MNCA: Chandler, how do you think you'll react when I go into labour?

CHAN: Well, probably like this. [drops onto floor and closes his eyes. Monica kicks him in the ribs. He sits up.] What was that for?

MNCA: That's what I'm gonna do to you if you do that when its for real.

CHAN: How bout if I do this? [runs around screaming and flapping his arms.]

MNCA: Who the hell are you?

OPENING CREDITS

[SCENE: C&M's apartment. Later. Everyone is there.]

JOEY: So I have a date tomorrow night.

PHOE: Oh yeah, is she pregnant already?

JOEY: I hope not, why?

PHOE: I dunno.

JOEY: Anyway, her names Michelle, she's really pretty. I can't wait for you guys to meet her.

ROSS: But she's not a serial killer? Have you asked her that specific question? Have you killed anyone? You have to ask, its for your own peace of mind.

JOEY: No, I haven't asked. But hey, what's the probability of dating two murderers?

CHAN: Don't you watch horror films?

JOEY: Well, sometimes, but I usually have a girl using me to comfort her during the scary parts.

MNCA: Can I ask you guys something?

ROSS: Sure, what?

MNCA: When I'm in labour, will someone tie Chandler to a chair are splash cold water on him every ten seconds?

PHOE: Ooh! Me! Me!

JOEY: Aww, I wanna!

CHAN: Thanks.

RACH: [joking] Why, are you worried, he's gonna faint or something?

MNCA: [serious] Yes.

[SCENE: C&M's apartment. Later. Their bedroom. They are there.]

CHAN: Hey, Mon, did you mean what you said before?

MNCA: About how people should clear up after themselves when they come over? Of course I meant it! Did you just meet me for the first time yesterday or something?

CHAN: No, not that. I know you meant that. No, about how you were afraid I'm gonna faint or something when you go into labour.

MNCA: Well, isn't that what you said you'd do?

CHAN: Mon, I was joking. I hope I'll be fully conscious throughout it all. I wanna see little Ashleigh getting born. I wanna cut her unbiblical cord. And I wanna be with you when you hold her for the first time. And I wanna be awake for all of that.

MNCA: That’s so sweet Chandler.

CHAN: Look, I've never been a father before, and my Dad never talked to me about this stuff. Never talked to me about anything really. But to me, this is right, this is how every father should feel when his baby's about to be born. And I can't imagine feeling any different.

MNCA: You’re so sweet.

CHAN: Yeah, I know, we already did this part.

MNCA: I know, but its true.

CHAN: I know that!

MNCA: If Ashleigh is half as cute as you, she'll be the most adorable thing in the world.

CHAN: Not at three o'clock in the morning when she's hungry and needs her diaper changing.

MNCA: Maybe not.

CHAN: But you know what?

MNCA: What?

CHAN: I don't care. Because she'll be part of us. And that makes me happy just thinking about it.

MNCA: So every time she cries, you'll get up to see what she wants.

CHAN: Sure, as soon as she's twenty years old.

MNCA: Chandler!

CHAN: I'm sorry, of course I'll get up for her, just not all of the time.

MNCA: I wouldn't really expect you to do that all the time.

CHAN: Good, because some of the time, I wanna do this. [kisses her.]

MNCA: I like that idea.

CHAN: good, coz I do too.

[SCENE: the next morning. C&M's apartment. They are there. Joey comes in and rushes into the bathroom. A few seconds later he comes out.]

JOEY: God, that’s a bad hangover.

[Monica rushes into the bathroom.]

JOEY: What's up with her? Morning sickness again?

CHAN: Nah, just cleaning freakishness.

JOEY: Oh, okay.

[Ross and Rachel come in.]

ROSS: Hey, what's for breakfast?

CHAN: Do you not have food at your apartment or something?

RACH: Of course we have food. What's your point?

[Monica comes out of the bathroom, holding her (huge) stomach.]

MNCA: Chandler, I think…wait, where did all these people come from?

[Phoebe comes in]

PHOE: Food! Yummy!

MNCA: Chandler, honey, I think its time.

CHAN: I know! Time to get all of them outta here!

MNCA: No, time for Ashleigh to be born.

CHAN: Wha…Wha…What?! You…You're in l…l…labour?

