIT with you anymore. [moves away]
[Cut to: Central Perk] [Chandler and Monica enter, Chandler looking angry]
MNCA: [sighs] No, I’ve told you already, I do NOT think you act childish all the time.
CHAN: [annoyed] Then why did you say it? For the laughs? So they could laugh at me?
MNCA: [they both sit] Oh come on Chandler, you know I would never do that to you. YOU, on the other hand, you seem to enjoy doing it to ME.
CHAN: [lame] Well I just don’t want the others to think I favouritise you, now that we’re going out.
MNCA: I don’t mind if they do. And favouritise is not a word. And by the way, you DO act childish every once in a while.
CHAN: [sarcasm] Yeah, and YOU don’t.
MNCA: Well, at least I don’t want to go straight to Toys ‘R Us when we’re out shopping.
CHAN: Hey, that happened ONE time.
MNCA: Yeah, THIS week.
CHAN: And besides, it’s not like you don’t enjoy being there.
MNCA: [sarcasm] Sure, seeing a bunch of annoyingly happy mothers with annoyingly happy kids make me feel SO happy. [serious] Did you know the clerk with the brown hair asked me when I was expecting my child?
CHAN: Oh, come on, you HAVEN’T gotten fatter.
MNCA: [dry] I didn’t say that either. She thinks I’m having a baby, since my boyfriend drags me in the store every once in a while.
RACH: [enters] Hey you guys.
CHAN: Beat it, we’re fighting. [Rachel turns and leaves]
MNCA: We’re not fighting.
CHAN: I know, but I felt like I didn’t want anybody else here.
GUNTHER: [by the counter] Just because of that, I’m not serving you anything.
MNCA: [confused] Okay, but could _I_ please have two cups of latte?
CHAN: What do you need two cups of coffee for? Have you decided to have Joey up and dressed by noon, or something?
MNCA: No.
CHAN: And why did you order latte, you NEVER drink latte.
MNCA: [sarcasm] Because that way it takes longer for me to drink it all.
CHAN: Anyway, I am still not childish.
MNCA: I think the fact that you WON’T DROP the SUBJECT tells a whole different story.
GUNTHER: [leaving her the coffee] Here you go. Go easy on the caffeine.
MNCA: I will. Thank you. [hands Chandler one of the cups] Here you go, honey.
GUNTHER: You couldn’t at least have waited ‘till I got to the counter?
MNCA: No. This’ll teach you to refuse my boyfriend.
CHAN: [uncomfortable] Uh, honey, if people overheard that neither one of us would come off very well.
MNCA: Hey, Gunther, could I have a biscuit too?
GUNTHER: You’re not gonna give it to HIM, are you?
MNCA: No.
CHAN: By the way, thanks for ordering the coffee. I like latte.
MNCA: Why did you think I ordered it?
CHAN: So it would last longer.
PHOE: [enters] You guys, check this out. [sits] I’ve never been much of a believer in any of the greater world religions.
CHAN: Now, wait a minute, don’t forget about that week in July three years ago when you did nothing but talk about the wonder that was Buddha.
PHOE: Well, EXCEPT for that.
MNCA: Or the week last year when you went out to buy an airplane ticket to Mecca.
PHOE: Could you please not talk when I talk? Okay, good. I have been to church this afternoon.
CHAN: Church? I thought you said that the house of God should only be visited if you believed in him, what happened?
MNCA: Is this your Christian week?
PHOE: No. Anyway, so I was there and I had a blast!
CHAN: I don’t think I’ve ever had a blast in the church, I mostly just sit and listen to the priest.
PHOE: Obviously you’ve been a Christian the wrong way.
MNCA: There’s more than one way?
PHOE: Duh. Haven’t you ever heard of Martin Luther?
CHAN: Wait, the one who had a dream, or the one who didn’t?
PHOE: Didn’t. Although I don’t think it’s very fare to say that.
MNCA: Whatever, just get to the point.
PHOE: Okay, so the point is… [pause] I have TOTALLY forgotten what the point is.
[Commercial Break] [Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. They’re the only ones who aren’t there. Phoebe’s telling the others about her day]
PHOE: And then I tried to tell them what the point was, but by that time I’d already forgotten.
JOEY: So what WAS the point?
PHOE: Still haven’t remembered.
[Chandler and Monica enter, looking slightly surprised to see them all there]
CHAN: Hey, hey, look at all these people who don’t live here… what are THEY doing here? [pause] See, this is the part where you explain it.
