[Opening Scene]

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Ross are there]
ROSS: So when is Rachel moving out?
PHOE: This week. I finally forced her to get her own place, she actually had
Denise sleeping on the couch. Plus she used up all of Denise's makeup.
ROSS: That sure sounds like Rachel.
PHOE: She claims she can't afford living by herself.
ROSS: That ALSO sounds like Rachel.
PHOE: But, I gave her a little tip from the days when I lived on the streets
on how to raise money.
ROSS: I'm not sure prostitution is the ideal thing for Rachel, she'd want at
least $200 just to be seen in the same car as someone who makes less than
$6000 a month.
PHOE: What, eww, I wasn't a prostitute! No! I meant one of the tricks that
you don't exploit your body with!
ROSS: Oh. Sorry Phoebs. So what was the idea?
PHOE: Well, I suggested that she'd sell her car and then report it stolen.
That way she would get the insurance money and the money from whomever
bought it.
ROSS: Uh, Phoebs?
PHOE: But then I remembered she doesn't have a car.
ROSS: So where is she now? Out looking for an apartment?
PHOE: No, she's gone to borrow a car from her father, since she doesn't have
one herself.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: The same. Joey, Monica and Chandler enter]
JOEY: Ross, Phoebs, guess what?
PHOE: You swapped with yourself?
JOEY: No.
PHOE: You brought a sleeping bag to a rave-party?
JOEY: No, that was months ago. Anyway, I talked to my mother and the house
was insured! I get, like, full insurance!
CHAN: Which is good for me, 'cause it means I can get back some of the money
he owes me.
JOEY: Do I have to pay you back right now? I was kinda' hoping I could use
this money to buy a solar tie-rack.
CHAN: No, no that's cool. [sarcasm] I can just wait another ten years, it's
not like you borrowed them ages ago.
MNCA: And by the way Joey, you don't even have any TIES.
JOEY: I know, but I must get SOME money left, so I figured I'd buy some ties
for that money.
[Monica and Chandler go over to the counter to order]
PHOE: [low] So how are things with Chandler and Monica?
JOEY: [low] Well. they're TALKING. But, uhm. Chandler's been sleeping at my,
actually HIS, place ever since we got back.
ROSS: You know, it sucks.
JOEY/PHOE: Shhh!
ROSS: [low] Sorry. I just really think it blows that those two can't get
over themselves and just patch things up.
PHOE: Well THEY weren't on a break.
JOEY: [low] Phoebe, they can HEAR you. Anyway, I think Monica is too upset
still, I mean I spent most of that night with her and she was a mess.
PHOE: [low] Chandler was a drunken mess. With a bruised lip. [proud] I've
still got it.
ROSS: [low] Shhh, they're coming over!
[Chandler and Monica sit. They notice the others acting kinda' weird and
they eye them oddly]
CHAN: And there are two souls on this couch who would like to know what's
going on.
PHOE: We, uhm, we're planning a surprise party for Joey.
MNCA: Joey's right there.
JOEY: I have a really bad hearing.
[Monica scoffs at that]
CHAN: No come on, something's up and we want to know!
ROSS: Well, uhm, the SUN is up.
MNCA: I hate it when you ignore me like that. And I'm sure Chandler feels
the same way.
CHAN: Yes I do. [beat] About what?
[Monica sighs and rises, going to the bathroom]
JOEY: Hey Chandler, nice way to get back together with her!

[Cut to: Monica's]
[Monica and Phoebe enter. Rachel is there]
MNCA: You know, I HATE it when you do this.
PHOE: [feigned innocence] Do what?
MNCA: Just, like, talk a bunch of stuff that has to do with me, or in this
case Chandler perhaps, and then you refuse to tell me. [sees Rachel on
couch] And I hate it when YOU do THIS! Rachel, how many times have I told
you that I hate it when you copy my key and get in here! Gosh, one of these
day's you're gonna give me a HEART ATTACK!
