Chandler noticed a new, cold attitude from Phoebe. And at the same time he
noticed that Phoebe had somehow gotten closer to Monica. Bitterly he thought
that Monica was trying to turn everyone against him.
He was seated in the living room, writing in a small book. Once the pages
had been filled with Monica's dainty hand writing, now it was Chandler's.
He'd taken over the story.
He looked up as Ross and Rachel entered. Ross was apparently furious.
"Rachel, you CAN'T tell a woman I've only gone on three dates with that I've
been married three times, last time to you!"
"Why not?" Rachel said, not getting it.
"Because that is something that _I_ should tell her, not you!"
Ross looked up and saw Chandler.
"Go ahead, argue." Chandler said, rising. "I'll be out on taking a walk."
"So what's your excuse?" Ross asked once Chandler was gone.
"I don't need a stupid excuse, I just told her you and I had been married,
what's the big deal?"
"The big deal is that at the same time you told her I'd been married twice
before, that I have a son and that I said the wrong name at the altar once."
"Not a big deal, Ross" Rachel said.
"Okay, fine!"
Ross stormed past her and grabbed the phone.
"What are you doing?" Rachel nervously asked.
"I'm making a phone call, goodbye!"
Ross walked into his room with the phone. Rachel watched him go, and
wondered what was up.

Five minutes later Ross exited his bedroom, holding out the phone for
Rachel.
"It's for you" he said.
"I never heard it ring" Rachel said.
"It didn't. It's Don, he and I just had a little conversation."
Rachel's eyes grew wide.
"About what?"
"Oh, just about stuff that aren't big deals."
He handed her the phone.

Thirty minutes later Rachel ran into Monica upstairs. Monica was dressing
for a date. Rachel didn't really know if she could talk to Monica about
this, but there was nobody else around, except for Ross.
"Well, guess what Mon?"
"We've landed on the moon?" Monica asked, putting on earrings.
"No, that was ages ago."
Monica spun around to look at Rachel, sighing.
"Yes I know that, I was making a joke."
"Well Don broke up with me."
"He did?"
"Yeah."
Rachel sat down on Monica's bed and waited for her to ask why. Monica said
nothing.
"And it's all your stupid brother's fault!" Rachel said, hoping to get a few
words out of Monica.
"Sounds like you're blaming anyone else but yourself" was Monica's comment.
"Excuse me?"
Rachel felt offended.
"I'll let you know Mon, that just 'cause I told Ma. Ma. what's her name?"
"It's Maxine" Monica said, yawned and put the gold necklace with a small
heart hanging from it around her neck.
"Right. Maxine. I told her about how Ross and I were married and so Ross
told that and something else I don't know what it was to Don over the phone.
So Don broke up with me."
"As I said, it was your fault."
"Monica!" Rachel shrieked. "Come on, be on my side here, huh?"
"Don't think so." Monica said, rose and walked over to the closet.
"Why not?" Rachel asked. "No, doesn't matter. I don't care. I'm gonna go get
Ross to break up with Maxine, she's not good for him!"
Monica spun around and eyed Rachel.
"Can't you hear how you sound?" Monica asked.
"What?" Rachel asked back.

That night Chandler sat out on the porch, staring into the dark sky.
"So what's your excuse for trying to bring on an pneumonia?" Phoebe asked,
walking up to him.
"I thought you didn't speak to me." Chandler replied.
"I speak to you." Phoebe said. "And if you think I don't then maybe that's
'cause you don't listen."
"Fair enough."
Phoebe watched him for a couple of seconds. Although she was mad at him she
didn't want him to get sick or anything. But she clearly new that if there
was anymore trouble between him and Monica, she would be on Monica's side.
She was more or less the only confidante Monica had, and she didn't want her
friend to loose that. Not now when she'd finally had a breakthrough.
"So how come you're out here?" she asked.
"No reason, really. I went out for a walk, and when I came back I couldn't
find anyone except for Ross and Rachel, who were arguing. Monica's out on a
date, you've just come home and Joey's out finding a bed to warm."
Phoebe sighed. It didn't look like she was going to find any pleasant
company this evening.
"Are you just gonna sit here forever?" she asked.
"Yeah. Or maybe I'll go swimming."
"In the middle of the night? Chandler there could be sharks!"
"I know" Chandler replied. "If I'm lucky I'll run into them."
Phoebe shuddered at his words, and hoped he was sarcastic.
"Well. have fun." she said, not knowing what else to tell him. "I think I'll
just go out and see if I can join Joey at some club or whatever. See you
later."
She then left.

