[Opening Scene] [Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica’s on the couch. Chandler’s lying on the couch with his head in her lap]
CHAN: You probably think I’m just old garbage.
MNCA: No, ‘cause YOU’RE the one who thinks I’M old garbage.
[The camera cuts to the hallway. Joey comes walking up the stairs and starts to open the door to C&M’s apartment. He stops when he hears them]
CHAN: [voice-over, from inside the apartment] But you think I’m really low dirt.
MNCA: [voice-over, from inside the apartment] No, you think I’m even more garbage-y.
[The camera cuts back into the apartment]
CHAN: But you want to throw me away ‘cause I’m the most garbage like person ever.
MNCA: NEVER! But you wanna wash me down the drain ‘cause I’m so useless.
[The camera cuts back out to Joey, who closes the door]
JOEY: I can’t take much more of this!
[Opening Credits] [Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Everybody’s there. Rachel’s on the floor, Phoebe’s in the white armchair and Ross isn’t sitting anywhere. Chandler and Joey are on the couch and Monica comes to sit with them. Joey rises]
JOEY: Nuh-uh, no way I’m sitting next to you two!
CHAN: [to Monica] Did we miss something?
MNCA: We must have. [rises again]
JOEY: What, is this funny to you Monica?
ROSS: [sits on the couch, to Rachel and Phoebe] I can’t believe you guys have got watering damage.
PHOE: Yeah, we forgot to turn off the water when we were washing clothes in the tub.
CHAN: Why were you washing clothes in the tub?
PHOE: I don’t know… To save money.
CHAN: [sarcasm] Yeah, and figuring what this repairing is gonna cost you, you sure managed to do that.
RACH: Oh, by the way, I was wondering if I could ask a favour of you guys.
CHAN: What guys?
RACH: YOU guys.
CHAN: What “we” guys?
RACH: You and Monica.
CHAN: Monica? Come over here, Rachel wants a favour.
RACH: Yeah, I was wondering, since you two are so generous and giving… would you mind if I staid here for a while? Just for when they’re fixing the watering damage.
MNCA: But why can’t you stay at your place? There’s nothing wrong with the rest of the apartment.
RACH: Hello? What is the room we’ll have problems accessing? The room where the damage is. Where is the damage? In the bathroom. What is the most important room? The bathroom.
JOEY: I so agree on that. RACH: Really?
CHAN: [explaining] But for totally different reasons.
MNCA: Well, sure, I mean it’s fine by me that you stay here. [glares at Chandler] At least you pay for your food.
CHAN: Oh, knock that off. ROSS: Oh hey, you’ll never guess what.
CHAN: Probably not.
ROSS: I’ve got a date tonight.
RACH: You’re right, none of us would have guessed that.
JOEY: So who’s the date with?
ROSS: Oh, you might know her, her name’s Caitlin.
CHAN: Caitlin? You mean pizza-delivery-girl-that-you-talked-to-about-which-gas-smell Caitlin?
ROSS: Uh, yeah.
MNCA: But Ross, you got her number almost a YEAR ago.
ROSS: I know. But I’ve had other things going on during this year.
RACH: Oh yeah? Like what?
ROSS: [feigned ignorance] Hm, I don’t know, wife number three.
RACH: Well ASIDE from that?
ROSS: Uh, I don’t know, Heather? Oh, or Elizabeth?
RACH: Oh those are just names.
ROSS: How about Jill?
JOEY: How about you two shutting up and leaving the cheap punches to the ring?
CHAN: So where are you taking her? [Monica sits down next to him and gives him a kiss. He kisses her back, and they start to kiss more deeply]
ROSS: Well, I was thinking of taking her out to pizza. [laughs at his own joke]
JOEY: If you want to, I have a coupon at Chuck E’ Cheese. ROSS: No thanks Joey, I was only kidding.
JOEY: Oh. That WOULD explain why you were the only one laughing.
