This part is dedicated to Tracey, my best friend on the Web.
Monica sat up and rubbed her
aching head. She had fallen when she took a
wrong step, and hurt her head in the wall. Her ankle hurt as well.
She looked around in the dark room. Theses days she easily forgot stuff, in
addition to not remembering her past at all, and it seemed as if the hard
hit had made her forget where she was and what had just happened.
She rose to her feet and quickly realised she wasn't in her apartment and
not at the hospital either. She didn't recognize it as the beach house
either. She thought for a second if she could be at one of her friends'
places, but quickly dismissed the idea.
She could hear someone coming up the stairs, and a well known fear came over
her. Not knowing who she would meet was terrible, and it was way too
familiar. She slowly drew herself back against the bed and hoped it was
someone she knew, not a stranger from her past.
Chandler realized that the
tape he was listening to had allot of
post-break-up songs on it. He was listening to "King of Wishful Thinking" by
Go West at the moment, one of the few songs from "Pretty Woman" that he
liked, and he realized that the song before had also been about breaking up.
This song was nearly finished, he leaned back and started out on the ocean.
He'd never before felt like he knew what songs about heart ache were about,
because he had so little experience. Monica had been his first long-term
girlfriend. Now he felt like songs like "King of Wishful Thinking" spoke to
I'll get over you, I know I
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking.
And I'll tell my soul I'm over you.
'Cause I'm the king of wishful thinking.
I'm the king of wishful thinking.
I'll get over you, I know I
You made a hole in my heart.
But I won't shed a tear for you.
I'll be the king of wishful thinking.
I'll get over you, I know I
I'll pretend my heart's still beating.
'Cause I've got no more tears for you.
I am the king of wishful thinking.
Chandler sighed and leaned
back. This song especially felt like it described
his own life. He knew his only choice was to get over Monica, but he also
knew he would have to fool himself. There was no way he could honestly get
over her, he would have to tell himself that he was, in order to not go
The song tuned out and after a few seconds of silence the other song from
"Pretty Woman" that he liked, started to play. It was "It Must Have Been
Love", by Roxette, and Chandler was struck by the irony that the two songs
he liked from the film, both were about heartbreak. He returned his gaze to
Lay a whisper.
On my pillow.
Leave the winter.
On the ground.
I wake up lonely.
A sphere of silence.
In the bedroom.
And all around.
Touch me now.
I close my eyes.
And dream away.
It must have been love.
But it's over now.
It must have been good.
But I lost it somehow.
It must have been love.
But it's over now.
From the moment we touched.
'Till the time had run out.
Chandler kept his eyes on the ocean. He wondered what Monica was doing.
"So I see you've gotten on
the bed already" Pete Becker said, and closed the
Monica's eyes grew wide. She hadn't spoken to Pete in so long, and still he
was there with her now. She shuddered and rose to her feet.
He reached out a glass to her and filled it with wine. Monica stared at it,
then at him.
"Pete, what's going on here?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" Pete asked. "Check this out, this is fine Rioja wine."
"So?" Monica said.
Pete smiled and set his glass and the bottle down. He put his arms around
Monica and kissed her.
"Ouch!" he screamed, and recoiled from her. She had bit his tongue. "What
the hell was THAT for?"
"Who the hell do you think you are?" Monica yelled. "I'm not with you, you
idiot! You're not allowed to kiss me! I know I came here with you, but I
didn't think I was mean to take part in your make-out sessions!"
Pete stared at her. He couldn't make any sense to the situation. Just a few
minutes ago she had been willing, or so he'd thought. Now she was rejecting,
and she was angry.
"Monica, come on now." he said, walking closer to her.
She was acting more like before he had dated her, and not as much as on the
beach party earlier on. But she had been drunk that night. It gave him an
"Have another glass of wine Monica, and I assure you that you will feel
Monica stared at him. Then she threw the wine in the glass in his face, then
the glass itself on the bed.
She ran over to the door and searched for the light switch. It would feel
less scary if the lights were on.
She squinted in the sudden and bright light. Then she quickly decided to get
out of there. She didn't think Pete would lay a hand on her, but he had been
in the Ultimate Fighting Championship so she didn't want to be proven wrong.
"Go to hell Pete" she said, and ran down the stairs, carefully, not to
stumble in her shoes.
Chandler surely wouldn't have
guessed that Monica was running out of Pete's
beach house at the moment. He was busy trying to repress the images his
imagination created. He hoped Monica would know better than to get drunk
again, and he knew that if Pete did anything sexual to her if she got drunk,
then he would not trust himself around Pete anymore. He knew he might loose
control and take out all of his agony on the millionaire.
