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I'm Anna and this is my second fanfic. It has nothing to do with the first one, it's my own version of the season finally, based on the spoilers I've heard. I've written a continuation, but I'm really unsure about it, so if you wanna read what happens next then please, mail me and let me know... and if you have any suggestions then I'd be more than happy to hear 'em. Since I heard they were gonna be in Cornwall, I decided to throw in a few characters from Catherine Alliot's books "The Old-Girl Network" and "Going too Far", so they are borrowed. And really different from how they act in the books.
Anyhow, I would really apprichiate feedback, so please send it to annapanna__@hotmail.com (that's two udnerlines... kinda' tricky...) Anyway, enough of my chatter, here's the fic.
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[Opening Scene]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s. Everybody’s there with suitcases]

CHAN: So Phoebs, how does it feel to be officially on one of our trips to England?

PHOE: Good. Although Las Vegas would have been nice to visit again.

MNCA: [stressed] You guys, no time for useless chatter! Our plane leaves in four hours we need to get going!

CHAN: Mon, relax, it’s not like we’re WALKING to the airport.

JOEY: Besides, we need to wait for the duck sitter to come by, we can’t leave the chick and the duck alone.

PHOE: By the way Joey, my mom expects a great favour in return.

JOEY: I’ll remember that.

CHAN: She expects a great favour from someone who control counted his ears every day for two months and noted the results in a black book?

JOEY: You knew about that?

ROSS: Come on, let’s just get moving.

MNCA: Exactly, good Ross, we need to get moving, have you made sure you all have your passports?

RACH: Right!

JOEY: Damn it!

[They both run off to get their passports]

MNCA: Rachel!

RACH: [returning] Mon, I need to go get my passport!

MNCA: Don’t worry, you left it here when you left, I’ve got it.

CHAN: Yes, and I--

JOEY: [enters with a scream] My passport is gone!

CHAN: [finishing his sentence] And I got Joey’s.

MNCA: [touched] Aww, you are such an order-guy. [kisses him]

ROSS: And if I’m gonna have to watch THAT all the way to London airport then I’ll puke.

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: The airport. The guys are getting the tickets and checking in the luggage. Rachel is checking her makeup in a tiny mirror and Monica is showing Phoebe her time schedule]

MNCA: [pointing something out] So if we catch a cab exactly when we leave the airport then we might be able to leave London according to schedule, even if the flight gets delayed.

CHAN: This is gonna be a loooooong trip.

JOEY: Yeah, especially for you, you have to sit next to her.

ROSS: [takes the tickets] Okay, we’ve got the tickets. Monica. [hands her hers] Chandler. [hands him his] Phoebe. [she takes her] Joey. [hands him his] Me. [pockets it] Rachel. [pause] Rachel?

MNCA: [firm] Rach!

RACH: [startled] What?

ROSS: Your ticket.

RACH: Oh. [takes it] Let’s just hope I’m in a window seat.

MNCA: [notices something] Hey, wait a minute, my ticket says 13B, Chandler’s says 15C!

ROSS: So you have a bad luck number, no big deal.

CHAN: No, but we’re not sitting together.

ROSS: [sarcasm] Such a shame.

PHOE: [drags Monica away] Come on Mon, you can come with me to the duty-free.

MNCA: I don’t wanna go to the duty-free.

RACH: I do.

JOEY: Sorry Rach, I think you’d better go and weigh your carry-on if you want to be let on board.

RACH: What, why?

JOEY: ‘Cause I think it’s to heavy.

[He points out to a medium-sized duffle bag that looks like you couldn’t stuff another item in there]

[Cut to: The duty-free]

[Phoebe and Monica are shopping some candy]

PHOE: M&M’s for the take-off, Toblerone for the first three hours, vine gums for the last three hours and… [thinks] a chocolate bar for the landing.

MNCA: You’re gonna spoil your appetite completely.

PHOE: [thinks] You’re right. [puts the Toblerone back, serious] I need to make room for the flight meal, I LOVE the flight meal.

MNCA: What about liquor, you want some of that?

PHOE: No, I can get that on the plane, right?

MNCA: [smiles] Yeah, but you can’t smuggle it across the boarder.

PHOE: I know what I want to get!

MNCA: What?

PHOE: An M&M alarm clock! [holds one up]

MNCA: [at a loss] Nice…

PHOE: Although, maybe a stuffed animal would be better.

MNCA: A stuffed M&M?

PHOE: No, one of these dolphins! [holds one up]

MNCA: Okay, I’m gonna keep a close eye on you throughout this flight.

PHOE: [smiles] And while you do that I’ll be keeping a close eye on a sexy steward’s-butt.

[Chandler enters and puts an arm around Monica’s waist]

CHAN: [joking] So, you fillin’ up on Raki?

MNCA: [picking up the joke] Uh-hu, 75% to be exact.

CHAN: This is gonna be a fun trip.

MNCA: [slightly depressed] I doubt it, now that we got seated far from each other.

CHAN: Well, who’s your boyfriend, huh? [holds up his ticket to show her] Traded with Rachel.

MNCA: [looks at it] Great, Chandler how did you manage to do THAT?

CHAN: I had a window-seat. She had an aisle-seat. Easier than trading

clothes with a hobo.

MNCA: And I suppose you’ve tried that, huh?

PHOE: _I_ have.

[Cut to: On board]

[Chandler, Monica and Phoebe are in their seats. They’re seated just like when they went to Vegas, only Phoebe’s by the window and Chandler’s by the aisle. Chandler’s reaching to see]

CHAN: I think Joey’s giving me some kind of message… [pause] Yeah, it was a message.

[Phoebe’s opening her bag of M&M’s]

MNCA: Phoebs? Be careful with that. You wouldn’t want the bag to open to hard and the candy to fly out all over the seats, would you?

PHOE: Actually I think that could be rather cool.

CHAN: For all of our sakes, please don’t Phoebe.

MNCA: Thank you Chandler.

CHAN: Don’t thank ME, I’m just trying to prevent this flight turning into a six hour long monologue from your side on how you hate having candy all over your seat.

MNCA: All of a sudden you’re so much un-cuter than two minutes ago.

PHOE: So guys, did you read the flight guide yet, do you know where all the emergency exits are?

CHAN: Uhm, no Phoebs.

PHOE: Okay, all right, but if this plane crashes down to the North Atlantic and half the people on board die then you’ll be sorry.

[Chandler quickly snatches the sheet from the chair in front of him]

[Cut to: Ross and Joey]

JOEY: And it’s gonna be so COOL to be in Cornwall. I’ve never been there. Ever. I’ve barely even been to England! And this great, big house is all mine. I’m gonna call it “Joey Manors”. And I’m gonna get five of those girls that walk around in old fashion dresses, you know those long ones with big cleavages that have crinolines.

ROSS: I’m switching seats with Phoebe if you don’t shut up before I count to ten.

JOEY: [thinks] Okay, so that gives me what, ten seconds or something like that?

ROSS: I just hope we get out of London soon enough, I don’t want to risk running into Emily.

