The One With The Getting Even
(Written by Alexandranna Leigh Perry)
[This fanfic is for the fanfic contest, it's being entered in the Chandler and Monica section so the fanfic will be about them.]
[So far, this is set after TOW the unagi….so if u haven't seen that then you can read it at The CFSI, otherwise this fanfic will make NO sense okay! J Oh feedback pleaseeeeeeee and email me at: Alexandranna@hotmail.com]
[I don't own these characters so don't sue me and this humble fanfic is dedicate to my bff! J We are gonna show NY and London a good time this summer! Yeah BABY! J ]
TEASER
SCENE 1: MONICA AND CHANDLER'S BEDROOM
(IT'S LATE IN THE NIGHT AFTER CHANDLER AND MONICA'S EVENING, MONICA IS LAYING IN BED, WE CAN HEAR HER THOUGHTS)
MONICA'S THOUGHTS: I can't believe he did that, he lied to me!…Well I did lie as well….no! (DRAMATICALLY) You came clean Monica! You couldn't live a LIE!!! Urghhh….what makes it much worse is that the tape was such a sweet gift (MONICA'S FACE SOFTENS)….But it wasn’t MY sweet gift…no…no…no it was Chandler's sweet gift! (JEALOUS) From his EX-GIRLFRIEND JANICE! Of all of Chandler's ex-girlfriends why did it have to be Janice!?!? (PAUSE) And of all of the gifts that Chandler has got from ex-girlfriends why did he keep Janice's!?!? (PANICKING) Oh My God does he still think about Janice? I mean why? She's soooooo annoying! (JUSTIFYING) But he did fall in love with her! (LAUGHING SLIGHTLY) I mean, I still have a pair of Richard's boxer shorts but I'm NOT gonna tell Chandler that! (PAUSE) So….in theory Chandler is allowed to keep…no…no…don't justify HIS actions! (TOUGH) You ARE allowed to keep your ex-boyfriend's stuff cause you're a GIRL, and YOU are allowed to do that stuff cause it's GIRLIE! Chandler is a GUY and is NOT allowed to do GIRLIE stuff! (CROSSES HER ARMS SATISFIED) I think I' d better teach him a lesson. (MONICA GETS UP OUT OF BED)
OPENING CREDITS
SCENE 2: MONICA AND CHANDLER'S
(THE KEYS JINGLE IN THE LOCK AND THE DOOR OPENS, CHANDLER ENTERS, HE IS LOOKING DOWN. HE STUMBLES SLIGHTLY WHILE HE CLOSES THE DOOR, HE'S SLIGHTLY DRUNK)
CUT TO: MONICA AND CHANDLER'S BEDROOM
(MONICA IS SITTING CROSS-LEGGED ON THE BED, SHE IS WEARING A SEXY BLACK, LACE NIGHTIE. SHE LOOKS WORRIED AND SHE KEEPS GLANCING AT THE CLOCK ON HER DRESSER. SHE HEARS THE APARTMENT DOOR CLOSE AND SHE QUICKLY ARRANGES HERSELF ON THE BED IN A SEXY POSITION. CHANDLER ENTERS AND HIS EYES GO WIDE WHEN HE SEES MONICA)
MONICA: (DRAMATICALLY) Oh My God! I was sooo worried!
(SHE KNEELS UP ON THE BED, LEANS FORWARD AND KISSES HIM GENTLY, JUST AS HE GETS INTO THE KISS SHE PUSHES HIM AWAY AND LIES BACK ON THE BED, SHE GRINS)
CHANDLER: (ALSO GRINNING) So, I'm forgiven!?!?
(MONICA, WHILE STILL GRINNING, SHAKES HER HEAD NO, CHANDLER LOOKS CONFUSED)
CHANDLER: Oh…(NOTICES THAT A PILLOW IS MISSING ON THE BED) ….Where's my pillow?
MONICA: On the couch with the spare blanket, (MONICA GETS INTO BED, SWEETLY SHE SAYS) have a nice night honey and by the way you stink of beer so brush your teeth. Goodnight.
(MONICA TURNS OFF HER BEDSIDE LIGHT AND CHANDLER, WHO IS VERY CONFUSED, WALKS OUT)
SCENE 3: MONICA AND CHANDLER'S APARTMENT
(THE NEXT MORNING, CHANDLER IS SITTING AT THE TABLE, WITH HIS SHIRT ON AND JUST A PAIR OF BOXERS, HE LOOKS ROUGH. THE BLANKET AND PILLOW ARE ON THE COUCH. CHANDLER SIPS HIS COFFEE WHEN ROSS ENTERS)
ROSS: (LOOKING AT CHANDLER) Oh My God! Looks like someone was bonding with beer last night!
CHANDLER: (SARCASTICALLY) Wish I could say the same with you and comedy.
ROSS: (SITTING DOWN) Seriously, you look like hell!
CHANDLER: (AGAIN SARCASTIC) Thanks man, you look great too.