PHOE: Oh, yeah I don’t know. [Chandler gives the others questioned looks]
RACH: Haven’t got a clue.
JOEY: Just following the stream…
ROSS: I actually don’t know either.
MNCA: Well, everybody who doesn’t know, get out of here. [They all mutter and rise]
JOEY: Hey Mon, why are you YOURSELF here?
MNCA: Read the door Joey, what does it say?
JOEY: Uh, Geller-Bing?
MNCA: Exactly, now move it or loose it. [The others enter the hall]
ROSS: Geez, I think you need to calm it down, guys.
RACH: Oh, they’re probably just gonna fight, like they did down at Central Perk.
PHOE: They weren’t fighting at Central Perk. Well, with GUNTHER, but not with each other.
RACH: What, wait a minute! [She turns to ask Chandler why he said they were fighting. Chandler demonstratingly closes the door in front of her face]
JOEY: That ought to teach you.
RACH: Teach me what?
JOEY: I don’t know, it just… felt like a good time to say that…
[Cut to: Central Perk] [It’s later that evening. Ross and Joey are playing poker]
JOEY: Okay. I bet the check we’ll get.
ROSS: I see you with that… and I raise you to put up one more cup of coffee on it.
JOEY: Oh, so you’re cranking it up a notch? I’m there. How many cards? [takes two himself]
GUNTHER: [walks by] Actually, guys, you’re not supposed to play poker here, especially not if you bet stuff.
JOEY: But betting is the entire purpose of the game! How come we can’t play poker here?
GUNTHER: ‘Cause it’s inappropriate. Or illegal. Or both, I just can’t seem to remember. [to Ross] Throw away the jacks, go with the ace, two, three you have in clubs.
ROSS: Thanks. [Gunther walks behind the counter. Phoebe enters]
PHOE: You guys, guess what?
JOEY: Phoebs, Chandler’s not here, you don’t have to say that kind of stuff.
PHOE: Well guess where I just came from?
JOEY: Bedroom?
PHOE: No.
JOEY: A sexual encounter?
PHOE: No.
JOEY: Oh! A strip club?
PHOE: And Ross, where do YOU guess?
ROSS: The museum?
PHOE: As if. No, I’ve been to church!
JOEY: Church? I thought you said only a true believer can enter the house of God.
PHOE: Oh I’m a believer. You just watch me believe.
JOEY: Can I eat my cookie while I watch? ROSS: So why’d you go to the church Phoebs?
PHOE: Well, I sang.
ROSS: [uncomfortable] Uhm, Phoebs, are you really sure your type of music would fit in a church?
PHOE: No I didn’t play MY music. [thinks] Although maybe I should talk to the priest about entering “Smelly Cat” to the psalm book. Anyway, I sang gospel.
JOEY: Gospel?
PHOE: Yeah.
JOEY: YOU?
PHOE: Uh-hu.
JOEY: YOU sang GOSPEL?
PHOE: Yeah! It was REALLY cool.
ROSS: YOU?
PHOE: [rises] Okay, I’ve gotta find Monica and Rachel to tell them the cool news, you know where they are?
ROSS: My sister is with Chandler upstairs. And who knows where Rachel is?
JOEY: Why don’t you go out and look for her?
PHOE: Okay! [leaves]
ROSS: Phoebe sang GOSPEL? [Rachel comes up to them, coming from the bathroom]
RACH: Hey. So what did I miss? ROSS: You missed us saving your life.
JOEY: Yeah, you owe us BIG TIME!
RACH: [confused] Okay… okay, I see you guys need some sort of help. [off their looks] Well I’m sorry, but I didn’t exactly notice that the aliens nearly took over the planet, you know!
JOEY: It’s Phoebe, she’s got some exiting news.
RACH: But I thought she already knew you don’t shake your hands with the left one when you accept the Nobel price.
ROSS: Not THAT. We’ve never even TALKED about something like that when she’s been around.
RACH: Yeah, I know… I was just trying to see if I could do one of those cool “just-saying-something-and-it-turns-out-it-was-right” thing, like Phoebs and Mon do all the time.
JOEY: [sadly shaking his head] Face it Rach, your female intuition just doesn’t make the cut…
[Rachel makes a face and gives him the double fist-knock]
ROSS: Actually, I’m kinda’ concerned about Phoebs. I mean, she was acting… I don’t know… kinda’ wired…
JOEY: She mostly does.
ROSS: No, I mean it was almost as if she… I don’t know… well, she did something that just wasn’t like her.
