Chandler and Monica entered their apartment. For a few seconds they just stood there, looking deep into each otherís eyes. Then they were in each otherís arms, kissing and touching.
"Oh Monica... Oh I love you..." Chandler said and kissed her again. "My Monica, I love you so."
Monica answered by kissing him harder. She felt like she was on cloud nine, and Chandler was there with her.
He slowly moved them towards the bedroom, a room he had not entered for a very long time. Monica kept her arms lingered around his neck, and kept her mouth close to his.
"Such a long time..." he whispered to her once they were inside the bedroom.
"Such a long time" Monica echoed, broke the embrace and closed the door. She then flipped on the stereo and returned to his arms.
"Monica..." Chandler whispered, with the memory of the last time they had been kissing like this clear, "Mon are you sure you want this? We can wait, if thatís what you want."
Monica smiled and kissed him
on the cheek.
"I donít want to wait" she whispered in his ear. "I think weíve both waited too long already."
She reached up behind her head when he kissed her again. Her hair was up for once, sheíd put it up with a buckle before they left. Chandler could hear the small clicking sound when she opened it, and then he felt her long hair fall down over his hands, that were caressing her neck. The sensation turned him on even more.
"I love you Chandler" Monica whispered, broke the embrace and lead him to the bed, where they made love to the tunes of "November Rain".
Chandler rested his chin against the top of her head. They were lying in bed together after sharing one of their best nights, and Monica had snuggled close to him.
"Iíve missed you" Chandler whispered. He was afraid to talk with a louder tone, afraid that it might break the magic between them.
"I missed you too..." Monica whispered. "Deep down inside I did. Even though I wouldnít have said so if anyone asked. I simply didnít know what it was I missed."
"I think there was just too many things that you missed" Chandler suggested.
"I love you, I need you..." she whispered back, and kissed his arm that was lingered around her.
Chandler closed his eyes and savoured the moment. He had dreamed of this moment for so long now, and he didnít want to miss a single second of it.
Monica turned around and laid down on her stomach instead of her back, lingering her left arm over his shoulder. She felt like she was at home, it wouldnít matter if the rest of her past would forever be a blur. Sheíd remembered Chandler and her feelings for him, and nothing else mattered.
Chandler felt completely relaxed, but for some reason he didnít feel like he was ready to fall asleep. And that was odd, since heíd been tired all the time for so long now. And now his worries were all of a sudden gone, so he shouldnít have anything keeping him awake. But still there was something keeping him from sleeping.
"Love you..." Monica whispered in the night. Chandler didnít answer.
Joey eyed Phoebe and tried to figure out what the change was. Heíd gone downstairs to get something to drink, and when heíd come back she had a big smile on her face. And she didnít say why.
"Come on Phoebs, would you just let me know?" he asked, and threw himself on his bed. "I could use something nice to hear."
Phoebe said nothing, she just smiled. She was almost sure that what sheíd seen was a reconciliation between Monica and Chandler. That their lonely times had ended and now they were back together. But she didnít want to get Joeyís hopes up in case she was wrong.
"Phoebs!" Joey complained.
"Youíll see in good time" Phoebe said with a smile. "If you need to know, that is."
"Who cares, I WANT to know."
Phoebe ignored him and went over to have a sip from his drink.
"Nuh-uh!" Joey said. "Youíre not getting anything until you tell me whatís going on!"
Phoebe shrugged her shoulders and left Joeyís room. She knew that if he pressured her long enough she would tell him, and it felt almost like a secret.
She went downstairs and ran into Rachel.
"Phoebe, whereís Monica? I need to ask her something" Rachel said, with a troubled look on a big stain on her blue t-shirt.
"Monicaís not here" Phoebe answered with a smile.
"So whoís she with this time? Is she still out with Pete? Yikes! Poor Chandler!"
Rachel suddenly forgot about the stain, sensing a much more interesting topic coming up. Even though interesting probably wasnít the right word for her friendsí screwed-up lives.
"Where is he? Out moping somewhere?"
"Chandlerís not here either" Phoebe told her.
Rachel sighed and mumbled something that Phoebe couldnít hear. She decided to change the subject.
"So where have you been tonight?"
"Chandler?" Monica asked. "Is there something wrong?"
He hadnít said anything for over twenty minutes, even though sheíd asked him a question just a few minutes ago.
Chandler said nothing. He started at the ceiling and appeared to be miles away.