Rachel and Ross had been arguing for about ten minutes. Rachel was mad at
Ross, but he was just as mad at her. And she kept remembering some of the
things Monica had told her earlier that day.
Monica had ended up getting furious with her, and that apparently was a good
thing for her, since she'd remembered allot of details whilst yelling. It
was not as good for Rachel, though, who got to hear exactly what her old
friend thought and felt.
"How come you hate Ross so much?" Monica had asked her.
"I don't hate him!" Rachel had defended herself.
"No? Then how come you keep doing this to him?"
Rachel looked at Ross, who was about as mad with her as his sister had been
earlier.
"What's the matter with you Rach?" he yelled. "This was a girl I really
liked, and you just couldn't help but ruin it."
Rachel glared at him.
"Let me see here, I think I remember YOU ruining things for Don and me!"
"Okay, I admit that" Ross said. "But on the other hand, you've ruined
affairs for me a dozen times."
Rachel shuddered. Monica had said a similar thing, seeming to remember more
and more the more she yelled.
"You broke him and Julie up, you happily caused him to cheat on her!" Monica
had said. "And the same thing when he was dating Bonnie! But when you two
were dating the world's greatest sin was to cheat on you. And when he
started going out with Emily you were okay with it, but then you became
single yourself and all of a sudden Emily was the worst person in the world
for Ross. Didn't you have something to do with ruining his wedding day? And
as soon as Ross has been single again, you've dumped him!"
"Rach, hello?" Ross asked, snapping his fingers in front of Rachel.
"Oh, sorry!" Rachel said, returning to the fight she was currently in.
"You know, you just keep getting weirder and weirder." Ross said.

Outside, Chandler was staring blankly on the sea. The radio next to him was
now playing a song by the Beatles. It was getting colder, but he didn't
notice. He tried not to think of the fact that Monica hadn't seemed to have
missed him at all, each night when he returned from the city. He wondered if
she'd even notice if he decided to stay in Manhattan until his work was
finished.
The Beatles song ended, and Chandler noticed that he didn't recognize the
next song played. He sighed, felt sick of listening to music he didn't even
like. He leaned over and placed one of the tapes lying next to the radio in
the tape recorder, and pressed 'play'. Guns N' Roses's  "November Rain"
filled his ears, and he leaned back with a sigh.
At the same time, Monica arrived with her date for the evening. They
stumbled down on the beach, laughing hysterically.
'My gosh, is she drunk?' Chandler thought. He hadn't seen her drunk even
once since the accident.
But Monica was not drunk. She'd had only one drink to dinner, but she felt
almost drunk. She hadn't laughed like that for months. She kicked off her
shoes and raced down to the shoreline, her date, Jake, following soon
behind.
Monica leaned in and whispered something in his ear. Jake nodded and they
started to laugh again. Monica took his hand and continued down towards the
shoreline, stopping about 35 feet from the surf.
Chandler carefully eyed them from his chair on the porch. "November Rain"
still played in the background, Axl Rose had now begun to sing.

When I look into your eyes.
I can see a love restrained.
But darling when I hold you.
Don't you know I feel the same?

'Cause nothing lasts forever.
And we both know odds can change.
And it's hard to hold the candle.
In the cold November rain.

We've been through this such a long, long time.
Just trying to kill the pain.

But lovers always come and lovers always go.
And no one's really sure who's letting to today.
Walking away.