JOEY: Don’t worry, she would never dress up in one of those dresses I just talked about so there’s no chance I’m inviting her to the ranch.

ROSS: It’s a big house.

JOEY: And?

ROSS: A big house is not a ranch.

JOEY: Well maybe not where YOU come from.

[Cut to: Chandler, Monica and Phoebe]

[It’s a few hours later. Chandler’s asleep on Monica’s shoulder. Monica and Phoebe are playing cards]

PHOE: Okay, so now I want all of your sixes.

MNCA: Go fish.

[Phoebe reaches into the M&M bag and takes a card]

MNCA: You know, keeping the cards there REALLY freaks me out.

PHOE: Oh come on Monica, you need to relax a little. Live vicariously. That’s what I’M planning on doing this week.

MNCA: That may be what YOU plan on doing, I’M planning on taking things easy. The least time I went on a vacation and lived a little vicariously I wounded up with HIM. [nods at Chandler] And taking him in to London for our anniversary is wild enough for me.

PHOE: You know what you should do?

MNCA: No.

PHOE: You should, like, totally get the room you had at the hotel, you know, the room where you first slept together.

MNCA: Cute idea Phoebs, but I think we actually first slept together in a bathroom in the lobby… that could just have been a dream, though.

PHOE: You’d better wake love boy up, here comes lunch.

[Monica makes a noise as if she’s disgusted. Phoebe gathers the deck and Monica shakes Chandler awake]

CHAN: [tired] You know, when we’re at this holiday, you’re not gonna wake me up like this all the time, are you? ‘Cause in that case I’d rather go back home.

MNCA: It’s the food.

CHAN: [sits up straight] Oh…

[Cut to: Ross and Joey]

[They have just been served. Joey grabs a few vegetables from Ross’s dish, plus his bread]

ROSS: [annoyed] HEY!

JOEY: Oh. Here. [gives him back a tomato]

[Cut to: Rachel]

[She’s opened her serving. A stewardess walks by]

RACH: Excuse me miss, hello there?

STEWARDESS: Is there a problem?

RACH: Yes, see this food is CLEARLY [chuckles] just a bad joke or something, so could I see the real menu, please? Oh, and do you have the lobster?

[The stewardess walks away with no intention of bringing Rachel what she asked for]

[Cut to: Chandler, Monica & Phoebe]

[Chandler and Monica look disgusted. Phoebe’s eating without problem]

PHOE: Do you want that, or can I just take it?

MNCA: Go ahead.

CHAN: You take it.

[They hand their meals to Phoebe]

[Cut to: A minivan]

[Chandler’s driving, with Monica in the front seat with him (the middle one) and Joey also in the front. Monica looks half asleep. Rachel, Ross and Phoebe are in the middle seat. The backseat is filled with bags as well as the trunk]

CHAN: Are you SURE this is the right way?

JOEY: Positive.

PHOE: I don’t know… I haven’t seen many cows yet.

JOEY: There’s GOTTA be more to Cornwall than just COWS! What about all the beautiful ladies?

RACH: What beautiful ladies?

JOEY: The ones with the old fashioned dresses!

RACH: [laughs superiorly] Joey, honey, out here EVERYTHING’S old fashioned. [sits back]

ROSS: Yeah, well if that’s the case, then how come the entire backseat is filled with YOUR suitcases?

RACH: What, always be prepared, boy scouts’ motto!

CHAN: Mon, stay awake, you might have to help me find the right way.

MNCA: [tired] Well if you’re going to the town Gweek you just made a wrong turn.

JOEY/CHAN: Damn it!

[We see the minicab stopping and backing until they get on to the right road. We go back inside the cab]

CHAN: See? Told ya’ I’d be needing your help.

[Cut to: A driveway]

[The minivan comes driving up. The camera cuts to inside the van. Phoebe and Monica are asleep. Rachel’s combing her hair and the guys are ready to get out]

CHAN: Okay, last stop, final exit, everybody out. And girlfriends and friends of girlfriends wake up.

[They exit the car, Monica still very sleepy. She takes a good look at the house and turns to Joey]

MNCA: I thought you said this place was a MANSION.

PHOE: [grabbing a suitcase] No he didn’t, he said it was a RANCH.

MNCA: This is NEITHER.

[The camera cuts and shows a very old, two floored building with dusty windows and a garden in terrible shape. The house looks like it’s in a bad shape too]

RACH: Okay, you know what, just drive me to the nearest hotel, all right?

JOEY: What are you guys TALKING about, this place is a BEAUTY!

CHAN: Sure… pure beauty… if your BLACK Beauty.

[They grab their bags and slowly walk up to the house]

MNCA: You know what, I think I might have a stroke or something.

CHAN: Oh no you won’t.

[She takes a step up to the house (I should imagine this house has a few steps), Chandler holds out a hand like a cop holding someone back]

CHAN: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Let me go inside first and then I’ll determine weather or not it’s clean enough for you to go inside.

MNCA: Okay.

CHAN: You stay out here, all right?

MNCA: All right.

CHAN: Okay. [He goes up the stairs and is just about to open the front door when Joey pushes him aside. Monica sits on the side of the steps, Rachel sits on one of her bags]

JOEY: [childish] My house, I get to go in there first! [He hurries in, then exits, coughing]

JOEY: [between coughs] You know what? YOU go in first.

[Chandler enters. After a few seconds he comes back out]

MNCA: Well?

CHAN: Honey I’m taking you to a hotel.

JOEY: No! Come on! We can’t give up!

CHAN: Give up on what? Our HEALTH? Joey, this place is like living in DUST BUN! Only there’s more dust!

JOEY: Well we’ve got Monica among us, she can surely clean it. What do you say, Mon?

MNCA: I say Chandler and I will see you back in New York, Joey. [to Chandler] Let’s go, sweetie.

[They start walking towards the minivan]

RACH: [rises, runs after them] Guys, wait up!

PHOE: I’m coming too!

ROSS: Sorry the ranch-thing didn’t work out Joey. [follows Phoebe]

JOEY: Guys come on!

[Cut to: A motel]

[The gang have gathered in the motel restaurant. The motel is old fashioned, decorated to look as if it was from the eighteen hundreds. The group sits at a table]

RACH: [disgusted] Oh, I can’t BELIEVE I’m spending the night in a cheesy MOTEL!

CHAN: _I_ can’t believe I’m staying in a cheesy motel with a GIRL.

JOEY: I’m starving, this place smells way to much like food.

MNCA: Joey, honey, it’s a restaurant, of COURSE it’ll smell like food.

RACH: And it practically smells like cow manure.

MNCA: It’s not THAT dirty.

PHOE: I LIKE it, I feel like I’m Mary Ingalls, here with my sister Laura and… Rachel.

JOEY: What about us?

PHOE: Oh, you’re there too.

JOEY: No, I meant, what PEOPLE are we.

PHOE: I don’t know, typical 1800-people…

JOEY: Phoebs, what PERSONS? You said you were Mary Ingalls and Monica is Laura, so who am I? Am I Cap Garland?