Monica was getting slightly freaked out. She didnít know what to make of this new silence. It was uncomfortable and slightly scary. She slowly moved away from him so that she lay next to him instead of in his arms.
"Chandler, say something!"
Chandler turned and looked at her.
"I just canít believe you could do that" he finally said.
"Do what?" Monica asked. "Chandler I donít know what youíre talking about!"
She felt slightly struck by panic. She had a feeling something unpleasant was on his mind, and she started to have doubts. She wondered if the forgiveness sheíd taken for granted when he kissed her was for real. If it really was that simple.
"Would you just let me know whatís on your mind?" she asked.
"You were pregnant with my child and you let me find out by hearing that youíd lost it by a doctor in a hospital!" Chandler said, his words thick with accusation.
"THATíS what this is about?" Monica asked, not really getting it.
"Yes, THATíS what this is about!" Chandler replied, moving away from her in anger.
"Let me get this straight..." Monica said. "You can forgive me one year of insults, heartbreaks, back-stabs and pain, just in a second. But you canít forgive me for loosing a child in an accident over one year ago!"
"Itís not about LOOSING the child!" Chandler bawled.
"Itís about you not TELLING me!"
Monica eyed him for a second to try and figure out if he was serious or not. She just couldnít understand why that would upset him. For all he knew she could have just been a week or two pregnant.
"Chandler, what makes you so sure that I--" she began.
"I asked the doctor!" Chandler told her. "I asked him how far along you were. He told me two months. He mentioned it when he told me youíd lost the baby, but I didnít think about how far along he said youíd been, so I asked him about it later. And he said two months."
"Well then heís a liar!" Monica said, then paused. "It was seven weeks."
"Seven weeks, two months, whatís the difference?" Chandler asked, angry.
"The point is that you KNEW, and you didnít tell me."
"So?" Monica said. "You know, two months is plenty of time for you to figure it out on your own." She was getting defensive now.
"ĎFigure it out on my owní?" Chandler echoed. "So whatís the deal, if I donít notice it on you physically until you canít get into your jeans anymore then I donít deserve to be told?"
"Thatís not what Iím saying." Monica said, crossing her arms. "But you canít give me all the blame if you didnít notice anything."
Chandler glared at her. She looked so stubborn again. Heíd made the mistake of believing that she was completely back to her old self again, but apparently it was just the memory of him that had return, not her old attitude. Not completely.
"But it IS your blame!" he said. "How the hell could you let me find out like that?"
"I hadnít exactly planned on being in that accident!" Monica said, starting to cry.
"What, you think tears will help you out of this?" Chandler hissed.
"What is the MATTER with you?" Monica asked. "How come youíre so cold all of a sudden? Excuse me, but I HAD planned on telling you!"
"When?" Chandler asked, still very mad. "After you sent the kid off to college?"
"Oh shut up!" Monica yelled.
"YOU shut up!" Chandler replied, knowing it was a childish thing to say.
"... So then I realised that the bimbo sitting next to him wasnít just his sister or whatever. She was his girlfriend."
Phoebe sighed and shook her head. Rachel had by the sound of it had a pretty lousy night. Now she yawned.
"What do you say, Phoebs? Should we call it a night? I can get a hold of Monica tomorrow, itís past midnight and Iím beat!"
Phoebe nodded and agreed that going to sleep sounded pretty good. She rose along with Rachel, and went into the kitchen for a snack before she went to bed.
"I just canít believe though that sheíd spend an entire NIGHT with Pete Becker after what happened!" Rachel said, talking about Monica, as she followed Phoebe into the kitchen.
"Maybe she doesnít remember him" Phoebe suggested. "After all, what he did to her is what caused the amnesia." She took out some bread from a cabinet.
"And besides, did Monica ever find out who hit her? I mean, no oneís told her who it was after the accident and I doubt she got a very good look on the day it all happened."
Rachel shrugged her shoulders. The topic didnít really interest her. She felt almost numb these days, there were few things that caught her interest. She opened the lid of a jar filled with Rieces Pieces and started to eat from it while listening to a monologue from Phoebe about how much Monica didnít remember. Then Phoebe finally said something that interested her. Sheasked if Rachel though Monica could find her way back to Chandler.
"Who knows?" Rachel said, and closed the lid to the jar. "I mean, I guess that if they are meant to be then they will be together in the end. And if theyíre not then both could happen."
"What do you mean Ďbothí?" Phoebe asked, buttering her bread.
"Well, letís say theyíre not meant to be. Then the odds are Chandler will never be her boyfriend again. But thereís also a chance theyíll get together again, but it wonít work out."