ROSS: Anyway, I’m gonna take Caitlin out to have Chinese food.
PHOE: [watching Chandler and Monica] Awww.
[Cut to: Later] [And it’s quite some time later. Rachel is cooking dinner by the stove and it’s gotten dark out. Chandler and Monica are still kissing. Phoebe’s still in the armchair, watching them]
PHOE: Okay, this isn’t “awww” anymore. [rises]
JOEY: Uh, Rach, you don’t think you’d let me or Mon do the cooking? I mean…
RACH: Oh please, Joey there’s SUPPOSED to be beef in this!
JOEY: Yeah, but not bananas! Fine, have it your way. I’m just gonna call for a pizza.
PHOE: So Rachel, how many days will you be living here?
RACH: Oh, I was thinking until Monica and Chandler throw me out.
PHOE: Do you not want to live with me?
RACH: No, Phoebs it’s not YOU, it’s… everything around you,
PHOE: Like what?
RACH: Well… For starters you don’t buy clothes that I’d want to borrow…
ROSS: [eying Chandler and Monica] Are you guys trying to prove a point?
JOEY: If we go get a camera, we can film our very own “Americas Funnies Playboy Video”.
ROSS: I don’t think it’s funny, I just think it’s annoying.
JOEY: Wait ‘till you have to listen to what comes next. [picks up the phone, dials]
ROSS: Oh, make sure you call Caitlin’s pizza place.
JOEY: Why hers?
ROSS: I don’t know, she’s a possible girlfriend. That means she can get us free pizza. And it also means you’re gonna have to support her pizza place, I mean what if she works on commission? [carefully glances at Chandler, pause, to Joey] Okay, something’s wrong, he should have made a joke by now.
JOEY: He is, only he’s doing it the CHÜD* way.
[*To those of you who haven’t read Stephen King’s “It”. Chüd is what they use to defeat It and it’s kinda’ weird… you chew up some of your opponent’s tongue (and s/he does the same to you) and start telling each other jokes. Although it’s pretty much metaphorically]
RACH: Hey Joey? Uhm, do you know if a dash is about as much as a table spoon or about as much as a coffee cup?
JOEY: What do you mean, a dash is a dash.
RACH: Yes, but I need it more exactly.
JOEY: Okay… It’s exactly a dash.
RACH: [sarcasm] Great Joe, big help.
JOEY: Anytime. [He starts to dial again, and talks in the background. Rachel goes back to the kitchen]
PHOE: So what else is it that makes you not want to live with me?
RACH: Oh come on, Phoebe.
PHOE: No, I want to know.
RACH: Well… You run weird.
JOEY: [hangs up] Okay, one pepperoni pizza is on it’s way to please Joey’s stomach. [Ross and Joey both glance over at Chandler, waiting for a sarcastic remark. Chandler doesn’t say a thing, still kissing Monica]
ROSS: This just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Hey Chandler, Joey and I have decided to form a magic duo.
JOEY: Yeah. We’re gonna call it “SigJoe and Ross”. [Chandler lifts his right hand and says something in sign language]
ROSS: [reading the sign language] Ha, ha, ha.
JOEY: What, what did he say? Something funny?
ROSS: No. He said “ha, ha, ha”.
JOEY: I thought that was funny. [Chandler says something again in sign language]
JOEY: What did he say now? ROSS: He said that you also thought it was funny when Hong Kong became a part of China, in 1997.
JOEY: [chuckles] I know. [He goes over to Rachel and Phoebe by the stove. He grabs a carrot that Rachel’s been peeling and starts to eat]
RACH: Joey! It took me forever to peel that carrot!
PHOE: Well, when you live with ME you don’t HAVE to peel carrots, ‘cause I’ll be peeling them FOR you.
JOEY: Hey, cool, I’LL come live with ya’, Phoebs.
PHOE: I’m glad SOMEONE’S on my side. [Joey goes back over to Ross, who’s by the couch]
ROSS: You know, I was thinking, if Columbus hadn’t discovered America, who would have?