PHOE: No, you’re more… Mr. Brewster.

MNCA: [rises] Well I’m going to the ladies room.

PHOE: [rises] Oh, I’ll follow. [sits] No, I won’t.

MNCA: Okay. Chandler, will you order for me, please? [walks away]

RACH: Actually I think I’LL join her. [rises]

CHAN: Okay, but I’m not ordering for YOU.

RACH: Suits me fine ‘cause I’m not EATING.

ROSS: On a diet again?

RACH: No, I just would rather be caught sleeping with my best friend’s boyfriend than eat at a restaurant that’s not four stared.

CHAN: Well guess what, I’m not SLEEPING with you either.

RACH: You’re a funny little poor guy, aren’t ya’? [leaves]

CHAN: Poor guy? Comes from the one who makes HALF my salary.

JOEY: Hey, check it out, hot babe at nine o’clock.

[Ross and Chandler look]

PHOE: My clock or your clock?

JOEY: Doesn’t matter, you’re sitting next to me.

PHOE: It DOES matter, ‘cause my watch is upside down.

JOEY: Yeah, well check it out! [to Chandler] Not YOU.

CHAN: What, am I not allowed to look at women anymore?

JOEY: No, ‘cause you’ve got one. Leave the singles to us singles.

CHAN: Joey you have, like, FIVE girlfriends back in New York.

JOEY: Check this out, she’s gone to sit by the bar!

WAITER: [comes over] What’ll it be?

JOEY: Uhm, the lamb chop, rare.

ROSS: Same for me, only medium.

PHOE: Yeah, since I don’t eat meat, are these vegetables done in “Little House on the Prairie”-style?

WAITER: I don’t know, what style is that?

PHOE: Oh never mind, I’ll just have an omelette. Oh wait, no I changed my mind, that’s meat in the process of becoming meat.

WAITER: Would you just order?

PHOE: Okay, an eggplant.

WAITER: [to Chandler] And for you, mister?

CHAN: I don’t know, how about a hamburger? Do you buy them from the same place McDonald’s does?

WAITER: [dry] I see you have no sense of humour. And what will you be drinking?

ROSS: A beer for me, please.

JOEY: Beer.

PHOE: Same.

CHAN: Just a diet coke, I’m driving.

WAITER: [sarcasm] Thank you, I really needed that information, you’ve saved the kingdom. [leaves]

JOEY: DIET coke?

CHAN: Let’s just say that living with a woman leaves it’s marks, you know what I’m talking about?

PHOE: Speaking of, didn’t the woman that you live with ask you to order for her?

CHAN: [remembers] Right! [He rises and heads for the bar, searching for the waiter. He sees him and goes over to the bar. At the bar, the woman Joey checked out stands]

CHAN: Excuse me, waiter fellow? Hello?

WOMAN: [smiles] Maybe you should try not calling him “waiter fellow”.

CHAN: What else can I call him, I’ve never met the guy before. [to the waiter] Excuse me?

WOMAN: Here, let me try. [to waiter] Jim! Jim, come over here! [The waiter comes over, to Chandler] See? He’s all yours.

CHAN: Thanks. [to waiter] Excuse me, we forgot that we had a person at the ladies room, she would like a moussaka. [to woman] Mossaka at a restaurant in Cornwall? [to waiter] And she would like a diet coke to that.

[The waiter leaves, writing down the added order]

CHAN: [to woman] Thanks for your help.

WOMAN: [smiles] Anytime, moussaka-man.

CHAN: It’s Chandler.

WOMAN: Hi, I’m Pippa.

CHAN: Pippa, wow, what an interesting name…

PIPPA: [still smiling] Thanks.

CHAN: You wouldn’t be so happy, though, if you knew what it meant in Swedish.

[Cut to: Chandler and Monica’s room]

[It’s later that evening and they’re getting ready for bed]

CHAN: I HATE unpacking.

MNCA: I hate it worse when it’s not unpacked. [beat] So who was that woman?

CHAN: Woman?

MNCA: Yeah, the one at the bar.

CHAN: [smiles] Oh, so you’re jealous, huh?

MNCA: No, but Rachel’s got the exact same outfit that woman wore, in one of her bags, I’m gonna have to tell her about that. But if the woman’s not from town then maybe there’s a chance that nobody saw her in that outfit and then Rachel can wear it.

CHAN: Oh… [lays down in bed] By the way, have you gotten a look at Joey’s neighbours yet?

MNCA: No… I haven’t even gotten a look at Joey’s house from INSIDE yet.

CHAN: Yeah, we need to clean that place up… But I really hope the neighbours are okay.

MNCA: [lays down next to him] Chandler, we will be here for a WEEK. Who cares what the neighbours are like?

CHAN: Hey, you should ALWAYS be aware of what your neighbours are like. It’s a safety thing.

MNCA: [disbelief] Safety thing?

CHAN: Hey, you never know.

MNCA: I think I can safely say the neighbours won’t be maniacs.

CHAN: They could be any type of people that Joey have forced us to live next to for a week. And who knows how many times we’ll return here?

MNCA: Chandler, would you calm down and let it go?

CHAN: I’m just saying, I mean they could be any type of people, they could be vicious serial killers that go around carrying axes, Neanderthals, orientates, Juno and Jupiter, soccer players, anything!

MNCA: [sarcasm] Yeah, that’s probably it, Joey lives next door to Posh Spice and David Beckham.

CHAN: Actually, Joey lives next door to US. [pause] But you get my concern, don’t you?

MNCA: Gosh, you’re even worse now than you were when I let Rachel move in with me.

CHAN: Well I was mostly right about Rachel, now wasn’t I?

MNCA: [sighs] Chandler, Rachel did NOT help give the guy who killed Martin Luther King and alibi!

CHAN: Okay, so I was wrong about ONE thing.

MNCA: Neither does she like to go fishing and slowly gut the fish, just to see them pained.

CHAN: [not convinced] I’m not so sure of that.

[Monica rolls her eyes and turns of the lights]

[Cut to: Joey’s house, the next day]

[They’re standing inside, looking around. Phoebe’s coughing and Rachel’s whipping dust of her clothes]

JOEY: Is this place a beauty, or what?

MNCA: Don’t know, I can’t tell for all this, this dust!

JOEY: Hey, it’s the INSIDE that counts.

ROSS: We ARE inside.

JOEY: Well then, maybe it’s the inside of the INSIDE that counts.

RACH: Okay, Joey you can consider yourself very lucky I’m not wearing velvet or satin.

ROSS: Could we just clean up in here? Phoebe hasn’t stopped couching since we exited the car.

PHOE: [coughing] Well there was a big dust pile just outside.

CHAN: [heads for the door] I’m gonna go check out the neighbours.

JOEY: Uh, Chandler, this is the country side, the neighbours live, like, a kilometre away.

RACH: What’s a kilometre?

JOEY: Uh, 1000 meters.

RACH: Okay, then how much is a meter?