PHOE: Okay, just so I know Mon, when you're in the hospital after the heart
attack, what flowers should I bring you?
MNCA: [firm, extending hand, to Rachel] Give me the key. [Rachel does] And
the other one. [Rachel does] And the other four.
RACH: [sighs] How do you manage to DO that? [hands her them]
MNCA: And the one you keep in your bra.
[Rachel goes to the bathroom to get it out of her bra]
PHOE: Wow, she does this often?
[Monica holds up a kitchen drawer in which she keeps all of the keys she's
reclaimed from Rachel. It's almost as filled as the one Joey had in "TOW
Underdog Gets Away"]
MNCA: [indicating drawer] Exhibit A.
RACH: [re-enters] Okay. Fine. Here you go. [hands Monica a key]
MNCA: And I'm pretty sure you kept two in there.
[Rachel gives up and hands her another key, then reaches into her pocket and
hands Monica three keys more]
PHOE: Wow, this must have cost you a FORTUNE!
RACH: Nah, I just tell them to bill my husband.
MNCA: Husband?
RACH: If anyone at the key-place asks, I'm still your sister-in-law.
MNCA: Oh goody.
PHOE: So THAT explains why Ross is so short of money these days.
RACH: [proud] Yeah, I know. Gosh Rachel, you are SO good!
MNCA: One quick question, though.
PHOE: Shoot.
MNCA: I was talking to Rachel.
PHOE: Oh. Well you go ahead and ask anyway.
MNCA: How come you're here THIS time? I don't mind you coming over, but if
I'm not at home then it's really annoying.
RACH: Well, see I was kinda' hoping I could move back in.
MNCA: No, seriously.
RACH: I AM serious. Come on, you've got the spare room!
MNCA: Look, it's not that I don't want you here Rach, but I need to be by
myself for a few weeks now. Chandler and I just split two weeks ago and I
need to get sorted out in my mind first.
RACH: Okay. all right.
MNCA: So you can empty your purse for all the keys you have in there.
[Rachel sighs and goes to get her purse. Phoebe looks in the drawer]
PHOE: Oh hey! THERE'S my key, I've been looking for that since we came back!

[Cut to: Central Perk]
[The guys are there]
ROSS: Chandler, can I ask you something?
CHAN: [sighs] Joey already asked, I do NOT know what Pippa's phone number
is.
ROSS: Oh, not THAT. although it could be nice to know. No, see the thing I
wanted to ask you was, how are things between you and my sis?
CHAN: Don't worry Ross, we're not taking cheap shots at each other, like you
and Rachel did. At least not as MUCH. But that's all I have to report, I
mean. she doesn't want to get back together so what do you do? You can't
FORCE her. [pause] All my stuff is still in her place, I think that might be
a good sign.
JOEY: Either that, or she's just waiting for you to get your ass over there
and take them.
CHAN: Way to make me feel better, Joe.
ROSS: I must admit, when you first got together I wasn't all that happy
about it. I mean, the thought of you doing stuff with my sister kinda'. you
know.
JOEY: Yeah, it made me jealous.
ROSS: You're sick. [to Chandler] But once I got used to it, I realized you
guys made a great couple. And I don't like to see you throw all that you had
away. I mean it's different for me when I broke up with my serious
girlfriends. Carol was gay and Emily couldn't trust me.
JOEY: And Bonnie shaved her head.
ROSS: [ignoring Joey's comment] Look, all I wanted to say, really, is that
you love my sister, don't you?
CHAN: Yeah.
ROSS: And you wanna move back in with her, right?
CHAN: Of course.
ROSS: Then why don't you?
CHAN: Uhm, see Ross there's this TEENY, TINY little problem. SHE doesn't
want me to.
JOEY: Well, she didn't want you to propose in her living room that time,
either, but you did THAT.
CHAN: There's a DIFFERENCE.
JOEY: No there isn't.
CHAN: Yes there is.
JOEY: No there ISN'T!