JOEY: Uh, don’t know, but I think Chandler has an idea. [Chandler is saying something in sign language, again. Then Monica lifts her left hand and says something too]
JOEY: And his idea was… ?
ROSS: Nothing, he told me to stop asking stupid questions. And then Monica told him to quit talking so much.
JOEY: Cool, I didn’t see Monica saying anything! Hey Mon, say that again!
[Monica gives him the finger]
JOEY: Okay, even _I_ know what she means when she says THAT.
RACH: Phoebs, could you help me please?
PHOE: Uhm, sure. Since I’m such a warm, helping person. I help people out all the time, that’s why it’s so great to live with me.
RACH: Phoebe would you just help me and stop talking about that?
PHOE: Fine. Okay. I know when to stop. That’s another of the qualities that makes me such a terrific roommate.
ROSS: Hey Joe, what do you say we take a bunch of water balloons and throw them on Chandler and Monica?
JOEY: What, you think they’d NOTICE? [Chandler and Monica both say something in sign language]
ROSS: [reading what they’re saying] Don’t even think it. [to Joey] Great, now they’ve become fully synchronized as well.
JOEY: So when’s your date with Caitlin?
ROSS: Oh, I’m picking her up around seven.
JOEY: Okay.
ROSS: And then I’m taking her out to dinner.
JOEY: Okay.
ROSS: And then I was thinking of taking her to see that new action movie that was released last week.
JOEY: Okay, Ross, I only asked to be polite, okay? You can stop with the detailed planning ‘cause I’m not listening.
ROSS: Okay.
PHOE: [overhearing] _I_ always listen. I’m a VERY good person to listen to your problems.
RACH: Oh really? Then how come you won’t listen to ME when I tell you to drop the subject?
PHOE: I… have chosen not to hear just that.
JOEY: Is dinner ready soon? I’m starving!
ROSS: You just called for a pizza, man.
JOEY: [remembers] Right.
RACH: Well too bad for you Joey, because dinner is on the table. [Ross, Joey and Phoebe sit at the table. Rachel walks up to Chandler and Monica on the couch]
RACH: Guys? Aren’t you gonna have some food? [no reaction] Guys, aren’t you gonna come eat, aren’t you hungry? [Chandler and Monica slowly move their head left and right in a “no” head shake]
RACH: What, so you’re just gonna not eat? [Chandler and Monica slowly move their heads up and down in a nod]
PHOE: Well they have to eat SOMETHING. [She grabs a carrot and walks over to the couch. Rachel immediately snatches the carrot away]
RACH: Phoebe, I worked for ages peeling that carrot!
PHOE: Yeah, so? That means no one’s allowed to eat it? I just thought of a reason why I don’t want to live with YOU. [She snatches it back. Rachel mocks her]
JOEY: Hey, what are you doing, get over here and serve us dinner!
RACH: Man, I can NEVER get rid of that waitress stamp!
PHOE: Actually Joey, you’re gonna have to wait. We’re feeding Chandler and Monica first.
JOEY: [sarcasm] Wow, just like at the zoo. [pause, off the others’ looks] What, everybody knew [points to Chandler] HE would have said it! I’m just taking over for now. [Ross and Joey join the others by the couch]
PHOE: Okay… Not so sure how I’m gonna go about this… Hey Mon, Chandler, could you help me out, please? [Monica waves them away with her hand]
JOEY: How in the world are they able to breathe?
ROSS: [slightly sarcastic] Well, as the scientist of the group, I would have to guess that they breath through their noses.
JOEY: Oh. Well in that case, [to Monica and Chandler] lucky for you it’s not the flu season.
PHOE: [tries to feed Chandler and Monica the carrot] Okay, I’m gonna just… I’m gonna try… [annoyed] Hold still!
