[Opening Scene]

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting in his chair between the couch an counter and Phoebe is sitting on the chair opposite, both have there arms crossed and are looking away from each other. Ross and Rachel are at opposite ends of the sofa as far away from each other as possible, they too have arms and legs crossed away from one another. All four look grumpy no one is saying a word. A depressed looking Chandler comes through the door, and sits on the sofa between R&R]

CHAN: [to everyone] Hey… [no response] Ok great what did I do? Why is everyone mad at me suddenly?
JOEY: We ain’t mad at you… Are we?

RACH: [to Chan] I’m sorry, its just some people are so immature, not admitting the truth.

ROSS: Get a life Rachel you have no idea what you’re talking about.

PHOE: You got that right Ross.

RACH: Why is it no surprise you are siding with him… I guess he’ll thank you for that tonight.

JOEY: Shut up Rach.

RACH: Hey you’re supposed to be on my side.

JOEY: [confused] I am?

ROSS: Stop telling him what to do Rachel, he has a mind of his own you know.

RACH: Well you wouldn’t know half the time would you.

PHOE: Hey.

JOEY: Yeah… hey!

[All four descend into mindless arguing]

CHAN: Whoa, whoa… [they silence] What is goin’ on here?
PHOE: This negative energy isn’t good for my karma.

RACH: Oh shut up with that crap.

JOEY: Isn’t that a little personal.

RACH: YOU ARE ON MY SIDE!
ROSS: He can think for himself you know.

RACH: I do believe you just said that.

ROSS: Well if you heard it then why didn’t you listen to it.

RACH: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

[They descend into argument again]

CHAN: Would you guys stop it… [they silence] You can’t keep on at each other like this… Okay, someone tell me what happened yesterday... [to himself] besides the obvious… you have all been weird since then.

[They all start talking at once]

CHAN: Oh boy this could take some time… ONE AT A TIME.

[They all shut up and look at him shocked]

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: Rachel's version.  Just seconds after we left the four in the last part]
ROSS: [confused] Busted? What do you mean, "busted"?
RACH: I mean, you're BUSTED! [points to Phoebe] And so are you!
PHOE: Oh, I know. I get busted all the time. Usually I don't get busted by a friend. But there's a first time for everything.
JOEY: [not having listened] What are we talking about?
RACH: [hits him again with the binoculars] Will you pay attention?
ROSS: No, actually we all would like to know what we're "busted" for. I mean, [to Phoebe] we were discreet, weren't we?
PHOE: Yeah. Although no one can get away from Rachel's watchful eyes.
ROSS: I think Rachel is trying to scam us! [accusingly, to Rachel] What's going on here?
RACH: What's going on? Oh like you don't know what's going on!
PHOE: You have no evidence for if we know or not.
ROSS: Shut up Phoebs, you can't let the bloodhound Rachel smell blood!
RACH: Bloodhound?
JOEY: Look, you guys. I don't get it. One minute we're spying on Chandler and Monica and the next minute we're spying on Phoebe and Ross!
PHOE: What, you were spying on US?
ROSS: I knew that all along! That is so like Rachel!
RACH: Excuse me! I'm just trying to keep track of what's right and wrong here!
PHOE: Yeah, but SPYING is against the Friendship Code!
RACH: Excuse me? Against the code? So WE'RE all of a sudden doing things against the code?
JOEY: [upset] Yeah! Exactly! Come on Rach, let's give them what they deserve! [to Phoebe and Ross, accusatory] Who are you to complain about us violating the code by spying on you, when YOU are spying on Mon and Chandler?
ROSS: Hey, don't try to change the subject!
CHAN: [voice-over, in the present] Rach, come on, like I'd believe they were spying on us!
RACH: [voice-over, in the present] Excuse me, this is MY story!
PHOE: Rachel come on, you SPIED on us?
RACH: Hey, you guys are no better yourself! And yes, maybe we DID spy on you!
JOEY: Sch! Quiet, don't let them hint the truth!
RACH: [noble spirited] But the truth must be known! We are all entitled to hear the truth! That's one of our rights as American citizens!
PHOE: Yeah, tell that to the government.
PHOE: [voice-over, in the present] You SHOULD tell that to the government.
RACH: Excuse me, I'm trying to give a speech here! [as she continues her highly spirited speech we hear some sort of fitting music in the background] I do not wish to betray my friends any longer! I had bad feelings about it from the first second! So yes, we did spy on you! But it was for the cause of honesty and it was in the name of truth! [angry, to Phoebe] Why are you having sex with Ross?
JOEY: I would like to know that too. I mean... okay for having sex with one of her ex-boyfriends, but ROSS?
JOEY: [voice-over, in the present] Hey, I never said that.
CHAN: [voice-over, in the present] But I'll bet someone else did. Probably Phoebe.
ROSS: [voice-over, in the present, sighing] Thanks man...
JOEY: [voice-over, in the present] The truth is the truth Ross, but I didn't say it.
PHOE: What? Who said I was having sex with Ross? [to Ross] I think we should have Rachel deported!
ROSS: No, let's not, she can give us discount at Ralph Lauren.
PHOE: Yeah, good point!
RACH: And I surely will. [the music plays again] Because I have a heart as pure as a diamond. And you can always count on my forgiveness. [angry] If you just let me know WHY!