He closed his eyes hard in pain, and wondered once again why he kept
listening to songs like this one.
It must have been love.
But it's over now.
It was all that I wanted.
Now I'm living without.
It must have been love.
But it's over now.
It's where the water flows.
It's where the wind blows.
Chandler recalled that the
song he'd listened to before "King of Wishful
Thinking" had been "That's Why you Go (Away, I Know)" by Michael Learns To
Rock, yet another ballade about broken hearts and your loved one finding a
new. All he wanted was to shut the music off, he didn't want to hear songs
that reminded him of what he had lost, and how he had lost her.
Chandler had started going through each day since the accident in his mind,
trying to figure out when he'd exactly lost Monica, analysing every
plausible key moment into pieces. But he couldn't make sense of it all. It
seemed so wrong. He'd started this routine about a week earlier, and each
day he managed to think through a couple of days, since he only thought of
the more important moments, and what he could remember in general. Vague
memories were useless to him.
The only thing he hadn't ever thought about was the accident itself. It hurt
way too much to think about it, seeing Monica just seconds after being hit,
being pulled away and taken care of by complete strangers, having to watch
Pete Becker sit there in his car. The accident only entered his mind while
he was sleeping. That lead to numerous nightmares, and the last time he'd
had a good nights sleep was the weekend before the accident, something that
lead to him being constantly tired.
"It Must have Been Love" faded out, and another song by a Swede started to
play after a few seconds of silence. Eric Gadd's "Summer is Here".
Monica ran out of Pete's house
and hurried down to the shoreline. She
stopped for long enough to take her high hells off, then she began to run.
She felt as if she had a large amount of build-up energy that she wanted to
release, and she did so by racing along the surf.
She felt free and relieved. She didn't know exactly when it had happened,
but somewhere during the past evening something had clicked inside of her.
She was no longer afraid or bitter, she had all of a sudden accepted the
cruel twist of fate that had chosen her destiny. She had struggled against
it for so long but not anymore. She knew that there was no way to change
fate. She also knew that trying to battle it, as she had before, only made
She continued to run in the direction of the beach house, feeling so filled
with joy that she wanted to share the emotion with Phoebe, her best friend.
She felt so full of happiness and youth, she felt as if she'd finally found
the last, missing piece of a puzzle and that now she could move on. She
didn't even bother if she would remember her past again, she only knew that
she didn't want to waste the rest of her life trying to fight it.
About ten minutes after she'd
left Pete Becker's house she reached the beach
house that belonged to Phoebe Abbot. She stopped and put her shoes back on,
then she slowly walked up to the house from the surf.
She thought she saw someone sitting on the porch, but she wasn't sure. It
was dark, and it could just be her eyes playing her a trick. The plausible
person didn't move. She could hear music.
Was I ever worried?
Did I ever care?
And now I am sorry.
'Cause those questions should not even be there.
She ran up the few steps on
the porch, and tripped in her high heels when
she reached the top one. A pair of strong arms caught her in the fall, and
she looked right up into a pair of concerned, warm eyes, and she felt
"Chandler!" she whispered as he helped her to her feet. She flew in his
arms, thrilled to see him but at the same time afraid.
Chandler shuddered, unsure of what to make of the situation. All he wanted
was to hold her close, but he couldn't allow himself to be set up for
another one of her tricks.
Monica broke the hug and stared at him. She had found the trigger she needed
to her memory, and it was a silly thing when she thought about it. He had
caught her in her fall, and when he'd done so she'd remembered his voice
saying 'if you ever fall I will catch you'. He had said it to her once when
they were hugging each other after sex and when she remembered that
everything else had come back to her.
Now that she looked into his eyes she felt fear come over her. His eyes were
so filled with heartache and pain, and she knew she was the cause of that.
She had let him down completely, there was no way to ever compensate the
pain and hurting she'd caused him.
Chandler didn't know what to think. He saw a plead for forgiveness and
understanding in her eyes, but he didn't dare to trust it.
"Chandler." she said as he backed away from her, saying his name in a way
that had been so familiar more than a year ago but that now only was a
distant memory of the happiest time of his life.
"Damn it Monica, what do you want?" he asked. "Is this just another trick?"
Monica didn't know what to say. There weren't any words that could soothe
him and take away the pain she'd caused him. The worst part was that she
knew he loved her more than anything else in the world, or he had, for
otherwise the pain would have been easier, not this intense.