CHAN: I'm not getting into one of those fights!
JOEY: Yes you ARE!

[Cut to: Monica's, later]
[Ross and the girls are there]
RACH: Okay, wish me luck, I'm off to sell daddy's car!
MNCA: You're selling your dad's car?
RACH: Yeah. To make money!
ROSS: Rachel, please tell me you're smarter than that you'll go with
Phoebe's idea, it's INSANE!
PHOE: Okay, fine, but people said the same thing about the guy who claimed
the earth was round!
ROSS: Well I'm SERIOUS. Selling your dad's car just to, just to report it
stolen is a TERRIBLE idea!
MNCA: [to Rachel] You are gonna do WHAT?
RACH: [dry, to Ross] Way to go, Ross.
MNCA: Rachel!
RACH: Come on, that is NOT what I am doing!
ROSS: So what ARE you doing?
RACH: [sarcasm] I'm selling it so that I can afford to buy a trailer.
[leaves]
PHOE: You know, come to think of it, maybe I didn't give Rachel such a great
tip after all.
ROSS: You think?
MNCA: [sarcasm] No, really?
PHOE: Yeah. Ah, well, I can't always be the only one without a track record
with the cops.
MNCA: Yeah, but wouldn't it be, like, easier to steal from Joey's insurance
money or something?
ROSS: By the way, I still want my money back.

[Cut to: Ross's place]
[Ross and Monica enter]
MNCA: Happy now?
ROSS: Yes, thank you. I needed that money, you know.
MNCA: Ross, that was over one year ago. Even if you get your stamps by now
then whomever it was you were gonna mail has probably given up on your
correspondence.
ROSS: What, you knew I was gonna buy stamps?
MNCA: [ignoring his comment] And it's not like if it's as serious as that
time in ninth grade when I had the flue and you decided to be cruel and
drank my nose drops.
ROSS: Hey, I thought those were vitamins, not MY fault.
MNCA: [sits on the couch] And by the way, you still owe me seven bucks for
that candy you bought on the way home.
[Ross sighs and hands her seven wrinkly dollars]
MNCA: Ah, money exchanging hands again.
ROSS: You know, you sound just like Rachel.
MNCA: By the way, speaking of, you need to make sure she doesn't get her
hands on your key.
ROSS: Why not?
MNCA: 'Cause she's been making tons of copies and using them to get into my
apartment when I'm not there.
ROSS: Oh. So THAT'S why I've gotten so many bills from that key place!
MNCA: Bingo.
ROSS: [looks through window] And she's there again.
MNCA: [rises, looks] What? [angry] Oh my gosh, not AGAIN! Quick, get me on
the phone with her!
[Ross picks up the phone]
MNCA: Hurry, hurry!
ROSS: Okay!
[He dials and waits]
MNCA: Well?
ROSS: Busy.
MNCA: Can't be, she's not on the phone, she's. [sees, shocked] taking my
velvet dress!
ROSS: Well it IS busy!
MNCA: Lemme see that. Where's that re-dial button? [grabs the phone, presses
redial] There we go. [listens] Ross?
ROSS: Yeah.
MNCA: You phoned your own number.

[Cut to: Monica's]
[Monica and Ross enter, just as Rachel's on her way out. She sheepishly
hides the dress behind her back]
MNCA: Rachel!
RACH: The door was. uhm. unlocked?
ROSS: Not likely.
MNCA: Okay, that's it Rach, hand me the dress.
RACH: [denial] What dress?
MNCA: The one behind your back?
RACH: [denial] What dress behind my back?
MNCA: [fed-up] The green velvet-one!
RACH: [feigned realisation] Oh THAT one! [obviously lying] Oh, yeah, that's,
that's, in uhm, in your, uhm, in your closet.
MNCA: The how come you're holding it behind your back?
ROSS: Rach, we CAN see it from here, you know.
RACH: [gives up] Fine! But I needed to borrow it, I feel I have to make a
great impression if I'm gonna sell daddy's Alfa Romeo!