ROSS: What happened?
CHANDLER: Well you know that home made Valentine's present.
ROSS: No, I thought you didn't make one?
CHANDLER: Exactly, I didn't, instead I grabbed this mixed tape I found and gave it to Monica.
ROSS: Oh, she didn't like it?
CHANDLER: No, the opposite. She loved it!
ROSS: Oh…(PAUSE) ….No don't get it man?
CHANDLER: (EXPLAINING) I didn't make the tape. It was originally a present for me, but I didn't remember that last night.
ROSS: So Monica found out. How?
CHANDLER: (CONFESSING) Well the tape had a few messages on it that I had also forgotten…
ROSS: (CURIOUS) What kinda messages?
CHANDLER: (QUIETLY) Ex-girlfriend messages…
ROSS: (SLOWLY) From which ex-girlfriend?
CHANDLER: (CRINGING) Janice!
ROSS: (SHOCKED) Oh My Gawwwwwd!
CHANDLER: (UPSET) Hey! Do you have to remind me!!!
ROSS: So I guess Monica was pissed!?!?
CHANDLER: (SNAPPING) You think!!!
ROSS: So then whatcha do?
CHANDLER: What do ya think! She was mad, stormed into our room, so I went out and had a few drinks.
ROSS: (WORRIED) Wait, you didn't do anything…
CHANDLER: (CUTTING HIM OFF) What! No! We AREN'T on a break!…
ROSS: (OFFENDED) Hey!
CHANDLER: (CONTINUING, QUIETLY) …And I'm not you!
ROSS: (MAJORLY OFFENDED) HEY!
CHANDLER: (CHANGING THE SUBJECT) Plus I took Joey with me to be extra careful.
ROSS: Yeah I've seen what you do when you are drunk!
CHANDLER: (MATTER OF FACT) How do ya think I got together with your sister…(ROSS LOOKS SLIGHTLY MAD) …I didn't mean…
ROSS: Drop it!
(PAUSE)
CHANDLER: (THINKING) But there's one thing I'm confused about…
ROSS: What?
CHANDLER: (EXPLAINING) Well I wasn't THAT drunk, and when I got back I'm sure that Monica tried to seduce me, she was wearing this really sexy…
ROSS: (CUTTING IN) No details needed!
CHANDLER: (UNDERSTANDING) Oh….yeah, well then I ended up on the couch….
(CHANDLER SCRATCHES HIS HEAD)
ROSS: Yeah, I think you were more than a little drunk…
(BEFORE CHANDLER CAN REPLY, MONICA OPENS HER DOOR AND POKES HER HEAD OUT)
MONICA: Ross, I thought I heard your voice, could you get out, I'm naked!
(ROSS LOOKS SHOCKED, AS DOES CHANDLER, MONICA NODS HER HEAD IMPATIENTLY TOWARDS THE DOOR AND ROSS RUNS OUT, NEARLY TRIPPING OVER A CHAIR ON HIS WAY, HE SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. CHANDLER LOOKS AT MONICA, NOW SHE OPENS THE DOOR. THE CAMERA SWITCHES TO MONICA'S BEDROOM DOOR, THE CAMERA SHOWS HER NAKED FROM THE WAIST UP, FROM THE BACK VIEW. SHE WALKS OUT OF HER ROOM AND TOWARDS THE BATHROOM. THE CAMERA SWITCHES TO CHANDLER'S SHOCKED FACE, HE LOOKS LOST FOR WORDS. WHENEVER MONICA TALKS THE CAMERA SHOWS HER NAKED HEAD AND SHOULDERS)
CHANDLER: (LOST FOR WORDS) M..M..Monica…
MONICA: (CALM) What?
(MONICA STOPS HALF WAY TO THE BATHROOM)
CHANDLER: (STANDING UP, OBVIOUSLY TURNED ON) Why…why are you naked?
MONICA: (MATTER OF FACT) I'm hot!
CHANDLER: (GRINNING) Yeah I know that….Ermm Mon, are you planning on being 'hot' all day?
MONICA: No, I'm going to the bathroom to have a shower. Didn't see the point of getting dressed when I was going to have to UN-dress for a shower.
(BOTH LAUGH SLIGHTLY)
CHANDLER: (LOST FOR WORDS AGAIN) Uh-huh…
MONICA: (TEASING) Yuck I feel soooooo HOT and SWEATY, I'm gonna have a nice, cool, shower.
(MONICA LIFTS HER RIGHT ARM AND FLIPS HER HAIR, STILL TEASING CHANDLER)
CHANDLER: (SWALLOWING) Well…I'm hot too…well I am NOW, (GRINNING) Can I join ya?
