TOW Two Heads are Better than One
By Anna and Tracey

[Opening Scene]

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's there except for Chandler, in their usual
spots talking and drinking coffee]
ROSS:    So, what are we all up to this weekend?
JOEY:    I have a date with a beautiful red head
RACH:   Wow, so what's her name?
JOEY:    I don't know... beautiful red head.
[Rachel and Phoebe hit him]
ROSS:    I have a date with Elizabeth.
RACH:   Yeah that's great... I have a date too.
PHOE:    Wow, so do I how weird is that we all have dates.
MNCA:    Well actually I don't.
ALL:    [in surprise] What?
RACH:    What about Chandler?... Oh my god you guys haven't broken up have
You? [to the others, annoyed] Why was I left out of the loop?
MNCA:    No... No nothing that drastic, he is just having problems with his
ROSS:    [disgusted] Eww Mon, to much information!
MNCA:    No, at work, his Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics [smiles] its
a processing term.
JOEY:    You actually listen when he talks about that stuff?
MNCA:    [smiling even more] Yeah, I do.
PHOE:    So, he is blowing you off for work?
MNCA:    [getting defensive] He's not blowing me off, we never had plans.
RACH:    You guys don't need plans... [Thinking] I think every Saturday
night since you guys have been dating you have been together.
MNCA:  [face falling]  What?
PHOE:    Yeah she is right, whether you have been with us or [in a sexy
voice] alone... you have been together.
MNCA:    [sudden realisation] Oh my god you are right!
ROSS:    And you can't break that tradition now.
MNCA:    [getting up in a panic] I have to go call him!
[She exits to use the phone. Ross starts to giggle]
PHOE:    What are you laughing at?
ROSS:    Just her and... [Mimicking himself] "You can't break the tradition
now"! [he keeps laughing]
RACH:    That's not funny.
JOEY:    If they aren't together they do break the tradition.
[Ross stops laughing and looks serious]
ROSS:    I thought we were kidding.
JOEY:    [hurt] Nu-uh no way, he can't work he has to be with her!
ROSS:    Oh come on, one night what difference will that make?
[All gasp]
RACH:    You are not funny.
ROSS:    I wasn't trying to be funny.
[They turn at the sound of Mon yelling]
MNCA:    [into phone] No I am not joking... No I'm not... I don't want your
apologies... I want you to come do something with me on Saturday... What do
you mean like what, anything, do we need a reason to be together... So you
care more about your work than me is that what you are saying... Do I?... Do
I know you love me?... Saying it is just words, you have to show me once in
a while... [she doesn't notice but the whole coffee house is watching her]
I'm not talking about sex Chandler... [notices the coffee house watching
her, slowly turns away embarrassed, the camera moves with her] I am talking
about this weekend... Fine then work but don't expect me to be
waiting around after done and you decide I deserve some of your precious
[she slams down the phone and turns to notice the whole coffee house
watching her again she smiles nervously and returns to her friends]

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's. Ross and Phoebe are there. Ross puts the last
card up on a house of cards]
PHOE: [exited] Yay! It's done!
ROSS: See? I told you it wouldn't take us more than five, six hours.
PHOE: [calling out] Monica? Monica! Monica!  [To Ross] Where's Monica, she
needs to hear about my [flashy] triumph.
ROSS: OUR triumph.
PHOE: Yeah, uhm, whatever... Monica? Mon, where are you, [to Ross] where
ROSS: [glaring at her] At work?
PHOE: Oh... Yeah, I remember now. Well let's call her!
ROSS: Or, we can wait for about an hour until she gets back. I mean, how
long can she be working on a Saturday?
PHOE: Yeah, you go ahead and wait, I'm calling her right now!
[She moves over to Chandler's recliner and picks up the phone and dials]
ROSS: When you talk to her, don't forget to tell her that _I_ helped out
PHOE: Yeah, whatever. [On phone] Hey Monica! [Listens] Yeah, who cares about
your day? Listen to this. I have just--
[Ross harks meaningly]
PHOE: [on phone] Fine, okay, so ROSS and I have just finished... tadam
tada... A house of cards! Yeah, just wanted to tell you, bye!
[She hangs up and then thinks of something]
PHOE: Should I call Chandler too?
ROSS: [rolls eyes] Why don't you just call the New York Times?
[She starts to dial]
ROSS: No, Phoebe. Phoebe come on, don't call the New York Times. Phoebe!
[He tries to grab the phone. They wrestle over it for a few seconds. Ross
keeps saying "give it here" and Phoebe keeps saying "let it go"]
PHOE: [throws the phone away] Oh, there! Now I'm not on the phone with them,
are you happy?
ROSS: [angry] No, 'cause you threw the phone on the card house!
PHOE: [her typical] Oh no.