ROSS: In a DRESS?
RACH: Well, yeah, dresses are really good ways to persuade guys to buy cars
from you!
ROSS: And to buy other services as well.
MNCA: And why can't you wear your OWN dresses? If I'm not totally mistaking,
you own TWO velvet dresses.
RACH: I know I do, but I don't want to wear those 'cause they might get all
oily and stuff.
MNCA: And that, my friend, is one of the reasons why you're not borrowing
MINE.
[She goes up to Rachel, gets the dress and goes to her room with it]
RACH: [grumpy] Cheapskate.
ROSS: So you haven't given up on that crazy, brainless idea to sell a car
and report it stolen?
RACH: Of course not! I need some money!
ROSS: Yes, but Rachel this is ILLEGAL. You can go to JAIL for something like
this.
RACH: Oh no problem, I'll just tell 'em Phoebe did it.
ROSS: Pease tell me that was a joke.
RACH: Ross, look, I know what I'm doing. This is not like eating soup with
your hands, this is a well thought out, airtight plan!
ROSS: So how were you gonna go about it, just go outside and yell "Alfa
Romeo for sale"?
RACH: No, I haven't quite figured that part out yet.
ROSS: I see.
MNCA: [re-enters] Oh, and Rach, before I forget, give me the key.
RACH: Gosh, you really are cynical, aren't you? I told you once, the door
was unlocked.
ROSS: Since we locked it when we left, I find it a little hard to believe
that, Rach.
[Rachel sighs and starts to pick up keys from her purse]

[Cut to: Later]
[Phoebe and Monica are on the couch, talking]
MNCA: That is so not true.
PHOE: Yes it is. Oh, come on Monica.
MNCA: No, I'm telling you Phoebe, you have got it all wrong.
PHOE: Hey, who's the psychic here, you or me?
MNCA: This has nothing to do with being psychic or not, this has to do with
me and how _I_ feel.
PHOE: Uh-hu, and as your psychic, I know all that stuff better than YOU do,
'cause you've got this block in your mind [gestures] that doesn't allow you
to let the true feelings out.
MNCA: I don't agree with you.
PHOE: I agree with me.
MNCA: [sighs] You know, when you get going on stuff like this you all of a
sudden understand people who train in being deaf.
PHOE: That's what they all say.
MNCA: Look, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I know more than anyone
else what it is I want and how it is I feel.
PHOE: Uh-hu, yeah I know, but how come you don't do as that feeling wants?
MNCA: [slightly confused] But that IS what I'm doing.
PHOE: No, see you are listening to the voice of anger.
MNCA: Phoebe, I assure you, if that were the case then I wouldn't even speak
to the guy.
PHOE: I'm not so sure about that.
MNCA: Well, neither are you sure that Eskimos really are people, and I
assure you, they ARE.
PHOE: Okay. Okay, but if that is the case, then how come you guys don't,
like, sit together like you always did before, and how come you refuse to be
alone with him?
MNCA: I think I've had all the alone time I need with him. After all, two
years is a long time.
PHOE: Okay, I am obviously getting nowhere with you, maybe I should just
send you to a shrink. I happen to know a good one too, do you know Roger?
MNCA: [ignoring her last comment] I don't want to see him 'cause I'm afraid
I'll freak out and start yelling at him.
PHOE: No you're not, you're scared you're gonna freak out and start kissing
him.
MNCA: Phoebe, please. Chandler and I are over and done with.
PHOE: CHANDLER, I thought we were talking about Fun Bobby! [pause] Okay, now
I lied.

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: Monica's, later. Monica, Joey, Phoebe and Chandler are there. Monica
and Chandler are avoiding each other, just to show the others that they're
not together.]
JOEY: Hey, what is it called when you dial the wrong number on purpose?
CHAN: Mental illness.
MNCA: No it's not, that's a prank call.