CHAN: [voice-over] I just got a really sucky deja vu...
PHOE: [upset over the accusation] I didn't do anything!
JOEY: Oh.
ROSS: Why would anyone think that? I mean, sure, we spend allot of time together, but that doesn't automatically mean we're having sex!
RACH: Well it so happens that I have evidence!
ROSS: Evidence?
PHOE: Oh no, if Rachel has evidence then there's no way we could prove our innocence!
ROSS: She doesn't HAVE any evidence, because there's nothing to have evidence OF!
JOEY: Wow, this is much better than "Perry Mason".
ROSS: Joey why are you even here, sticking up for Rachel? She is evil!
RACH: Because of my noble spirit I forgive you that. But I do have evidence! [holds up the Dictaphone] On this device, I have got hardback evidence that YOU [points to Phoebe] are guilty of sleeping with [points to Ross] YOU! [choking up] And it breaks my pure heart having to bring it to this point.
JOEY: It does?
RACH: Joey, for once in your life be QUIET!
[In anger she snatches away his baseball cap and throws it away like a Frisbee]
JOEY: [composing tears] My, my cap! My cap! [runs to get it, sobbing]
RACH: Oh dear my! I hope my dear friend is okay! [to Ross and Phoebe, composing tears] Hear the evidence!
[She hits play]

[She hits play we hear Joey singing David Bowies "Space Oddity", Rachel blushes and turns it off]
ROSS: THAT'S your proof? Rachel, you only proved that you're dumber than
dirt yourself!
PHOE: Yeah, Rachel's not smart enough to handle a Dictaphone, I still think
we should have her deported! Let's burn her at the stake!

RACH: [hanging her head] Alas my friend Joeys beautiful voice has thwarted my efforts to save your selves from each other… I shall now only be subjects of your ridicule
[Phoebe hits Rachel hard on the arm (remember that this is Rachel's version and
that everyone else is "bad" in it), causing Rachel to drop the binoculars.
Joey comes back, looking weepy, and sees that the binoculars are on the
ground. Joey starts to cry again, and picks the binoculars up and places
them in the cap]
RACH: Joey, my friend, Ross and Phoebe are obviously not as noble hearted as I am! They are gathering their strengths in a mob! Run for your life! I'll cover for you!
ROSS: [to Rachel, mad] Rach, how could you even suspect us for something like this? [to Phoebe] Let's tell the others what happened here today, but in a completely un-true way that makes us seem like the good guys!
RACH: [soothing] Can't we please just all take it easy and try to see the good inside of us all? Like I do?
JOEY: And besides, it DID seem as if you guys were having sex. You're always together, ALONE.
PHOE: [angry] That doesn't prove anything! Don't you listen to Rachel!
RACH: [crying] Oh dear! How come no one gives me appreciation these days? Mon ignores me, Chandler's never around anymore, Joey cares more about food and Ross and Phoebe are calling me names!
PHOE: You STARTED it!
RACH: [crying even harder] And they're accusing me of things I didn't do!

[She runs of, in tears]
JOEY: Uh, I'll just follow Rach. [leaves as well]

[Cut to: Central Perk]

[The guys are all looking at Rachel in disbelief]

ROSS: That is SOO not what happened…

CHAN: Yeah Rach I wasn’t there but since when were you "noble hearted"???