Chandler saw her eyes tear, and he also saw something that confused him. The
look in her eyes was so unfamiliar to him now, but it had not always been.
It was the eyes of the old Monica, not the new one.
He reached out his hand, but quickly let it fall again. He remembered very
vividly how she had told him that she thought that you could never forget
the greatest love of all.
'The greatest love you'll never know' he thought as he looked into her eyes.
He couldn't break the gaze, he needed the contact.
Monica didn't know what to do or what to say. She wanted to tell him
everything was just fine, but that was far from the truth. She had burned
"Summer is Here" had ended, "Killing me Softly" was playing instead.
'Ironic' Monica thought. 'That must have been what I've done to him. I might
even have killed his soul this past year, can I live with myself if that's
what I have done?'
Chandler saw something else in her eyes now. Regret and realisation. But was
it for real? He looked deeper into her eyes and only saw what he had seen
when he knew she loved him.
"Monica, you. is it really. I can." he stuttered. Then he sighed. "Monica
don't do this to me again, please don't, please don't set me up again for
one of your tests, I can't TAKE it, please I BEG you just. just leave me
He had backed away further while he talked. Monica slowly walked closer, and
was now standing right in front of him.
Chandler eyed her carefully, trying to come up with something to say, some
way to test her.
"Oh baby I'm so sorry!" she said with tears running down her face, and
hugged him again. And that was all the proof Chandler needed.
"Oh Mon, it IS you!" he said, and hugged her back, desperately clutching
her. "Oh my gosh, it's really you."
"Sweetie?" Monica said. "I can't breathe."
Chandler smiled and easened his embrace. Then the smile died when he saw the
look on Monica's face.
Monica slowly backed away from him and shook her head.
"I am so, so sorry Chandler. I know you've suffered, and I know I'm the
Her voice was barely more than a whisper. She held her hand to her heart and
didn't bother to try and repress the pain. She felt like she deserved it,
how much pain just like that hadn't she given him?
She turned away from him and took her shoes off. She knew for sure that he
was the best man she would ever meet. No one else would have given her a hug
like that even though the pain was so intense. She had lost him now, she
didn't deserve him. She wondered if she ever had. People had always said
that she was out of his league, but the truth was he was way out of hers.
"Monica, what." Chandler said, walking closer.
She turned and looked right into his eyes, tears falling down her cheeks
still. Chandler reached out a hand and dried a few off. She ceased to cry,
the gesture having a calming affect on her.
"Chandler I don't expect you to forgive me" Monica said, breaking the gaze
to look down on her hands instead. "I don't expect you to love me. But I
just want you to know that. that I know what I said to you about forgetting
the one you love." She looked into his eyes again. "But I was wrong. I have
never loved like when I was with you. I want everything that's good in the
world for you." She looked back down on her hands. "Unfortunately that
doesn't include me."
Chandler stared at her. He couldn't believe she would deny him now. Not
after everything he had been through.
It was true that he had suffered enormously thanks to her, but the reason
why it had happened repeatedly was that he hadn't been willing to let go of
the hope. He had waited for this moment for so long, he had known that it
might never come but he hadn't been willing to let it go. And now that the
moment was upon him, she was pushing him away.
"Monica don't you DARE do this to me!" he said, afraid of loosing her when
he'd just gotten her back.
"I am so sorry, I love you so painfully much, all I want is to."
She quieted and bit her bottom lip. She had no intention of forcing him to
feel like he would have to stay with her. She knew she owed him freedom. She
knew she owed him to get to hate her and she was willing to leave New York
forever if that was what he wanted. Anything he wanted would be his, as long
as it was something she could fix. His happiness was her main priority now,
after all she was the one who wrecked it in the first place.
Chandler eyed her. He had noticed her choice of words, and he was sure that
'painfully' meant 'against her will'. He sighed and turned away from her,
walking to the other end of the porch and turning off the tape recorder.
"Chandler?" he could hear her say. "Anything. I will give you anything.
Anything at all that can make up for what I have done to you. I have never
been more sorry for anything in my life. And that's the truth."
Chandler turned and looked at her. Honesty and respect for him shone in her
eyes and he started to wonder what her hidden message was. Did she want to
be with him or not?
"Can I ask you a question, Mon?" he said.
"What do YOU want?"
"Yes, you. I need to know. And after one year of only doubts, agony and
questions, I think I deserve a truthful answer."
Monica had first thought of lying to him, scared of trapping him. But she
realised he was right. And if he wanted the truth she would give it to him.