[Chandler and Monica rise and somehow manage to walk over to Chandler’s recliner without breaking the kiss. They sit in it and Chandler flips the back down and they lay back]
ROSS: Man, it was much more easy to get Marcel to eat pineapple.
JOEY: What? You fed your monkey pineapple?
ROSS: No, I didn’t quite manage to get him to eat it… he just kept… spitting it out.
RACH: Okay, Ross? There’s food on the table. And there’s people who don’t want to hear about stuff like that when they’re about to eat.
PHOE: [walks over to Chandler and Monica] Now you two listen up! Stop that… that… tongue-twisting right this instant! Now if you stop that immediately I will allow you to eat this carrot in a Lady and the Tramp style.
[Chandler and Monica completely ignore her. Phoebe gets mad and somehow manages to shove the carrot into the side of their mouths. Chandler grabs it and hands it back to Phoebe]
JOEY: [shakes his head] You’d better forget about it, Phoebe. Those two can’t be force-fed anything.
PHOE: Yeah, well what are we supposed to do? Go get them some IV? [thinks] We could get them some IV.
[Cut to: Even later] [Chandler and Monica are still kissing. Phoebe and Joey are watching them, looking bored. Ross is getting ready to leave]
ROSS: Okay, bye everyone!
RACH: Bye.
PHOE: Have a great date!
RACH: Yeah, I’m not gonna say that.
JOEY: Hey Ross, if you get her to do what Chandler and Monica are currently up to, then make sure you know when to stop. These two sure don’t.
[Chandler leans him and Monica back up. He looks over at the table, grabs a piece of paper and a pen, and writes something on it. Then he leans back with Monica. All of this is done without breaking the kiss]
JOEY: [reading the note] Stop talking about us as if we couldn’t hear you.
PHOE: Wow, I’m surprised. I didn’t think they were capable of hearing sounds.
[Chandler leans back up and writes something new, still without breaking the kiss, then leans back]
JOEY: [reading] You’re doing it again.
RACH: [comes over] Is anyone else disgusted by this?
PHOE: I actually think it’s kinda’ sweet. But just kinda’.
JOEY: I’m telling you, I’ve never seen a couple kiss for this long. Not even in a porno film.
RACH: That’s because in a porno film they just kiss to make the one or two women watching happy. Then they move on to the naked stuff.
JOEY: Yeah, true.
PHOE: Okay, Monica, Chandler, isn’t that a bit… hard to do? [Monica makes a “nuh-uh” sound]
RACH: Wow… Look at that… They’re able to communicate…
PHOE: Joey quick, get a camera.
JOEY: [to Chandler and Monica] Seriously you guys, are you trying to set a world record or something?
RACH: You know what, how about we talk about something else than the Mr. and Mrs. Lip?
PHOE: They’re more like Mr. and Mrs. TONGUE.
RACH: How come no one ever corrects Chandler when he says stuff like that?
JOEY: By the way, I was thinking I’d start to look for a new roommate.
PHOE: Rachel probably wants to move in. But I should warn you, in just a few weeks she’ll start to dislike and criticize you.
RACH: What? I don’t dislike you.
PHOE: You don’t?
RACH: No! [pause] Not allot, anyway.
JOEY: Thanks, but I’d rather live with someone who’s a better cook. I don’t want to have to make dinner every night.
PHOE: Then how could you live with Chandler, I mean, the only chef he’s like is that Swedish one from “The Muppets”.
RACH: I thought you were against “Sesamy Street”.
PHOE: No, I’m against people not wanting to live with me. And by the way, “Sesamy Street” and “The Muppets” aren’t the same thing.
RACH: No?
JOEY: No, sorry.
PHOE: Which by the way leads me to a thing that I don’t like about you, Rach. You know NOTHING about cartoons.
RACH: Well Phoebe, to be honest… Well, I pretty much think cartoons are for children. Which is something that always annoyed me about Monica dating Chandler, I had to put up with watching cartoons all Saturday morning and sometimes Sunday.