ROSS: [sighs] Rach, a mile is 1,6 kilometres, so I guess you can say the neighbours live 2/3 miles away.

MNCA: Thank you all for that fine mathematical lesson, can we PLEASE start cleaning this dump up?

JOEY: [offended] Hey, be careful what you call my home!

RACH: [hurries to the door] Uh, I think I’ll be joining Chandler.

MNCA: Rachel.

RACH: Well I’m sorry, but it’s not like cleaning will do any good! It would be like cleaning up a dumpster!

JOEY: What IS it with you people and offending this house?

MNCA: We’ll shape the house up for ya’, Joe. Come on, let’s get to work. Ross’ll do the dishes, there’s a whole big pile of ‘em in the kitchen sink. Joey, you can gather the five tons of dishes that are lying around.

PHOE: Oh, before I forget, I accidentally stepped on a plate, so there’s a broken plate somewhere around the door. Don’t walk there without shoes.

MNCA: [sighs] Then Phoebs, you can start fixing broken stuff and you can help Rachel pick up all the stuff that’s lying around.

RACH: Okay, and how many years have I got to do it in?

MNCA: Chandler, you take the clothes that are lying around outside. I don’t think there’s a washing machine, so you’ll have to wash it the old fashion way. You can wash the curtains and table cloths as well. And I’ll take care of the dusting.

[The song “Whistle While you Work”, from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”, starts to play. Chandler and Rachel reluctantly return. I’ll write directions after the lyrics of the song]

SONG: Just whistle while you work. – Joey and Ross head for the kitchen.

SONG: And cheerfully together we can tidy up the place. – Rachel starts filing her nails.

SONG: So hum a merry tune. – Phoebe starts humming as she begins to pick up the pieces of the broken plate.

SONG: It won’t take long when there’s a song to help you get the faith. – Monica, holding a broom, snatches the nail file from Rachel and forces her to start working as she herself starts sweeping.

SONG: And as you sweep the room, imagine that the broom. Is someone that you love. – Chandler putting his arms round Monica from behind, “helping” her sweep.

SONG: And soon you’ll find you’re dancing to the tune. – Joey puts a bunch of dishes on the kitchen table.

MNCA: [enters, “mimicking” to the song*] Oh! No, no, no, no. Put them in the tub.

[* by this I mean that the song still plays and she says the exact same thing as Snow White, only you can’t hear Monica’s voice]

SONG: When heights are high the time will fly, so whistle while you work. – Monica exits and Joey carries the dishes over to the sink.

[To the sounds in the song that indicate someone’s using an old water pump, Joey does just that, getting water all over Ross. (since this is from a musical the music is supposed to illustrate what’s going on, so there’ll be many notes like that)

To the sound of someone sweeping, Rachel sweeps dust under a rug]

MNCA: [again “mimicking”] A-a-a-a! Not under the rug!

[Rachel sighs and lifts the rug away, hands it to Chandler and continues to sweep along with the sweep-sounds in the song. As Snow White hums, Phoebe hums and continues to pick stuff up from the floor. Joey enters and when he picks up a plate he accidentally gets a little melody box going. He recoils with a terrified look in his face. Rachel continues to sweep. She sneezes to the sneeze in the song. Monica and Rachel have more or less switched chords. Monica is now helping Phoebe to pick up stuff from the floor. Chandler walks by and Rachel, Joey and Phoebe hand him curtains, clothes or other cloth things. Rachel hands him the cardigan she was wearing over her T-shirt. After a few seconds she changes her mind and runs after him to get it.

In the kitchen Ross is opening a window (at this point of the song birds start twittering). Then he goes over and gets a cloth, twists the water out of it (to the sound of that happening in the song), and starts to clean the window.

Monica is out in the garden, picking up weed etc.

Chandler comes down the stairs, his arms so full of curtains and sheets that he can’t see a thing. To the sounds in the song, he stumbles down the stairs.

Outside Monica and Chandler help each other out washing the sheets and etc. Rachel exits, looks at Chandler and laughs twice (mimicking the turtle’s laugh in the song). Chandler gets annoyed and hits her with his wet cloth, to the sound of something similar in the song. Then he gives Monica a content look.

Inside, Phoebe and Ross are cleaning a bedroom upstairs, letting fresh air in]

SONG: So whistle while you work. – Monica and Joey cleaning a hallway upstairs.

SONG: Ah, a-a-a-a-a. Rachel “ambushing” Chandler with a bucket of water, only he doesn’t notice her and accidentally knocks the bucket over so it falls over Rachel.

[As the song tunes out they’re all cleaning upstairs, except for Rachel, who’s sulking in a corner]

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: Later, downstairs living room. The place is cleaner than anything else you’ve seen before. They’ve done a good job. The place is clean, but they aren’t. Monica’s ponytail has more or less fallen apart, Ross’s hands show he’s had allot of contact with water, Chandler’s got dust in his face, Phoebe’s got dust everywhere, Joey looks beat and Rachel is wet and angry]

MNCA: [proud] Just look at it… it’s like the cleanest house in all of England…

CHAN: And we’re like the un-cleanest people in all of England.

JOEY: I’m not so sure we ARE in England.

MNCA: Fine, so Great Britain.

[Joey sighs and goes over to the couch to lay down]

MNCA: Woa, whoa, whoa, don’t even think the thought, Tribbiani!

JOEY: What? May I remind you that this is MY house?

CHAN: Do as she says, my man.

MNCA: Yeah.

JOEY: Sorry man, I don’t take orders from your girlfriend.

MNCA: [firm] Joseph Maricello Tribbiani Jr, lay one finger on that newly cleaned couch and that’ll be the last thing that finger ever does!

JOEY: [to Chandler] On second thought, your girlfriend’s my boss.

RACH: Then can we at least take a shower?

ROSS: [amused] What do YOU need a shower for, you already look like a sister to the Little Mermaid, having a really bad hair day.

CHAN: Yeah, share some of the water, will ya’!

MNCA: Come on, when we’re at the hotel getting all our stuff you can shower. I’ve cleaned all the showers, I want NO dust there!

JOEY: Monica, if you can’t SHOWER in the shower then what are you gonna use it for? [off Monica’s look, nervous] Forget what I said, I’m an actor, I’m an idiot, Monica rules and Joey drools.

CHAN: Back of Chance, this Sassy is MINE.

[Cut to: Later]

[It’s that evening, they’re having dinner at the restaurant]

RACH: I don’t care what you guys say, I am NOT eating here.

ROSS: So order it up to your room, you can’t go two whole days without EATING.

RACH: Nah, I could go with a few pounds less.

CHAN: And a ticket to an anorexia clinic.

RACH: I do NOT have any tendencies to getting anorexia!

[The guys make “yeah, right” sounds]

RACH: [angry] Hey!

ROSS: [to-the-point] Rach, you won’t eat anything with more than 100 calories.

RACH: What, so I take good care of my body!

MNCA: Yes, but when you start thinking Dietorelle is a danger for your weight then you have got a problem.