(HE PRACTICALLY DANCES TO THE BATHROOM DOOR, MONICA SMILES AND ALSO GOES TO THE BATHROOM DOOR. SHE WALKS RIGHT UP TO CHANDLER AND SMILES INTO HIS FACE)
MONICA: No…
(MONICA ENTERS THE BATHROOM AND LOCKS THE DOOR. CHANDLER LOOKS UPSET, HE SITS BACK DOWN AND DROPS HIS HEAD ON THE TABLE WITH A BANG, AND HOLD IT IN HIS HANDS. HE MAKES A SAD, FUSTRATED GROAN)
SCENE 4: CENTRAL PERK
(RACHEL AND PHOEBE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH GIGGLING)
RACHEL: Poor Chandler, Monica said he looked soooo frustrated.
PHOEBE: (LAUGHING) So what did Mon say what happened after she had her shower?
RACHEL: Well she left the bathroom with a towel around her…
PHOEBE: (CUTTING IN) Where was Chandler?
RACHEL: (THINKING) Errr….I think Mon said he was sulking in his chair…(PHOEBE LAUGHS) …Anyway, Monica says 'hi honey', and gives a big smile. Once Chandler turns to her, by the way Mon said that she was about 4 feet away (RACHEL GESTURES THE DISTANCE WITH HER HANDS) from him now, so she accidentally-on-purpose drops her towel!
(BOTH RACHEL AND PHOEBE LAUGH HYSTERICALLY)
RACHEL: (CONTINUING) Oh..oh..oh..it gets better. Then Mon…(RACHEL STANDS UP AND GOES BEHIND THE COUCH, PHOEBE TURNS HER HEAD AROUND) …bends over, (RACHEL ACTS OUT WHAT MONICA DID) …right in front of Chandler…(RACHEL IS OUT OF SHOT RIGHT NOW, BUT WE CAN HEAR HER VOICE AND PHOEBE LEANS OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH WATCHING RACHEL. GUNTHER IS AT THE COUNTER, GETTING A FULL VIEW OF RACHEL BENDING OVER, HE LOOKS SURPRISED) …so Chandler gets a full view of Monica!!!
PHOEBE: Oh My God!
(RACHEL AND PHOEBE LAUGH AGAIN, RACHEL STANDS UP AND NOTICES GUNTHER STARING AT HER)
RACHEL: Hey Gunther, sorry I was just showing Phoebe something.
GUNTHER: (IN A DREAM LIKE VOICE) Rachel you can do ANYTHING you want… (STILL DAZED GUNTHER BACKS AWAY, HIS EYES STILL FIXED ON RACHEL, RACHEL TURNS AROUND AND SITS BACK DOWN. GUNTHER SAYS QUIETLY) ..the love of my life!
RACHEL: (SAT BACK DOWN) That was weird…(REFERING TO GUNTHER)
PHOEBE: (CHANGING THE SUBJECT) Never mind…So what did Chandler do?
RACHEL: Well he….(RACHEL NOTICES CHANDLER ENTERING) Shushhhhh…
PHOEBE: What? (NOTICING CHANDLER) Oh….Hey Chandler!
(CHANDLER LOOKS MISERABLE, HE WAVES 'HEY' TO THE GIRLS AND GOES UP TO THE COUNTER. THE GIRLS SILENTLY LAUGH TOGETHER, CHANDLER GETS A CUP OF COFFEE IN ONE HAND, IN THE OTHER HAND A MUFFIN, AND HE HAS A NEWSPAPER TUCKED UNDER HIS ARM. HE GOES TO SIT DOWN IN THE BIG SINGLE COUCH. AS HE WALKS HE CONCENTRATES NOT TO DROP ANYTHING. THE GIRLS WATCH HIM. RACHEL TAKES A SIP OF COFFEE)
PHOEBE: Careful Chandler you don't want to ACCIDENTALLY DROP ANYTHING!!!
(RACHEL NEARLY CHOKES ON HER COFFEE WHILE SHE LAUGHS, PHEOBE GRINS AND CHANDLER FREEZES AND STANDS STIFF FOR A SECOND. HE THEN PUTS EVERYTHING DOWN ON THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN)
CHANDLER: (MATTER OF FACT) Monica call ya.
RACHEL: (PLAYING DUMB) No, we're just concerned, you don't want to drop your coffee, muffin and newspaper, you'll have to BEND over the pick them all up!
(PHOEBE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING AND RACHEL GRINS, CHANDLER LOOKS AT THEM AND DOES HIS FAKE LAUGH, THEN HE OPENS HIS NEWSPAPER AND STARTS TO READ)
SCENE 5: JOEY'S APARTMENT
(CHANDLER IS TELLING JOEY WHAT HAPPENED AND ASKING FOR HIS ADVICE. HE IS STANDING BY THE COUNTER WHILE JOEY IS SITTING ON A STOOL ON THE OTHER SIDE)
CHANDLER: So what do I do?
JOEY: Man, can't you see what Monica is doing?
CHANDLER: No…what?
JOEY: She's playing with you. So you gotta play back. Do what she's doing to you!