PHOE: Not following.
RACH: You see, Chandler always gets up to watch the cartoons, and he usually manages to wake me up as well and then I can’t go back to sleep. And since I can’t sleep I figure I might as well go eat breakfast. And as soon as I leave the room I’m exposed to his stupid cartoons.
PHOE: So why didn’t you just change the channel? RACH: Because Monica wouldn’t let me, it’s her TV. I actually did change it once, because I wanted to see “Singled Out”, but Chandler told Monica on me. And Monica threatened me to ever change the TV channel again while Chandler was watching.
JOEY: Well, I guess the cartoons always win over the date shows…
RACH: What?
JOEY: [shrugs shoulders] Well, you know… I was just trying out my sarcasm bit. Was that not obvious?
[Joey, Phoebe and Rachel glare over at Chandler, waiting for his remark at that line. Chandler doesn’t say a thing]
JOEY: [annoyed] Oh come ON!
[Commercial Break]
[Scene: Central Perk, the next day. Everyone but Chandler and Monica are there]
ROSS: And then we went to see that, that new action movie that premiered last week.
RACH: Yeah, who cares?
PHOE: Wow, it must have been so weird, taking a girl that works with pizza, out to have Chinese food. She didn’t feel like she was cheating on Italy?
ROSS: Uh, no. She did tell me she really doesn’t like pizza much, though.
JOEY: What? She doesn’t like pizza? Okay, I’m with Rachel, I don’t like Ross dating this girl.
PHOE: Ah, so it turns out I’m not the only one Rachel doesn’t like!
ROSS: Anyway, we just had a really great time. And I’m taking her out again tomorrow night.
RACH: Another piece of information we don’t really need.
PHOE: Oh Ross? I would take your side here and defend you, but then Rachel would use that as a reason not to live with me.
RACH: Phoebe! Come on!
PHOE: [as if proving point] See?
JOEY: Well, I don’t know about all that, but check this out. I played “Doom” on Chandler’s laptop last night and I almost won the entire thing!
ROSS: So? “Doom” is, is so boring and childish.
RACH: Yeah, the only reason why you say that is because you can’t even make it to level three.
ROSS: [long pause] So anyway… Do you guys have any useful tips for where I can take Caitlin?
PHOE: Oh! Oh! The rodeo!
ROSS: But Phoebe, you’re against that.
PHOE: [remembers] Right… Wow, I’m such a bore.
RACH: Speaking of bores, have the repair men been over to fix our floor yet?
PHOE: What do you care, you’re not even gonna be living there anymore. The floor is just all mine now.
JOEY: Wow, you’re really selfish about your floor.
[Chandler and Monica enter, having some trouble getting over to the couch since they’re still kissing]
PHOE: You know, I was gonna add something funny to what you just said Joey, but now I’m more confused over how the heck the Turtledoves got down here in the first place.
JOEY: Yeah, too bad we can’t ask them. I doubt they’ll be willing to take their tongues out of each other’s throats long enough to form any words.
PHOE: [to Chandler and Monica] Seriously, why are you doing that? You didn’t get enough of each other’s mouths last night, or what?
JOEY: I don’t think they ever stopped…
ROSS: [shocked, to Chandler and Monica] What, you kissed all night?
[Chandler and Monica slowly move their heads in a nod]
JOEY: And I thought _I_ spent to much of my time with stuff that’s in the sex category.
PHOE: Chandler? Monica? Hello? Earth to kissing couple.
RACH: [eying them] Are you really allowed to do that kind of… thing in a public place?
ROSS: Should we have Gunther throw them out?
[Chandler and Monica lift one hand each, and knock them together in the double fist knock that’s more known as giving the finger]
RACH: Man, it’s like watching Siamese twins.
ROSS: What, ew! Siamese twins don’t make out!
RACH: Oh please, I was talking about their stupid fist knock… And they DO act and look like Siamese twins.
