Monica's Collection of Thoughts

NOTE: This diary begins when TOW the Flashback took place.

September 22 1993

Phoebe moved out. Now I have absolutely no one. I live alone now, and I don’t have a boyfriend, and I’ll never get to have children. It’s not fair. I did get Chandler to comfort me. I’ve always liked him - a lot I think. He’s the mysterious type, and he makes me wonder. I like knowing the facts, though, and now I’m not sure what’s happening. Somehow I know it could never work out between us, though. He’s always been afraid of commitment, and I want a family ASAP. Hey, but it’s a comfort to know he cares about me! Another strange thing happened this morning - Chandler’s new roommate, Joey, made a bit of a pass at me. To put it simply, he thought "lemonade" was morse code for giving away your flower. It was really embarassing because up until that moment I had a crush on him.

September 29 1993

I'm so screwed up.

October 6 1993

I just looked at my last entry and laughed with delight! Today I met the nicest man. His name is John, and he has the nicest eyes. He is the nicest person I've ever met. He's so nice. He wants me to run his restaurant. He's a chef too. I bet he makes the nicest food in the world. I bet his restaurant is so nice. Oh my God. I need to go into vocabulary rehab.

October 13 1993

John may be nice, but Chandler is such a jerk! I'm so mad at him. I've never been so angry in my life. Ever since that incident a few weeks ago where we, um, came close to becoming more than friends, he's been acting really weird. And when he told me today a bunch of junk about John, I flipped. He told me that John is married, that he owns a strip club, not a restaurant. He said that John wants me to strip at this strip club! Oh my God! I'm sooooo mad. I want to kill someone (namely Chandler.)

October 20 1993

I hate it when Chandler's right. I especially hate it this time since I was just downright awful to him when he told me about John. I took a taxi to the address John had given me for the restaurant, and ended up at a strip club. Coincidence? Address mistake? I don't even think I care if it was. I'm actually sort of relieved to be rid of John. Things were tense between us, conversation slow. No passion. I wonder if I'll ever have that.

October 27 1993

Sad how you can have something in your arms and not even realize you want it until you let it go. Since I broke up with John I've felt attracted to Chandler. I've been thinking about him a lot. I thought about my silly crush on him back in high school and college. I thought about how I became a chef because of him. I feel pathetic. He's gone now. He's never said a word about what happened between us. Why? Why? Why???

November 3 1993

I talked to Joey the other day. He's a really funny guy. He told me about how when he first moved in, he thought that Chandler was gay. I laughed so hard, almost forgetting that if he were gay I would be so distraught. Phoebe's been visiting a lot, so it's almost as if she still lives here, except that she's not in the next room at night. In fact, it seems like everyone's over here a lot lately. Whether I'm here or not, Joey, Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe all max out on my couch, eat from my refrigerator, use my bathroom! Strangely enough, I enjoy it. I enjoy being the hostess.

November 10 1993

Today no one came to my apartment! Oh my God! Today I was NOT a hostess! This totally sucks.

November 17 1993

Today was the strangest day I've ever lived. It was almost as if walking through a really weird dream. I saw Phoebe eat a CHEESEBURGER! Oh my God! I wonder what's wrong with her. Maybe it's that guy she's been hanging out with. She told me they're only friends, but I'm not sure. I wonder... Not only that, but Joey missed Baywatch! Now I'm pretty sure I've been sleeping all day! Ouch! Nope, I pinched myself. I'm awake. And Chandler stayed in and COOKED, for goodness sake. He made macaroni and cheese. I tasted it. It wasn't bad. He said I inspired him. Maybe there's still something there...

November 28 1993

What a strange Thanksgiving! Joey stuck his head up my turkey... the one that had to feed my parents friends at their Thanksgiving party. He was trying to scare Chandler. Before I left I made Chandler some macaroni and cheese. He said it was better than the macaroni and cheese he made a week ago. He was really depressed today! And why not? It's the anniversary of his parent's divorce, the day his toe got cut off. I wonder if he remembers the time he called me fat. Before today, that was MY worst Thanksgiving.