RACH: Are you guys saying I am lying?

ALL: YES!!!

RACH: [sulking] I don’t think so… I know what happened…. Joey tell them…

JOEY: [confused] Umm…. Erm….

RACH: Go on then… today please…

JOEY: Ok then… umm, I guess it was …

[Cut to: Joey’s version]

[We can see Joey, Rachel, Phoebe and Ross arguing in pantomime while they talk in voice over]

JOEY: [voice over] Well it was like this, Rachel and I were in the bushes and I was eating a Snickers, when Rachel pulled me up suddenly.... making me drop my Snickers and then she yelled at Ross and Phoebe a while... and bullied me a little...
RACH: [interrupting voice over] Hey I so did not... you’re the liar...
JOEY: [voice over] Oh yeah, so why did you keep hitting me and yelling at me and why did you throw my cap away???
RACH: [voice over] Umm... Joey... you are supposed to be on MY side...
JOEY: [voice over] I was on your side... that's why when you ran away I came after you... to um...to umm... check if you were ok... and to be on your side...
RACH: [back to CP] Joey that's not true you just didn't know what was going on!
JOEY: Sure I did... [obviously lying] I just figured if I acted like I didn't then Ross and Phoebe would let something slip to me by accident...
PHOE: Oh so you ARE on her side!
JOEY: No... that's not what I said.
RACH: Joey... that is what you just said.
JOEY: [confused] It is???
RACH: Yes...
JOEY: Well then... I must be.
RACH: [smugly] Thank you...
ROSS:  Joey?
JOEY:  What?
PHOE:  You should be on our side...

JOEY: [confused] Ummm… okay then.

ROSS: ‘Cause we are right.

JOEY: Yeah you are!

RACH: No way Joey, where were you half the time... you really have no idea about anything do you I mean where were you even born?
PHOE: [annoyed with Rachel] Hey pick on someone your own size.
JOEY: [getting defensive] Hey I can take care of myself...
ROSS: [getting his say] Yeah leave him alone, he is strong right man [he hits Joey lightly on the chest]
JOEY: [breaking down, comically] What was that for? Why are you all against me.
PHOE: [defending him] You are both bullies why pick on him when he is so vulnerable. [Phoebe, Ross, Joey and Rachel begin to argue]
CHAN: [calming them] This is getting us no where!
[They silence and look at him, away from each other]

CHAN: Do any of you really know what happened? [total silence] Come on guys you can't be like this for the rest of your lives... we all have problems you just have to work past them and remember who your friends are and how important you are to each other.
JOEY: [under his breath, defensive] What do you know, you go to bed everynight with a babe who is like your ultimate best friend.
CHAN: [who heard this, looks nervously at the carpet] Yeah well don't bet on that...

[All look up at him curious but excited, they lean forward]
RACH: Why what happened?
CHAN: Lets not focus on that ok, we are talking about you guys.
ROSS: Oh no you don't wriggle out that easy... what did you do to my sister?
CHAN: Okay I will make you a deal, if you guys sort this out I will tell you every detail of everything you ask about Monica and I...

[Everyone looks at each other in agreement]

CHAN: Okay then so what REALLY happened?

PHOE: Ross, you tell them it… ‘cause I know it will be the truth… Not like all the nonsense Rachel is spreading…

[Rachel gives her a hard look]

ROSS: Yeah Pheebs I will… Thank you.

[Cut to: Ross's version]