[Cut to: Joey's. Rachel is sitting in a barca painting her nails, facing
Joey who is sitting at the counter eating cereal]
JOEY:    [moaning] How come you have to do that now?... it smells.
RACH:    [mimic moaning] How come you are eating cereal at four in the
JOEY:    [getting defensive]Hey, I'm not killing you with what I am doing.
RACH:    Oh, and I'm killing you with this? [she lifts her hand]
JOEY: Yes actually you are, Chandler told me solvents can kill instantly.
RACH:    When did he tell you that.
JOEY:    When I was watching paint dry.
RACH:    [hiding laughter] you, you were watching paint dry?
JOEY:    Sure, it was supposed to be exciting, but it must be some arty
thing, because it was booorrring.
RACH:   [laughing] What made you think it would be exciting?
JOEY:    Well, Ross said that this lecture on dinosaurs and it was
[mimicking Ross] "as exciting as watching paint dry". And I knew he liked
that kinda stuff and I was bored one day so.
[Rachel laughs loudly]
JOEY: [innocently] What, what is so funny?
RACH:    [calming down] Joey, its just...
[She is cut off by the phone ringing. She answers it, we get a split screen
with her and Ross, he sounds desperate]
ROSS:    Oh good RACH I was hoping you would be home, look I need to ask you
a really big favour.
RACH:    [concerned] What... what is it Ross?
ROSS:    Well remember I said I had that date tonight, with Elizabeth.
RACH:    Yeah?
ROSS:    Well I was kinda going to introduce her to Ben.
RACH:    Aww, Ross that is so sweet, hey maybe she can play with his Barbie.
ROSS:    Ha, Ha, anyway it's not gonna happen, it turns out I have this big
open night thing at the university and I have to be there to represent my
department, I have managed to talk to Elizabeth but I need someone to watch
Ben... would you?
RACH:    What, no, I can't I have a date.
ROSS:    Please Rach? I need to do this tonight it is the first time my boss
has put so much faith in me.
RACH:    Well what about Mon?
ROSS:    She is still holding out for Chandler to come through, Phoebe has a
date and we are busy right now anyway, she will be exhausted by tonight.
[We see Phoebe in the background carefully placing a card on the house of
cards but it collapses]
ROSS: So will that leave me with you or Joey?
RACH:    Fine, Joey will do it [before he can get a word in] Okay then, see
you later bye!
[She puts down the phone, and turns and smiles slyly at Joey]
JOEY:    [still eating his cereal] What?
RACH:    That was Ross on the phone; he needs you to do him a favour.