PHOE: Yeah, Siamese twins that are attached to the LIP.
JOEY: And what exactly did you mean by “act”.
RACH: Come on you guys, I was NOT talking about the kisses.
[Gunther walks by and hands Ross a cup of coffee. He stops and watches Chandler and Monica for a second]
GUNTH: Cute. [walks away]
RACH: You guys, maybe we should send Chandler and Monica home. I mean, Gunther is gonna throw them out any second, he’s probably just thinking of a nice way to do it in.
GUNTH: [over by the counter, his thoughts] I wonder if Rachel would like to do what Chandler and Monica are doing, with me?
ROSS: Oh hey, check this out, I’ve--
RACH: Please don’t say anything about Caitlin. And not something about dinosaurs either.
ROSS: No. I was gonna talk to you guys about this thing that happened at work last week. See, I was having a little chat with another one of the paleontologists, and he said--
RACH: That sounds like something dinosaur-y, so spare me please.
ROSS: Okay, then cover your ears.
JOEY: No, I’m with Rachel. Spare us the dinosaur crap.
PHOE: It’s not interesting.
ROSS: [to Chandler and Monica] You guys want to hear it, right?
[Chandler and Monica move their heads in a “no” head shake]
ROSS: Why do I even bother?
RACH: I’ve asked myself that very question.
ROSS: You know I think you’re being a bit unfair. I mean, you don’t tell Chandler to shut up when he talks about HIS job!
JOEY: That’s ‘cause he never DOES talk about his job.
ROSS: That’s a good point. [rises] Anyway, I’ve gotta go, I’m picking up Ben. [to Monica] And just so you know, if you want to see your nephew then I suggest you quit swapping spit with the doesn’t-talk-about-his-job guy. [leaves]
RACH: Hey Joey, I was meaning to ask, would you mind if I spend the night at your place? I just don’t wanna be stuck in the same apartment as those two. [points at Monica and Chandler]
PHOE: Well why don’t you just spend the night at home, with me? [feigned ignorance] Oh, that’s right, I forgot, you don’t want to live with me, silly me, so sorry.
RACH: Now, please, I never said--
PHOE: Never said what?
RACH: [tries to come up with something] Never said… allot of things.
PHOE: [sarcasm] Yeah, good one.
[They’re quiet for a few seconds, and all start glaring at Chandler and Monica]
JOEY: Wouldn’t your jaw be aching after kissing someone for so many hours?
RACH: You know, I’ve always heard that when you really love someone you just want to kiss them all day, all night… But this is getting ridiculous. PHOE: Yeah, tell me about it. It was ridiculous after just fifteen minutes.
JOEY: What I don’t get is how the hell they managed during the night.
[Chandler grabs a piece of paper that, conveniently enough, is lying on the table. He writes something down and he still doesn’t break the kiss]
JOEY: I don’t care THAT much. [reads]
PHOE: _I_ care. I’m curious. What does it say?
JOEY: Uh, it says that they… took turns sleeping… [looks at Chandler and Monica] You guys are just way to obsessed.
PHOE: You know who else is obsessed? Rachel, when it comes to whom she can picture herself living with!
JOEY: [looks from Chandler and Monica to Phoebe and Rachel] How come I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of two non-pleasant situations? It’s either the lip-lockers or the arguing roommates.
PHOE: Arguing EX-roommate. She doesn’t want to live with me anymore, remember? RACH: Phoebe, this is getting ridiculous. [to Chandler and Monica] And that could go for you too!
[Chandler and Monica rise and leave, never breaking the kiss]
[Cut to: Joey’s, later] [Joey, Phoebe and Rachel are there]
PHOE: And another thing that makes lots of people want to live with me, is the fact that I’m really funny.
RACH: Yeah… But when I lived with Monica I only paid rent every five months, or when she was low on cash… Living with you has really made it’s marks in my economy.