[It starts at the same place as Rachel’s versions did]
ROSS: [confused] Busted? What do you mean, "busted"?
RACH: I mean, you're BUSTED! [points to Phoebe] And so are you! [bitchy] That's right, busted, caught guilty, prepare to spend the rest of your pitiful lives in jail... Or well, at least, prepare to be burned at the stake right here right now!
PHOE: We're being busted for something? I can't believe this! And I want a lawyer here if I'm being burned at the stake. [under her breath] I KNEW it would some day come out that I'm a witch.
JOEY: [not having listened] What are we talking about?
RACH: [hits him again with the binoculars] Will you pay attention? Or else I will have to hit you very hard again, and you know that you always start to bleed when I do.
ROSS: Rach, actually we ALL would like to know what we're "busted" for. See, Phoebs and me have no idea.
PHOE: And don't hit Joey, he's half Italian, he can't take punches.
ROSS: So seriously Rachel, what's going on here?
RACH: What's going on? Oh like you don't know what's going on! You guys make me so sick, trying to pretend like you don't know what's going on. Well Rachel knows better!
ROSS: Still don't have an idea what you're talking about.
JOEY: Yeah, neither do I. Come on Rach, are we spying on Monica and Chandler, or are we spying on Phoebe and Ross?
PHOE: What, you were spying on US? I would have expected that of you Rachel, but I thought Joey had more decency.
JOEY: You would think so, wouldn't you?
ROSS: You were SPYING on us? Joey and Rachel?
RACH: [sarcasm] No, Jack and Judy Geller, what had you expected?
PHOE: Wow, that is so against the Friendship Code that it almost makes my sister seem like a good friend to have around.
RACH: Excuse me? Are you comparing me to a porn actress? You KNOW I would only do naked pictures! Now YOU'RE against the code! Right, Joey?
JOEY: Well, actually I stopped listening after you said that thing about the naked pictures, 'cause I was picturing them in my head. [off Rachel's look, to Phoebe and Ross, accusatory] Uh, on the other hand, you're not exactly following the code yourselves if you're spying on Chandler and Monica!
ROSS: Hey, I'm spying on Chandler and Monica for my sister's sake, okay? Just to make sure what's going on, to help her sort out her life.
CHAN: [voice-over, in the present] And that is accomplished by SPYING on her?
ROSS: [voice-over, in the present] Hey, you're out on thin ice for your behaviour anyway, don't start to criticise my story!
PHOE: Yes, and I am totally behind Ross! I'm helping him help his sister because she is my good friend. And he asked me to. And I had nothing better to do.
JOEY: Neither did I, why do you think I came her with Rachel to spy on you guys?
RACH: Excuse me Joey, you're supposed to be on MY side! This is close to fraternising!
JOEY: What does that mean?
RACH: [voice-over, in the present] It means you're a backstabber.
RACH: Joey keep quiet, stand nicely on the side and only nod if I ask you to!
JOEY: Okay, I will. But could you just get to the point and accuse them of sleeping together? My legs are starting to grow mildew, here!
JOEY: [voice-over, in the present] I don't remember that bit.
CHAN: [voice-over, in the present] Joey put a sock in it. I wanna know what really happened. [pause] And then I want to know what the heck this whole "Ross and Phoebe are having sex" thing is all about.
RACH: [voice-over, in the present, eager] Ha! Chandler knows you're doing it too!
CHAN: [voice-over, in the present] What? No I don't. Don't drag me into all of this!
PHOE: What, wait a minute... Me sleeping with Ross? Where did you get that idea?
ROSS: Believe me guys, I would surely have remembered sleeping with Phoebe.
PHOE: And neither of us have any such memory, so could you just please let us know what this is all about?
JOEY: Wait, you're... NOT having sex?
PHOE: [upset over the accusation] NO!
JOEY: Oh. So then why has Rachel dragged me around threatening to hurt me bad if I don't help her gather evidence? How come she had me stay at home and take notes from episodes of "Murder, She Wrote"?
ROSS: And you guys say I don't have a life...
RACH: Joey I am going to hurt you bad anyway! You freak show, you moron, you're too stupid to be out among regular people, you [a beep sound like they use to cover swear words], you [beep sound five times over], no [beep sound] can be as [beep sound] as [beep sound]. Go get the [beep sound] evidence instead of [beep sound] here like some [beep sound twice]!
ROSS: Evidence?
PHOE: I don't get it, there's nothing going on, so how can there be evidence?
ROSS: There is none. I think our swearing friend has gotten a bit out of hand.
RACH: Have not, you [two beep sounds]! And don't call me your swearing friend I never [beep sound] swear!
ROSS: You just did.
RACH: [ignoring the comment] You want to see the evidence, [beep sound]? Well here's your [beep sound] evidence! [holds up the Dictaphone] On this device, I have got evidence, REAL evidence, that YOU [points to Phoebe] are guilty of sleeping with [points to Ross] YOU!
JOEY: On that stupid little tape-recorder thing?
RACH: Joey, for once in your life be QUIET!
[In anger she snatches away his baseball cap and throws it away like a Frisbee]
JOEY: [composing tears] My, my cap! My cap! My [beep sound] cap! [off the others' confused look] Sorry, I got carried away. [runs to get it, sobbing]
RACH: There we go, we're rid of the skid.
ROSS: Please solemnly swear that you'll never use that phrase ever again.
RACH: Shut your mouth. You're not Tarzan just 'cause you smell like monkey. Meet the proof!

