[Opening Scene]

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's there except for Chandler, in their usual
spots talking and drinking coffee]
ROSS:    So, what are we all up to this weekend?
JOEY:    I have a date with a beautiful red head
RACH:   Wow, so what's her name?
JOEY:    I don't know... beautiful red head.
[Rachel and Phoebe hit him]
ROSS:    I have a date with Elizabeth.
RACH:   Yeah that's great... I have a date too.
PHOE:    Wow, so do I how weird is that we all have dates.
MNCA:    Well actually I don't.
ALL:    [in surprise] What?
RACH:    What about Chandler?... Oh my god you guys haven't broken up have
You? [to the others, annoyed] Why was I left out of the loop?
MNCA:    No... No nothing that drastic, he is just having problems with his
W.E.N.U.S.
ROSS:    [disgusted] Eww Mon, to much information!
MNCA:    No, at work, his Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics [smiles] its
a processing term.
JOEY:    You actually listen when he talks about that stuff?
MNCA:    [smiling even more] Yeah, I do.
PHOE:    So, he is blowing you off for work?
MNCA:    [getting defensive] He's not blowing me off, we never had plans.
RACH:    You guys don't need plans... [Thinking] I think every Saturday
night since you guys have been dating you have been together.
MNCA:  [face falling]  What?
PHOE:    Yeah she is right, whether you have been with us or [in a sexy
voice] alone... you have been together.
MNCA:    [sudden realisation] Oh my god you are right!
ROSS:    And you can't break that tradition now.
MNCA:    [getting up in a panic] I have to go call him!
[She exits to use the phone. Ross starts to giggle]
PHOE:    What are you laughing at?
ROSS:    Just her and... [Mimicking himself] "You can't break the tradition
now"! [he keeps laughing]
RACH:    That's not funny.
JOEY:    If they aren't together they do break the tradition.
[Ross stops laughing and looks serious]
ROSS:    I thought we were kidding.
JOEY:    [hurt] Nu-uh no way, he can't work he has to be with her!
ROSS:    Oh come on, one night what difference will that make?
[All gasp]
RACH:    You are not funny.
ROSS:    I wasn't trying to be funny.
[They turn at the sound of Mon yelling]
MNCA:    [into phone] No I am not joking... No I'm not... I don't want your
apologies... I want you to come do something with me on Saturday... What do
you mean like what, anything, do we need a reason to be together... So you
care more about your work than me is that what you are saying... Do I?... Do
I know you love me?... Saying it is just words, you have to show me once in
a while... [she doesn't notice but the whole coffee house is watching her]
I'm not talking about sex Chandler... [notices the coffee house watching
her, slowly turns away embarrassed, the camera moves with her] I am talking
about this weekend... Fine then work but don't expect me to be
waiting around after done and you decide I deserve some of your precious
attention!
[she slams down the phone and turns to notice the whole coffee house
watching her again she smiles nervously and returns to her friends]

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's. Ross and Phoebe are there. Ross puts the last
card up on a house of cards]
PHOE: [exited] Yay! It's done!
ROSS: See? I told you it wouldn't take us more than five, six hours.
PHOE: [calling out] Monica? Monica! Monica!  [To Ross] Where's Monica, she
needs to hear about my [flashy] triumph.
ROSS: OUR triumph.
PHOE: Yeah, uhm, whatever... Monica? Mon, where are you, [to Ross] where
isshe?
ROSS: [glaring at her] At work?
PHOE: Oh... Yeah, I remember now. Well let's call her!
ROSS: Or, we can wait for about an hour until she gets back. I mean, how
long can she be working on a Saturday?
PHOE: Yeah, you go ahead and wait, I'm calling her right now!
[She moves over to Chandler's recliner and picks up the phone and dials]
ROSS: When you talk to her, don't forget to tell her that _I_ helped out
too!
PHOE: Yeah, whatever. [On phone] Hey Monica! [Listens] Yeah, who cares about
your day? Listen to this. I have just--
[Ross harks meaningly]
PHOE: [on phone] Fine, okay, so ROSS and I have just finished... tadam
tada... A house of cards! Yeah, just wanted to tell you, bye!
[She hangs up and then thinks of something]
PHOE: Should I call Chandler too?
ROSS: [rolls eyes] Why don't you just call the New York Times?
PHOE: GREAT idea!
[She starts to dial]
ROSS: No, Phoebe. Phoebe come on, don't call the New York Times. Phoebe!
[He tries to grab the phone. They wrestle over it for a few seconds. Ross
keeps saying "give it here" and Phoebe keeps saying "let it go"]
PHOE: [throws the phone away] Oh, there! Now I'm not on the phone with them,
are you happy?
ROSS: [angry] No, 'cause you threw the phone on the card house!
PHOE: [her typical] Oh no.

[Cut to: Joey's. Rachel is sitting in a barca painting her nails, facing
Joey who is sitting at the counter eating cereal]
JOEY:    [moaning] How come you have to do that now?... it smells.
RACH:    [mimic moaning] How come you are eating cereal at four in the
afternoon?
JOEY:    [getting defensive]Hey, I'm not killing you with what I am doing.
RACH:    Oh, and I'm killing you with this? [she lifts her hand]
JOEY: Yes actually you are, Chandler told me solvents can kill instantly.
RACH:    When did he tell you that.
JOEY:    When I was watching paint dry.
RACH:    [hiding laughter] you, you were watching paint dry?
JOEY:    Sure, it was supposed to be exciting, but it must be some arty
thing, because it was booorrring.
RACH:   [laughing] What made you think it would be exciting?
JOEY:    Well, Ross said that this lecture on dinosaurs and it was
[mimicking Ross] "as exciting as watching paint dry". And I knew he liked
that kinda stuff and I was bored one day so.
[Rachel laughs loudly]
JOEY: [innocently] What, what is so funny?
RACH:    [calming down] Joey, its just...
[She is cut off by the phone ringing. She answers it, we get a split screen
with her and Ross, he sounds desperate]
ROSS:    Oh good RACH I was hoping you would be home, look I need to ask you
a really big favour.
RACH:    [concerned] What... what is it Ross?
ROSS:    Well remember I said I had that date tonight, with Elizabeth.
RACH:    Yeah?
ROSS:    Well I was kinda going to introduce her to Ben.
RACH:    Aww, Ross that is so sweet, hey maybe she can play with his Barbie.
ROSS:    Ha, Ha, anyway it's not gonna happen, it turns out I have this big
open night thing at the university and I have to be there to represent my
department, I have managed to talk to Elizabeth but I need someone to watch
Ben... would you?
RACH:    What, no, I can't I have a date.
ROSS:    Please Rach? I need to do this tonight it is the first time my boss
has put so much faith in me.
RACH:    Well what about Mon?
ROSS:    She is still holding out for Chandler to come through, Phoebe has a
date and we are busy right now anyway, she will be exhausted by tonight.
[We see Phoebe in the background carefully placing a card on the house of
cards but it collapses]
ROSS: So will that leave me with you or Joey?
RACH:    Fine, Joey will do it [before he can get a word in] Okay then, see
you later bye!
[She puts down the phone, and turns and smiles slyly at Joey]
JOEY:    [still eating his cereal] What?
RACH:    That was Ross on the phone; he needs you to do him a favour.