ROSS: Chandler, did you skip speech therapy in first grade or something?

MNCA: Yeah, I'm in labour. Can we go to the hospital now?

RACH: Oh my God! In four months, that’s gonna be me!

PHOE: I still wanna baby.

ROSS: I'm gonna be an uncle!

CHAN: Oh my God!

JOEY: Nice toast Mon. [everyone looks at him] What's going on?

CHAN: Monica's in labour! Oh my God! You're only eight months pregnant! What if something goes wrong? Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

JOEY: Okay, Janice flashback.

MNCA: Can someone please call a cab, like right now?

RACH: Sure. [goes off to one side with the phone.]

MNCA: Ross, will you take Chandler out onto the balcony and throw some cold water over him please?

ROSS: Pleasure.

JOEY: Me too!

[Ross and Joey pull Chandler out onto the balcony.]

PHOE: What can I do? What can I do?

MNCA: Clear up the breakfast stuff.

[Phoebe does so. Rachel comes back.]

RACH: A cabs on its way sweetie. Woah! You’re leaking! You're waters broke!

PHOE: Do I have to clean up that too?

MNCA: Oh my God! Rach, I'm having a contraction!

RACH: Agh!

PHOE: Don't tell me you’re in labour too!

RACH: no, its just, in a few short months, I'll be the one in all the pain and screaming and stuff.

MNCA: Okay, not helping a whole lot.

[The guys come back. Chandler is dripping wet. (don't ask me where they got the water from. Use your imagination, okay?)]

CHAN: Mon, are you okay?

MNCA: Uh huh. [grimaces] No!

CHAN: What's the matter?

MNCA: There's a person trying to get out of me!

JOEY: Cool! How'd it get in there? Were you abducted by aliens?

ROSS: What's the matter with you?

JOEY: I dunno.

[moncia screams. Chandler looks around in desperation.]

CHAN: At least Ashleigh will be born when the kitchen's clean.

MNCA: With Phoebe cleaning it? That’s pretty unlikely!

CHAN: Hey, I was just trying to help.

PHOE: Me too!

MNCA: Owwwwwww!!!!

RACH: No! Not oww! You seem to be forgeting that I have to do this really soon, so you're not to scare me.

ROSS: Yeah, Mon, don't scream.

[Monica glares at them both. Ross and Rachel retreat, scared.]

PHOE: I feel sorry for the midwife.

JOEY: Me too. I mean, you spend all day with screaming women, and screaming babies. What a crap job.

MNCA: Owwwww!

RACH: Okay, I'm going onto the balcony. Ross, you coming?

ROSS: Uh huh. [to Monica] Don't scream. [Monica glares at him, again, he looks scared.]

[Ross and Rachel go out onto the balcony.]

JOEY: You know what, I think I do not need to see this. See ya! Hey guys! Wait for me! [Joey follows R&R out.]

MNCA: Chandler! I don't think I can do this!

PHOE: You can! Chandler couldn’t, but I bet you can! I bet you twenty dollars!

CHAN: Phoebs, why don't you go join the others on the balcony?

PHOE: Yeah, okay. [does so.]

CHAN: Okay Mon, listen to me. You can do this. You know that, I know that, even little Ashleigh knows that. But if you think you can't do it, you won't be able to, so you have to be positive. Think about how much better out lives will be after she's born. We'll have a baby girl Monica, think how great that is! We'll be a proper little family. And who knows, we might even have more kids after this, so you'll have to do this again. But I know you will. Because this is your dream.

MNCA: My dream is to find a situation where you can't make a speech that makes me feel silly for [laughing slightly] being silly.

CHAN: Impossible.

MNCA: That’s probably a good thing. Otherwise I could get really depressed, and you wouldn't be there to cheer me up.

CHAN: Which would make me depressed.

MNCA: Exactly!

CHAN: Okay, honey, breath, breath, breath.

MNCA: You should teach lamaze (is that how you spell it? You know what I mean, that breathing thing that all pregnant women do).

CHAN: Nah, there's only one pregnant woman who I wanna spend my time with.

MNCA: What about Rachel?

CHAN: Okay, one pregnant woman who's my friend, and another, who I love more than anything in the world, and who in a few hours, is gonna give me the best gift ever, our daughter.

MNCA: Forget about lamaze, you could write romance novels like your Mom!