RACH: What, she said she didn’t believe in horoscopes?
ROSS: No.
JOEY: Ross come on. You’re not suggesting she was high on something, do you? ROSS: What? No.
JOEY: Good. ‘Cause if I know Phoebs as well as I think I do, she could barely even sniff snow.
ROSS: Look I think we’ve let this conversation get to a very weird place, okay?
RACH: So, what was the weird thing?
ROSS: Oh don’t worry, she’s out searching for you so she can tell you. If I were you, I’d buy myself a plane ticket to Finland and go pack.
RACH: Oh.
JOEY: Come on now, guys… Phoebs is our friend… even though she’s gone mentally instable, we still should stick by her.
ROSS: And you call it sticking by her, to say that she’s mentally unstable?
[Joey shrugs his shoulders]
[Cut to: Chandler and Monica’s] [Chandler and Monica enter with laundry, apparently discussing something. Chandler’s got a white hamper, Monica a blue]
CHAN: And for the record, I think that was a really CHEAP way to say it in!
MNCA: [closing the door behind him] Would you let it GO? So I called you childish, big deal. You’ve been obsessing about it ever since we went to the coffeehouse.
CHAN: Excuse me? I have not been obsessing! And by the way, how could you possibly know weather or not it’s a big deal to me?
MNCA: [sarcasm] I don’t know. [serious] Maybe because you’ve TOLD me about ten times.
CHAN: Oh yeah? When?
MNCA: Well, you haven’t stopped talking about this since we came back, I’ve listened to this while I’ve gathered the laundry, while we went down to the Laundromat, while we were DOING the laundry…
CHAN: [sentimental] I remember when “doing laundry” meant so much more than just doing laundry.
MNCA: Focus please? Anyway, as I said, then I listened to it while I was putting clothes in the dryer and waiting for the clothes to dry… oh, and all the way home and now that we ARE home you STILL won’t shut up. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve said more than five phrases these past three hours. “Right, honey”, “sure, honey”, “Chandler please be quiet”, “We’ll discuss it later, dear” and “hand me the fabric softener”.
CHAN: Well you’re just paying for what you said, Mon.
MNCA: Oh, and you don’t think THAT is childish? [mocking fear] Oh no! Now he’s gonna punish me for another three hours! Help!
CHAN: Is this all a big joke to you?
MNCA: Three hours, Chandler. Three HOURS. After three hours, you HAVE to start thinking of it as a joke!
CHAN: [grumpy] Thanks.
MNCA: I’m telling ya’, laundry has NEVER seemed to take such long time before.
CHAN: And you don’t think that has anything to do with the fact that you washed Joey’s clothes as well?
MNCA: [starts taking up clothes from the blue hamper] Did not.
CHAN: Yes you did, the stuff in the blue hamper was left there by Joey the last time he came over.
MNCA: What? [looks at the boxers she just took up from the hamper] Eww! [she throws them away]
CHAN: And that’s one of the other ways me and the overlords are punishing you in.
MNCA: Oh, so it’s thumbscrews next, then?
CHAN: [sarcasm] Aren’t I lucky to have a girlfriend with humour?
MNCA: [warningly] Hey, I have NO problem picking up those boxers and shoving them in your mouth.
CHAN: Gross.
MNCA: So shut up.
CHAN: And THAT’S not childish?
MNCA: Could we PLEASE not DISCUSS this anymore? My ears are about to start BLEEDING, after being fed all of that crap!
CHAN: [grumpy] So you think all that I say is crap.
MNCA: No. I didn’t say that. But today, you haven’t said much that wasn’t crap. [pause, looks down] How come I’m still folding Joey’s laundry?
CHAN: Could we stop caring about the stupid laundry for a second?
MNCA: [gestures to a pair of boxers] I KNEW these weren’t your underwear… I saw it when we were doing the laundry but I didn’t want to say anything in case you’d think I was cheating.
CHAN: Monica?
MNCA: And if you ramble this long about something so irrelevant, then just imagine how long you would go on and on about THAT!
CHAN: [firm] MONICA!
MNCA: Sorry, what did you say?
CHAN: I suggested we’d quit talking about the damn laundry for a second! And to just stay focused on what we’re ACTUALLY discussing!
MNCA: You know, it makes perfect sense to me that you would say that. Sine you NEVER help me out with anything in the apartment.
CHAN: THIS is how you stay focused on the subject?
MNCA: [smiles] Chandler, I’ve listened to your ramble for three hours, remember? I think I’ve stayed focused a surprisingly long time.