[Cut to: Chandler's office. Chandler's sitting at his desk, working,
stressed out]
CHAN: Wow, isn't this the way to spend a Saturday? [thinks] I hope I meant
that sarcastically...
HELEN: [the secretary... from intercom] Mr. Bing, your girlfriend on line
two.
CHAN: [sighs] Thanks Helen. [Pause, realises, presses the intercom button]
Thanks Helen. [picks up phone] Hi Mon. [pause, realizes] Damn! [Presses
number two] Hi Mon.
MNCA: [from her work... we'll see her when she's talking and Chandler when
he's talking...] Hey Chandler. [Sexy voice] Do you miss me?
CHAN: [checks watch] It's 12:35, how can I have started to miss you? [Off
the silence] Uh, I mean, I miss you VERY much honey.
MNCA: Yeah, me too... So. How long do you think you'll be working tonight?
CHAN: [sighs] Monica, come on, we've been over this... I have to work,
otherwise Doug won't be happy. And if I think Doug smacks me in the ass hard
when he's HAPPY I sure don't want to find out how hard he's gonna hit when
he's MAD.
MNCA: [sexy voice] You know... I could help... Take care of your butt later
on.
CHAN: [shocked at the comment] Uh, honey, do you know my secretary's
probably listening to us?
[We hear how Helen makes an annoyed noise and hangs up her phone]
MNCA: Well she's not anymore.
CHAN: Listen Mon, nice of you to offer, but I really need to work tonight.
You know I do, we've been discussing it all week long.
MNCA: No we haven't. I found out this morning.
CHAN: Whatever. Look Hon, love you and everything, but I really, REALLY need
to go now...
MNCA: [annoyed] Fine.
[She hangs up. Chandler sighs and hangs up too]
CHAN: Note to self, buy girlfriend some pretty flowers to make her happy...
and fire the secretary.
HELEN: [from intercom] I can eavesdrop by this too, you know. And I would
have fixed the flower thing if you hadn't opened your big mouth.
[Chandler makes a face]
HELEN: [from intercom] And Ms. Geller's on phone again, line one.
CHAN: [sighs] Damn it. [Picking up phone and pressing one, sweetly] Hi
honey, did you miss me?
JUDYGELLER: [shocked, on the other end] No, not really, but thanks anyway
Chandler. I was just calling to hear if you and Monica were still set for
dinner with us next week.
CHAN: [ashamed] Yeah, don't know, will have to get back to you on that, bye!
[Hangs up, looking seriously ashamed]
HELEN: [from intercom] Made pretty huge fool of yourself, huh?
CHAN: [testy] Hey, do you want your last months pay when you leave, or not?

[Cut to: Monica's and Chandler's. Ross and Phoebe are at the dinner table
trying to construct their House of Cards again, they are sitting looking at
two cards leaning on each other to
make a triangle]
PHOE: Well it kinda looks the same.
ROSS: It looks nothing like the last one.
PHOE: [overreacting] You're right Ross its over, finished we can never
recreate what we had!
[She throws her head into her arms collapsing on the table]
ROSS: No don't talk like that we can never give up.
PHOE: [sitting up] Its hopeless Ross, what is the point of even trying.
ROSS: [Standing up, giving a pep talk] I didn't cancel my date and lie to my
friend just to sit around and listen to you feel sorry for yourself, I say
we try, try and try again, we will stay up all night and all day until we
have triumphed again, together we can build a bigger, better and stronger
house of cards than the world has ever seen. Two heads are better than one
and together we CAN do it, are you with me?
PHOE: [standing] Lets do it!
[They both pick up cards and start carefully building the house]
PHOE: So you lied to Rachel?
ROSS: Well someone had to watch Ben and she wouldn't have done it if I had
told her the truth, and the work thing was more believable.
PHOE: So why didn't you just call and lie to Monica, she loves Ben you
wouldn't have had to persuade her.
ROSS: [timid] Yeah but if she found out she would kick my ass.
PHOE: Oh and Rachel won't?
ROSS: Sure she would but Monica has her ways of finding out this stuff,
Rachel would never find out.
PHOE: [standing up straight and looking at him] But we are right across the
hall from her house.
ROSS: [standing up straight] Oh yeah.
[Phoebe sneezes and the house collapses]
ROSS: We could take it to mine and then she and Monica would never find out.
PHOE: Yeah okay.
[They gather up the scattered cards]
PHOE:  [on there way out] Do the speech again.
[They exit]