PHOE: Come on you guys, get off her back.

RACH: Thank you Phoebe.

PHOE: Sure. I mean, it’s common knowledge that a person with eating problems rarely are aware of it themselves.

RACH: [dry] I thought you were gonna drop the subject.

PHOE: Not before I could contribute with something myself. Let the truth be known.

CHAN: Okay, Garrison.

JOEY: Oh hey, check it out, the hot girl’s over by the bar again!

CHAN: Her name’s Pippa. [off the other’s looks] What?

JOEY: Well she can get ready for some high class flirting.

RACH: Maybe Ross can go over and ask what kind of gas she uses in her oven.

ROSS: Hey look, it’s funny Rachel.

CHAN: No, wait, yeah, there IS no funny Rachel.

RACH: Okay, so how come you all gang up on me?

CHAN: Because it’s more fun and more easy.

RACH: Easier?

CHAN: Yeah. There’s tons of stuff I could make fun of you over.

[Cut to: Later]

[Joey’s by the bar. Phoebe comes up]

PHOE: Hey.

JOEY: Hi Phoebs.

PHOE: No luck with the new girl?

JOEY: No. As soon as she found out I’m friends with Chandler she started asking me all these questions about him!

PHOE: Really?

JOEY: Really. And that was actually immediately, ‘cause I thought maybe it would be a good way to start a conversation, telling her she talked to my friend the other nigh.

PHOE: Sounds like a DUMB idea to me. But it’s better than the trick the guy who’s flirted with me all night used. What kind of questions did she ask about Chandler?

JOEY: I don’t know, where he’s from, how long he’s staying, his shoe size, his marital status…

PHOE: So what did you tell her?

JOEY: What do you mean? I told her we’re from New York, we’ll be gone in a week, don’t ask me about his shoe size and I don’t know what marital status means.

PHOE: So, after she explained that to you, what did you then say?

JOEY: How come everybody’s so suddenly interested in Chandler?

PHOE: She’s wearing a dress that Rachel also has, so Rachel sent me to, quote “find out what the heartless bitch thinks and says“, end quote.

JOEY: Oh. Well, she didn’t explain it to me, ‘cause I realized that marital meant marriage, so I told her he didn’t have one.

PHOE: Have one what?

JOEY: A wife.

PHOE: Joey, tell me you actually said a wife.

JOEY: No.

PHOE: Joey! What about Monica?

JOEY: What ABOUT Monica?

PHOE: Chandler’s marital status isn’t “none”, he’s got Monica!

JOEY: [chocked] They got MARRIED?

PHOE: NO!

JOEY: But wait a minute, you just said--

PHOE: Marital status, it means weather a person’s single, engaged or you know.

JOEY: Oh.

PHOE: Joey you just told that, that woman that Chandler was single. Now tomorrow is Chandler and Monica’s two year anniversary, if she flirts with Chandler all night then that’s gonna totally ruin it for Monica since they can’t go to London.

JOEY: Okay, this is actually good!

PHOE: Not.

JOEY: No, see, then she can get into bed with ME instead!

PHOE: Whatever, but it’s too late now, Tribbiani!

JOEY: Why?

PHOE: ‘Cause she left the hotel two seconds ago.

JOEY: Damn!

PHOE: Are you gonna, like, sulk?

JOEY: No. I’m just gonna be horny and alone. I’m gonna be Chandler, two years ago.

PHOE: Actually, if you were Chandler two years ago you would be one night away from a relationship.

JOEY: Yuck, I don’t want no relationship. Some sex would be good, though.

PHOE: Hey, come here, dance with your friend Phoebe, [extends hand] that’ll cheer you up.

JOEY: [doubtful] You think?

PHOE: I’m a psychic, right?

JOEY: [shrugs shoulders] Whatever.

[They take each other’s hands and start to dance. Chandler and Monica are also dancing. Ross and Rachel are at the table]

RACH: I’m getting hungry.

ROSS: Then EAT.

RACH: NO!

[Cut to: Joey’s house, later]

[Chandler and Monica come walking up the stairs, holding hands, later]

CHAN: Okay Mon, admit it, you ARE jealous.

MNCA: Am not.

CHAN: [scoffs] You are. I saw the way you looked at Pippa when she flirted with me.

MNCA: [smiles] You mean while I was chewing on my napkin to keep from laughing?

CHAN: [slightly disappointed] Oh, so THAT’S what you were doing

MNCA: [stops] Shh! Did you hear something?

CHAN: Yeah, you told me to be quiet.

MNCA: Besides that.

CHAN: [listens] Is that coming from Phoebe’s room?

MNCA: It sounds like it.

CHAN: Just wanting some agreement.

MNCA: Okay dear.

CHAN: And I am DEFINATLY hearing something.

MNCA: Is Phoebe having SEX?

CHAN: Sounds like it... but whom WITH?

MNCA: I don't know, that is so weird... [hears something] Yepp, she's DEFINANTLY having sex.

CHAN: So I guess she's gonna get her share of the third degree tomorrow morning?

MNCA: You know what? I wanna find out who it is.

CHAN: Yeah, me too.

[Monica goes for the door]

CHAN: Monica! Monica, honey, you can NOT just open the DOOR!

MNCA: Why not? It wouldn't be the first time one of us walked in on the other one having sex... just think of how she found out I was seeing YOU.

CHAN: Yes, but this wouldn't be an accident, you'd be deliberately walking in, you'd be disturbing her even though you KNOW she's doing it.

MNCA: Not first time for that EITHER.

CHAN: [as she starts to open the door] Monica no!

[Cut to: Phoebe’s room]

[Monica opens the door. Joey quickly gets away from Phoebe and rolls down on the other side of the bed, hitting the floor with a large thump]

JOEY: Owww…

MNCA: JOEY?

CHAN: What?

[He hurries up to the door and stands behind Monica. They both look at Joey and Phoebe in chock. Joey peeks up from behind the bed]

PHOE: [feigning surprise] Joey? That’s YOU?

[Chandler and Monica firmly cross their arms. Phoebe and Joey look ashamed]

[Cut to: The next day]

[Chandler and Monica are seated on the couch, reading a newspaper together. Joey and Phoebe come down the stairs, looking ashamed]

CHAN: So, are we going to discuss why you guys decided to take our special Great Britain week away from us?

MNCA: [explaining] He’s having a little trouble getting over the fact that we’re no longer the only ones who got together in this country this very week. [thinks] Although, in OUR case it was this very week two YEARS ago. [to Chandler] Happy anniversary, babe.

JOEY: Guys, we’re not together, we just… SLEPT together…

CHAN: Yeah, uh-hu, but aren’t you forgetting that you’re talking to the couple who’s special happening you savagely STOLE?

MNCA: Chandler… calm down…

PHOE: Look you guys, it was just sex, nothing more.

MNCA: [laughs] I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told myself the EXACT same thing when I thought about Chandler and I in London… You’re just in denial.

CHAN: [dry] How lovely that you feel that way Mon.