If we could take the time to lay it on the line.
I could rest my head.
Just knowing that you were mine.
All mine.

So if you want to love me.
Then darling don't refrain.
Or I'll just end up walking.
In the cold November rain.

Do you need some time. on your own.
Do you need some time. all alone.
Everybody needs some time. on their own.
Don't you know you need some time. all alone.

I know it's hard to keep an open heart.
When even friends seem out to harm you.
But if you could heal the broken heart.
Wouldn't time be out to charm you.

Chandler saw while listening to Axl Rose sing, how Jake took out a blanket
from a sac he was carrying. He laid it on the sand, for him and Monica to
sit on. The next thing that Chandler noticed was that Monica didn't SIT down
on the blanket. She LAY down. Next to Jake. Monica and Jake started to make
out about at the same time as the instrumental bit played. Chandler closed
his eyes. He didn't want to see.
The instrumental verse was long, and Chandler couldn't keep from opening his
eyes again before it was over. He wished he hadn't. The couple on the
blanket were really getting into it, the kisses got deeper and deeper with
every second.
'It should be me that she kisses like that.' Chandler thought. 'It's
supposed to be me. Why can't Monica see that?'

Sometimes I need some time. on my own.
Sometimes I need some time. all alone.
Everybody needs some time. on their own.
Don't you know you need some time. all alone.

The next instrumental verse was not as long. And this time Monica sat up for
some reason, and started talking. Chandler could see Jake answer her, and
Monica laughed at Jake's comment. Chandler didn't want to know what he had
said.
'I used to make you laugh.' he thought. 'Now you won't even let me give you
that.'

And when your fear subside.
And shadows still remain.
I know that you can love me.
When there's no one left to blame.
So never mind the darkness.
We still can find a way.
Nothing lasts forever.
Even cold November rain.

While listening to the verse, Chandler closed his eyes in pain. It came over
him like a tide wave, he knew he was in no way strong enough to loose
Monica, to let her go. But he was powerless to stop her from making out with
other men on the beach. And Joey was right, he would forgive her whatever
she did, he had even forgiven her the evil trick she'd played on him earlier
on. He could forgive her everything, there was only one exception to that
rule.
As the song started to cling off he noticed Monica and Jake getting to their
feet, and kissing for a while, standing up.
He noticed that it was the long version of the song, and as the song faded
up again he saw Monica and Jake head down for the water. He remembered his
thoughts earlier on, and he also remembered the opening scene from "Jaws".
There was no way he was going to let Monica into the water at night time,
especially not when she might be drunk.
He rose and hurried down the porch steps.

Don't ya' think that you need somebody.
Don't ya' think that you need someone.
Everybody needs someone.
You're not the only one.
You're not the only one.

Chandler felt angry now. She was acting irresponsible, and she was acting
immature. He hurried over to her and Jake, and noticed that she was in the
middle of unbuttoning her shirt.
"Chandler!" she exclaimed when she saw him. Then her eyes went dark. "What
are you doing here, go away!"
Chandler didn't listen. He grabbed her by the arm, almost brutally.
"What are you DOING? You're gonna bruise my arm!" Monica yelped.
"Hey dude, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Jake said, apparently
eager to play the role of the knight in shining armour.
"This is my 'friend'" Monica said, with despise in her tone. "And he's got
certain issues."
Chandler completely ignored her angry tone, and her attempts to squirm out
of his hold. He turned to Jake.
"You. Take a hike. Leave. Beat it. You understand?"
"I think YOU should take a hike and beat it" Jake replied. "Now let her go!"
"Sorry" Chandler hissed. "But my girlfriend and I have a few things to talk
about."
He didn't even reflect upon the fact that he called her his girlfriend.
Monica did though, she stopped squirming and stared at him, obviously
displeased.
"What in the--" she began, but Jake clearly believed Chandler, he had such a
force in his eyes that Jake didn't date not to. He'd already turned and
left.
"See now what you did?" Monica yelled at Chandler. "What the hell is the
MATTER with you?"
Chandler didn't reply. He dragged her with him back to the house.