[Cut to: Joey's. He is suspecting that there's something Rachel isn't
telling him, so he's "interrogating" her]
JOEY: Now, let's go through this one more time, Miss Green. You're
ABSOLUTELY sure Mr. Geller said that only I could watch Ben tonight?
RACH: Well, yeah! I mean, who'd trust ME to take care of Ben?
JOEY: That's a good point. But on the other hand, would _I_ do a much better
job?
RACH: That's also a good point.
JOEY: Okay, so you're telling me, and remember, you're under oath!
RACH: I don't think swearing on a stack of porno magazines count.
JOEY: You're telling me that Mr. Geller wanted ME to watch Ben?
RACH: YES!
[The phone rings. Joey answers]
JOEY: [answering, in sexy voice] Hey, if you're a gorgeous babe then you've
sure dialled the right number.
ROSS: [on the other end] Huh?
JOEY: Oh. Sorry. Ross, am I supposed to take care of Ben tonight?
ROSS: Well yeah, Rachel said you'd do it.
JOEY: RACHEL said?
RACH: Objection!
JOEY: [to Rachel] Overruled. [On phone] Mr. Geller, you're telling me that
you did in fact NOT tell Miss. Green that _I_ should watch Ben?
ROSS: [confused] No. Listen, I was just wondering, do you have any super
glue that I could borrow? I can come pick it up when I drop off Ben.
JOEY: No, sorry, try at Monica's.
ROSS: Okay, thanks anyway. Oh, and one more thing. Do you watch "LA Law"
often?
JOEY: Yeah.
ROSS: Stop doing that.
[They hang up]
JOEY: [turns to Rachel] So.. Miss. Green... New evidence has proved that you
were in fact lying.
RACH: Yeah, so? It was a pretty good lie, don't you think?
JOEY: No, you've lied allot better in your time. And by the way, the court
finds you guilty as charged of lying under oath.
RACH: I think that's called--
JOEY: [cutting in] No it's not, and don't upset the judge! [Points to the
rooster] Rachel Karen Green, this court hereby sentences you to baby-sitting
Ben tonight.
RACH: [rises, angry] Okay, but get this, judge Tribbiani! I will take you to
Supreme Court, using my own defence lawyer, Monica Geller, and she will make
you look like such a fool that you will never show your face in "Law and
Order", body-bag or no body bag!
JOEY: Yeah, go ahead, but she's busy tonight trying to talk attorney
Chandler Bing into having dinner with her. [Suspicious] Personally I think
she's trying to trick him into loosing his next case.
RACH: Okay, Joey you DO know they're not actually lawyers, right? And by the
way, if I can't use my lawyer Geller, I'll use her... uh... assistant!
Lawyer Bouffay!
JOEY: She's on a date. And so is the other Geller person.
RACH: Fine, I'll use... uh... [points to the duck] HIM!
JOEY: [hurt, to the duck] You're abandoning me, Chuck? You know, we GIVE and
you GIVE and you GIVE and [to Rachel, angry] you're baby-sitting Ben
tonight!

[Cut to: Chandlers office. Chandler is typing on his computer looking
stressed, the computer beeps at him, he presses another key, it beeps again,
this happens two or three times before Chandler throws himself back in his
chair]
CHAN:    Dammit, why won't this thing work... [He looks at the clock] What
are you doing here, you could be at home with the most beautiful woman in
the world, and yet you are staring at number after number after... [He is
interrupted by the intercom] thank god that could have been a long and
frustrating conversation... conversation, do you call it a conversation when
you are talking to yourself, a monologue maybe. [the intercom beeps again]
Oh, right... [presses the intercom button] what is it Helen?
HELEN:    [through the intercom] Mr. Bing, Ms. Geller is here.
CHAN:    [surprised] Here... as in here in my office, now.
HELEN:    Not really in your office sir but she is out here, do you want me
to ask her to leave?
CHAN:    NO, NO [to himself] that certainly wouldn't help my case. [through
Intercom] Send her in... Oh and Helen go home I know it is early but I will
be here a while yet and you'll need to be in first thing.
HELEN:    [through Intercom] OK, thank you sir.
[Chandler turns to face the door as Monica enters]
CHAN:    Hey, what are you doing here?
MNCA:    Well, you know the saying... if the mountain won't come to
Mohammed...
[He looks confused]
MNCA: You're the mountain, so...
CHAN:    So that makes you Mohammed?
[Monica scowls at him]
CHAN: Look, I'm sorry but really I don't have time to stop.
MNCA:    I brought Chinese food
[She produces a bag filled with Chinese food cartons from behind her back,
she puts it on his desk and he hurriedly removes some papers from under the
bag. Mon goes round to him and sits in his lap and kisses him on the cheek]
MNCA:    [taking a carton out of the bag] Who says you can't have the best
of both worlds?
CHAN:    Monica...
MNCA:    [looking at the computer] So, what are we doing?
CHAN:    Nothing, WE are not doing anything [gets up therefore forcing her
to stand] Look Mon, [ushering her towards the door] why don't you go home
and get an early night I'm sure you have had a long hard day at work too, we
can catch up later, I won't be more than another six, seven hours tops...
MNCA:    Six or seven hours, but Chandler it is already five o'clock.
CHAN:    Midnight, I'll be home by midnight okay, I promise!
[They are now at the door. He opens it. Monica turns to face him and they
are standing very close together]
MNCA:  [moans] Midnight, but what is left to do at midnight... Oh.
[suggestively] but I can think of one thing! [smiles suggestively]
CHAN:    Not tonight Mon, I am really tired already and I don't know how
much this will take out of me, plus I have to be up really early tomorrow...
I'm sorry.
[She looks disappointed. He leans down and kisses her very passionately, she
doesn't kiss him back]
CHAN: Are you really that mad at me?
MNCA:    [mad] Do you really want an answer to that question? [storms off]
CHAN:    [yelling after her] I love you!
[He sighs and leans against the door frame looking after her. He looks like
he is about to go back into his office when suddenly Monica appears back,
she walks over to him and kisses him very passionately. He looks at her
surprised and questionly]
MNCA:    I am still mad at you but... [touches his face] you are so cute,
and just so good at that. [she smiles, he looks smug, mad] but you are not
forgiven!
[She storms off again, he looks down and slowly walks back into his office,
and closes the door]