JOEY: Listen, we--

[He gets interrupted by a knock on the door]

MNCA: You might wanna answer that.

[Joey goes to answer]

PHOE: Listen you guys, we didn’t even get to do it once, since you walked in on us. We’re not committed or anything.

JOEY: [opens the door, sees it’s Pippa] Hey… [flirting] How you doing?

PHOE: See?

[Monica shakes her head and rises. Chandler takes the newspaper]

MNCA: Come on Phoebe, I think you and I need to discuss this. [they go up the stairs]

JOEY: [to Pippa] So, you said you work in advertising, right?

CHAN: Right. [off Joey’s look] What?

JOEY: Anyway… [to Pippa, flirting] Ever advertised an actor before?

PIPPA: No. Listen, my best friend and her husband owns the farm next to your house.

CHAN: Excellent, then maybe you can answer a few questions. First question, are they axe murderers?

PIPPA: What? No.

JOEY: Chandler shut up.

PIPPA: Anyway, they would like to invite you all to dinner tonight.

CHAN: Oh, sorry, can’t.

JOEY: Chandler! [to Pippa] Of course we can come.

CHAN: No, we can’t. Joey, do you happen to know what happened two years ago, tonight? I you can’t, then think about what YOU did last night, maybe it’ll refresh your memory.

[Cut to: Phoebe’s room, later]

[Phoebe’s alone. Monica enters, in a bad mood]

PHOE: Monica? What are you doing here? And alone? I thought you left with Chandler for an anniversary dinner two hours ago.

MNCA: Well, I did. But then that tramp Pippa came over and invited herself to our table.

PHOE: She did?

MNCA: Yeah. And Chandler didn’t say a THING! Almost as if he wanted me to get JEALOUS!

PHOE: Seems to me that you kinda’ are.

MNCA: I’m not JEALOUS, I’m ANGRY! I know I trust Chandler, SHE practically gave him her room number complete with KEY!

PHOE: She did?

MNCA: More or less! I mean she threw herself at him and he didn’t say a WORD about whom _I_ was and why we were out having dinner in the first place!

PHOE: Kinda’ funny to think that on your first anniversary he had the exact same problem as you have now, only different.

MNCA: She’s trying to get him into bed, Phoebe.

PHOE: Then why are you here, why aren’t you over there defending your position as the ruling girlfriend?

MNCA: I… never thought of that… I just needed to let him know I was pissed, so I left. And I got a ride with the neighbour, Nick. Chandler won’t like that.

PHOE: Monica, I say you go over there and you tell her to take a hike. [beat] No, wait, don’t do that.

MNCA: Why not?

PHOE: I just realized, that’s not a great idea.

MNCA: [heads for the door] You know what, that tramp is gonna DEEPLY regret that she was stupid enough to ever allow herself to be born.

PHOE: What, where are you GOING?

MNCA: I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind!

PHOE: Are you sure that's such a great idea?

MNCA: Hey, this is MY relationship, MY man and _I_ am going to fight for it!

PHOE: Wait, Monica! [runs after her]

[Cut to: The hotel bar]

[Chandler, Joey and Pippa are there. Pippa’s devoting all her attention to Chandler. Joey looks angry over it]

PIPPA: [laughing] Oh you’re so funny Chandler.

CHAN: Well, I would be even funnier if I wasn’t feeling so bad.

JOEY: Why, what’s wrong?

CHAN: Monica took off. I overdid it, I guess… There goes another anniversary close to disaster.

PIPPA: Anniversary?

CHAN: You know that woman who I was having dinner with?

PIPPA: The one who left when I wanted to dance with you?

JOEY: Dance?

CHAN: [to Pippa] See, that woman, her name is Monica and we have been going out for two years. Two years today.

PIPPA: What?

CHAN: Yeah. And I think she’s pretty mad.

PIPPA: She shouldn’t be. Come on… it was only a dance…

CHAN: To a ballade.

PIPPA: Not MY fault.

CHAN: Okay, have you heard them play ANYTHING ELSE than ballades the past few days?

PIPPA: Okay, so you got me there.

JOEY: Hey Pippa, wanna dance with ME?

PIPPA: Nah.

CHAN: [to Joey] Excellent flirting skills, my friend.

PIPPA: Oh, there’s Polly. Excuse me for a second, guys. [rises and leaves]

JOEY: So how come Monica left?

CHAN: I don’t know… she’s pissed…

JOEY: Duh, I didn’t ask IF she left, I asked WHY she left. What did you do?

CHAN: Allot of stuff… I… Never mind.

JOEY: See? And this is why I’m not getting into bed with Phoebe again. I don’t want to end up like Ross and Rachel and I don’t want to end up like YOU.

CHAN: Excuse me? I haven’t ended up yet, I’m just… in trouble…

JOEY: That’s where you’ve ended up. In trouble. Don’t you think I would get into trouble every other day? I have barely had a single relationship where I haven’t seen another woman at the same time.

CHAN: Joey, sleeping with a woman more than TWICE is NOT a relationship.

JOEY: Okay, so how many times do you have to sleep with her?

CHAN: Well, I slept with Monica for three months before she said we were in a relationship.

JOEY: Oh. Well in that case you can see the silver lining in this evening. CHAN: Oh yeah, and what is that?

JOEY: Then technically your two-year anniversary isn’t for another three months.

PIPPA: [returns] Okay, so what have you been saying about me while I was gone?

JOEY: Nothing, actually. Go away for another two minutes and we’ll have gotten to you. [Pippa laughs] I’m gonna go to the bathroom. [leaves]

PIPPA: So… we’re all alone…

CHAN: The whole room is filled with people.

PIPPA: Okay, so we’re not ALONE alone…

CHAN: Then what kind of alone are we?

PIPPA: The kind of alone that you are when you want to ask a favour of someone…

CHAN: Usually you’re allot more alone than this. P

IPPA: Well, nobody we know is around…

CHAN: Except for my girlfriend’s brother, who’s over there by that table…

PIPPA: Just, forget about your girlfriend for a sex…

CHAN: A what?

PIPPA: Sec.

CHAN: Oh… thought you said something else.

[Pippa looks away, embarrassed]

CHAN: But I guess that’s just my mind getting the better of me… my girlfriend often says I have my mind in the gutter.

PIPPA: I thought you were gonna stop thinking of your girlfriend.

CHAN: Whatever.

PIPPA: So, have you ever… committed adultery?

CHAN: Excuse me?

PIPPA: Have you ever cheated?

CHAN: No… Unless kissing Joey’s girlfriend counts.

PIPPA: Okay, shut up about girlfriends here!

CHAN: So what are you suggesting? That I go out, find a chick and take her up to her hotel room?

PIPPA: No… I’m suggesting you kiss me.

CHAN: Kiss you? I don’t think my gi--… uhm, the woman which I share a life and apartment with, would like that very much… and Joey wouldn’t be too pleased either.