CHAN: Then you can focus for another ten minutes.
MNCA: [smiles] Absolutely. [She takes the white hamper and goes over to the bedroom]
CHAN: Wait a minute… [He follows her and drags her back into the living room]
MNCA: What’s going on here?
CHAN: We’re not finished talking!
MNCA: So why couldn’t we talk in the bedroom?
CHAN: Hey, we don’t KNOW what words are gonna be said between us… you know? And, and if this, if this turns into, like, a big fight or something, I just don’t want that to happen in the room where we SLEEP.
MNCA: Oh.
CHAN: Oh, and PLEASE tell me you’re not gonna say [mocking] “that is childish”.
MNCA: No. No… actually, I was gonna say that it was sweet.
CHAN: Now you’re talking… And while you’re in that mood, is there anything else positive you want to say about me?
MNCA: Yeah. That aftershave smells great. [She goes over to the kitchen table. Chandler smells his aftershave, looks slightly confused and then follows]
CHAN: And why do you keep moving around?
MNCA: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had problems fighting in the kitchen as well.
CHAN: No, it’s not that. I don’t care weather or not we fight in here.
MNCA: [testy] Oh, is that so? Why not?
CHAN: Well, you know… it’s different with the bedroom.
MNCA: [pause] I’m waiting for you to fill me in.
CHAN: Well, see, ‘cause the bedroom is where we… you know.
MNCA: Well, we “you know” allot out here too.
CHAN: [trying to explain] That’s not the same thing, it’s… bigger in here… not as intimate…
MNCA: Chandler. You’re nuts.
CHAN: Well I-- [catches himself, annoyed] Hey, how come all of a sudden I’M defending myself, YOU should be searching for explanations.
MNCA: I should?
CHAN: You know… for the whole CHILDISH thing!
MNCA: [fed-up] Oh my gosh, CHANDLER! Let it GO!
CHAN: I CAN’T let it go! My girlfriend thinks I’m a big baby!
MNCA: I never said that.
CHAN: Well isn’t that the same as being childish?
MNCA: Of COURSE not! Chandler--
CHAN: I don’t want to hear it, it’s probably just another monologue that’s gonna make me feel bad about myself.
MNCA: I make you feel bad about yourself?
CHAN: Well, yeah… kinda’… sometimes…
MNCA: Oh my gosh, honey that is so, so bad, I mean… I am so sorry!
CHAN: That’s okay.
MNCA: Well I’m sorry anyway. I shouldn’t say things that make you feel that way, YOU would never say such things.
CHAN: That’s not true, I say them all the time to Joey.
MNCA: But I mean to ME.
CHAN: Oh. Wait a minute, how come THAT is something you’re really sorry for, and the whole childish thing is something that you just dismiss without a second thought?
MNCA: Honey, I don’t think that it’s such a bad thing to call somebody childish, I think it’s allot worse to say things that makes your loved one feel bad.
CHAN: When you say it like that it doesn’t sound as bad… but I’m still upset about that.
MNCA: But WHY?
CHAN: Monica, I’m not sure that you get it! All my life I’ve always been called childish and, and immature. And I just thought that you were the person who didn’t see me as a big kid.
MNCA: I don’t see you as a big kid. I just think you’re a bit childish at times, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. I would NEVER want to have another boyfriend who didn’t have any contact with his… inner child, as Phoebe calls it.
CHAN: Really?
MNCA: Chandler honey, listen… [wraps her arms around his neck] Do you know how a child is? I don’t mean anything BAD when I call you childish… Children are so pure… so unblemished. They say and do whatever they want, they’re so honest. That’s how I mean. And you, you are so VERY childish. And that’s one of the most beautiful things you can be. Childish.
CHAN: Oh… I love you even more now… [kisses her lovingly] So do you wanna… “you know”, huh?
MNCA: Yeah… that could be nice…
CHAN: [leads her to the couch] Come here… I’ll show you what other great talents I have but the childishness. [Monica laughs and they start to make out on the couch]
[Closing Credits] [Scene: A church, somewhere in New York City. A gospel choir is singing “This Little Light of Mine”. Phoebe’s also there, singing with them. All of a sudden, she starts singing her own little solo-number. “This Smelly Cat of Mine”. She stops when she notices everyone’s looking at her]
PHOE: What, I can’t have a little artistic freedom? Come on, let’s rock this joint! [Quick cut to: Central Perk, everybody’s there] PHOE: And then they threw me out. The end!