[Cut to: Ross's place. Phoebe's using tape to get the cards to stick to each
other]
ROSS: I don't get it, how on earth did we get it to work the first time?
PHOE: Who cares, what's that gonna help us?
ROSS: [stating the obvious] It might give us a hint for how to build it up
again.
PHOE: [realises] Oh. Well, this tape idea isn't really working out. Man, we
should have taken a picture of it when we'd built it the first time, and
then we would have proof.
ROSS: Sure, but I think my sister would have been pretty surprised to
develop the roll and find a picture of me, smiling big next to a house of
cards.
PHOE: Maybe, but since _I_ would be the on-camera person you wouldn't have
to worry about it so much.
ROSS: Wait a minute, how come YOU get to be on-camera?
PHOE: 'Cause I'm photogenic, but you sure aren't. [off Ross's look] Well I'm
sorry, but if your friends can't tell you the truth then who will?
ROSS: I prefer to live a lie, thank you very much.
PHOE: Well good, 'cause that will be what everyone thinks you're doing if we
don't get this damn house of cards back as it was!
ROSS: [leaning two cards against each other] Can't we just say we were
making a tepee, or something? You know, like a tent.
PHOE: Yeah, but it was much cooler when it was a mansion. Come on, let's
have another go at it! [off Ross's look] Oh with the HOUSE you pervert!
ROSS: Okay, but I'm gonna give my sister a call, to see if she's got any
glue. [picks up phone and dials]
PHOE: And while you're at it, ask her if she can remember anything I said
about cards. [off Ross's look] What? If she doesn't remember then what's the
point of building it up again?
ROSS: Stupid answering machine! Okay, I can call Chandler at work instead.
PHOE: How about Monica at work? I mean, at these hours she should still be
there, right? Lunch was over a few hours ago.
ROSS: Only chefs can't have lunch at the same time as everyone else.
PHOE: They can't?
ROSS: [on phone] Hey Chandler. How come your secretary didn't answer?
[listens] Chandler, calm down, I was not trying to rush you! [listens] No,
and calm down, okay? [listens] Yeah, fine, I'll hold. [to Phoebe] On second
thought, this might not be the right time to ask a favour of him. [listens]
Chandler what are you screaming about, take it easy or you might have a
heart attack!

[Cut to: Joey's. Him and Rachel are sitting, facing each other on opposite
sides of the counter. They are playing rock paper scissors, Joey does Rock
and Rachel Scissors, both look kinda tired]
RACH:    Okay, so that makes one hundred and eleven each.
JOEY: Right, [he moves his hand for another round]
RACH:    [getting up] No Joey no more, you are watching Ben tonight.
JOEY:    [getting up] No, I have a date, it has been planned for months
[Rachel looks at him in disbelief]
JOEY: Okay, so about 24 hours but still, that is a long time for me.
RACH:    My date is a rich, cute Doctor, I met him through my work and did I
forget to mention he was a doctor.
JOEY:    No Rach, I am going out tonight, I deserve it.
RACH:    Oh, and I don't. I work hard all day [she starts to fake cry] I
work and I work and I get nothing back, I try and I try and I am never
noticed for all the cool work I do and all the blood sweat and tears I have
put into this industry have gone un noticed for years.
[Joey looks sympathetic and puts his arm around Rachel]
JOEY:    Ah, Rach it's okay, you'll get there I know you will, you work
really hard and it is there loss if they don't notice you, and if it will
make you feel better you can go out and relax on your date and I'll watch
Ben.
RACH:    [walking to her room, happy] Thank you! [enters "her" room]
JOEY:    [annoyed] Hey, you were faking, you took advantage of me and my
gift of telling when women are needy and vulnerable... well that's it I take
it back I'm not watching Ben.
[Rachel runs back out]
RACH:    But you said you would!
JOEY:    I'm an actor, I faked too.
RACH:    You lie.
JOEY:    You can do it, I can do it you are just tasting your own medicine.
What's that like?

[Cut to: Chandler and Monica's. Monica is in the kitchen, clearly trying to
hide the fact that she's annoyed]
CHAN: [entering, exhausted] Guess who's home early?
MNCA: The really cute guy in the apartment next to Ross's.
CHAN: Maybe, but I was going for... [as if with a fanfare] me!
MNCA: [bored] Right.
CHAN: Yeah, I decided that spending the evening with the woman that I
cherish is a bit more important than working. [off Monica's look] Okay, so I
got a headache and thought I might as well go home. So what's for dinner?
MNCA: I had dinner hours ago. It's seven o'clock, normal people eat between
five and six.
CHAN: That's several hours ago?
MNCA: More than one at least.
CHAN: [digging through the refrigerator] Wow, it's cold in here.
[There's a knock on the door. Monica answers. It's Ross]
ROSS: Yeah, do you have the glue?
MNCA: Here. [hands it to him]
ROSS: Thanks. [leaves]
CHAN: Hey honey, where's dinner?
MNCA: Okay... Okay, let me try this one more time. I had dinner already.
CHAN: But where's whatever I'm supposed to microwave?
MNCA: It's in the fantasy world. It doesn't exist.
CHAN: What?
MNCA: Don't look at me, Mr.
I'll-Be-Home-By-Midnight-And-Way-Too-Tired-To-Reward-My-Waiting-Girlfriend-With-Sex.
CHAN: Actually, my last name is Bing. [off her look] That was a joke.
MNCA: Eat a cucumber or something, I'm gonna take a bath.
CHAN: Cool, I can use a bath.
MNCA: Not with me you can't.
CHAN: [hugs her] Come on now babe, forgive and forget. I love you, and we
can still have a pleasant evening if only you forgive me.
MNCA: [smiles] Okay then.
CHAN: Fantastic, now where's my dinner? [the phone rings] I'll get it.
[answering] Yeah hello? [listens] Seriously? [listens] But everything was
fine when I left! [listens] Okay, I'll be right over. [hangs up] Darling,
we'll have to have a pleasant evening some other time, the W.E.N.U.S. has
broken down!
MNCA: [disbelief] The W.E.N.U.S. broke down?
CHAN: [stressed] Yeah, and it's a serious threat to the A.N.U.S.!
MNCA: [dry] Oh no.
CHAN: Yeah, so I need to go now!
MNCA: Fine. Go... [sighs] And. Whomever she is, I sure hope she's worth it.
CHAN: [not understanding what she means] I don't think the W.E.N.U.S.
actually has a gender. Bye. [leaves]