PIPPA: Shut up. [She leans forward and kisses him. Chandler tries to hold back laughter. Then he looks up and sees Monica and Phoebe]

CHAN: Oh shit… I’m gonna be neutered…

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: The same. Monica and Phoebe stare at Chandler in disbelief]

PHOE: You ASSHOLE!

CHAN: Mon…

[Monica turns on the spot just as Joey comes back. He looks awkwardly at Phoebe, then at Monica]

CHAN: No Monica, wait!

[He rises to catch her. Phoebe punches him in the face. Joey hurries after Monica, partly because he wants to get away from Phoebe. Chandler angrily turns to Pippa]

CHAN: [furious] NOW look what you’ve done! [rises]

PHOE: One black eye or two Chandler… it’s your call…

CHAN: You hit me on the lip!

PHOE: Well, then… one bruised lip or two?

CHAN: How many lips do I HAVE, you already punched BOTH!

PHOE: It doesn’t matter, she’s gone now.

PIPPA: So, Chandler… Guess it’ll be pretty easy not to talk about your girlfriend anymore, huh?

[Cut to: Outside]

[Monica’s extremely angry. She furiously walks away from the hotel. Joey exits]

JOEY: Monica! [hurries up to her] Monica, what--

MNCA: Don’t TOUCH me!

JOEY: What’s all this, why did Phoebe just punch Chandler in the face?

MNCA: [angry] You won’t be very happy when you find out who’s tonsils he was counting when I entered!

JOEY: Josie Bissett’s?

MNCA: NO, that little TRAMP Pippa!

JOEY: Aw, MAN! _I_ wanted to kiss her!

MNCA: And instead CHANDLER decided to celebrate our two-year anniversary by snogging that bitch!

JOEY: Monica, calm down, you need to--

MNCA: [stops] Joey, I’m not gonna force you to pick sides, but stop defending that creep of an ex-boyfriend of mine, or go back to the hotel. [a car drives by] Nick!

JOEY: Who the hell’s Nick?

[The driver of the car stops and backs]

MNCA: So, you coming or not?

[Cut to: Joey’s house]

[Monica and Joey enter, Monica still angry. She marches to the stairs, Joey follows]

JOEY: You wanna calm down?

MNCA: What did I tell you Joey, shut up about that or go back.

JOEY: I wasn’t defending anybody there, I was telling you to calm down just a bit.

MNCA: Just a bit? Sure, as soon as I’ve kicked both their asses!

[Cut to: Upstairs]

[Monica and Joey come walking up the stairs]

MNCA: Joey leave me alone.

JOEY: If you wanted me to leave you alone then why did you insist on me coming with you back here?

MNCA: I never insisted.

JOEY: You never told me to stay, other than if I took Chandler’s side.

MNCA: I know.

JOEY: Then why’d you tell me to come?

MNCA: Because when the first anger lifts I’m gonna be needing someone’s arms to cry in. If I ever wanna cry over that JERK.

JOEY: Monica, come on, you don’t really think he’s a jerk, just think of how much you love hi--

MNCA: SHUT up!

JOEY: Fine… so you don’t wanna help me write a letter to myself then? I thought it might be cool to mail it and see who gets it.

[Monica glares at him and goes to her room]

[Cut to: Later, M&C’s room]

[Monica has packed all her stuff in a bag. Chandler enters hurriedly, his lip swollen]

CHAN: Monica, I--

MNCA: [coldly] Since I know how much you hate packing I thought I’d do you a favour. I’VE packed MY things. I’ll see you around.

[Se heads for the door. Chandler stops her by grabbing her arm. She slaps him on the face with the other one and jerks her hand free]

MNCA: Don’t touch me.

CHAN: Monica, it wasn’t what you think.

MNCA: Noooo, no I’m sure you guys were just passing a gum between each other.

CHAN: No. But--

MNCA: But it doesn’t matter. Nice knowing ya’, PAL.

CHAN: Okay, okay, look I KNOW you’re upset and all of that, but--

MNCA: UPSET? That ain’t even the beginning of it.

CHAN: Okay, you’ve gotta quit interrupting me here.

MNCA: What for? No, you know what? [getting angrier] I’m leaving, you have a nice life, maybe we’ll see each other someday. I’ll be sure to invite you to my wedding.

CHAN: Hey, calm down, it was just a kiss.

MNCA: Just a kiss? Just a kiss… Well that’s peachy, ain’t it? So tell me, how come you got to be mad at me for a simple LUNCH, when _I_ don’t get to be mad at you for exchanging saliva with some twit on our ANNIVERSARY?

CHAN: Because this isn’t… She kissed ME, okay?

MNCA: Well you sure seemed to enjoy it, didn’t you? DIDN’T you?

CHAN: No.

MNCA: Let me just ask you one question. Did you tongue her?

CHAN: [nervous] Okay, tongues have nothing to do with how serious a kiss is.

MNCA: [hurt] Oh my god… [recoils] Oh my god, you actually used your tongue!

CHAN: Monica?

MNCA: [heads for the door] I’m outta here!

CHAN: NO! Don’t go, okay? Come on now, we’re stronger than this, aren’t we? We can survive a kiss?

MNCA: Chandler, I… [sighs, turns] If it was another night of the year… and if it was just the kiss, then yes. Maybe we would have pulled through, maybe we could have been strong enough.

CHAN: Well… what was it more than the kiss?

MNCA: The look.

CHAN: Look? What, what look are you talking about honey?

MNCA: [screams] Don’t call me honey! [normal tone, still angry] I am talking about the look in your face when you decided you should stick your tongue down her throat.

CHAN: The kiss wasn’t THAT deep.

MNCA: You know, _I_ only saw that look on a few occasions while we were going out. When something special had happened in our relationship, or, or when you had one of your lovey-dovey days. [hurt] And you gave that look to HER.

CHAN: I don’t even know what look that IS, hon--

MNCA: I TOLD you, I am NOT yours to call honey anymore. [calmer] Thank you Bing, it’s nice to know I’ve dedicated two years of my life for something so valuable. [leaves]

[Cut to: The hotel bar]

[Chandler enters, looking really miserable. Phoebe’s there, yelling at Pippa. Chandler sits]

CHAN: Okay Phoebs, that’s enough.

PHOE: Don’t YOU come and interfere! [to Pippa] Get this, you mess with Mon you mess with me. And if you mess with me you probably mess with Mon. I don’t know, I have never actually asked her.

CHAN: Phoebe.

PHOE: Not ONE word, Bing!

CHAN: What IS it with everyone calling me BING tonight?

PIPPA: _I_ don’t.

PHOE/CHAN: SHUT UP.

PIPPA: Sorry.

PHOE: This is about as wrong as speaking in sign language to blind people! Or, or as stupid as building a box that puts all the world’s phone costs on your own phone bill.

CHAN: Phoebe Faith Buffay, will you leave her alone?

PIPPA: [smiles] Thank you Chandler.

CHAN: Anytime. Hopefully, if Phoebe let’s you, you’ll go away.

PIPPA: Chandler… Look, I… I didn’t just kiss you to get you into trouble… I think I… I’m in love with you, Chandler.