Rachel and Ross were still fighting, but Rachel had lost the spark in her
arguments. She felt like it was too much to hear Ross's arguments, they were
so much like the ones his sister had said earlier on, only Monica had been
more direct and more clear. Ross was mostly going on and on about how Rachel
had ruined his marriage with Emily, and Monica hadn't talked too much about
that.
"Ross, give it up!" Rachel sighed, wanting to take the fight to another
course than weather or not she was responsible for breaking him and Emily
up.
"Rach." Ross said, calming down a bit. "Do you even know what you want? Do
you even want to be with me? Or is it just your idea of the world, that you
can be happy and I can't?"
"I. don't think that's really fare" Rachel muttered.
"Oh don't YOU talk about fare!" Ross hissed at her. "Did you know that I
would have lived a very happy life if Monica had thrown you out when you
decided to move in with her?"
Rachel recoiled. He was going too far now. She could not be blamed for his
life being screwed up.
"That is NOT true, how can you even SAY that?" she cried, feeling the tears
coming.
"I would have been happy! With Julie, Bonnie, Emily or someone else!"
"Hey, if it weren't for me you wouldn't even have MET Emily!" Rachel
screamed. "And if you hadn't been so obsessed with the idea of getting
married, you two would probably have been together now, possibly even
married!"
Ross looked at her. Her arguments were thin, but she was part right. He
couldn't blame everything on her, but he could blame her for allot.
"Rachel. Do you even want to be with me?" he asked her again. "Did you EVER
want to be with me? For who I AM, not just because I was a person you
couldn't have, 'cause I was with Julie."
"Yes, I DID want to be with you" she said, knowing it wasn't really true.
She wasn't even in love with Ross when they got together. She liked him a
bit, because she knew he liked her. And it was a challenge to get him when
he was dating Julie. She had realized soon after he broke up with Julie that
she wasn't feeling enough for him to date him. And that's why she allowed
herself to get so upset over the list he'd written. It was an easy way out.
But when she'd seen what he'd almost done for her on her prom night, she'd
decided to give him a chance. And with time she had fallen for him, and
loved him. And she had missed him after they broke up. But she had been
refusing to admit it, even to herself, that she didn't know anymore if she
wanted to be with him, or if she just didn't want him to be happy with
someone.
The new person that Monica was had seen right through her, though. She
didn't have any recollection of hanging out with Rachel for years, so she
had nothing that kept her from seeing the truth. And she had told Rachel
exactly what she'd felt and thought.
"You are such a two-faced bitch sometimes, do you know that?" she'd said.
"You gladly get Ross to cheat on women left and right, but when it comes to
you then god help the person who cheats. I think you should have let the
whole Ross-sleeping-with-someone-else thing go by, because you've encouraged
him to cheat before!"
"Monica?" Rachel had asked. "How come you know all of that?"
Monica had shrugged her shoulders and then continued to yell. Rachel had
tried to fake-cry to get some sympathy, but Monica had seen right through
that too.
"Okay, here's the deal Rach" Ross said, bringing Rachel's attention back to
the present. "If you want to be with me. then okay. We can be together. And
if you don't then we won't be together."
"What, just like that?" Rachel asked.
"Yes, it doesn't have to be any harder than we make it" Ross said, now calm.
"Look." he continued. "I know we've had our ups and downs, our ons and offs.