[Cut to: Chandler's office. Chandler's sitting at his desk, working,
stressed out]
CHAN: Wow, isn't this the way to spend a Saturday? [thinks] I hope I meant
that sarcastically...
HELEN: [the secretary... from intercom] Mr. Bing, your girlfriend on line
CHAN: [sighs] Thanks Helen. [Pause, realises, presses the intercom button]
Thanks Helen. [picks up phone] Hi Mon. [pause, realizes] Damn! [Presses
number two] Hi Mon.
MNCA: [from her work... we'll see her when she's talking and Chandler when
he's talking...] Hey Chandler. [Sexy voice] Do you miss me?
CHAN: [checks watch] It's 12:35, how can I have started to miss you? [Off
the silence] Uh, I mean, I miss you VERY much honey.
MNCA: Yeah, me too... So. How long do you think you'll be working tonight?
CHAN: [sighs] Monica, come on, we've been over this... I have to work,
otherwise Doug won't be happy. And if I think Doug smacks me in the ass hard
when he's HAPPY I sure don't want to find out how hard he's gonna hit when
he's MAD.
MNCA: [sexy voice] You know... I could help... Take care of your butt later
CHAN: [shocked at the comment] Uh, honey, do you know my secretary's
probably listening to us?
[We hear how Helen makes an annoyed noise and hangs up her phone]
MNCA: Well she's not anymore.
CHAN: Listen Mon, nice of you to offer, but I really need to work tonight.
You know I do, we've been discussing it all week long.
MNCA: No we haven't. I found out this morning.
CHAN: Whatever. Look Hon, love you and everything, but I really, REALLY need
to go now...
MNCA: [annoyed] Fine.
[She hangs up. Chandler sighs and hangs up too]
CHAN: Note to self, buy girlfriend some pretty flowers to make her happy...
and fire the secretary.
HELEN: [from intercom] I can eavesdrop by this too, you know. And I would
have fixed the flower thing if you hadn't opened your big mouth.
[Chandler makes a face]
HELEN: [from intercom] And Ms. Geller's on phone again, line one.
CHAN: [sighs] Damn it. [Picking up phone and pressing one, sweetly] Hi
honey, did you miss me?
JUDYGELLER: [shocked, on the other end] No, not really, but thanks anyway
Chandler. I was just calling to hear if you and Monica were still set for
dinner with us next week.
CHAN: [ashamed] Yeah, don't know, will have to get back to you on that, bye!
[Hangs up, looking seriously ashamed]
HELEN: [from intercom] Made pretty huge fool of yourself, huh?
CHAN: [testy] Hey, do you want your last months pay when you leave, or not?

[Cut to: Monica's and Chandler's. Ross and Phoebe are at the dinner table
trying to construct their House of Cards again, they are sitting looking at
two cards leaning on each other to
make a triangle]
PHOE: Well it kinda looks the same.
ROSS: It looks nothing like the last one.
PHOE: [overreacting] You're right Ross its over, finished we can never
recreate what we had!
[She throws her head into her arms collapsing on the table]
ROSS: No don't talk like that we can never give up.
PHOE: [sitting up] Its hopeless Ross, what is the point of even trying.
ROSS: [Standing up, giving a pep talk] I didn't cancel my date and lie to my
friend just to sit around and listen to you feel sorry for yourself, I say
we try, try and try again, we will stay up all night and all day until we
have triumphed again, together we can build a bigger, better and stronger
house of cards than the world has ever seen. Two heads are better than one
and together we CAN do it, are you with me?
PHOE: [standing] Lets do it!
[They both pick up cards and start carefully building the house]
PHOE: So you lied to Rachel?
ROSS: Well someone had to watch Ben and she wouldn't have done it if I had
told her the truth, and the work thing was more believable.
PHOE: So why didn't you just call and lie to Monica, she loves Ben you
wouldn't have had to persuade her.
ROSS: [timid] Yeah but if she found out she would kick my ass.
PHOE: Oh and Rachel won't?
ROSS: Sure she would but Monica has her ways of finding out this stuff,
Rachel would never find out.
PHOE: [standing up straight and looking at him] But we are right across the
hall from her house.
ROSS: [standing up straight] Oh yeah.
[Phoebe sneezes and the house collapses]
ROSS: We could take it to mine and then she and Monica would never find out.
PHOE: Yeah okay.
[They gather up the scattered cards]
PHOE:  [on there way out] Do the speech again.
[They exit]