PHOE: In LOVE?

CHAN: Well guess what? You can’t have me. And guess what?

PHOE: You just said that. [off his look] What, I was just pointing it out.

CHAN: The woman _I_ am in love with just left me, so neither of us benefited anything from that kiss. Now go away, PLEASE!

[Pippa gives him a sad look, then reluctantly leaves]

PHOE: And stay away!

[Phoebe turns to yell at Chandler, who’s grabbed a drink from the person to his left. He starts to drink]

GUY: Hey, that’s MY drink!

[Chandler finishes the drink with an “aaahhh” sound and glares at the guy]

GUY: Never mind, you can have it.

PHOE: Chandler! Chandler, come on! Stop drinking so I can yell at you!

CHAN: [grabs her drink] Go ahead and yell. Doesn’t matter what you say, can’t hurt anymore than what Monica said.

[He starts to drink. Phoebe grabs the glass and tries to pull it away. She doesn’t succeed and Chandler finishes it. He waves at the bartender to give him another one]

CHAN: [depressed] I miss her Phoebs. It’s been thirteen minutes and I miss her already.

PHOE: I think it suits you right. Think about how SHE must be feeling.

CHAN: Listen Phoebe, there is no way I would have dumped her if she kissed another guy… even if it was on our anniversary.

PHOE: Oh good, so I guess it’s okay for me to tell you about that time she made out with Richard, then.

CHAN: She WHAT? [rises, angry] I’m going back to that house and when I get there, she is gonna get a piece of my mind! She can’t think she’ll get away with something like that!

PHOE: Chandler, sit down. She never DID make out with him, I was just TESTING you.

CHAN: Oh. [sits]

PHOE: Look, I know this must be painful for you, but-- [Chandler makes a “no kidding” sound] but I think you brought this on yourself.

CHAN: Why are you here, Phoebe? To make me more miserable? To rub my poor nose in it? [reaches for his new drink]

PHOE: Chandler! Come on, alcohol is not gonna make this better, alcohol will not make Monica come back to you or kill the pain.

CHAN: I know, but neither will milk. Cheers. [drinks]

PHOE: Okay look. I really hate you right now, but you know what? Maybe you should try talking to me.

CHAN: You want me to talk? Okay, okay let’s talk. I have never realized just how loved I was until [checks watch] fifteen minutes and five seconds ago. Gosh Phoebe, you should have seen the look in her eyes. So hurt… so disappointed… And she looked more close to breaking down than I’ve EVER seen her before… and it was all because of me.

PHOE: You heartless bastard. [off Chandler’s moan] Sorry, sorry, okay keep going.

CHAN: When I looked into her eyes… she was more sad than anyone I’ve ever seen before. And it was because I let her down. Because _I_ failed to keep myself just to her. And in that moment I saw just how much she loved me. I never believed in it before, I never thought I could be loved, ESPECIALLY not that much. But she told me I was, without a single word. And now all of that is gone.

PHOE: Because you had to play tonsil tennis with another woman.

CHAN: Could we PLEASE not mention that incident all the time?

PHOE: [annoyed] Fine! Now talk fast, I’m not sure I want to listen to you anymore!

CHAN: True friendship, huh?

PHOE: I know which one of you guys I care about the most.

CHAN: [grumpy] FINE! [finishes his drink, calmer] But you know, _I_ always knew I loved HER. Every single day, every single look at her, I knew. She is the only one for me--

PHOE: Apparently not kiss-wise.

CHAN: [angry] PHOEBE!

PHOE: Okay.

CHAN: [calmer] Whenever I looked at her I would think of how I loved her. [pained] And you will never guess how many nights I laid awake, watching her, thinking that the best that you can have, that’s what I have. [near tears] Nobody can come and tell me I didn’t know how fortunate I was until I lost Monica.

PHOE: Wow… If I didn’t hate your guts right now I’d be so touched…

[Cut to: Joey’s house]

[Monica comes down the stairs with her bags. Joey, on the couch, notices her]

JOEY: Monica? Where are you going?

MNCA: What do you think, I’m going home. You tell Chandler that the stuff he hasn’t taken out of my apartment by Tuesday after you get back I’m donating to the Red Cross or something.

JOEY: Monica, don’t leave, come on!

RACH: [enters from kitchen] Hey Joey, I’m so hungry I think I could almost consider eating at that motel, would you mind if I make some popcorn?

JOEY: Yeah, go ahead. [Rachel goes back to the kitchen] Monica, come with me and talk for a while, okay? Please? For old times sake?

MNCA: Fine. [they go up the stairs]

[Cut to: The Kitchen]

[Rachel hums a song as she gets popcorn and puts it in a pot. She then goes to get some oil]

RACH: Let’s see, how much oil should I use? [reads the bottle] Hmm, doesn’t say. [reads the popcorn bag] Okay, so I need to put the oil first and THEN the popcorn.

[She starts humming again and takes out another pot in which she pours oil. And she pours ALLOT]

RACH: There. That should do the trick. Now, food is on it’s way, Rachel dear.

[She goes over to the kitchen table and starts to read “Vogue”. After a few seconds, a flame appears in the pot behind her]

RACH: [a few seconds later, checking watch] Maybe I should add the popcorn now. [rises, turns and screams] Oh gosh! Oh gosh! Okay, there’s a fire. [panicking] There’s a fire! [tries to calm down] Okay, okay, breathe Rachel, remember how daddy always told you to breathe? Okay. Now. I need to put this fire out. Oh my gosh, Monica is never gonna let me near a kitchen ever again!

[She hurries over to the stove, manages to grab the pot with the popcorn and fills it with water. Then she throws it on the fire. And as everybody knows, that is a BAD idea. Rachel screams in terror]

[Cut to: The minivan]

[Phoebe is driving with Chandler and Ross in the backseat]

ROSS: Chandler, what’s with all the alcohol?

CHAN: [denial] I’M not drunk.

ROSS: Oh please, you need a cup of black coffee before my sister sees you and gets really upset.

[Chandler gives Phoebe a look, asking her not to tell Ross what’s happened]

PHOE: Yeah, get some coffee and sober up.

CHAN: [looks out the window] What’s with the bright light?

[Cut to: Outside the house]

[The minivan pulls up. Ross and Phoebe get out. Chandler has some problems standing up straight]

ROSS: I you’re not drunk then I’m not a man.

PHOE: Here, we need to help him walk. [puts an arm around his waist] Although I don’t want to touch him.

CHAN: You guys…

[He lifts a shaky finger and points to the house. It’s on fire big time. The entire bottom floor is burning and the second floor has got smoke coming out of the windows]

ROSS: Oh my god… What’s happened?

PHOE: See, the place has caught fire.

CHAN: I need to puke.

RACH: [comes running up] Guys! You guys, hold me, I was, like, close to the fire!

ROSS: Rach, Rachel calm down, okay? Now where are the others?

RACH: Well, YOU are all here… and Monica and Joey are still inside.
 

To be Continued…