And I never thought it could be as simple for us as a simple yes or no. But
it is. Look at Monica and Chandler. Look at what's happened with them.
Chandler adores my sister, and beyond this amnesia thing I'm sure she loves
him too. But they can never make it work again, Monica has changed too
much." He paused and walked closer to Rachel. "Compared to that, have we
ever had any problems? I know I slept with Chloe, but don't you think you've
paid me back? You ruined my marriage, for crying out loud! And you've ruined
other relationships for me as well. Rachel, what I did to you that night has
been cancelled out about ten times already. So now all that's left is a
simple question. Do you want to be with me or not?"
Rachel looked at him. She wanted to say yes, but she couldn't. She wasn't
sure if this was the man she wanted to spend her life with. Deep down
inside, he was still just Monica's geeky older brother to her.
"Sorry" she whispered, shaking her head. "I just. Well, with this whole
thing with Don. I just. I don't think I'm ready to just throw myself into
another relationship."
"Do you want to be with me or not?" Ross repeated, a bit more forcefully.
"No" Rachel whispered, and hoped he could read in her eyes that she wasn't
sure. That she needed time to think. But she just felt like she couldn't say
it.
She remembered how the fight with Monica had ended. Rachel had quietly
started to cry for real, and Monica had noticed it. She'd walked up to
Rachel and put an arm around her shoulders, comforting her.
"Remember one thing Rach." she'd said. "If you love my brother than
everything is going to work out okay. If you were meant to be there is
nothing that can keep you apart for a longer time."
'Like you and Chandler' Rachel had come close to answering. But instead
she'd given Monica a hug and left.
Now that she was looking into Ross's eyes, she thought about those words
from his sister. Was she meant to be with Ross? Was is supposed to feel this
way if she was?
She had always thought Monica and Chandler had been a wonderful couple, and
now it struck her that she'd also thought of them as meant to be. There was
a love that shone in their eyes whenever they looked at each other, or spoke
of each other. Had she ever had that love in her eyes with Ross? Had the
mere mentioning of his name caused her to light up? Had she ever felt for
him what Monica and Chandler felt for each other?
Then she wondered if she and Ross had really been that great. They always
fought. The only real difference between when they were together and after
they'd broken up, was that the fights never really ended, there was more
hurt, and they didn't sleep together. That was the only larger differences
she could think of.
"Ross, I don't know" she said low, looking into his eyes still. "What do YOU
want?"
"I'm not sure what I feel for you anymore" Ross answered. "I've realized
since we broke up that I can hate you just as much as I can love you. But
I'm willing to give us one more try. I'm willing to find out if we can make
it work, if we can be together for the rest of our lives. I know we would
fight, but we do that either way, so I'm willing to try. It's all up to
you."
"I can't" Rachel said low, almost whispering. "I'm so sorry, but right now I
just can't."
She walked away from him. His voice stopped her when she reached the door.
"Hey Rach!"
Rachel turned and looked into his eyes again.
"This was your last chance. Never more. We won't be together again."
With that ringing in her ears, she left his bedroom and headed for her own.
And she knew he had told her the truth. Never again means never again. Their
rocky relationship had finally reached it's end. For good this time.