CHAN: A very scary thought! But I suppose its either that or be a gay dancer in Vegas.

MNCA: I think I like you best as you are.

CHAN: Me too. Even though I still have a 'quality'.

MNCA: Honey, I don't think you have a 'quality', unless being kind and loving and caring counts.

CHAN: It doesn’t count.

MNCA: I thought it might not. Owwwwwww!!!!!

CHAN: Its okay honey, squeeze my hand, you're okay, its okay, its okay. [while he's talking, Chandler strokes her hair and holds her hand. Monica stops screaming. Chandler kisses the top of her head.] Better?

MNCA: Yes, but I can't believe I still have hours and hours left of THAT! Why on earth did I ever want kids? Especially since I'm with you! I mean, you're Chandler! You're not supposed to want kids!

CHAN: Well, if it was any other woman but you, I think that theory might work. But with you, I guess I love you too much.

MNCA: You love me too much?

CHAN: Yeah, if it wasn't for you, I would still be the stupid guy with a 'quality' who makes jokes when he's afraid to show his emotions, and who never wants to be in a serious realtionship coz he's scared it won't work out.

MNCA: Wow.

CHAN: Sorry, am I stealing your limelight?

MNCA: No! It's just that I never knew you felt like that.

CHAN: To tell the truth, neither did I until I fell in love with you.

MNCA: Aww, that's so cute.

[Monica screams. The doorbell rings. The people from the balcony come back in. Ross answers the door.]

CAB DRIVER (CABD): You call a cab?

ROSS: Yeah, my sister's in labour.

CABD: [pointing at Rachel.] She's not in labour mate.

ROSS: No, that’s my girlfriend. That’s my sister, you know, the one on the floor screaming?

CHAN: Rach, couldn't you have called an ambulance instead?

RACH: She told me to call a cab!

PHOE: Do you always have to do exactly what Monica says? [thinks about this for a second.] Yeah, okay.

MNCA: How about you all shut up and get me to the hospital now?!

CHAN: Breath honey, don't forget to breath!

MNCA: Oh, you shut up! This is all your fault anyway!

ROSS: The cab! Lets just all go down and get in the cab.

JOEY: How are we all gonna fit?

CHAN: Okay, me and Mon will go in this cab. You guys find another and you go in that, okay?

[Chandler helps Monica to her feet. They leave the apartment. The rest of the gang follow.]

[SCENE: Taxi cab. The Cab driver from before and Chandler and Monica are there.]

MNCA: Owwww! Chaaaaaaaaandlerrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

CABD: Will you shut up? I can’t concentrate on the road with you screaming like that.

CHAN: Shut up yourself!

CABD: Fine, I’ll just crash the cab then.

MNCA: Okay, just do it after you get us to the hospital.

[SCENE: The hospital waiting room. Chandler and Monica rush in.]

RECPTIONIST (RCPT): Hello, how may I help you?

CHAN: You could come up with something more original to say.

RCPT: That’s funny. What’s the problem?

CHAN: My parents got divorced when I was nine because my Dad was sleeping with the house boy.

RCPT: That’s nice. Why are you here?

CHAN: Because my parents had sex and forgot to use a condom.

MNCA: Chandler! Shut up! Just quit with the jokes and shut up! I’m in labour here!

CHAN: Yes ma’am.

RCPT: You’re in labour?

MNCA: Yes.

RCPT: When did the contractions start?

MNCA: About forty minutes ago.

RCPT: Waters broke?

MNCA: Uh huh.

RCPT: Okay, who’s your doctor?

MNCA: Doctor Fallon.

RCPT: Okay, I think she’s seeing to another patient, but I’ll get a nurse to show you to a room and get you a gown. Dr Fallon will be along to see you as soon as possible.

MNCA: Thanks. [to Chandler.] Are you okay?

CHAN: Yeah, why?

MNCA: You haven’t made a joke for about a minute, I was worried.

CHAN: I’m tired, I’m scared for you, I’m scared of you, and I think my powers are fading.

MNCA: That’s okay then.

[SCENE: A hospital room. Monica is in the bed wearing a hospital gown. She is screaming. Chandler is next to her, holding her hand and trying to comfort her. The rest of the gang rush in.]

