Chandler's Diary

NOTE: This is VERY screwed and I'm pretty sure the dates don't coincide with the air dates of each episode. This diary begins when TOW the Flashback took place.

September 22 1993

I know you’re asking yourself, "Why is Chandler Bing writing and in a diary?" Oh God, this is more pathetic and demeaning than I thought. I’m talking to a book. But I just don’t know how I could talk to Phoebe, Ross, or my new roommate, Joey. He’s pretty cool - he likes beer and this show called Baywatch, where gorgeous lifeguards run down a beach - but he’s Italian. And Italians are very temperamental. And this Italian seems to have a crush on Monica. Why does it mamtter? I’m getting to that. Something strange happened tonight. Monica asked me why she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Phoebe moved out and Monica was really bummed out, so I racked my brain for something sympathetic to say. The weird thing was, my brain said, "There’s nothing at all wrong with Monica." And I told her I didn’t know why she doesn’t have a boyfriend. I truly, honestly don’t really know. I told Monica she should have a boyfriend. My brain said, "And you should have a girlfriend." I realized, then, that we two are absolutely perfect together. I hugged her then, and it would have been SO easy to go on (she only had a towel wrapped around her!) But I think at that moment we both remembered that we’re best friends, and it would be easy to break up our precious friendship if something happened…Now do you understand why I can’t talk to Ross?

September 29 1993

Well, a week has passed since that incident with Monica. I'm still attracted to her, but I can't help but remember that she's the one that cut off my toe! But that was way back when; what does it matter now? I'm trying to work up the courage to ask her out, but what will she say to me? More importantly, what will Ross say to me??? Ah, what the heck. Ever since Carol turned lesbian, he's been off in La-La-Land. I wonder if they do sex changes there? I'll have to look it up and tell him if they do. Oh my God, Oh my God. I'm talking to paper again!!! I'm delirious!!! Aaaaaaaah!

October 6 1993

Well forget courting -(did I actually use that word?)-Monica! After I finally worked up enough courage to ask her out, she shows up at the bar with another man. Some guy named John. This guy is not only a semi-famous chef (do I have to remind Monica that I'm the reason she's a chef?), but he's also a pool shark and he actually BEAT Monica. Well isn't he Mr. HotShot! I haven't hated anyone so much since I found ou my dad reads PlayGirl. This guy will pay!!!

October 13 1993

I got so into revenge on this John guy that I took to following him - everywhere. And boy did i get some juicy tidbits on him. A) he's married, b)his restaurant is actually a sleazy strip bar, and c) he doesn't even like Monica. He doesn't want her for a chef, he wants her to strip. (And if he actually hired her, he'd have ME as a regular client!) Well I told Monica what I'd discovered and she freaked out at me. Not only does she think I'm a liar, but she thinks I'm a jerk for "tearing her world apart" as she called it. Now I know why I'm a data processor-I'm not cut out to be a spy. (Which would include police work, government work, retail store work...)

October 20 1993

Monica apologized for the way she yelled at me when I told her the scoop about John. I just hope the thought doesn't cross her mind as to why and how I got all that information on him! I've been hanging out a lot with Joey lately and he is SO cool! I ihaven't had so much fun since Ross and I partied with Gandalf in college! We invented a few games (one of which caught the fire department off-hand); we've been to tons of strip clubs (at first I hated it because I kept thinking about Monica's experience, but it is unbelievably fun!); and we've chased a couple pigeons - poetically speaking! I think I'm totally over Monica! And I owe it all to Joey. He is such a neat roommate.

October 27 1993

Joey is a totally cool friend! No offense to Ross, but Joey knows how to have fun. Ross is a depressed museum geek. Speaking of depression, it must run in the Geller family. Monica has been even more down lately than usual. It makes me wonder if I could have done things differently to make her happier.

November 3 1993

Met a hot girl today. Greeted her by saying, "Kapuche- lablahenablahkapa?" I am a wreck around women. I asked Ross to give me some tips before I remembered that he is a divorcee and once married a lesbian. So I talked to Joey. He's hilarious! He told me this really funny story, but I promised not to tell, so I can't tell you- Oh MY GOD! When will I stop referring to this book as a being??? Anyway, he said we have a mutual friend. I wonder who he meant.

November 10 1993

Again Joey spoke of this mutual friend. The suspense is killing me! He's pretty bummed though, because he can't find a job. I told him he should find something besides acting while he's out of work. He refused. He said he LIKES being stuck at the apartment all day with nothing to do. And the weirdest thing has been happening to me. I keep getting these calls at work from some woman-and she sounds like a real freak-who says she loves me! I'm sure I wouldn't be terrified around someone like that though, hmm...

November 17 1993

That lady keeps calling me! Grr!!! I'm so fed up! I asked Doug if I could change my number. He replied, "I'll get right on it, Bing!!!" He is SO annoying. I can't decide who's worse-him or that lady that keeps calling! I stayed in tonight for dinner...I have no clue why. I made macaroni and cheese. That idea came from Thanksgiving years ago...

November 28 1993

Mac&cheese again for dinner. Can't stop thinking about Monica. I almost feel like I should do that thing with the flower petals where you pick off each one saying "She loves me, she loves me not." Sigh. It's the worst day. The worst day. Worst day. Worst. Worst. I guess that's all I can say so I might as well go sit in front of the tv and mope. It's doing no good just sitting here.

December 15 1993

Monica seems too happy today. She shouldn't be so happy. She hasn't got a boyfriend, her parents are a thorn in the side, et cetera. She could be happy if she were with me. That's the only reason she should be happy.

January 5 1994

I found out why Monica was so happy in December. It came for Christmas. Her new boyfriend. His name is Fun Bobby. Well, he's too nice for me to hate him too much. I guess the only one for me to hate is myself. There's something wrong with me. Monica doesn't like me.

January 12 1994

Monica told me today that she broke up with Bobby. It seems his grandfather is really sick and all he ever did was talk about him lately. Monica said she was getting really sick of it all. Well, Bobby wasn't too upset about Monica breaking up with him. He needs the time to spend with his family I guess. It all works out for the better in the end. The thing is, Monica asked me not to tell anyone else. I don't get why. Oh well. The important thing is, she's free now.

January 19 1994

Monica hasn't said another thing about Bobby or...about me. So could I help it when Hillary fell into my lap? She literally did. I was on the bus on the way to meet Ross, Carol and Susan for a picnic (Ross bribed me to come.) Anyway, I was on the bus, when all of a sudden a girl (note: she was HOT) fell on to my lap. I'm not sure how or why. I think she gave me some excuse about turbulance. Well, we ended up talking and she came to the picnic with me. I think Ross is ticked at me because he wanted me to save him from Susan, but instead I spent the whole thing talking to Hillary. He'll probably make me give him back his twenty bucks. But that's okay.

Febuary 9 1994

Hillary dumped me. It was no great loss. It turns out she's already got a boyfriend. I feel sorry for him. Man, was Hillary a bore. And what's worse, she thinks she's as cool as Joey is. What a laugh! So now I'm back to Monica. I wonder if she still, if she ever did, has feelings for me. It could be, I guess. But I don't think so. She would have come forward, because she's that kind of person. She definitely had a crush on me when she was just a kid, when she cut off my toe. That was obvious. But still, I feel like Betty. You know, Betty Cooper. And Monica is Archie. Archie sees Betty as a friend, and Betty sees Archie as more than a friend. Yup, I'm definitely Betty. Oh my God if Joey ever finds this I'm dead!!!

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