PHOE: Joey, you had to bring something they could fight about up, didn't
you?
MNCA: We're SO not fighting. But we might start fighting with YOU.
JOEY: Speaking of mental illness, where is Rachel?
MNCA: Oh, she's out selling her Alfa Romeo. Or, to be exact, her DAD'S Alfa
Romeo.
JOEY: Cool, why didn't she sell it to me? I have a couple of hundred dollars
in my account.
CHAN: Knowing Rachel, that car is gonna cost you a couple of hundred
THOUSAND dollars.
MNCA: Guys, I REALLY think this is a stupid idea. I mean what if she gets
caught?
CHAN: I hope she WILL.
MNCA: [upset] Chandler!
CHAN: I don't feel like taking it back. She can be a pain in the ass.
MNCA: She is ALSO my best friend.
CHAN: Yeah, so?
[Monica makes a face and does the double fist knock. Phoebe ducks so the
fist knock won't "hit her"]
CHAN: [low, to Joey, proud] She said my name.
JOEY: [low, unenthused] Score.
MNCA: I can't BELIEVE you gave her that tip, Phoebs.
CHAN: _I_ can't believe we're still ON that subject.
MNCA: And I can't believe you just won't shut up.
[Suddenly they hear a key jiggle in the lock]
JOEY: It's locked?
MNCA: I think so, yeah.
PHOE: Not for much longer.
[The door opens and Rachel enters. She sees Monica (and Joey, Chandler and
Phoebe) is there and realizes she got caught]
RACH: [making up an excuse] Well no WONDER this key didn't work at my place.
This is the key to YOUR place. See ya'! [leaves]
JOEY: [to Monica] Okay, I believe you.
MNCA: Told ya'.
CHAN: What a lovely best friend. Wanna see what else she'll do to you?
MNCA: [annoyed] Wanna see what it's like to hang from your foot down the
balcony?
CHAN: Okay, fine, I know when I'm not wanted. [rises]
JOEY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going?
CHAN: [sarcasm] I just remembered I parked my mom's car in Lake Eerie when I
was eighteen. I should probably get it now, the ice might have melted.
JOEY: No, come on, stay. You haven't heard my exiting news yet.
PHOE: You have news? Oh, I'm ALWAYS the last one to know!
JOEY: Yeah, check this out. I almost got an acting job today!
CHAN: Almost?
JOEY: Uh-hu. But it was a long shot.
CHAN: And THAT'S the exiting news you had to tell me?
JOEY: I don't know.
CHAN: I should have known you were still the same loony Joey.
MNCA: [sarcasm] Don't you just LOVE Chandler's new I-love-my-friends
attitude?
CHAN: I. almost said "bite me", but that's not my expression.
PHOE: Anyway, I have to go soon. I wanna check which cell Rachel's gonna
wind up in.
MNCA: Phoebe! Can't you just talk her OUT of this? I don't want her to go to
jail, we'll never see her if she does!
PHOE: Relax, it's not like she's going to WILKINSON!
MNCA: Okay, now you got me even MORE worried!
[Phoebe leaves]

[Cut to: A street in New York]
[Rachel is trying to sell the car. "Bad Boys", by Inner Circle, is playing
in the background]
RACH: [shouting out] Car! Buy yourself a car! And if the police asks, you
NEVER saw me! [her thoughts] Okay, don't say that again, okay? That was the
FIFTH time! [calling out] Red Alfa Romeo, just $20 000!
MAN: [walking by] Are you insane, woman?
RACH: No, but I'm kinda' in the need of money.
MAN: So go sell a kidney. [walks away]
RACH: [calling out] Anyone up for an Alfa Romeo?
[A policeman walks up]
RACH: Oh hey. Interested in an Alfa Romeo?
COP: I don't think you should be going by this method to sell your car,
madam.
RACH: Hey, take that "madam" back! I'm not that old.
COP: Whatever. Why don't you try the classifieds? Ever heard of 'em?