RACH: Oh my God!

ROSS: Don’t scream, don’t scream!

MNCA: I’ll scream if I want to! Owwwwwww!!!

CHAN: You guys better get out of here! Theres only supposed to be two visitors in here at once.

ROSS: She’s my sister.

JOEY: Thank God! I thought Chandler might try and make me stay.

RACH: Hey, in a few months, I’m gonna be doing this, I don’t wanna watch!

PHOE: Me neither! I’m scared of blood.

JOEY: I didn’t know that! I didn’t think you were scared of anything Phoebs. I thought you were big strong Phoebe who, uh, isn’t scared of anything.

PHOE: Aww, but of course I’m, scared of stuff!

RACH: Like spiders and the dark and stuff?

PHOE: Nah, more like Moncia when she’s mad, the devil, scientists, the colour red.

CHAN: Okay, enough of Phoebe’s irrational fears, although I kinda understand the first one, you guys get outta here.

[A nurse is seen in the corridor.]

ROSS: No they can’t, a nurse is coming.

JOEY: Ooh! We have to play hide and seek!

PHOE: I bags the flower pot!

CHAN: Phoebs the flower pot is six inches high, and the flower in it is kinda dead.

RACH: You know I don’t think having dead things in a hospital room is very encouraging.

MNCA: Shut up!

CHAN: Under the bed! Quickly!

[Phoebe and Joey dive under the bed.]

RACH: I can’t fit under there, I’m five months pregnant.

ROSS: Uh, I’ll hide under the bed, you be the second visitor.

[Ross dives under the bed, just as the nurse comes in.

NRSE: Hello, are you in labour too?

RACH: No, I’m just her friend.

NRSE: When are you due?

RACH: Not for another four months

MNCA: Excuse me! But I’m due in a months time, but Ashleigh seems to have different plans! Can we talk about those please?

NRSE: Uh, sure, but who’s Ashleigh? [to Rachel] Are you Ashleigh?

RACH: No, I’m Rachel!

MNCA: Chanlder! Do something!

CHAN: Uh, where’s Dr Fallon?

NRSE: On her way.

MNCA: Well does her way come past here at all today?

NRSE: How am I supposed to know?

MNCA: Chandler! Go find the doctor! [Chandler starts to run out. Monica screms] No! Stay here! [Chandler goes back to her] No, go get the doctor! [Chandler goes again. Monica screams again] No! Stay with me! [Chandler goes back.]

CHAN: Rach, why don’t you go find the doctor before I start spinning?

RACH: Fine. Bye guys! [Rachel leaves.]

NRSE: I better go too.

MNCA: You’re leaving us?

CHAN: Are you sure you should be doing that? Coz the baby’s not due for another month yet.

NRSE: Do you want me to find the doctor, or do you want your friend to go searching for cute doctors to flirt with?

[There is a spluttering (presumably Ross) from under the bed. Chandler covers it with a fake cough. The nurse looks suspicious, but doesn’t say anything and leaves the room. Ross comes out from under the bed.]

ROSS: Rachel’s gonna find cute doctors?! Sorry Mon, but I gotta go find Rach! Good luck!

[Ross rushes out.]

PHOE: [from under bed] Joey, get your elbow out of my face and your hand off my chest!

JOEY: [also from under the bed] Yeah, alright. Hey, Chandler, can we come out now?

CHAN: Yeah. But the nurse’ll be back soon, so one of you has to leave.

PHOE: I really don’t want to watch this. See, Rachel’s already pregnant, so she hasn’t got a choice, but if I see Monica give birth, and it hurts, that might put me off having babies for life, so sorry Mon, but I gott get outta here!

MNCA: You’re leaving me with Chanlder and Joey!? Phoebe! Come back!

[Phoebe makes an apologetiv face but leaves anyway.]

MNCA: Great.

JOEY: Hey, I’m not as bad at this as you might think. I have seven catholic sisters remember?

CHAN: And, I’m the father, so I get to be here, no matter how bad at this I am.

MNCA: Making me feel a whole lot better about this you guys. Owwwwwww!!!!!! [grabs Chandler’s hand]

CHAN: Dude, you wanna share the pain? [Monica grabs Joey’s hand too.]