[Cut to: Joey's. He is suspecting that there's something Rachel isn't
telling him, so he's "interrogating" her]
JOEY: Now, let's go through this one more time, Miss Green. You're
ABSOLUTELY sure Mr. Geller said that only I could watch Ben tonight?
RACH: Well, yeah! I mean, who'd trust ME to take care of Ben?
JOEY: That's a good point. But on the other hand, would _I_ do a much better
RACH: That's also a good point.
JOEY: Okay, so you're telling me, and remember, you're under oath!
RACH: I don't think swearing on a stack of porno magazines count.
JOEY: You're telling me that Mr. Geller wanted ME to watch Ben?
[The phone rings. Joey answers]
JOEY: [answering, in sexy voice] Hey, if you're a gorgeous babe then you've
sure dialled the right number.
ROSS: [on the other end] Huh?
JOEY: Oh. Sorry. Ross, am I supposed to take care of Ben tonight?
ROSS: Well yeah, Rachel said you'd do it.
RACH: Objection!
JOEY: [to Rachel] Overruled. [On phone] Mr. Geller, you're telling me that
you did in fact NOT tell Miss. Green that _I_ should watch Ben?
ROSS: [confused] No. Listen, I was just wondering, do you have any super
glue that I could borrow? I can come pick it up when I drop off Ben.
JOEY: No, sorry, try at Monica's.
ROSS: Okay, thanks anyway. Oh, and one more thing. Do you watch "LA Law"
JOEY: Yeah.
ROSS: Stop doing that.
[They hang up]
JOEY: [turns to Rachel] So.. Miss. Green... New evidence has proved that you
were in fact lying.
RACH: Yeah, so? It was a pretty good lie, don't you think?
JOEY: No, you've lied allot better in your time. And by the way, the court
finds you guilty as charged of lying under oath.
RACH: I think that's called--
JOEY: [cutting in] No it's not, and don't upset the judge! [Points to the
rooster] Rachel Karen Green, this court hereby sentences you to baby-sitting
Ben tonight.
RACH: [rises, angry] Okay, but get this, judge Tribbiani! I will take you to
Supreme Court, using my own defence lawyer, Monica Geller, and she will make
you look like such a fool that you will never show your face in "Law and
Order", body-bag or no body bag!
JOEY: Yeah, go ahead, but she's busy tonight trying to talk attorney
Chandler Bing into having dinner with her. [Suspicious] Personally I think
she's trying to trick him into loosing his next case.
RACH: Okay, Joey you DO know they're not actually lawyers, right? And by the
way, if I can't use my lawyer Geller, I'll use her... uh... assistant!
Lawyer Bouffay!
JOEY: She's on a date. And so is the other Geller person.
RACH: Fine, I'll use... uh... [points to the duck] HIM!
JOEY: [hurt, to the duck] You're abandoning me, Chuck? You know, we GIVE and
you GIVE and you GIVE and [to Rachel, angry] you're baby-sitting Ben