[She hits play,

She hits play we here Joey fiddling with a candy wrapper then chewing loudly followed by Rachel.

RACH: I think this may be the [beep] best day of my [beep] life, I finally get the proof to show that [3 beeps] vixen Phoebe for what she really is.
JOEY: [mad] I love our Phoebe. Don’t say things like that.
RACH: Not as much as she [beep] loves Ross by the sounds of [beep] things, man she really has her [beep] claws in, now [beep] Shut up, they are still talking.]

ROSS: THAT'S your proof? Rachel, you only proved that you're not capable of handling a Dictaphone! And that you are really mean and spiteful.
PHOE: I think that's MY Dictaphone. [angry, to Rachel, giving her a light push] How COULD you think something like that of us… of me?
[Joey comes back, looking weepy, and sees the binoculars on the ground, since Rachel lost them when Phoebe gave her the push. Joey starts to cry again, and picks the binoculars up and places them in the cap]
RACH: Joey did you have to come back here and ruin everything? I had them RIGHT where I wanted them! Well, more or less... [off Phoebe's and Ross's angry looks] By the way, see you later, I'm off to save my own ass, talk to ya' later.
JOEY: [weepy] So I missed everything? The whole confrontation? No fair!
ROSS: [to Rachel, mad] Rach, how could you even suspect us for something like this? Phoebe and I are FRIENDS, just friends, not... the FF kind...
RACH: [angry] Well don't blame me for you two being so [beep sound] horny that you go to each other instead of... of... other people! And by the way, you're together all the [beep sound] time! Plus I bet Phoebe is out to ruin my entire life, take over my job at Ralph Lauren and then to top it all off get a job as Au Pair for someone famous!
PHOE: You wanna be an Au Pair?
RACH: Not to anyone who's not famous. Okay, you two idiots are so wacko, I'm gonna go spend the evening in the company of people who don't sleep around! Where's Monica? She's the only one in this group who doesn't seem to jump the bones of everything that comes in her sight!
[She staggers off. Joey slowly follows, sad over the broken/dirty things]
ROSS: Can you believe that? Didn't that last bit sound way over the top?
PHOE: Not to mention the SWEARING!
ROSS: Yeah. Hey, let's make a deal though. For the sake of our incredibly weird friends, let's not tell anyone about this.
PHOE: Yeah. Unless of course someone tries to badmouth us with an untrue story of events.
[They finger swear and then each pick up a "My Friends" book from the bench and continue to fill a page out for each other]

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: Central Perk]

RACH: Ross you talk SOO much crap it is unbelievable….

ROSS: Fine then Rach if you don’t believe me why don’t we hear Phoebes side of things?

[Rach opens her mouth to protest]

CHAN: I think that is an excellent idea Ross.

[Rach sits sulking]

PHOE: Yes Ross thank you, I think I will… It happened like this…

[Cut to: Phoebe’s version]

[It starts right where Ross’s and Rachel’s did]

ROSS: [confused] Busted? What do you mean, "busted"?
RACH: I mean, you're BUSTED! [punches Phoebes arm like Katie] And so are you!
PHOE: [rubbing her arm, in disbelief] AGAIN??? Busted AGAIN??? [as if accused for a serious crime] I didn't do it!
JOEY: [not having listened] Didn't do what?
RACH: [hits him with the binoculars] YOU ARE SO STUPID!
ROSS: [pleading] PLEASE tell us what we were supposed to have done?
PHOE: [pointing at Rach] There better had been sufficient evidence… I have my experience of this kind and I know you NEED evidence…

RACH: Oh I am an expert with evidence, not only have I gathered evidence on your dirty little secret… but I got the dirt on Chandler too…

ROSS: Rachel you are such a snoop!

RACH: I am a gossip that is what I do best I MUST know what is going on at all times… its what makes me such a great BITCH…

PHOE: Rachel Karen Green you are such a snurfal!

RACH: Maybe… [tossing her hair and sticking her chest out] but you have to admit I’m good at it….