RACH: I know, but that costs MONEY!
COP: So does bail.
RACH: [annoyed] What?
COP: License and registration, please.
RACH: What, what for?
COP: [sarcasm] 'Cause I'm just that nasty. [firm] NOW, miss
younger-than-madam.
[Rachel gets the registration for him and hands him her license. The cop
looks at it for a few seconds]
COP: This license expired three years ago.
RACH: [slightly ashamed] Actually, five.
COP: And the registration shows this isn't even your car. Does the owner of
the car know you're selling his Alfa Romeo?
RACH: [looks, panicked, her thoughts] Run Rachel, run!

[Cut to: Monica's]
[Joey and Chandler are there. Monica enters with Rachel]
RACH: Thanks for posting bail for me, Mon.
MNCA: You're not welcome. I TOLD you this was a stupid idea!
RACH: Well what will I get, probation?
CHAN: According to Gary, trying to sell another person's property could give
you up to ten years.
RACH: [terrified]  What? Monica hold me!
[She hugs Monica, who gives Chandler an "I'll kill you" look. Chandler and
Joey laugh silently and high-five]
RACH: And I don't even have an apartment!
MNCA: I know what you're gonna ask, and I'm sorry. I've told you before, I
need some space. [goes over to the couch] And why can't you just take that
apartment we found, it was GREAT!
RACH: Yeah, I know, but it was so far away from work!
MNCA: It's two blocks closer from here.
RACH: What's your point?
MNCA: I'm sorry, sweetie. But I need my privacy.
RACH: That's fine. It looks like I won't be NEEDING an apartment anymore,
according to Chandler.
CHAN: [proud of himself] I know.
MNCA: [annoyed] Chandler you are SO annoying!
CHAN: I know THAT too. [mouths, to Joey] Yes!
RACH: [sits] I'm gonna be like one of those guys from a Tarention movie!
JOEY: Quentin Tarentino?
CHAN: [sarcasm] No no, DUMBO Tarentino.
RACH: And then. and then I'm gonna die in this great, big shootout!
MNCA: [sarcasm] Yeah. Sure. You'll be like the modern day Sundance Kid.
RACH: Who the hell's that? BILLY the kid?
CHAN: No.
RACH: Then how come he's named kid?
CHAN: I don't know. allot of people are.
JOEY: I wonder why it is none of us can ever have a normal conversation.
MNCA: [sarcasm] Oh, we have those all the time, we just make sure YOU'RE not
around.
JOEY: Ha ha.
MNCA: Rachel, do yourself a favor.
RACH: What?
MNCA: Don't mention a word about this to Ross until you know what you'll
get, unless you want a big "I told you so".
CHAN: And if you're lucky, you'll just get the edited five-minute version,
not the entire forty-five minute speech. [beat] Seriously.
RACH: Great, thanks for the tip. But how can I avoid Ross for three weeks?
JOEY: Well that's not hard. You just go to your father's place for a while.
Why would Ross go there?
MNCA: Good point. Although you don't need to HIDE from Ross, just don't tell
him that you went through with Phoebe's insane plan.
RACH: Yes, but if I go to jail, won't he notice I'm gone?
JOEY: Why should he? _I_ won't!
RACH: [upset] Joey!
CHAN: No, don't listen to him Rach, he'll TOTALLY notice you're gone.
RACH: Thanks Chandler.
CHAN: No more hard words thrown at him, you know? Not very easy to stop
noticing things like that, ya' know.
MNCA: Chandler, shut up or I'll throw a cushion on you.
CHAN: [low, to Joey, happy] That's four times in one day!
JOEY: You're pathetic.
CHAN: [pause] Yeah, I know.

[Cut to: Joey and Chandler's, the next morning]
[Chandler's having breakfast. Joey enters from his bedroom, looking really
tired]
JOEY: I don't get this. How can I be so tired? I even set my alarm clock
upside down, so that I could sleep longer.
CHAN: [not listening] Great, Joe.