CHANDLER: Please this is Monica we are talking about! If I try to play her at her own game she's gonna get all competitive… (JOEY NODS) …and loud, (JOEY CONTINUES TO NOD) and violent…(AT VIOLENT JOEY LOOKS SURPRISED, CHANDLER NOTICES) …Pictionary incident.
(JOEY NODS UNDERSTANDING AND LAUGHS SLIGHTLY)
JOEY: Man, Monica is quite a hand full! (GRINNING) But I wouldn't mind handling her…hehehe..
(JOEY GRINS AT CHANDLER, WHO GLARES AT HIM, JOEY DROPS HIS GRIN…)
CHANDLER: Hey!…
JOEY: What!?!?
CHANDLER: You’re talking about my girlfriend!
JOEY: God Chandler, ever since you moved in with a girl you have become all respectful to women and…and…
CHANDLER: Okay, one, I'm mad cause you’re talking about handling MY girlfriend, two, what are you going on about?
JOEY: (DEFENSIVE) Oh so now I have to EXPLAIN myself!
CHANDLER: Yeah, explain what you meant about handling Monica!
JOEY: What! I was just commenting. I’m always commenting on women!
CHANDLER: I’m not talking about women I’m talking about Monica!
JOEY: (ROLLING HIS EYES CHANGING THE SUBJECT) Jeez what happened to the Chan who just accepted me?!?!
(CHANDLER LOOKS CONFUSED)
CHANDLER: (SLOWLY) Joey do you even know what you are trying to say?
JOEY: (UPSET) No, but the old Chan would!!!
(JOEY RUNS OUT, CHANDLER SHAKES HIS HEAD CONFUSED)
SCENE 6: PHOEBE AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT
(RACHEL AND MONICA ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, THEY ARE TALKING)
RACHEL: Oh My God Monica you are evil!
MONICA: (LAUGHING) No, it's his own fault for not coming clean!
RACHEL: I think he's learnt his lesson.
MONICA: Nah huh, now is for part 2!
RACHEL: You have parts?
MONICA: Yeah, part 1 was search, part 2 is destroy and part 3 victory.
RACHEL: (CONFUSED) What?!
MONICA: (COUNTING ON HER FINGERS) Search for his weakness, destroy his weakness, victory cos I'm stronger than his weakness!
RACHEL: I'm gathering Chandler's weakness is sex.
MONICA: No, I like to think that his weakness being my body.
RACHEL: (MATTER OF FACT) So sex!
MONICA: My way sounds better!
RACHEL: No, your way makes you sound better.
MONICA: (SNAPPING) Do you wanna play or not?
RACHEL: (SCARED) Okay!
MONICA: Okay, do you remember Howard?
RACHEL: Howard?
MONICA: Howard the 'I Win' guy!
RACHEL: Yeah, why?
MONICA: Do you remember why we broke up?
RACHEL: I thought he broke up with you?
MONICA: Cause I made him!
RACHEL: Why didn't you just break up with him yourself.
MONICA: (SHOUTING) Do you have to complicate everything?!?!
RACHEL: Sawwwwrry! You asked me!
MONICA: Just listen okay!
RACHEL: Then you shouldn't ask!
MONICA: (SHOUTING AGAIN) RACHEL!!! (RACHEL STOPS TALKING) Okay, so Howard…(PAUSE) …Right, about a month before we broke up, he forgot my birthday…
RACHEL: (CUTTING IN) Oh I remember that…
MONICA: So basically I was mad…
RACHEL: (CUTTING IN AGAIN) Well I would be too…
MONICA: (SNAPPING) Yeah but we are talking about me not you okay…(PAUSE) …Well I decided to teach him a lesson. So I played this game, I was totally sweet and everything but I wasn't gonna let him touch or kiss me….or any type of physical contact.
RACHEL: (OBVIOUSLY) Including sex?
MONICA: Duh, sex is physical!!! Pay attention Rachel!!!
RACHEL: (QUIETLY) Jeez, I'm surprised you even have a boyfriend to play with!
MONICA: (IGNORING RACHEL'S COMMENT) So being very….enthusiastic in bed he…
RACHEL: (GRINNING) Well we didn't call him the 'I Win' guy for no reason…
MONICA: (ALSO GRINNING) …basically he couldn't take the pressure. So he broke it off!
RACHEL: How long did Howard last?
MONICA: About 3 weeks.
RACHEL: Wow. Longer than I would have expected! But Mon, why are you doing this to Chandler? (THINKING) …Oh My God! You wanna break up with him!!!
MONICA: NO! I'm adapting the 'game' with Chandler. I'm teasing him, as you know. He'll have to apologise and know what he did before I give it up!
(MONICA SITS BACK SATISFIED)
RACHEL: But why are you telling me this?
(MONICA LEANS FORWARD AGAIN)
MONICA: I need you to tell Chandler the Howard story!
RACHEL: All of it?