ROSS: How can you be proud of being so good at breaking the code?

RACH: [walking up close to Ross flirtatiously] I am good at everything I do… and proud of it… you should know that… [she bats her eyelids]

PHOE: Rach, you are crowding him…

ROSS: Yeah Rach, step back… [steps away]

JOEY: I thought he was supposed to be sleeping with Phoebe not you Rach…

RACH: [flirtatiously] Everyone wants to sleep with me Joey…

JOEY: I know the feeling…

RACH: [voice over] Phoebs you make me sound like some sorta slut….

PHOE: [flashback Phoebe to CP Rach voice over] Well you are a slut… Oops!

RACH: [voice over] I never came onto Ross, and I sure never told Joey that everyone wants to sleep with me!

CHAN: [voice over] Can we just get on with this please?

PHOE: Sex with Ross? I don’t think soo…

RACH: Don’t try to deny it I have evidence… very substantial evidence….

PHOE: Well you’ll need it…

RACH: Not that it is obvious… if Ross couldn’t have me I guess he was just trying to recreate things with you.

ROSS: I’m not sleeping with Phoebe and I sure DON’T wanna sleep with you….

PHOE: Just face it Rach, you are just jealous that Ross and I are better friends than you.

RACH: That’s a lie… everyone wants to be best friends with me….

JOEY: I thought you said everyone wanted to sleep with you?

RACH: Oh shut up Joey… [grabs his cap and throws it away, he runs after it]

JOEY: My CAP!?!?!

RACH: Anyway I have the evidence to present to you right here…

[She hits play on the Dictaphone. We hear Joey opening his snickers noisily, and chewing loudly, then Rachel saying "I think this may be the best day that I have had for a while, I finally get to show how amazing I am and to finally get the proof to show that complete but beautiful bitch Phoebe for what she really is"]
JOEY:    [mad] Hey that is Phoebe... our Phoebe, I love Phoebe.
RACH:    She loves Ross more than she loves anyone by the sounds of things… the bitch… he’s mine… [Rach hits stop]

RACH: [sheepish] Oops… I guess we weren’t close enough…

PHOE: So I’m a bitch huh?

RACH: [mad] That is crap I NEVER said bitch… I love you Phoebe… when your now sleeping with my ex-husbands that it… and calling me a slut… in fact if anyone is a slut it’s you… you are all out to get me…. Why does everyone hate me [she fake cries]

PHOE: Don’t even think of trying that one… the needy, vulnerable act doesn’t work on us…

[Rach looks up mad, Joey looks at her]

JOEY: [to Rach] How you doin’?

[Cut to: Central Perk]
[Monica walks in, everyone but Chandler looks at her suspiciously, she sits in the comfy chair by the side of the sofa.]
MNCA: [breaking the awkward silence] So what was going on with you guys at the party yesterday I heard some weird stories.
CHAN: [relief, sitting forward] Tell them too me, maybe we can make some sense of this.

MNCA: [confused] Ok…. Well Cousin Nathan told me he over heard all you guys arguing.

CHAN: Give us the details so we can settle this…

MNCA: Settle what???

ALL: TELL US!!

MNCA: [shocked] Okay, okay…

[Cut to: Monica’s version... the correct version]