"Let GO of me, you can't DO this, let me BE!" Monica yelled as Chandler
dragged her towards the house.
He ignored her completely and ascended up the porch stairs and shut of the
music as he passed by the radio. Then he dragged her inside.
"Chandler stop it, what the hell is the MATTER with you?" Monica cried, but
Chandler didn't make a face.
"Come on now, why did you do that for? What, is it some sort of sick game
you play, trying to keep me from having fun?"
Monica continued to yell at him as they passed the kitchen and he lead her
angrily towards the stairs. But it was just as if he couldn't hear a single
word she was saying. He had decided not to get into another fight with her,
so he thought it was best to pretend as if he didn't care about what she was
saying.
"Chandler you are hurting me, LET ME GP!" Monica continued, trying to squirm
out of his grip but not succeeding. "Who the hell do you think you are? You
can't DO this to me, leave me ALONE! Okay, you are letting me go RIGHT NOW!"
Chandler was leading her forcefully towards the stairs, clinging his teeth.
"Let me go, who do you think you are?"
'Someone who cares so much about you' Chandler thought, but he kept his
mouth shut. He let go of her arm though, and she instantly started rubbing
it. Chandler placed a hand on her shoulder and wanted to try and calm her
down a bit.
"This is practically KIDNAPPING, you are denying me the right to do what I
wish, let me go, let me GO! And get out of my way, you're blocking the
stairs!"
'Shut up' Chandler thought. 'Shut up or Ross and Rachel might hear you!'
"I really hate you for not letting me live my own life, let GO of me, I am
NOT yours to decide over. Haven't you realized that I've DUMPED you?"
'That's it, I won't take no more of this!' Chandler thought. He quickly
removed his hand from her shoulder and started to climb the stairs. But
apparently Monica wasn't finished yelling. She followed him up the stairs.
"I don't know what the hell is wrong with you!" she said. "All I ever hear
is 'Monica, you're so different. Monica do you remember anything? Monica
stop acting the way you do. Monica what's happened to you?'. When are you
gonna let it sink in to your idiot brain that this is who I AM now? You
can't chance me at your wish, you can't control me, I'm NOT your
marionette!"
By now they'd reached the top of the stairs. Monica still had allot of
things left to say.
"And you are PATHETIC to think I would love you, when you showed me earlier
on that all your after is a few hours of sex!"
Monica saw instantly that she'd hit right on target. Chandler had stopped
when she'd spoken, and she could tell just by looking at his shoulders and
his hands that he was clenched. Monica smiled victoriously and crossed her
arms.
"Yeah, that's what this is all about, isn't it?" she smiled, with an evil
tone. "That's what it's all about, you think I still love you. Don't you?"
Chandler said nothing. He didn't even turn to look at her. He'd reacted and
she'd noticed.
The worst part was that she was right. He did think she loved him, deep down
inside. And he had begun to wonder if she was consciously controlling
weather or not she would recover from her amnesia, controlling it so that
she could use it as an excuse. As long as she had the amnesia she wouldn't
have to face what she'd done, how she'd acted. She wouldn't have to beg for
forgiveness, even though Chandler knew that one simple 'I'm sorry' would be
enough.
"Oh my gosh," Monica laughed, "you seriously believe I love you." She
continued to laugh slightly for a few seconds and then she continued,
sounding amused. "You know, you are so self secure. And self involved. I
don't even think YOU love ME! And as far as me loving YOU goes." She shook
her head, and all of a sudden became serious. "You know I can't remember
you. You know that as far as I'm concerned, you're just some slime ball who
might have been just looking out for me at first, who maybe just cared and
that was it. But I know that now you don't care about my mind or soul, you
just care about getting my body, preferably in a bed."
'I must be some sort of masochist,' Chandler thought, 'for continuing to
listen to this. For not leaving. My gosh, does she have any idea how much
she's hurting me right now?'
But if Monica knew, she didn't care. She wasn't through talking now either.
"You all tell me I loved you before. That you were the love of my life, or
something like that. And you believe that? Yes, of course you do. You know
what though.?" Monica sighed and sounded sad all of a sudden. "I have no
memory whatsoever of loving you. I'm sorry Chandler, but I don't. To me,
you've never been a person I've been in love with. And you know what I
think?"
"_I_ think I've heard enough of your thoughts" Chandler said, but he didn't
turn around to look at her.
"Watch it, don't get me angry again!" Monica said warningly, and held up a
warning finger, even though he couldn't see it.
"Just tell me whatever the hell it is you feel like laying on me, and then I
can go back to my room and forget I ever bothered to care about you"
Chandler said, wondering if the words would hurt her. He both hoped they
would and that she wouldn't be hurt. He wanted to pay her back for all she'd
put him through, but at the same time he didn't want her to suffer anymore.