MONICA: No, look here's what you say…
COMMERICAL BREAK
SCENE 7: CENTRAL PERK
(THE GUYS ARE ALL THERE, ALL 3 ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH)
ROSS: Look you have to understand how you betrayed Monica!
CHANDLER: (SHOCKED) Betrayed! I didn't betray Monica!
ROSS: She thinks you did.
CHANDLER: How?
ROSS: Look you know how competitive Monica is…
(RACHEL WALKS IN)
CHANDLER: But what has that go to with my tape?
(RACHEL SITS DOWN ON THE SINGLE COUCH)
ROSS: You said Monica also forgot your present right?
CHANDLER: Yeah she tried to give me Phoebe's sock bunny.
ROSS: Well she did what you did! But you caught Monica out, while she didn't catch you out! She's mad!
RACHEL: (WHO'S BEEN LISTENING) She's not mad.
(THE GUYS TURN TO RACHEL)
CHANDLER: What!?!? Then why…
RACHEL: (CUTTING IN) She's upset.
CHANDLER: Why?
RACHEL: (SHRUGS) Dunno.
JOEY: Oh Rach, I bet you know why she's mad!
RACHEL: (SLOWLY) Maybe…
ROSS: Then tell us!!!
RACHEL: Nope! Promised.
JOEY: Bet I could break ya!
RACHEL: Joey, no…
JOEY: (GRINNING) No one can resist!
(RACHEL ROLLS HER EYES AT JOEY)
JOEY: (TRUE JOEY STYLE) Hey…How you doin'?!?!
RACHEL: (SIGHING) Doesn't work on me Joe.
JOEY: (SHOCKED) What! It was on every other chick!!!…
(CHANDLER, ROSS AND RACHEL STARE AT JOEY)
JOEY: (NOTICING THEIR STARES) Errr….I mean women…
(RACHEL TURNS AWAY SATISFIED, CHANDLER AND ROSS CONTINUE TO STARE)
JOEY: (NERVOUS) Ahhhhh…women except Monica…
(CHANDLER TURNS AWAY TOO, ROSS STILL CONTINUES TO STARE)
JOEY: What Ross! Rachel isn't your girlfriend anymore that means I can move in!!!…
(ROSS GETS ANGRY)
JOEY: (SCARED) Errr…but I wouldn't…..later!
(JOEY RUNS OUT)
CHANDLER: What is up with him today???
SCENE 8: CENTRAL PERK
(A LITTLE WHILE LATER, RACHEL HAS TOLD CHANDLER THE HOWARD STORY, ROSS IS GRINNING IN THE BACKGROUND)
CHANDLER: (MAD) HOWARD! All this is over Howard the 'I Win' guy. That guy was a jerk!
RACHEL: I know.
CHANDLER: But I'm not a jerk!
ROSS: (THINKING) Well technically now you are.
CHANDLER: (TURNING TO ROSS, ANGRY) I am NOT!
RACHEL: You forgot her Valentine's Day present.
CHANDLER: (PLEADING) She did too!!!
RACHEL: Look instead of arguing with me, why don't you go and see Monica. She's probably home now.
CHANDLER: I will!
(CHANDLER STORMS OUT, RACHEL WAITS UNTIL HE'S LEFT THEN RUNS UP TO THE COUNTER AND STARTS DIALING THE PHONE WHILE BEGINNING TO DOODLE ON A PAD WITH A PEN NEXT TO THE PHONE. ROSS LOOKS CONFUSED)
RACHEL: (ON THE PHONE) …Hey Mon..(PAUSE) …I did what you told me too…(PAUSE) …yeah, he's on his way up now…(PAUSE, LAUGHS) …have fun, see ya later!
(RACHEL HANGS UP LAUGHING, TURNS AROUND AND SEES ROSS STARING AT HER suspiciously, rachel drops her grin)
rachel: (INNOCENTLY) What?
ROSS: (INTRIGUED) What's going on?
(RACHEL TRIES TO AVOID ROSS'S STARE)
SCENE 9: MONICA AND CHANDLER’S APARTMENT
(MONICA HAS A STEP LADDER IN THE KITCHEN, SHE’S MOVED THE TABLE AND CHAIRS SLIGHTLY FORWARD. SHE’S USED THE STEP LADDER TO REACH THE TOP SHELVES AND SHE’S TAKEN A FEW TINS OFF THE TOP SHELF AND THEY ARE NOW ON THE TABLE. IT LOOKS LIKE MONICA IS IN THE MIDDLE OF CLEANING THE KITCHEN, SHE HAS HER RUBBER GLOVES ON, BUT STRANGELY ENOUGH SHE HAS A LONG BLACK DRESS ON AND HIGH HEELS. MONICA IMPATIENTLY LOOKS AT HER WATCH, THEN HEARS THE DOOR START TO OPEN, MONICA STRUGGLES TO CLIMB UP JUST OVER HALF WAY UP THE STEP LADDER. MONICA HASN’T LOOKED AT THE DOOR YET, SHE’S CONCENTRATING ON LOOKING HELPLESS AND INNOCENT. LIKE A BEAUTIFUL MELODRAMATIC DAMSEL IN DISTRESS)
MONICA: Oh hi honey, could you come and help me down, I feel all faint!