[As before, just seconds after we left the four in the last fic]
ROSS: [confused] Busted? What do you mean, "busted"?
RACH: I mean, you're BUSTED! [points to Phoebe] And so are you!
PHOE: Oh, I know. I get busted all the time. But as usually [as if accused for a serious crime] I didn't do it!
JOEY: [not having listened] Didn't do what?
RACH: [hits him again with the binoculars] Will you pay attention?
ROSS: No, actually we all would like to know what we're "busted" for.
PHOE: And then we're gonna call our lawyers who will protect us during questioning!
ROSS: So seriously, what's going on here?
RACH: What's going on? Oh like you don't know what's going on!
ROSS: N... no, actually we don't.
JOEY: Yeah, neither do I. Come on Rach, are we spying on Monica and Chandler, or are we spying on Phoebe and Ross?
PHOE: What, you were spying on US?
JOEY: [to Rachel] Never mind, that answers my question.
ROSS: You were SPYING on us?
PHOE: Wow, that is so UNETHICAL! Not to mention TOTALLY against the Friendship Code.
RACH: Excuse me? Against the code? So WE'RE all of a sudden doing things against the code?
JOEY: [upset] Yeah! Exactly! Come on Rach, let's give them what they deserve! [to Phoebe and Ross, accusatory] Who are you to complain about us violating the code by spying on you, when YOU are spying on Mon and Chandler?
ROSS: [thinks] Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can come up with a comeback to that...
CHAN: [voice-over, in the present] So you WERE in fact spying on us? I thought you all made that up in your stories!
MNCA: [voice-over, in the present] Quiet, I'm telling you a story here!
PHOE: [eager] Oh, oh, I've got one! Yeah, at least we're only spying on TWO of our friends, not ALL of our friends!
JOEY: Yeah, you got me there!
RACH: Joey! Come on, that wasn't even what I was referring to!
JOEY: It... wasn't?
JOEY: [voice-over, in the present] It wasn't?
RACH: Hell no! [to Phoebe, angry] I'm referring to YOU screwing my ex-husband!
JOEY: [remembers, to Phoebe and Ross, accusatory] That's right!
JOEY: [voice-over, in the present] Now I remember.
CHAN: [voice-over, in the present] We've heard this story four times before, and NOW you remember?
MNCA: [voice-over, in the present, sighing] Any time you're done talking, just let me know...
JOEY: [voice-over, in the present] Sorry.
PHOE: What, wait a minute, I never screwed Ross!
ROSS: No, she hasn't, and that's VERY unethical of you to suggest!
PHOE: Yeah, and screwing is such an ugly word!
JOEY: Wait, you're... NOT having sex?
PHOE: [upset over the accusation] NO!
JOEY: Oh. [content] Well that settles that then, come on Rach, if we hurry home we can make it in time to order pizza before "Matlock" is on.
ROSS: [pitiful] No one our age watches "Matlock".
RACH: [ignoring the new subject] You might say that you're not doing it, but the evidence says something else!
ROSS: Evidence?
PHOE: Oh, it will NEVER top the great evidence we--
ROSS: Phoebe, sweetie, be quiet, I wanna hear what the so-called evidence is.
RACH: Well, for one thing you just called her "sweetie".
ROSS: So? YOU call the store clerks at Rue 21 "sweetie".
RACH: [ignoring the comment] Well there's more evidence as well. Like THIS, for example! [holds up the Dictaphone] On this device, I have got hardback evidence that YOU [points to Phoebe] are guilty of sleeping with [points to Ross] YOU!
JOEY: You do? When did you get that? And how come you didn't tell ME? [upset] I thought we were in on this together!
RACH: Joey, for once in your life be QUIET!
[In anger she snatches away his baseball cap and throws it away like a Frisbee]
JOEY: [composing tears] My, my cap! My cap! [runs to get it, sobbing]
RACH: FINALLY, some peace and quiet around here! Now, let's see, Phoebe and Ross--
ROSS: [upset] Could someone for ONCE mention me first?
RACH: Meet the proof!
[She hits play we here Joey fiddling with a candy wrapper then chewing loudly followed by Rachel.

RACH: I think this may be the best day that I have had for a while, we finally get the proof to show that vixen Phoebe for what she really is.
JOEY: [mad] Hey that is Phoebe... our Phoebe, I love Phoebe.
RACH: Not as much as she loves Ross by the sounds of things, man she really has her claws in, now sch we might get more.]
ROSS: THAT'S your proof? Rachel, you only proved that you're dumber than dirt yourself!
PHOE: Okay, that was a bit mean to say Ross, but [angry, to Rachel, sort of smacking her on the arm] how COULD you think something like that of us? And say that about me?
[Joey comes back, looking weepy, and sees that the binoculars are on the ground, since Rachel dropped them when Phoebe hit her on the arm. Joey starts to cry again, and picks the binoculars up and places them in the cap]
RACH: [nervously] Joey, uh... there's, uh... something wrong with our evidence... [off Phoebe's and Ross's angry looks] Uh, maybe I'll be better of just throwing it away, huh?
JOEY: [weepy] So there's gonna be MORE bloodshed here today? I don't LIKE the three of you right now, Rachel threw my cap in the dirt, Phoebe caused the binoculars to fall in the dirt, and Ross... Ross is geeky.
ROSS: [to Rachel, mad] Rach, how could you even suspect us for something like this?
RACH: [angry] Well you're always together, Phoebe walks around in your robe, you go get coffee to get reenergized after being "at it" all night long!
PHOE: Yeah you're right, it DOES sound like we were sleeping together. [angry] So what's wrong with ASKING us, huh? Instead you chose to invade our privacy and follow us around like we were suspects in a murder case?
RACH: Uh, Joey..? I think we'd better save ourselves... RUN!
[She runs of, to avoid further confrontation. Joey slowly follows, sad over the broken/dirty things]
ROSS: [angry] Oh, can you BELIEVE them?
PHOE: [angry] The NERVE!
ROSS: Oh look, I think I see Chandler up in Monica's room!
PHOE: WHERE?
[They get their binoculars and start to spy on Monica and Chandler again]