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: Ross' living room. Him and Phoebe are sitting on the sofa watching
TV, there are cards scattered all over the room, all over the table,
everywhere and Ross and Phoebe have them stuck to themselves on there
clothes, hands and faces etc.]
ROSS:    I told you the glue was a bad idea.
PHOE:    [looking stressed] I can't handle this Ross I feel like I might
explode, we can't give up.
ROSS:    Phoebe we promised each other that it was a one time thing, we
can't re create it, it is impossible and every time we try something goes
wrong, I mean look at the is place, they look around the room at the mess
and how did we get cards stuck to the walls anyway.
PHOE:    I don't care, we can do this against all the odds you said, hey
maybe we can get Joey and Rachel to help, you know use their beginners luck.
ROSS:    And how do I explain to them about my work thing and why they are
watching Ben? And anyway Ben would have to come and he is too little to
understand the concept of a House or Cards.
PHOE:    Ross please.
ROSS:    Okay, we can have one more try but after that we have to admit
defeat.
[They go over to the table and pick up some cards. They stand some together
and it is looking good]
PHOE:    See Ross it is all about patience and perseverance.
[The cards collapse, they look defeated]
ROSS:    [looking determined] And determination, come on Phoebs.
[They start again]

[Cut to: Joey's. Joey and Rachel are both dressed for a date]
JOEY: [checking watch] Okay. Okay, the time is 19:30, we've got around five
minutes to decide who stays at home and who goes out on a date.
RACH: Wait, I just thought of a way to solve it!
JOEY: How?
RACH: YOU stay home.
JOEY: Sure, that sounds great, YOU stay home.
RACH: Wait a minute, you just put words in my mouth that I didn't say!
JOEY: What? You said YOU would stay home.
RACH: I meant YOU as in [points to Joey] YOU!
JOEY: I know, YOU as in [points to Rachel] YOU!
RACH: Well, you know what, I CAN'T baby-sit Ben tonight, because look how
I'm dressed, I look like a whore.
JOEY: I know, you don't look half as great as I do.
RACH: Not where I was going, Joe.
JOEY: Just, just go change your clothes!
RACH: [angry] YOU change your clothes!
JOEY: Nope, sorry, I'm going on a date tonight.
[There's a knock on the door. Joey opens, it's Ross with Ben. When Ross sees
how Rachel is dressed he covers Ben's eyes]
ROSS: For god's sake Rachel, put some decent clothes on!
RACH: No need to, I'm going out tonight.
ROSS: Again: put some decent clothes on.
JOEY: Ross, are you SURE you can't get out of going to that museum thing?
ROSS: I work at NYU.
JOEY: Same difference.
ROSS: [his thoughts] This could be my chance to get them to help us out. But
wait a second Dr. Geller... This was yours and Phoebe's triumph, why should
we share the glory with these two? And besides, this might be a golden
opportunity to getting even with Rachel for the whole Bonnie thing...
[chuckles in his thoughts] And Monica says I hold grudges. [talking] No,
sorry.
JOEY: It took you all that time just to say "no, sorry"?
ROSS: [changing subject] Okay, well who's gonna watch Ben tonight?
JOEY: Rachel!
RACH: Joey!
ROSS: Rachel, I think you should watch Ben. Go get changed.
RACH: [annoyed] Oh MAN! Did I mention he's a DOCTOR?
ROSS: [thinking she means Ben] Did _I_ mention he's FIVE? [to Ben, taking
his hands away] Okay Ben, have fun, auntie Monica promised to pick you up in
a couple of hours, you can spend the night at her and Chandler's apartment.
[to himself] I guess my sister could use SOME male company tonight. [to them
all] Bye!
[He leaves. Rachel has gone and put a sweater on, Joey is happily skipping
around]
JOEY: [happy] Well Ben, have fu tonight, I'm gonna go [to Rachel, rubbing it
in] ON A DATE!
BEN: I don't want to spend the night with Rachel, I want to be with uncle
Joey!
JOEY: Oh no. I'm not your uncle! Ross is not my brother!
BEN: I want to spend the night with non-uncle Joey.
RACH: Haha, I got the last laugh!
JOEY: So what do we do, huh?
RACH: I don't know.
JOEY: Neither do I. [runs out] See ya'!