JOEY: I didn’t say yes! Jeez Mon, you’re strong! My sisters have had a hell of a lot of kids between them, but none of them ever hurt me as bad as this! And you’re only having the one! I think I’m gonna go find Phoebe. [pause] Can I have my hand back? Mon? [Monica screams and squeezes Chandler and Joey’s hands even harder.] That’s okay, you can just keep it.

[The contraction eases and Monica releases Joey’s hand. He leaves, rubbing his hand.]

MNCA: You’re not gonna go to are you?

CHAN: Of course not. I don’t care if I have no hands left at the end of this, so long as I have you and Ashleigh.

MNCA: Aww, that’s so sweet.

CHAN: Don’t take it literally though, because you know, I do need my hands.

MNCA: I know.

[SCENE: Hospital waiting room. Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are there.]

ROSS: I can’t wait till Ashleigh’s born! I’m gonna be an uncle in like a few hours!

RACH: I know! I can’t believe Monica’s in labour right now!

PHOE: Did you expect her to stay pregnant forever?

[SCENE: Monica’s room at the hospital. Monica, Chandler, Joey and a doctor are there. Monica is screaming, and so is Chandler.]

DCTR: Okay, breath, breath. [Monica stops screaming.] Okay?

MNCA: Yeah, but can you give him a tranquilizer or something please?

DCTR: Sorry, honey, I can’t.

JOEY: Chandler! Shut up! [He does.] She’s stopped screaming now. [Monica starts screaming again. Chanlder does too.]

DCTR: Okay, I think this is it. She’s dilated ten centimetres and it’s a premature baby, so we better get ready to deliver. Mr Tribianni, would you go and find a nurse and tell her Ms Geller’s in final stage labour and to get her butt here now!

[Joey leaves the room.]

DCTR: Mr Bing, shut up or I’ll have to send you out. Let her do the screaming for both of you, okay?

[Chandler stops screaming.]

CHAN: ‘Kay. Mon, honey, this is it, we’re gonna have Ashleigh with us really soon.

DCTR: Push! [Monica does so. And also screams.]

MNCA: I hate you Chandler!

CHAN: I know, I hate me too. Lets all hate me together!

DCTR: Is he always like this?

CHAN: Pretty much. Come on babe, almost there.

DCTR: I can see the head! Mr Bing, do you want to watch you’re daughter being born?

CHAN: Sure! Mon, just breath, okay? You’re doing great!

[Chan goes to watch. We hear sounds of a baby crying, then we see Ashleigh for the first time. Even covered in the slime that all newborn babies are covered in, she looks really, really cute. Chandler is crying. Joey and two nurses rush in.]

CHAN: I have a daughter! I have a daughter! [hugs Monica] We have a daughter!

MNCA: Can I hold her?

DCTR: Sure, just as soon as your boyfriend cuts the cord.

CHAN: M…m…me?

JOEY: Yeah man, unless Monica’s got some other boyfriend that none of us know about.

MNCA: Shut up Joey, Chandler, get on with it.

[Chandler nervously takes the scissors from the doctor and cuts Ashleigh’s unbilical cord. The nurse takes Ashleigh and wraps her in a blanket, then gives her to Monica. Chandler, Moncia and Ashleigh are all crying. Even Joey has a tear in his eye.]

MNCA: Wow. All I can say is wow.

CHAN: She looks just like you Mon.

MNCA: you think?

CHAN: Yeah, well, you’re not covered with goo, and twenty inches long, but yeah, I think she does.

JOEY: I lvoe you guys!

MNCA: Can the others come in now?

NRSE: Of course, I’ll go get them.

CHAN: Don’t tell them she’s born yet, just say you’re relaxing the rules or something. I wanna see their faces.

NRSE: You got it.

[The nurse leaves the room.]

DCTR: Shes’ a beautiful baby. You guys are so lucky.

CHAN: Thanks. I feel lucky. I feel like I’m the luckiest guy in the world.

MNCA: Aww, me too.

[The nurse and the rest of the gang come in. The gang stop short when they see Monica holding Ashleigh.]

RACH: Oh my God!

ROSS: I;m an uncle!

PHOE: Aww, I don’t feel jealous at all! You guys are gonna lose so much sleep!

CHAN: Uh, thanks Phoebs. [Sees that Monica is hlaf asleep already.] But I don’t think that’ll be a problem for some people.