Phoebe frowned. She would like to believe that Chandler and Monica getting back together would last forever. It was best that way.
"Donít give me that look" Rachel said with a slight giggle. "You look like you want to kill me for saying that."
"I just donít see how you can think they might get back together but it wonít work out."
"Hey, youíre talking to the expert here!" Rachel reminded her. "Ross and I have plenty of experience with relationships not working out. And Iíve come to the conclusion that if you try repeatedly and it doesnít work out, then you canít be meant to be. And in that case the best thing would be to just forget about it and move on. Am I right?"
"So youíre saying that Chandler and Monica will get back together and then break up?" Phoebe asked.
"No, Iím saying Chandler and Monica MIGHT get back together and then break up."
"And how would that happen?"
"The getting back together or the breaking up?" Rachel asked.
"Seems to me like thatís the obvious one" Rachel said. "Itís how on earth theyíd even get back together thatís beyond me."
"Rachel, come on, just answer the question!" Phoebe urged.
"Well for one thing they might not get along anymore. They might argue about allot of stuff. Or they might have one major argument and thatís the end of that."
"Well, letís see... Monicaís all changed now, right? Say she remembers Chandler and their relationship, and they get back together. Naturally Chandler will assume sheís just like she used to be. But then gradually heíll discover that just because her memory of him is back sheís not automatically the Monica she was before she ran out on that road. Even if she remembers everything I donít think sheíll be the same. This year has had major affect on her, she couldnít possibly be the same."
Phoebe made a face. What Rachel said made sense, but it wasnít a truth Phoebe was hoping for. She wanted everything back to normal, and that sure didnít include Monica and Chandler broken up again.
"Hey Rach, do you think that maybe... maybe they CAN work things out even if the situation is like you just described it?"
"Thatís what being meant to be is all about, isnít it?" Rachel answered, rising from her chair. "If Chandler and Monica are meant to be theyíll make it through no matter what."
Phoebe looked after her as she left.
ĎSo which is it?í she asked her friends in her thoughts. ĎAre you meant to be or not?í
"I just donít understand, could I please find out what it is youíre mad about EXACTLY?" Monica asked, defensive and no longer crying.
"Itís that you didnít TELL me!" Chandler yelled.
"Then why the hell do you keep bringing up the accident? If thatís what youíre angry about then what does the miscarriage have to do with anything?"
"Because thatís how I found out I was going to be a father!" Chandler bawled. "I didnít know I was having a child until I lost it! And I had to find out from a STRANGER!"
"A stranger who saved my life" Monica pointed out.
"Doesnít matter" Chandler said. "What matters is that you left it up to him to tell me."
"Hey, excuse me, itís not like I planned all of it!" Monica cried. "Itís not like I sent him an SMS message from wherever I was and told him to go tell you!"
"Well you might as well have done just that, because it was YOUR responsibility to tell me the minute you knew for sure!"
Chandler was furious with her.
But he had to admit that it wasnít just about the baby. He had to, but
he didnít want to. It wasnít easy for Chandler to forgive her for everything
she had done to him. But he had done it anyway. But he had never been able
to forget about
how she hadnít told him he was going to be a father. Some times he had even wondered if he WAS the father, since she never said a word about it. And now that he finally snapped and started to argue over it he mentally got even with her for every single moment of pain sheíd caused him. He could yell at her all he wanted over this subject, so he took it all out now.
"Why are you yelling at me over this now?" Monica asked, sitting up in bed.
"Because you werenít exactly available for a discussion when I found out" Chandler replied.
Monica watched him as he got out of bed and went over to the stereo, turning it off.
"So what is it that you want me to do, huh?" Monica asked. "I canít turn back the hands of time and I canít tell you anything about why I didnít say anything because I donít remember."
"Sure, you hide behind that..." Chandler mumbled and got back into bed.
"Excuse me?" Monica asked.
"I donít believe you when you say that you canít remember" he told her, looking straight into her eyes. "For crying out loud, you can remember everything else! But that little detail sort of just got excluded when all of your other memories came back, is that what Iím supposed to believe?"
"I do NOT remember everything else!" Monica said, offended. "How can you even say that, you KNOW that I donít!"
"Well you seem to remember everything about you and me! Back when I suggested a pact when Ben was being born, what was my marriage cut-off age?"
"Forty" Monica replied, automatically. "Yeah, so?" she asked off his look.