JOEY: [sits] How come you're eating cereal in yogurt?
CHAN: I am?
JOEY: What, were you somehow not aware of that?
CHAN: No, not really. [pushes the bowl away] Everything I eat tastes like
old oatmeal anyway.
JOEY: Why, you getting sick?
CHAN: Nah, it's just. not as good as Mon's breakfast, that's all.
JOEY: Monica's the problem?
CHAN: [denial] Nooooo.
JOEY: Chandler. I don't understand. If it's just the breakfast, then why
don't you go over to her place and ask her to make you some?
CHAN: She doesn't want me there.
JOEY: How do you know? Besides, it's obvious you're unhappy now that she
dumped you.
CHAN: Hey, hey, she did  NOT dump me! It was a mutual decision!
JOEY: It was?
CHAN: Yeah. [beat] She said she didn't want to be with me anymore, and I
don't take that from nobody.
JOEY: Look, this whole thing, it drives me CRAZY! YOU mope over here, SHE
puts on her "Joey, I'm fine" act across the hall. When are you two gonna sit
down and talk about this? Get back together or get on with your lives!
CHAN: Is there an option number three?
JOEY: No, what would THAT be?
CHAN: She gets on with her life, I miss her the rest of mine.
JOEY: Nope, not an option.
CHAN: [whiney] Oh, CRAP!
JOEY: Look, face it man, this has got to STOP!
CHAN: I know, we can't keep on buying yogurt, I HATE yogurt.
JOEY: No, no you and Monica! You can't go around like this, let's face it
man, you would be in your sweatpants right this SECOND, if it wasn't for the
fact that you don't want to show her just how much you miss her.
CHAN: [rises] Or maybe I'm not in the sweats 'cause I don't NEED to be,
'cause I'm not DEPRESSED!
JOEY: And is that the reason?
CHAN: [scoffs] As IF, I miss her like CRAZY!

[Cut to: Monica's]
[It's a little later. Monica and Phoebe are there. Chandler enters]
CHAN: Hey.
PHOE: Oh, my talents as a psychic tells me that I should leave you two
alone. plus, Joey's been signaling from Ross's apartment that I should get
the hell out of here.
CHAN: But Joey's across the hall.
PHOE: [slightly confused] Then who's over at Ross's place? I'd better check
out. [heads for the door]
CHAN: Oh, just a tip, if the person is wearing a ski-mask and a flashlight
then it's probably Rachel.
[Phoebe leaves. Chandler closes the door and walks a bit closer]
CHAN: [not knowing what to say] It's uhm. It's never been awkward, coming to
see you, before.
MNCA: Yes, but then you let your tongue dance the Macarena with another
woman and we broke up, remember?
CHAN: But still, I. [thinks] Hey, that was so NOT the Macarena.
MNCA: Big deal, you want to call it tango then go ahead.
CHAN: Monica, I came over here to talk. because I don't think I can have it
like this any longer.
MNCA: Have it like what? You're not even in your SWEATPANTS, if it's our
breakup you're referring to. You're finer than ever.
CHAN: [loosing his nerve] Actually, I was gonna talk about me and Joey
having yogurt in our fridge, but. whatever.
[He leaves. After a few seconds, he returns]
CHAN: Okay, I might just be THE worst liar on the planet, right?
MNCA: If not, you sure come in a very close second.
CHAN: Okay, so here's the deal, I MISS you. I admit it. I have no pride, so
why deny it? And my heart nearly stopped that night when we thought you were
trapped inside with Joey.
MNCA: [annoyed] Because I was trapped, or because Joey was with me?
CHAN: What?
MNCA: Look Chandler, whatever it is you have to say, I've heard it a hundred
times before. I don't need to hear it again.
CHAN: I guess that's what I get for being able to swallow enough of my pride
to come over here and let you know I miss you like crazy.