[Cut to: C&M's bedroom. It is dark Monica is in bed asleep alone. The phone
rings. Monica slowly lifts her head and sighs, she throws her head back down
into the pillow]
MNCA:    [to the phone] Go away, I'm asleep! [the phone rings again] Fine,
I'm up.
[She slowly sits up in bed, puts on the light, and lifts the receiver]
MNCA: [on phone] Hello.
[It is chandler, we see him when he talks and her when she does]
CHAN:    [surprisingly cheery] Hey Mon.
MNCA:    [grumpy] What do you want?
CHAN:    Oh that's a nice way to greet the one you love... [silence] So,
what you doing?
MNCA:    This is why you called me to find out what I was doing?
CHAN:    No... I just wanted to hear your voice... so what are you doing?
MNCA:    I was sleeping, not that it is any of your business, goodbye.
CHAN:    NO Mon don't hang up... sleeping really, but it is only 8 o'clock.
MNCA:    Well, you did say get an early night, I wasn't going to wait up
until twelve just to go to bed at the same time as you.
CHAN:    Actually Mon, I might be a little later than 12.
MNCA:    [in disbelief] What? but you promised.
CHAN:    I know but there is allot to do here and I just fired Helen so I
got a new secretary from another department, she was transferred over here
and she is supposed to be great and really easy to get on with.
MNCA:    [to herself] Easy, I'll bet. [to Chandler] So what time will you be
home?
CHAN:    Well, I might not be, you know with my new secretary and all.
MNCA:    Your secretary is there with you now?
CHAN:    Yeah she is willing to put in all the overtime until my W.E.N.U.S.
is fixed, isn't that great?
MNCA:    So you will be at work all night, alone in your office with your
new secretary?
CHAN:    Yeah, and I have a meeting first thing tomorrow, at six, I tell you
with all the stuff going on, me and Sabrina will be beat by the morning. I
don't know how well we'll come off at the meeting, but we are both young and
healthy, so that has to count for something right? Although, Sabrina is in
much better shape than me, she works out at the gym at least twice a week.
MNCA:    How nice. Sabrina I am guessing is your secretaries name?
CHAN:    Good guess. I gotta go, I am going out for coffee with Sabrina
before we get stuck in, you know maybe get something to eat, we wouldn't
wanna work up an appetite half way through, we will go the whole night if we
have no interruptions.
MNCA:    Great, I needed to know that.
CHAN:    Sabrina is beeping me, I gotta go, bye honey, I love you.
MNCA:    Words Chandler, words.
CHAN:    Excuse me?
MNCA:    Nothing, you go run out with your new secretary have fun.
CHAN:    Fun is an extra, it is really hard work.
MNCA:    Don't work to hard.
CHAN:    [laughing] Okay, I love you.
MNCA:    Whatever. [hangs up, to herself] A new secretary, a new secretary,
how convenient, just as he is working every night all night, a secretary who
is [mimicking Chandler] young and healthy who works out at the gym twice a
week, [herself now] works out I just hope she doesn't put out. Oh, Monica
stop being so paranoid, this is Chandler he loves you he would never hurt
you... right. So then why is he going to eat with her instead of you? Monica
forget it go back to sleep.
[She turns off the light and lies back down. A minute or so later she
reaches up and puts the light back on. She stares out at the ceiling with a
doubtful look on her face, she then suddenly burst out crying and turns
herself round burying her head in the pillow]

[Cut to: Ross's place. Ross and Phoebe are opening a box on the kitchen
table]
ROSS: Okay, and if David's Magic Card House Kit doesn't work, we'll just
copy a picture of a house of cards from the Internet and claim it's ours.
PHOE: Cool. I like doing something illegal, it's been a few years now.
ROSS: Okay, here we go... [reading instructions] Step one. Open the box.
PHOE: [sarcasm] Looks like we'll be needing those instructions.
ROSS: Step two, pick up the manual.
PHOE: Did they need something to fill out the pages with, or what's that all
about?
ROSS: Step three, lift up the cards from the box.
[Phoebe does that. She lifts one card, and it turns out it's an entire house
of cards already built, and stuck together so that you can just put it up
immediately]
PHOE: Do you really think anyone will buy this?
ROSS: Step four, place it on a table.
PHOE: Okay. [does that]
ROSS: Step five, remember not to let anyone touch it, or it will be revealed
that it's fake.
PHOE: [annoyed] Aw, this just isn't working!
[She throws it on the floor, and it makes a funny sound. Phoebe and Ross
share a look. Ross goes over and lifts it up, but now the cards have
detached]
ROSS: Phoebe, this cost me $7!
PHOE: $7 of junk.
ROSS: But still! [whiny] I think at least BEN would have bought it!

[Cut to: Joey's. Both Rachel and Joey are sitting on the sofa, arms folded,
not talking to each other because they are mad. Both are dressed for their
dates. Ben is building a house of cards on the floor in front of them (it is
really good)]
BEN: [to Joey] Can I have some juice?
JOEY: Sure, I'll just go to Auntie Monica's and get you some.
[He gets up. Rachel stands up too]
RACH: Oh no you don't I know you are going to sneak off.
JOEY: [trying to be innocent] Nu-uh. I am helping Ben.
RACH: Fine, then you won't mind me coming with you then will you?
JOEY: What about Ben?
RACH: He can come too, [to Ben] right Ben, how about we all go over to
Auntie Monica's and get you some juice?
BEN: Okay.
[He stands and they all move toward the door]
JOEY: [sarcastically] Nice to know our friendship is this strong Rachel, you
can't even trust me to go across the hall.
RACH: Well you wouldn't have to if you had food here I mean no wonder
Chandler moved out.
[All three exit]

[Cut to: C&M's. Monica is sitting on the sofa crying. Joey, Rachel and Ben
enter. Ben goes to the big window.
RACH: Hey Mon, [not noticing Monica is upset] we are just getting Ben some
juice.
MNCA: [stands, hiding her tears] Okay.  [goes to exit to her room]
JOEY: Hey, Mon you okay?
MNCA: Sure Joe, I'm fine.
JOEY: Okay then
[Monica exits to her room]
RACH: [from fridge] Okay Ben what do you want, we have Orange, Apple,
Tomato...
JOEY: Ben doesn't drink tomato juice, no one does.
RACH: [closing the fridge] Then why do they make it?
JOEY: [stumped] Phoebe will know, I bet it is to do with the government
[Rachel looks at him questioningly]
JOEY: Just give him a soda.
BEN: [from window] Which one is Daddy's house Auntie Rachel?
RACH: [going to window] Well sweetie I don't know if you'll see it but it
is.
[She looks out and sees Ross and Phoebe with the cards, she stands straight
up and looks mad]
RACH: How about we go see Daddies house close up Ben?
[Joey runs over with a soda for Ben]
RACH: I think he has some explaining to do.
JOEY: Here Ben. Hey, there is someone in Ross' house. Hey that's Phoebe
[gasps] Hey you don't think Ross is her date do you?
[Ross hands her a glass of wine]
JOEY: Oh my!