JOEY: (GRINNING) Oh my!
(MONICA TURNS AROUND SURPRISED AND ALMOST FALLS OFF THE LADDER, SHE GAINS HER BALANCE AND HER ‘INNOCENT’ EXPRESSION TURNS TO AN ANGRY EXPRESSION)
MONICA: (SNAPPING) Joey! What are you doing here?
JOEY: (STILL GRINNING) I was about to ask you the same question.
MONICA: (ANGRY) JOEY!
JOEY: (STOPS GRINNING AND BEGINS PLEADING) I’m hungry!
MONICA: (TRYING TO GET RID OF HIM) Well order pizza!
JOEY: Well I was thinking about that but then I thought (CLICKS HIS FINGER) why don’t I get one of my closest friends, who happens to be the BESTEST chef ever, to cook for (JOEY MOVES HIS HANDS IN MID AIR, LIKE HIS NAME WAS IN LIGHTS AT A CINEMA/THEATRE) …Joey Tribbiani, actor… (JOEY SEES MONICA’S UNMOVED FACE AND JOEY GIVES MONICA PUPPY-DOG EYES) …please Monica, please, please, please…. (TRAILS OFF)
MONICA: (TAKING A DEEP BREATH) So actually you’re saying, (DOES THE HAND THING LIKE JOEY) ….Joey Tribbiani, unemployed, comes to get a free meal of his neighbour cause he’s broke!
JOEY: (THINKING) Well will my answer get me that ‘free meal’?
MONICA: (MATTER OF FACT) No, but you know what I will give you if you don’t leave now?
JOEY: (LEANS FORWARD EXCITED) What?
MONICA: (YELLING) A BLACK EYE! Look Joey I’m waiting for Chandler, you have to leave now…
JOEY: (LOOKING AT MONICA STRANGELY) What is going on with you two?
MONICA: No time to explain, but if you leave now, I’ll make you anything you want for dinner tomorrow okay!
JOEY: (HAPPY) Okay, I want…
MONICA: (CUTTING JOEY OFF, IMPATIENT) No, no, no, no, no……..write it down!
JOEY: Oh.
(JOEY LOOKS AROUND WHILE MONICA LOOKS CONFUSED, SUDDENLY HE SEES ONE OF THOSE MAGNETIC PAD AND PEN SETS THAT YOU CAN STICK ON FRIDGE DOORS AND HE GOES TO PICK UP THE PEN AND A PIECE OF PAPER, MONICA NOTICES)
MONICA: (PANICKING) No, no, no, not the fridge pen!!! (JOEY TURNS TO MONICA CONFUSED) I mean, Joey go and write your ‘dinner request’ in your own apartment.
JOEY: Monica what is it with you and pens?!?! The phone pen, now the fridge pen! You have a pen for everything!
MONICA: (DEFENSIVE) I do not!
JOEY: (TRYING TO PROVE A POINT) Monica, what DON’T you have a pen for?
MONICA: (THINKING) ….er….er…Central Perk! (STATISFIED)
JOEY: Yes you do! I saw you put one on the counter with a neat little pad next to the phone yesterday! I mean Monica…..(IN HIS DIRTY VOICE) …is there something you wanna share about your obsession with pens? Hehehe
(MONICA LOOKS CONFUSED AT FIRST, THEN REALISES WHAT JOEY IS IMPLYING)
MONICA: Ewwwww……Joey NO! Now get out!!!
JOEY: (STILL GRINNING) Alright, alright, but I’m always here for you if you wanna talk about it! Hehe
MONICA: (ANGRY) GET OUT!!!
(JOEY LOOKS SCARED, HE RUNS TO THE DOOR, OPENS IT AND NEARLY RUNS INTO CHANDLER)
CHANDLER: Whoa, Joe, watch where you’re going.
(MONICA HEARS CHANDLER, AND WE SEE HER IN THE BACKGROUND RESUMING HER MELODRAMATIC DAMSEL IN DISTRESS POSE)
JOEY: Hey man….(QUIETLY) Can I ask you something?
CHANDLER: Sure.
JOEY: Does Monica have a thing with pens?
(CHANDLER DOES A DOUBLETAKE)
CHANDLER: (DENFENSIVE) Hey, what Monica and I get up to in our own time is none of your business!
(JOEY LOOKS SCARED, MONICA ROLLS HER EYES AND JOEY RUNS OUT. CHANDLER CLOSES THE DOOR AND SEES MONICA POSING. HIS EYES GO WIDE)
CHANDLER: Monica, what are you doing?
MONICA: (INNOCENTLY) Oh Chandler could you help me?