[Closing Credits]

[Scene: Central Perk. It’s later in the day. Chandler and Monica are the only ones left. Monica’s on the couch and Chandler’s in the arm chair. He gets up and sits on the couch, as far away from Monica as he can, to see if she reacts negatively. Then he slowly moves closer until he’s close enough to touch her. She just stares at him like he was a UFO]
CHAN: [nervous] So, how, how are you, b, babe?
MNCA: [cold] Never been better.
CHAN: [chuckles] Yeah, me too. [realizes] No wait a minute, that’s not right. [he smiles at her but get nothing back, then he harks] So, so, I, I was thinking about the last time we saw each other... [sees she still shows no reaction] and well, you know, a slight reaction out of you when the subject comes up could be nice.
MNCA: [slightly sarcastic and very annoyed] I’m a big, big girl in a big, big world, it’s not a big, big thing if you leave me.
CHAN: Hey, YOU left ME! [pause] I’m waiting for you to finish quoting. [off her look] But you’re not gonna, right... Uhm listen, I was thinking that yesterday we were both stressed out and worked up over the anniversary deal. And, and my job... I was thinking that [chuckles as if to relieve the tension] neither of us really meant what we said. [off her look] Okay, so you might have meant what you said.
MNCA: [seeing an opportunity] Wait, does this mean that you’re ready to admit that you lied yesterday?
CHAN: [confused] About what?
MNCA: [to herself] I should have known...
CHAN: Uhm, honey, listen, I-- [he puts his hand over hers but she recoils and he does too in slight shock and nervousness] Okay, you’re still set on the no touching thing... [serious] Monica we love each other. We can work past anything together. You know that, I know that, I mean BILL CLINTON knows that! Or he would, if he knew us. But the point is this is all silly, we should just sit down and talk and then you can come back home.
MNCA: I have another suggestion. YOU admit what you’ve done, I stay away until I’ve decided what to do about all of this and THEN we see where we end up.
CHAN: [pause] I liked the quoting part better.
MNCA: [while scrabbling something down on a piece of paper] Call it being on a break if you choose to, call it being broken up if you want to, call it an open relationship if you have to--
CHAN: Open relationship?
MNCA: Yeah, your favourite thing in the world, remember? [rises] I’ll be in touch. And until you decide to confess to me then we’re not gonna make any progress. [hands him the piece of paper] And here’s your precious quote. Find the hidden meaning. [leaves]
CHAN: [reading] I have your arms around me, warm like fire. But when I open my eyes, you’re gone. [calling after her] Yeah well you should have just continued with the chorus! [realizes] You can’t hear me!
[He sighs and sits back. Gunther comes over with coffee]
GUNTHER: So Chandler, Monica’s on the market now again, huh?
CHAN: Watch it. [confused] Why would you care anyway? And don’t tell me you’re thinking of setting her up with one of your weird friends again, that one who dressed up as Tinky Winky still gives her nightmares.
GUNTHER: No, actually I was thinking that since things never seem to happen with Rachel I might as well go for it with Rachel’s best friend.
CHAN: Not if you and I are gonna be friends.
GUNTHER: May I ask what she wants you to confess?
CHAN: Your guess would be as good as mine. Probably better, actually. The only thing I can think of that could have hurt her is something I’ve already apologised for.
GUNTHER: Maybe you were drunk one night and made out with Rachel? [off Chandler’s look] Well, you know, I wouldn’t like you as much if you had, but who can resist her? [walks off]
 

The end!