"So I remember that, big deal, it doesnít mean I remember all of the rest!" She angrily turned her head away from him and stared on the wall instead. ĎWhat is the matter with him?í she thought. ĎHow dare he throw in my face that I need to remember that one detail or else he wonít like me anymore?í
"Wow, I must say you are so mature for staring on the wall" Chandler sarcastically said.
"Go to hell!" Monica snapped, turning back to him.
"Looks like our old friend has resurfaced." Chandler said. "Your new personality. The one you got yourself after the coma"
"What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?" Monica yelled.
"It means that last year you would never have said something like that to me during a fight, but after the accident occurred youíve had no problems whatsoever."
"So what, you think Iíve gone schizophrenic?" Monica asked, more angry.
"You might as well have, because I donít know who you are anymore" Chandler replied, venting all of the anger and hurt inside of him.
"Then fine!" Monica cried. "Get the hell out of here then and spend your life with all the people whoíve stayed the same since the stone age!" Her voice broke when she started to cry, giving up on keeping the tears back.
"Itís not my FAULT that Iím not the same anymore, I canít be blamed for whatís happened to me, and if you donít get that then leave me alone! If you canít handle the fact that I am NOT the Monica I once was, that Iíve been through a trauma thatís changed me, if you canít love me during those circumstances then get out of my life!"
"Donít you play little Miss. Innocent with me!" Chandler bawled. "I waited for you for over a year. I put up with your insults, your humiliations, your accusations. I put up with taking all the crap for what you did, not only to me but to everyone. And I did that because I loved you even though you were so different."
"Love" Chandler corrected himself.
"So then what is the problem now?" Monica asked, calming down a bit. "How come now all of a sudden you canít stand my new self?"
"Because youíre not who you used to be!" Chandler hissed. "Donít play any games with me here, I know that you remember more than you let on, and I also know that for some reason youíre determined to stick to some of the new sides of yourself that youíve developed this past year."
"Fuck you!" Monica said, upset. Chandler recoiled, heíd never expected tohear her say that, especially not to him. "If you donít have any patience with me and this situation then you can piss off!" she continued.
"Listen to yourself!" Chandler cried, and made a gesture with his arms.
"This is not you, you would never say these kind of things. Since when do you tell people to piss off?"
"What would you know about it?" Monica replied, drying her tears.
"I think I know plenty" Chandler said.
"Well think again, Sherlock" Monica said. "You donít know squad about me, you think you do, but you obviously do not. I am NOT who I once was, and thatís not just because of the amnesia. What do you want me to do, get down on my knees and beg you for forgiveness for everything that Iíve done to you this year?"
"If I would want that..." Chandler asked carefully. "Would you?"
"Thatís beside the point" Monica said. "The point is that you canít just go about starting fights with me over things that happened such a long time ago, and then start fighting about how Iíve acted this past year. Do you have any IDEA how lost Iíve been ever since the accident?"
"Why do you keep hiding behind that?" Chandler asked, getting angry again. "Stop being a coward Monica and take the blame for what you did."
"A YEAR ago!" Monica cried. "Something I did a YEAR ago! You should gave come to me then!"
"But I COULDNíT! You were in a coma, for crying out loud! I didnít even know if you were ever gonna wake up again!"
"NOW whoís hiding behind the accident?" Monica asked, knowing it sounded childish.
"Oh give it up!" Chandler moaned. "Act your age, for ONCE!"
"Oh, you think Iím a big baby, is that it?" Monica asked.
"No, but a person whoís 30 years old does not avoid confrontation by pretending she doesnít REMEMBER."
"Yeah. That sure did avoid
confrontation" Monica said with thick sarcasm. She reached down beside
the bed and pulled up her underwear that had been thrown there earlier
that night. She put them back on under the covers as she continued to talk.
"Chandler you are not fair, asking me to give you answers I canít remember."
"Stop hiding from it!" Chandler yelled, returning to the original subject."This has NOTHING to DO with the goddamned accident, this has to do with you being pregnant and not letting me know about it!"
"What difference does it make?" Monica yelled back. "The babyís DEAD, I lost it in the accident, thereís no changing that! Why I did not tell you is irrelevant."
"Was it even MINE?" Chandler asked.
Monica stared at him for a few seconds, not believing what she was hearing. "Get out of here!" she yelled once she got around to saying anything. "This must have all been a mistake, you and me getting together again! You can go to hell and stay there for eternity for EVER thinking things like that about me!"