[Cut to: Chandler's office, later that night. The clock shows the time is
20:45. Chandler's pressing a key on the computer]
CHAN: Still won't work. [presses again] Still won't work. [presses again]
Still won't work. [presses again] Still won't work. [presses again] Still
won't work. [presses again] Still won't work. [presses again] Still won't
work. [presses again] Still won't work. [presses again] Still won't work.
DOUG: [entering] Bing, how's it going?
CHAN: Still won't work.
DOUG: Have you tried pressing "escape"?
CHAN: Sir, "escape" just closes the window for me, the error is still there.
DOUG: You sure?
CHAN: Pressing escape. [presses it] Still don't work.
DOUG: Huh. Maybe your, uh, hot new secretary can fix it?
CHAN: My hot new secretary can't even fix milk for the coffee.
DOUG: Well, it was worth a shot to get her in here, wasn't it?
CHAN: [rolls eyes] So how's Cara?
DOUG: [remembers] Oh... Right... Cara... The wife... Word of advice, don't
ever get married. It's a prison.
CHAN: So is working here, Monica thinks I'm in "W.E.N.U.S. County Jail".
[pause] Okay, so I made that up. But she does think I work too much.
DOUG: Hey, does your secretary work too much?
CHAN: No, why?
DOUG: No, nothing. I just thought, you know. if she wanted some more work,
she could come work for me. [laughs suggestively]
CHAN: Uh, sir? Okay, you DO know that I'M not the one you're supposed to say
that too? I don't arrange for her dates, you know.
DOUG: Yeah... Whatever. Call me when the W.E.N.U.S. works again.
CHAN: Okay... Okay, so where will I be able to reach you, ten years from
now?
DOUG: Give my love to Monica, bye. [leaves]
CHAN: Sure. Whenever she talks to me again. About ten years from now...

[Cut to: Ross'. Him and Phoebe and building the house and doing quite well,
but then it falls]
PHOE: [mad] Why did you do that?
ROSS: Do what?
PHOE: Knock down the house!
ROSS: [mad] I didn't you did...
PHOE: Did not...
ROSS: Did too...
PHOE: It's your apartment, its squint.
ROSS: Yeah like that's my fault.
PHOE: Sure it is.
ROSS: And how did you work that one out?
PHOE: It's all your stupid dinosaur rocks [she lifts a rock] they have
tilted your house! [she drops it and breaks it] Oops.
ROSS: Phoebe that is like billions of years old.
PHOE: [sorry] I'll pay for it.
ROSS: You can't buy them...
PHOE: Sure you can in your old museum they were in the gift shop.
ROSS: They were fake Phoebe.
[She gasps, he looks like a deer in the headlights]
PHOE: They were what?
ROSS: [lost] Umm, umm. [there is a knock at the door, relief] YES!...
[Phoebe glares at him] I'm gonna get the door why don't you carry on with
the house Phoebs?
[He goes to the door and opens it to reveal no one]
ROSS: [angrily shouting] Stupid, aggressive, immature children! Leave my
door alone!
[He slams the door shut. Joey and Rachel peek their heads out from around
the corner]
RACH: Well... At least he didn't say "we were on a break".
JOEY: I haven't been called so many bad things at once for a couple of
weeks... at least not so many bad things I understand. And by the way, okay
for stupid, aggressive and immature, but CHILD? Can you BELIEVE he actually
sank to that level?
RACH: Joey you potato brain, he didn't mean us!
JOEY: No?
RACH: No, he meant... the... stupid, aggressive, immature children...
JOEY: Poor children.
RACH: You're telling me.
JOEY: Well, at least now we know that he's not at work, we know it for sure.
RACH: Joey... We SAW him through Mon's apartment, of COURSE he's not at
work!
JOEY: [defensive] Hey, how come everyone believes PHOEBE'S got a twin, but
no one thinks ROSS has got one?
RACH: Because we all KNOW he doesn't?
JOEY: [quickly changing subject] So what should we do? We could start
Operation Payback. What do you say?
RACH: I don't really know. I'm not really very good at that kind of thing.
[Joey harks]
RACH: [proud] Okay, so I'm the Useless-Revenge queen. Now this is what we
do. Rats. I know a guy who sells 'em by the SAC. We could leave Ben with
Monica for another fifteen minutes and go get some.
JOEY: Great, but that would be a punishment for the SUPER.
RACH: [annoyed] Okay, fine, YOU come up with something!
[All of a sudden Ross's door opens. Phoebe, dressed in Ross's robe, hangs a
"Do Not Disturb" sign on the door, then closes it. Joey and Rachel are
shocked]
JOEY: [at a loss] Well, maybe the rat thing would be a good payback trick
for you on their wedding.

[Cut to: Inside the apartment. Ross is busy with the card house and Phoebe
is walking up to him from the door]
PHOE: There! Now no one will come and disturb us, and we can concentrate on
this stupid house of cards ALONE!
ROSS: Yeah. Oh, and sorry about spilling wine on you.
PHOE: That's okay. Although I hope I find something else to wear unless your
robe. I don't feel like going home wearing this.