[Cut to: Chandlers office. Chandler is typing on his computer looking
stressed, the computer beeps at him, he presses another key, it beeps again,
this happens two or three times before Chandler throws himself back in his
CHAN:    Dammit, why won't this thing work... [He looks at the clock] What
are you doing here, you could be at home with the most beautiful woman in
the world, and yet you are staring at number after number after... [He is
interrupted by the intercom] thank god that could have been a long and
frustrating conversation... conversation, do you call it a conversation when
you are talking to yourself, a monologue maybe. [the intercom beeps again]
Oh, right... [presses the intercom button] what is it Helen?
HELEN:    [through the intercom] Mr. Bing, Ms. Geller is here.
CHAN:    [surprised] Here... as in here in my office, now.
HELEN:    Not really in your office sir but she is out here, do you want me
to ask her to leave?
CHAN:    NO, NO [to himself] that certainly wouldn't help my case. [through
Intercom] Send her in... Oh and Helen go home I know it is early but I will
be here a while yet and you'll need to be in first thing.
HELEN:    [through Intercom] OK, thank you sir.
[Chandler turns to face the door as Monica enters]
CHAN:    Hey, what are you doing here?
MNCA:    Well, you know the saying... if the mountain won't come to
[He looks confused]
MNCA: You're the mountain, so...
CHAN:    So that makes you Mohammed?
[Monica scowls at him]
CHAN: Look, I'm sorry but really I don't have time to stop.
MNCA:    I brought Chinese food
[She produces a bag filled with Chinese food cartons from behind her back,
she puts it on his desk and he hurriedly removes some papers from under the
bag. Mon goes round to him and sits in his lap and kisses him on the cheek]
MNCA:    [taking a carton out of the bag] Who says you can't have the best
of both worlds?
CHAN:    Monica...
MNCA:    [looking at the computer] So, what are we doing?
CHAN:    Nothing, WE are not doing anything [gets up therefore forcing her
to stand] Look Mon, [ushering her towards the door] why don't you go home
and get an early night I'm sure you have had a long hard day at work too, we
can catch up later, I won't be more than another six, seven hours tops...
MNCA:    Six or seven hours, but Chandler it is already five o'clock.
CHAN:    Midnight, I'll be home by midnight okay, I promise!
[They are now at the door. He opens it. Monica turns to face him and they
are standing very close together]
MNCA:  [moans] Midnight, but what is left to do at midnight... Oh.
[suggestively] but I can think of one thing! [smiles suggestively]
CHAN:    Not tonight Mon, I am really tired already and I don't know how
much this will take out of me, plus I have to be up really early tomorrow...
I'm sorry.
[She looks disappointed. He leans down and kisses her very passionately, she
doesn't kiss him back]
CHAN: Are you really that mad at me?
MNCA:    [mad] Do you really want an answer to that question? [storms off]
CHAN:    [yelling after her] I love you!
[He sighs and leans against the door frame looking after her. He looks like
he is about to go back into his office when suddenly Monica appears back,
she walks over to him and kisses him very passionately. He looks at her
surprised and questionly]
MNCA:    I am still mad at you but... [touches his face] you are so cute,
and just so good at that. [she smiles, he looks smug, mad] but you are not
[She storms off again, he looks down and slowly walks back into his office,
and closes the door]

[Cut to: Ross's place. Phoebe's using tape to get the cards to stick to each
ROSS: I don't get it, how on earth did we get it to work the first time?
PHOE: Who cares, what's that gonna help us?
ROSS: [stating the obvious] It might give us a hint for how to build it up
PHOE: [realises] Oh. Well, this tape idea isn't really working out. Man, we
should have taken a picture of it when we'd built it the first time, and
then we would have proof.
ROSS: Sure, but I think my sister would have been pretty surprised to
develop the roll and find a picture of me, smiling big next to a house of
PHOE: Maybe, but since _I_ would be the on-camera person you wouldn't have
to worry about it so much.
ROSS: Wait a minute, how come YOU get to be on-camera?
PHOE: 'Cause I'm photogenic, but you sure aren't. [off Ross's look] Well I'm
sorry, but if your friends can't tell you the truth then who will?
ROSS: I prefer to live a lie, thank you very much.
PHOE: Well good, 'cause that will be what everyone thinks you're doing if we
don't get this damn house of cards back as it was!
ROSS: [leaning two cards against each other] Can't we just say we were
making a tepee, or something? You know, like a tent.
PHOE: Yeah, but it was much cooler when it was a mansion. Come on, let's
have another go at it! [off Ross's look] Oh with the HOUSE you pervert!
ROSS: Okay, but I'm gonna give my sister a call, to see if she's got any
glue. [picks up phone and dials]
PHOE: And while you're at it, ask her if she can remember anything I said
about cards. [off Ross's look] What? If she doesn't remember then what's the
point of building it up again?
ROSS: Stupid answering machine! Okay, I can call Chandler at work instead.
PHOE: How about Monica at work? I mean, at these hours she should still be
there, right? Lunch was over a few hours ago.
ROSS: Only chefs can't have lunch at the same time as everyone else.
PHOE: They can't?
ROSS: [on phone] Hey Chandler. How come your secretary didn't answer?
[listens] Chandler, calm down, I was not trying to rush you! [listens] No,
and calm down, okay? [listens] Yeah, fine, I'll hold. [to Phoebe] On second
thought, this might not be the right time to ask a favour of him. [listens]
Chandler what are you screaming about, take it easy or you might have a
heart attack!

[Cut to: Joey's. Him and Rachel are sitting, facing each other on opposite
sides of the counter. They are playing rock paper scissors, Joey does Rock
and Rachel Scissors, both look kinda ti