MNCA: You just said you HAD no pride. And come ON Chandler, this is not like
I over reacted to something! It's not like the time when you returned more
books than you'd actually BORROWED at the library!
CHAN: [defensive] Hey, I didn't KNOW that was your diary!
MNCA: And it's not like the time you went to a club with my walkman,
"accidentally" spilling beer all over it!
CHAN: I know. and it WAS an accident.
MNCA: You CHEATED on me Chandler. And not just on any day, on the day we'd
been going out for two YEARS! That day meant ALLOT to me!
CHAN: As for ME!
MNCA: [annoyed] YOU stuck your tongue down somebody else's THROAT, I guess
THAT shows me how much it meant to you!
CHAN: Look, that wasn't ANYTHING! And Mon, may I ask, would you have been
more forgiving if I HADN'T used my tongue?
MNCA: A bit, yes.
CHAN: But Monica, please, it was just. just that muscle in my mouth, not my.
well, you know.
MNCA: Just the muscle in your mouth? [annoyed, slightly sarcastic] Gee, I'll
remember THAT if I ever kiss you again.
CHAN: [happy] You think you're gonna kiss me again?
MNCA: [angry] NO!
CHAN: Easy, easy Mon!
MNCA: Chandler, I thought I'd made myself clear on this! I DON'T want you
back after what you did, weather you come here every SINGLE day or never
again. I just don't.
CHAN: But. but Monica, after all we've experienced together, all the love
we've shared, how can it mean less to you than one simple kiss?
MNCA: Simple kiss?
CHAN: It was only physical! At BEST!
MNCA: Look at me, do I LOOK like I care?
CHAN: You USED to.
MNCA: I know I did. And so did you. But now neither of us do. And you can
just go.
CHAN: What if I don't want to go?
MNCA: Then you can march your hiney to the bathroom and start cleaning the
toilet.
CHAN: [sighs] Okay, all right, I will.
MNCA: Good.
[She gives him a rag he can use, then gets her purse and heads for the door]
CHAN: Wait, where are you GOING?
MNCA: There's someone I need to talk to.
CHAN: So. so I guess I'm stuck here alone. cleaning your bathroom.
MNCA: Don't forget to clear the shower drain. [leaves]

[Closing Credits]

[Scene: Central Perk. All present except for Monica and Rachel. Phoebe's on
the stage, playing]
PHOE: [singing] How sweet, to be an idiot. As harmless as a cloud. Children
laughing at my back, with no fear of attack. As much retaliation as a toy.
How sweet to be an idiot.
CHAN: [to Ross] And does Michael Palin know she sings this?
ROSS: You look tired.
CHAN: You think? I just spent thirty minutes cleaning your sister's bathroom
just to be near her, and she left before I even started!
ROSS: What have I been saying, you want Monica back.
CHAN: [denial] I so DON'T!
RACH: [enters, exited] Guys! You will never guess what?
PHOE: [in mike] And can Rachel please shut up while I'm singing?
RACH: Sorry Phoebs.
PHOE: [singing, angrily] You, you're such a pendant! You've got as much
brain as a dead ant! As much imagination as a caravan site! [normal singing
voice] But I still love you. Still love you-uh. How sweet to be an idiot.
How sweet. [high-pitched] How sweet. [normal singing voice] Ho-ow sweet. [in
mike] I'm done, Rachel you can talk now.
[People applaud. Rachel sits]
RACH: Okay, Phoebs doesn't think I'm as dumb as a dead ant, does she?
JOEY: No, it's from the song.
RACH: Oh. Anyway. [exited] Ready for the big news?
JOEY: They decided not to press charges?
ROSS: What?
RACH: [motions to Joey to shut up, then exited] Monica is letting me move
back in with her!
CHAN: I wish _I_ was moving back in with her. [off Ross's look] What, I'm
telling you, I do NOT miss her!
PHOE: [singing another song] I've got two legs from my head to the ground,
and when I lift them they walk around, and.
[The screen fades to black to the other's pained expressions]
The end!