[Cut to: C&M's. It is early morning the apartment is empty. It is still dawn
the sun is rising, there is a glow through the window like you get when the
sun is really low in the sky. Monica slowly emerges from her room, she looks
like hell, she obviously hasn't slept and her eyes are red from crying. She
is in a robe. She slowly goes over to the dinner table and sits she lies her
head and arms on the table]
MNCA: [to herself] You area horrible person, he loves you... don't let this
insecurity ruin things.
CHAN: [enters happy] Hey babe, what are you doing up it is really early.
MNCA: [not moving from her position at the table] Hey... I couldn't sleep.
CHAN:  [joking] Missing me were you?
MNCA: [sitting up, looking directly at him] Where were you last night?
CHAN: I told you I had to work.
MNCA: So why are you so happy this morning, did you SLEEP last night?
CHAN: [confused] Maybe a little, why?
MNCA: No reason [sarcastically] Just concerned for your health [through
gritted teeth] dear.
[He smiles at her not getting the aggro in her voice]
MNCA: So, did you get the W.E.N.U.S. working?
CHAN: [raking in a cupboard, looking for food] No, it was hell, but Sabrina
is amazing she stayed with me all night.
MNCA: That's nice to know... So you want something to eat?
CHAN: Not really, Sabrina went out for breakfast this morning, I only came
home for a shower.
MNCA: [defeated, disappointed] Oh
[She gets up and moves back toward the bedroom. Chandler grabs her waist and
pulls her back and he holds her really close to him, like it "TO the Last
Night"]
CHAN: [talking into her hair] And to see you of course.
[She looks really happy]
MNCA: [smiling] Of course.
[He spins her round and kisses her really passionately. She doesn't object
and starts to walk backwards toward the bedroom]
CHAN: [while kissing her, he whispers] I'm sorry.
[He tries to kiss her again but she stops him. They are still really close
ready to kiss]
MNCA: [shocked] WHAT?
CHAN: [A little taken aback] What, what?
MNCA: What did you say?
CHAN: [confused] I'm sorry.
MNCA: [pushing him away and turning away from him, closes her eyes,
whispers] For what? [looks nervous]
CHAN: Working late?
[She exhales as if relieved. He walks over to her and holds her shoulders
from behind]
CHAN: Why, what else should I be sorry for?
MNCA: [turning to him, tears in her eyes] Do you love me?
CHAN: [confused] What kind of question is that?
MNCA: Just answer it.
[He leans in to kiss her, she pushes him back]
MNCA: Please don't tell me you meant that?
CHAN: [really confused] Meant what? You tell me I need to show you I love
you and then I try to and you push me away what is up?
MNCA: Nothing, I just... I'm not in the mood.
CHAN: Since when have we had to be in a mood?
MNCA: [yelling] Since now.
CHAN: Wow, I'm sorry, this isn't the right time of month obviously.
MNCA: [shakes her head, giving up] Just go for your shower and get back to
your W.E.N.U.S.... [to herself] And Sabrina.
CHAN: [mad] Fine!
[She goes into the bedroom and he goes into the bathroom]

[Cut to: A little later, after Chandler's shower. He is dressed, his hair is
damp from the shower. Monica is in the kitchen sitting at the table reading
the paper. He is in the kitchen finishing a glass of juice. Neither of them
have said a thing to each other, yet]
CHAN: [picking up his briefcase] I'll call you later.
MNCA: [from the paper] Whatever, I remember dating language.
[Chandler slams his case down on the counter, she is startled and looks up]
CHAN: What is going on with you?
MNCA: I was about to ask you the same question.
[He looks at her, she gives up]
MNCA: I just... I... [she smiles] I miss you.
CHAN: [smiles] Really?
MNCA: Of course.
[He gores over to her, she looks nervous. He crouches beside her]
CHAN: [softly] When this is all over.
[She looks anxious, then she gets up, ruining the moment]
MNCA: Call me in the afternoon, because I will be busy this morning.
[Chandler stands beside Monica and leans down. She looks really nervous and
uncomfortable. He whispers in her ear]
CHAN: [whispering] I love you.
[She closes here eyes and a single tear runs down her cheek]
MNCA: I don't believe you.
[Chandler looks really shocked. She kisses him really passionately, she then
smiles]
MNCA: Now I do.
[They smile at each other and he goes to the door and opens it. He turns and
looks at her, and smiles]
CHAN: I will call you.
[She smiles, he exits, she falls back against the post (the one she and Rach
hit their heads off to show Ben it was okay). She slides down it and holds
her head in her hands]

[Cut to: Outside Central Perk. Joey and Rachel are walking up to the door]
JOEY: Come on Rachel, Ross and Phoebe are our friends! If they were having a
secret relationship we would know about it, they'd tell us.
RACH: [sarcasm] Yeah, sure, you're right, I mean Monica and Chandler kept
their SECRET relationship a SECRET, but that doesn't have to mean Ross and
Phoebe would!
JOEY: Okay, but what about Elizabeth? Huh? Ross HAS a girlfriend.
RACH: Yeah, well I had lots of money once. Things change, Joey. And besides,
who says it's anything else but sex? [grossed out] Gosh, I am gonna KILL
Phoebe for sleeping with my ex-husband!
JOEY: [stops by the door] Fine, but I still believe that there's a perfectly
natural and un-sexy explanation to all of this.
[He opens the door and they enter. Ross and Phoebe are on the couch,
talking]
ROSS: [in mid conversation] ... we needed a coffee break, we've been at it
all night!
PHOE: I know... [sighs content] Whoever thought something so fun could be so
exhausting?
JOEY: [ushering Rachel out the door] Uh, on second thought maybe we need to
tell Monica she's getting another sister-in-law!

[Closing Credits]

[Scene: Central Perk, the same as before, just seconds later]
PHOE: Well, at least all of our hard work paid off.
[She holds up a Polaroid picture of a house of cards, which is clearly a
picture taken of a picture in a book]
ROSS: That ought to teach us never to give up.
[Joey and Rachel enter, reluctantly, being more or less forced by a
depressed Monica]
JOEY: Monica, what the hell is going on here, why are you forcing us to be
at Central Perk?
MNCA: [depressed] I met you just outside, I'm not forcing you.
RACH: Watch it, you're wrinkling my clothes!
[Monica sits in the armchair and looks really depressed. Everybody notices
that she's got a problem of some kind except for Rachel, who's filing her
nails. Joey snatches the nail file from her]
RACH: What? [sees Monica's expression] Oh, sorry Mon.
JOEY: [noticing the Polaroid] Hey, how come you have a picture of a--
MNCA: [depressed] Anytime you're ready.
ROSS: Sorry Mon.
PHOE: What's wrong, why are you so... black aura-d?
MNCA: You guys wouldn't believe me if I told you.
PHOE: Of course we will.
MNCA: I think Chandler is cheating on me.
[Phoebe, Ross and Rachel grasp. Joey's still looking at the picture]
JOEY: [not having listened] I don't know you guys, this picture looks
un-real to me.

The end of part 1.

Authors' note: Anna is going away in a few weeks, and this means part 2
might take a while (or possibly part 3, if we manage to finish part 2 before
Anna leaves). So have patience. And if you want to send us feedback (please
do, and constructive criticism is always welcome) then you can send it to
Tracey, at tracey@deanmount.sol.co.uk, since Anna won't be able to access
her e-mail while she's gone. We'll be getting a joined e-mail address later
on, but for now, send your feedback to Tracey. Thanks.