JOEY: Well then you’d better not come live with ME. You’d have to pay rent almost all year long. ALL of the rent.
RACH: Come to realize, Chandler and Monica must have a ton of money now that they live together and get to save allot from paying rents and stuff.
PHOE: Cool, Chandler and Monica don’t have to pay rent? I am SO moving in with them. RACH: No Phoebs, I meant that they only have to pay 50% of the rent each year, instead of 90.
PHOE: There you go, all criticizing me again!
RACH: I can’t win with you, can I?
PHOE: I ALWAYS let my roommates win.
JOEY: You guys, this is getting ridiculous. Who cares if Rachel wants to move out?
PHOE: _I_ do!
JOEY: Yeah, but aside from you?
PHOE: Well, the issue here isn’t between me, Rachel and everyone aside from me! It’s between Rachel and me, and why she doesn’t want to live with me any more!
RACH: Phoebe, it’s not YOU. It’s just your whole… personality.
PHOE: [sarcasm] Yeah, you’re right, that’s totally not-me!
RACH: Look, you’re one of my best friends and I love you Phoebs.
PHOE: So does everyone else. You’ll have to try better, Rach.
RACH: I just don’t think that we should be roommates… You’re not… roommate material.
JOEY: Wow, that was harsh.
RACH: You have to tell them the painful truth straight out.
PHOE: But wait, so it’s not me as a friend you’re having problems with?
RACH: Of course not. Not all that much, anyway.
PHOE: Oh. [shrugs shoulders] Then I’m fine.
RACH: What? What do you mean?
PHOE: Well, I thought you wanted to move out ‘cause you didn’t want to be friends with me, but now that I know that’s not the reason then you just go ahead and move out.
RACH: You’re… you’re not serious, are you?
PHOE: Yeah, totally. You just take your knick knacks and the Pottery Barn junk and move, really, it’s FINE Rach.
JOEY: There we go. See there, all you needed was a little guidance from Joey.
RACH: What? How did YOU help?
PHOE: [rises, puts her beer down] Anyway I’m gonna go now, but you go ahead and move out Rachel, no hard feelings.
RACH: [following her as she leaves, whiny] But wait, I don’t want to move out!
ROSS: [entering, depressed] Hi.
JOEY: What cat flushed YOU down the toilet?
ROSS: What?
JOEY: [as if talking to an idiot] Ross, it’s a syllable. Ever heard of it?
ROSS: [sits] Well I blew it with Caitlin. [starts drinking from Phoebe’s beer]
PHOE: [re-entering] I forgot my beer… [sees Ross drinking it] Never mind. [leaves again]
JOEY: Well I don’t know what to tell ya’, Ross. Except that I’m not surprised.
ROSS: Excuse me?
JOEY: Well, did you talk to her about science?
ROSS: Yes.
JOEY: Did you explain why your jokes were funny?
ROSS: [ashamed] Yes.
JOEY: Did you ask her if she liked you, more than once?
ROSS: Yes.
JOEY: Man, you REALLY should start listening to yourself and Chandler. [Closing Credits] [Scene: Central Perk. The girls and Chandler are there. Chandler and Monica are still kissing]
RACH: Two days? You’ve actually been going on like that for over TWO days?
[Chandler and Monica slowly move their heads in a nod]
RACH: Gosh, it’s enough to make you sick.
PHOE: I know.
[Chandler and Monica move their heads in a “no” head shake]
PHOE: Did you know a kiss is actually around 9 milligrams of water, 0,7 grams of albumen, 0,18 grams of organic material, 0,7 grams of fat--
RACH: Well then I’m done kissing people.
PHOE: Can I continue? 0,7 grams of fat, 0,45 grams of salt and about 250 different kinds of bacteria? [Chandler and Monica stop kissing (lips still together though) and stare at each other, sharing a “can you BELIEVE that?” look. Then they look really grossed out and part from each other, moving away further and further to get as far away from each other as possible] The end!