ROSS: We’d better go.

RACH: We’ll come back later, I promise.

PHOE: We won’t babysit though.

JOEY: Phoebe! I thought you loved babies!

PHOE: [starting to tear up.] I know! That’s why I acted so mean all the time! I want a baby! And its so unfair that you guys [points to Chandler and Monica] and you guys [points to Ross and Rachel] are havibng babies, and you [Joey] don’t want one. And I’m not!

CHAN: aww, Phoebe, you wanna hold her?

PHOE: Can I?

CHAN: Sure! She’s half asleep like her Mom, so be gentle though.

[Chandler takes Ashleigh out of Moncia’s arms and hands her to Phoebe.]

PHOE: She’s so little.

JOEY: I know! She’s even littler than all my sisters babies were.

ROSS: I thought Ben was little, but Ashleigh’s tiny.

DCTR: Its because she was a month premature. We’re gonna do some tests on her, just to make sure she’s 100% okay, but I don’t think there’ll be a problem. You should be able to take both of them home in a few days. Now, I want everyone excpet the father outta here now, so they can both get some rest. Its been along day for them both.

[Phoebe gives Ashleigh to Chandler. Ross, Rachel, Joey and Phoebe start to leave.]

ROSS/RACH/JOEY/PHOE: Bye Ashleigh!/Bye bye!/ Bye bye honey!/(other baby talk phrases)

[They leave.]

NRSE: I’ll check on you all later Mr Bing. [leaves]

[The doctors beeper goes off.]

DCTR: Sorry, I have to go. Congratulations Mr Bing, you have a beautiful daughter. Monica will be tired for a while, but she’ll soon be back to normal.

CHAN: Ordering us all around.

[The doctor chuckles and leaves. Chandler checks on Monica, who is fast asleep. Ashleigh wakes up and coos.]

CHAN: Shh, there there honey, be quiet now, your Mommy’s trying to sleep. [Ashleigh is quiet.] Whaddya think honey? Its been I big day hasn’t it? Well, it has for Mommy too, so I think we should let her get some rest, huh? I know the doctors said they have to do tests on you and stuff, but we know you’re fine, don’t we? We know you’re perfect. Both of you are perfect, you and your Mommy. I hope you think so too. [Ashleigh yawns] You must be tired. How 'bout I put you down here, next to Mommy, and you can both sleep there together [puts her down and kisses her cheek] I love you honey. [kisses Monica's cheek.] I love you too.

[Chandler goes to the door, waves bye bye, then leaves.]

CLOSING CREDITS

[SCENE: The hospital room, later. Monica and Ashleigh are now both awake. Everyone is there. Chandler is perched on the bed next to Monica, holding Ashleigh. Ross and Rachel are standing next to him, doing the baby talk thing to Ashleigh. Phoebe and Joey are on the other side of the bed talking to Monica.]

JOEY: I can't believe you guys are parents.

PHOE: I still can't believe you're even going out!

MNCA: You know what, neither can I!

CHAN: [who has been listening in on the converstaion.] Me nither.

ROSS: You guys are so lucky.

RACH: she's so cute. All pink and little and soft.

JOEY: I know, I feel like that every time one of my sisters has a baby.

ROSS: So you pretty much feel like that all the time?

JOEY: Haha.

[A nurse comes in]

NRSE: Sorry guys, visiting hours are over. The father can stay, but I'm I'm afraid the rest of you have to go.

[The gang leave, with long, drawn out goodbyes that I can't be bothered writing.]

CHAN: I love you. I have just realised I haven't told you that since she was born.

MNCA: its okay, I know things have been kinda scary and rushed. But you know I love you too.

CHAN: I know. I love Ashleigh almost as much as I lvoe you. You're both my special girls.

MNCA: Aww. I'd say the same, except you'd get offended.

CHAN: I'm too happy to get offended.

[Ashleigh starts to cry.]

MNCA: Ooh, come to Mommy sweetheart.

[Chandler hands Ashleigh to Monica.]

CHAN: There you go.

MNCA: This is what the rest of our lives are gonna be like Chandler. Looking after her all the time. Are we really ready for that?

CHAN: I think so. [kisses Monica. Hugs both of them. Camera fades out.]

THE END