CHANDLER: (CONFUSED) With what?
(CHANDLER WALKS OVER TO THE STEP LADDER)
MONICA: Oh honey I don’t feel too good…oh…
(MONICA PUTS HER HAND TO HER HEAD AND CHANDLER LOOKS EVEN MORE CONFUSED. HE MOVES NEARER TO MONICA, RIGHT BY THE STEP LADDER, THEN MONICA DRAMATICALLY FALLS OF THE LADDER INTO CHANDLER’S ARMS)
MONICA: Oh Chandler, since when have you got so strong?
(CHANDLER LOOKS AT MONICA, WHO IS CARESSING HIS CHEST WHILE IN HIS ARMS. CHANDLER TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND CARRIES MONICA OVER TO THE COUCH AND DROPS HER)
MONICA: (SITTING UP) Ow, honey why did you do that?
(CHANDLER STARTS PACING AND HE RUBS HIS FACE WITH HIS HAND)
MONICA: What’s wrong honey?
CHANDLER: (STOPS BEHIND HIS RECLINER, PLAY-ACTING) Well I’ve decided that it’s about time we changed this relationship.
(MONICA LOOKS CONFUSED AND CHANDLER LOOKS SLIGHTLY SCARED)
MONICA: Like what?
CHANDLER: (FAKING CONFIDENCE) Well I’m the man, I’m wearing the ’pants’ in this relationship.
(MONICA CROSSES HER ARMS AND GRINS)
MONICA: (TRYING NOT TO LAUGH) Really.
CHANDLER: (STRONGER) Yeah! And if I’ve been out at work all day, then it’s not too much to ask to come home (POINTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE) to a hot dinner on the table!
MONICA: (NOT BITING) Naturally, of course honey, I’m sorry I haven’t fulfilled my role as your girlfriend.
(CHANDLER IS SHOCKED THAT SHE’S NOT BITING)
CHANDLER: (SHOCKED) Uh-huh…
MONICA: (INNOCENTLY) Is that all?
CHANDLER: (CONTINUING) No, no that’s not all. Well since you agree that I’m the man in this relationship, I feel it’s my duty to tell you that I’m not totally satisfied with our sex-life.
MONICA: (SHARPLY) What!?!?
CHANDLER: Well, I was thinking that we could liven up our sex-life a bit. You know with like a threesome, for example.
MONICA: (PLAYING ALONG) Ohhhh….sure, if you’re not happy then it’s my responsibility to make my man happy.
(CHANDLER LOOKS SHOCKED AGAIN)
CHANDLER: Well, since you understand then maybe we could arrange something with, y’know….. (QUIETLY) …Janice.
MONICA: (NOT HEARING) Who?
CHANDLER: Janice.
MONICA: WHAT! (COVERING) I mean, WHAT a great idea. Since she obviously knows how to satisfy you.
CHANDLER: (CONFUSED) So you’re okay with this?
(MONICA STANDS UP AND APPROACHES CHANDLER WHO IS STILL STANDING BEHIND HIS RECLINER. SHE WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HIS WAIST AND PULLS HIM CLOSE)
MONICA: Of course honey! I mean anything to keep my man happy.
(CHANDLER LEANS DOWN TO KISS MONICA, BUT SHE PULLS AWAY AND WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN. CHANDLER LOOKS FUSTRATED)
CHANDLER: (GIVING IN) OKAY, okay….. (QUIETLY) I give.
MONICA: (INNOCENTLY) Give what?
CHANDLER: (TAKES A DEEP BREATH) I give in, I’m sorry.
MONICA: (MAKING HIM SUFFER) I’m sorry I don’t understand?
CHANDLER: I’m sorry that I got you a fake gift.
MONICA: Is that all?
CHANDLER: (SNAPPING) Look Monica what do you want from me? I said I’m sorry. Do you want us to break up? Is that what you’re trying to do cause Rachel told me the Howard story. You’ve punished me enough. I’m sorry I lied to you, but I was scared and when I found out that you lied too I felt less guilty. I know I should’ve come clean but I didn’t want to make you mad. Which I did anyway! But as far as I’m concerned I’ve apologised and you’re not gonna get rid of me cause of one stupid fight! I’m here with you for keeps, even if you play the stupid ‘Howard’ game forever!
(CHANDLER BREATHS DEEPLY AFTER HIS SPEECH. MONICA LOOKS STUNNED, SHE SMILES, WALKS UP TO HIM AND PASSIONATELY KISSES HIM)
CHANDLER: (BREAKING AWAY FROM THE KISS) Does this mean I’m forgiven now?
MONICA: (SMILING) On one condition.
CHANDLER: Name it.
(MONICA GRINS)
CUT TO: CHANDLER AND MONICA’S BEDROOM
(THE NEXT MORNING, MONICA IS SITTING UP IN BED WITH A FINISHED BREAKFAST TRAY NEXT TO HER, SHE IS READING A NEWSPAPER. SHE PAUSES AND LEANS OVER TO HER BEDSIDE TABLE, PICKS UP A SMALL BELL AND RINGS IT. A SULKING CHANDLER COMES IN, IN AN APRON)
CHANDLER: Yes sweetie.