She'd had her fare share.
"Monica are you mad at me for not being the one who was in that accident?"
he asked out of the blue, as the thought came over him.
"I'm confused" Monica said. "Who the hell was talking about the damn
accident?"
"_I_ was!" Chandler informed her, turning around to face her.
"And once again it is ALL about you!" Monica hissed. "Get real Chandler, I
don't care what the hell you did the day I was in the accident! As long as
you weren't the one who hit me, you could have been short-sheeting the Dalai
Lama for all I care!"
Chandler watched her for a second. He'd just thought he'd found the answer
to her angry behaviour towards him, that she was mad at him deep inside for
being totally okay after crossing the road that day, while she ended up
nearly dead and then with amnesia. But the look on her face and the honesty
in her voice told him he was on the wrong track. Again.
"Sorry Mon" he muttered.
"Yeah, 'sorry Mon', I guess that makes up for destroying my evening" Monica
sarcastically said.
'And what about all you've destroyed for me?' Chandler asked her in his
thoughts. But he felt afraid to say what he was thinking of to the Monica in
front of him. The new Monica, the weird Monica. The Monica who apparently
didn't see how anyone could love him.
"Is there more, or can I go on?" Monica asked, annoyed.
"Go right ahead and yell at me" Chandler sarcastically replied.
"I hate sarcastic men" Monica hissed back. "But that's not what I was going
to say. What I was going to say, was that if I should believe all of you
guys, I loved you VERY much."
Chandler closed his eyes and wished she had said only the last part, and in
present.
"But Chandler, you just tell me this." Monica's voice got sharper. "If I
loved you all that much, how come I remember none of it now? How come I
can't find the slightest feeling of love for you, no matter how hard I
search inside of me?"
Chandler closed his eyes harder, he felt like he needed to throw up.
"I seriously believe, that you can forget everything there is to forget.
except for the greatest love of all." Monica continued, not very soft now
either. "If you love someone, TRULY love someone, with your heart, your
body, your mind, your soul, your LIFE. then how is it possible to completely
forget about it? THAT'S what makes me so sure I didn't love you before all
of this happened. Maybe I told you I did, how should I know? But I didn't
mean it like you must have thought I did. If I loved you as much as you all
say. then no accident or amnesia in the world could change that. Goodnight
Chandler."
After that, she went inside her room and closed the door.
Chandler could hardly breathe. He managed to get back to his room, but well
there he sank down to the floor instantly. He forced himself to get up on
his feet again, and he walked over to the bed and fell down on it.
He had only felt this terrible once before in his life, the day Monica was
in the accident. But now he had to doubt if he'd gone through all of this
pain for nothing. For someone who never ever loved him really. But how could
she have stayed with him if she didn't love him?
Chandler silently hit his fist against the pillows, a few tears fell down
his cheeks. And he could barely breathe.
Was she right? Had she never loved him like he'd thought? There was no way
he would ever know. The only one who would have held the answers was Monica,
and she couldn't remember. But was it really possible that he'd never known
her at all?
He glanced over to her diary, that lay in his backpack. He'd never read it,
he just kept it with him always. The answer could be in there, but could he
really disrespect the Monica he had thought he'd known, the Monica he gladly
would have given his life for? Could he really read her diary? Even though
the person was no longer the same, the person that she once was still
existed inside that diary.
Chandler shook his head. No, her diary was not an option, he owed the Monica
who had been his roommate, lover and friend not to look through her private
things, not to read her private thoughts.
'Monica, Monica, why does it have to be this way?' he thought, staring at
the ceiling. 'I wish I would never have had a reason to doubt you and your
love like I do now. I wish I could have gotten the chance to love you as
much as I possibly could, even if you never loved me the same way.'
Chandler knew for sure that she had been in love with him. She wasn't the
type of woman that would stay with someone she wasn't in love with. But he'd
thought her love for him went beyond anything else. Now he wasn't so sure.
Maybe she'd only loved him enough to want to live with him. That was not bad
in itself, but Chandler wanted so much more. He'd thought she loved him so
much more than that. And he realized that weather or not she'd actually
loved him as much as he'd loved her, he would prefer to think she did, and
never wonder if she did not.
Chandler glanced over to the diary again.
'Did you really love me as much as I want to believe, Monica?' he thought.
'The answer is in there. But can I ever really forgive myself if I read it?'
 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: To any Ross and Rachel fan who might have read this, no
offence. and I guess I'd have to say the same to the Chandler and Monica
fans, lol.