"I. want to be with you" she said, and noticed that he looked surprised. She
sat down on the chair and moved her gaze from her hands to Chandler, and
back again, over and over as she continued.
"I know it sounds absurd, I mean, how can I even ask for that, huh? After
all you've done for me and gotten so little back, after all the support and
understanding I have found in you that I have simply pushed away and then
used to hurt you." She sighed. "But I never meant to intentionally hurt you
Chandler, you have to believe me when I say that. I sometimes wished I could
but there was always something that kept me from doing so. Maybe it was the
trace of my love for you, I don't know." She sighed again and shrugged her
shoulders. "But it doesn't matter anyhow, right? I mean, I managed to hurt
you pretty much anyway, and after the incident where we kissed and
everything, I didn't really feel bad when I saw you getting hurt. Earlier on
I had always felt bad deep inside, but."
"Monica," Chandler said when she had been quiet for a few seconds, "are you
trying to tell me you weren't out to hurt me?"
Monica closed her eyes in pain of the memory, and of the realisation that he
thought she wanted to hurt him intentionally.
"No honey, I NEVER wanted to hurt you, that was never my goal. I wanted to
test you, I had no recollection of if your lust for me was purely physical
or if it went deeper! You have to remember Chandler, that I could not
remember anything about us, but I had a weird hunch that I know now came
from the time when we just slept together, when sex was all our relationship
was based on."
"But do you remember now?" Chandler asked.
"Yes" she whispered, he barely heard her. She rose from the chair. "And now
I will always have to live with myself for causing you so much heartache.
You know, earlier on tonight I felt so free and independent because I just
knew that I had come to terms with things. I all of a sudden knew better
than to question and challenge my destiny. Now all of that emotion is gone.
Accept is what I'll have to do, but hate myself forever is another thing I
will do." She took a step towards him. "Maybe it's because I hit my head
earlier on tonight, maybe that made me. wake up and realise what I can't
deny any longer. This is my life now, and I can't change that anymore than I
can change what happened to me that day at the road." She paused for a bit.
"But you got your scars that day too, and I only made them worse. Some
Chandler shuddered when she said he had gotten scars too. He'd thought the
almost exact same thing himself once.
"So just." Monica said, continuing her small speech. "Just walk away
Chandler. I can't force you to stay with me, I LOVE you, more than you can
ever realise. But sometimes loving means letting go."
Chandler looked into her eyes again. She had walked closer and was now
standing right in front of him. And her saying goodbye had made him remember
a thought he'd had so many times.
'All she needs to do is say she's sorry' he thought. And she had done that
and so much more. She had taken responsibility for her actions, actions that
he didn't think she could be blamed for. That would be like taking
responsibility for someone else.
He looked at her more closely. He loved her so much he could die for her,
and he now knew she loved him just as much. The pain shone in her eyes, but
she was much stronger than he had been, she was willing to let him go if
only that was what he wanted. His happiness came first. He had not been that
generous with her.
He slowly lingered his arms around her as he quoted a line from her
"I know this love's forever." he said softly. "That's all that matters now
no matter what."
Monica felt like she flooded with love for him, she knew instantly that he
had forgiven her. Chandler reached down and kissed her, softly and tenderly
at first. Then she opened her mouth a little, and he turned it into a French
kiss that build with passion for every second.
He was so afraid in that moment. Afraid he would suddenly wake up to the
sound of her voice coming home, being mad or annoyed with him for some
reason. He didn't dare to believe that he had gotten his Monica back.
"Oh my Monica." he whispered in her hair, and rocked her back and forth. "I
love you so."
"I love you, and I don't ever want to loose you again." she whispered back
and kissed him once again, not ever wanting the moment to end.
They remained out on the porch
for a long time, then Chandler went inside
and called for a cab. They had quickly decided they wanted to go back home.
"I've been away from home long enough" Monica had said. "Plus, this will be
our first night together for so long, we should spend it at home".
Chandler had smiled and agreed, then he'd gone upstairs to fill one of her
bags with half hers and half his stuff. The other things he left for the
rest to take home.
Monica took his hand when the cab arrived. She felt so filled with joy and
she could not believe the incredible luck she'd had. And she was more sure
than ever that they were meant to be. Not even an amnesia and adultery had
been able to keep them apart for more than a year. And she also knew from
the day of the accident, that their love was stronger than death. She had
loved him in the dead.
She looked up and saw Phoebe sitting by the window in Joey's room. She
smiled and waved at her friend, before getting in the cab with the man that