MONICA: I’m finished with this (MOTIONING TO THE TRAY) and is my bath ready?
CHANDLER: (WHILE PICKING UP THE TRAY) Yes I’ve just finished running it.
MONICA: Oh and while I’m in the bath you can make the bed and do my washing.
CHANDLER: (THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH) Yes sweetie.
MONICA: And I wouldn’t mind a nice massage after my bath. I’m a bit stiff.
CHANDLER: Anything for you sweetie.
(CHANDLER PLACES THE TRAY ON THEIR BEDSIDE TABLE WHILE MONICA GETS OUT OF BED AND GOES TO THE BATHROOM, SLIGHT PAUSE AND MONICA RETURNS)
MONICA: (PICKING UP HER BELL) Nearly forgot this, wouldn’t want to strain my voice if I needed you in the bath to scrub my back. Don’t go to far honey!
(MONICA LAUGHS AND EXITS, CHANDLER STARES AT THE DOOR FOR A MOMENT THEN FALLS BACKWARD ON THE BED WITH HIS HANDS COVERING HIS FACE. THE BELL RINGS AND CHANDLER GROANS AS WE FADE OUT)
END CREDITS/END TEASER
SCENE 10: CENTRAL PERK
(EVERYONE IS THERE, CHANDLER AND MONICA ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH AND JOEY IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF MONICA. PHOEBE IS BY THE COUNTER, SUDDENLY SHE WALKS FROM THE COUNTER AND SITS ON THE SINGLE COUCH WITH HER GUITAR WHILE ROSS AND RACHEL ARE AT THE TABLE, PHOEBE IS WRITING IN THE PAD WITH THE PEN RACHEL WAS DOODLING WITH AT THE COUNTER WHEN SHE WAS ON THE PHONE TO MONICA)
MONICA: (TAKING A SIP OF COFFEE) Honey, this coffee is cold could you get me another one please.
(CHANDLER SIGHS, GETS UP TO THE COUNTER)
CHANDLER: Sure.
MONICA: (LIKE SHE’S TALKING TO A CHILD) Chandler, sure what?
CHANDLER: (TURNING BACK TO MONICA) Sure SWEETIE.
MONICA: (SATISFIED) Who’s wearing the ‘pants’ now!
ROSS: (CONFUSED) What’s going on?
RACHEL: Oh don’t you know, Monica reached phase 3.
ROSS: What?
MONICA: Chandler is my slave for a week.
ROSS: What has that got to do with a phase 3?
PHOEBE: (LAUGHING) Oh don’t you know, Monica has phases for her revenge for Chandler.
CHANDLER: (SITTING BACK DOWN) You planned your revenge on me? Oh My God Monica, it’s not like I cheated on you!!!
PHOEBE: Oh but you lied! I think I’m gonna write a song about this. (READING AND PLAYING ON HER GUITAR) Chandler lied…
He’s lucky he never died…
But he got deprived….
But he got by…
Unlike the Howard guy…
And Monica was like ‘Oh My’…
Cause Chandler survived to phase 5…
MONICA: (INTERRUPTING) Pheebs, there wasn’t a phase 5.
PHOEBE: But 3 doesn’t rhyme with ‘My’?
(PHOEBE WRITES AND MONICA NOTICES THE PAD AND PEN PHOEBE IS USING)
MONICA: (UPSET) Hey….you’re using the Coffee House Pen!
(EVERYONE LOOKS AT MONICA)
JOEY: So you’re upset about that Monica?
MONICA: (TURNING TO JOEY, FAKING) No, I just think it should belong next to the phone.
JOEY: So maybe you should put it back, you could even work here so you can look after it.
MONICA: What?
JOEY: (GETTING CARRIED AWAY) Then you could have a cute apron like Rachel did…
CHANDLER/ROSS: Hey!
JOEY: (DEFENSIVE) I was just suggesting a new career for Monica!
(MONICA IS STARING AT THE PEN LOOKING NERVOUS, SUDDENLY SHE GETS UP, GRABS THE PEN AND PAD AND PUTS THEM NEXT TO THE PHONE ON THE COUNTER, SHE THEN SITS BACK DOWN AND LOOKS HAPPY, EVERYONE STARES AT HER)
MONICA: (NOTICING THEIR STARES) Sorry! I just had to do it!
PHOEBE: (SULKING) Well since you did that, I’m NOT gonna sing your and Chandler’s song now!
JOEY: (STARING AT MONICA) Oh I just have to know do you have a bedside table pen? (EVERYONE STARES AT JOEY DISGUSTLY) What!?!?
(EVERYONE GETS UP AND LEAVES, LEAVING JOEY LOOKING CONFUSED)