December 15 1993

Wow! It seems like I've had no time to write lately. I met a guy named Bobby today. He is difficult to describe...I guess I can only describe him as FUN! I have never had so much fun in my life. Well, not since that time when...I won't get into that. I don't have much time. Bobby asked me out for drinks at eight and I need to get dressed! I can't wait!...Oh my God. I feel like I'm almost cheating in a sense. I MUST remember! Chandler is NOT my boyfriend.

January 5 1994

All my friends love Bobby. Even Chandler. He doesn't seem the least bit jealous. But I'm not sure that's a good thing. Oh, man! Cheating again. Chandler is NOT my boyfriend. Chandler is NOT my boyfriend. Bobby IS my boyfriend! Well, my friends have nicknamed Bobby "Fun Bobby," because like I said before, that's the only way to describe him! Oh, and, uh...he's the best I've ever had. Not that I've had much since I gave my flower old high school friend Rachel used to bug me about calling it that. I wonder where she is today. I saw her a few months ago. Chandler was hitting on her. The day after he was hitting on me. And now I don't even think he's remotely interested in me. Maybe he's just like Joey...what I would call a player. But why would he be? Why doesn't he want to be with me? Oh... I'm doing it again! Fun Bobby is my boyfriend now! And I have no reason to feel insecure. It makes me feel great that someone likes me and is attracted to me so much! I'm just rambling. I think I'll wear my new red dress. There we go. Now THAT'S the kind of thing I should be writing.

January 12 1994

I broke up with Fun Bobby today. He's been absorbed in his family matters lately, and well, I just couldn't stand it anymore. He lost his fun twist. I was feeling kind of down and so I went to Chandler. He's always there for me. I wonder how he can't be dating anyone right now. He's so great, so special. So different than everyone else. For example, if you compare him to Joey, he's an angel with girls. That doesn't actually say much, considering how awful Joey is, picking up a girl one minute and dumping her not five hours later. Oh well, every man is different, I suppose. And one in particular...I don't want anyone to know that I broke up with Fun Bobby. Except Chandler. I don't know why, but somehow I think that will help me out in the longrun.

January 19 1994

I guess I thought I had a chance with Chandler. But I was wrong.

Febuary 9 1994

Hillary dumped Chandler. La la la la la!!! Hee hee hee. I'm so happy. She's just like Joey. Like I mentioned a few weeks ago, every man (or woman, I guess) is different. So now I actually have a chance with Chandler. I just wish he would notice me. I've been trying to get his attention for years, and I've achieved the status of "friend." But that's not good enough! I feel like Betty. And Chandler's Archie. Only a lot cooler than Archie. Archie can't see Betty as more than just a friend. But Betty definitely sees Archie as more than just a friend. A lot more than just a friend.

Febuary 14 1994

Febuary 23 1994

Febuary 23 1994

March 2 1994

March 9 1994

April 6 1994

April 27 1995

May 4 1995

May 11 1995

May 18 1995

September 21 1995

September 28 1995

October 5 1995

October 12 1995

October 19 1995

November 2 1995

November 9 1995

November 16 1995

December 14 1995

January 4 1996

January 18 1996

January 28 1996

January 28 1996

Febuary 1 1996

Febuary 8 1996

Febuary 15 1996

Febuary 22 1996

March 21 1996

March 28 1996

April 4 1996

April 25 1996

May 2 1996

May 9 1996

May 16 1996

September 19 1996

September 26 1996

October 3 1996

October 10 1996

October 17 1996

October 31 1996

November 7 1996

November 14 1996

November 21 1996

December 12 1996

January 9 1997

January 16 1997

January 30 1997

Febuary 6 1997

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March 6 1997

March 13 1997

March 27 1997

April 10 1997

April 17 1997

April 24 1997

May 1 1997

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September 25 1997

October 2 1997

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October 16 1997

October 30 1997

November 6 1997

November 13 1997

November 20 1997

December 11 1997

December 18 1997

January 8 1998

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Febuary 26 1998

March 19 1998

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April 2 1998

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April 23 1998

April 30 1998

May 7 1998

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September 24 1998

October 1 1998

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October 15 1998

October 29 1998

November 5 1998

November 12 1998

November 19 1998

December 10 1998

December 17 1998

January 7 1999

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Febuary 4 1999

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Febuary 25 1999

March 18 1999

April 8 1999

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April 29 1999

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May 20 1999