Chandler looked at her, and realised she was seriously hurt because heíd thought sheíd cheated, not because heíd confronted her about cheating. The baby had been his, Monica hadnít slept around. At least not back then.
"Take it easy" he said, calming down himself. "You havenít exactly been Monica Monogamous lately, so can you blame me for being unsure?"
"YES!" Monica screamed. "Yes, because me cheating on you while we were going out is one thing, me sleeping with other men after weíd broken up is another."
"Who said we EVER broke up?" Chandler replied.
"Oh please, didnít you know that I wanted nothing to do with you?" Monica said. "I am sorry, but thatís the way it was. Up until tonight I had not a single memory of you and me, of our history together, you were just the guy who gave me loving looks, wanted me to remember and to act like someone I didnít even know that I once was, and who demanded things from me all the time. And Iíll be completely honest with you, part of me kept a distance to you because everyone wanted me to love you, and I didnít want to do as everyone expected. I wanted to do as I felt I should."
"So you felt you should try your best to push me away?" Chandler asked, crossing his arms.
"I never said that." Monica replied. "And still this has nothing to do with the baby. Iím sorry but I canít give you any answers because I simply donít have them."
"Yeah youíve said that, but I donít believe you one bit" Chandler replied.
"Then you can take a hike" Monica replied and stared on the wall again.
"I know you, you WILL tell me" Chandler said firmly. "Because thatís just who you are. Eventually you will get a grip and stop hiding behind the accident and face what you did to me like a grown up person. I can see right through you, you know."
"Well then I guess you knew
that I wonít be letting you touch me anymore!" Monica replied, angry and
offended. "I donít want to feel you touching me anymore tonight. Either
get your ass over to the guest room or stay far over on your side. GOODNIGHT!"
With that Monica laid back down and turned her back on Chandler. She couldnít
believe how he was acting, she hated him for it. ĎI just donít get ití
she thought. ĎOne minute weíre in each otherís arm, happy, overjoyed. And
the next weíre fighting like bitter enemies, accusing
each other of things and ending up sleeping with out backs against each other. And who does he think he is, does he really think he can read me like an open book? If he could than my pregnancy would have been obvious to him right away.í
Monica got a familiar tune in her head. There was a song that sheíd heard once right after they left for Montauk, and that sheíd been drawn too like a bee to a flower. She couldnít get it out of her system, and now it came back to her, Chandlerís conviction that he knew her so well made her think of itís first lines.
Look at me.
You may think you see who I really am.
But youíll never know me.
Itís as if I play a part.
Now I see.
If I wear a mask I can fool the world.
But I cannot fool my heart.
She resisted the temptation to turn around and look at him. She knew she would only see his back anyway. She kept her tears back, and tried not to wonder why it had ended up this way, why she couldnít have fallen asleep in Chandlerís arms feeling peaceful and happy. Despite all of the thoughts in her head, she fell asleep quite quickly. And her last thought before she went to sleep was that she was thankful that Chandler had stayed and not left to sleep in the guest room.
Chandler, on the other hand,
could not sleep. He hadnít slept well one night since Monicaís accident,
and now that he was laying next to her again he still had trouble going
to sleep. ĎIt shouldnít be like thisí he thought. ĎThis is Monica and me,
we should be standing above fights like this. Did I have to bring up this
whole pregnancy thing?í But in the next second he knew that heíd needed
to do it. The thought of it had struck him all of a sudden while they were
resting together, and he just couldnít let it go. For the first time in
a while heíd been completely relaxed, and that had allowed him to really
think about the past time. And heíd realised that there had been one thing
that heíd never been able to forgive Monica of. ĎBut was it worth it?í
he asked himself, laying with his back against the woman he loved.
ĎWeíve never slept with our backs against each other like this before.
All the problems weíve had weíve always solved before going to sleep. Itís
been a rule between us.í Chandler decided that this wasnít a good time
to change that rule. He rolled over and rested his cheek against his left
hand. He looked down at Monica and came close to touching her to get her
attention, when he noticed she was
sleeping. He sighed.
ĎJust as well, I guess...í
he thought, rolling back to where heíd been. ĎIím not sure this Monica
will be as eager to solve all of our fights as soon as possible as the
old Monica was. Gosh, what am I thinking, there is now old or new Monica.
And sheís right about that. She can never be more than who she is, and
deep down inside she will always be the same woman, no accident or amnesia
in the world can change that.í But as he recalled what had been said between
them during their fight earlier in the night, he started to doubt.